The Hat and The Hair: Episode 64

by | Jan 30, 2018 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 274 comments

 

“The State of our Union is STRONG!” Donald said into his bedroom mirror.

“OK,” the hat said, “but make sure to wait for the applause to die down.”

“There isn’t any applause,” Donald whispered loudly.

“There will be,” his hair said.

“Well, I don’t hear any,” Donald replied. He began to scratch under his left armpit and dropped a stack of index cards.

“There will be applause, Donald,” the hat assured him. “So much applause. Bigly applause, not the thin applause of a loser. Winner applause.”

“Winter applause?” Donald asked. “If it’s cold, I’ll need a coat.”

“Winner,” the hat said. “Winner. W-I-N-N-E-R.”

“Pick up your index cards, Donald,” the hair instructed. His perspective shifted as the old man’s bovine body bent at his thick middle and he groped for the fallen cards. The hair struggled not to vomit up his dinner of Rogaine and scrunchies. Donald farted thunderously to add to the dank miasma of the White House bedroom.

“Put the cards back in order, Donald,” the hat said.

“They are numbered up in the corner,” the hair added helpfully.

“The state of our union is strong,” Donald mumbled as he struggled to put the cards in order.

“This is going to be a disaster,” the hair muttered. “I can feel it in my bones. My hair bones.”

“It will be fine. We’ve got all the Senators bribed or blackmailed or frightened into clapping. And the Congress is just a bunch of idiot puppies. They’ll yap on cue.”

“I want my Ukrainian piss hookers!” Donald screamed.

“Yeah, this will go well,” the hair said. “Just great. So great. Tremendous.”

The hat laughed.

“Oh, fuck,” the hair moaned. “Now you’ve got me talking like him.”

“I want a sausage McGriddle,” Donald whined, backing up to sit down heavily on the bed.

“You can have one after you finish practicing the speech,” the hat said.

“But I want one now,” Donald whined. “All day breakfast. All day breakfast.”

“There’s food down in the kitchen,” the hair said.

“No, I want a McGriddle. I don’t want to be poisoned,” Donald said.

“For the last time,” the hair said, “No one is trying to poison you.”

“Mexicans,” Donald said darkly. “Mexicans in the kitchen.”

“There are no Mexicans in the kitchen, Donald,” the hair said.

“There are ALWAYS Mexicans in the kitchen,” the old man said and shuddered. “Sausage McGriddle, Large Diet Coke. And three cheeseburgers. And a six-piece of Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Tenders. Sweet and Sour sauce. And Barbeque.”

“Later, Donald, after you practice the speech,” the hair insisted.

“Buttermilk Crispy Chicken,” Donald whispered. He stood up from the bed and approached the floor length mirror. He began to slowly rub the pocked and pallid flesh of his large stomach.

“Buttermilk is good for my skin.”

His hand descended to the waistband of his stained underwear.

“Buttermilk,” he whispered.

 

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

274 Comments

  1. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Always end on a low note. Rules for Writing from Sugarfree

    • Not Adahn

      Always end on a low brown note. Rules for Writing from Sugarfree

      • Bobarian LMD

        Always start out on a low note, and then see how extremely deep you can go from there.

  2. Riven

    Dammit. We’re going to a potluck-style Superbowl party on Sunday. I’m sure Mr. Riven will want to bring his “cookie salad,” which includes buttermilk. … I may not be able to eat it

    • Not Adahn

      Juuust when I think that northern Tundra food isn’t that bizarre, you’ve got to come along and ruin it.

      • Riven

        Hahahaha! Reminds me: I should request Mr. Riven make his tater-tot hot dish sometime soon.

        Cookie salad is a bunch of (drained) canned fruit mixed together with some pudding mix, buttermilk, and cool whip. You crumble up some of those fudge-stripe cookies in there, sprinkle more on top, and it’s a party.

      • Playa Manhattan

        They call that “Shit Salad” on the West Coast.

      • Riven

        Yeah, but you also eat the garbage parts of animals at premium pricing, Mr. Bone-Marrow.

      • Just Say'n

        If your version of a good meal is a stylized and overpriced Cobb salad with avocado, then you might live on the West Cost (America’s shit hole)

      • Playa Manhattan

        Salads aren’t a meal period.

      • Just Say'n

        What about soup?

      • Derpetologist

        You don’t win friends with salad.

      • Playa Manhattan

        Don’t be stupid.

        Err.. I mean… try to be less stupid.

      • Just Say'n

        Apparently, they don’t show Seinfeld on the west coast

      • Playa Manhattan

        No jokes for you.

      • Lachowsky

        I strongly disagree. I make salads with leftover smoked meat products that are outstanding and can be eaten as a stand alone dinner.

        Smoked chicken in a salad is particularly good.

      • Tundra

        I agree with Lach. Meat makes a meal, Playa.

        You know this, man.

      • Just Say'n

        Christ, Tundra. You’re from the Midwest and you’re defending salad? Man, Minnesota is weird

      • Tundra

        Minnesota is weird.

        Truth.

        *eats salad*

      • Playa Manhattan

        It sounds like you’re describing a meal replacement.

        I do that, sometimes.

      • Playa Manhattan

        You guys have cursed me.

        Guess what my wife is requesting for dinner?

      • WTF

        Buttermilk?

      • Number.6

        No sir, Buttermilk is never the answer.

      • Mad Scientist

        What about Powdermilk? They’re a real hot item.

      • Not Adahn

        You’re bringing Garrison Keeler here? Into this place?

      • R C Dean

        Yep.

        “Salads aren’t food. Salads are what food eats.”

  3. WTF

    “I want my Ukrainian piss hookers!” Donald screamed.

    Pure poetry.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Cookie salad is a bunch of (drained) canned fruit mixed together with some pudding mix, buttermilk, and cool whip. You crumble up some of those fudge-stripe cookies in there, sprinkle more on top, and it’s a party.

    Good gravy. Do you eat it blindfolded?

    • Not Adahn

      “Good gravy” is melted Peeps, with nutmeg and sour cream.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Thank you for reminding me Peeps are in season.

        *shudders*

      • Playa Manhattan

        Are they? I thought it was candy heart season.

      • Tundra
      • Playa Manhattan

        I wonder if there’s a place that takes custom orders. I have a few things I’d like to say.

      • Playa Manhattan

        Thank you. I wish I had known about that at the last gift exchange.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        There’s been Cadbury Eggs at my local supermarket since Christmas.

      • Number.6

        Chocolate testicles full of symbolic pus.

        Yummy.

      • commodious spittoon

        I always wanted to try one. Every spring I saw the commercials and thought they looked delicious. Somehow I was able to look past the sugar snot filling. Then, finally, I got hold of one. That was the day my innocence died.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Only when you put it that way.

      • Number.6

        They do also make mallow eggs, in a different color wrap that aren’t quite so nauseating.
        Oh, and just to ruin your day even more? There is no Santa Claus.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I like them, although I can’t eat more than one due to the glorious sugar rush.

      • Mad Scientist

        I have a case of them in my freezer from last Easter. I eat a couple a week.

      • R C Dean

        Cadbury eggs used to be a lot better, before they got bought by Nestle.

      • robc

        Peeps are in season about June or July when the Easter ones get stale and crunchy.

      • Number.6

        That’s a lie!

        They’re so loaded with sorbitol that they NEVER get stale and crunchy.

    • Riven

      Ackchyually, there’s no gravy involved at all.

      And when it looks like this, I certainly don’t need a blindfold.

    • Spartacus

      ‘Round these parts, if you showed up to a football game with that, they wouldn’t let you in the door.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      how appropriate to SF a link on a SF story.

      Maybe that’s what you were going for. well done

  5. The Late P Brooks
  6. Playa Manhattan

    Warning: contains 0% buttermilk

  7. Playa Manhattan

    Where do I get these coupons?

  8. Scruffy Nerfherder

    I swear, having aging parents is like having teenage kids. Dad just blew up the business cellphone plan data limit.

    • commodious spittoon

      Ew. Don’t go on.

    • Playa Manhattan

      I had to switch to unlimited. Glad I did just in time.

      My wife’s wifi at work sucks, so she had been tethering. It would have been a couple hundred bucks on the old plan.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        No unlimited for the biz plans unfortunately. The overage was $300 so I upped the plan for one month for $150 and will lower it next week. Annoying.

      • Playa Manhattan

        Huh.

        This is a “family plan” that goes on the business credit card.

      • Mojeaux

        I could tether when I had my Blackberry years ago, but as soon as I got a new phone, my grandfathered unlimited data plan put the kibosh on that. I really do miss being able to tether.

      • Playa Manhattan

        You can, but you have to pay for the privilege.

        I had the grandfathered unlimited, but they found some loophole to take it away.

      • Mojeaux

        Right. To keep the grandfathered unlimited data, I cannot tether.

    • Zunalter

      Aged parents serve a similar role as small children: completely disconnected from modern technology and naive to the point of irresponsibility.

    • Playa Manhattan

    • Brett L

      I don’t get it. The memo is going to show that the FBI was certain that Hillary Clinton was going to be the new boss and started working to gain favor with her well before the election. Stupid, partisan, and only occasionally competent is both the reality of the type of people who rise to Deputy Director or the rungs near there at the FBI, and how they will look in the memo. McCabe will probably be shown to have deceived both Flynn and Pence at different times to make his people look good and the Trump team look bad. None of this should shock anyone who follows American government.

      • Playa Manhattan

        So…. why would it be classified?

      • Brett L

        Because the FBI stamped “Classified” on it before they passed it to the Committee?

      • Q Continuum

        The big deal is using a phony dossier filled with bullshit that was paid for by the DNC to convince a FISA court to engage in domestic spying on an opposition political candidate. These are NKVD police state tactics and it is a BFD. This isn’t just swamp creatures currying favor, it’s government agents using the apparatus of the state to try and rig an election.

      • Sean

        it’s government agents using the apparatus of the state to try and rig an election.

        And it didn’t work, that’s the glorious part of the whole thing.

      • Just Say'n

        I’m not sure the memo will show that the FISA warrants were entirely based upon the dossier. I don’t think that’s in there. I do think that the memo is going to highlight some suspicious coordination that occurred between the FBI, DOJ, and the Clinton campaign. And I think that is why Democrats and their media allies are in desperation mode right now.

      • Lachowsky

        It’s also probably SOP. That’s part of why nothing will happen. The wrongdoers can’t be prosecuted. If they are, then they will start naming names. The named will then name some more names and pretty soon the entirety of the federal governemnt is under indictment. They can’t risk this.

      • Q Continuum

        You’re right of course, and that’s why I don’t except any criminal proceedings. However, I would like to see wholesale firings. The whole thing is rotten to the core and the least we can do is root it out and start fresh.

      • invisible finger

        “It’s also probably SOP. That’s part of why nothing will happen. The wrongdoers can’t be prosecuted.”

        This is exactly why they hate Trump so much. He doesn’t have 20+ years of government service on his resume so he isn’t beholden to anyone.

        You’re probably right that nothing will happen, but just the thought that a corrupt bureaucrat might get tried for treason is enough to get 95% of them in panic mode. Because almost all of the them are guilty of corruption, negligence, and incompetence.

      • Lachowsky

        Trump is one of the only high ranking officers in the federal government who doesn’t have decades of corruption on him.

        He may be a sleazy businessman. He may be a crony. But he is not is a corrupt politician who has to watch his back about decades of shady dealings used to get him where he is, and that scares the hell out of the entrenched Washington beurocracy.

      • antisthenes

        I think that’s only part of the story.

        I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the dossier came from Russian intelligence, and the supplier (Fusion GPS) was actually working for a Putin crony to try to remove sanctions. There actually is a Russia angle to this, but it’s the FBI that was complicit (and, while some people may have just been stupid or craven or partisan, the guy whose wife was actually fired by Fusion for its Russian work can’t be anything other than complicit in an attempt for a foreign power to meddle in our elections).

        If it was just the FBI, people would still need to be permabanned from government or sent to prison, but the involvement of the Kremlin raises it to a new level.

      • antisthenes

        *hired, not fired

      • Chipwooder

        There also apparently is a second dossier, which was compiled by a Clinton hatchet man who works for none other than Sid Blumenthal.

      • R C Dean

        A few known links.

        McCabe’s wife cashed hundreds of thousands of dollars from Clinton crony McAuliffe for her failed election bid. The Clinton Machine set up a conflict of interest that would not be tolerated in most private organizations, but was waved off by our selfless and incorruptible public servants.

        Fusion GPS was hired by the Russians and the DNC at the same time, and Russian-sourced info flowed mysteriously to the DNC and on to the FBI. There is a well-documented link between Russians and election activities, only its on the Dem side.

        This isn’t a “conspiracy theory”. This is pretty much a proven conspiracy.

    • commodious spittoon

      Having someone ask the question is how they come up with spin like “White House addresses president’s mental health concerns.”

    • commodious spittoon

      Please. SF manages to be funny.

      • Derpetologist

        True. I struggled through it and there was 1 decent joke.

        I’d rather watch Strangers With Candy than anything Colbert has been in since then.

      • commodious spittoon

        It’s true. Sanctimony is no basis for comedy.

      • SugarFree

        Maybe it’s not supposed to be funny.

    • SugarFree

      Wow, that is just painfully unfunny. Where is the pathos? Where is the love?

      • Derpetologist

        It was jettisoned to cram in more smug.

    • commodious spittoon

      Feminism is a conspiracy by wealthy white women to crush lower-class women, mostly minorities, under their expensive heels. That the former go after the latter’s husbands and sons is incidental, the purpose of it is status competition.

  9. CPRM

    The Ant-Man and Wasp trailer has me more excited than the Black Panther trailers, does that make me a racist?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’m highly partial to Evangeline Lilly in any case.

      • Gilmore

        damn. she was always soooooo fine.

        i still find it hard to believe that 5’6 dom monahan was shagging that filly

    • one true athena

      I’m already tired of the “Black Panther” is the MOST IMPORTANT MOVIE OF OUR TIME takes and it’s not even out yet.

      • F. Stupidity Jr.

        But it’s the movie we need in this Age of Trump!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Idiocracy suffices

      • {|}===[|}:;:;:;:;:;:;:>

        I’d prefer that to our current state I think. I could get blown at Starbucks and most everyone is too ‘tarded to really interfere with my life – government included.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    So…. why would it be classified?

    If Mr and Mrs American Voter knew how incompetent and corrupt their public servants are, they’d lose their childlike faith and trust.

    Haha, just kidding.

    • Just Say'n

      Short answer: yes

      Long answer: check your privilege

      It probably just makes you a nerd more than anything

      • Just Say'n

        This was in response to CPRM. This was a worse thread fail than ever single comment by the Late P Brooks

      • commodious spittoon

        But Brooks doesn’t fail to thread. He’s a thread anarchist. Or maybe thread agnostic.

      • Just Say'n

        He’s is the Nick Gillespie of threads.

        I expect him to respond to this twelve comments down from here

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ahhhh… the Bill Kristol argument

  11. John Titor

    I’m guessing a lot of talk claiming about employment rates and claiming to have fixed the economy.

    I don’t know if this is more or less ignorant than the Obama “IMMA GONNA CURE CANCER” idiocy.

    • Just Say'n

      The tax cuts have been a net positive for the economy. That can’t be denied.

      And Obama did almost cure cancer if it wasn’t for the destruction of the rain forest that destroyed the one ingredient needed

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ek8NmpVBssA

      • John Titor

        Unemployment rates were already dropping at rate comparable before Trump was in power, really his greatest effect on the economy is that he isn’t enthusiastically willing to fuck with it which infers a stability. Until the next bubble bursts at least.

      • Just Say'n

        I didn’t argue the unemployment rate. That’s a make believe indicator anyways. I was speaking about the fact that corporate tax cuts is a net benefit for the economy and workers in particular.

        And I find it curious that you didn’t address the fact that Obama did almost cure cancer. But, whatever.

      • Number.6

        It would have been inevitable, given that Obama knows more about cancer than his Cancer Czar knew.

        He’s a speechwriting, policymaking, cancer-eliminating prodigy, you deplorable!

      • John Titor

        You don’t have to medically cure cancer when you can just put your hands on the sick and heal them.

      • Pan Zagloba

        He’s a level 9 paladin!

  12. Tundra

    SP, if you are out there, I LOVE the new arrow!

    • Raven Nation

      Hear, hear!

    • Naptown Bill

      Agreed, very nice. It covers a little bit of the left side of the text on a phone (Samsung Galaxy 7) but if it were any narrower it wouldn’t be usable, so I’ll take it.

  13. Raven Nation

    OT: so the HR department informed all the faculty here yesterday that, because of the tax bill, our parking expenses must now be deducted from post-tax rather than pre-tax dollars. I’ve already had one person in my department walk around complaining how Trump is screwing them. My monthly parking charge is $30 so my taxable income is going up $360/year on a gross of $80k+.

    Yep, that’s what the complaint is – unless I’m completely missing something here.

    • Playa Manhattan

      Charging employees for parking is a dick move. Why doesn’t he complain about that?

      • Raven Nation

        Meh, it’s a metro campus and I think it started out as a way to discourage everyone from driving to campus. Of course, it’s morphed into a money-making venture now.

      • SugarFree

        We get charged for parking. And it is a huge dick move.

      • Drake

        I’m kind of in the job market. An HR weenie telling me I would be paying for parking would not be well received. In my mind, the annual cost would be subtracted from the job offer plus a few hundred for the dick move. A few hundred more if it isn’t a covered garage.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        Absolutely correct….you just weigh it like anything else….arm’s length transaction, are you in or out.

      • Naptown Bill

        I’d be pissed. If you want me in the office and you own the parking lot, don’t charge me. That’s like charging me rent for the cubicle.

      • Naptown Bill

        Own or have access to as part of the lease, I should say.

      • Suthenboy

        It’s called a company store.

      • Naptown Bill

        Funny thing about that. Years ago I worked at a Tony Romo’s, and the manager made it an unofficial policy that if you worked on a day with a happy hour you’d get happy hour discounts at the bar whenever you got off for as long as you stayed. You can imagine how many of the 20-somethings who worked there actually walked out with anything like a net income.

    • commodious spittoon

      I wonder what your friend thought of Pelosi’s comments about $1000 in savings. Something about circus peanuts, or maybe chump change, as in, change for the stupid dumb chumps who voted for the Orange-utan in Chief. I forget how she phrased it.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I doubt that has gotten much coverage in real news outlets.

      • commodious spittoon

        Pelosi’s televised strokes are Russian bots anyway.

      • Raven Nation

        My assumption is she assumes it’s “tax cuts for the rich.”

    • Don Escaped Texas

      Isn’t there an online calculator somewhere that gives folks a view of before and after? If rates didn’t change and standard deductions went up, he’s probably better off on that point alone to more than cover his other considerations, isn’t he ?

    • Ted S.

      I’m pissed that they couldn’t get the bill passed in time to lower 2017 taxes.

    • JaimeRoberto

      I ride my bike to work and used to read some cycling blogs where they complained that companies can write off parking expenses. They said it was unfair to cyclists, and that we should get paid to ride to work. I guess we just got equalized. Besides, what are you complaining about? It’s only about 10% of peanuts. Snarkiness aside, you are probably still coming out ahead given that the overall rates are coming down, and you can take the smug satisfaction in being green.

    • commodious spittoon

      Only in Trump’s America! BRING BACK NET NEUTRALITY!!!

    • Number.6

      Probably a master plan devised by a consortium of leek farmers.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      That’s fucking brilliant.

    • Number.6

      Next up, a rescue pet-backed cryptocurrency.

      • commodious spittoon

        #MeToo, but a cryptocurrency. It’s got a feminist blockchain!

      • Number.6

        Uhh, the cryptography lacks strength and is non-deterministic?

        Sorry, that’s all I got.

      • Just Say'n

        Sounds like that crypto currency should be making me a sandwich.

        #triggered!

    • Suthenboy

      Most scam artists claim that their victims are such fools that they deserve to be taken. It is hard to disagree with that sometimes.

  14. Drake

    Since Russian collusion is obviously the only reason Trump won, you would think he’d be a bit grateful.

    Donald Trump approves deal for US to sell sniper rifles to Ukraine, angering Russia
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/12/21/donald-trump-approves-deal-us-sell-sniper-rifles-ukraine-angering/

    “The US congress authorised the export of lethal defensive weapons to Ukraine in a law signed in 2014, but Barack Obama’s administration refrained from delivering the arms.”

    • Gilmore

      American “sniper rifles” are more deadly than regular ones. Because America.

      (actually reads story)

      Oh, they’re Barrett .50’s. Which are really anti-materiel, but whatever.

      ” lethal small arms”

      As tho there’s some other kind?

      • Lachowsky

        My boss has a Barrett 50. I have shot it. That was a lot of fun.

      • Chipwooder

        Those guns that shoot out the flag that say “BANG!”?

    • Number.6

      2 words I hate seeing when used incorrectly. Berserk and Decimate.

      That is all.

      • Tundra

        Literally?

      • Number.6

        I didn’t say my list was exhaustive or complete.

      • Q Continuum

        Irregardless.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The consummate annoyance.

      • commodious spittoon

        Normalcy.

      • Number.6

        Curated.

      • ron73440

        let me refer back

      • Derpetologist

        At the end of the day, cliche verbage will get you thrown under the bus.

      • Number.6

        You mean you’re making an empassioned plea to eschew linguistic prolixity?

      • Derpetologist

        I know you believe you think you understand what you thought I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

      • Lachowsky

        Do you know how I know that you know that I know that you’re gay?

      • ron73440

        You made your cake and now you can lie in it

      • Drake

        I think we need a dialogue.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Great, we can discuss the monthly spend too.

      • Drake

        Let’s put a pin in that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Later offline, we can circle back to it.

      • one true athena

        That’s literally begging the question ironically

      • F. Stupidity Jr.

        I know the popular usage of “begs the question” isn’t related to the fallacy, but damn if it doesn’t feel right.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Berserk Lepers is my new band name

      • Number.6

        That’s OK. It would be Berserk Bacteria that would trigger me.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Much of the talk about drug resistance is overblown hype.

      When a pathogen adapts to a new antibiotic or other drug treatment, it often loses its prior resistance to a different one. These aren’t single-celled versions of Superman. I remember 12 years ago there was a big panic about HIV becoming resistant to the latest treatment. Then it became apparent that the new “super-resistant” HIV had actually become incredibly vulnerable to an older treatment that had largely stopped being used because of the resistance built up to it.

      So the new course of treatment became to alternate the new and old drugs. This probably gave rise to a third version that was resistant to both, but vulnerable to something else that neither of the first two were.

    • Number.6

      Disgusting though that story is (as well as the other one at the end of the article), unless you want nations to be able to prosecute foreign nationals in their own country, for crimes allegedly committed in their own country, the only real redress here is via diplomatic channels, or vigilantism.

      • Rasilio

        Sounds like a job for the A Team

        Only half tongue in cheek here. I’d love to see some former spec ops guys get together and form a private merc unit that specializes in “resolving” these kinds of cases. Maybe funded by a benevolent billionare.

      • Mad Scientist

        +1 plan coming together

      • KSuellington

        Sounds like you want a combination of the A Team and Magnum PI. Maybe we could throw in a jumping Dodge Charger in the mix as well if we are totally going awesome 80’s shows on it.

      • Tundra

        Power Wagon!

      • KSuellington

        Those were among the coolest trucks ever made.

      • Mad Scientist

        Starring Sloopy!

      • Chipwooder

        I’ve always been partial to Colt Seaver’s GMC K2500

      • MikeS

        It was a pretty sweet truck

    • {|}===[|}:;:;:;:;:;:;:>

      Rape like statutory or rape like common law?

  15. Raston Bot

    Glamour Magazine interviewed a bunch of women at Shot Show. Some real solid responses.

    https://www.glamour.com/gallery/we-asked-real-women-at-the-worlds-biggest-gun-show-why-do-you-own-a-gun

    One woman, OTOH, got her ass promptly fired by her corporate sponsor. She was a sponsored shooter for Taran but came out in the interview with “nobody needs more than 3 guns…” and how she would be okay if the govt took all the guns. No shit. She really said that.

    • Number.6

      You very very rarely hear an industry insider call them “silencers” either. That’s a real “tell”.

      • Q Continuum

        Suppressor.

      • Number.6

        She also didn;t think too much of people owning semi-automatics in pistol- or long gun format, so all that competing she did was presumably with a wheel gun.

        I’m prepared to believe she was just a deer-in-the-headlights, but Taran should have had better judgment in the first place.

      • Raston Bot

        I’m assuming he saw her posing with a firearm on instagram and hired her b/c she’s smoking hot without ever really getting into her head to determine if she’d be a proper representative.

        His bad.

    • Tundra

      Excellent. I love how clued in they are regarding the media.

      • Raston Bot

        Yep. Either “I don’t watch the news” or “the mainstream news is bullshit”. I can dig that.

        My fav line:

        Don’t tell me and don’t preach to me that “guns are bad,” and this and that. Guns don’t kill people.

      • Ed Wuncler

        The answers from the women were excellent. It would have been nice if one of them said, “Fuck off, slaver.”

      • antisthenes

        Right, it’s the bullets that kill people.

    • Just Say'n

      They needed a study for this? I thought everyone learned this in junior high

      • Number.6

        I really should start wearing a wedding band.

    • Derpetologist

      If someone is attractive, they’re more likely to be in a relationship. Hence the correlation.

      It’s the “wet streets cause rain” misinterpretation.

  16. creech

    Will be learning more about (((those people))) later today? A minister today told me that rabbis don’t preach, they ask questions. Sounds pretty cool. Would like to know
    (((your))) thoughts.

    • Derpetologist

      -Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

      -Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

      -Ummm…is it right to buy a Chrysler?

      -Yes! For great is the car with power steering!

      ****

      A famous rabbi lies on his deathbed. 3 of his best students gather around him.

      -So pious! Is there a single word of the Torah he did not obey?

      -So wise! He knows the Talmud like the back of his hand.

      -So generous! Was there ever a kinder man?

      The rabbi opens his eyes. His students wait for his final words.

      “Piety, wisdom, generosity…and of my great modesty you say nothing?!”

  17. Number.6

    OT: I am gratified to learn that unlike Connecticut, New York is a One-Party Consent state with regard to the recording of conversations.

    • Q Continuum

      Now if we can get it to be a one-party consent state for sexual intercourse, then we’re getting somewhere.

      • Playa Manhattan

        You have my permission to touch yourself.

      • Number.6

        We really do need to get you laid, don’t we? :/

      • Q Continuum

        Too much ibuprofen.

      • Q Continuum

        Also, why are you recording conversations?

      • Number.6

        Getting ready for my annual review and the (probable) GTFO meeting.

        They’re not going to like me wanting my severance package – if it arises – being checked over by a lawyer.

      • Q Continuum

        Are you quitting altogether?

        Move to a free state!

  18. Chipwooder

    So Paul Nehlen’s doing well for himself on Twitter, I see.

    You know who else compiled lists of Jews?

    • Number.6

      Caesar Augustus?

    • Just Say'n

      “I’m compiling a list of all these people who call me an anti-semite. Guess what, they’re mainly Joows. Figures. They control the media, after all.”

      – Paul Nehlan

    • Juvenile Bluster

      Nehlen saw what happened in 2016, decided he didn’t have a chance against Paul Ryan anyways, and let his freak flag fly.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        He even got (((Breitbart))) and (((Steve Bannon))) to disavow him. That’s special.

      • Chipwooder

        Yeah, I was surprised to see Joel Pollack’s name on his list. Didn’t know Nehlen had broken from the Breitosphere.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        He was all proud when they were supporting him, then said nothing when Bannon disavowed him, and then when Bannon broke with Trump he said “SEE? I WAS RIGHT!”

        He’s got a profile on Gab, where he lets his freak flag fly more than he does on twitter. https://gab.ai/pnehlen

      • Just Say'n

        He posted this conversation between himself and someone else

        “Paul Nehlan

        You missed a candidate.

        Paul Town @pt
        a day
        Ok time for an #aryan poll

        Whomst is a better leader of good people (Whites only plz)”

    • Raston Bot

      he’s coming off a bit unhinged. particularly the deleted tweets of each media corp’s executive and newsroom headshots.

    • Q Continuum

      Ummmm…. ok….

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      So Nehlen is the anti-Semitic Hihn?

      • Chipwooder

        That’s a rather good comparison

    • Playa Manhattan

      Nickelodeon is for dorks. This explains so much.

      • Just Say'n

        Quite salad boy

      • Playa Manhattan

        I’m having a dozen wings for lunch to offset it.

      • Lachowsky

        wings pair great with a nice salad.

    • Chipwooder

      Which makes me feel even older because that show was in my sister’s wheelhouse, and she’s eight years younger than me.

    • CPRM

      Just know, you’re not the strongest man…in the world!

  19. Derpetologist

    fun fact: the inventor of Sea Monkeys was a Jewish Nazi

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_von_Braunhut

    ***
    Harold Nathan Braunhut (March 31, 1926 – November 28, 2003), also known as Harold von Braunhut, was an American mail-order marketer and inventor, most famous as the creator and seller of both the Amazing Sea-Monkeys and the X-Ray Specs.

    Braunhut was born in Brooklyn, New York on March 31, 1926. He grew up in New York City and resided there until the 1980s, when he moved to Maryland.[2] According to a report in The Washington Post, he was raised “as Harold Nathan Braunhut, a Jew”[3] — notable in light of his later association with white supremacist groups. He added “von” to his name some time in the 1950s for a more Germanic sound and so he could be more distant from his Jewish family

    The Washington Post stated in a report that, despite his Jewish ethnicity, he had a close association with white supremacist groups, buying firearms for a Ku Klux Klan faction and regularly attending the Aryan Nations annual conference.[3] In a 1988 interview with The Seattle Times, he referred to the “inscrutable, slanty Korean eyes” of Korean shop owners and was quoted as saying, “You know what side I’m on. I don’t make any bones about it.
    ***

    195 patents.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Uncle Harry, he’s an odd one

  20. Chipwooder

    Max Kellerman says Fighting Irish is an offensive name that needs to be changed. I can’t tell what is and isn’t parody anymore.

    As a DNA-test documented 20% Irish heritage person, I am grievously offended!

    • Number.6

      And we know what happens when you fenians get grievously offended.

      • Just Say'n

        They get drunk? Wait…that’s not right, they’re always drunk. They get sober? That’s not right either

      • Spartacus

        Did you hear about the Irishman who got so drunk he kissed his wife and beat the pope’s ring with a shovel?

      • Naptown Bill

        I used to work at an Irish bar owned by an actual Irishman (as in born in Ireland and became an American in his late 30s). He used to talk about a time he saw the Scottish national team play a World Cup qualifier. According to him, every single player was either hung over or drunk at the time. They’d be on the sidelines throwing up between cigarettes. To quote, “I’m surprised they even made it to the stadium.” Ask him and he’ll tell you that the Irish enjoy a drink, but the Scottish are raging alcoholics.

      • Number.6

        He’s basically right, but really, it’s like the Special Olympics.

      • Naptown Bill

        My impression of Scotland is that some time in the middle of the last century the entire country said, “Ah, fuck it,” and threw in the towel.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Literally entire effort of the Scottish state was spent on building a colony in Panama.

        After that, they decided to commit national suicide on behalf of Bonny Prince Charles and then said ‘fuck everything’.

        Keep in mind, every Scott who could get out either wound up in London, as a soldier or a colonial administrator for the Empire.

      • Spartacus

        One of my coaches in college was a former Scottish national team player. Dude could launch a 50-60 yard pass and drop it exactly where he said it would go, every time. He had this wicked shot from the top of the box that would come screaming in balls-high and fluttering like a knuckleball (which it was). I’m pretty sure I broke two fingers trying to stop them.

      • Lachowsky

        They fight. that’s why it’s offensive.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They consume even more souls?

      • Pan Zagloba

        They invade Canada and murder their own for “collaborating”?

    • MikeS

      I’ve never understood why Fighting Sioux is “hostile and abusive” but Fighting Irish is totes OK.

    • Tundra

      Fuck it. Time to up the controversy.

      Like so.

    • Raston Bot

      The Oppressive Appropriators mascot of the University of Central Georgia not looking so safe anymore.

    • Chipwooder

      Since approximately 90% of the supposed “Irish-Americans” in the Northeast rock Notre Dame gear, I’m guessing he’s not going to rally a lot of support to this cause.

      • Number.6

        I also get surprised with the NYC St. Patrick’s day Parade. All that cultural appropriation going on, and let’s face it, stolen valor. No way ALL of those gay guys are from Ireland originally.

      • KSuellington

        No, they said they were Gaylicks, not Irish.

    • Playa Manhattan

      Fighting, as in “never gives up”?

      Or fighting, as in “stay away from my wife, you son of a bitch!”?

    • John Titor

      I agree, we should change the name to ‘the Fighting Potato Niggers’.

      • kinnath

        The blacks of Europe.

      • Number.6

        When the Great Spirit created the nations of man, each tribe was given a gift, which the people themselves chose. And so my son, the Arabs got the oil, and the Irish, potatoes?

        Father, why did the arabs of all people, get the oil?

        The Irish got first pick.

  21. Tonio

    I worry about The Hair. Another moving story. Thanks, Sug, for making the world a better, happier place.

  22. Unreconstructed

    OT: Just finished my annual Sexual Harassment Training. I was sorely disappointed in the content. There was nothing about how to do it right.

    • Number.6

      Its almost as though they WANT you to fail.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Be attractive.

      Don’t be unattractive.

      • Unreconstructed

        So…if accused of harassment, I can blame my parents for not making me hot?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Blame white cishet men, that always works

      • Number.6

        “The patriarchy made me a cishet shitlord”.

      • Number.6

        ::Adopts Ted (Theodore) Logan pose:: “Whoa. Jinx!”

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Kind of related: I’m working on my annual self-evaluation now. It’s 15 pages and I had to sit through an hour long instructional video before starting. Seriously?

      • Number.6

        They did that at my firm for a year.

        It’s the only time I have been truly proud of my cow orkers. I think that in their spare time, they’re all shitlords – not that you’d know it by their demeanor. Some of their self analysis was grade A trolling.

      • {|}===[|}:;:;:;:;:;:;:>

        Go on…

      • Number.6

        Routine stuff like

        This year, I consider the greatest personal advancement I made was in developing a better understanding of my modesty and ability.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        I wish I could do that but have to take it seriously. The buzzword are starting to blend together though and I feel like I’m trapped in a Dilbert cartoon.

        Maximized my intrapotential
        Combined synergies to actualize a new priority
        Slayed the Cis Het Shitlords (if I worked for Google)

      • Chipwooder

        Moooooooooooooooooooo…….

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        WTF

      • Gustave Lytton

        Picturing A Clockwork Orange and the eyelids being held open.

      • Unreconstructed

        Sadly, I missed one question in the 7(!) post-video quizzes. I was aiming for perfection without paying attention. Almost nailed it. (Wait…is that a violation?)

    • Lachowsky

      I work with about 400 dudes and a couple of butch lesbians. I have to take sexual harassment training every year. it’s nothing but a joke, even to the presenter.

    • Number.6

      Adam must have been such a disappointment to his father, Irwin.

    • Q Continuum

      Chewbacca defense, I love it.

      As evidenced by their superior memes and the Left’s terminal lack of a sense of humor, it’s as I predicted years ago: the Right is the new counterculture.

  23. Q Continuum

    #6, did your friend ever get his hands on clen? Wondering if it’s working for him.

    • Number.6

      I haven’t seen him lately – so I dunno. He’s the kind of person who might dither around because of the non-standard way of obtaining it.