The air in the Kennedy Fuck Tunnels had been stale and muggy and Rudy pulled out his compact to check his make-up for the fifth time. It felt like his mascara was running but his mascara wasn’t running. He hated being smuggled into the White House like a common whore, like a shameful secret.
“He says he still loves me,” Rudy whispered into the tiny mirror. “I believe him. I have to believe him.” He used a red-lacquered nail to start the ancient cage elevator. It rumbled and shook as it dragged him up into the light.
“Good evening, sir,” Rudy said breathily to the Secret Service agent that open the elevator door for him. He offered a hand to the agent but the large man in the sunglasses and earpiece stared at it until Rudy dropped it to his side.
“No manners,” Rudy muttered to himself. “No manners whatsoever.” He touched his hair self-consciously as he followed the agent to the Oval Office.
“Knock first,” the agent said when they reached the door. He had a sneer on his face as he stood to the side.
Rudy straightened his blouse where it had slipped off the hump forming on his back and took a deep breath to steady himself. “He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me,” he whispered as he knocked. The door buzzed and unlocked with the dull thud of a bolt drawing back. He stepped through as the door opened.
“Friend Rudy,” Donald said, loud and heartily and completely fake even to his hopeful ears. The door shut itself behind him.
The smell hit him first, piss and jizz and the warm animal reek of unwashed bodies. Rudy put a hand up to cover his nose and mouth.
“Come in, come in,” Donald said. He was in a bathrobe untied at the waist and nothing else. Rudy couldn’t help but look at the greasy white hair of his pubic mound and the angry red stub of a penis sticking out of it. He tore his eyes away to look at the President’s face: the narrowed eyes, the thin lips, the broken blood vessels in his cheek and nose.
“Mr. President,” Rudy said. He tried not to let his eyes widen in shock as the President’s hair reared up as if blowing in a nonexistent breeze and settled itself back down, kneading the President’s head like a cat trying to get comfortable.
“What’s this about pleading the 5th?” Donald asked. “I can’t plead the 5th. Mobsters plead the 5th. Gangsters plead the 5th. Guys who sleep with porn stars plead the 5th. I can’t plead the 5th.”
“Mr. President,” Rudy began, “I misspoke. I’ll clean it up. I’ll make it all better.”
Donald held up his right hand. A Make America Great hat was sitting on his fist.
“He says this is really uncomfortable,” Donald said.
“Who, Mr. President?”
“What?” Donald said like a deafened concertgoer.
“Who says it’s uncomfortable, Mr. President?” Rudy asked. The heat in the Oval Office was turned up jungle hot. Rudy could feel the gusset of his support panties getting wet.
“The hat. The hat says sitting on my fist is really uncomfortable. He says it’s like getting fisted,” Donald said.
“Yes, Mr. President,” Rudy said. He hugged himself under his stuffed bra.
“Say hello to my hat,” Donald said thrusting the fisted hat forwards. “He is my most trusted adviser.”
Rudy backed away from the filthy hat involuntarily and Donald took a step forward.
“Uh, hello Mr. Hat,” Rudy said. “I’m Rudy Giuliani. Nice to meet you.”
“He wants to know why you are dressed up like a cheap tranny hooker,” Donald said. He reached out with his free hand and caressed Rudy’s breasts.
“You told me to come in disguise, Mr. President,” Rudy stammered. “And you’ve always liked this dress.”
Donald turned the hat’s front toward his face and they both laughed.
He loves me . . . .
The smell hit him first, piss and jizz and the warm animal reek of unwashed bodies.
Just like NYC.
I have fallen into a black hole with the hat and the hair.
There is no one else around.
Well. I always count on SugarFree to bring the nightmare fuel and he never lets me down?!?
Just like reading a Sugarfree article
Rudy could feel the gusset of his support panties getting wet.
Been a long time since that debate with Ron Paul, hasn’t it, Rudy?
Not sure what it is about Rudy, but the guy has always come across as creepy to me.
I…I can totally see that in my mind’s eye.
*passes eye bleach*
Or maybe an ice-pick, just to scratch at that itch deep in your ear?
In Oct. 2016 my company had a mini-trade show in Chicago. The second morning of the show a bunch of coworkers came back and said that during their pub crawl the night before they had ended up at the rooftop bar at the Trump Tower in Chicago and Gulliani and Trump had showed up as well.
All of them said both were wonderful guys. Trump mocked them for not having any women in their group. All of them had their pics taken with the two guys. The best was one of my coworkers is from Mexico. He lamented, “I finally meet someone famous, but how can I show this pic to my family?”
“Trump mocked them for not having any women in their group.”
No pussies to grab, amirite?
I feel like I need a shower after reading that. But I’m at work. So maybe I’ll just wipe down with a disinfecting wipe.
I was reduced to jetting hand sanitizer over my head.
“Why are you trying to wash with Drano?”
Rudy’s hush money road show is quite an enterprise. I guess the plan is to muddy the waters so hard nobody will even remember what it is they’re supposed to be talking about. Either that, or Ghouliani has somehow deluded himself into believing he actually has some sort of advisory role.
“Ghouliani”
That name seems to fit Rudy so well.
I think Giuliani is angling to replace Sessions.
Forgive the OT and possibility of this has already being covered but my time is limited and I can’t check to see if that’s the case. So…
http://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/386450-connecticut-lawmakers-vote-to-give-electoral-votes-to-presidential?amp
How in the everlovinfuck is this legal?
The states can apportion their electoral votes how ever they like.
I expect some voters to sue saying their vote is being undermined when their state goes one way, but the national vote goes a different way.
This is a movement that’s been around for a while. The states enter into a compact to assign their state electoral votes to the winner of the national popular vote. The compact goes into effect when they have signatories amounting to at least 270 electoral votes.
The frightening thing is that it’s even constitutional:
That’s all the US Constitution says on the matter.
That’s all the constitution
Here’s the Wikipedia writeup on the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact.
Because the Constitution says States get to decide how their electoral college electors are allocated.
There is no actual constitutional right to vote for President, there are Federal Laws dictating that if a voting process is used to select the electors it has to be universal and “fair” but each state is free to select it’s EC Electors any way it sees fit. They could if they wanted simply allow the governor to appoint them and not bother with the election at all.
https://www.archives.gov/federal-register/electoral-college/provisions.html
Basically all the stuff that comes after in the amendments is “if” they hold a vote and who is eligible to be an elector and then some changes in dates and such. The basic rule remains each state legislature chooses whatever method of appointing the Presidental electors they want and the people have no actual right to vote for the President.
What I find hilarious is that it would be popular with a state’s voters to pass a law literally making a state’s voters much less powerful.
This does not seem particularly bright.
They assume that their constituency is permanently Team Blue and the national popular vote is permanently Team Blue.
It’s exceptionally short-sighted, but as everyone above has said, they can do whatever stupid shit they want.
It’ll be hilarious when the presidency is effectively chosen by popular vote and millions of formerly disenfranchised Californian republicans are suddenly in play again.
Interesting point. I wonder how many in CA, NY, etc. haven’t voted in decades because it was always a waste of time.
^^This.
For a long time, I’ve noticed that people are extremely short sighted when it comes to politics. Somehow they believe that things will remain exactly as they are forever – their party will always be in power, etc. So if they pass this law in response to Clinton’s loss, there is NO way it would ever benefit a Republican.
Surely this will take the money out of politics, right?
Surely the path to victory won’t be dumping ads into the largest markets in the country, right?
Everyone’s vote counts now, right?
I hope you like Trump, cause you’re gonna get lots and lots of rich, celebrity presidents from now on.
There’s an iron law for that:
What I don’t understand is why they didn’t just do what they really wanted to and say that their Electoral Votes are always Team Blue, regardless of how anyone votes, nationally or otherwise. I guess they’re not quite ready to rip off the mask that much.
In theory they could do that. My guess is the courts would make up some shit to explain why they can’t but there is legally nothing preventing a state from permanently delegating the elector selection power to say the President of the Democratic National Comittee
I would actually go the other way…I would like to see an amendment to require states to use the ME/NE rule for awarding electoral votes.
This compact leads to voter fraud being able to swing a close election. Under the current rules, voter fraud in one location could swing a big state. Under the ME/NE rule, it would effect 3 ECs max.
This is my preferred solution as well.
How much you want to bet this law will be violated as soon as the “wrong person” wins the popular vote, as in any Republican?
Do it. I can guarantee that a bunch of people from solid blue states will suddenly find motivation to vote. I will laugh my ass off if in 2020, their state electors have to cast theor ballot for Trump.
I wonder how Rosemary Kennedy’s fuck tunnel was after the lobotomy.
Probably a little dry?
Speaking of muddying the waters…
The group advertises Carry Guard as the nation’s “most complete self-defense membership program” on its website, referring to Lockton’s plan as “comprehensive personal firearms liability insurance.” Regulators said the insurance unlawfully offered protection for certain acts of intentional wrongdoing and improperly provided coverage for acts of self defense. Gun control advocates have criticized the program, referring to it as “murder insurance.”
Lockton issued 680 Carry Guard policies to New York residents between April and November of last year, the DFS determined. Between 2000 and March 2018, Lockton and the NRA offered at least 11 other insurance programs. The company collected $12 million in premiums and $785,460 in administrative fees related to these programs during that time, according to the DFS.
An investigation by the DFS found the program was actively advertised in New York by the NRA both online and through traditional mail. The firearms lobby doesn’t have a license to conduct insurance business in New York, according to the DFS, which oversees insurers and banks chartered in the state.
There is a severe shortage of useful information in the article, Bloombergers. Why would you do that?
It’s “murder insurance”. What more do we need to know?
Welp, it’s settled; time to go on that killing spree I’ve always wanted to. I always figured that I’d get caught and go to prison, but if I’ve got murder insurance I guess I can do whatever I want!
Only in a society that accepts monetary compensation for murder like the Icelandic Free State. You’ll still go to jail here.
So does this imply that the hair and the hat are not actually alive and all of it is aspartame-induced hallucinations on the part of Trump?
Also, what was going on in that office before Mrs. Giuliani showed up?
EnquiringDeranged minds want to know!Piss, Jizz, and unwashed bodies…
The Russian hookers must have just left.
I’d argue that The Hair situating itself like Pussyfoot on Marc Antony and the last sentence (both The Hat and Trump laughing at Rudy) are in line with a universe where the two are alive, however the beauty if the unreliable narrator leave this up to debate, perhaps it’s Rudy and Trump who laugh, or the hat ony laughs in Trump’s mind which is way it only reacts once turned towards Donny, and The hair only seems to move in lifelike ways, Scholars will undoubtably discuss these questions for centuries.
WHYCOME YOU NO SCIENCE?
If Americans were 25 times as likely to die of cancer as citizens of other wealthy nations, the federal government would be pouring billions into research to find the causes.
Science will prove the folly of private firearm ownership, and then the confiscations can commence.
Fuck Bloomberg and his statist useful idiots. He, as with Soros, needs to hurry up and die.
Wow, that’s a lot of statistic skewing. “US gun homicide rate is 25 times as high as peer countries”. Narrowing the field by both type of country and type of murder in order to make things seem extra dangerous. I guess they have to if they want to pimp gun control, as if you look at things from a different perspective they don’t looks so bad:
– US homicide rate (all methods) is 7 times as high as in those “peer countries” (OECD nations with high income – i.e. excluding Mexico, Chile, and Turkey, all nations with similar or higher rates than the US). Personally I don’t find gun homicide any worse, or knife homicide any better – murder is murder, focusing on the tool is obfuscation.
– US homicide rate of 4.8 is significantly safer than the 6.2 world average
– US homicide rate of 4.8 is substantially safer than the Americas (N&S) average of 16.3. The only countries/territories in the Americas safer than the US are Cuba*, Aruba, Martinique, Chile, and Canada. (*Cuba’s records, of course, may be dubious)
But of course all of that is besides the point. Gun rights are rights, not subject to abrogation in the name of safety.
All government statistics are dubious
Listen very carefully,
“The right to keep and bear arms is not dependant upon its utility, Molon Labe motherfucker.”
^^^What he said.
Thinking about Rosemary Kennedy got me thinking about the Kennedy family in general.
Team Blue mouthpieces are always fapping about the “Kennedy curse” and the injustice of the world that such a luminous and beatific family can have so many unfortunate things happen to them. It’s tragic and unfair!
I actually think it’s evidence of G-d smiting/exterminating their legacy because of how evil they are. Further evidence: read about Bernie Madoff and his family/associates and how many of them have succumbed to terrible afflictions.
Maybe to have to just be an exceptionally high profile piece of shit to attract Old Testament wrath.
Maybe [you] have to just be an exceptionally high profile piece of shit to attract Old Testament wrath.
God only reads the tabloids.
I meant to say:
God does not hear our prayers.
God only reads the tabloids.
I know several regular old american familoes who have had more premature deaths in them than the kennedy’s, and more often than not, it’s the fault of the dead individuals as to why they died before their time.
Other than JFK and RFK, which bad things were not self inflicted?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kennedy_curse
Again, I don’t disagree that it’s self inflicted, but fuck them anyway.
Scrubbing my eyeballs with Lava hand soap was REALLY painful. And it did nothing to erase the visual.
OT: Deranged.
https://pjmedia.com/trending/calif-school-mural-depicted-aztec-warrior-carrying-out-human-sacrifice-with-trumps-severed-head/
I foresee an interesting conversation between the artist and the secret service. Kathy Griffin sends her regards.
Holy shit!
The morons in the NRA just named Ollie North as their next president!!!!! I guess they wanted an incompetent self-promoting prat, and Obama wasn’t answering their phone calls.
I never got the Ollie North love.
The last gasp of McCarthy-level anti-communism. Anything you do–no matter how heinous or illegal–is OK if it is done to stick to those pinkos!
Your views intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Meh, he kept his mouth shut and never turned on his boss to save his own skin and watching him make Congress look like morons was enjoyable.
Other than that, yeah not too much to love about the guy unless you are a hardcore neocon
It’s essentially the same phenomenon as the Hillary Clinton adulation.
People wanted him to be a hero, so they ignored all the evidence of his incompetence and venality that came out of the Iran Contra investigation. They are convinced he is a great man, and nothing can sway them.
Does the hat in this scenario have drawn on eyes? Allusion…
For those of you who have not satiated your need for self harm by reading the above offering from SF, I give you Ta-Nehisi Coates’ new article I’m Not Black, I’m Kanye. It is one of the most over the top things I’ve read in a while.
And… that’s as far as I got.
The local rag’s black leftist columnist led his off with
“Kanye perpetuates the myth of the happy slave” or some shit like that. I’m not giving that fucker a click.
That is some yummy salty tears.
Although, cut the first three paragraphs. That’s just wanking off. Are they afraid to edit their Resident Genius?
I mean, he typed out 5000 words but barely said a 1000.
This is very true. After a while the shine of the thing wore off and I just skimmed the concluding paragraphs. Although I disagree about the first 3 paragraphs: that was awesome in its ridiculousness.
Glib challenge – how far can you go before you facepalm?
Third paragraph, second sentence, at the phrase “his pharaoh nose”.
And I can’t read past third, because his style has evolved from the days I read him to the explicitly “drive audience away” one.
Obsfucation masquerading as erudition.
Paul Wagner
Verified account @Fox5Wagner
All in a days work. Firefighters from Engine 7 were flagged down for a baby locked in a car at 5th and M streets today. FF’s broke the drivers side window & pulled an infant out unharmed. Mom said baby had been in car for 5 minutes. @dcfireems @SafeDC
i’m going to go out on a limb and assume that what the mom really said was “WTF? she was in there while i hit this ATM machine”
dragon dreamer
@dragondreamer09
May 3
Replying to @Fox5Wagner @dcfireems @SafeDC
It doesn’t matter. 5 min or 5 hours an infant should never be let in a car.
LOL 5 minutes = 5 hours = 5 days = 5 seconds GET THAT BABY OUT BEFORE IT DIES
So… am I to believe other people can’t hear The Hair and The Hat? They are just figments of The Donald’s imagination? AS IF!
Fuck it, that probably wasn’t a real The Hat. For one, he’s way too polite to Rudy.
Either they are figments of a delusional imagination – or oracles that only reveal their true form to the worthy. You decide.