As many people have pointed out, this Subaru commercial is basically the set-up for a horror film. Blind old man lures dipshit hipster couple out to “the place on the map only he knows the way to,” turns out to not really be blind, murders them and steals their Subaru.
But I realized it’s not just this Subaru commercial…
“Grandma, I doan wanna hug no more trees,” Keilyreine said.
“But this is the tree, I swear it’s the tree,” Grandma said, hugging the old tree as hard as she could. Her hands were bloody from the rough bark; the front of her dress hung in ribbons.
“Keilyreine!” her mother shouted. “You hug whatever Grandma tells you to hug!”
“It hurts, Mommy,” she said, her tiny voice lost in the fields and hanging mist.
Grandma let go of the tree and twirled around drunkenly. “No!,” she shouted, pointing. “That is the tree! That is the tree where your Grandfather first took me!” She took off in a stiff-legged toddle across the field.
“His seed!” she screamed. “His seed steamed on my thighs in the morning air!”
“Go with Grandmother,” Keilyreine’s mother order.
“But I’m scared,” the small girl replied.
Grandma tackled the tree, ripping open her face. “It did mix with my maidenhead and flow out onto the ground!”
Keilyreine looked at her mother and father, and then to her Grandmother, bloody-faced against the tree.
“The tree, child!” Grandmother called, waving a veined hand. “Come and hug the tree! I can hear your grandfather calling!”
Keilyreine began to cry, great sobs that she struggled to breathe during. She clutched at the thin bones of her chest where they burned with pain.
“This is barbaric,” Keilyreine’s father muttered.
“This is my family,” her mother said coldly. “Our rites, our traditions. You knew this when you married into our clan. It is just one child. I am still fertile. Come, take me into the sacred forest. Plant another child in me if you can.” She stared at him until he finally looked away. She let out a snort of disgust.
Keilyreine’s mother stalked away, picked up the crying child and carried her Grandmother.
“Yes,” the old woman croaked. “This is it, this is the tree. I can feel him in it. Touch the tree. Know.”
Still holding on to the struggling child, now in full-blown tantrum, she reached out and placed her palm flat on the trunk of the ancient oak. She could smell her father’s tobacco. She could hear a faint echo of his voice. She could feel his rough hand sliding up her inner thigh. She shuddered and stepped back and swallowed hard against rising vomit.
“Could you feel him?” the crone asked.
The mother nodded and thrust the maiden forward.
“Just get it over with,” she said. She held onto the small, struggling form as the old woman, hands shaking, pulled out the knife, black with a thousand years of blood. Keilyreine began to scream and scream. Her voice filled the forest.
Grandma opened the girl’s throat and then her own. They both collapsed against the tree and blood gushed over the bark and soaked into the ground.
Keilyreine’s mother picked up the knife and left them both there–old and young, small and pale; left them there for the forest–and got back into her Subaru.
I thought Subarus were a lesbian hallmark. Like the LPGA.
Now hit that relevant mother-fkin’ Theme Music !
A Subaru Outback, yes.
A Subaru WRX STI? Well, I like chicks and I’m not afraid to admit it!
I think I’ll drive the truck to work in the morning.
The Subaru I’d rather be driving.
It doesn’t sell like it should, that’s for sure.
The car or the story ?
Exactly.
If it were marketed as the Toyota 86, it would.
I wouldn’t care what they called it if they made it a hatchback (also acceptable: WRX hatchback).
This summer I test drove a Ford, Subaru, and a VW…I bought a VW.
Subaru
Also Subaru
Racist but funny Subaru
When I started watching the video, I thought the old blind man with the stick was going to take the couple out into the woods and murder the beta male she was with and then rape her.
It would have been less offensive than the article that followed.
This. Many, many times this.
Saw this one today – tell me after the first couple of seconds, you don’t expect to see a bunch of garbage bags of body parts being dumped into the tub with a few jugs of acid.
The bleach comes after. And you’ll still get caught.
“can you really talk to cats?”
“you mean you can’t?”
That was some sick, twisted shit. Bravo.
LOL.
Watching Tucker on Fox…showing Dems trying to torpedo Kavanaugh, my gf is yelling at the tv. Not in the dems favor…
Pics?
Or it didn’t happen.
Ann Coulter is really going heavy on the make-up these days. She looks like she has an Instagram filter applied.
All the lefties I know are all in and hoping for that Kavanaugh blood. I really really hope Repubs get their shit together and end this charade.
Well, Subaru…
Only re-posted because I was “awaiting moderation”. Is there a link limit?
My favorite Regular Car video.
You missed the part where she sodomized the cooling bodies with an heirloom grizzly baculum while her husband vomited in a bush.
Kind of on topic b/c cars. Has anyone done a lift kit on a Tacoma? Easy to do yourself or need a shop?
Get crawl control!!!!! (if you don’t already have it).
Then you can do your lift.
Just got the parts for my GX 460. Gonna have it installed soon.
I have the TRD off road package already. I just want it to be really red neck.
Couldn’t they have come up with some acronym other than TRD? It sounds terrible. “Hey man, if you ain’t got TRD, you ain’t got shit.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19BNRvuNLWE
Spawn’s pal did it on a 4Runner. If an 18 yo knucklehead can do it, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
“18 yo knucklehead” = future Billionaire
Cool. I may make this my January project. Time to start the research.
I had a buddy put a lift kit on his Suburban in high school during the winter. He forgot to measure the garage door, so once the lift kit was on, it wouldn’t fit back out the garage door.
Much hilarity at his expense. Don’t be like him.
Poor guy. I only want a 3 inch lift max. Maybe 4-5 with taller tires.
I just had a roll up garage door installed. Ask me why.
Why?
18 yo knucklehead don’t know better. Those of us who have suffered through improper “upgrades” are more afraid of taking shit apart.
How hard can it be?
*opens transmission, gears go flying everywhere*
I tried to change the coaster brake on my Schwinn beach cruiser. A bunch of metal and grease flew everywhere
I remember it all now, And I am Scarred for life……
Sup Tres!
/Tall can (1)!
Hey YUFUS !
I missed the Woodstock sign on the first pass.
“This is where I met your grandpas. All seven of them.”
Woodstock, where Mommy and Daddy made AIDS……….
/Fuck Hippies, then and now,
+1 Take a Bath
Oh grandma Swetnick, you’re so fun!
Nice
Touched a nerve Sir Sucralose. I hate the sappy, touchy feely Subaru commercials. Hate. Them. I want all of those people to die.
I like your version.
But tugging on heartstrings is how you sell in the 2010’s.
It really doesn’t help that they cast horror movie one-off nobodies.
“Love, it’s what makes a Subaru.” WTF does that even mean?
It means “our marketing department discovered that women, especially homosexual women, were overrepresented as Subaru customers, so we decided to pander to rote emotionalism.”
They make sweet and tender love to every Subaru before it ships.
Remember those Subaru commercials with assholes singing off-key? I really, really hated that autistic kid who berated me about saving national parks before screeching like a dying cat.
This is why the Lan Evo will always be superior to the WRX.
I wish to petition for more Sugar Free commercials.
Every Wednesday this month.
That is most excellent news.
Ditto!
Well that quit being funny in a hurry.
It did?
I had a fleeting sense of Cory Doctorow, which is odd since I’ve only read one book of his and didn’t especially care for it, but Christ if it didn’t stick around… it wasn’t a horror story as such, but the weirdness and inexplicability made it memorable and a little worrisome to read.
Also, my PSU has been failing for awhile, and it chose while I was getting to the climax to short and restart my PC. Been a couple months since that’s happened.
I think we can safely blame that on SF, as well.
“Could you feel him?”
I’d put in a new PSU before it does something worse.
Aw, Fate’s a fickle mistress, but she’d never be tempted by something like frying all my electrical components when I need them most and can least afford to replace them.
Before its assistant coach does something bad?
CNN – this report will have no legitimacy until the FBI interviews everyone in America.
☝️????
Some of you may find that disgusting and disturbing which it is, but I see SF contributions as word of the day posts.
“It did mix with my maidenhead and flow out onto the ground!”
I had my suspicions about that word, but after looking it up, that is damn gross and worthy of a standing ovation. I am not sure how it can be put together but someone needs to go on Halloween as a puddle of maidenhead.
Sugar Free is the William Shakespeare of our time. If anything, I will strive to ensure his legacy and works “reach” future generations.
Sugar Free is the reason Cthulhu went into hiding.
Cthulu is merely sleeping, Sugar Free is doing his work in the meantime to prepare us for his eventual awakening.
That is not dead that can a SF read unretched and in strange tales even ejecta may vomit.
I just recovered a memory that Brett Kavanaugh called me a “poopy-head” in kindergarten.
Were you a poopy-head?
That’s not the point.
The story fits with the few people I’ve encountered driving Subaru’s.
Few? There are Subaru’s all over the place here. Tesla’s too. That’s why I want to lift my truck. Send a clear message I’m not one of the smell hippies, but a smelly red neck.
Has anyone noticed that you no longer see the new VW beetles? They used to be everywhere. Now, I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen one. But I occasionally see an original beetle.
I think they were over priced, so I’m not sure how well they sold after the novelty wore off. My dad still has his 73 beetle and wants to restore it now that he is retired.
They are pretty simple.
I have one in my driveway, so no.
I think you might be like Charleston Heston in Omega Man.
Do I get the hot black chick? Because that would be cool.
Rosalind Cash was smoking hot.
RIP
F150 was/is bestselling truck. Used to see [insert generation body style here], and now you hardly do. Same thing, although Beetle sales numbers have dropped tremendously
http://carsalesbase.com/us-car-sales-data/volkswagen/volkswagen-beetle/
I see all kinds of Ford F series all the time.
Look at the bodystyles closely. I bet you won’t see many 9th or 10th generation ones, despite selling millions. Even 11th generations are getting scarcer.
Roll coal
Visited freinds in NH a few months ago. Took their Outback to a restraunt. When we came out, just about every car in the lot was a Subaru.
Where in NH?
Just outside Portsmouth. They live in Newfields.
I drove an Impreza for years…
I drive an Outback to get hit on by lesbians.
Shotgun!
Amazon Warehouse Workers Lose Bonuses, Stock Awards for Raises
Womp womp womppppp
“Ha ha!”
/Nelson Muntz
Wait, they start new employees at top pay, no progression pay, and eliminating incentive pay? If I were a current employee, I’d bail as soon as something else was lined up. That has mediocre future written all over it. At best it will coast like that with the dregs of bad attitude workers. At worst, unionize to put the seal of shit on the pile. Unless the robots get them first.
Machines don’t respond to “incentives” either.
But orphans by gawd do! Food is a helluva incentive.
A couple of summers ago, my kid worked for UPS loading trucks in the morning. Had to be there at 4 every morning. The hourly pay was slightly lower than if he had gotten some other similar jobs. However if he was on time to work every day, he got a weekly bonus of $120. With the bonus, it was a pretty good job.
He said that he was one of the few people that got the bonus regularly. Everyone else would be late at least a few times. If someone really needed cash, they’d be on time for a week and then go back to missing start times.
Fucking punk kids.
I didn’t think Bezos was that dumb, but then again he did buy the Washington Post.
I’ll vote for Trump in 2020 right now if the entrance music for Kavanaugh’s swearing in is either Cobra Starship’s “Good Girls Go Bad” or Diana Ross’ “Upside Down”.
Definitely Diana Ross. Way more classy than Cobra Starship.
He has my vote if the song is “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band
^ Winner!!!
Young girl by Gary Puckett.
Or theme song to The Cosby Show.
Great song, I link now!
Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side”
I can see Donald’s Hair start to sing along.
Moving in Stereo by The Cars and I’ll vote Republican for life.
Someone needs to fortify cheap wine with vitamins and minerals so we can drink it for breakfast with a clear conscience. (I vote White Zinfandel as the test wine.)
That is all.
Chardonnay.
CHARDONNAY?!?
I’d rather die of alcohol poisoning. Unless the Chardonnay wasn’t laid down in oak. I’ve come to despise oak.
Simi chardonnay was so overrated.
Despise oak? How do you feel about bourbon?
I try not to drink it. Unless I’m desperate.
. . .
OK, fine, I’m desperate more often than I’m comfortable with.
Look, anyone advocating for drinking wine shouldn’t be throwing sissy ass corks at my beer fridge in my shower
Grow a pair and drink manly shit. Let your wife drink the wine if you must.
A bottle of Mondeuse for this manly man.
You don’t need vitamins or minerals as an excuse. Just do it, and damn society’s disapproval!
Obviously you have missed all my comments on the Trailer Park Mimosa that I start most weekend days with. For the real trailer park experience you have to go with Franzia Crisp White or lower grade. I have recently downgraded to Vella Delicious White and for 13 clams for 5 litres you can’t go wrong. Add in some boxed mango juice and a bit of soda water and you have breakfast.
The only way I’m seeing thirteen bucks Canadian for five litres is if I’m smuggling the stuff back to the Lower Mainland. I’m sure our Glorious Socialist Government here in British Columbia can figure out a way to raise the price by at least 200%. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was 300%. Or more.
Fuckers!
I vote White Zinfandel as the test wine.
You are a goddamn monster.
Remember in the mid to late 80’s, Volvos, Mercedes, etc. had little “windshield wipers” on the headlights?
I member .
I had a Prelude with pop-up lights. Way cooler.
Fox News is reporting a Sheila Jackson Lee staffer has been arrested for a slew of crimes in connection with the doxxing of Senators.
See the previous post for the links.
Resist LARPing is fun until reality comes crashing in.
I hope they burn his/her career and life to the ground. Fuckers.
“You fucked up, you trusted [her].”
Former staffer. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, it’s important we all be clear about Sheila Jackson Lee’s non-involvement in this heinous act. We wouldn’t want anything happening to the good Sheila Jackson Lee. We need to be respectful of the good congresswoman in what I’m sure is a very difficult time for her.
But their is still no excuse for her hairdresser.
um there
Seems legit (really).
?
It’s over. Expect a pivot to general anti-Trump stuff as the next Pussyhat March approaches.
Flake should be the victim of an innertubez “send Jeffie a pussy hat” campaign.
Jeffie needs a visit from STEVE SMITH. And by visit, I mean…
As Halloween is approaching, I’m finding ” Our culture is not your costume” posters throughout campus. I’ll have to take a closer look next time and see what club or group made the posters.
GO AS A PUDDLE OF HIPPIE MAIDENHEAD!!!
Hippie is still a culture we can make fun of. Don’t forget the flies.
Dress up as Hitler and tell them that it’s your culture as a hetero-white-male shitlord.
Why would you deny him the easy, zaftig Hillel girls?
4 hours of begging.
If they have daddy issues (HAH! IF!), what easier way to pull them?
12 years ago I went to a huge private Halloween party hosted by prog friends dressed as Hitler; black electrical tape makes a fine Hitler moustache.
Many sodomy jokes ensued and appropriately someone else at the party fed me beer out of a big glass “Das Boot.”
I sometimes wonder if one could pull off a crass Hitler likeness these days with such low consequences given the pervasiveness of smartphones these days.
You can only pull that off in a peer reviewed academic journal these days.
I am willing to bet it is not from the local chapter of “The Sons of Norway”.
The poster has a black woman with her arms crossed and scolding while in the background, there is someone in blackface and a guy who looks like Remy in a police costume waving his finger at them.
Your campus is a hotbed of blackface? What century is it there?!
”Our culture is not your costume”.
Why not? These people don’t wear hanfu, dashikis, or just walking around butt naked, 24/7 like their ancestors did, so why should anyone listen to them?
Anyone who isn’t Cro-Magnon shouldn’t be allowed to wear clothes.
Only because Whitey made them wear clothes, eat with utensils, and bath.
Welp, I was gonna go as Frankenstein for Halloween but I’m not green or German, oh well time to scrap that idea.
You mean Frankenstein’s Monster, don’t you?
✊
Whoops, you’re right. That adds in another problem considering I’m not undead. Boy this is becoming really problematic.
Go on, get out of my house!
That’s Garth Marenghi!
+1 “I don’t think ‘Och’ means anything”
Go as an angry black woman who scolds people for their choice of costume.
https://archive.is/RcmZV/d2c837a47b6d748a0821fa63d8427723ccd3e343
https://archive.is/RcmZV/16b6e00b7b9700d8eb94746d79a2741352727c1b
https://archive.is/RcmZV/dab895ace5fc98e9e861b172eb784abedfdffa48
http://www.girlswelustfor.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/tumblr_my6m6fXYJF1romx5eo1_5002.jpg
https://archive.is/RcmZV/0c1577deed8ad561f7ea6cd7175be932623e74ec
https://archive.is/RcmZV/c7e7a3936cd8b3d1b3d7f9a6c4685ab42ccb8d9a
https://archive.is/RcmZV/27710fd315287ef4bec4a1dbaaea13533250f04d
https://s.smutty.com/media_smutty_2/v/e/r/y/m/veryhornybeast-hdfof-e18e6b.jpg
NSFW.
http://p.im9.eu/nsfw-flbp.jpg
NSFW.
Actually NSFH, too, my wife just got home.
I’ll be in my bunk
Ah fuk that reply was meant for Chica #3
…and he will be fined $1.
https://dailycaller.com/2018/10/03/capitol-police-arrest-ex-democratic-staffer-suspected-of-doxxing-senators/
My favorite part:
From this genius’ LinkedIn page:
Graduate Student == Thinks he knows the ocean, actually knows a 1″ diameter cylinder all the way from the surface to the bottom.
Looked at Subarus for the wife a few months ago. Ended up buying an Infiniti QX30 for less than the equivalent Outback.
Subarus seems to be getting bigger and more expensive.
late to the game, but here is a great tweak to a Subaru ad
http://www.break.com/video/subaru-commercial-edit-parody-2745357
She grew up to be Sandra Fluke?
What?
More shit stirring. https://japantoday.com/category/politics/Osaka-cuts-sister-city-ties-with-San-Francisco-over-'comfort-women'-statue.
Interesting comment:
Hiro
Today 06:57 am JST
What absurd is if we didn’t cut ties with them. What kind of friend would build a statue in front you that proclaim loudly to the world what kind of crimes your people committed 7 decades ago. Yes,it was awful back then and we had been paying it forever since then,but doesn’t mean our generation has to be reminded day by rubbing that statue into our faces.
How would it feel if we build statues of US dropping bomb on us in every nations and happily proclaim it was for friendship and peace? San Fransisco is just trying to get closer to Korea and China and flattering them. Guess our six-decade meant nothing to them.
Woah, wtf! Every other link opens a new tab. Your link hijacks my Glibs tab!
That’s pretty sneaky…
Works for me. *Shrugs*
I’m just curious. Every other link, including all of Q’s shady links, open a new tab.
#metoo
One of the things I tip my hat to the overlords for is the default _blank when creating links. I HATE links to different sites that open in the same tab.
+1000
_blank is the default for external links on the app I maintain.
So what’s missing here? I’m genuinely curious. AFAICT it’s just another link.
Maybe because it’s a straight link instead of using the <a> tag…? But lots of people do that without this issue so I’m not sure…
It doesn’t happen when I use hypertext. Also, that site always does something weird when I link to them.
It’s the single-quotes in the URL; WordPress isn’t really just adding a _blank target, it’s using javascript onclick event (why, I dunno).
The key bit:
onclick=”javascript:window.open(‘https://japantoday.com/category/politics/Osaka-cuts-sister-city-ties-with-San-Francisco-over-‘comfort-women’-statue’); return false;”
(No idea if that will get formatted right)
The URL argument to ‘open’ is using single-quotes and it’s not escaping the single-quotes in the URL, so it gets confused.
Thx. Either way is fine for me. You guys have a preference?
Open in new window/tab is the One True Way.
(WordPress should encode the single-quote as %27, not sure why it didn’t. “Because PHP”, I assume).
That is to say, specify the URL as:
https://japantoday.com/category/politics/Osaka-cuts-sister-city-ties-with-San-Francisco-over-%27comfort-women%27-statue
and it’ll be fine.
Mostly just happy with the mystery solved. Straffin, you’re awesome. Good morning.
Install Monocle ?
Never mind, I don’t know if Monocle would solve it…
Test
Nope
If any other web nerds care, that’s clearly a bug, as ‘ in URLs are valid, per the RFC:
You’d think as long as WP has been around that would have surfaced already.
You’d think, but it’s an edge-case, I think – up until now, I had no idea that unencoded single-quotes were valid in a URL.
Ah, nice catch.
Well, one of those things was a war action and one of those things was a war crime, so …
To be fair, San Fran once proudly flew the Confederate Flag in front of city hall. Diane Feinstein tried to prosecute the bastards who took it down.
I think Osaka can be forgiven for thinking that a city that can roll with slave holders would be cool with a little forced prostitution.
How would it feel if we build statues of US dropping bomb on us in every nations…
Most nations would say you deserved it.
His example was terrible, but notice how the US treats Iran, Iraq, Syria etc. They point out America’s destructive foreign policy and get demonized for it.
Yeah, he could have made a much better point – that one was really poorly chosen.
It was a long time ago and it never happened.
I can see why they might be pissed considering it was put up last year. We have been allies for 70 years.
True. I think they’re pissed about the blatant political point scoring and the selective way some victims deserve statues and others deserve squat.
They did mention that the Japanese have begun memory holeing that it happened at all.
We all memory hole our sins. America, thanks 1A!, at least has some vocal people pointing out our sins. We still aren’t great on many things, though. How much sympathy is there for slaves, uh, I mean conscripts that died in our wars?
I thought that was used to great effect in Fatherland – the central mystery of the novel was something we’re all well aware of but had been memory-holed in the novel.
Do we need any better example than Fuckhead Arizona senator’s funeral?
They should just put up a statue of American Nisei being put into internment camps.
Yes, that would’ve been a much better argument.
That would be epic.
Yeah, that’s exactly what it is. ?
On the one hand, the Japanese do seem to gloss over the atrocious parts of their Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere.
On the other hand, I haven’t seen anything good come of more than 1 generation’s worth of collective shame and cultural guilt. Accept that the evil happened, vow never to repeat it, and then move on.
Perhaps also put up a statue commemorating the Rape of Nanking while they’re at it. That would also make China like SF better and further anger Japan.
All these memorials are just new sites for SF’s noble homeless to drop trou and defecate under regardless of their intent anyway.
I guess my question is “What does San Francisco have to do with it?”
Other than it being controlled by a bunch of virtue-signaling assholes.
But by the same token, Germany doesn’t complain about the myriad number of Holocaust Memorials across the US.
I’m rereading As Good As It Gets. Totally forgot the plot. Dude got totally sperm jacked.
Nice brain fart. Alls Well That Ends Well.
Ah, ignore my post below.
Though I’m not sure you could get two works of art (using that term loosely, in one case) that were further apart.
That was a book!? I thought it was a crap movie. Or are you talking about this? I are confused.
No, I’m a bit hungover. Shakespeare’s All’s Well That Ends Well.
Wait, what?
Okay, I was going to say, even as a pre-teen, I think I’d have remembered that.
But having read the novel as a teenager, I don’t remember any sperm jacking.
He gets tricked into humping a chick he doesn’t like so she gets knocked up by him. Rape by today’s standards.
No, the woman wanted it, the man didn’t, therefore not rape. Get your shit together!
I think of a man, then I take away reason and accountability.
Ah, you make me want to be a better man.
*Ron Paul it’s happening gif*
https://twitter.com/senatemajldr/status/1047668600994254853
Take the win. You think the left wouldn’t?
‘Cloture’, that sounds dirty. Those perverted white men are going to perform cloture on Christina Ford? Disgusting! A bunch of sex addicts!
OH MY GOD! NOT A VOTE!!!
THIS IS DESTROYING OUR DEMOCRACY!!!!
The only good to come of it will be that this goddamn travesty is over.
I twill never be over. The Democrats will campaign on this shit for decades much like the way they handle the presence of Clarence Thomas on the court.
Red Sox v. Yankees it is, then. Could it be otherwise?
My boys were sharp tonight, and will have Sawx-killer JA Happ on the mound for Game 1
The real horror is getting stuck behind two slow ass Subaru drivers blocking both lanes.
Obviously they are admiring each other. By that I mean they are lesbians hooking up.
Sam Raimi approves
Lift Tacoma is sweet. Around 3 inch is ideal, past that you start needing to think about drive line angles.
Old man emu still makes good stuff.
Ill have to post a picture of my old/new Impreza now.
https://flic.kr/p/2bCx7Nu
My Subaru horror theater involved a new to us 82 Brat and a semi truck. Didn’t die.