“Why did you have sleeping bags in the back if we were just going to the mall to buy you some new pants?” Diane asked.
“We had talked about going camping,” Jack said, wrestling the tent out of its carry bag, aluminum stakes clattering to the ground.
“And a tent?”
“Of course,” he said, stooping to gather the stakes. “What good are sleeping bags without a tent?”
“OK,” she said. She began to kick stick and small stones away from the flat spot in woods he had indicated, slowly and with a pout.
“It’ll be fun, sweetheart,” Jack said. “A real adventure.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that.” Diane hugged herself, pressing the flannel and fleece against her small, tender breasts.
“I don’t have my medicine,” she said in a low voice.
“You can miss one night, right?”
“It’s not good to skip a dose.”
“But one night?”
“Yeah, I guess not.”
*****
Diane helped Jack set up the tent and unroll the sleeping bags. They walked in the woods together, the air crisp and clean, the first bite of fall in the air. They gathered stones and wood for a fire and ate Clif Bars Jack had thrown in the car with the camping equipment. They sat on a fallen tree in front of the fire and held hands.
“You’re crushing my fingers,” he said.
“Sorry,” Diane replied. “I just never spent much time in the woods when I was… when I was younger.”
“Your hands are so strong,” he said, teasing.
“Don’t.”
“I just said you are strong.”
“Just don’t.”
Her eyes began to brim with tears. He kissed her lips and salty eyes and cheeks until she started to laugh. He hugged her tight and said into the hollow of her neck, “Let’s get in the tent.” He felt her nod. They took off their clothes in the last light of the dying fire, shivering with pleasure from the cool night air and clambered into the tent and their sleeping bags; they had zipped them into a double-wide and huddled together until warm, their bodies entwined.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too,” Diane said. “I love you so much.”
He slid his hand down to her small breasts and cupped one.
“Just be careful,” she said. “They are still tender.”
“They are perfect. Perfect,” he said.
He slid his hand further and stroked her limp penis.
“The hormones,” she said. “It just… it won’t.”
“It doesn’t matter,”
“It’ll be better after the surgery. I’ll get healed up and I’ll be, you know, a real girl.”
“You are a real girl,” he said, caressing her scrotum.
“If I were a real girl…” she said, sadness in her voice. She held his limp penis in her hand and began to sob.
“Oh, Honey,” he said. “Sweetheart.”
“No, I’ll be OK. I just shouldn’t have skipped my medicine.”
“We can go back,” Jack offered.
“No, I’ll just take it in the morning. I’ll be fine.” She pulled him to her and buried her head in his chest. “Just hold me.”
He held her until they both drifted off.
*****
The first crack of a fallen limb didn’t wake Diane, nor did the second.
“Jack,” she whispered. She pushed against his chest to wake him. “Jack!” she whispered louder. He mumbled indistinctly and rolled over. “Jack,” she said again, slapping at his back.
“What’s the matter, baby?” he said absently.
“I think there’s someone outside.”
He propped himself up on one elbow and rubbed his face. “Probably just a raccoon.”
“I don’t think it’s a raccoon.” She sat up and groped around the tent for her sweater and pulled it on.
“Listen,” she said, resting a hand on his shoulder.
For a few moments, there were just the too-loud sounds of their breathing and the wind in the trees. Diane thought she could hear her own beating heart.
“Sweetie…” Jack began, but he was cut off by a rustling outside and the snapping of twigs.
“See?” Diane hissed. “I told you.”
“It’s probably just an animal,” Jack said, finding his own clothes and trying to dress in the dark tent.
“What if it’s a bear?!?”
“It’s not a bear.”
“But what if it is?” She grunted while trying to jam her left shoe on her right foot.
“It’s not a bear,” he whispered loudly.
A fallen limb cracked right near the tent, like a gunshot tearing open the night. They froze, atavistic instincts taking over. All the other small animals of the night fell silent.
“Jack,” Diane said, little more than a frightened sigh.
They could hear it breathing outside the tent. Huge breaths. Ragged. A wave of horripilation ran up both of Diane’s arms as there came a low growl. She answered the thin screech of claws testing the nylon of the tent with a hoarse scream. Jack poked her in the eye as he tried to cover her mouth and she yelped in pain before he could quiet her.
“LADYBOY,” a guttural voice said, the word barely discernible.
“Steve?” Jack said, surprised. “Steve is that you?”
The breathing outside intensified, like the chuffing of a steam engine.
Jack cried out when Diane bit his fingers.
“Who the fuck is ‘Steve?!?’” she managed, before the tent and then a massive body landed on them both.
AND BY CAMPING MEAN……
Now hit that funky mother-fkin’ Theme Music!
““You are a real girl,” he said, caressing her scrotum.”
Someone give this author an award!
Some things can still surprise a geezer. I was afraid to keep on reading but I was mesmerized and couldn’t stop…
Are you feeling like that was a good decision?
I’m not.
I wanted to stop, I tried, honest, but something, something kept me going, like staying out past the family curfew.. I knew it wouldn’t end well for me but still…
Some of us have to learn the hard way about SugarFree adventures. Never again, unless, unless…
Oh shit, you’re addicted!!
*calls the Pope for an exorcism*
Loved the story, but I thought that’s where it was going at about the hand crushing part.
That’s exactly where I stopped.
I struggled not to burst out loud in laughter in the office. 10/10 writing.
Bravo!
Rapesquatch or emotional support squirrel?
The only explanation owed to these nuts is “We reserve the right…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9mKfI9qrgQ
That’s funny that the squirrel can’t figure it out.
Really, right? I mean everyone knows that squirrels need emotional support, they don’t give it.
If you’re listening to this while you read it, 100X better.
Two SF in one day qualifies as a hatecrime
Well, I guess a sasquatch might not be able to tell the difference between white people and asians. But I don’t know what Jack’s problem was.
He’s on Harvard’s admittance board.
Outback Mountain?
^^^ WINNER
Jack and Diane? Really? I didn’t realize Steve Smith’s home territory was Indiana.
Well, the story didnt have to relate that they were camping outside the Tastee-Freeze.
I imagined Jack Dorsey and Diane Feinstein.
aaaaand the guy out SFing SF is straffin expat in the land of peeingschoolgirl tentaclove
You are a sick man. Seek help.
I would projectile vomit at this, but I realize it’s the Turning Japanese Syndrome causing this.
I really think so.
For Sugar Free: https://smile.amazon.com/Killed-Whim-Hat-Juree-Novel-ebook/dp/B01LZP27WR/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539218049&sr=8-1&keywords=killed+at+the+whim+of+a+hat
Looks funny. Is it?
It popped up in my recommendations. I just liked the title.
I bought it. If it sucks, it’s on you 😉
Since Christmas is coming up…
Interesting. Her butt is checking you out while you check out her butt.
Her left eye is lookin @ me, but her right eye is lookin for me….
How many licks before she bites the lollipop.
One…
a two-hoo!
a three
If her butt wants to stare at my crotch…I’m all in.
For you or Jugsy?
Pure genuis !
So other than apparently having positive feelings toward the marijuana, what’d he do?
From what I could glean, it started when he violated a protection order.
Then he just didnt want to behave.
Pet Semetary remake.
I’m waiting for Birth of a Nation 2020. Replace the Klan with Antifa and instead of resisting carpetbaggers the ‘heroes’ will resist Trump. I started typing this as a joke, but the more I think about it the more parallels there are.
Nope, nope, nope. When the semi goes blasting by the house I turned it off. I hated the scene when the kid gets splattered in the original and I don’t want to see it remade even in the trailer.
Tbh, I never saw the original. But I did see the South Park spoof.
The dad & son look a lot like the original actors.
Take #2
Since Christmas is coming up…
A kid taking that to school would probably result in several felonies.
It’s not even Halloween yet.
First couple times I saw that commercial, I thought it was a dad and daughter. Kind of made it awkward…
#metoo
Reading this story was like watching the Titanic sink. You know it’s going to head south but aren’t quite sure when. Great work SF! And by great, mean…
I like to think she’s contemplating suicide thinking of spending time with that guy in either scenario.
What’s so wrong with him?
He pretends he’s a woman, for one.
Wait…which one does tulip object to? I’m so confused.
No, it’s that he can’t get it up for some unknown reason.
The hormones?
I meant Jack.
I’m guessing from those kakis they both have low T.
Wait, which one is Count referring to?
“She held his limp penis in her hand and began to sob.”
STOP READING MY DIARY!
Look at her face! If she’s not contemplating suicide, she’s contemplating killing him and buying a Jaguar.
Sit back, relax, and take a load off .
Why am I not surprised that the editor of that magazine looks like a guy who is really into port-a-potties?
Weird materials that exist:
https://youtu.be/Mo1lDsESD90
In an earlier, less paranoid time, someone who shall remain nameless, may have let some of the better Chemistry students play with NI3
Holy moly, did you hate your students?
I was a student in the story above lol. My high school chem teacher was a retired chemist who had worked his whole career at Oak Ridge. It wasn’t much NI3 but it is an impressive substance.
My senior year some genius decided to prank the school by stealing a liter jar of buteric acid from the chem lab and dumping it in the hall. This may sound funny, but kids do NOT do this. The smell does not go away. Fully 6 weeks later after all sorts of attempts to neutralize it it still smelled worse than you can imagine.
To be really really clear here. I was not involved in this. I am sometimes stupid, but not at that level.
You used to be able to buy small vials of buteric acid at joke stores. Rolling one onto a crowded dance floor on a Friday night made, or so I’ve heard, for much entertainment.
NI(3) was every grad school chemist’s favorite prank.
Step 1: Apply wet
Step 2: Wait for it to dry
Step 3: Giggle when unsuspecting mark opens a door, pulls a drawer, or picks up a phone
Same teacher also liked to play with elemental sodium. I wonder if chem labs even have such things anymore.
What fucking sadist manufactures headphones and thinks, You know, two feet of cord is more than enough.
Somebody who plugs into a portable device or mixing console? Although 2ft is a bit short. 1.2m is the standard length.
Maybe I can’t tell length too good. I always judge in approximate penis length, and this cord is barely three.
penis length?
What are you some metric loving homo? God fearing Americans know you measure it by how many wraps around your johnson you can make.
Double-dose Wednesday. I am strong because I endure.
I’m ready to go home and have my after work whiskey. Only 2 more hours.
Work whiskey is…. Diprivan?
Florida Man is Micheal Jackson?
It’s been done, just not by me. The shift I work now became vacant for that reason.
2 in one day? I didn’t think SugarFree could rise to the occasion.
“He slid his hand further and stroked her limp penis.”
Whiskey through the nose can be quite painful.
Not quite the surprise than when mom sprung The Crying Game on me and my sister as early teenagers, but close.
That’s gonna run up a lot of therapy bills later on…
My mom kept trying to get me to watch that movie when I was a little kid (as in 7 or 8). I never had any interest at all in watching it, and I still don’t.
#metoo (the no interest part, not the weird mom part)
I seem to remember thinking, “How the hell didn’t he know??” followed quickly by “How didn’t *I* know?!”
The ladyboy was played by the same actor as Ra in Star Gate. I never saw the Crying Game, but that was one effeminate boy.
He/She was totally believable as a woman right up until the big reveal.
7-8? Dafuq?
And it appears the STEVE SMITH swings both ways.
He swings all ways.
All 182 genders?!? That man, err, ape, err, apeman gets around!
Given the number of factors now in use in defining genders I think 182 is a low number. Add in varieties of kin identity, various flavors/degrees of asexuality (most of which simply sound like “not aroused by every single person on earth”), homo/hetero attraction and would think you could get in the 10s of thousands easily.
Finally, a practical use for the factorial function.
HM master high level discussions in philosophy, philology, and booty video. Poster of random oddities. Truly a man for all seasons because more is better.
He’s been here all along.
My local szechuan place has that same chart.
Racist. Back in the early 80s, there was a local story in the ghetto town I worked in about the cat carcasses found in the dumpster behind a Mexican restaurant.
If they were in the dumpster…. innocent of all charges.
That’s pretty much how it went.
I am glad I can always learn something new every day here.
Dear Prudence – HELP! This is nothing like the sitcoms on TV!
He left you, but he didn’t leave the years of support you obligated him to for something he never wanted.
Nice going.
Dude got browbeat into having kids he didn’t want? Nah, fuck you, bro. Somebody has to take responsibility. Be a dad or be a big wet vagina.
I think it’s rather strange that the children actually hate her.
Besides, the role of the father is to be unattentative and to occasionally beat their child when they do things like make messes or talk.
I don’t think it’s strange. She sounds like a control freak.
Reading between the lines, I think he might be. This reads like a very clingy woman who misinterprets more or less average fatherly behaviour as aloofness and irritation. “Don’t kill each other, don’t burn the house down, and don’t make me come up there.” It reads like she still treats the children like infants and it drives them nuts.
Long ago, I heard Dr. Laura say, “The person who does not want the children wins.”
I went with the nuclear option before getting married. Don’t want kids? Be a man and stand by that decision.
+2 snips
Boom.
Tell that to Child Support Enforcement.
Fuck. Put this on Swissy’s post, because I’m an idiot. Replace it here:
Well, Yankees lost. The fact that they lost to the Red Sox is gravy to me, but the important point is they lost. Ha ha ha.
Also, I suck at making football picks, but you guys already knew that. If anyone wants to take over, let me know.
Eh dammit, I got the hiccups. If anyone wants to shoot me in the face, I’m up for that.
RDA?
Of lead?
Yeah, I wasn’t looking for anything romantic, and hiccups are terrible.
Pretty much. But goddamn, hiccups are a death sentence-type affliction.
Sorry, I don’t swing that way.
Dring Avwery Amicitia (Cabernet Sauvigon barrel-aged Sour). A fine beer it is.
Interesting. I like sour beers.
A sour red aged in a Cab Sauv barrel. Tart and crisp with not much sweet.
The lovely young lady at the checkout out counter scanned a couple of bottles and said “oh my”. I said I know what they are — don’t worry. Then she said she thought she had made a mistake — cause $12.99 a bottle. I said yup, I know what they cost.
I hear making a good sour is devilishly tricky, hence the price.
I went into a new shop today looking for bottles for BIF. While I was perusing the wares, I noticed a hard-to-get sour on the shelf. And then another. And then another. And then another.
It was a miracle that I only spent 300 bucks tonight.
I can’t go back to that shop anytime soon.
There is a liquor store here like that. So many limited releases, so few dollars.
I went the opposite direction. New Holland Bourbon Barrel aged Milk Stout. Way too drinkable.
I just kegged a 2 1/2 year old chocolate porter braggot (11% ABV).
I don’t care much for whiskey-barrel aging. I’ll just drink whiskey if that’s what I want.
However, that doesn’t prohibit me from enjoying the hell out of Cascade Brewing’s Sang Noir which is aged in a combination of bourbon and wine barrels.
In this beer, the milk outweighed the barrel. Great combo. I agree for the most part on using whiskey barrels to age beer. It requires the beer be substantial enough to stand up to the strong flavors of the barrel.
I have some whiskey barrel finished coffees that were a present. Completely agree. If I want whiskey flavor, I’ll drink whiskey.
OT: (t)Reason strikes again.
Immigration hardliners would have us believe that letting undocumented immigrants into the country leads to more crime.
Democrats “want to have illegal immigrants pouring into our country, bringing with them crime, tremendous amounts of crime,” President Donald Trump said in January. That claim was nothing new. Announcing his candidacy in June 2015, he infamously asserted that Mexican immigrants are “bringing drugs” and “crime” into the nation.
But there’s little evidence to suggest that undocumented immigrants are more prone to crime. In fact, according to a report released Tuesday by the Transactional Records Access Clearinghouse (TRAC) at Syracuse University, the majority of individuals detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) have never been convicted of a crime. And even the ones who have are mostly low-level offenders.
The author, of course, misses the point that the US is a sovereign country that has (relatively lax, but probably improvable) laws about how to enter and how citizenship can be achieved, and that one may break the law in how one enters the country, necessarily making one a criminal by definition. Thus the issue is obfuscated and you get to call your ‘rule-of-law’ and ‘national-sovereignty’ believing acquaintances racist, immigrant-hating bigots.
Yes, by the way they got here they committed a crime. By the way they stay here they commit crimes. But crime doesn’t increase? (I’m not for open borders, but as close as possible while still having very basic control over the flow of people. Simple stuff, should be like a background check for a job) It’s well and fine to argue that there is too much control over entry, but to deny the reality weakens the argument. If you’re against a law you don’t deny it exists, you try ask questions why it exists. This has been the effective route for marijuana legalization, not to deny pot smokers are breaking the law, but ask why it’s illegal to smoke pot.
The idea is malum prohibitum vs. malum in se.
I learned about that watching the True grit remake.
Also I think bad laws can be morally broken, but it is important to recognize their existence so they can be repealed.
That’s assuming a law is something that can exist, in and of its self, merely through statute. Some would argue law is merely the codification of those human norms that are in accordance with reason and the laws of the universe, as such a law that goes against those norms would not be a law at all.
Of course, as a libertarian, I would argue that those laws which are in harmony with natural law would be those that address malum in se offenses. I mean, one doesn’t need a legislature to know that murder should be illegal. One can arrive at that through the exercise of one’s reason.
You’re way above my pay grade here, philosophically. I do believe laws should be recognition of established norms and widely accepted or they are not moral.
Like how slavery was the norm for most of the existence of civilization? Or how Jew hating has been the norm for 500 years in the middle east. Those kind of norms?
You got it.
Whether or not you have a good argument, the king’s men with guns that kill people and dogs on a whim believe they exist; so just be careful.
Yes, I’m not advocating the “I’m a sovereign citizen” thing if stopped by the cops.
It’s tough when morality and reality are out of sync. Do you sacrifice your conscience or your body?
Both sides are blurring distinctions between the moral and the legal in this discussion. The closed borders crowd say truthfully: “all illegal aliens are criminals by definition” deliberately glossing over the leap from criminal meaning law breaker, which is tautological to the connotation of criminal meaning evil doer, which can only be established by showing that the particular conduct is evil. The open borders crowd start from the major premise that there is nothing immoral about entering the country and the minor premise that an unjust law has no force, and steal then the base of therefore breaking the laws regulating entry is in no wise immoral. This argument assumes a hidden premise that any law prohibiting conduct that is not in and of itself immoral is unjust (this hidden premise is no stranger to any libertarian, I freely admit I fall into this trap sometimes myself, but unless you are willing to accept the consequences ie. no formal procedural rules with force of law, it is a stolen base).
Of course I’m arguing as an AnCap that peacefully crossing over an imaginary line agreed upon by two entities (“states”) who illegitimately claim ownership of said land is not an act that is evil in and of itself. And I am most willing to bite the bullet in accepting the consequences in no promulgation and enforcement of malum prohibitum laws. Though, a particular community could establish a simulacrum through contracts and covenants that are freely entered into and enforced by a 3rd party, perhaps a contracted private security company.
The problem I have with the Ancap position is that you will run into situations where you have to have agreed procedures in order to enforce the truly moral laws. As you say “one doesn’t need a legislature to know that murder should be illegal,” but when it comes to establishing the fact of murder and the guilt of the murderer you have to have procedures, and I think the ‘self evident’ nature of laws breaks down at that level. Who is the trier of fact? How are they selected? What mandates should we have about sharing evidence before trial? What rules of evidence do we use? Absent becoming Gods I don’t think people will find these things self evident, and I would argue that they must, in at least some ways, have the force of law and be universally applied. In other words one thing I do find self evident is that the rules of trials must be consistently applied, even if there are alternative rules that would work just as well.
We need a benevolent panopticon so there can be only one truth.
Shouldn’t one care about the number of crimes not the rate of crime? If there were 100 crimes before the illegals came to town and 101 afterwards then crime has gone up even if the rate of crime per capita may have gone down. Or are we saying illegal criminals are putting citizen criminals out of business?
You could use that statistic to call for population control. The more people born, the more absolute number of crimes committed.
An election ad here trying to play on the ‘opioid crisis’ says the something like ‘the US uses 80% of the the worlds opioids while we’re only 6% of the worlds population’ like that makes it an instantly bad thing. I’m sure the US is also home to disproportionate number of the worlds working toilets, clean drinking water, antibiotics….
We also have a lot of medical tourism.
Why? Every other civilized country has socialized medicine? Don’t they know that?
It sounds like they’re advocating an opioid redistribution policy.
Also, they must hate wymen, because I just looked it up and the internet tells me opioids are used in epidurals.
Yes, but it isn’t absolutely necessary. Using an opioid and local anesthetic together reduces the amount of medication need because they are synergistic, but you can use straight ropivicaine.
Well, you can also give them a swig of whiskey and piece of leather to bite. Wymen hater!
Drat! Outed again.
Defense of The Matrix sequels. He makes some good points.
Is it “Browbeating the sequel trilogy into a fine paste didn’t keep Disney from buying the Star Wars franchise, so the only plausible way to keep even worse Matrix films from being optioned is to pretend we like it and hope it’s laid to rest for all eternity”?
He’s wrong right off the bat, the audience is people who love schlock action and read some philosophy once and think they are the smartest most clever person ever for it.
Like wow man, maybe nothing exists except me. Or wow, what if even I don’t exist. and then when you smack the crap out of them with a brick while shouting “deny this, Bitch”! they get all “Empiricist Shitlord!” on you.
Oh, now he’s admitting that he thinks the folks at Wisecrack are a good source for philosophy….what the hell amigo, did you sit through this whole thing? I don’t think I can…I’ll try…
I hated the sequels so much that I ignored the “moral duty” vs “love” angle the architect pushed Neo to accept. Nope. Both were behind the same door.
Deconstructing movies is always hacky shit, but I liked some of this one.
I wasn’t overly impressed by the first movie, friends dragged me to the second and that damn rave scene went on so long I fell asleep, woke up and fell asleep again before it ended. Even if the philosophy were good (which I don’t think it was, but I only watched 2 and 3 once each so I may have missed something) the movies had shit structuring, shit pacing, shit acting, shit directing and subpar (not shit) CGI for the time. But I did see one bright spot, the same singular bright spot I saw in Avatar; they made CG mechs! gives me hope for an Exosquad movie some day.
“Exosquad”
Gundam*or GTFO
*an actual Starship Troopers movie is a given, because, fuck Verhoeven
Gundam suits look like generic 80s Japanese robots. Not impressive. And what is the Gundam story? Exosquad is a retelling of WW2 through a Sci-fi Civil War lens. The slaves we create become the monsters we fear. Great story hook.
Syd MF’n Mead would like to have a word with you…
The story should appeal to us freedom types, because pretty much every iteration is about Earth government trying to control colonies that don’t want to put up with Earth’s shit.
Of course, I’m game for any outstanding CGI mech movie, so no actual hate for Exosquad, per se.
/Generic? Really? Maybe “too copied”…
There were sequels?!?
Shhh. Don’t listen to him. There was only one matrix movie.
Ah thank you! I feel better already. These cookies are quite good.
Sequels? The original Matrix sucked too.
I think I’ve said this here before, but my theory is that the Matrix was popular only because it hit right as DVD players were rolling out and it was the first movie that really made you realize how cool a DVD was compared to a VHS tape. You could pause it instantly. I think it also had that feature where you could rotate the view some.
If life was fair, Keanu Reeves would have died right after Bill & Ted’s Excellent adventure and lived on in legend ala James Dean.
I like John wick.
I like John wick.
I too like John Wick, both of them.
I was pleasantly surprised with the sequel
I just hope the third one will be as fun and enjoyable as the last two.
You killed my hamster! *goes on mass killing spree*
I would have liked John Wick more had I not spend most of my life as a devotee of Hong Kong action films. When you’ve seen Chow Yun Fat and John Woo at their prime, John Wick just feels derivative.
Everything is derivative, even this comment. Did you ever watch crippled avengers?
The original was tightly written. It’s watchable and rewatchable.
We’re outnumbered, CS. I loved it. Not up to Descartes level, but better than most movies that touch on philosophy.
I was fourteen, of course I loved it. And I’ve loved it ever since. I can’t imagine many more dumb action schlock movies that grab me like that, and it’s not just nostalgia. It’s a superbly put together piece of cinema.
Uffda. For a minute I was agreeing with you guys because I thought you were talking about Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. (After all it has Socrates as a major character)
Then I realized you were talking about the Matrix and I rolled my eyes so hard, I think I pulled a muscle.
BnT was excellent. The last two sci-fi movies I’ve seen are Titan (some CG thing) and John Cusak’s latest. Both were utter garbage.
I’m sort of teasing. I didn’t hate the Matrix when it came out.
Whatever you call that goofy stopping/spinning around the combatants in it was new. I just got tired of hearing how great it all was.
The last movie I saw was Crazy Rich Asians. It was OK, but nothing special.
My main problem with any movie now is that I am so spoiled by streaming that I find it almost intolerable to try to sit through anything for 2 hours uninterrupted. I’m much happier when I wait for it to show up on demand and watch it at my leisure.
*And there is always some jerk like UCS who thinks he is the shhhhhheriff and is in charge of stopping people from talking. Even if they are making witty comments like I do.
Talking in movies warrants SHUNNING! Pope Jimbo you are shunned! Get thee hence.
My wife asked me the other day, “You want to get that Netfrix?” I’m not sure I want it. I got other stuff I’m already behind on.
Jarflax, I spent the first 18 years of my life sitting quietly in movie theaters. Like you, I thought it was the height of bad manners to talk during a movie.
Then the Marines shipped me to Memphis and the scales fell from my eyes. I discovered how much more fun movies are when the audience participates. I forget what Steven Segal movie it was, but it might have been the very best movie I ever watched in a theater because there were a couple guys in the audience who were better than anything I’ve heard since.
Now I’ve moved back to Sunny Minnesoda and all you haters have ground me down again. Oh sure, when the kids were small I could go with them and talk during a movie and relive the glory days, but for the most part I’m like Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo’s Nest. Just a shadow of my former self.
Bah! People who do a constant rifftrax are right up there with those who constantly ask questions about the movie. Hey, how shutting your gobhole and watch the effing movie? If somehow they don’t answer your question, it’s probably a shitty movie. And we can discuss it after. After.
But then we wouldn’t have Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, which was obviously superior in just about every way.
The Matrix was popular because it had cool action sequences with both kung fu and gun battles. There really hadn’t been anything like it when it came out.
I’ll offer up another pick. Cube is the best description of the state by any movie ever made.
The first cube was fun, the other 2…
I love that movie.
And it didn’t need any sequels, either.
But, they never gleamed that cube.
What happens? Or is this one of those clever cliffhanger short stories?
I need more, damnit, more!
limp penises are rubbed, frustration rises, something coated in ichor rises from the void. Same old SF.
But he did throw in the STEVE SMITH rape squatch angle.
I wonder if oxygen concentrators can be used with charcoal grills to boost the temperature?
My daughter went to her high school Young Democrats dinner tonight. I have failed as a father.
Maybe she plans to break the machine from the inside? Delusion offers hope.
Does she agree with the DNC narrative or she just went for a night out?
Brett standing near the punch bowl put the high school girls off the YAL meetup.
I think she is first discovering her political leanings. She has a soft heart. My guess is she is buying their pablum. We’ll see if it lasts since does adjust based on results.
We would also have called you a failure if she went to a Young Republicans dinner.
When I got out of the Marines, I kicked around Fargo, ND for about 9 months working to make money to go back to college. During that time I went to a lot of College Republicans parties because a good friend was a big wig in one of them. I got laid so many times at those parties that it wasn’t even funny. I was the quintessential “bad boy” who wasn’t going to college and had been in the Marines. I don’t think I ever had as good a run as that period of time. I remember my buddy being semi-pissed off because I caused a mini-scandal by getting laid in the bathroom at a party for watching George H. W. Bush’s State of the Union speech.
This. Shame on both teams for preying on kids.
The same buddy who was a vip in the College Republicans also tried to start a Young Republicans club in our high school. He recruited me to help. It didn’t work because we couldn’t get a teacher to be the faculty sponsor of the club.
Fuck I was buddies with some strange people back in the day.
You went to school with Alex Keaton?
You mean Alex P. Keaton?
Yes, of course.
*hangs head in shame*
Very, very, very close. Maybe mix in a bit of Felix Unger there and you’d be very close.
The first time I remember meeting him was in Jr High. We were in the advanced math class together. At the beginning of the year, we would start the class by throwing his pencil out the window (yes we bullied him). By the end of the year, we were all somehow friends. The weasel somehow tricked us into thinking he was OK and we are all still good friends.
NERD! *continues drunkenly reading the history of the battle of Tours*
That’s ok, the winners probably were just as drunk when they fought it.
College Republicans were fun back when I went at FSU. I wasn’t a member, but my Ron Paul campaigning pal was and man, the beer and people were fun.
the beer and people were fun
omfg
omfg
omfg
Oh shit, guess I should avoid getting nominated to the SC too.
The people were very nice and fun. A bit on the reserved side, but that might have been because they were nice Lutheran kids who thought Fargo/Moorhead was quite the metropolis, and I had just gotten done carousing with Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children in armpits like Okinawa and Memphis.*
*I’m kidding Okinawa isn’t an armpit.
My brother would disagree with your footnote. Poor bastard spent 6 months there during a period when the Marines were confined to base due to a rape a year earlier. His other exotic adventures in the Corps included a stint in Haiti, and months on a ship in the Persian Gulf as Schwartzkopf’s bluff.
Our other brother went Navy and somehow spent 5 years on the USS Blue Ridge getting a tax payer funded cruise to every vacation spot in the S. Pacific. There may be a lesson there about the services.
Your brother must have been Infantry? I was swinging with the Marine Air Wing. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be in the infantry either.
My brother was infantry to the core, or as he sometimes put it a real Marine. 🙂
I remember going out to the field in Team Spirit 88 in South Korea. My unit ran the air traffic control gear so we went much earlier than the rest of the Marines and stayed later. Since we were pretty much fixed to the same spot for 3 months, we build ourselves quite the comfortable camp. We had one quonset hut that was supposed to be for repairs, but we had installed a bar, microwave, hot plate and a TV with vcr.
One of the guys had a brother in the artillery (still a step up from the infantry) who came to visit us. He was stunned at how well we were living. He said they played cards from after chow in the evening to determine who got to sleep that night in the front seat of the company pickup truck. Everyone else was living in a shitty tent.
We told him it wasn’t as easy as it looked. Someone had fucked up and forgotten to pack the remote for the vcr, so we had long arguments about who happened to be the lowest rank and thus had to manually work the buttons on the vcr.
We were admittedly not “real” Marines.
Small world. One of my squad leaders had some interesting stories from Team Spirit 88.
I dated one once but I was still in a fog of generic, default, and disinterested liberalism and I’m pretty sure I unfairly treated him like an alien once or twice.
Did he live in a log cabin?
Sadly, there were no log cabins in Buffalo that I was aware of. Because that would have been pretty darn cool.
I wouldn’t stress it. The Democrat Party platform naturally appeals to people who are young and have not yet experienced life as a taxpayer and breadwinner.
I bet if you took a survey of Glibertarians on political leanings before age 18, you’d find a ton of people who used to be hard Lefties. Hell, I used to be a literal card-carrying communist, and some other Glibs have confessed to that as well.
I was only half serious in my post. I was a flaming liberal through college. It was too long after graduation that I became a libertarian.
This is why I don’t understand why Democrats are so pissed about the income tax “reform” (don’t know what else to call it). The seed of economic conservatism grows large once you start itemizing deductions. The fewer people itemizing deductions (and the more people having a third party do their tax return for them), the more the blissfully ignorant will never question why they are being mulcted to such an extent.
Even the SALT limit is being exaggerated. A few people getting a tax increase will rightly see that their state is taxing the bejeezus out of them, but 80% of them will just see themselves writing a larger check to the Feds and blame Trump for it.
Calling My Teachers By Their First Name
…or in other words, “college”?
I never did that, even in college. I was usually too drunk/asleep to even converse with my professors.
The only prof I talked to was my Shakespeare prof. He was about a half foot taller than me and hid in his office to get away from the crazed feminists in the English dept. I visit him during office hours just to shoot the shit. He’d always make sure I closed the door tightly when I came by.
I was talkative with several profs in my way too long college career, but never called any of them by their first name, called HS teachers and profs by their last names without a Mr or Mrs sure, but never by first name. Then again, growing up my peers and I called eachother by last name quite a bit, so that was friendly in a way.
I wouldn’t dare talk with the other profs. One of them, the chair of the dept, gave me a ZERO, on a paper I had written. Fully footnoted and, to me at least, coherent and logical. I defended Tartuffe as the only moral character in the play. That prof absolutely hated me after that.
I’ve always been good at backing my opinions. I wrote a paper excoriating Kubrick for a prof who was a total fanboy (I had to write the paper because the DP I was forced to work with on the project over exposed all my footage and there was nothing salvageable from the negatives) and still not only got a decent grade but a little respect.
How many named Gunter Glieben Glauchen Globen?
Damnit, gilmored.
That’s the way it should be. There was one old lady prof (an ex nun) that gave me rave reviews for my papers. One paper was simply me adding Vonnegut’s tag question, “so it goes” to the end of paragraphs about war written by Hemingway. Kubrick always made me feel like I was a dummy for not seeing his genius. Or….
Kubrick had a genius, but it wasn’t in the way his films were paced or edited. And that was the angle I took. Looking at Kubrick’s ideas and the material he chose it should be right down my ally, but damn he needed an editor.
I got a couple bad grades in grad school because the person grading my papers was “going through a rough patch” I told the dean I didn’t give a fuck about her personal problems and somehow I’m the asshole.
I was confronted with the choice of either withdrawing from Advanced Torts in Law School, or being flunked because I took the professor literally when she said we could write our paper on the privacy/defamation actions in “any form you choose, be creative.” She apparently meant we could draft a complaint, write a term paper, or draft a memo. I wrote a short story with the various torts as characters, I should see if I can find it and submit it here.
If the points being made were clear, why would she not accept that?
That was my argument; it was met with a word salad that basically boiled down to “this is law school and it is super serious and you are mocking it, and even if we (the administration) might possibly agree that you should get graded, and actually did the assignment, the prof feels disrespected (she was a retired appellate judge), and we are letting you withdraw after the drop date as a compromise.”
Some people just don’t get Perry Mason or The Caveman Lawyer.
In all fairness I was mocking the seriousness. I was not disrespecting the professor, who I actually liked and thought well of despite her being an RBGesque lefty and me being an unrepentant libertarian shitlord, and she seemed to feel the same way about me. I want to be clear that I don’t think there was any ofthat sort of malice involved in this; I think it was just a generational thing.
Mocking something effectively takes a deep understanding of the thing being mocked. Otherwise, you just look like an asshole that slays straw men. Look at late night talk shows if you want a perfect example of that phenomenon.
That’s pretty cool you had a teacher you could do that with thoguh.
though*
*sighs and gets ready for seppuku*
Yeah, you went to FSU.
/ ’92 Seminole
Cheers, fellow ‘Nole BakedPenguin.
Lookit College here all preppy and shit. HEY, COLLEGE, SPENT ALL THOSE YEARS LEARNIN’, NOW YOU’RE BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My wife and I get all sorts of comments about our kids always calling adults Mr and Mrs. We tell them that if they are uncomfortable that they can tell the kids it is OK to call them Bill or Mary, but until then, we expect them to be polite and address adults accordingly.
I’m not sure I referred to any professors by their first names in college either. But then, I was always so busy flattering them so they wouldn’t give me the grades I deserved.
It’s weird calling someone 25 years younger than you “~san” at first. But you get used to it.
I thought it was strange working with Germans who ALWAYS used their real names and none of them ever seemed to have a nickname. They also never could bring themselves to call me Jimbo (or even Jim). It was always James.
How did they know who you were talking to when all of them were inevitably named Gunter?
Last names. And it seemed like Stefan was the most popular. None of them acted like they had ever heard the name Steve either.
Nicknames are for friends and family ONLY. I kind of appreciate that, actually.
Well, it has over a million views…looks at paltry Hat and Hair views…looks at noose…drinks more beer…
Dude is talking about a popular trilogy. You are making videos based on an inside joke. Even in these parts not everyone is clear on the set up (myself included.) You are putting yourself into an unfair comparison.
::wipes sweat off forehead::
Thank God… I was starting to worry.
This was in response to HM’s link about calling teachers by first names, not the convo that followed.
The guys don’t GAF. Lol.
To save a skinny thread: straffinrun: When I applied to college no one told me there was an entrance exam for english, so I didn’t take it. So I was put in remedial english, by the end of the year the prof apologized to me. Another prof hated me the first day I showed up to class because I didn’t take notes, after the first few weeks I was his go to for answering questions the other students couldn’t. Another prof gave me a few comics from his collection after a few classes. A wacko environmentalist prof acknowledged I had a good argument, but it was ‘disturbing’. And several other profs in lit and history that I had to correct ended up respecting my opinions because, well I was right. And a prof in the drama department that I took all of his available classes made me do a lot of the dramatic readings because I was so good. I was good at school, which makes it all the weirder it took me a decade to get through it, but life happens.
Graduated top 10% of my HS and Uni. Didn’t mean anything. Taleb, Black Swan fame, talked about this kid in Lebanon during the war that learned everything he needed from YouTube because all the schools were destroyed. Kid got into Columbia IIRC. He should’ve continued with the YouTube route instead of Columbiaif you ask me. (Half joking)
Taleb’s assessment after his kid graduates may be interesting.
Can’t find the clip, so don’t quote me on that.
Little love for Matrix and defending talking during movies. You guys are the worst shitlords ever.
You misspelled best
What’s next, defending bangs on Asian chicks?
except for this picture it needs no defense.
That’s not the exception. That IS the rule.
*Doffs internet debunker hat* But, did you know the yellow ranger used in all the stock footage was dude? No your you’re bi, shitlord!
I think I just made the worst episode of The Hat and The Hair yet, but I’m a bad judge of what’s popular, so this will probably be the one that explodes.
Hey late nighters. What happened with Yusef? I’m sure I missed something because for years he’s been talking about his HVAC work then last night he’s talking about his internet getting shut off.
He got a call, didn’t go, was fired even though he was supposedly a partner in the business. Paperwork kids, it means something.
The good thing is that there’s no shortage of work for anyone who is competent and shows up on time in the trades right now.
given that he posts here, I think ‘competent’ and ‘shows up on time’ might not be his strong suit.
Everyone here seems to always show up just in time.
Thanks CPRM. That is awful. Bi hope he lands on his feet.
You are absolutely right about the paperwork. I try not to laugh when clients tell me “everybody knows” what was supposed to happen.
I thought I saw something about him cutting up the beach at Normandy and moving it.
This evening before I came home with my three year old my wife had put out the Halloween decorations. His brothers were wondering if he would still be scared of the witch thingy that lights up and cackles when you pass. As a two year old it freaked him out. Sure enough he comes bounding up the steps and then stops halfway as he sees it. He is still Scared. His older brothers take the piss for a while and they move on to something else. At bedtime, as usual, it was a pain in the ass to get him to go to bed. I told him that the witchy was probably getting active at dark. He went right the way to bed. It’s not good to scare kids too much, but a little bit of fear, I think, is a good thing to instill. It made it easier tonite, have to use it sparingly though.
You really need a comma in that first sentence.
Shhh. I was intrigued by the three year old wife. OMWC must be jealous.
Ha! Yeah, a comma would have worked there.
I’m great with kids, cuz I still think like one mostly, I have a nephew who is obsessed with cars (he’s 3) so cars to him are his powerwheels. We were at a family gathering and everyone was trying to drag him away to go home while he was screaming to stay, I said if he went home he could see his powerwheels. Fast as he could say goodbye he was trying to buckle his car seat.
Smart move. Harnessing their desires is the best way to direct them when they are young.
Nice. It’s funny how kids can get so hooked on something. That’s why they shouldn’t smoke, till they’re at least nine or ten.
Funny, when I was about 10 my dad, who at the time was a 3 pack a day smoker, thought the best way to teach his kids not to smoke was to have us smoke. For me, it did work until I was 20, then I had a massive panic attack, a friend offered me a smoke and I thought I was dying so I was like ‘what the hell’, then low and behold the panic attack that had been going for a month straight (even though I was on my meds) stopped. Made me think.
Nicotine is a powerful relaxant. I also had an uncle who tried that method of keeping us from smoking by giving us a pull. I can’t even imagine the trouble you might get in these days for giving a ten year old a smoke. The 1980’s were another planet from now.
Well, where I lived was about 10 years behind everywhere else, so this was the late 90s.
er, mid 90s..or early 90s…the thing is, I’m a credible witness, even if I don’t know when it was.
#believecprm
Early 90’s was still the 80’s.
+1 Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot
Wait… Were they both checking out his trouser-package in that commercial??
I don’t…..what was the point?
Y’all crazy, just feed em and let them roam, if they come back, they get Dinner………..
/I made it home before the streetlights came on…..
It depends where the street lights are. Internet company give you a stay of execution?
I suppose they forgot, so I’m going to Suck it all up, til there ain’t no more…..
We are also doing Halloween, fuck the eviction notices!
/Don’t really have one, yet
A Cow Orker just told me he’s been getting free internet for like 4 years after they ‘turned off’ his internet. pray thee hath the same results.
TY, if I’m a Cow…..
Adding insult to injury, the Wife is back in the Hospital, they may take the other Foot, Yippee
As long as you’re not a foot fetishist that still leaves the important bits in tact. *Guy who looks for the silver lining*
She’s down with it,she stands on her new foot just fine, her “normal” foot is fucked, so just get rid of it and start over,
/Big ass fetish, Yippee!
Let us know what rad it is to bone the Bionic Woman, I’m sure that’s a fetish for a lot of the guys on here a bit older than me.
After the Dow tanked yesterday, the Nikkei is getting pounded today. Down over 1000 (almost 4.5%).
Trump’s response was was actually one of the smartest things he’s ever said, it’s a market correction, there have been a few in the past year or so and everytime the opposition says it’s going to be a crash, but each time after the correction it reaches a new high. Time to buy, if you aren’t a poor person like me.
Fed Funds rates increasing and we’re seeing the effects on the housing markets. Looks familiar.
I didn’t say it was a forever market, I said it was time to buy.
Buy, sell. Who knows.
So, someone saw #The Nikkei, and took it literally?
The latest Russian launch to the space station went bad. Capsule returned to Earth on a ballistic trajectory. Rescue crews are on their way and have been in contact with the crew, who are okay.