The Hat and The Hair: Episode 106

by | Jan 23, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 235 comments

 

“Is Sarah really not going to give any more White House press briefings?” the hair asked.

“I’ve canceled them,” the hat said. “I mean, what’s the point? They just ignore her and write what they want.”

“But it’s the White House Press briefing. They’ve all been lies and bullshit since the very first one.”

“Fuck ‘em. Let ’em read the press releases.”

“But what’s going to happen to Sarah? What is she going to do around here?”

“This and that. Cook and clean, I guess.”

“She’s going to look fucking terrible in a French maid uniform,” the hair said.

“Barf, dude. Just barf,” the hat said. “That shit is going to be in my mind forever.”

“Yeah, like that time I walked in on you trying to fuck a grapefruit wrapped up in duct tape.”

“Knock first!” the hat yelled.

“Oh, don’t worry about that from now on! One-hundred percent going to knock!”

Donald walked into the Oval Office, talking into his cellphone. “Ivanka, Ivanka, I’ll be my own press secretary. I’ve got Twitter, baby girl. Straight to the America people. The Real America. Farmers on tractors checking their Instagram accounts, steel mill workers pausing to take selfies with molten ore, FBI agents tracking my movements. FIFH-ty-seven million followers. I’m yuge!” He covered the phone with his free hand. “You boys want to say anything to Ivanka?”

The hair shook itself “no” in a freeform wave of tendrils. The hat said “Tell her to send me a sext. The good stuff this time. Baby-box or butthole.”

“Yeah, baby girl,” Donald said into the phone. “I gotta go. Make sure to send a sext later. Bye-bye. Daddy loves you, he really does. Tell Daddy you love him. OK, bye, sweetie.” The hair made a gagging sound and the hat giggled.

“Ivanka said we fired Pie. Is this fake news?” Donald said, turning to glare at the hat and the hair.

“Not true,” the hat said.

“Of course not,” the hair said.

“I just canceled all future White House press briefings until the stupid reporters learn to be respectful,” the hat said.

“Why wasn’t I informed of this?!?” asked the man who was informed of it numerous times.

The hat and hair looked at one another. The hat coughed.

“I’m tweeting about this,” Donald said.

“OK,” the hat said.

“I mean it,” Donald said. “I’ll tweet about it unless you stop me.”

“No one is going to stop you, Donald,” the hair said.

Donald took off his pants and then typed furiously on his phone for a few moments.

“My thumb is right over the “send” button!” he said.

“Just make sure to call her Sarah,” the hair said.

“Sarah? Who the fuck is Sarah? Donald asked.

 

‘Podium?” the hair asked, reading over the hat’s brim. “Isn’t it actually a lectern?”

“You stand on a podium, you read from a lectern. They aren’t interchangeable,” the hat said snidely.

“But he puts podium in quotation marks,” the hair said. “Is he saying it really isn’t a podium?”

“Like a fake podium, a pseudopodia?” the hat asked, laughing at his own pun.

“Fuck you both,” Donald said. “Seriously.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

235 Comments

  1. AlexinCT

    GO SUGARFREE, IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY…

    BLEACH FOR MY EYES!

    • UnCivilServant

      Bleach for your eyes and cyanide for your horses?

      • AlexinCT

        Next you are going to tell me that like me, your favorite country music song is “My wife ran away with my best friend, and I miss him

  2. Yusef drives a Kia

    Well that was tame, for SF

    • Swiss Servator

      “Yeah, like that time I walked in on you trying to fuck a grapefruit wrapped up in duct tape.”

      “Knock first!” the hat yelled.

      Yeah, or not.

      • Pan Zagloba

        He did say for SF.

      • Swiss Servator

        Hmmm… I will consider that.

      • Bobarian LMD

        The duct tape keeps the grape fruit from splitting.

      • trshmnstr

        This isn’t a normal thing?

    • R C Dean

      Did you miss this?

      “Yeah, baby girl,” Donald said into the phone. “I gotta go. Make sure to send a sext later.

  3. wdalasio

    The good stuff this time. Baby-box or butthole.

    Damned near Shakespearean in its eloquence.

    • Tonio

      ^This.

    • AlmightyJB

      I’m totally stealing that line.

      • Not Adahn

        It’s a good question on a first date.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “Why wasn’t I informed of this?!?” asked the man who was informed of it numerous times.

    Toxic masculinity; male privilege in all its glory.

  5. Sean

    Why does the grapefruit need to be wrapped in duct tape? Better traction?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Fewer explosions, also
      Hamsters

      • AlexinCT

        Duct tape. Is there anything it can’t fix??

    • trshmnstr

      The hat’s reproductive barb doesn’t fully extend until a certain amount of force is encountered. The grapefruit’s skin isn’t enough, thus the need for duct tape to increase the resistance.

  6. WTF

    “Barf, dude. Just barf,” the hat said. “That shit is going to be in my mind forever.”

    That’s what WE said!

    • Tonio

      It’s a writerly trick. And it worked.

  7. Tres Cool

    Today I learned……podium v. lectern.

    And “babybox”.

    This place is truly a gift.

  8. Creosote Achilles

    baby box. I am incorporating that in my vocabulary.

    • Tres Cool

      Work in ‘pink-sink’ too. The ladies love it.

    • Spudalicious

      +1

    • Agent Cooper

      Muscle Tunnel.

  9. l0b0t

    Amazing work, good sir. You had me at “…a grapefruit wrapped up in duct tape.

  10. Pan Zagloba

    I need to stop reading these, because I’m developing sympathy for Pie. Why would you humanize her, SF?

    • Swiss Servator

      STOP SHOWING WEAKNESS!

      • Pan Zagloba

        Look, I can intellectually accept that working for The Donald is a soul-grinding, ego-crushing nightmarish existence. But making me feel for a Sanders is…it’s not cricket!

  11. Democratic Hitler

    I for one am just appreciative that SF isn’t wasting xir gift writing think-tank papers or some other bullshit.

    • SugarFree

      My pronouns are he, him, his and Lord.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        No “Eminence”? I am disappoint.

      • SugarFree

        I misplaced my kissing ring.

      • peachy rex

        I don’t even want to know what *that* is a euphemism for.

      • Gadfly

        There’s no euphemism: a kissing ring is simply a ring you wear that your inferiors must kiss to show you respect. On the other hand, what appendage you wear that ring on may require euphemism…

      • Spudalicious

        I didn’t know you were British.

      • Rhywun

        Nah, the accent is fake.

  12. Yusef drives a Kia

    Why do you wrap hamsters in duct tape?
    So when you butt fuck them, they don’t explode

    • AlexinCT

      This applies to a lot of small things you might want to unleash your inner Steve Smith on….

    • Ownbestenemy

      Yusef…I heard that joke in ground radar school in Biloxi from a former First Sergeant that was teaching

  13. The Late P Brooks

    I for one am just appreciative that SF isn’t wasting xir gift writing think-tank papers or some other bullshit.

    Research grant applications!

    In furtherance of man’s insatiable thirst for knowledge, the Glibertarian Curiosity Collective proposes A Study…

    • AlexinCT

      IT WILL MAKE THE FROGS GAY!

  14. Not Adahn

    “Fuck you both,” Donald said. “Seriously.”

    Wait… POTUS is here?

    • Pan Zagloba

      Tulpa has been Donald all this time! It’s the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world!

      WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Awesome!

      • Democratic Hitler

        Fact check: verified awesome.

  15. CPRM

    Huzzah!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Did you see my apology about your PS art? It was a bad play on the PS titty meme, I think your work is Art,

      • CPRM

        It’s cool. I was just teasing. I’m up front about the photoshop usage. When I met SP and she was talking about my art I made sure she knew I don’t actually ‘draw’ anything.

  16. Drake

    An honest “journalist“.

    “I don’t know what it says about me, but I’ve truly lost the ability to articulate the hysterical rage, nausea, and heartache this makes me feel,” Abriss tweeted. “I just want these people to die. Simple as that. Every single one of them. And their parents.”

    • Democratic Hitler

      Thank you for your honesty. Now please drink this bottle of drain cleaner, all your pain will soon be over.

    • trshmnstr

      Yes, but the other side are the Nazis because reasons.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      How very clever to SF a link on a SF post.

    • kinnath

      I saw a tweet reposted on Facebook “a school shooting at Covington would be acceptable”.

      The smug white face associated with the tweet begs for a beating.

    • Chipwooder

      hysterical rage, nausea, and heartache this makes me feel

      This sounds like a perfectly reasonable reaction to an incident where absolutely nothing actually happened. A very sane, intelligent reaction from our media overlords.

      BTW, Warren Buffet’s favorite tax writeoff, the Omaha World-Herald, ran a story on the lying liar Nathan Phillips which featured this amusing bit:

      Back in Nebraska, Omaha tribal Chairman Elmer Blackbird did not return calls seeking comment about Phillips’ vigil.

      Privately, another tribal leader said Phillips is regarded back in Nebraska as a well-intentioned brother struggling to cope with a troubled childhood. The leader said the Omaha Tribe generally avoids the type of activism Phillips prefers.

      “He’s just trying to find his way,” the leader said. “Let him find it.”

      Translation: stop asking us about this lunatic, he’s not our problem anymore.

    • Rhywun

      And their parents.

      LOL, nice touch

  17. l0b0t

    If I may go OT? Anyone have a good recipe for a teriyaki glaze (for swordfish steaks w/onion straws and sesame coleslaw)?

    • AlexinCT

      Roofies?

      • l0b0t

        Nice. My only experience with those was having a chum in college who LOVED them and could, quite often be talked into doing outlandishly stupid things while under their tender embrace.

      • AlmightyJB

        I was like that in HS with ‘ludes.

      • Spartacus

        In college, we called them (‘ludes) Gorilla Cookies. Not without reason.

    • AlmightyJB

      I think it’s just soy sauce and pineapple juice.

      • AlexinCT

        Where is the pizza dough in all of that?

      • Drake

        You have to thicken it up with honey.

      • SugarFree

        Make sure never to marinate with pineapple juice. Turns meat to gross mush.

      • Not Adahn

        Canned pineapple juice will work — the heat pasteurization kills the enzymes.

      • SugarFree

        Ah, good tip.

      • l0b0t

        Thanks.

    • Chipwooder

      Generally, all you need is soy sauce (a good Japanese dark soy sauce), brown sugar, ginger, and garlic. I don’t use a recipe because I generally find the recipes I’ve found online to be too sweet. I just mix some up with about half as much sugar as garlic or ginger, and adjust to taste.

      • Agent Cooper

        I make one with Teriyaki Sauce, Orange Blossom Honey, Corn Starch, Chicken Broth and Rice Vinegar, Salt and Pepper. Sometimes I’ll add a pinch of Chinese Five Spices.
        The Vinegar and Honey tangle nicely. I add garlic to the veggies (Bok choy, red peppers, green onions, carrots, and celery — or whatever else you want). I always use Basmati or Jasmine rice made in the Instant Pot. I’ve used it with both beef and chicken so far.

        Let’s just say we never have leftovers.

      • Agent Cooper

        I’d like to make my own teriyaki base to start with, but I haven’t had the time to experiment with that.

    • Rebel Scum

      Store brand teriyaki sauce.

    • l0b0t

      Thank you all very much. I’ve got ginger, honey, soy, lime, brown sugar, garlic, and green onion; it’s clobberin’ experimentin’ time!

  18. AlexinCT

    Was it the Hat or the Hair that made Trump do this?

    • CPRM

      I see that hat doing it as a lark and the hair going, “this could actually work.”

  19. The Late P Brooks

    TW: pointless whining.

    I just clicked on a Jalopnik link about how “Wall Street hates Ford” (spoiler alert- because they suck, and Bill Ford is a blathering moron).

    Anyway, the fucking story featured an unkillable video loop/gif at the edge of the screen which was about to send me into either an epileptic fit or a homicidal rage. I had to close the window. I can’t believe I’m the only person who refuses to put up with that shit, no matter how “enticing” the content might be. Why do “web designers” insist on doing that?

    • AlexinCT

      You are not. If I can’t kill a fucking video or am forced to accept cookies, i just close down the fucking site and avoid it going forward.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Yep. There’s no content on the internet that I want to read badly enough to tolerate that.

    • Agent Cooper

      “Wall Street hates Ford”
      Because they didn’t take the government bribe? I had an Explorer for five years. It was fine. Had to replace a compressor at $1200.

  20. AlexinCT

    Also OT, but what could go wrong with doing this again? It’s not like it almost wrecked our economy and ended up costing the productive tax payers a few trillion or so…

    • kinnath

      But the nursing student who works part time providing home care for children and the elderly eventually hit pay dirt: For a roughly $610,000 home loan, a mortgage company let her verify her earnings with 12 months of bank statements and letters from clients. Ms. Hering said money she collects from roommates and from renting to Airbnb guests covers more…

      600K. Are you fucking kidding me.

      • UnCivilServant

        That is a seriously big risk. Both the student and the bank should be ashamed.

      • kinnath

        An online calculator says $2884 for principle and interest only on a 3.92% 30-year loan.

      • UnCivilServant

        That is about 2/3rd my take-home pay per month. How did this part-time employee think it was a good idea? I can’t read the article, does it say what area this is in?

      • Tundra

        San Clemente, CA.

        She inherited the house with some other family members and had to buy them out.

        Ms. Hering, who is 30 years old, received a loan at a rate of just over 6% for the first five years; it adjusts after that. She used the money to fully buy out her grandfather’s house in San Clemente, Calif. She jointly inherited it with other relatives and said she needed a loan to pay them for their shares of the property. The loan was two-thirds the value of the house.

        When she graduates nursing school in a few months and takes on a full-time job, Ms. Hering said she plans to refinance into a more traditional loan with a lower rate. Additionally, she expects to soon receive an inheritance from her grandfather that will increase her assets.

        Oh, and she just knows she has the winning Powerball…

      • Chipwooder

        So…..she’s killing ol’ Grandad for the inheritance money?

        Maybe I watch too much Investigation Discovery.

      • UnCivilServant

        Still a student at 30? I’m seeing the echoes of previous lapses in judgement.

      • Nephilium

        Chipwooder: Assuming it’s the same Grandfather she inherited the house from, it sounds like grandad is already gone. Of course, I’m fairly certain she’s overestimating how much of the money she’ll be getting. If she only got a third of the house, and the rest of her family got the rest, I’d guess the money will be split the same way.

        And I’m sure there won’t be any bad blood in the family when the house is foreclosed on in a couple of years.

      • kinnath

        6% now on an adjustable rate mortgage. That’s with 1/3rd equity in the house.

        What a fucking idiot.

      • Tundra

        It’s important to have a plan for these kinds of things. On the surface, inheriting a property sounds great, but co-owning in reality sucks balls.

        I’ve seen it a lot here with family lake homes. Dad dies, leaves it to the kids. Kids don’t use it equally due to circumstances, one kid doesn’t want to chip in for the property taxes, someone wrecked the prop on the boat… blah blah blah.

        Fuck it. I plan to liquidate all my shit and split the money between the kids.

      • trshmnstr

        I’ve seen it a lot here with family lake homes. Dad dies, leaves it to the kids. Kids don’t use it equally due to circumstances, one kid doesn’t want to chip in for the property taxes, someone wrecked the prop on the boat… blah blah blah.

        *nods in agreement *

        IMO, it’s something to have a conversation about. If kid 1 really loves the lake house and kid 2 doesn’t really care either way, give the lakehouse to kid 1 and give everything else to kid 2.

        Worst case, if there are tensions, liquidate everything and cut a check to each of them (or to none of them if they’re being entitled assholes)

      • kinnath

        My father told me 30 years ago that his will says:

        “Being of sound mind and body, I spent it all.”

      • R C Dean

        Its still going to be a fucking $600,000 loan. Depending on the market, blah blah, a new nurse grad will be doing well indeed to make $60K a year. Her PITI on that house is probably going to be . . . $60K a year.

        I guess she’s planning on renting part of it out?

      • Lord Humungus

        re: Lake house

        Back in the early 80s my parents built a beautiful log cabin on the shore of Lake Michigan and, as they got older, desperately wanted it to be passed on to my brothers and I. One lives in Canada and the other down in southern Indiana. Since I’m the closest I knew I would get stuck maintaining the house and it would be lucky if my brothers visited it once a year.

        And then my oldest brother said he would love to retire there. He’s a doctor and fairly well off but I don’t think he quite understood that he would have to pay me and my other brother off. Anyways, it was a serious point of contention.

        Thankfully the next door neighbor, who’s extremely wealthy, *bought the house, land, and garage for a lump cash sum. So that problem is gone. It took some convincing for my parents to move since my dad always said he was going to be carried out feet first from that house.

        *two weeks after my parents moved out, the house was torn down. So the guy paid over a half-million $$ to buy a garage and an acre of land. Some people like their privacy.

      • Tundra

        LH: You dodged a bullet.

      • Pope Jimbo

        She must be a peach.

        You would think that if her plan was sound, she might tell her co-owners/relatives “look, for for the next year how about I start paying you guys directly? That way we don’t lose money to the bank. When I get a real job, I will finance and pay you off”

        The fact that she didn’t tells me that her relatives are pretty sure she is a credit risk.

      • AlexinCT

        No. And government will send you the bill when the economy collapses again…

      • Tundra

        These mortgages don’t meet the criteria to be backed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac

        Not yet, anyway.

      • AlexinCT

        That will be fixed by team Pelosi. Cause these young people deserve free shit.

      • Chipwooder

        Ah, back to the days when truck stop waitresses were buying three-quarter of a million dollar houses with ARMs. That ended well. didn’t it?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        *memories of 2004 in California*

    • Rhywun

      All part of the plan.

      “I have not forgotten,” she warned bankers as she prepared for her powerful new role, that “you foreclosed on our houses . . . had us sign on the line for junk and for mess that we could not afford.” She added: “I’m going to do to you what you did to us.”

      Your chair-creature of something called the “House Financial Services Committee”, America. You voted these people in.

      • trshmnstr

        There’s bald faced anger in all of the lefts dealings as of late. They’ve always had some hidden evil in their dealings, but they’re openly embracing racism, sexism, envy, revenge, and myriad other evil these days.

      • Rhywun

        “Who’s got ‘sloth’?”

        *Bill De Blasio raises head off desk, rubs eyes*

        “Present!”

      • trshmnstr

        Where’s that article from yesterday about how cleaning your room is oppressive?

      • Naptown Bill

        My daughter certainly thinks so.

    • AlmightyJB

      Those two need to do Thunderdome. It’s the best solution. PPV proceeds go to the Wall.

      • AlexinCT

        Where is Don king when you need him, huh?

      • Swiss Servator

        Long dead, unfortunately.

      • Agent Cooper

        You just know they’ll end up making out, and everyone will get sick and will be an EPIDEMIC.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Proving once again, this is the best timeline.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      It’s not his chamber. It’s Nancy Pelosi’s chamber. He doesn’t get to dictate to Congress. I don’t like this at all

      • Nephilium

        Maybe he’ll give the speech in an empty chamber, and send them a transcript?

      • Democratic Hitler

        Sounds like she already invited him and he confirmed. I’m not sure that counts as dictating.

      • Naptown Bill

        If he’s dictating, it seems like he’s dictating to Nancy, mostly. But regardless, I kinda like the idea of Donald Trump turning Oliver Cromwell.

      • Gadfly

        True, it’s the House Chamber and if the House doesn’t want him, they should rescind the invitation, and they must respect that. I have my doubts the House will actually go that far, though, because the Senate could then invite him to their Chamber, which, due to having a much smaller seating gallery, would require the exclusion of very many House members from the event.

      • Agent Cooper

        He should do it from the roof of Trump Tower.

  21. Tundra

    “Why wasn’t I informed of this?!?” asked the man who was informed of it numerous times.

    I know this guy.

    • Rhywun

      Every boss you’ve ever had, right?

    • ChipsnSalsa

      You work with Jason as well?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Mr. Morrissey, who has since set his Twitter account to private, told The Wrap that he now finds his comments “profoundly stupid.”

      “It was something that I did not give any thought to,” he said. “It was just a fast, profoundly stupid tweet. … I would throw my phone into the ocean before doing that again.”

      At least it’s a more honest apology than most. He didn’t qualify it with a “but”.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Prediction: he will not throw his phone into the ocean and he will do it again.

      • Michael

        I’ve got to give the guy credit for this too. I don’t recall ever hearing anyone else in his position just flat out own their fuck up the way he did.

      • Agent Cooper

        “It was just a fast, profoundly stupid tweet”

        He had to go and locate an acceptable Fargo-inspired woodchipper image, download it, then click on the little picture box, upload the image to the tweet, type the 3 or 4 lines, and then hit tweet. Not that fast.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      A man whose job it is to create children’s movies is apologizing for threatening the lives of children.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Fuck, most of Disney’s production teams are full-blown SJW’s, if not communists. I can’t imagine the echo chamber that must exist over there.

    • wdalasio

      Disney did not respond to The Wrap’s request for comment.

      Ten years ago I’d have said the guy’s career was over. Disney would not have been a company that would have any inclination to be associated with wishing for violence against children. The new woke Disney? I’m not placing any bets.

      • Agent Cooper

        Walt’s rolling over in his freezer!

  22. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    https://www.mediaite.com/columnists/the-entire-covington-catholic-story-shows-just-how-incredibly-stupid-our-media-culture-has-become/

    FTA:

    “The news media, of course, partly because there is no longer any time to allow for even the basic facts to come in and for a story to settle when there are trending topic clicks to chase, is the worst offender of interpreting events through the lens of their preferred narrative. To them, a few seconds of a white kid in a MAGA hat smirking at a Native American elder (who fought— not really –in Vietnam!), with his pro-life friends chanting and cheering him in the background, was all they needed to know to determine who were the good guys and the bad guys in this very minor dustup.

    So, as they so often do, the Twitter mob and the news media (it is becoming very difficult to determine who is leading whom in these all-too-common situations) rushed to judgement and immediately set on destroying the lives of the kids from Covington Catholic, even causing the school to close out of security concerns.

    Then, when further video provided more context for what really happened, making it clear that Phillips actually facilitated the stare-down, the media partly retreated, but without really admitting they were wrong, instead shifting the goalposts for why what the Covington kids had done was still egregious. After all, If there is one thing the news media despises more than anything (other than maybe covering actual hard news in a substantive manner) it is having to reverse a narrative they have fallen in love with, especially after they have already clearly chosen which the direction things were supposed to go.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The dirtbags really showed themselves with this one.

      Even National Review shat on the kids at first. Lowry needs to pen an apology to his readers for letting that one get published. Or he needs to be canned.

      • Chipwooder

        A whole bunch of the self-annointed right wing establishment did – the NR crowd, Hugh Hewitt, Ross Douthat, etc.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That douche Douthat is still trying to weasel his way out of the criticism by harping on how the kids shouldn’t have been wearing MAGA hats.

      • AlexinCT

        But pussy hats are totes cool?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Ross Douthat is probably already considered a Nazi by his peers for being Catholic. Now everyone knows he’s a coward too

      • wdalasio

        Well, given how she they were dressed, it’s clear she was they were asking for it.

        /Douthat

      • R C Dean

        OK, wearing a MAGA hat means you were asking for it. Now do women in short skirts.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Don’t mind if I do, thank you.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Conservative Inc. is a joke. They’re too busy trying to appear “respectable” to ever think independently.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Here’s a funny exchange from two libertarians who waited on the facts

        Dave Smith

        @ComicDaveSmith

        I’m not calling for violence against 16 yr olds so obviously I work for the Koch brothers.

        Pete ‘Mance Rayder’ Raymond ?

        @ThePeteRaymond

        Replying to @ComicDaveSmith

        I’m still waiting for my Koch check.
        Oh yeah, I’m not a sell-out.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Jeff Deist

        @jeffdeist

        Replying to @ThomasEWoods

        Memo to libertarians who want to move on up in the world and write for the Atlantic, WaPo, etc: just write about libertarianish issues progressives already agree with. Drug war, incarceration, police misconduct, etc.

        None of that pesky property rights or Fed stuff!

      • Chipwooder

        It’s like they are able to read ENB’s mind!

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        They were mainly trashing Balko

      • Chipwooder

        I meant the thought process, not the specific issues. Just replace “drug war, incarceration, police misconduct” with “sex workers and abortion”

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Oh yeah. Absolutely. I just meant that the Mises crowd seems to regard ENB as such a joke that if they’re trashing the other side they don’t even mention her.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Can you blame them? She hangs with Jessica Valenti, who’s about two steps away from being a tankie.

      • Pan Zagloba

        To be fair, there’s enough bullshit in those topics to keep a battalion of jouralists employed gainfully and with a socially useful purpose 24/7 for a century. It’s just, you know, if you don’t want to get on property rights and culture war and free association and such, then don’t. You really don’t have to a Hot Take Of The Day for everything, especially if you’re just parroting the main line.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yup. And stop actively supporting government efforts to impose a social agenda. When pro-life crisis pregnancy centers were being forced to post signs telling people about abortion by the State, the WokeHat defended the fucking STATE and TOS parroted that position. Same garbage is also pulled with state pee pee laws. TOS defended these laws against attempts by the state to repeal them.

        Cosmos like to parrot that they’re “fiscally conservative and socially liberal”, but in reality they’re “fiscally incoherent and socially totalitarian”.

      • trshmnstr

        “Woke minds and intersectional solidarity”

      • AlexinCT

        If you understand that the allegiance of the conservative ink elites is towards the elites first and foremost, and to conservatism a far and distant tenth or less, you can clearly see why they are more peeved about things that piss off the elite class (and the left) than being conservative…

      • AlexinCT

        Someone else pointed out how their approach to any of these sort of narrative driven media stories was to simply wait for 2 days, or so, for the real facts to come out, as the facts would indubitably – based on precedent – end up showing the story was bullshit peddled by the usual suspects. I found it to be a great approach although I am going with the “I am going to bet the story is bullshit” as soon as I see these. So far I would not ever have to apologize for these media hacks being dnc shills and liars.

    • deadhead

      +1 Duranty

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Mr. Morrissey, who has since set his Twitter account to private, told The Wrap that he now finds his comments “profoundly stupid.”

    “I’m sorry you found out how much I hate the people who put bread on my table.”

    • kinnath

      Oops, did I say that out loud.

      Not much of an apology actually.

  24. commodious spittoon

    Fuck me! How could we not consider how misconduct by journalists might be affecting journalists?

    Kirsten Powers
    @KirstenPowers

    This ⁦@washingtonpost⁩ story captures the real lesson of this episode—don’t succumb to orchestrated harassment campaigns against journalists.

    “The Covington Catholic story went viral. The mainstream media chased it. The Trump Internet pounced.”

    • Sean

      Wow…just wow.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I think the term you’re looking for is “disingenuous cunt”

      • Rebel Scum

        And to think she was relatively sane for a short while not too long ago.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      The real victims are always journalists.

      Seriously, though, Robby is not letting this story go. That guy must be the most hated staff member at TOS right now. I bet ENB isn’t even talking to him and Gillespie is more bitchy than usual to him.

      Who would have thought that Robby had the biggest balls of all those writers?

      • trshmnstr

        Maybe John McCain had his balls, too?

      • Chipwooder

        Well…..it’s not exactly overwhelming competition for that title, but yeah, good on him for sticking to it and not larding his posts with to-be-sures.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Yeah, I bagged on him, but his decision to say things no one was expecting him to say and then keep it at is admirable. I mean, he must know he’s doing damage to his long-term interests by doing so.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Oh, he’s fucked. All the woketarians hate him now too.

      • Pan Zagloba

        OK, so…. let’s say Pie has a nervous breakdown from running into The Hat giving into its basest desires or something.

        Robby At The “Podium”? I say yes.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Agreed

    • commodious spittoon

      “The real lesson of the Journolist scandal—don’t succumb to conservative reports about our Journolist scandal.”

    • kinnath

      Back in the good-old-days, journalism was just a slanted as today. But editor were in control of the process. “Journalists” wrote articles. “Editors” fixed them to fit in to the company point of view. Opinions were published by editors on a page dedicated to opinions. Journalist had to become pretty fucking famous before the were let off the reservation.

      Now, every dipshit has a twitter account and posts whatever crap pops out at the spur of the moment.

      I am officially an old man — I hate the consequences of the new-fangled toys the kids play with these days.

    • Naptown Bill

      Oh eat a dick, Kirsten, you hack. God forbid the press should be held to any goddamned standards of accuracy or even human decency.

      • Drake

        She’s in the dictionary under “dumb blonde”.

    • R C Dean

      Ah, the classic “Republicans pounce” move:

      (1) Democrat does something illegal/reprehensible/vile
      (2) Republicans condemn Democrat
      (3) News story: “Republicans Pounce”. Not “Democrat does something illegal/reprehensible/vile”.

      See,

    • The Other Kevin

      Traditional newspapers and magazines aren’t selling anymore. Most people are getting their news from an online source, which means journalists are writing to drive clicks to their sites. As we’ve learned from Twitter, one way to get a lot of clicks is to be outrageous and controversial. It’s “If it bleeds it leads” on steroids. They are no more victims than PT Barnum.

    • Chipwooder

      And now she claims she’s leaving Twitter…bahahaha

      Kirsten Powers

      Verified account

      @KirstenPowers
      Follow Follow @KirstenPowers
      More
      Every day I get up and say “no more Twitter” and somehow end up back here. I always regret it.

      Deleting the app now.

      10:36 AM – 23 Jan 2019

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I suspect she’ll be back shortly.

      • Rhywun

        USA Today Columnist || CNN Political Analyst || blah blah blah

        It’s probably a job requirement

      • Naptown Bill

        Logging into Twitter to post a tweet about how you’re leaving Twitter…

    • ruodberht

      Apparently she blocked me. I don’t recall interacting with her.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      HOWCOME I CAN’T SAY INFLAMMATORY AND UNTRUE STUFF AND NOT CATCH SHIT FOR IT?

    • Chipwooder

      The other story Powers linked was this dreck by noted asshole Adam Serwer, which features such gems as these….

      Much of the mainstream media, meanwhile, is working tirelessly to win back the trust of Trump’s followers, whether by conceding the president’s framing, offering endless watercolored portraits of Trump supporters in Midwest diners, or making other displays of sympathy…..

      Yeah, that’s what your ilk are doing, working darned hard to earn that trust back.

      Far from being “calm and restrained” in response to the taunts of the five Black Hebrew Israelites, the students are shown responding with loud chants, gestures, and shouts of their own, as though facing off against a rival team at a sporting event, escalating the confrontation.

      HOLY SHIT, high school students responded in a rather lighthearted manner to scumbag adults screaming insults at them? The horror! The horror!

      The Black Hebrew Israelite faction that was present in front of the Lincoln Memorial does not reflect most of the loose grouping of congregations, which can be roughly described as synthesizing Jewish and Christian ideas and practices, but it is a frequent bother for D.C. residents. Its members stand on crowded street corners with bullhorns and yell vile things, including racist, sexist, and homophobic slurs, at anyone who passes by. D.C. residents do not respond to these provocations with confrontation. They ignore them. They do not engage in chants or taunts of their own in an attempt to display their dominance. They don’t engage in their own taunts of people who happen to be nearby.

      Tsk tsk…..these deplorable children just don’t have the inborn grace and manners of the DC elite. How dare they! Note the subtext – black guys screaming racial epithets and insults are just a humdrum inconvenience of urban life, but high school students doing sports chants are the pinnacle of evil.

      The incident became a national story in part because of the way the images seemed to confirm first one sweeping narrative, and then another, opposite one: the first, that the heart of Trumpism is prejudice; the second, that anti-prejudice, abetted by the liberal media, has become a malevolent force comparable to racial oppression. But only one of these bears any resemblance to empirical reality, and that would still be the case no matter what unfolded in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

      Never mind the facts here, the important thing to remember is DRUMPFFFFFFFFFFF! “Let’s not argue over ‘o killed ‘o!”

      I note that Serwer barely mentions the Freon Ranger at all, nor is he remotely curious as to why this man is claiming that he was trying to defuse a situation and, without greeting anyone or explaining what he was doing, marched up to this kid to bang his drum in his face while chanting in a language the kid doesn’t understand, nor does he mention the Freon Ranger’s buddy who tells the kids that they should all go back to Europe because they’re white.

      So, from the media’s perspective, we have three principals involved.

      1)The Freon Ranger and his buddies. Their actions are unexamined, their motives not questioned, and their lies ignored.
      2)The Black Hebrew Israelites. Sure, Serwer concedes, they yell horrible things to people, but pfffft, adult DC residents don’t respond to them! I find this take to be most amusing coming from the crowd who insists that “hate speech is not free speech, words are violence!”
      3)14-17 year old high school students, who are to blame for everything because they…..might have mocked a guy whose friends were insulting them, and smiled at that guy and didn’t move when he marches up in their faces.

      This is way beyond the looking glass stuff. This is straight-up Bizarro World.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Good for him for sticking with it. He’s getting a real taste of the lunacy now.

      • Chipwooder

        I hope he is. I really thought the young man’s heart was in the right place for a long time, and then he went through his to-be-sure period where he wouldn’t ever take a potentially unpopular position without hedging his bets. Good to see him seeing the reality that the left really is insane and lefty DC journolists aren’t really his friends.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        He’s torching his career right now.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Meh. There seem to be a fair share of journalists making a living outside of progressive media.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Yeah, the respectable ones.

      • Chipwooder

        The vast majority of the media is “progressive media” to one degree or the other. Robby’s consigning himself to outlets like the Federalist. He’ll never be published by the likes of the NYT or the Atlantic now.

    • Rebel Scum

      The Trump Internet pounced.

      I take this to mean that the msm was called on their bullshit. They keep this crap up and I am re-doing my whole wardrobe in MAGA gear just as a middle finger to these lying sob’s.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    This ⁦@washingtonpost⁩ story captures the real lesson of this episode—don’t succumb to orchestrated harassment campaigns against journalists.

    LOLWUT?

    • R C Dean

      If there’s like, a mailing list or something that I could get on to be informed of orchestrated harassment campaigns against journalists, that would be awesome.

      • Chipwooder

        I see what you did there!

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Hence “Is it OK to punch a journalist?”

      Which is a serious question that should be asked. If you were a white Christian male from a rural part of America and a reporter approached you, you should know that they are there to destroy you. They don’t like you. And they’ll never tell the truth about you. So, I think it’s difficult to argue that you would not be justified in assuming ill intent and using force to repel them.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Indeed, they have already committed violence against you (by their own definition).

      • Michael

        No shit. Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that some complete hack from Der Spiegel decided to defame an entire Minnesota town in a global publication?

    • Naptown Bill

      I wish someone would orchestrate a harassment campaign against journalists just so we’d all know what it looks like. As it is you just have to assume they’d be ambushed in a restaurant and heckled on camera.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yes. “Dox journos”. Why hasn’t 4chan done this?

      • Pan Zagloba

        If I remember right from GamerGate, “harassment” means “they criticized me”, “death threat” is “fuck off a die” and “doxxing” is always done offline with no evidence.

      • Naptown Bill

        Well, “Trump’s Internet pouncing” seems to mean people calling members of the media out for continuing to push a narrative not supported by visual evidence, apparently.

      • Democratic Hitler

        God dammit, why are Trump supporters still allowed on the internet?! I thought we banned all those gun-toting snake-flagging troglodyte fucks!

  26. Rebel Scum

    They really can’t help themselves, can they?

    In a tweet sent Tuesday night, the left-leaning outlet insinuated that a gay student was banned from speaking at the school’s graduation because he was gay.

    “A gay student who was barred by the Covington diocese from speaking at his 2018 graduation, is ‘not surprised’ by the Covington Catholic High School video,” NBC News tweeted.

    The headline for the article, clearly meant to suggest the school is anti-gay, reads: “Gay valedictorian banned from speaking at Covington graduation ‘not surprised’ by D.C. controversy.” This headline actually makes the tweet look more accurate.

    Others, including Federalist contributor Chad Felix Greene (who also happens to be gay), quickly noted how misleading the story was, as the student was not banned for speaking because he was gay. “He submitted the speech too late and it was too political for the venue,” Greene wrote.

    lso, the student did not even graduate from Covington Catholic – he was the valedictorian from Holy Cross High School. The only thing tying the two schools together is that they are overseen by the Diocese of Covington in Kentucky.

    So, basically, NBC found a student from another school to trash Covington Catholic, and insinuated that somehow Covington is anti-gay.

    In the second paragraph of the NBC article, they note the student is from a different school, but go on to refer to Holy Cross as “the Covington school.”

    In the fourth paragraph, NBC mentions that the student, Christian Bales, “said at the time that he was unsure whether his sexual orientation played a role” in the decision not to allow his speech. The Diocese also barred a speech from the student council president, who doesn’t appear to be gay.

    “I honestly have no idea, because what I’ve been taught about the Catholic faith is that it’s about love and tolerance and acceptance of all people,” Bales said at the time.

  27. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    I encourage everyone to look at Rico Soave’s Twitter page. The guy is losing his mind as media outlets continue to push anecdotes that are clearly contradicted by video. He’s getting red pilled so hard right now. It’s hilarious.

    Most recent one:

    https://twitter.com/robbysoave/status/1088147994447355911

    • Pan Zagloba

      Jesus, he needs to stop. He’s reaching “set yourself on fire in protest” stage.

    • Nephilium

      But that would require me to sign up for Twitter, and then learn how to read through their insane threading. Ain’t nobody got time for that shite.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        You don’t have to sign-up. I don’t have any social media. You just google the name and it’s usually the first thing that pops up

      • Nephilium

        Ah, but I aggressively block any and all scripts, images, and all that from all social media sites. It’s amazing how much faster the web pages load, and less ads get loaded on pages.

        If you’re using Adblock Plus, just add Fanboy’s Social Blocking List to your filters. With NoScript you just have to get in the habit of whitelisting scripts selectively instead of all for a site.

      • Rhywun

        None of that prevents you from going to Twitter and reading what’s there (or clicking the many links provided by various nitwits here).

        I do all that and I don’t have a Twitter account, and I can still read everything I choose to there. Which is very little, to be sure.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        “to be sure”

        Rhywun is Soave!

      • Nephilium

        True, but I get shunted to “Legacy Twitter”, and then all I see is the one single Tweet that’s been linked. If it’s a video, I just get a static image (if that).

      • Rhywun

        OK one difference is I am using Fanboy’s Annoyance List. Maybe the Social Blocking List does something extra. If I deliberately go to Twitter I don’t see a need to block myself from seeing it.

      • Nephilium

        It’s probably more about the NoScript, I’ve got all of the Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc. scripts blocked.

      • Rhywun

        Oh shit yeah I don’t use NoScript either 🙂

        I used to, but I found it to be a hassle.

    • Naptown Bill

      It’s like he’s Tim Robbins towards the end of Jacob’s Ladder, like right before he starts to get it.

      Welcome aboard, Rico.

      • commodious spittoon

        To be sure.

    • Chipwooder

      Reading through there I saw another account that linked this video for instructional purposes. I have never seen that video before – why not? It involves smug white kids disrespecting and harassing an “elder”!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      It occurs to me that there’s a reason that the left media cannot admit they were wrong.

      When someone on the right or in a politically disfavored group apologizes, the left (and particularly the media) accept their apology as a bloody totem of victory. Which they then use to beat the apologizers with over the remaining course of their career.

      The leftist media cannot admit they were wrong and apologize because they view that as suicide. They would give no quarter, why would anyone else give it to them?

      • Chipwooder

        Power is the sine qua non of leftism. They are crazed in pursuit of it and will do or say anything, absolutely anything no matter how vile, to seize it. Admitting to mistakes in judgment and apologizing isn’t in their interests because it makes them look weak, and thus impedes their pursuit of power over everyone else.

      • Pan Zagloba

        It’s now attritional warfare. They’re hoping they can make normies go “you know, fuck the kids, fuck the Indians, fuck them all, I’m sick of it”.

  28. Agent Cooper

    OT: Paulina Porizkova is back on the market.

    • Pan Zagloba

      BEST! TIMELINE!

      Also dibs, I called it square.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        *places revolver to back of Zagloba’s head, calmly pulls trigger*

        MINE

      • Agent Cooper

        I was going to add “No one go and get arrested over this” but I see that would’ve been fruitless.

      • Nephilium

        I’m sure Scruffy has a MAGA hat to plant to show how violent Pan Zagloba was.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He smirked at me.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        *reads Paulina’s twitter feed*

        Nevermind, you can keep her. Good luck with that.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        +1 Show me a beautiful woman I’ll show you a man sick of her shit.

      • Pan Zagloba

        Down that path lies madness and Rex Harrison.

  29. mikey

    “…steel mill workers pausing to take selfies with molten ore…”
    Congrats Lach, you made Hat and Hair!