The Hat and The Hair: Episode 112

by | Mar 6, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 208 comments

How I felt watching Trump hug our flag

“I will now tell you the words of our grandmother,” Hillary said grandly. She bent painfully to put her ear to the lips of the tiny swaddled form. Hillary nodded and nodded and then turned to the cell meeting and raised her arms, bingo wings in majestic flight.

“She speaks to me, children!” Hillary said. “She speaks to me!”

A hush fell over the small knot of angry women, nervous women, the few that had bothered to show up.

“Grandmother says: ‘The days of darkness are nearly passed. The stars have come right and my Daughter shall ascend!’” Hillary was grinning so widely the bones of her skull threatened to push through.

“Me,” Hillary continued. “I am the Daughter, that’s me. I must run for President again!”

Two of the women clapped listlessly and one toward the back started crying; the rest were looking down at their feet or at the unmoving body on the dais with Hillary. They were in the basement of a DC townhouse and it was cold and lit with only one bare bulb.

“I shall take back what was stolen!” Hillary went on, oblivious to the lack of enthusiasm. “I shall heal this Trump-broken land! I will bring back the Elder Gods!”

Huma came clomping down the stairs in the silence that followed and said in a quiet voice, ”Sorry, I was putting the baby down.” She moved to stand beside Hillary and bumped the small riser that Grandmother was perched on. The tiny body rocked back and forth until Huma reached out and steadied her. She looked down at the ancient face, collapsing in on itself now, a fruit too long from the tree, brown and wrinkled and beginning to smell.

“The Elder Gods!” Hillary repeated, throwing up her arms again, and again hearing only the embarrassed shuffling of feet. Before she could begin to scold them, various text alerts went off all on the phones in the room. They all looked at their phones.

“What is that?” Hillary hissed. “I said no phones in the sacred chamber!” The sacred chamber had shelves lined with bulk packages of toilet paper, and diapers, and jars of murky pickled unspeakable horrors from damned dimensions birthed dead to poisoned wombs.

Huma looked at her phone. “It is a new tweet, beloved.”

“A tweet? A tweet?” Hillary asked voice edged with hysteria. “We stand in the presence of Grandmother and all the exiled Gods and they are reading a tweet?”

“Yes, beloved,” Huma said, shifting her weight from foot to foot like she needed to pee.

“Who from?” Hillary demanded.

“Her,” Huma said in a tiny voice.

“Her?” Hillary asked, voice rising. “HER?!?”

Huma nodded.

Hillary ground her teeth together and spoke through them. “Is she why there are so few women here tonight?”

Huma nodded and back away a few steps.

“Big-toothed, bug-eyed, bartendering whore,” Hillary muttered. She kicked Ruth’s corpse and it rolled off the dais, settling to the floor, nearly weightless, with a dry papery sigh.


 

“Oh! My! Gawd!” Sandy screeched and let a lime Jello shot slide from a small plastic cup into her cleavage and then shimmied. “It wiggles all the way down. OMG. OMG. LOL. #wiggle #socialism!”

The Democratic Socialists weekly vegan cupcake / booze bash was underway in a huge loft overlooking DUMBO.

“Have a cupcake, you guys!” Sandy shouted to a nervous knot of bearded anarcho-Marxists huddled together in the corner. The woman who was with them had a terrible fake beard, but no one had been gauche enough to point it out.

Sandy threw her arms around a young cis-het couple she didn’t know who had leaned in to talk to one anyone over the din of Ariana Grande remixes.

“OMG, I love you guys!” she yelled, pushing to get between them. She grabbed the man’s red Solo cup and drained it.

“I really need to pee!” she screamed at them. “Let’s take a selfie!” She held her phone out and yelled, “Say ‘SOCIALISM!’” She held them there taking photos until she got one she liked.

“OMG, you guys! Look!” she finally said, pointing at the floor. The now-warm Jello shot had worked its way out of her dress onto the teak floor of the loft, misshapen and slimy.

“OMG, you guys, that’s totally capitalism!” Sandy said and laughed and laughed, high and piercing, like an ice-pick, at her own joke while snapping dozens of pictures of the forlorn Jello shot for Instagram.


 

“Pat attention, Donald,” the hair said. “The Democratic primary field is very large.”

“Yuge,” Donald said. “Bigly and yuge.”

“OK, first, we have Amy Klobucher,” the hat said, circling her face with the laser pointer clamped to his bill.

“Ugh,” groaned the hair.

“Is that the lesbian one?” Donald asked.

“No, she’s just ugly,” the hat said. “Pay attention.”

Donald grimaced and sank down into his chair. “They all look like lesbians. And not the hot kind,” he muttered.

“Kamala’s not too bad looking,” the hair said.

“Kamala?!?” the hat squeaked. “I wouldn’t fuck her with Chris’ dick.”

“Who’s Chris?” the hair asked.

“Kamala was with Willie Brown, fucking her way to the top of the California shitheap,” the hat said darkly. “You never want Willie Brown’s sloppy seconds.”

“Oh, c’mon,” the hair said.

“No, seriously,” the hat said. “Willie makes an NBA player look like a WNBA player in terms of sexual partners. And he has the most diseased dick ever. I heard he once gave herpes to a strain of syphilis. Not someone with syphilis, but like a syphilis strain itself that now has Willie Brown herpes. Herphilis. Makes you itchy and crazy.”

“That’s just an urban legend,” the hair said.

“You end up scratching your junk until it falls right off!” the hat said.

“NO!” Donald screamed, clutching his mushroom farm.

“That’s why you need to pay attention, Donald,” the hat said. “Do you want someone like that running the country? Some dirty girl with diseases?”

“She’d get them all over the flag!” Donald said, the distress cracking his voice. “I love the flag!”

Donald began to weep softly and the hair rubbed his scalp until he calmed down. The hat spent the rest of the afternoon using the laser pointer to try and blind the clerical staff as they entered the Oval Office.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

208 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    bingo wings

    *bites lip thoughtfully*

    Go on…

    • commodious spittoon

      Never heard the term, but it’s instantly recognizable. LOL.

  2. l0b0t

    Bloody brilliant.

    • commodious spittoon

      SF’s never a slouch, but this one is great even by his standard.

  3. Fourscore

    “shelves lined with bulk packages of toilet paper, and diapers”

    This guy knows old people

    /looks around sheepishly/

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “Is that the lesbian one?” Donald asked.

    “No, she’s just ugly,” the hat said. “Pay attention.”

    A mistake easily made, post-Obama.

    • Drake

      I think of her as the other really bitchy one.

  5. Tres Cool

    Why does “The woman who was with them had a terrible fake beard, but no one had been gauche enough to point it out.” remind me of this?

    • Nephilium

      Were you eating fish at the time?

    • Spartacus

      It was Krugman, right?

  6. Spudalicious

    “She looked down at the ancient face, collapsing in on itself now, a fruit too long from the tree, brown and wrinkled and beginning to smell.“

    Literary goosebumps.

      • Nephilium

        What, you never made apple dolls in grade school?

  7. Sean

    Excellent! 5/5.

  8. kinnath

    Uh, gelatin is not vegan.

    • commodious spittoon

      I’d trust “Farting Cows” Cortez to take veganism as seriously as she takes anything else: half-assed or lying, take your pick.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Vegan gelatin is a thing. Made from agar.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I didn’t know eating this would be vegan.

      • Old Man With Candy

        You disappointed me by not linking this.

    • SugarFree

      Only the cupcakes are vegan.

      It’s like you’ve never even been to an imaginary meeting of The Democratic Socialist of America before. smdh

      • kinnath

        I am so out of touch with the younger generations.

  9. creech

    Can’t wait to see what they have to say about Tulsi, Hickenpooper, etc.

    • SugarFree

      Aren’t Hickenloopers the reason you are supposed to wear flip-flops in the shower at the gym?

  10. CPRM

    Huzzah!

  11. Old Man With Candy

    Every time I think, “Wow, this is as good as it can get,” you prove me wrong.

  12. ron73440

    I heard he once gave herpes to a strain of syphilis.

    Almost spit out my sandwich.

    Well done, as always.

  13. Creosote Achilles

    herphilis

    That one word encapsulates so much.

  14. Rebel Scum

    Classic.

  15. Spudalicious

    Willie was a well known cocksman. Liberal as hell, but damn that guy had panache.

  16. Ed Wuncler

    “I heard he once gave herpes to a strain of syphilis. Not someone with syphilis, but like a syphilis strain itself that now has Willie Brown herpes…”

    Truly a wordsmith. Bravo SugarFree

  17. Tundra

    The hat spent the rest of the afternoon using the laser pointer to try and blind the clerical staff as they entered the Oval Office.

    I love The Hat.

    Love.

    • Fourscore

      I invited my bee partner to the meetup, if that works. Jimbo met him, he’s a lib, may be a lurker, make him a glib. Lives in Blaine, your age.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I bet we can turn him. If the weather is nice, we can subliminally link libertarian ideas to hot gals in yoga pants.

        BTW, is he hitched yet? If not, we might have to rethink the meetup place. I’d hate for him to realize what a mistake he’s making and run off with three yoga pants gals. Since his fiance/wife is a Korean too, I’m sure that would circle back to get me in trouble with my wife.

        *The coffee shop we plan to meetup at is next door to a yoga studio. Last time we met up, Tundra was a bit late and got the seat facing away from the yoga studio. He’s been miffed ever since. If you ask him, he will tell you he chose that seat because his a paragon of virtuousness and that Fourscore and I are dirty lechs. (so he is 50% right).

      • Fourscore

        I’m thinking Tundra is less than a 1/3 right. He complained of a stiff “neck” for a few days after wards. The odd couple aren’t married yet but is in some distant plan.

        Kurt works in Bloomington but maybe not too close to T’s old haunt, Jefferson/Kennedy area.

        Some things we never get too old for, if leering becomes a crime some of us will be with Merle, doing life without parole.

      • Tundra

        Great! We can fix him!

      • Pope Jimbo

        Do we want to? If we educate him too much, he might realize he’s the orphan in the bee mine and try to rebel against Fourscore.

        Then how would we get our honey?

      • Fourscore

        If we’re smart we’ll let him do all the work and convince him its for the good of the 4 Musketeers to share and share alike. Should be easy, we’ll do it democratically, through a vote.

      • Tundra

        Nah, we are skilled enough to Glibanize him without endangering the honey flow.

      • slumbrew

        The honey must flow.

      • Fourscore

        Any word from Leap? Make a great meet up into a super great one

      • Tundra

        Looks like he’s gonna make it.

      • Fourscore

        Then super great !

    • Swiss Servator

      I was hoping he would set Bolton’s mustache on fire.

  18. Naptown Bill

    The worst part about these is I can’t even explain to people who aren’t familiar with them why I find them so damn funny.

      • Spudalicious

        Ah yes, memories.

        “Soon Rex will be feeding you all the Rogaine you want. The really thick and creamy kind too. The good stuff.”

    • tarran

      It really is a form of perversion isn’t it? We love it. Most people are appalled, and wrongly so.

    • CPRM

      Use the cartoon as a gateway drug, the way I intended it.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Legacy of hate

    The Senate has just confirmed Allison Rushing, a nominee who once interned with the Alliance Defending Freedom, as a judge for the Fourth Circuit. Rushing, 37, is the latest appeals court judge whom Republicans have been intent to push through, even as Democrats have criticized her limited experience as well as her past work with ADF, an organization that the Southern Poverty Law Center has labeled a hate group for its efforts backing the “recriminalization of homosexuality in the U.S.”

    ————

    Additionally, left-leaning activist groups including the Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights have raised concerns about her previous time working with ADF, a group that has helped defend businesses’ ability to discriminate against LGBTQ individuals. Republicans, meanwhile, have praised the experience she has had and touted her work filing briefs to the Supreme Court.

    Surprise. SPLC doesn’t like her. Damn gender traitors, won’t stay on the plantation.

    • slumbrew

      The judicial appointments bending the curve back from the left a bit will probably be the longest-lasting positive impact from this administration.

      Not that they’ll also make rulings we hate, but a steady march to the left can’t be good.

      • slumbrew

        (I need a preview button)

        “Not that they won’t also…”

    • Rasilio

      So I am not familiar with the ADF organization, were they legitimately advocating for making homosexuality a crime or is that just your run of the mill SPLC lie?

      • Nephilium

        Doing a quick check on Wikipedia:

        In 2016, the ADF was designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) due to ADF’s filing of an amicus brief in the 2003 U.S. Supreme Court case Lawrence v. Texas.[10] ADF president Michael Farris called the SPLC’s designation a “troubling smear” and “slander”.

        So not necessarily a group of good people, but I do notice the hate group designation came 13 years after the filling.

      • Chipwooder

        I don’t know anything about this ADF, and I know the SPLC is a joke, but Mike Farris is a fucking loon. He ran for lieutenant governor here in the ’90s. A real Jerry Falwell type, who infamously wanted the Wizard of Oz banned from schools for promoting witchcraft.

      • Nephilium

        That makes me less hopeful for this judge (depending on what the work performed for the ADF was).

      • ron73440

        Wizard of Oz banned from schools for promoting witchcraft.

        It does though.

      • Raven Nation

        Quick check on ADF’s website, and it looks like they want to restore DOMA, but I can’t see anything about re-criminalizing homosexuality itself.

        TBF, the Vox column doesn’t provide a link to the SPLC statement either so who knows if that quote is even in context or complete.

      • Rasilio

        Yeah, I get being against gay marriage. Not my position but I wouldn’t say anyone who opposed it was somehow a bad person or unfit for office in any way, actually wanting to throw people in jail for being gay is something else entirely and would make her unfit for office IMO but the left in general and especially the SPLC in particular is so dishonest I have a hard time believing that the ADF, or really much of anyone for that matter has supported making homosexuality illegal in this country since the mid 90’s.

    • Rebel Scum

      a group that has helped defend businesses’ ability to discriminate against LGBTQ individuals.

      Or, you know, an individuals right to own his/her labor and contract it at will.

      • R C Dean

        Or, perhaps even a minimalistic requirement that only Congress can add protected classes to our anti-discrimination laws, which currently prohibit “sex” discrimination, but do not prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or preference, or gender creativity.

        I believe there is a bill pending right now to make the change. I actually expect it to pass, although I have no idea how badly it is drafted or overbroad it is.

        Fun fact: under “disparate impact” requirements (also not authorized by Congress, but a creation of the courts and regulatory agencies), some (many?) accommodations provided to Gender-Creative Americans are prohibited sex discrimination against women because M to F is by far the most common creative gender and accommodating it has a disparate impact on actual women.

  20. Drake

    Donald grimaced and sank down into his chair. “They all look like lesbians. And not the hot kind,”

    My thoughts exactly – Including the men running for Dem nomination.

  21. robc

    I have a this thought that somehow some big publisher is going to stumble on this site and throw money at SF to publish a Hat and Hair collection.

    • commodious spittoon

      If by “big publisher” you mean activist outfit and by “throw money” you mean make it rain C&Ds.

    • Ted S.

      The reaction from YA Twitter is going to be epic.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    So I am not familiar with the ADF organization, were they legitimately advocating for making homosexuality a crime or is that just your run of the mill SPLC lie?

    I know nothing about ADF. I do, however, know a little bit about SPLC…

    • Rhywun

      They don’t like sodomy, which is of course not the same thing.

    • ron73440

      I know nothing about ADF. I do, however, know a little bit about SPLC…

      ^THIS

      SPLC, ACLU, and the Democratic Party keep sending me mailers and I keep ripping them up and returning them in the provided postage paid envelopes, but it hasn’t stopped any of them yet.

      • Pope Jimbo

        When I was a kid there was a book about how to “Get Even” that had all sorts of dirty tricks that you could play on The Man or other squares who worked for The Man.

        One of the funny stories was how some hippy would get a bunch of those pre-paid envelopes from oil companies that were trying to get you to sign up for a gas card and would plaster a bunch of them on a box full of rocks. He’d also write “geological samples” and “COD” on the box and drop it off at the post office.

      • DrOtto

        Try wrapping a brick in brown paper, then attach the envelope containing the shredded letter to the paper wrapped brick to the party in question. Capital One got the message quick through this method.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    I have a this thought that somehow some big publisher is going to stumble on this site and throw money at SF to publish a Hat and Hair collection.

    Is Ralph Steadman still around?

    • Nephilium

      He is. And still working with Flying Dog last I heard.

  24. Hyperion

    “bug-eyed, bartendering whore”

    We need an episode featuring Gulag Barbie. She’s famous now, you know! She’s the future!

    • Pope Jimbo

      Speaking of next gen Congrrrrrrls!

      The resolution the Dems were going to submit condemning anti-semitism has been revised.

      It will now condemn anit-islamic hatred too.

      Pelosi and Majority Leader Steny Hoyer announced in a meeting of leading Democrats late Tuesday that the text will be updated to include anti-Muslim bias, according to a senior Democratic aide who spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss the private meeting. Other Democrats said an outpouring of support for Omar prompted leaders to consider broadening the measure to avoid dissension. Omar did not speak to reporters outside her office on Tuesday evening.

      Is this the moment when Pelosi realizes that she has lost the grip on the tiger’s tail that she used to ride back into the Speakership? If you can’t spank an idiot freshman pol from an inconsequential state like Minnesoda, isn’t it proof that the crazies are now free range crazies?

      • Q Continuum

        You mean they can’t control the monster they created? UNPOSSIBLE.

      • R C Dean

        I suspect its less because Omar has much stroke, as it is because a lot of Dems are OK with anti-semitism in general.

        This next election is going to be interesting. Assuming the economy stays OK (and our investment advisers aren’t seeing a recession in the cards in the next year or so), it will be pure culture war, red in tooth and claw. Assuming the Repubs generally are willing to fight to the knife, the Dems are giving them a whole lot of ammo to use. A whole lot. Next year should be an easy year to be a Repub candidate; just ask your opponent if they support or oppose the multitudinous lunatic proposals and egregious misbehavior by their fellow Dems. Force them to either disown their colleagues and their ideas, or sign up for some crazy shit.

      • Creosote Achilles

        Assumes facts not in evidence, that the Republicans have balls.

      • Lord Humungus

        something something stupid party

      • Old Man With Candy

        More likely Team Red doubles down with different but equally stupid shit.

      • Pope Jimbo

        ^THIS^

        My bet is on abortion. The GOP will decide this is the perfect time to demand a complete and total ban on abortion. They will also fill their messaging on the issue out with “rape-rape” and other silliness.

        Second choice would be to go full war boner on Iran, Syria or some other shit hole. Demand to put lots of boots on the ground.

        Although the West Virginia GOP might be a dark horse candidate with their recent campaign to make a martyr out of Omar.

      • R C Dean

        You will note that at no point did I assume the Repubs would be smart or ballsy or generally competent. “Next year should be an easy year to be a Repub candidate”.

        Past performance may not guarantee future results, but its the way to bet. A Repub Party that threw away Senate seats and control of the House last fall can certainly be expected to do the same next year.

  25. Hyperion

    So, Maduro has closed the German embassy and detained a Murican journalist. This guy has a plan, he’s playing 445 dimensional chess.

    • Rebel Scum

      his guy has a plan

      A plan to get wrecked.

    • Jarflax

      So will the press push for action against Maduro over this journalist the way they did against bin Salman after Kashoggi? Magic 8 ball says “Don’t Count on it”

  26. Raven Nation

    I missed this last month, but guess who turned 40 this year?

  27. The Late P Brooks

    Natsoc Propaganda Radio pukes up their hobgoblin of the day.

    At first, you might not realize the flyer was put there by a white supremacy group.

    The poster, in shades of black, white and teal, features Andrew Jackson on horseback. The accompanying text reads: “European roots, American greatness.”

    Flyers like this, posted across the country by American neo-Nazi and white supremacist group Identity Evropa are popping up far more than they used to. Others feature George Washington. According to a new report by the Anti-Defamation League, white supremacy propaganda increased by 182 percent in 2018 compared with the year before.

    Oh, no. Roughly tripled. From three to nine? From twenty to sixty?

    Spoiler alert: ADL counted 1,187 incidents of propaganda in 2018, up from 421 incidents in 2017. While college campuses remain a primary target, most of the increase occurred off of college campuses, with 868 incidents in 2018, up from 129 the year before. The alt-right also uses banners to promote its message, the ADL said, counting 32 instances of white supremacist banners hung in high-visibility locations such as highway overpasses.

    OMG an epidemic! All of these so-called white supremacist terror incidents have been thoroughly investigated, and verified as legitimate, right?

    The frequent subtlety of the flyers is intentional, and represents a shift in the way white supremacy groups are attempting to spread their ideology, the ADL reports.

    “If you know what you’re looking at, the white supremacists banners, stickers and fliers clearly convey racism, anti-Semitism and Islamophobia,” ADL senior investigative researcher Carla Hill wrote in Politico. “But the messaging is not always overtly hateful.”

    Everywhere they look, they see what they’re looking for. Totally legit.

    • Pope Jimbo

      If you know what you’re looking at

      So I wonder how many of those new white supremacist sightings involved someone making an “OK” hand gesture? Also wonder if you have to use those special SPLC-ray specs to spot the reason why Ilhan Omar’s comments are “provacative” and not straight up anti-semitism?

    • ron73440

      ADL counted 1,187 incidents of propaganda in 2018, up from 421 incidents in 2017. While college campuses remain a primary target, most of the increase occurred off of college campuses, with 868 incidents in 2018, up from 129 the year before. The alt-right also uses banners to promote its message, the ADL said, counting 32 instances of white supremacist banners hung in high-visibility locations such as highway overpasses.

      OH NO!!! PROPAGANDA!!!

      I hope no other groups would stoop so low.

      • Rhywun

        A banner bit my sister once.

      • ron73440

        Was she carving her initials into it?

    • ChipsnSalsa

      Evropa

      Sounds like a Crossfit gym.

    • Hyperion

      So, European roots don’t lead to greatness? But they said that all white European nations are the greatest ever, paradise in fact. Or did I miss something about their beloved Sweden and Denmark?

    • Hyperion

      “Oh, no. Roughly tripled. From three to nine?”

      I’d put the number not staged by lefties at much closer to zero.

    • Rebel Scum

      incidents of propaganda

      These happen all day every day on the MSM.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    Identity Evropa — designated as a white nationalist hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center — focuses on encouraging white people to embrace their shared racial identity.

    Huh. Never even saw that coming.

    • Gustave Lytton

      How is that different than any other race/ethnic/sex/gender/whatever group?

      • Naptown Bill

        That question’s rhetorical, right? I mean, I’ve been told going to Highland Games is suspiciously like embracing white supremacy.

      • Chipwooder

        Celtic supremacy!

      • Swiss Servator

        Ale supremacy, haggis supremacy, etc.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        A point D’Souza made 25 years ago in Illiberal Education.

      • Q Continuum

        Because MUH TOKSIK WYTNISS

  29. R C Dean

    Conversation this morning:

    Chief Nursing Officer: I think the issue is that we need a hospital nurse, and she identifies as a psych nurse.

    Me: Is that one of those new genders I keep hearing about?

    CNO: *prolonged silence, sighs, shakes head*

    • Tundra

      We really aren’t a good fit for 2019, are we?

  30. R C Dean

    Sorry, I was putting the baby down.

    You mean *points finger gun at temple, drops thumb hammer*?

    • SugarFree

      The child Huma had at Hillary’s behest that was to serve as the human vessel for an Elder God after Her Ascension to the presidency, now just a toddler with an unmoored soul.

      • Spudalicious

        Ahhh. Future proggy then.

    • commodious spittoon

      It’s not a baby, it’s a clump of cells.

  31. leon

    Sandy said and laughed and laughed, high and piercing, like an ice-pick,

    Nice touch. Fantastic SF.

    • Tacit Rainbow

      She’s hot to trotsky.

      • Jarflax

        She just needs a man as hard as steel.

    • MikeS

      Ghosn could be released within a couple days, although prosecutors are appearing the decision and are demanding that he stay in jail.

      Interesting typo…

    • kinnath

      Carlos saved Nissan. I hope the nips don’t fuck it back up.

      • Drake

        I hope they do at this point. It was a palace coup by back-stabbers.

      • kinnath

        Right, but I drive Nissans because I like Nissans.

        So the assholes that engineered the coup deserve to be punished, but that has consequences for lots of third parties that don’t deserve punishment — like everyone that builds, distributes, and buys the vehicles.

    • Sensei

      WSJ has been pretty vocal as well.

  32. Q Continuum

    I would make rough love to SE Cupp’s rear.

    Otherwise, she’s annoying as hell.

    • ron73440

      I tried to watch one episode of her show because Dave Smith and Andy Levy were on it, but I couldn’t make it through her opening monologue because of her TDS.

      Clips Dave plays on Part of the Problem have shown that do be a wise decision.

      • Rebel Scum

        She used to be sane.

    • Chipwooder

      She’s fine as hell, and also dumb as hell.

    • Spudalicious

      There are many parts of her that I would make rough love to.

    • commodious spittoon

      “We just have to work faster to meet the same goals in less time earn the higher wage,” the worker said.

      Imagine that.

    • hate_speech

      Wait, they’re getting more money / hour, and had their hours cut. So they’re making the same amount but have more free time? And they’re fucking complaining?

      • commodious spittoon

        I’d be pretty pissed if I got a $1 raise but lost a third of my hours.

        But then, I wouldn’t be working a retail job and expecting to support a four-person family.

      • commodious spittoon

        Hell, from a business perspective, this $15 minimum wage is pretty terrific: cut a bunch of positions, blow off the chaff, tighten the job market for workers who can actually justify earning that much, and pay them less overall for the same amount of work, while posturing as a super woke company.

      • hate_speech

        So what you’re saying is that Whole Foods is more ruthless to its employees now than when it was owned by a libertarian?

        I’m always amazed when I say that it’s a requirement for your employer to make more money off your labor then they pay you, and people start to argue. If you want charity, go to a charity and beg for scraps.

      • hate_speech

        The $1 was if you were already making $15/hr though. If you were making $10/hr, you got $5 raise. At least where I come from, that’s about what the average hipster working there was getting paid. So if you lost 10 hours at your old rate, that’s $100, but $5 * 20 (your new hours) is $100. Same rate. That is the break point though. If you were making more than $10/hr already, you are losing money.

        Oh well, screw em. They almost certainly were all in support of mandating this pay raise as the new minimum wage. We can only hope it causes them to pause and think about the effects of their preferred policies while they still have the option of finding a new employer.

      • commodious spittoon

        Ahh—right you are, I misread. In that case, to hell with ’em.

      • Hyperion

        Billionaires, not fair, something something…

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      It’s art. The best art is transgressive so I’ve been told. What can be more transgressive than white supremacy?

      • kinnath

        The best humor is transgressive.

        Art, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

      • Chipwooder

        Being transgressive is celebrated by all the right people, so long as the right things are being transgressed.

      • Fourscore

        Is a trangressive something like M to F and super pissed off? I can’t keep up with all the genders any more.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I think that transgressive is someone who hasn’t had any work done, but is ugly enough to be mistaken for the opposite sex and gets really fucking pissy about xer pronouns.

        But I’m not a great intersectional mind.

      • Jarflax

        Call me Ma’am!!!!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Wait, so this is underage drinking and the arrangement of the cups is the big deal? No mention of the homeowner’s use of the house? No mention of who supplied the alcohol?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        I believe it was Badolf Hilter’s home.

      • Chipwooder

        Mr. Bimmler was supposed to be watching the place while Mr. Hilter was invading Poland.

      • Swiss Servator

        That is in Minehead, right?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Ja

      • Chipwooder

        North Minehead, I believe. I see the problem – you were looking at a map of Stalingrad!

      • Hyperion

        Pure genius on the underage drinkers part.

        ‘What, underage drinking?, no we weren’t dri… hey, there was Nazi stuff in the house!

      • Gustave Lytton

        They’ve even got the school focusing on that part. Genius kids these days. If they had any stones, they’d claim it was for a school project or doing Bellamy salutes.

      • invisible finger

        Swasticups!

    • Ted S.

      I figured it was more like a rainbow party.

    • ron73440

      Nowhere in the article did it talk about the numbers and where the plastic in the ocean comes from.

      If I were a betting man I would think very little comes from the U.S.

      Also, the Guardian’s request for money made me see my own brain stem:

      Free for those who can’t afford it
      Supported by those who can

      • Raven Nation

        From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs

      • LJW

        I want to say less than 1% comes from the US. I can’t find the exact numbers but China contributes by far the most, followed by several other Asian and South American countries.

      • Naptown Bill

        That seems about right. My wife is working on a project about microplastics and when you claw your way past the virtue-signalling and the Sarah McLaughlin dolphins stuck in tires or whatever what it comes down to is that a lot of the plastic we ship to Asia to be dealt with falls off barges, or gets rejected by Chinese manufacturers and tossed.

      • R C Dean

        So, its plastic that is kept out of landfills because its supposed to be recycled?

        If I’m following, without the recycling virtue signalling exercise, there would be less plastic in the oceans?

      • tarran

        Yes.

        Just was without the attempts to forestall climate change which we think might threaten migratory species a hundred years from now with extinction due to habitat loss, we wouldn’t be building windmill farms that destroy hundreds of thousands of hectares of wilderness and chops up any bird unfortunate enough to migrate past them.

    • Nephilium

      Try the all new Ban Buster Buster! (link NSFW due to a plethora of vulgarities).

  33. The Late P Brooks

    There’s disingenuous argumentation, and then there’s CNN

    In fact, what appears to have happened is that Williams — who was not a member of the university community — wandered onto the campus and got into a political quarrel with another person, who was also not a member of the university community. The man who allegedly assaulted Williams was promptly arrested. Berkeley released a statement explaining that the incident was being “willfully distorted and inaccurately reported” and that the campus remained committed to freedom of expression.

    ———–

    Yale history professor Timothy Snyder explains in “The Road to Unfreedom” that authoritarian takeovers begin with the would-be authoritarian “suppressing factuality.” He explains how modern-day authoritarians, even aspiring ones, have devised ingenious methods for torpedoing truth.

    Perhaps the best example of that is Russian President Vladimir Putin, whose techniques include overwhelming his people with what RAND researchers Christopher Paul and Miriam Matthews refer to as a “firehose of falsities.” Putin allows the truth to be presented to the Russian people, but he crowds the truth with so many lies that people become confused and cannot sort out the truth from the lies. Eventually people give up trying. When people can no longer distinguish truth from lies, the public sphere necessary for democracy breaks down.

    In this scenario, it’s impossible to speak truth to power. And this is why American universities need to do their best to shield against the spread of disinformation — and to create spaces for serious conversations grounded in truth.

    Of course, I understand that those on the far right — people like climate-change deniers, Milo Yiannopoulos and others — are frustrated that universities are not always inviting places for their ideas. But if they want their ideas to be taken seriously, then they must make more persuasive and factually-based arguments for the validity of those ideas. People who stand on a university platform or whose work appears in the pages of well-respected journals have earned — not demanded — their right to be there. It’s time for the far right to do the same.

    Should Trump actually hand down such an order, universities will most likely find themselves embroiled in lawsuits as they continue treading the path between protecting serious debate about the issues of the day and giving people who want to spread lies a license to poison the debate.

    All you have to do to be allowed to speak on campus is say things we agree with.
    Otherwise, you’re a right wing extremist ideologue.

    It’s simple, really. Why can’t you understand?

    • SugarFree

      People who stand on a university platform or whose work appears in the pages of well-respected journals have earned — not demanded — their right to be there.

      Can you imagine the brainwashed douchegargler who could say this with a straight face?

      • SugarFree

        Teri Kanefield is a UC Berkeley-trained lawyer and the author of numerous books, including a biography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the winner of the 2015 Jane Addams Book Award, “The Girl from the Tar Paper School.”

        Never mind. She asked for seconds when the Flavor-Aid was passed around.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        UC Berkeley-trained lawyer

        say no more.

      • LJW

        Fine then take all tax payer dollars out of those universities.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Thou shall not challenge the priest caste.

    • Fatty Bolger

      CNN: FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

    • Hyperion

      The mistake is paying any attention to these insufferable assholes to start with. There is no hope for them. The only cure is to let them continue to retard in their bubbles while we create alternative education establishments. Turning around 100 years of this intellectual rot is not even possible.

    • ron73440

      She explains the Milo protests very honestly:

      people protesting intolerance were accused of being intolerant because they shunned ideas like white supremacy.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I vividly remember being accosted by all the local tankies at Hopkins and Harvard.

      Nobody ever beat the shit out of them or told them they couldn’t be there. Although Harvard did limit their presence to the street between the quad and the cafeteria.

      • Pope Jimbo

        For us rubes out here on the prairie, what is a tankie?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Stalin apologist

      • Pope Jimbo

        Uffda. I don’t think we have any of them round here. Winters are probably too cold for them to take root.

      • Pope Jimbo

        He was an Iron Ranger. They aren’t real Minnesodans, so he doesn’t count.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And to think that the British Union of Fascists has been dead since 1940 but those guys above are still around.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        These are the ones that troll the Harvard campus.

        https://www.bostoncommunists.org/

        The Baltimore commies are too stupid to have a website.

      • kinnath

        It’s one thing to say real socialism hasn’t been tried yet. These people are stupid.

        It’s another to celebrate the October Revolution of 1917. These people are evil.

      • Drake

        Do they drive the brand new Peoples’ truck across the Peoples’ bridge to put the Chairman’s word on every rock, tree, and animal for miles until they run out of the Peoples’ gas?
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qLzQ4uOvio&t=96s

    • Ted S.

      In fact, what appears to have happened is that Williams — who was not a member of the university community — wandered onto the campus

      Doesn’t matter; it’s public property.

  34. The Late P Brooks

    Can you imagine the brainwashed douchegargler who could say this with a straight face?

    Yes. Yes, I can.

    Teri Kanefield is a UC Berkeley-trained lawyer and the author of numerous books, including a biography of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the winner of the 2015 Jane Addams Book Award, “The Girl from the Tar Paper School.”

    There’s a photo, too, if you have a strong stomach.

    • Hyperion

      “The Girl from the Tar Paper School.”

      I bet that one’s hard to put down.

  35. Brochettaward

    I thought the hat and hair died, or was that canonical?

    • Spudalicious

      That was from a different timeline, or a SugarFree fever dream.

  36. The Late P Brooks

    The mistake is paying any attention to these insufferable assholes to start with. There is no hope for them. The only cure is to let them continue to retard in their bubbles while we create alternative education establishments. Turning around 100 years of this intellectual rot is not even possible.

    Bubble doesn’t even begin to describe it. I labored through part of that New York Magazine story (linked a couple of times, recently) about a party with a bunch of upper middle class New York City hipster socialists. Alluded to, above, in fact. Those people are so uniform in their thought and opinions, they make the North Koreans look like a bunch of anarchists.

    • Brochettaward

      I’d like to think that most North Koreans simply parrot the party line out of fear and so that their meager rations won’t be cut. The hipster socialists are just true idiots.

    • Nephilium

      Anarchy in the NK?

    • Chipwooder

      And yet those people almost certainly think of themselves as daring, edgy, and transgressive.

  37. Chipwooder

    This is kind of hilarious – I haven’t paid much attention to this Captain Marvel foolishness because I was never into comic books, thus I couldn’t care less about comic book movies. Still, it’s funny to see the ways even the Rotten Tomatoes “top critics” are straining to avoid giving this movie a bad review. Examples of the “fresh!” review blurbs:

    A plucky and pleasing, if predictable, excursion that burns brightly, if briefly.

    The girl power (and grrl power) ring out loud and clear, if a bit hollow.

    As shaky and unfocused as “Captain Marvel” often seems, it manages to reach its destination with confidence. In the end, Larson sticks the landing, albeit with something more muted than absolute triumph.

    More of a solid building block for future endeavors than a must-see solo adventure.

    “Captain Marvel” ultimately feels more obligatory than inspired, a movie that basically gets the job done and little more.

    And those are some of the positive reviews!

    • Brochettaward

      “Captain Marvel” ultimately feels more obligatory than inspired, a movie that basically gets the job done and little more.

      Sort of like every other Marvel movie which is just a vehicle to get to the next Marvel movie. These are the same people who tried to sell Black Panther as some revolutionary endeavor when it followed the same plot as every other Marvel movie…just with black people.

    • invisible finger

      Critics are raving about Captain Marvel:

      “The Mrs. Doubtfire of super-hero movies!”

      “The Tootsie of super-hero movies”

      “The Seven-Year Itch of Super-hero movies!”

      “The Bosom Buddies of superhero movies!”

      • Ted S.

        You mean “Some Like It Hot”, not “The Seven Year Itch”.

      • invisible finger

        Ah fuck.

  38. Scruffy Nerfherder

    it manages to reach its destination with confidence

    Sounds like me when I go to bed.

  39. The Late P Brooks

    And yet those people almost certainly think of themselves as daring, edgy, and transgressive.

    Perfectly delighted to sacrifice *you* on the Altar of Diversity.

  40. The Late P Brooks

    The Baltimore commies are too stupid to have a website.

    Do they have flyers, or posters?

    What about a banner?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Flyers and tinfoil hats as I recall

  41. Rasilio

    I guess I am finally somebody, Just got my first comment banned on Quora.

    • Drake

      Is that a Mexican restaurant?

      • SugarFree

        Not really, just a burrito place.

  42. Chipwooder

    baaahahahaha….the deep thoughts of Linda Sarsour regarding Nancy Pelosi:

    Nancy is a typical white feminist upholding the patriarchy doing the dirty work of powerful white men.

    “…a typical white feminist”, spoken by a woman with a complexion somewhere between milk and chalk.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Picking a fight with Nancy?

      *grabs popcorn*

      Nancy is from a long line of Baltimore politicians. She does not play nice.

    • Hyperion

      You’re not really white unless you’re a racist sexist deplorable. She’s some shade of woke.

  43. The Late P Brooks

    Nancy is from a long line of Baltimore politicians. She does not play nice.

    I’ll go out on a limb and say Nancy is not the sort of person to suffer an indignity inflicted upon her by an uppity waitress with quiet grace and a stiff upper lip.

    • slumbrew

      I like to amuse myself by imagining Nancy reacting to these sorts of things as Lucille Bluth

      • SugarFree

        “Would it kill you to let one bottle of vodka go bad?”

    • Old Man With Candy

      Not just a long line of Baltimore politicians, a long line of fabulously corrupt and Mafia-connected politicians.