“These are the best sports stars we have?” the hat asked too loudly. “A bunch of dykes and some Wimbledon jailbait?”
“What?” the hair asked. “Coco is adorable.”
“No,” the hat said. “No, no, no, no. Read me. Read what is on me, on my body. ‘Make America Great Again.’ There’s nothing great about a bunch of Title IX clitflickers kicking a Eurofag ball around.”
“Oh, c’mon.”
“It’s boring. It’s a boring sport. That’s a goddamn scientific fact.” The hat crawled to the Diet Coke button on the desk and humped it for emphasis.
“It’s the most popular sport in the wor…”
“BOOORRRRING! And ugly girls. So ugly. What’s her name, Rapenow? Woof. She looks like a Subaru hood ornament!”
“Alex Morgan is gorgeous,” the hair said. “She’s America’s ex-girlfriend, the one you never really ever get over. And she’s married to a guy. A straight guy.”
“Bait and fucking switch. It’s like a roller derby team, one or two hot Suicide Girls and the rest look like tattooed hams.”
“You’re just cruel.”
“You just can’t handle my brutal truths.”
“What I can’t handle is when you get like this,” the hair said. “It hurts me. It just hurts me.”
“You moan like a merkin.”
“Code Red!” Donald screamed as he ran into the Oval Office.
“And Ariel is black?” the hat asked. “What the fuck is that shit? We can’t get a fucking hot redhead?”
“Code Red! Code Red!” Donald said again, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“What is it, Donald?” the hair asked.
“The courts! They said I can’t block people on Twitter!”
“I can’t block people on Twitter?” the hat asked, outraged. “Fucking commie judges.”
“The First Amendment…” the hair said.
“Stop being the voice of reason!” the hat raged. “It’s such a thin basis for a character!”
“You’re a talking hat! Totally unrealistic!!”
“The sentient hair says I’m not realistic!” the hat screamed. “Not realistic! Ha!”
“Advise me, dammit,” Donald demanded.
“Get off Twitter,” the hair snapped. “It’s full of retards and journalists, which are just a fancy type of retard.”
“I am not a retard!” the hat screamed.
The closest White House secretary to the Oval Office crept forward and pulled the door closed as quietly as she could.
Tattooed hams, you say? I saw a couple of those in Bozeman, yesterday.
Knocked it out of the park with the first line:
“These are the best sports stars we have?” the hat asked too loudly. “A bunch of dykes and some Wimbledon jailbait?”
Also, I will attempt to use the term ‘clitflicker’ sometime today at the office.
Already used it… Was well received by the clitflicker I mentioned it to…
I am gonna gain massive “lesbian trapped in a man’s body” points, or I will be telling HR to suck my nads and that I am going to go work elsewhere.
“Bait and fucking switch. It’s like a roller derby team, one or two hot Suicide Girls and the rest look like tattooed hams.”
Ouch.
I’m sure Mrs. TOK is the Suicide Girl in this scenario.
Yes, she is.
*Resumes deep breathing*
Yeah, that one is going to reverberate through the cosmos for a while.
That is both cruel and hilarious.
I am going with “hilarious and cruel”.
????
A talking hat and a sentient hairpiece arguing about realism. I love it!
The fourth wall is getting a little thin there. Possibly something to do with dimensional erosion from the presence of Old Ones.
She looks like a Subaru hood ornament!
Thin and meta.
I noticed.
That might possibly be the worst picture of Alex Morgan ever taken. Which says a lot.
Yeah, I went for patriotic rather than flat out hot. It’s just crazy how cute that woman is.
Am I alone in finding O’Hara cute as a button? Is it just my Irish genes?
I find it hard to believe you guys even watch those clitflicking Eurofags.
Are you saying you’re totally uninterested in clickflicking? Because that’s not what the NSA says…
Don’t confuse clit ‘flicking’, which is Eurofag shit, with clit ‘licking’, which is totally 100% American apple pie MAGA!
Can a man dream that a ME TOO moment occurred with the flag saving girl and Alex in the showers after the game and it was all miraculously caught on tape?
I’ll buy that for a dollar.
I’d pay a lot more than a dollar….
*shhh* you’ll drive the price up
Oh…we weren’t talking exclusive rights?
That would be Kelley O’Hara who grabbed the flag. I’d be into that, though both Kelley & Alex are into dudes. NTTIATWWT.
Not according the news story this morning.
Do tell?
Ah, just found it. Her I do wonder if her longtime boyfriend/beard was aware this was going to happen. Otherwise I think he’s due for some awkward conversations with his folks.
“Mom, Dad, two words:
Three. Way.”
*high-fives father*
That’s not a bad picture.
I received some soccer equipment magazine with her on the cover yesterday. THAT, was an unflattering photo.
Let me see if I can find it…
The hat and Donald have a point.
Well, Twitter is a private business. Not a government entity or even a publicly regulated utility, so yeah.
But it apparently is in some way a public forum. Haven’t read the opinion yet, but I don’t know how you can say the public is entitled to not be blocked from a public official’s private account, but they can be blocked entirely from the app where the public official has a private account. They are blocked either way.
The closest analogy is probably the 1A cases that said certain areas of privately owned shopping malls are essentially public forums like ye olde town square, and the malls had to respect freedom of expression in those areas.
If that decision sticks, and I doubt it, then the left are not going to be overly thrilled, since they love blocking out not only people, but even opinions they don’t like. Of course, as always, they believe that the rules don’t apply to them because reasons.
If the decision sticks, it’s going to open a very large can of worms. It will also legitimize government interfering with social media.
No, no, this only applies to ORANGEMANBAD!!!
malls had to respect freedom of expression in those areas
Welcome to the Mall of America.
The MOA is constantly trying to have it both ways. They demand huge subsidies to make upgrades because they are part of the community and help with the way of life in Minnesoda. Then they try to stop any protests on their property because they are a private property.
The last time it really blew up was the #BLM protests. The MOA threw them out, but I think that they had to wait an extra year to get money for upgrades because of the blow back.
Does that explain why Twatter is helping Karla Marx block people though?
Already a suit filed against her for the same. Interesting to see how it turns out.
“Interesting to see how it turns out.”
They’ll shut up about it and move on to some other Trumpocalypse pseudo panic, only to go back to it later on when the other shit fails as usual.
The court decision refers to “public officials” and said they can’t close their personal accounts. I don’t see how any member of Congress can block anyone from their personal account, and certainly not their government account.
Hell, if that stands, I may actually join Twitter, just to cut and paste the commentary from here into public official’s accounts.
The whole thing is fucked up. Why, other than Twitter, would you be able to block someone from reading stuff you’re posting publicly and is available to everyone else including people not logged in. It’s so bass ackwards. Like walking down a street holding your hand in front of your eyes and telling everyone else they can’t look at you.
I thought ‘blocking’ someone just means they can’t respond to you. Not sure, as I don’t twat.
Exactly. If Trump blocks you, then you cannot post a brave and witty reply to Trump’s tweet that would impress all your Twitter followers. That’s it.
They’ve basically just opened the door to government takeover of social media. I mean, how else are you going to get Twitter to violate its own architectural design that allows you to block someone? Who decides who is allowed to use all of Twitter’s features if not Twitter?
You mean, a government official in a black robe just opened the door to a government takeover of social media? Imagine my surprise.
It’s ridiculous on its face. Being blocked from posting on Trump’s timeline is not being blocked from Twitter which is not a governmental entity.
Those judges are Grade A morons.
That’s another, more accurate term for resister.
Using the same argumentation, they can make it illegal to shut down a heckler at an event.
My Twittignorance exposed. So can’t shit all over the original Twit’s feed, just shit on yourself. Where’s my give a fuck face at?
The shop called. They can fix it, but its going to cost more than its worth.
Anyone can see anybody’s Twitter account, is my understanding, regardless of whether they are a Twitter member or not. If you are blocked from an account, you can still see it by just not being logged in under the username that got blocked. The only difference it makes, as noted, is that you can’t comment on their account, or, I believe, retweet something from their account. You can still comment on their own account.
Note: not a Twitter member, going off what I have read, except the part where you don’t even have to be a Twitter member so see Twitter accounts.
I’ve been blocked by a few people and had to log into alternate accounts just to read.
“kicking a Eurofag ball around”
I’m so stealing that.
“There’s nothing great about a bunch of Title IX clitflickers kicking a Eurofag ball around.”
lmao! that’s perfect
10/10, SF
I will be restraining myself mightily from making that particular career-limiting comment, which is now a kind of politically incorrect earworm running around my head desperate to escape through my mouth.
Everyone soccer fan I know living in Europe are going to be sick of hearing ‘Eurofag ball’ soon enough.
Yes, that is pure poetry that nearly made me weep in admiration.
I cried (see below)….
Stuff like this is why it is so hard to make fun of her. Even I have a hard time finding something to say dumber and more paranoid than this.
AOC: PELOSI SADDLING ME WITH WORK TO KEEP ME OUT OF SPOTLIGHT
https://news.grabien.com/story-aoc-accuses-pelosi-placing-committees-keep-her-sidelined-wor
Look, she became a congress critter to live large on tax payer dollars and dream of passing legislation to make sure the peasants pay their fair share, just like it’s guaranteed in the Constitution. Work isn’t part of the deal.
“I DIN’T KNOW GETTING ELECTED WOULD REQUIRE ME TO WORK”
Sooo, that’s not a satire site? I’m really having trouble here.
I seriously couldn’t tell. I still am not sure. Who was it who said that Trump killed satire? I think maybe he just stunned it. AOC obliterated it.
That’s actually pretty clever on Pelosi’s part. Also creates a record of non-participation that can be used to block her appointment to committees that matter.
“focusing on Twitter and PR at the expense of legislation.”
Wait Twitter might actually be good for something.
^This. But that is your genius, Sug.
I feel like the cops that have Bill Pullman surrounded in Desperate People: This could very well be the dumbest person on the face of the earth.
Avoiding committees is without a doubt her best shot at self-preservation.
Committee meetings are like so boring! And “parliamentary rules” are obviously a racist invention of the white man.
CLIMATE CHANGE IS A CATASTROPHE!!! 12 YEARS!!!!
“Hey, would you be a part of the Select Committee on Climate Change?”
NOPE!
They wouldn’t meet her “demands”. Oh hon, you’ve got a lot to learn.
It’s hilarious. She’s beyond parody. She wouldn’t join the committee because she wanted subpoena power and she wanted to bar anyone from the committee who “took fossil fuel money”. She was upset because the committee wasn’t a Committee to Write a Bill For Me to Sign.
I’m sure she is holed up in her office feverishly working on the specific legislation to implement the GND. She ain’t got time for circle jerk committees.
SP is going to be pissed that you took that story before she could drop it into afternoon links.
And you know what happens when she gets pissed.
What _is_ the suggested treatment for a cut administered via rusty can lid?
Tourniquet around the neck, or so SP tells me.
She holds her breath with her cheeks puffed out?
*ChipsnSalsa’s account*
Maybe she won’t see it because it is currently SP’s nap time?
Hopefully she’ll take it out on OMWC for starting that nonsense
*crosses fingers*
She calls CPS on her Princess phone?
No! Not the rusty can lid!
Now say that with a falsetto, just for practice.
And I had even said something nice about you in my narrative!
Be off!
AOC: PELOSI SADDLING ME WITH WORK TO KEEP ME OUT OF SPOTLIGHT
“I was told no actual work would be required.”
“and absolutely no math! What’s up with this budget crap, deficits and stuff. I’m not an engineer”
Well, math, budgets and engineer stuff are all racist. Deficits can be racist, but only when my team isn’t in power. /Gulag Barbie
“My degree is in economics! Wah!”
“There’s nothing great about a bunch of Title IX clitflickers kicking a Eurofag ball around.””
Brilliant prose. Brought a tear to my eyes….
“Stop being the voice of reason!” the hat raged. “It’s such a thin basis for a character!”
Stop picking on Robbie!
It almost sounds like Robby is warning us about the dangers of socialism. Or is he just testing the waters to see when it’s safe to get fully onboard? Gotta keep those cocktail party invites coming.
Socialism, it’s so hot right now!
https://media.giphy.com/media/wJgksbFoieotG/giphy.gif
Someone got the reference.
Bravo! Bravo! Up tempo, witty banter. Two thumbs up with a twirl and a snap.
Sugarfree is our very own David Mamet
“Title IX clitflickers”
Consider that stolen.
Movie Title?
That’s gold!
My new band.
Yes!
“When the showers turn steamy, team play takes on a whole new meaning…”
“We call this the double-dribble….”
You won’t be able to contain yourself after the volley and the nutmeg.
Uffda. I was sure this week’s H&H was going to be based on this horror.
That’s almost as bad as the time I saw EW&F at a gastroenterologist convention.
Damn, I missed that in all me traveling.
They go everywhere together: concerts, conventions, conclaves and condo shopping–but don’t dare suggest they are obviously in a relationship.
I’ve seen marriages more platonic than those two.
She blew off Carlos Danger a.k.a. Fredo Corleone of the DNC to eat that pus infected puss.
I was hoping for Earth, Wind, and Ozzy.
I can’t believe that only has 3 million views.
That first comment is pretty great.
Holy shit. That’s awesome!
Hillary’s health must have improved. The last public appearance I can recall was some talk show or forum where she looked like Jabba the Hut in a muu-muu.
Perhaps, but her German doppelganger’s health appears to have taken a turn.
DTs are a real bitch.
Err, or so I’m told.
“Get off Twitter,” the hair snapped. “It’s full of retards and journalists, which are just a fancy type of retard.”
If Trump ever decides to leave twitter, this will be his last tweet, verbatim.
https://www.rfa.org/english/news/china/activist-death-07102019113636.html
hardcore dude there.
“journalists, which are just a fancy type of retard.”
I would argue the opposite.
A retard is just a fancy type of journalist?
Or, a journalist is a regular retard.
So, wifey is watching Globo news again. That’s Brazils version of ‘We just mindlessly regurgitate every world that comes out of CNN’s stupid talking heads’. Today it’s all about the Murikan Title IX clitflicking Eurofag ballers and der fuhrer Merkel having another round of the dehydration seizures. What, Eurofags out of water now?
They really need to get on that firmware fix for the Merkelbot.
LOL, I just used the Eurofag ball term on wifey. At first she just looked sort of stunned and then I watched her barely be able to suppress a laugh and then ‘That’s not nice!’. So I said ‘See, you liked it, now I’m texting it to your daughter! And she said ‘No! Don’t do it! It’s not nice! She won’t like it!’. LOL, thanks SF, you’re a true wonder of the intertoobz.
You called your wife a Eurofag?
This all just reminds me of a joke, supposedly overheard on an elevator:
“He’s gay? I thought he was just European.”
Quoted for truth.
*nods solemnly*
Love the Paglia quote.
Nicely done.