The Continuing Awesome Adventures of Secret Nazi President!!11!! Vol 31: Go ‘way! Still Debatin’!; Hatin’, hate

by | Aug 15, 2019 | Comic, Satire, Secret Nazi President | 219 comments

About The Author

Penguin

Penguin

BakedPenguin is a graduate of some school or another, smells like a homeless person, and has the friendly demeanor of a rabid wolverine.

219 Comments

  1. UnCivilServant

    I don’t get it.

    /wondering why the reload causes the comments to jump down a few seconds after when there are big images in the article.

    • Rhywun

      /wondering why the reload causes the comments to jump down

      #metoo

      Got used to it long ago.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I’m lost, what did I just witness?

  2. Not Adahn

    The Disney rep was brilliant.

    • MikeS

      I heard that his girlfriend is fucking goofy.

      • AlexinCT

        I thought it was his soon to be ex wife?

  3. Sean

    Good stuff BP!

  4. robc

    What’s officially old, anyway? I turned 52 a couple weeks ago and feel every goddamn one of them…

    replying to last thread: you have 2 years on me.

    • Naptown Bill

      I hit 41 in three days. Paradoxically, I’m in the best shape of my life, but I also have what appears to be permanent tennis elbow, aching shoulders, and it sounds like someone dropping a bag of Scrabble tiles when I bend my knees.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Old Man! 56 on Sunday 8/25, I’m in great shape, except for my Elbow, which may or may not be Broken, but the swelling got so heavy it burst through my skin, Yikes!

      • AlexinCT

        Jeebus dude…

      • Fourscore

        Sometimes you just have to see a doc, sounds like this could be one of the times. Good luck, Yusef

  5. Rhywun

    Pajama Boy! I miss that… guy.

    • BEAM ain't co-operatin' with the MAN

      Or whatever xe happens to be identifying as these days . . .

    • AlexinCT

      He now has a job as someone’s prison bitch I heard. Ask HM or Straff. They have more info.

  6. The Other Kevin

    That is some funny shit. I actually read it slowly on purpose so I could savor it.

    • Fourscore

      “I actually read it slowly” ’cause I went to public school…

      • LJW

        California Republican… So a Democrat lite.

      • kinnath

        Ronald Raygun was a California Republican.

      • Gustave Lytton

        St Ronnie the Gun Grabber

      • Gustave Lytton

        Lee, who worked at City Hall for two decades

        Yes

    • Not Adahn

      Who can tell with that link?

    • Rhywun

      Enh, it’s the Staten Island of LA. They do vote GOP from time to time.

      • Q Continuum

        It’s all the porn stars.

      • AlexinCT

        Can you blame them with the insane turn into puritanism that the PC left has taken?

      • grrizzly

        We have an apartment in this district. I’ve just found the district map. It’s weird to have a local Republican representative even at the second residence.

      • Rhywun

        I had a Republican congressman in Brooklyn (!) until he got railroaded for paying restaurant workers under the table. (Because my district is Staten Island + the SW corner of Brooklyn which is purple.)

  7. Q Continuum

    Sara is my favorite one yet.

    • Not Adahn

      I am suspicious that she is not wearing an authentic Bavarian dirndl.

      • slumbrew

        It bears closer inspection.

      • The Other Kevin

        I’ll look into it.
        /Benny Hill

      • Rebel Scum

        Indeed, the mystery should be laid bare.

      • DEG

        It is not. She should take it off.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Me too

  8. Fourscore

    Dayton, MI is suburban Flint?

    • BakedPenguin

      Fourscore, it’s Newsish. They’re totally factitious.

      • Fourscore

        Funny again, always enjoy the Thursday news update. Thanks, Baked Penguin

    • Tres Cool

      Dayton, Flint

      *hip-hop lyrics very NSFW
      **unless you work for Def Jam

  9. Raphael

    A fun and great hit as always, Dear Baked One. And hot damn, give Sara a ballgag and solid #would.

    • Raphael

      Also I died at the Gabbard/Harris squabble.

      • Not Adahn

        If Tulsi would actually say that on camera, I would register as a Democrat and vote for her.

      • wdalasio

        You know, if I were a Democratic muckety-muck, I’d be sweating bullets that none of the candidates is raising this. You can pretty much guarantee that Trump won’t hesitate to mention it. At the very least, that will pretty much cancel out any attempt on the Democrats’ part of moral preening about Trump’s personal life. If she gets hit with it in the primaries, and survives, you can play it as old news in the general election. And if she can’t survive it, it’s better to get rid of her early. But, letting it hang out there waiting for Trump to pluck is courting disaster.

      • creech

        Don’t recall the story. If she and Willy B were both single at the time, then who gives a damn? During the debate, she and Trump can compare photos of their bedmates and the audience can see who screwed “up” and who screwed “down.”

      • kinnath

        then who gives a damn?

        Fucking your boss and getting preferential treatment is bad for business.

      • Not Adahn

        “as long as they don’t think I’m sleeping my way to the middle”

      • wdalasio

        If she and Willy B were both single at the time, then who gives a damn?

        First off, Willie wasn’t single at the time. Far more importantly, Willie gave her a bunch of political sinecures that propelled her career dramatically. “She slept her way to the top” isn’t something the bulk of Americans are going to see as an unqualified endorsement.

      • MikeS

        #metoo

        Great job, BP!

  10. Rebel Scum

    Noice.

  11. Q Continuum

    Raph:

    You back in the States? Got a plan?

    • Raphael

      Yeah, got back to the States just this week. Got a few job leads, which reminds me I gotta email Egould later today about his lead.

      • Q Continuum

        You happy to be back?

      • Raphael

        Yeah, it feels a bit weird considering I’m staying at the place I haven’t really been in for about 8 years. It’ll be all right though, got family and some old friends in town still. Things going all right for ya?

      • Q Continuum

        Livin’ the dream.

      • Raphael

        That’s the one line I’ll always remember from my college days. Had a speaker who would tell us that, good shiz my man.

      • Sensei

        Let me know when you stop bowing to everyone.

      • Sensei

        お帰り!

      • Raphael

        ただいま?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Dammit you two! Electroshock therapyclass isn’t until tonight.

      • Sensei

        I took my son to college for his first year and missed my class this week.

        Exchanged one kind of pain for another. I already miss him.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Tough to let them go, but better than the alternative (as my much younger youngest brother experienced).

      • Tundra

        I agree with Gustave. It’s what we train them for.

        It still sucks.

      • AlexinCT

        Don’t worry man. He will be partying hard and chasing skirt if he knows what college is really for…

  12. Chipwooder

    I can hear Gabbard actually saying that in my head

  13. Rebel Scum

    Someone is feeling sassy.

    Sasse wrote, “Too many of Epstein’s secrets have gone to the grave with him, and the Department must not allow his death to be one last sweetheart deal for his co-conspirators. The victims of Epstein’s international sex trafficking ring deserve justice. In order to bring Epstein’s co-conspirators to justice, the Department of Justice should rip up the non-prosecution, non-investigation agreement entered into by Epstein and the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of Florida in 2008.”

    The 2008 agreement allowed Epstein immunity from federal charges, permitting him to face state charges that Sasse referred to as a “slap-on-the-wrist sentence that went largely unenforced.”

    Sasses added, “The idea that wealth and connections can buy injustice — the only plausible explanation for such pathetically soft terms for a serial child rapist at the heart of a massive international criminal enterprise — is wholly and completely inconsistent with the basic notions of fairness and equality that undergird the rule of law enshrined in our Constitution … This crooked deal cannot stand.”

    Sasse concluded, “Only by ensuring that this shameful agreement does not command the force of law in shielding Epstein’s fellow rapists and exploiters can we ensure that some measure of justice is finally delivered to Epstein’s victims who have been let down time and time again by their government. The federal government failed to bring Jeffrey Epstein to justice. We cannot allow Epstein’s accomplices to escape, too.”

    • Gustave Lytton

      Senator Ben Sasse (R-NB)

      Wait a sec, when did New Brunswick get admitted to the Union?

      • UnCivilServant

        We’ve been annexing Canukistan on the down low.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        but they are on top, what gives?

      • MikeS

        Ah, yes. UCS’ing UCS. Excellent.

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s because we’ve annexed the southern end of the country, duh.

      • Gadfly

        But…the northernmost part of California is further north than the southernmost part of Canada, so who is really on top?

      • UnCivilServant

        All that says is California needs to be smaller.

      • BEAM ain't co-operatin' with the MAN

        We’ve been annexing Canukistan on the down low.

        Well fer Chrissake, hurry it up, wouldya? Justin Trudeau’s still Prime Minister!

        What kinda lame-ass annexation is this?

  14. Tundra

    Excellent BP. Breasts, Mickey and RDA!

    Some of your best work yet!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I always thought she was hot, in the funky Jewish princess way……
      then she spoke, attempting humor
      /sad boner…….

      • Rhywun

        Before she got political, she could be quite funny.

    • Rhywun

      the actress also lamented right-wing figures who adopt cancel culture as a means to get revenge on the left

      Oh fuck off. You helped build this environment.

      • Sensei

        So much this!

    • The Other Kevin

      Some of the podcasts I listen to have comedians on them. They understand that the current climate of censorship is going to cost them their jobs. Too bad she hadn’t figured that out before now.

      • AlexinCT

        Most of these woke idiots think they will be spared or given a pass because the practice all the religious ceremonies that the cult requires, virtue signal, and show their bonafides by going after the non-believers. However, they miss the point that the cult’s treatment of heretics is worse. So, just like happened with so many of the true believers of Soviet marxism that the people in power got tired off – whom ended up comprising the numerous follow on waves rounded up and sent to the Gulags once the revolution had gotten rid of all the Kulaks & wreckers – they will end up surprised when the movement goes after them.

    • Raphael

      And once again, the Ouroboros has been fed. If only she hadn’t help push for this direction.

    • wdalasio

      Sorry, but this is the world she wanted; this is the world she got. It seems to me that her only objection is that she thought she was supposed to be immune to the monster she helped create.

      • The Other Kevin

        People really into politics tend to be very short-sighted. They think their party will always be in power, and their party would never turn on them.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Why I don’t support national reciprocity.

      • wdalasio

        I think it’s a little more than that, in this case. It’s not like conservatives had a damned thing to do with her role getting cancelled. Hell, there aren’t enough conservatives in Hollywood to get a passing fly removed from a film. It was her own tribe (no, not that tribe, her political tribe) that did her in. Despite her paranoid screeching otherwise.

        What’s driving her position here is pretty much textbook liberal privilege. She’s suitably progressive, so her sins are supposed to be forgiven. She had noble sensibilities when she was wearing blackface, not like those deplorables. And, anyway, it was years ago. The consequences she’s facing aren’t things that are supposed to be inflicted on the good guys. It’s for “those people”.

      • creech

        Aren’t (((they))) both the same tribe?

      • Chipwooder

        Like every other leftist who ever saw the monster they helped create turn on them, from Trotsky to Al Franken, she saw herself as a virtuous person and her mob was only supposed to target the bad people. “But I’m one of the good people, why are you attacking me?”

      • Tundra

        Idiots never read Darkness At Noon.

      • Chipwooder

        Seriously, right?

        “Bravo! The wolves devour each other!”

      • slumbrew

        Yes, she got what she wanted. Good and hard.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      BILLY BINION is an assistant editor at Reason.

      You expect me to believe Billy Binion is a real name? come on.

      • BakedPenguin

        Sounds like a sidekick to a 2nd rate Superhero.

        “What? Reflexor is going to crash the 4th Street Bridge? Not on my watch! C’mon, Billy!”
        “Sure thing, Fishman!”

      • Chipwooder

        Sounds like a supporting character in a Scorcese movie.

        “I moved the stones we took in the Secaucus job through Billy Binion. He was a fence than worked for Nicky Eyes.”

      • JaimeRoberto: Gentleman, Scholar, French Tickler

        I hear Billy Binion battles bunions.

      • Mad Scientist

        I heard a bee bit his bottom and now his bottom is big.

      • Idle Hands

        lol.

      • Tundra

        This needs to happen every fucking time.

        Miss that guy.

      • Rhywun

        Dayum!

        Those days are long gone, sadly.

        Also… “Queer Nation”. Aren’t they an unwelcome blast from the past.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Also Act Up, which the original Queer Nation was a spin off from apparently.

    • Chipwooder

      She’s also so full of shit – her entire act was based on being deliberately offensive, so trying to claim “Oh, I didn’t understand then how hurtful it was” is a totally disingenuous lie. Of course she knew, that’s why she did it.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Knew what it was going to be. Excellent!

      • slumbrew

        Same and same.

    • invisible finger

      There should be enough Hollywood outcasts by now that they can just start their own studio. But they’d have to grovel to Bezos for distribution.

  15. Yusef drives a Kia

    Great Job BP! I missed RDA, my Fav!
    /Burp

  16. AlmightyJB

    Lol. Great job BP:)

  17. BakedPenguin

    Thanks to all. Really appreciate the positive feedback. If anyone wants to give negative feedback, just remember: specificity helps.

    • MikeS

      OK. I think it’s total bullshit that Becky has clothes on.

      • Raphael

        It’s an absolute travesty to be quite honest. Much agreed. FREE THE SOUTHPAW.

      • Raphael

        TOO*

      • BakedPenguin

        MikeS – agreed, but she was asking for a lot to go nude or even topless.

      • MikeS

        *disgusted snort*

        Actors

        SMDH

      • Gustave Lytton

        Let’s see dem [REDACTED]

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Aliens?

    • BakedPenguin

      Also, welcome back, Raph. Hope you can adapt to the lack of schoolgirl skirts on the street.

      • Raphael

        Thanks BP. It’s all good, my man.

      • Nephilium

        Live in a heavily Catholic neighborhood. The schoolgirl skirts are all over the place, just on, you know, actual children.

      • BakedPenguin

        …just on, you know, actual children.

        See, I find that problematic.

    • Rhywun

      Well…

      Zenu is ackshyually spelled Xenu.

      hth

      • Mad Scientist

        But does Random Drunken Asshole know that?

      • Tundra

        That was my thought, too. It’s better with the Z.

        My only criticism is that Sara’s bolt-ons seem implausible.

      • Mad Scientist

        Hey now, she took her grade school lessons seriously and brought enough for everyone.

      • Tundra

        Well, there’s that…

      • Rhywun

        I… ?

      • BakedPenguin

        Yeah, that’s one I’m gonna live with.

    • wdalasio

      If anyone wants to give negative feedback…

      No, BP, you did a terrific job.

    • l0b0t

      My sole criticism is based upon nothing but greed; I always want more of these. I’ve loved fumetti since I was wee.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      I really enjoy these. Thanks BP.

    • The Hyperbole

      As I mentioned before speech balloons don’t need to actually touch the persons teeth, shorter pointy bits that aim anywhere near the speaker is good enough. And you should really endeavor to not block the speakers body with the text, for instance in the final panel “Muhwahaha” could be positioned above the white power symbol instead of in front of it. Other than that, fine job. *Thumbs up emoji*

      • UnCivilServant

        I thought BP was harkening back to the political cartoons of Olde, where the speech bubble was formed from the breath emerging from the speaker’s mouth.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Those are awesome. Particularly when they try to fit 3 paragraphs of text within one speech bubble.

      • Grummun

        white power symbol

        Hasn’t BP been using that frame for Trump since before the vapid, credulous press fell for the OK == white power farce?

      • BakedPenguin

        Yeah, that’s one I’ve just basically been doing a copy/paste on. Hyp’s not wrong, but when you’re 6 hours in on the 9th or 11th panel at 2 AM, it’s good to know the last one’s easy.

      • BakedPenguin

        Fair points. Unfortunately for me, I lost all the previous Photoshop files with all of the separate elements as individual layers. So I use jpg’s of the images instead. I’ve been looking for the original images so I could redo them, but that takes a lot of time, and if I know one’s due soon…

        I’ll still keep looking, but in the meantime, I appreciate your patience with poorly placed word balloons.

        UCS, thanks – but I was never really into Thomas Nast (although I respected his work).

      • RBS

        I think it’s great the way it is. A more polished presentation would detract from SNP.

      • Gadfly

        As I mentioned before speech balloons don’t need to actually touch the persons teeth

        But how else is the reader to know that the character is speaking with their mouth? There is a crazy world of fiction on this site, so you cannot just make assumptions about the author’s intent.

    • DEG

      I like this except for the fake Dirndl.

      Count me in for thinking it’s bullshit that Becky is wearing clothing.

    • Mad Scientist

      That car IS Eleanor. Should be worth a fortune.

    • Chipwooder

      Is it going to have the original dents from the movie? McQueen added those himself. He said that it’s supposed to be a working cop’s car, and thus shouldn’t look pristine.

      Also, I read an article a while back where someone from the movie (not Bill Hickman himself, but maybe one of the other drivers) talked about how the Mustang couldn’t hang with the Charger R/T. The Mustang was heavily modded to absorb the punishment the chase scenes dished out and to try to keep up with the Charger on the road, but it still required frequent repair work and kept getting left in the dust while the Charger was a tank that never needed any special care and left it in the dust.

    • Chipwooder

      Also, did anyone else see Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? It’s incredible how much of a dead ringer for McQueen Damien Lewis is in the movie.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Agreed.

    • Tundra

      Cool!

      I remember when that one resurfaced.

    • Crusty Juggler

      Meh. Let me know when 1968 Jacqueline Bisset is for sale.

  18. Q Continuum

    Topiramate decreases the sensation of orgasm.

    • BEAM ain't co-operatin' with the MAN

      What a useless pharmaceutical.

  19. Democratic Hitler

    This is honest-to-zenu my favorite web comic strip. I feel bad for people who don’t come to glibertarians.

    Also, Marquez Marquez seems like an OK dude but he really makes me miss Cortez Cortez. That dude was a legend.

  20. Not Adahn

    So my current gun club is all outdoors, and shuts down at sunset. Which means 4 months out of the year I can’t use it after work *shakes fist at northern latitudes*. I got a membership today in a hoity-toity one that has a 24/7 fancy schmancy indoor range. But what blew my mind was the email detailing the new member orientation class. In addition to reminders to bring your driver’s licence, sack lunch, and dress for the weather etc. there was this:

    No firearms or ammo are allowed to be brought to the class. They will be provided for you for the live fire portion.

    Buh?

    • UnCivilServant

      I have to presume that there’s a standard firearm for the orientation class, and they don’t want to have to explain why X is an inappropriate caliber/form factor/etc.

      • Not Adahn

        Is busting some caps SOP at a new member orientation? Hell, I didn’t need to do live fire for my license. Not that I’m complaining, just thought it was odd.

      • kinnath

        Is busting some caps SOP at a new member orientation?

        It took all of 15 minutes to go through “orientation” at our range. Then they rented us pistols from the cabinent and sold us targets and ammo. Then they sent us off to the range.

      • Not Adahn

        My current club took about four hours as they went through all the different rules you could break to get thrown out and took you for a tour of the grounds.

      • UnCivilServant

        No, live-fire was not part of the orientation for either range I’ve belonged to.

        I think this place might be a little odd, but it will give them the chance to doubt-check your safe handling instincts.

      • Not Adahn

        That’s actually a really good point. My club does require a qualification before you can use the long-range range.

        This new one has this that I’m looking forward to making use of.

      • Democratic Hitler

        Possibly people just don’t fully grasp the nature of the new-member-live-fire-orientation. “Oh, don’t worry about bringing ammo. You won’t need it”.

      • 0x90

        ha, yeah, I can see some hard-ass showing up to class with his brandy-new .50 AE and proceeding to whack himself in the forehead.

      • Florida Man

        My cousin has one of those and the recoil isn’t bad.

    • Sean

      new member orientation class

      Say what now?

      Also, is it *really* 24/7?

      • Not Adahn

        Supposedly yes unless it’s being used for an activity like action pistol training (where they set it up with target turners and the like)

      • Sean

        Now I’m intrigued…Is it staffed 24/7 too?

      • grrizzly

        I belong to one where indoor ranges are open 24/7. It’s never staffed. Each member has a key fob to enter the premises. Many times I was there all by myself.

      • Sean

        Apparently I’m living a sheltered life. I didn’t know such things existed.

    • JaimeRoberto: Gentleman, Scholar, French Tickler

      I’m picturing something out of The Deer Hunter.

  21. Rebel Scum

    I’m not saying you are like Hitler, but…

    CHRIS JANSING: I think one of the things, Frank Figliuzzi, is that this president has always, from anyone who was around him, Anthony Scaramucci knows this as well as anybody else, demanded this blind loyalty, right? “I say it, it must be so. Or even if you don’t think it’s so, you don’t criticize me for it.”

    FRANK FIGLIUZZI: Well, this is why it’s so important to look through the lens of radicalization when you look at this president and then apply counterradicalization techniques. Because you’re right, attacking his followers is going to be counterproductive. He demands that loyalty, and they are loyal. So if you call Trump followers racist en masse, they simply coalesce around each other and become more defensive and protective of the leader, just as they would in, say, a terrorist organization.

    • 0x90

      Different parts of a society utterly demonizing one another seems to be a recurring theme for the humans. I bet it will end well, this time.

      • The Other Kevin

        Of course it will. Everyone knows that the way to change a person’s mind is to constantly berate and belittle them. Any day now those deplorables are going to see the light and repent.

      • AlexinCT

        It gets so frustrating and old that stupid people simply refuse to bow down to the will of their betters…

        /progtard

    • The Other Kevin

      Did he explain how that’s different from any other political party?

      • Rhywun

        Or job?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      just as they would in, say, any group of people that’s being unfairly demonized.

  22. Grummun

    considering all the jobs she sucked out of Willy Brown’s dick

    kaboom

    I especially like that in the frame BP chose for Tulsi, she looks like she could actually be saying that.

    Also, is RDA wearing aluminum foil under his ball cap?

    • BakedPenguin

      is RDA wearing aluminum foil under his ball cap?

      One of the reasons I chose that pic. Thetans are deadly, man…

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of Sarah Silverman, I watched a movie called “Ashby” the other night. She was in it, as the horny MILFy mother of one of the main characters. She was actually okay. The movie was surprisingly good, as in didn’t-completely-suck. Mickey Rourke was in it, too.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      “surprisingly good, as in didn’t-completely-suck”
      High praise indeed…

    • Crusty Juggler

      She is a good actress and legit funny. However, she tried to play a game she can’t win, so that’s her cross to bare.

    • Idle Hands

      That movie was good. My issue with Silverman is she learned nothing from her experience and the only thing she would change if would be actually doing the sketch not that there is anything wrong with the mob.

    • spqr2008

      My favorite Sarah Silverman role is princess Vanelloppe Von Schweetz in both Wreck it Ralph movies. She has a really good chemistry with John C Reilly, and there are some pretty good adult jokes built into those movies.

  24. invisible finger

    The new Chicago mayor has been in office about 100 hours and the communications director has already resigned.

    • Jarflax

      When does the indictment hit?

  25. The Late P Brooks

    No firearms or ammo are allowed to be brought to the class. They will be provided for you for the live fire portion.

    Did they specify what will be made available? .22 only, or something?

  26. Heroic Mulatto

    Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten vore—
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of ass cheeks gently clapping, clapping at my chamber door. “’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “clapping at my chamber door—
    Dummy thicc and nothing more.”
    Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the no nut November; And each separate clapping motion shook with sound my chamber floor.
    Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
    From my hentai tales of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore— For the rare and radiant waifu whom the lolis name Lenore—
    Nameless here for evermore. And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic visions never felt before;
    So that now, to still the rising of my cock, I stood repeating
    “’Tis some visitor, cheek-clapping at my chamber door— Some late visitor cheek-clapping at my chamber door;—
    This it is and nothing more.”
    Presently my cock throbbed stronger; hesitating then no longer, “Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
    But the fact is I was fapping, and so gently you came clapping,
    And so faintly you came clapping, clapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you”—here I opened wide the door;—
    Darkness there and nothing more.
    Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no neckbeard ever dared to dream before;
    But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
    And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?” This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”—
    Merely this and nothing more.
    Back into the chamber turning, all the semen in me burning, Soon again I heard a clapping somewhat louder than before.
    “Surely,” said I, “surely that is some ass at my window lattice;
    Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this booty hole explore— Let my heart be still a moment and this peachy ass explore;—
    ’Tis some waifu, and nothing more!” Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately Loli of the saintly days of yore;
    Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
    But, with mien of lord or lady, spread above my chamber door— Spread so wide her ass cheeks just above my chamber door—
    Spread, and sat, and nothing more. Then this ebony loli beguiling my sad wanking into smiling, By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance she wore, “Though thy hole be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven, Ghastly grim and ancient Loli wandering from the Nightly shore— Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
    Quoth the Loli “Neverhoe.”
    Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly, Though her answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
    For we cannot help agreeing to no living neckbeard being
    Ever yet was blessed with seeing waifus above his chamber door— Loli or beast with some fat ass spread above his chamber door,
    With such name as “Neverhoe.”
    But the Loli, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only That one word, as if her soul in that one word she did outpour.
    Nothing farther then she uttered—not a sideboob then she fluttered—
    Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other friends have flown before— On the morrow she will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before.”
    Then she just said “Never, hoe.” Startled at the edging broken by reply so aptly spoken, “Damn it,” said I, “what she uttered made me cum,
    This single word that sprung my unmerciful Disaster
    Followed fast and followed faster till I bust onto her bum— Till the sound of her soft voice an erotic burden bore
    Of ‘Never—neverhoe’.”
    But the Loli still beguiling all my edging into cumming, Straight I wheeled a cushioned Kleenex in front of her, and bust upon the floor;
    Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
    Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous thot of yore— What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous thot of yore
    Meant in moaning “Neverhoe.”
    This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing To the fowl whose lustful eyes now burned into my dickhole’s core;
    This and more I sat divining, with my cock at ease reclining
    On the Kleenex velvet lining with the semen shining o’er, But whose velvet-violet lining with the semen shining o’er,
    She shall stroke, ah, neverhoe! Then, methought, the cheeks grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer Swung by Seraphim whose ass-claps tinkled on the tufted floor.
    “Thot,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee
    Respite—respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore; Queef, oh queef this kind nepenthe and poppeth pussy, just some more!”
    Quoth the Loli, “Neverhoe.”
    “Poppeth!” said I, “thing of evil!—poppeth still, if waifu or devil!— Whether Tumblr sent, or whether 4chan tossed thee here ashore,
    Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—
    On this home by Hormones haunted—tell me truly, I implore— Is there—is there cum in my pants?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”
    Quoth the Loli, “Neverhoe.”
    “You thot!” said I, “thing of evil!—waifu still, if loli or devil! By my niceness that bends above us—by that God we both adore—
    Tell this soul with niceness laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
    It shall clap a sainted ass-cheek of whom the angels name Lenore— Clap a rare and radiant OC whom the angels name Lenore.”
    Quoth the Raven “Neverhoe.”
    “Be that word our sign of parting, hoe or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting— “Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
    Leave no cummies as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
    Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit your spread above my door! Take thy ass from out my heart, and take thy tits from off my door!”
    Quoth the Raven “Never, hoe.”
    And the Loli, never quitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
    And her eyes have all the seeming of a semen demon that is dreaming,
    And the laptop from which she’s streaming throws her shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
    Shall be lifted—never, hoe!

    • slumbrew

      Bravo!

    • Pan Zagloba

      gay_chihuahua.gif

  27. The Late P Brooks

    When does the indictment hit?

    Illinois politicians’ retirement plan: free room and board, provided by the state.

  28. Gustave Lytton

    Called to “cancel” SXM for the car. What a joke. Sometimes I wish they’d call me on it and turn the damn thing off. Or at least the renewals portion of it.

    • CPRM

      When I bought my car the SXM subscription from the last owner was still active. But I replaced the stereo because that had a busted input jack.

    • Crusty Juggler

      While the Yacht Rock channel is on?

      I just don’t get you.

      • Florida Man

        That’s a good channel.

      • slumbrew

        Now I just hear Michael McDonald singing the chorus in my head.

      • Crusty Juggler

        You’re welcome!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Username checks out

      • Crusty Juggler

        I’m known for a being a lover of great music that gets the ladies soppin’ in the summer?

        Guilty as charged.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Was meaning FloridaMan and yacht rock.

        gets the ladies soppin’ in the summer

        Drowning your victims?

    • Nephilium

      I’ve never paid a dime for SXM, I still get their e-mail and junk mail (plus the e-mails for one of my relatives, because his wife doesn’t grasp e-mail domains). They will never quit sending you junk.

  29. Crusty Juggler

    Has anyone ever been watching women’s tennis and had their wiener get stuck in an afghan?

    • Florida Man

      afghan? You mean the dog?

      • Q Continuum

        No, he meant Afghani.

      • Florida Man

        I don’t have sex with terrorist, thank you very much.

    • Q Continuum

      Not since that chick got the breast reduction. The sport was ruined after that.

    • Rhywun

      In other tennis news, garbage human displays garbage behavior, blows another week’s salary.

      TW: Gawker. Hey, it was the first result that came up.

      • Q Continuum

        When is he gonna get banned for life?

      • Rhywun

        That would be overkill but some sort of suspension is reportedly on the table. Dude is fucking toxic – I can’t imagine having to play him. At this point I don’t even know why he bothers. He obviously has no respect for anyone but himself.

    • Private Chipperbot

      She’s manlier looking than the doll.

      • Idle Hands

        She is british. The ugliest backwoods inbred hicks on the planet.

    • 0x90

      pretty sure that doll played the lead in team america: world police.

  30. Crusty Juggler

    Overstock.com CEO says he started sleeping with convicted ‘Russian honeytrap spy’ to extract information because he was an FBI informant and helped start the Clinton email probe and Russia investigation

    He claims after meeting her at Freedom Festival in 2015 she suggested continuing contact under the guise of a romantic relationship and he contacted the FBI but they were skeptical she was of interest.

    She later revealed her feelings were true and he stayed in contact with her, believing she should be investigated but it led to an alleged revelation of ‘political espionage against Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz, Marc Rubio and Donald Trump’.

    On Tuesday in an interview with Fox Business, Byrne said: ‘I think we are about to see the biggest scandal in American history. Everything you think you know about the Russia and Clinton investigations was a lie, it was all political espionage. I think [U.S. Attorney General William Barr] has gotten to the bottom of it.’

    Byrne said in the interview with Stuart Varney that former CIA director John Brennan and former FBI director James Comey are people involved.

    Speaking to Fox about how he ended up in the middle of both the Russian and Clinton investigations, he said he realized he had ‘all the answers’ last summer but was ‘sitting on them waiting for America to get there’.

    Shockingly the stock is not doing so well.

    • leon

      Living in Utah, and being in software, from the things I’ve heard about Patrick: he’s not well. Which is sad cause he was (is?) Fairly libertarian.

      Also the stock hasn’t been doing great since he decided to abandon the core business and go into crypto.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Meeting chicks at Freedom Fest? Now I know he’s full of bullshit.

  31. Gustave Lytton

    Stupid WordPress.