Subaru Horror Theater, Vol. 11: Old Friends

by | Oct 31, 2019 | Halloween, Literature, Subaru Horror Theatre, SugarFree | 215 comments

 

One Week

“Backyard,” I bark. “Backyard, backyard.” The gate bangs against the post again and again. I scratch at the door.

“Banjo!” she says from the couch room. I bark again.

“I’m coming,” she says. “Calm down.” She is still in sad-face and I am supposed to be on the couch with her. I want to be on the couch with her. I know she needs me. I chuff when I see her and bow with my front legs. I am hers and she is mine.

“You have to go pee-pee again?” she asks, rubbing my head.

“Out, out,” I whine. I wag my tail, love love love swishing back and forth.

“Stay close,” she tells me. “I couldn’t bear anything happening to you too.”

I run out into the yard and patrol the edge of the fence, head down sniffing sniffing sniffing. There is nothing new. I come to the unlatched gate and I open it with a paw. The scent is coming to me from across the fields. I run toward it, smelling constantly: Grass. Dirt. A chipmunk rotting away. Running, my paws digging into the soft earth. The scent. The scent is there. I have the scent. I know it like my own. I run harder.

Gasoline. Cows. Cut grass. But I ignore them all for the scent. It is clear and bright, rich and complex. Love. It smells like love. The wind shifts a bit and a new scent mingles with it. A human. A man. Food. He has food. I stop and smell his food. I lap up some of his food. He says something. Not angry. He touches my head. I sniff him all over. The scent I want is there, under his scent. I am trying to pry the scents apart when the familiar car sound comes up behind me.

It is her. I love her. I ran to her, wiggling all over. I barked “Hello” and “Hello” and “There is something here” and “There is something here.” She puts me in the car. She is angry with me. I can always tell. I watch her talk to the man. I whine. I growl. I bark.

She opens the door and I catch the mingled scents again. I spin in the backseat in frustration.

“I told you not to run off,” she says. She is shaking and crying. I lick the hot tears from her face. She laughs. The first laugh in a long time.

“At least you made a new friend,” she says. As she drives away, I stare at the man and growl softly.

 

One Month

“Hey, there Banjo,” the man says, coming out of the barn. I had only snuffled part of his yard. I bristle. His clothes smell of smoke and detergent and fresh earth and coffee and cooked meat and dust and grease.

“Got out, again, did you?” he asks. There is something wrong with him. Underneath all the human scents there is something metallic and sharp. Something like burning. I let him pet me and lick his hand. He tastes wrong. Makes my tongue hurt. He laughs and kneels down. Same taste on his arm and face. Wrong-taste.

Crunch of gravel. She has found me again. Why can’t she understand?

“I am so sorry,” she says as she gets out.

“Oh, it’s no problem. We’re just becoming friends,” he says. I sneeze because they are talking about me.

“C’mon, Banjo!’ she said. She pulls on my collar. I want another sniff of him. I want another taste. She wrestles me into the car

“I am so sorry to hear of your troubles,” he says to her.

She freezes. Fear smell flows out of her.

“Th-th-ank you for that,” she says. She closes the car door and walks toward him. The window is barely open. I howl for her to get away from him.

“Shush,” she commands. They talk. I keep my nose in the sliver of open window, trying to catch the wrong scent again. Grass and grease again, chickens and far-off sheep.

She gets in the car. “I don’t know what I am going to do about you,” she says. I chuff and she smiles so I chuff again.

The wind shifts as she drives away and a whole new scent floods my nose. It is new and old at the same time. I howl for her to go back to the farm. I need more. I howl and I howl.

 

One Year

New gate. New lock. I press my nose to a knothole in the fence to see if I can catch the scent. I dig under the fence all summer. The ground is hard. She fills in my hole twice. After a good long rain, I find I can get under the fence. I run as fast as I could. I will avoid him this time. I will find the scent. Almost there. I will find–BALL! HE THREW A BALL! BALL! BALL! BALL!

I collapse on his porch panting. So much ball time. She is already there to pick me up. I have failed.

“It’s been a year now,” he says.

“A year,” she says. Sad face. I whine.

“Sore subject,” he grunts. He turns the ball over and over in his hand.

“There’s still…” she begins as he threw the ball.

BALL!

 

Five Years

Behind the barn. It is behind the barn. He finds me digging and kicks me. I growl at him. When she touches the sore spot when we are on the couch, I yelp and she kisses me.

 

Ten Years

I have never forgotten. I cannot get out of the yard. I have never forgotten. I stare at his farm. I smell the wind.

“You want to go see your friend?” she asks. I look up at her. She glows. My tail thumps on the floor.

“Who wants to go for a ride?” she asks. My tail thumps harder. Sometimes that thing has a mind of its own. “Does Banjo want to go for a ride?”

Go. Ride. I get up off my bed slowly and walk to wear the leash hangs.

“Good boy, you are such a good boy,” she says.

I do not know where we are going until she is almost at the farm. It has not changed. She lets me out. It hurts to get to the ground. The gravel hurts my feet. I start sniffing things.

“Hi!” she says. He is sitting on the porch. I can barely see him. But I know his sour smell.

They talk. I let him pet me. They talk. I whine.

“You need to go potty?” she asks. “Go potty,” she says, “Go on.”

They talk. I hear my name a few times but I do not turn back. I get to the edge of the barn and I pause to look back at them but they are not looking at me.

The ground behind the barn is soft and wet, but the digging still hurts. But this was the place I smelled her last. This was where he kicked me. I keep digging. She isn’t deep.

I can hear them talking as I get closer to the porch. I want to bark. I want to howl. I want to growl.

“It’s been so long,” she says. “She would have started her senior year this August.”

“Has it really been that long?” he asks. Through my good eye, I see him show his teeth.

Up the porch steps, each one hurting. I cannot hear their words any longer. My blood is roaring in my ears. I bump my head into her leg and the blood noise stops.

“What did you find, boy?” she asks.

She screams when I drop the small skull of her daughter at her feet.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

215 Comments

  1. kinnath

    This is the one to top all the others.

    Thrilling, appalling, and yet still appealing.

  2. Timeloose

    Wow great story. I’m impressed with the dog’s view of the world and his degradation over the years.

  3. Sean

    Great story!

    *applauds*

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Well done.

  5. We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

    Yeah, this was excellent.

    “Why can’t she understand?” I feel like my dog thinks that about me almost all the time.

  6. Gender Traitor

    A Crime Dog for the ages.

  7. leon

    Very good. Tragic. How could he go on pretending to be her friend? Good Boy.

    • Tonio

      How could he not? Any change in his behavior would be seen as suspicious.

      Also, he was only pretending all along. Psychopaths are like that.

  8. Tundra

    Bravo!

  9. Swiss Servator

    Oh my. I….don’t know what to say other than “good piece o’ writin'”

  10. R C Dean

    Just . . . wow. I’ve been wondering what The Sugarless One would do with that commercial.

  11. Not Adahn

    Goddamn, this one was good, and not just in the stylized horror-slapstick way the SF stories are good. Like good for normies good. Good-good.

    • Tundra

      It has that early Stephen King-like normalcy/horror tension.

      Just excellent.

      • Not Adahn

        Yeah, and I like the way that lines make sense in retrospect , particularly the 7th and 8th paragraphs.

      • Tundra

        The wind shifts as she drives away and a whole new scent floods my nose. It is new and old at the same time. I howl for her to go back to the farm. I need more. I howl and I howl.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of zombies

    Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, sitting next to her husband, former President Bill Clinton, admitted Wednesday night that she had played a pivotal role in his decision to name Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court in 1993.

    “I knew that of all the people who were part of the women’s movement she was one of the key players because of her creative understanding of the law and her sense of commitment,” said Hillary Clinton, who’s a lawyer herself. She added, “I may have expressed an opinion or two about the people he should bring to the top of the list.”

    “Admitted”

    Right.

    “Once I have been selected as the Democratic nominee, by acclamation at the convention, I will immediately set to work on a list of court nominees who will roll back Trump’s radical right wing agenda.”

    • R C Dean

      her creative understanding of the law and her sense of commitment

      IOW, somebody who should never be a judge.

      Hillary Clinton, who’s a lawyer herself

      I’d be very surprised if she still holds a license. If not, she’s not a lawyer.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Yeah that stuck out to me, too. The sad thing is that ginsburg is one of the less “creative” of the prog caucus.

      • leon

        I had a high shcool history teacher define Tyranny as “Arbitrary, especially with regard to the law”. that’s what i think of when i hear “creative understanding of the law”

      • Rebel Scum

        Saw that. Absolutely absurd. They are supposed to be committed to the Constitution and law as written. Leftists accuse Trump/Republicans/etc. of activist judges when they are the ones that want judicial activism. Projection, projection, projection.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        +1 South African Constitution

      • Ted S.

        Andrew Napolitano isn’t a judge, either.

    • Naptown Bill

      …creative understanding of the law…

      I guess that’s why she’s so qualified to be president. See, here I am thinking this is the absolute last quality I want in a judge. After all, you don’t normally see a lot of people at a football game saying, “Man, I’m so glad that the refs have such a creative understanding of what constitutes a catch.”

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Man, I’m so glad that the refs have such a creative understanding of what constitutes a catch.”

        Depends on which way the call goes. Team sports are kind of like team politics in that regard, but with more consequences.

      • Naptown Bill

        Yeah, I should’ve specified that I’m coming from the perspective of someone who wants government if it must exist to function as an impartial arbiter, not someone who sees government as a cat’s paw for my own personal agenda.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        ^ great American ^

        you’re probably all alone when you’re in meat*space

        I don’t know anyone who doesn’t believe that the government is that agency, once captured by election, managed for the thrusting of one’s beliefs onto his neighbors and taxing them to pay for it all the while

      • Naptown Bill

        I think someone said something to the effect of government being like a sword; while you’re holding it you can exert your will, but eventually you’ll have to put it down, and then it’s up for grabs. It’s better for everyone, myself included, if the sword is as short and dull as possible, because most of the time it’s gonna be pointed at me.

      • leon

        I’m trying to think. I might know 1 other person in meatspace that has that opinion.

      • Naptown Bill

        I know a few people who sort of generally believe government shouldn’t be able to tell people what to do, in kind of a broad sense, but not many people who believe that any time you permit the government to acquire some sort of power it will 100% be used against your best interests eventually, no matter what it might be. I think most people sort of hope that doesn’t happen and vote accordingly, rather than expecting that it will and deciding whether the thing they want government to do for them is worth it.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        The few freedom conservative types I know believe their company is being regulated to death

        but CorpX over there that madeacrappytire/screwedmeonaservicecontract: there oughtabealaw!@11!!

        Often, it’s a question of whose children are being gored.

      • Rhywun

        It’s a tacit admission that everything her side wants is unconstitutional.

    • R C Dean

      The “impeachment” proceedings are going to make the election incredibly ugly.

      If Barr and Durham drop any meaningful indictments of the Russia Collusion conspirators, it will get even uglier.

      If Ginsburg finally kicks it and there is a SCOTUS fight in the Senate over her replacement, it will be even uglier still.

      *calls broker, orders popcorn futures*

      • Raston Bot

        if by “ugly” you mean “hook it directly into my veins”, then i agree.

      • Not Adahn

        Popcorn? I think it would call for a compounding of MDMA, cocaine, and cabergoline.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Sprinkled on popcorn.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        The fact that the Russian Collusion conspirators are the same as the Ukraine conspirators are the same as the Emailghazi conspirators makes this particularly yummy.

        I only hope that Trump goes scorched earth when it looks like they have him pinned in the corner.

    • Rebel Scum

      who’s a lawyer herself

      But is she?

      • R C Dean

        I searched the Arkansas state bar for any lawyer with the last name “Clinton” and got “ain’t none”, which is a little odd since its not an uncommon name. Also no hits on last name “Rodham”, and one hit on first name “Hillary”.

        “Inactive” licenses are easy to keep – pay a fee, don’t need CLE – so its possible she is still licensed and their search function doesn’t show inactive attorneys, but I can’t confirm either way.

        Can’t imagine why she would have a law license anywhere else.

      • Drake

        Well… she went to law school. Had some trouble with that pesky bar exam. Bill passed but got himself disbarred.

    • Plisade

      I watched that Notorious RBG documentary. In it she admits (directly or indirectly, I can’t recall) that while on the Supreme Court she made the conscious decision to move further left to balance what she saw as an increasingly conservative group of appointees.

      • Rebel Scum

        conscious decision to move further left

        Which means she is literally (in the actual sense of the word) not qualified to be a supreme court justice.

      • Drake

        And it means she’s conscious – two lies in one!

  13. Not Adahn

    Also, I love the dog soooo much. He is such a good boy.

  14. The Hyperbole

    I would not have thought you could out do H&H 136 but damn SF, you are killing it. Excellent work.

  15. Fourscore

    Another reason not to have a dog. Don’t know what Fido might bring back. Thanks Sugar Free.

    • Gender Traitor

      An outdoor cat will bring you all sorts of dead (or not quite so dead) stuff, just not so big.

      • R C Dean

        The Dean Beasts don’t bring us their kills, they leave them just inside the gate to their yard. Trophies to date include one (endangered) Gila Monster and one four foot black racer snake. I managed to intervene before the Big Dumb One killed the six foot bull snake.

        Their yard is now heavily armored against reptile intrusions – metal grates, a cordon sanitaire free of vegetation, and flashing all along the outside of the wall.

      • Fourscore

        When I did have a dog she was merciless on snakes, tarantulas and cow manure. Kill, roll, and run back with a smile, if dogs smile. If the critter was big , like a cat backed into a corner she would go into a frenzy attack but when the cat wouldn’t run she’d pretend that she lost interest and look for an excuse to leave the cat alone.

        An armadillo was fair game, armadillo would run 3-4 steps and forget what it was running from and go back to looking for grubs. Dog would give up and look for that fresh cow manure that couldn’t get away

      • Naptown Bill

        My dogs are old and fat and we live in the city, so mostly they don’t bring anything back. When Big Fat Dummy, aka Jack, was younger, he’d bring whole families of rabbits. At least most of them. Carmen was more of a birder, but if she got anything she’d hide it so Jack wouldn’t try to eat it. They both run out to bark at squirrels, but so far they haven’t put a dent in the local population. Now that they’re in active retirement it’s all mostly for show, anyway.

      • TARDIS

        My outdoor cat brought back the stinkiest gas. “Dammit cat, what did you eat!”

  16. Gustave Lytton

    Damn. Sounds almost exactly how my dog would vocal their actions.

  17. Raston Bot

    whoa that was disturbing. i so badly wanted it to finish with her beating him to death with her daughter’s femur.

    • Tonio

      That would have made it ultimately funny. This ending just leaves you with a sense of sadness.

      • Raston Bot

        it was already sad the whole way through. since it was SF, i half expected him to change into a Lovecraftian horror and snake a tentacle through the floorboard to penetrate the mother while her daughter’s voice emanated from nowhere calling for her mommy. the damn man has shifted my expectations for great literature!

      • Bobarian LMD

        I see it as now, with the dog being old and decrepit, that Mom and dog end up next to the girl behind the barn.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Agreed. I think the story ended because our narrator got a pitchfork to the base of the skull.

      • SugarFree

        You didn’t watch the commercial.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I did, but I’m known to miss important details. I assumed all the murdering happened during the text slide before it shows him driving the car away with two corpses jammed in the back.

      • leon

        I just figured he’s way too old to overpower her.

      • R C Dean

        The important detail might be the dog alive and well in the back seat as it is driven away.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Oh, I watched on my phone without it even being full screen. It’s not even my fault this time. There’s no way I’d be able to see whether the dog was alive or taxidermied and used to carry his owner’s organs through town without raising suspicions.

      • R C Dean

        I can hear them talking as I get closer to the porch. I want to bark. I want to howl. I want to growl.

        My blood is roaring in my ears.

        I want to think the old dog still has one last bite left to give.

        And that’s what is so wonderful about this story – it leaves plenty of room for the imagination. Truly a rare gift.

      • MikeS

        She beat the old fucker with his own cane. And Banjo pissed on his corpse.

        Good boy, Banjo! *ear scratch*

  18. Rebel Scum

    This was manic and sad.

  19. kinnath

    She isn’t deep.

    This is when the story turned.

    • Mojeaux

      Out of context post of the day.

    • R C Dean

      For me, it was “I have never forgotten”. Repeated twice. I immediately went to a place of mingled hate and sadness.

  20. Rebel Scum

    Also, bt-dubs, the house formalized the not-impeachment shenanigans. They saw fit to deny any and all semblance of some form of transparency, fairness to the opposing party and due process. If I was Trump I would comply with nothing and goad them to hold an actual impeachment vote so we could get to the real, legal/constitutional process of the trial by Senate.

    • Drake

      Two dissenting Dems – neither of them running for President.

    • mindyourbusiness

      The Dems really know how to play a great game of Calvinball, don’t they?

    • R C Dean

      Amash voted for it. He’s technically an (I) now, so not “bi-partisan”.

      Ponder that on the Tree of Woe: (former) libertarian darling Amash voted for a star chamber, devoid of any semblance of due process, to unseat the elected President.

      • leon

        The Talking point from Ben McAdams (D-UT) is that he supports an “Open and transparent” process that voters don’t have to view the Democratic/Republican” Spin.

        All i know is that like The Republicans changing the Game with Clinton, the Dems have just ratcheted it further.

      • Drake

        He’s gone full douche-bag. The moment Trump starting working on fair-trade with China, he became a Koch brother.

      • Drake

        Tulsi didn’t go bi-partisan either.

  21. Mojeaux

    Sooooooo SF, have you ever considered compiling these into a collection and, you know, publishing them?

    • SugarFree

      On occasion. But it would be hard without the commercials to refer to.

      • Gustave Lytton

        If Subaru was smart, they’d pay a lot of money to make these disappear.

        I mentioned last night I was seeing the ads of the girl who kills her parents on the cliff. It’s indelibly linked in my mind now.

      • Not Adahn

        Yeah. I’d never want to get the site in trouble, but I also wish I could witness the ad agency social media drone experience these stories for the first time.

        Ditto the Cosmo covers.

      • UnCivilServant

        How are the in-house lawyers at arguing fair use?

      • Sean

        “Your honor, at this time, I’d like to submit a narrowed gaze.”

      • R C Dean

        “Case.

        DISMISSED!”

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I could write a brief entirely composed of Matlock quotes, if that would be helpful.

      • UnCivilServant

        That mayberry well have an impact, but not in our favor.

      • Gender Traitor

        ***Thunderous applause!!***

      • Ted S.

        I have hearsay and conjecture; those are kinds of evidence!

      • R C Dean

        Indeed they are!

        The inadmissable kind.

    • CPRM

      I made him the cover art, if he ever does.

      • Naptown Bill

        I assume the cover is orphan skin.

      • CPRM

        Bound in human orphan flesh and inked in blood. This ancient Sumerian Glibertarian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations, and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living.”

      • UnCivilServant

        Ah, a little light reading.

      • SugarFree

        “When there is no more server space in hell…”

      • UnCivilServant

        Look, it’s not our fault cloud services took off.

      • CPRM

        Now we’re doing DIY abortions at the mall?

      • UnCivilServant

        We buy coathangers in bulk and pass the savings on to you?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yang can D&X, the new series on PBS?

      • Mojeaux

        We buy coathangers in bulk and pass the savings on to you

        LOL

      • Nephilium

        Klatu!

        Barada!

        Necktie… Nickle… It’s an N word… definitely an N word!

      • Rhywun

        Nagger?

      • Not Adahn

        Necco? Those things are pretty horrifying.

      • R C Dean

        Nee – kar – aw – wa?

  22. Plisade

    Great stuff! Thanks.

  23. Jarflax

    Very well written. I don’t mean that as a “Oh wow good writing for the website” compliment, or even the sort of this is good you should try to publish. This was professional award level prose. Now your choices of subjects may limit your publishability… But seriously, this was good enough to win a major award back in the before time when awards were given for artistry not political purity.

    • SugarFree

      Thank you.

  24. SandMan

    Very entertaining read, enjoyed the dog perspective.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Politics of inclusion

    At this particular moment in history — where the average worker has not seen a real inflation accounted for wage increase in 45 years despite an explosion of technology and productivity, where you have a political system which is totally corrupt and owned by billionaires, where you have massive amounts of corporate corruption, I think the time is now, if we’re going to save this country, for a political revolution.

    It’s not just more regulation. It’s about involving millions of people, working people, young people, people who believe in justice, in the political process, to tell the corporate elite that enough is enough. We’re going to change the system politically, economically. We’re going to change the value system of this country. We’re not going to worship corrupt billionaires anymore, we’re going to respect teachers and child care workers and cops and firefighters and small business people. That’s what our campaign, uniquely I believe, is about.

    We all need someone to hate. Hate is all you need.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      where the average worker has not seen a real inflation accounted for wage increase in 45 years despite an explosion of technology and productivity

      Of course, if you look at real total compensation, there has only been a few years where it didn’t go up, and those years tended to be recessions.

    • libertarianjoe

      Today’s billionaire was yesterday’s small business owner. Why is it that when a guy owns one restaurant and employs 25 people, he’s a hero, but when that same guy grows his business to own 200 restaurants and employs 5,000 people, he’s evil?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Only a hero when used as a cudgel for the narrative. That same single restaurant owner will be vilified when they aren’t needed. See ‘if you can’t afford to pay $X, you shouldn’t be in business’ or “you didn’t build it”.

      • libertarianjoe

        Yeah, or until they decide to exercise freedom of association and not bake a cake they don’t want to bake

      • leon

        Because all he does is sit at a desk and collect money. He doesn’t “Work” because we should limit peoples income to what they are able to create with their own bear hands. Honestly if we got rid of computers it would make a lot of people have their Jobs back.

      • Bobarian LMD

        bear hands

        Hairy palms?

      • leon

        Everyone is entitled to bear arms.

    • R C Dean

      the average worker has not seen a real inflation accounted for wage increase in 45 years

      When I run the average “net compensation” in 1990 ($20,172) through the inflation calculator, I get $38,755 in 2019 dollars.

      The average net compensation in 2018 was $50,044, 29% higher than the inflation adjusted number from 1990.

      So, what’s the old fraud babbling about? Looks like a 29% inflation-adjusted increase in the last 28 years.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Maybe median worker wages vs average? I have no doubt that wages have increased quite a bit for certain sectors and jobs while remaining flat or declining for others. Almost like it’s a signal…

      • Gustave Lytton

        Also, cherry picking the start dates such as 45 years ago can produce interesting differences.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        Yes. Median is another story.

        And that’s before you figure the fraction of medical and retirement that employers no longer contribute or the hours worked

      • R C Dean

        He referred to the “average” worker, so I went with average. For median, you go from $14,498 to the inflation adjusted 2018 number of $27,854. The actual median in 2018 is $32,838, or 18% more than the inflation adjusted number.

        My question stands.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Total compensation.

        Most of that is going into heavily regulated health care and not in the workers’ pockets for consumer goods.

        And since health care is a right and should be free this is a tragedy.

      • R C Dean

        The net compensation numbers I am using are defined this way:

        To be more precise, however, the index is based on compensation (wages, tips, and the like) subject to Federal income taxes, as reported by employers on Form W-2.

        They don’t include most employee benefits, including health insurance or 401K contributions.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        So the real total compensation should be even higher then.

      • leon

        That’s assuming a constant value of the other compensation. If it went down, then Total real compensation could be less. This is where “Inflation” measures git very sticky. Let’s take a look at Health Care exclusively. It’s easier to bury smaller wages in cuts to health insurance benefits than straight wage cuts. So Perhaps you aren’t getting as much as what you used to pay would have bought you. (i.e it’s easier to hide inflation in things that are hard to measure). On the flip side, it’s hard to measure improvements just based of monetary amounts. It’s pretty standard to be able to schedule “Remote visits” with doctors now, something which wasn’t even imaginable 40 years ago. How do you account for improved quality, when it has come as a matter of course.

      • R C Dean

        Its the difference between price/cost and value. We can track changes in price/cost (kinda), but not changes in value.

      • leon

        Yup. I believe that a big reason we haven’t seen a large amount of inflation post 2009 has been because of lots of deflationary pressures from tech advances, and Amazon.com.

      • R C Dean

        As far as health insurance benefits go, I would bet that the cost to workers has gone up as the cost of “insurance” has gone up, but that the value has stayed level or (more likely) declined.

      • leon

        Working in or adjacent to the Health Industry, i’d say you have a better thumb on that than i would. I feel like there have been advances in medicines and treatments, but you are probably right that those are mostly of marginal benefit to the rarer cases. So for example a kid born with Cystic Fibrosis, who may have only lived till 10 or 15 may now live to be 30, so medical advancements have been huge for that population.

        But partly that is the nature of the Health Care industry. Benefits are mostly going to accrue to the few who actually need them.

      • Mojeaux

        I would bet that the cost to workers has gone up as the cost of “insurance” has gone up

        You would win that bet.

        Ever since Obamacare, our premium has doubled and the maximum allowed to go into the health care spending account was lowered (dramatically, for us).

        That is not a big part of our financial difficulties, but it does play a part.

      • Mojeaux

        So for example a kid born with Cystic Fibrosis, who may have only lived till 10 or 15 may now live to be 30, so medical advancements have been huge for that population.

        But what is the quality of life for that extra 15 or 20 years?

      • R C Dean

        The value of health insurance (like any insurance) is almost entirely subjective most of the time, because you aren’t really buying health care services, you are buying peace of mind that, if you need it, you will be able to get it.

        I’m pretty sure the out of pocket cost of both health insurance and health care have gone up for workers. The out of pocket for health care has really gone up since OCare, since it pushed the market toward high-deductible high-copay plans. So the cost has gone up. Has the value? The “peace of mind” value is probably pretty flat over time, but as you observe, that also depends on the value of health care itself.

      • Mojeaux

        you are buying peace of mind that, if you need it, you will be able to get it.

        I don’t think health insurance works that way psychologically speaking, because most people know that if you go to the ER, you aren’t going to get turned away.

        Car insurance is mandatory, so this doesn’t enter the conversation.

        AAA insurance does work that way, though. I’ve had that for almost 30 years. I’ve gone YEARS without using it at all, but I keep that card in my wallet every time I drive anyway. We’ve used it 6 times this year. I have zero qualms about paying that premium.

        Our home warranty is/was the same way. It’s paid for itself every single year but even if we didn’t have it one year, it was worth it.

        We are about to find out if renter’s insurance gives us that peace of mind.

      • Mojeaux

        but even if we didn’t have it one year, it was worth it.

        even if we didn’t have to use it one year*

      • invisible finger

        “But what is the quality of life for that extra 15 or 20 years?”

        Assuming the quality is good, it’s an additional 15-20 years of health care that costs something. Of course, the patients now has some additional years of productivity in which to pay for that care, but the fact is that it is additional demand on the health care system. Without additional supply, the cost of the health care increases.

        That is what was so infuriating about Obamacare – all they did was increase healthcare demand without increasing healthcare supply and somehow by burying one’s head in the sand the prices were supposed to go down rather than skyrocket.

      • Jarflax

        The funny thing about this is if you think about it rationally there is no reason whatsoever that average compensation should rise over time. For an individual your compensation rises over time because you gain skill and experience, but that is you moving up within the set being averaged and absent over all growth the set itself does not move. If you do the same work your Grandparent did at your age, why do you deserve more money for it than he earned?

        Average wage growth can only come from overall economic growth. Overall economic growth comes from profits being reinvested. If you are proposing curtailing profit to grow wages you are proposing exactly the same thing as someone who suggests that we could have more bread if we just ground up the seed corn for flour.

      • Rasilio

        In the aggregate it should go up some.

        There are 4 sources of economic growth…

        1) Population growth. More people axiomatically means more consumption and more labor available to produce to feed that consumption and so the economy grows. This however has no impact on average compensation rates as this new population’s income should be distributed roughly in line with the rest of the populations.

        2) Inflation. This causes the absolute value of GDP along with wages to rise however it does not represent any increase in wealth of well being as prices also rise. It will cause structural changes in the economy and so some workers will see net inflation adjusted gains in their wages while others see declines it will however by definition have no impact on inflation adjusted aggregate values,

        3) An influx of new resources, typically this happens because of technology but there can be other causes. This is a fairly rare event and while the gains from it are permanent, the economy as a whole and on average everyone in it is wealthier, the gains are realized over a fairly short period of time and once the new equilibrium level is reached there should be no further expectation of gains.

        4) Productivity growth. Technological changes (which include development of new business and management processes) make workers more productive. This makes the economy as a whole wealthier and we should see growth in real inflation adjusted wages over time from it as workers should expect to capture the same percentage of the new wealth generated by the productivity growth as they captured of the revenue generated before the change that made them more productive.

        So there is a reason to expect low levels of continual wage growth

      • Jarflax

        Population growth won’t change average wages at all as you mentioned. Inflation is indexed for in the number. The other two items both depend on investment and are part of what I am referring to. Productivity growth is not magic, it is a result of investment in technology and in efficiency.

      • invisible finger

        The part that pissed me off is the mention of productivity without mentioning supply and demand. But of course the entire point of the rant is to mislead.

        My productivity may have increased – but how much of that increase is due to better tools (supplied by the employer) and better working conditions (supplied by the employer)? The answer could very well be “most of it”.

        If the per capita demand for the output has increased 8x, and the productivity (per producer) per capita has increased 8x, there should be no expected increase in compensation UNLESS the supply of producers per capita has fallen. If the supply of producers has increased, compensation should be expected to decrease.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      we’re going to respect teachers and child care workers and cops and firefighters and small business people

      How about accountants and outside sales reps and technical sales engineers and admin assistants and stay at home moms and regional supply chain managers? Or are we just respecting the people that your average 3 year old can point out in a crowd?

    • Rhywun

      Revolution! Radical change! Smash the system!!

      Why the fuck is anybody listening this damn commie?! I don’t get it.

  26. Spudalicious

    Well that wasn’t disturbing at all…

    • Festus

      No, it was majestic.

      • Gender Traitor

        Hope you’re continuing to feel better, sir.

      • Festus

        Bureaucratic set-backs cost me three weeks wages and forced me to go back to work next Monday but at least my pancreas isn’t eating itself and playing speed bag with my gall bladder anymore. Still have the hernia surgery to look forward to (someday). I’m better but bitter.

      • Gender Traitor

        Ouch – that’s right. I’d forgotten about that part. I’m so sorry you’re going through that nightmare.

      • Festus

        I’ll live. Diminished, not done. Thanks for your concern!

  27. The Late P Brooks

    So, what’s the old fraud babbling about? Looks like a 29% inflation-adjusted increase in the last 28 years.

    Every time I see that “no wage growth for the Working Man” nugget, I assume it is complete and utter bullshit. I’m too goddam lazy to even try to parse the specifics.

    We imported deflation from Asia for decades. You can buy things now that couldn’t be had for any amount of money when I was in high school; things not substantively distinguishable from magic, at the time.

    The idea that American workers are somehow worse off, as a species, than they were in 1970 is utterly preposterous.

    • Festus

      Jesus, remember how well-off the first kids in school were that owned 1st gen Walkmen? Go back a few years before that and it was microwave ovens and pocket calculators that were out of reach for most households.

    • LJW

      They usually ignore employee benefits when throwing out their wage growth numbers. Insurance costs have grown. Also people are demanding more benefits. Unlimited PTO was unheard of a few years ago, now it’s becoming common. Paid paternity and maternity leave, stock options… I could keep going.

      • R C Dean

        Unlimited PTO was unheard of a few years ago, now it’s becoming common.

        How common is it? I have yet to run into it in the wild. I don’t see any way we could run a hospital if we couldn’t manage the size and availability of our workforce, which means managing how much PTO they get.

      • leon

        I had a job with “Unlimited PTO” and it’s utter horseshit. The lazy workers take off a bunch, and then the “Harder” workers who are conscious about how much work needs to get done, feels guilty about taking any off. And then because it’s unlimited there is not actual monetary compensation for it, so when you leave your out shit for the vacation you never took. I firmly believe that the trend is a shadow way of making employees happy about loosing a big chunk of their compensation.

      • R C Dean

        And then because it’s unlimited there is not actual monetary compensation for it,

        Then its not Paid Time Off.

      • leon

        Well I mean, that you don’t have a set amount that you are given. So when you leave, you are not entitled to that as part of your compensation. You get Paid when you take it.

      • R C Dean

        Got it.

        I would imagine it would only work for companies that don’t have tight staffing and scheduling requirements.

        Or a tight operating margin. You can’t really pay for very many unproductive hours on a 2% margin.

      • Brett L

        I worked for a company that did that. Their policies were basically:
        1) Must maintain acceptable performance on all job duties
        2) Need manager’s approval for more than two weeks consecutively
        3) Need VP level approval for to be out more than 50% over any period longer than 28 days
        4) If, due to a qualifying event you are on PTO for more than 6 weeks consecutively you will rolled to short-term disability, otherwise, you’ll probably be terminated long before you get to six weeks

        Of course, they were the highest performing and most scarily competent organization I ever worked for, including the HR people, so they probably managed it very well.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Unlimited PTO was unheard of a few years ago, now it’s becoming common.

        In the legal industry, this is pure evil. Unlimited PTO means no PTO at a law firm.

      • leon

        Exactly what i’m saying. Unlimited means “you don’t take it you loose it”, but we won’t tell you how much we think you should take and so you are trying to make sure you don’t take to much. Rather than just saying “I have two weeks, so i can take Two weeks”.

      • Rhywun

        I have not heard of this concept before, but yes, my immediate thought is it means no time off.

    • invisible finger

      “The idea that American workers are somehow worse off, as a species, than they were in 1970 is utterly preposterous.”

      You are dead wrong.

      If you take into account the 200X increase in government regulation and the 2-3X additional direct government tax burden, the American worker IS appreciably worse off than 1970.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    The funny thing about this is if you think about it rationally there is no reason whatsoever that average compensation should rise over time. For an individual your compensation rises over time because you gain skill and experience, but that is you moving up within the set being averaged and absent over all growth the set itself does not move. If you do the same work your Grandparent did at your age, why do you deserve more money for it than he earned?

    An excellent point.

    • R C Dean

      there is no reason whatsoever that average compensation should rise over time

      I can think of one reason: the mix of low, medium, and high skill (and thus presumably value) jobs shifts over time. As low-value jobs decrease (due to technology, automation, whatever), and mid- and high-value jobs increase, the average compensation should go up.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        and mid- and high-value jobs increase, the average compensation should go up.

        In the short term, yes. However, medium skill (and to a lesser extent, high skill) jobs are just as susceptible to supply gluts as any other commodity.

      • R C Dean

        As long as the long-term trend is away from low-skill and toward mid- and high-skill jobs, the long-term average compensation should increase.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        That’s my point though. Admin assistant/Secretary used to be a well paying medium skill job. Then everybody learned how to type, and you’re lucky to make $30k as an admin assistant.

        Maybe I’m making your point for you in that being a secretary went from a medium skill job to a low skill job, but I wouldn’t expect large scale migration into higher skill jobs to necessarily result in real compensation growth. I’d expect it to reduce the relative compensation for those higher skill jobs.

      • leon

        there is no reason whatsoever that average compensation should rise over time

        I would say yes and no.

        If people only consume, and replace capital (i.e there are no savings) then yes average compensation should not rise.

        But if there is savings, then you should expect average income to rise over time as the savings are invested to make production more efficient

      • R C Dean

        I think that’s what I was trying to get at.

        Running a shovel – low skill.

        Running a backhoe – medium skill.

      • Fourscore

        Finishing a job on contracted date, priceless

  29. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Bravo!

    After watching the commercial I thought it was going to be about the woman sucking the life out of the other two because she doesn’t age in the commercial while they wither. But this was good.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Lesbian porn site?

        That is an absolute smear if I’ve ever heard one, and I demands pics or it didn’t happen.

      • AlmightyJB

        Lesbian porn is my fav.

      • Plisade

        I find the writing here to be far from pap, so no offense intended.

      • Gender Traitor

        That which was done by you in that place did not go unnoticed.

  30. mexican sharpshooter

    Well that was…

    …um

    …Listen I am going back to work.

  31. AlmightyJB

    I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that damn dog.

    • Gender Traitor

      Ruh-roh!

      • Trials and Trippelations

        Maybe Trump can give the dog a medal

    • hayeksplosives

      Excellent.

  32. Gender Traitor

    Hey now – I drive a Subaru, and I only like boys.

    With the possible exception of TV-Addams-Family-era Carolyn Jones (since it’s Halloween.)

  33. CPRM

    For Halloween I wanted to play one of my Evil Dead video games, but the ol’ xbox won’t eject the disc that’s in there.

    • Gender Traitor

      You need an Xbox exorcist.

    • AlmightyJB

      We just watched Evil Dead last weekend.

    • Festus

      Just pick it up and shake it like a colicky baby.

  34. grrizzly

    I’ve enjoyed reading it. I forgot that it was going to be a horror story, the text was captivating regardless of the ending.

  35. Chipwooder

    Confession time: I love the Soviet national anthem. Sure, it represents an appalling regime, but damn if it’s not stirring!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I think Chip is trying to tell us something about himself.

      It’s OK Chip, you can come clean with us. Are you a Bernie man?

      • leon

        Libertarians for Trump Hillary Bernie!

      • Chipwooder

        The Libertarian Case for Gus Hall

      • Chipwooder

        Bernie? Pffft, he’s a Trotskyist.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I’ve always been more partial to Polyushko-polye

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2YlbiyiuMc

      The commies were evil but they could do branding and marketing of their ideas. To the point where we still can’t rid of them.

      • Raston Bot

        ^this was so surreal when it happened at Sochi’s opening ceremonies.

    • Gender Traitor

      Whereas the U.S. national anthem leaves much to be desired aesthetically and is a certifiable booger to sing. Hypothesis: a country’s livability is inversely proportional to its anthem’s musical appeal.

      • Chipwooder

        Romania’s is pretty intense.

      • Rhywun

        Azerbaijan is another favorite. It sounds like something out of Conan the Barbarian.

    • Rhywun

      #metoo

      IIRC, post-collapse of the CCCP, they changed to a different anthem.

      Putin brought it back with new words.

  36. TARDIS

    Well, that was um… heartwarming. The story, not the video. The video made me roll my eyes.

    Also, a good dog is as patient as death.

    • R C Dean

      Indeed.

      I have never forgotten. I cannot get out of the yard. I have never forgotten. I stare at his farm.

      In my mind, the old man is marked. The dog knows death and buried things. The dog is waiting his chance.

  37. The Late P Brooks

    Confession time: I love the Soviet national anthem. Sure, it represents an appalling regime, but damn if it’s not stirring!

    I like the Italian national anthem. You hear it when a Ferrari wins an F1 race. It’s a happy, peppy little tune.

  38. bacon-magic

    wow

  39. Ozymandias

    Great piece, SF. Wonderful idea that was perfectly executed. I add my concurrence (for whatever that’s worth) that this is publishable.
    It reminds me of Stephen King’s “Quitter’s, Inc.” for reasons that are too long to explain in a post, but I’ll just say they “rhyme” for me.
    Beautifully done.

  40. mikey

    Oh, my.

  41. Hyperion

    Late to the party, SF. But that is some very talented writing. Best thing I believe I have ever read on here. You have the talent, ever consider a career in writing fiction novels?

  42. MikeS

    I got here very late. But had to say, wow.

    Just, wow.

  43. DEG

    This is really good.