The Hat and The Hair: Episode 136

by | Oct 23, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 235 comments

 

“Facebook?” the hair asked.

“Of course,” the hat replied.

“CNN?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Google? Apple? Microsoft? The NBA?” the hair asked.

“Yes, yes, yes, and hell yes,” the hat confirmed.

“They’re all Russian assets?”

“Yup. All Russian assets.”

“And all of the Democratic candidates?” the hair asked.

“Everyone one of them. And when they lose to Donald, that will prove it.”

“Huh?”

“Try and keep up, OK?” the hat sighed.

“Is there anyone who isn’t a Russian asset?”

“Only Hillary. That’s why she’s going to jump into the race,” the hat said. “She’ll have to in order to save America. If there were any legitimate candidates on in Putin’s employ, then Hillary wouldn’t be forced–FORCED, I SAY!–to get into the race.”

“All Russian assets?” the hair asked incredulously.

“Only a Russian asset would question their designation as a Russian asset,” the hat said matter-of-factly.

“Is that all of them, just the entire traditional and social media and all twelve Democratic candidates?” the hair asked.

“No, there are more. Far more. Millions more,” the hat said and paused for dramatic effect. “Everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016 is also a Russian asset.”

“That can’t be true,” the hair said.

“And some of the one that did vote for her too. They confused the electoral college by giving Hillary the win of the popular vote.”

The hair gasped and whispered, “Diabolical.”

The hat nodded sagely.

“So who isn’t a Russian asset?” the hair asked.

“Well, Hillary, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“And Chelsea. And maybe Bill.”

“What about his penis?” the hair asked.

“Oh, Bill’s penis is definitely a Russian asset.”

“What about Huma?” the hair asked.

“Well, she was a Russian asset, but Hillary turned her.”

“How did she turn her?”

The hat lolled out his tongue and waggled it suggestively.

“Ah,” the hair said.

“Sapphic rites,” the hat said.

“No, I get it,” the hair replied.

“A trip through the rubyfruit jungle. She shucked her oyster.”

“You’ve made it clear…”

“Bumped doughnuts. Munched her rug. Licked her carpet. Slurped her hairy taco.”

“Stop, just stop.”

“Stirred her bean curd!’ the hat said.

“‘Stirred her bean curd?!?’” the hair asked, confused.

“It’s Chinese.”

“Chinese?” the hair asked.

“Is there a fucking echo in here or something?” the hat asked Donald.

“You guys need to slow down,” Donald said. “I’m trying to write all this down and you are going way too fast.”

“Well, let me see what you have so far,” the hat asked. Donald turned the writing pad and slid it across the desk to the hat.

The hat studied the pad intently and then said, “Donald, this is just a drawing of two giraffes having sex.”

“And that’s a hyena watching,” Donald said, pointing to the small figure in the lower corner.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

235 Comments

  1. Jarflax

    Best yet! The hyena watching is awesome. I can see the picture hanging on the White House Fridge now. It is held up with a MAGAnet

    • AlexinCT

      When I win Powerball I was planning to start up my own pr0n production studio….

      Was gonna call it Pizzabox productions cause all the movies started with some pizza delivery dude hiding behind some bushes wanking it hard while watching some action, and then, when the camera pans on em, he says “I like to watch”…

      Gonna need to work in the hyena angle now….

  2. Don Escaped Texas

    “Only a Russian asset would question their designation as a Russian asset,” the hat said matter-of-factly.

    That’s some catch, that Catch-22.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Bravo

      • Don Escaped Texas

        But in whose voice to say it: Doc Daneeka? exPFC Wintergreen?

        Alan Arkin and Norman Fell, BTW: I just barely look at them and I start laughing.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’m envisioning Donnie, the hat and the hair as a sort of analog for Dreedl, Cathcart, and Korn

  3. PieInTheSky

    no

  4. The Late P Brooks

    A trip through the rubyfruit jungle.

    Jungle? Needz moar agent orange.

    • CPRM

      Donnie IS Agent Orange.

      • Not Adahn

        “Operation: Brazilian”

      • Chafed

        Donna Brazilian?

    • Tonio

      Rubyfruit Jungle is the title of a lesbian coming-of-age novel, so the reference is positively dripping with vaginal imagery.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I’m seeing hairy grapefruit.

  5. Tundra

    “And that’s a hyena watching,” Donald said, pointing to the small figure in the lower corner.

    I’m dying. Thanks, SF!

  6. Not Adahn

    Stirred her bean curd!’ the hat said.

    “‘Stirred her bean curd?!?’” the hair asked, confused.

    “It’s Chinese.”

    “Chinese?” the hair asked.

    “Is there a fucking echo in here or something?” the hat asked Donald.

    *flollop and vollues*

  7. Sean

    ? ❤️ ?

    Awesome.

    • Jarflax

      Awe, are they necking?

      • Tundra

        That’s a stretch.

      • leon

        Too High Brow?

      • Rebel Scum

        You guys will go to great lengths to bother Swiss.

      • UnCivilServant

        The reliability of pun threads getting his attention is a bit spotty, though.

      • Rebel Scum

        He’ll see it if we extend it far enough.

      • Bobarian LMD

        If it stretches far enough, he’ll be able to see it with his eyes nearly shut.

      • Swiss Servator

        *STRONGLY NARROWS GAZE*

  8. CPRM


    Brilliant!

  9. wdalasio

    “And that’s a hyena watching,”

    True art.

    • MikeS

      I just about spit pizza all over my monitor when I read that one.

      • Rebel Scum

        That’s quite the cackle.

      • Swiss Servator

        The hat studied the pad intently and then said, “Donald, this is just a drawing of two giraffes having sex.”

        “And that’s a hyena watching,” Donald said, pointing to the small figure in the lower corner.

        That came out of nowhere to provoke outright astonished laughter. Magnificent.

  10. Rebel Scum

    Only a Russian asset would question their designation as a Russian asset

    Barely parody.

    • Don Escaped Texas

      imagine all the punch lines to

      When is a Russian asset not a Russian asset? When it’s a . . . .

      • Aplut Ton

        Ukranian asset?

  11. leon

    EVAN MCMUFFAN IS A RUSSIAN ASSET!

    • Not Adahn

      Obviously. After all “Mc-” is just a translation of the Russian “-vich.”

      • leon

        Also Mc- Clearly Irish. And the Irish were symapthetic to the Nazi’s during WW1. Clearly a Russian Nazi

  12. TARDIS

    Very nice. Now I can nap with sweet dreams.

    Wait, the hyena represents something, right? RIGHT???

    • SugarFree

      Hyena Dream Interpretation and Meaning

      Seeing a hyena in a dream may suggest that you are likely to have considerable disappointment and bad luck in a project and that the people you are dealing with will be less than pleasant. If you are involved in a romantic relationship and have a hyena dream, it indicates that you and your loved one are likely to quarrel.

      The dream hyena is also a symbol of being overwhelmed by responsibilities and that you feel like someone is being too dependent on you. If a hyena attacks you in a dream, it indicates that your reputation will be negatively impacted by “busybodies.”

      http://sleepculture.com/hyena-dream-interpretation-meaning/

      • TARDIS

        I hate the internet.

      • Bob Boberson

        It all makes sense now, SJW’s acting like predatory scavengers that are cowards individually but deadly in groups is just them channeling their spirit animal.

      • Rhywun

        *good grief*

      • Fatty Bolger

        I used to dream about hyenas sometimes. But I’m pretty sure it had more to do with my then young son watching The Lion King nonstop every day.

      • TARDIS

        My daughter wore out Nutcracker Barbie. Yes… there were dreams, but Prince Eric and were just friends, I swear!

  13. Dr. Fronkensteen

    Only a Russian agent would accuse random people of being a Russian agent.

    • AlexinCT

      So everyone is a Russian agent????

      • MikeS

        If you say so, comrade.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Russian agent, pod people, Tulpa.

  14. leon

    Fantastic.

    “And some of the one that did vote for her too. They confused the electoral college by giving Hillary the win of the popular vote.”

    Those Wiley Russians

    • Not Adahn

      The coyotes are Russian too?

      • Private Chipperbot

        It’s great you were able to get footage of their most recent SLBM test so soon.

      • Jarflax

        Fake news Russians don’t use single artillery pieces, their doctrine calls for massed fire.

  15. Bobarian LMD

    Bumping doughnuts?

    Urban dictionary equates it to ‘scissoring Xerxes’, but when I googled it the the following came up:

    From the Harlequin Heartwarming May 2016 Box Set: An Anthology.

    “They sat and bumped doughnuts across the table, fell silent as they both bit and chewed and savored…”

    Who knew that Harlequin got that graphic? That’s like reading Marquis De Sade.

    • Nephilium

      Gods damn it. Now I’m having Ethan Frome flashbacks. Such a terrible book. Stupid meal of doughnuts and pickles.

      • SugarFree

        Bro… that was a sex scene.

      • Nephilium

        Our teacher was quite adamant that it was only symbolic. That they actually ate doughnuts and pickles. In other news, I did have a series of bad teachers for literature in High School.

      • BakedPenguin

        “Absolute Smut! Ethan Frometraduces the bounds of that which is right!” – Frigid 1911 book reviewer, Ipswich Chronicle.

        And yeah, the hyena line was the mot juste. Perfect way to end.

  16. The Hyperbole

    I am literally crying, god damn SF you’ve out done yourself.

    • Chipwooder

      Marrying a kafir? How is that viewed in her “faith tradition”?

    • Fatty Bolger

      Who says assimilation is a thing of the past? She’s assimilating into the political class perfectly well.

    • Naptown Bill

      Wow. She’s gross and her married boy looks like a schmuck. The abandoned spouses are both better off.

      Also, I like that they zoom in on the sixer of Stella that dude is bringing over to his Muslim married girlfriend’s house. Is this bitch even Muslim? Is she even Somalian?

    • Bob Boberson

      That dude is 38!? I was thinking 10-15 years her senior…….

      • SugarFree

        A life of good choices doesn’t lead to Ilhan Omar’s bed.

      • Bob Boberson

        LOL, now there is a Copybook Heading for the kids to memorize

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire, And the burnt Fool’s bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;

        Close but not quite. Maybe more generalized

        A life of good choices doesn’t lead to crazy’s bed.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I don’t know man, once she lays that thang on you you just might find yourself ululating for more.

      • Swiss Servator

        “There is no light, there is no charm
        All my belongings, I hold in one arm
        Under the bridge, asleep in the shade
        All of the terrible choices that I made

        Searching for light, gasping for air
        Heartbroken, in disrepair

        God may forgive me, but that’s not enough
        ‘Cause I gotta live with myself, ’till I’m dust
        Just walk on by, if we pass on the street
        Sometimes in battle, it’s best to retreat

        Searching for light, gasping for air
        Heartbroken, in disrepair”

    • Swiss Servator

      ‘Like all moms in America right now she is concerned about safety around guns and the last thing any mother wants is for their son to be out with somebody who is receiving active death threats.

      *eye roll*

    • Jarflax

      The funny thing is none of you spotted the real problem for Omar in that article:

      Omar heads to work and ends her day by picking up Chick-Fil-a and heading home.

      HERETIC!

      • R C Dean

        Plus, Chick-fil-a is not halal.

        Bad Muslim. Bad!

      • Rhywun

        Gee, tell us what you really think, Sharon Wessal, INTP.

      • BakedPenguin

        She convinced me. I’m totally not going there this Sunday.

    • wdalasio

      I still think it’s funny that, in every picture I see of her and her paramour, he always look utterly miserable. It’s like he’s whispering to himself “Do it for the cause, Timmy! Do it for the cause!”

  17. Chipwooder

    Someone needs to update the kids book spoof “Everyone I Don’t Like Is Hitler” to “Everyone I Don’t Like Is a Russian Asset”

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Stupid meal of doughnuts and pickles.

    Was it served on a train going into a tunnel?

    • Swiss Servator

      During a close up shot of an expiring parking meter…the “violation” flag pops up.

      • Not Adahn

        While someone dials a rotary phone to call a typewriter repairman?

      • Swiss Servator

        Dude, don’t you old movie?

      • SugarFree

        You mean like, I dunno, Mean Girls?

  19. Gustave Lytton

    Stirred her bean curd?!?’” the hair asked, confused.

    “It’s Chinese.”

    “Chinese?” the hair asked.

    Geezus, even SF has sold out. A token shoutout for a certain overseas market.

    • mikey

      I missed that. These stories are great on so many levels.

      • UnCivilServant

        Nope. They’ll trickle it back in later.

      • Rhywun

        They’ll probably just extradite people anyway. I mean, who’s gonna stop them?

      • Nephilium

        In other China news, Blizzard has managed to get AOC and Rubio on the same side about something. Could this be the start of the mythical libertarian moment?

    • SugarFree

      Right? He sucks so much.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Surprised?

    A 20-year-old West Point cadet who went missing with a rifle last week has been found dead on the military academy’s grounds, officials said Wednesday.

    The body of Kade Kurita, of Gardena, California, was discovered shortly before 10 p.m. Tuesday after local, state and federal authorities conducted an extensive search covering more than 6,000 acres (9.4 square miles).

    “We are grieving this loss and our thoughts and prayers go out to Cadet Kurita’s family and friends” Lt. Gen. Darryl Williams, 60th superintendent of the US Military Academy, said in a statement.

    Officials said the cause of death is under investigation, but foul play is not suspected.

    ——-

    The academy had said his M4 rifle also was missing, but he wasn’t believed to be carrying any magazines or ammo. Officials on Wednesday did not mention what happened to the rifle.

    West Point also had said there was “no indication” that the cadet — a member of the 2021 graduating class — posed a threat to the public, but added that he could pose a danger to himself.

    Not good.

      • Drake

        That scene is stupid on many levels. Took me out of the movie.

      • Akira

        Yea, my dad (who served in the USMC) would go on rants about every single detail wrong with that scene…

        He did find R. Lee Ermey’s verbal and physical abuse to be pretty true to late ’60s USMC boot camp, though.

      • Private Chipperbot

        I posted this yesterday, but Tom Cruise from Taps came right to my mind.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    I’ll raise you

    Now, THAT”S an asset.

  22. Bob Boberson

    Anyone else not seeing the handle avatars for the last few minutes?

    • Sean

      They were stolen by China.

      • Bob Boberson

        I thought it was East Asia that steals all our elections…….I can’t keep up

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Eurasia steals our elections and always has.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m not seeing any avatars on the article pages.

    • Rebel Scum

      Russian meddling.

    • Bob Boberson

      I am conflicted about this. Animals are property and I rue the day that the government invents some sort of positive ‘animal rights’ (ie making them the defacto property of the state and giving them yet another inroad to fuck with the citizenry). OTH I love animals and fuck people who willfully neglect or harm them, it takes a real POS to do so IMO.

      • Rhywun

        This does not need to be a federal law.

      • Bob Boberson

        To be sure

  23. Don Escaped Texas

    https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/topstocks/caterpillar-just-flashed-the-latest-warning-sign-for-the-global-economy/ar-AAJe7Bt?li=BBnbfcN

    The company blamed the sales decline on dealers slashing inventories by $400 million last quarter, after raising them by $800 million in the same period of 2018. CEO Jim Umpleby warned that pattern is likely to continue.

    “In the fourth quarter, we now expect end-user demand to be flat and dealers to make further inventory reductions due to global economic uncertainty,” he said in the earnings release, adding that Caterpillar is ready to respond swiftly to any positive or negative developments in the global economy next year.

    “The question for Cat now is whether this latest downswing in the PMI data marks the trough or if there is further to run to the downside.”

    Related economic sectors such as shipping are also weathering a slowdown, partly due to the US-China trade war that has raged for more than a year.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Heavy construction equipment typically goes thru a very severe business cycle. I also imagine Cat is getting hammered by China issues and the downward slide in used equipment values due to the Tier4F engines aging into the auction pool. Guys with older pre-Tier4F equipment do not want to turn it over as the newer equipment is far more expensive and maintenance intensive.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        I was always selling somewhere: it is seldom that all markets decline at the same time.

        Other fun balancing act is used equipment and service parts usually skyrocket when new equipment slumps.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The further expected downward slide in oil prices is probably having a large effect as well.

        On parts it’s absurd right now. I’m waiting several months on turbo rebuild kits from Japan for Isuzus.

  24. Don Escaped Texas

    your nuts are your problem

    The judges ruled that a tire rotation does not include tightening the lug nuts.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The MVSRA protects customers from, among other things, “charge for repairs that are in fact not performed.” So, the judges felt they needed to determine if the tire rotation was, in fact, performed.

      This is how the ruling ended up with an entire section titled “INTERPRETATION OF THE WORD ‘PERFORM’,” which, I kid you not, is a bunch of judges looking up the word “perform” in the dictionary. They did so because the MVSRA does not define the word “perform” in the law itself.

      That’s some real lawyering there, Lou.

    • Sean

      Holy shit.

      I…uh…um…

      *head explodes*

      Maybe Zardoz has a remedy for this.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        STEVE SMITH TIGHTEN NUTS

      • Tonio

        I think the judge needs his tires rotated by that mechanic.

      • Jarflax

        Brakes.

    • Tundra

      That actually happened to me once. I got home and one wheel was down to two lug nuts. I called the dealership and expressed my…uh… disappointment in their workmanship. The fact that it was my wife’s car made it even worse. Losing a tire with two little kids in the car is sub-optimal.

      There was no need for me to sue anyone. The dealership sent a mechanic over right away to take care of everything, credited my account and kissed my ass for the rest of my ownership.

      I still doublecheck whenever I have tire work done.

      • Bob Boberson

        Good idea. I was with a buddy when he had a wheel come off. Luckily we were on a county road and not in heavy traffic. I would be hopping mad if something like that happened and put children at risk.

      • ron73440

        Happened to me in my truck.

        Luckily it was after I got off the interstate and I was pulling off the road when it fell off.

        There was no need for me to sue anyone. The dealership sent a mechanic over right away to take care of everything, credited my account and kissed my ass for the rest of my ownership.

        The shop paid for my tow and all repairs. Including 4 new wheels, since mine were old and replacement wasn’t an option.

        Never occurred to me to call a lawyer.

    • Not Adahn

      Froot Sushi is a judge now? Shit, who knew blogging was such a career move.

    • Timeloose

      People at the tire store used to think i was anal for torquing my lugnuts personally in the parking lot after getting my tires replaced. I noted to the desk clerk prior to installation that the torque spec for the lug nuts is 130 ft-lbs on my car. This is high I realize, but it’s that high for a reason.

      The first time I got them back every one of them was from 80 to 100 ft-lbs which is likely safe, but not to the specs and could cause abnormal wear. They now make sure they do them right as I’m known as “that guy”.

    • R C Dean

      Next up:

      Replacing the drain plug is not part of an oil change.

      • ron73440

        What if it’s put on with an impact wrench?

        I let a garage do my last oil change since I was sick.

        I changed it last weekend and I had to get my breaker bar to remove the drain plug.

      • Florida Man

        I had to replace both my wife and my drain pan because of them stripping the threads. I do my own maintenance now.

      • Private Chipperbot

        We just had to do that with my son’s Jeep. The damn shop used an impact wrench on his wheels. Bunch of assholes.

      • Mad Scientist

        Those nuts have to be extra tight because they hold the whole car together!

  25. Mojeaux

    Prepare for cyberlynching.

    EVERY SINGLE WOMAN NEEDS TO HEAR THIS:

    It’s important for single, smart, fit & capable women to know that they may be pushing away good masculine men unintentionally

    Why?

    • Bob Boberson

      That’s a real shitlady right there.

      • Mojeaux

        She’s not wrong…

      • Bob Boberson

        She is not. I’m not sure how east that is for women to do consciously. All I know is that from my own experience I have met some very capable, self-sufficient women who were indeed somewhat repellent because men want a mate, not a competitor.

      • Florida Man

        I think she is wrong. Be who you are and find someone that likes that. My wife is a bit of a Tom boy and very independent. I like that.

      • Bob Boberson

        I think the point being that some women repel men by being overly assertive/aggressive (thus confusing those oh-so-evil gender roles). I don’t think it’s meant to imply women need be overly girly or obsequious.

      • Bob Boberson

        More to the point, the women I think she is talking about are not unlovable harridans, it’s that they make themselves unapproachable.

      • Mojeaux

        That is also what I understood her to mean.

    • R C Dean

      I suspect it got nothing to do with being single, smart, fit and capable, but results from other issues. Plenty of stupid, slobbish incompetents also push away good masculine men.

      • Florida Man

        Right?!? All those things are attractive to me. I’ve never understood women playing dumb. A bubbled headed bimbo is a huge turn-off.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Ladies, I hate to break it to you because I know deep down you would be feminine

    But you aren’t & you’re projecting a masculine vibe that is turning off men who want soft, receptive, feminine women

    But I don’t want a fairytale princess.

    • Mojeaux

      But I don’t want a fairytale princess.

      There’s a happy medium.

      • Tundra

        Big time. My wife is absolutely a girlie-girl, but definitely not a princess.

      • Mojeaux

        I make sure I look marginally rockabilly pin-up-y when I head toward Home Depot in my steel-toed boots and leather gloves.

      • Nephilium

        Stupid being in the office, I can’t start linking pictures and asking for more details…

      • Mojeaux

        I got no pix, apologies, and I’m hanging up my air compressor and framing nailer. I am DUN with that DIY bullshit. D-U-N dun.

      • Bobarian LMD

        There’s a happy medium.

        Is that like a jolly fortune-teller?

  27. The Late P Brooks

    The judges ruled that a tire rotation does not include tightening the lug nuts.

    That’s nothing. Wait ’til you get the oil change which doesn’t include tightening the drain plug.

    • Bob Boberson

      I had my radiator flushed last year and they filled up the reservoir with coolant but not the radiator itself. Glad to know that in the eyes of the law I got the service I paid for.

    • Fourscore

      Oil Change place in Nakoma Plaza, Madison, WI bought me a new (used) engine for my van plus had it installed. Oil filter, not the drain plug though

  28. The Late P Brooks

    There’s a happy medium.

    Still looking. Still waiting.

  29. Not Adahn

    Since there is someone here that knows the answer, what are these kind of connectors actually called?

    https://www.glibertarians.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/2019-10-23.jpg

    I’m poking through the Grainger catalog trying to find a matching set. Unfortunately, there’s 28743 choices for “wire connectors.”

    • UnCivilServant

      … dammit, I’ve seen them before but I have no clue.

    • BEAM's not normal, y'all

      Pic’s a bit fuzzy. Forget Grainger — go to Digikey or Mouser, type in your search term(s), and browse the pics of the various options.

      • Not Adahn

        Mouser is awesome, but I’ve got a punchlist set up with Grainger that gets things here tomorrow without needing to go through approvals.

      • BEAM's not normal, y'all

        Didn’t mean for you to buy from Mouser or Digikey, just use their database images to figure out what it was. Oh well, others knew anyways so it’s all good.

    • pistoffnick

      I think the term you are looking for is “bullet electrical connectors”

      • Sean

        Or snap plug

      • pistoffnick

        Or maybe banana plugs but they look too small to be bananas

      • Sean

        Nah. You already got it.

      • Not Adahn

        Excellent! Thanks!

      • Not Adahn

        I love the fact that you’ve gotten me answers faster than my coworkers who are actual honest-to-YHVH electricians.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        That’s because we don’t work.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        yup, bullet

        Amp was the supplier back in the day

    • BakedPenguin

      Rabbit Vibe? (JK, JK, NSFW!)

    • Yusef Adama

      banana jacks

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        This

    • Ted S.

      Can’t do a google reverse image search?

      OK, I tried and got “pipe”. 😐

    • Mad Scientist

      It could be a banana connector.

  30. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    https://twitter.com/David_Leavitt/status/1187053532165353474

    “Every @GOP member who invaded the SCIF should be taken into custody by the Capitol Police & questioned by the FBI to determine if they’re serving a foreign intelligence service. They should also be removed from the House until the investigation is completed & votes out of office.”

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Sometimes you just journalism so hard that you joke on FBI cock and then stupid shit comes out of your mouth

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        *choke

        Clearly not a “joke”. This dude is balls deep in FBI penis

      • leon

        This dude is balls deep in FBI penis

        Um… :Thinks for a second: nevermind

    • Bob Boberson

      I’m enjoying how the DNC are the purveyors of Neo-McCarthyism

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        This dude is just a non-biased corporate press reporter.

      • Bob Boberson

        I’m no longer going to make a distinction between the MSM and DNC as I cannot distinguish a difference

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        “Don’t call them “mainstream” that normalizes their behavior”

        – Michael Malice

    • UnCivilServant

      Here’s a better idea – Schiff for brain’s hearings should be held in full view of the public, on camera, with any citizen eligable to sit in the audience.

      • Nephilium

        But Secret Trials are necessary to protect our democracy!

      • UnCivilServant

        Everyone involved in those processes should be imprisioned for treason.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Forget it Neph. He clearly knows nothing about railroading someone in a kangaroo court.

      • leon

        Twiter users assured me that the secrecy is needed. The prosecutor doesn’t produce the results of the preliminaries before the Grand Jury has aquited.

        Of course the prosecutor wouldn’t be releasing selective details of witness statements made to the grand jury either. The whole “Grand Jury” analogy is just bullshit anyway.

      • leon

        Not aquitted damnit. Untill the Grand Jury has convened and rubber stamped the proceedings.

      • R C Dean

        The whole “Grand Jury” analogy is just bullshit anyway.

        On so many counts.

        (1) Grand jury proceedings are secret. Nothing produced to a grand jury can be introduced in court – all the documents, witnesses etc have to be admitted as evidence on their own merits, not just because they were reviewed by a grand jury.

        (2) Grand juries aren’t really convened to investigate a person. They are convened to investigate a crime. They often discover other crimes. What crime is Trump being investigated for here? Nobody can say, probably because using foreign aid to muscle foreign countries is most of the purpose of foreign aid.

        (3) Grand juries are made up of citizens, who review evidence presented by a prosecutor to determine whether to authorize a criminal charge. There is no analogy to either the citizens or the prosecutor here. This is a bunch of Dem politicians yanking each other puds.

      • Jarflax

        You forgot
        (4) Prosecutors do not get to exclude 45% of the Grand Jury from the room just because they might lean toward voting no bill.

      • leon

        Is Adam schiff not letting Republicans on the committee in?

      • R C Dean

        That is my understanding, at least to some extent. I know he will not allow them to look at documents without Democrat supervision. Whether they are allowed to be present for witnesses and/or to question witnesses, I am not sure.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Followed by tweets calling for deadly force to be used against sitting Congress Critters

      We’re headed nowhere good.

    • Rebel Scum

      Um…wut?

      • R C Dean

        Utter derangement. Don’t even try to understand. There’s nothing remotely close to a law being broken here, just a restriction on Republicans seeing documents that Schiff pulled out of his ass.

    • leon


      Burisma Board Job Applicant.
      ‏ @ATxFellow
      1h1 hour ago
      Replying to @David_Leavitt @GOP

      The PRC would love to have a guy like you on board.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    what are these kind of connectors actually called?

    Are they for audio eqpt? They look like RCA plugs.

  32. The Late P Brooks

    Derp- not RCA plugs. Microphone plugs, maybe.

  33. Private Chipperbot

    Okay. Which one of you is shopping at Target?

    A Florida Man yesterday sexually assaulted a pair of “large stuffed animal toys” inside a Target store, according to police who arrested the fiend on a criminal mischief

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      How was the animal toy dressed?

      • Mojeaux

        Srsly. The plushie was asking for it.

      • SugarFree

        Did Florida Man obtain enthusiastic consent? Did he use protection? What is the status of abortion rights for stuffed animals in Florida? When was his last STI panel? Do the stuffed animals need an emergency course of PrEP?

    • Bob Boberson

      “He was later released when police determined that he identified as Beta O’Rourke.”

      • BakedPenguin

        “He quickly left the store on skateboard and then proceeded to crash head first into several parked cars.”

      • R C Dean

        Has it been confirmed that is actually Beto?

    • Yusef Adama

      FurryCide is a Crime!

      • Jarflax

        It was a snowman not an animal.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Yeti love is the love that dare not speak its name.

      • SugarFree

        It’s basically a car crash of meat and fur and icy spikes of seminal fluid.

      • Tundra

        Yeah, baby!

      • BEAM's not normal, y'all

        Yeti erotica?

        Man, I get an education here every day.

      • ron73440

        WOW, that’s something else.

    • Tundra

      The best part:

      According to the complaint, Meader’s father told police that “def has a history of this type of behavior.”

      • R C Dean

        Going all the way back to when he was a toddler, and we found him humping his Care Bear one night.

      • Tundra

        Don’t forget the Strawberry Shortcake incident.

      • Jarflax

        She was begging for it. Strawberry Shortcake craves whipped cream.

      • Nephilium

        Thanks Florida Dad!

        /Meader

      • SugarFree

        Once you go stuffin’, you won’t settle for nuffin.

    • Ted S.

      People of Target.

    • Florida Man

      I’ve heard it’s more a function of where the fire risk, ie rural areas, which tend to be where Republicans live.

    • R C Dean

      The cuts are in rural areas because of the fire danger, so I would expect so, but its a coincidence: rural=fire danger and rural = Republican.

      There could be a few areas that are rural/fire danger and vote Democrat, but even if they never get a power cut, it would be hard to make the case that the reason they didn’t was because they vote Dem.

  34. leon

    Is anyone else getting no avatars? Now i have to actually read your usernames to know who’s talking.

    • Mad Scientist

      Yes. WordPress update did funky things to the backend. It will clear up pretty soon.

    • R C Dean

      Yup. Avatars gone, periodically getting the gray/small font “backup” presentation on screen.

    • Yusef Adama

      No Avatars for You! or anyone else….

  35. Ozymandias

    I’m glad no one was home when I read this. Holy shit, I’m still laughing.
    Fucking brilliant, SF. Bravissimo!
    The real question now is how long before the Bee has something similar.

  36. Don Escaped Texas

    more meh: if you like these people, it’s harmless chat, but zero news or thought

    WeTheFifth.com Podcast: 157 – “Meghan Daum, Author, “The Problem with Everything””

    Michael Moynihan Vice @MCMoynihan 0 points 0 LOL
    Matt Welch Reason @MattWelcom 0 points 0 LOL
    Kmele Foster Free Think @Kmele 0 points 0 LOL
    Anthony Fisher Business Insider @AnthonyLFisher 0 points 0 LOL
    Meghan Daum @GENmag @Meghan_Daum 0 points 0 LOL

    https://castbox.fm/episode/157-w%2F-Meghan-Daum-%22The-Problem-With-Everything%22-id1983610-id196730781?country=us

    • cancel culture
    • an unnecessary NYC anecdote
    • leftist attacks on free speech
    • unnecessary gen X anecdotes
    • 2d wave feminism
    • unnecessary racism on the subway anecdote
    • contemporary feminism, branded hypocracy, and other bizarre perspectives
    • how insane, white supremacy
    • IDW, whatever that is
    • I miss my ex, so I watch a lot of YouTube
    • her book
    • whataboutism
    • growing up, shifting right

    + end of file +