“Nothing is ever good enough for these fuckers, you know?” the hat asked the hair.
“Hmm,” the hair replied.
“Fucking Washington Post,” the hat said again, “Just can’t give credit where credit is due.”
“Uh-huh,” the hair grunted.
“Are you listening to me?” the hat asked.
The hair stared over his glasses at the hat. “How can I not listen to you? Is there anywhere I can even get away from the sound of your voice?”
“They’ve gone right back to the fake fraud bullshit impeachment lynching!” the hat barked.
“The media hates Donald, what’s new?” the hair said, going back to reading his magazine.
“We killed Baguetti! We killed the leader of ISIS!” the hat shouted.
“Baghdadi,” the hair said as he snaked out a tendril and lapped up a blob of Rogaine. “Ugh,” he grunted, “This has gone cold.”
“We killed him!” the hat said.
“Can I just eat breakfast in peace?”
“No. No, you can’t. The media is screwing us yet again and you are just sitting there!” the hat screamed. And then: “Is there anymore marmalade?”
“You ate it all,” the hair told him.
“All of it?”
“Well, I didn’t eat any of it.”
Donald looked up from his third Ham and Egg McMuffin. “Marmalade has rinds in it. That’s gross.”
“They booed us at the baseball game,” the hat said, getting himself all worked up again.
“They booed us at the baseball game,” the hair replied. “Donald and me. You weren’t even there.”
“Someone had to watch Barron!’ the hat said defensively. “You know, what with his…”
“Don’t say it!” the hair warned.
“With his…”
“DON’T. JUST DON’T!” the hair yelled.
“What are you two talking about?” Donald demanded.
“Nothing,” the hair said. “Just go back to your breakfast.”
Donald grunted and unwrapped another Ham and Egg McMuffin. He opened the sandwich, plucked out the disc of ham and dropped the rest on the floor. “Ham,” he moaned, nibbling around the edges.
“Ring for more marmalade,” the hat said.
“You do it, Donald and I don’t even eat it,” the hair replied.
“I just need a little more,” the hat whined. “I only have two zippers left.”
“Choke ‘em down dry, like a dog dick,” the hair snapped.
“Geez, OK, fine, whatever,” the hat said. He dropped off the desk and inchwormed his way across the floor.
Donald nosily opened another McMuffin and dug out the ham.
“Why do you do that, Donald? It’s so wasteful. They’d give you extra ham if you asked.”
“If it was just ham, then it wouldn’t be a Ham and Egg McMuffin, then would it?” Donald replied.
“Well,” the hair said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t.”
“For a smart guy, you aren’t always all that smart sometimes,” Donald said. He winged the disc of egg at the hat, receiving a disgusted cry when it hit home.
Lately your closes have been really sublime.
You could say he always gives us a happy ending.
He’s handy like that.
He’s just stroking our ego.
Pass the tissues?
I don’t know to be relieved or disappointed that the Oval Office carpet stains are from fried eggs.
The presence of one sort of stain does not preclude the presence of other sorts of stains.
That black light someone linked to: I don’t want to know more than I know.
Would you be able to dna type the, erm, stain, and get the appropriate age of the event?
“How can I not listen to you? Is there anywhere I can even get away from the sound of your voice?”
Been there.
Triggered me, had a flash back
There’s a Ham and Egg McMuffin?
Yet you can willingly suspend disbelief about sentient garments and hairpieces.
Avatar up, bro. You don’t have to go through Grabyourtar anymore.
I didn’t know that I had to reload it.
It’s Canadian bacon, but they don’t want to ruin it for him. He hates ethnic food.
Is this where we pretend Canadian bacon isn’t ham?
Improperly cured ham.
It isn’t ham, in the proper sense. It is cured and smoked pork loin.
In much the same way that cava isn’t champagne. Which is to say: *blows razzberry*
Over easy egg stains? Doesn’t this White House have a dog? The Obamas had a dog. Every child needs a pet.
No dog, Trump hates dogs, and he eats burnt steak with ketchup, which in my book are worse crimes than his raping and racisming and russianing.
People claim he’s one of those weird hygiene freaks, what with the no dogs and well-done meat thing, but we all know that’s a lie because of his fondness from sleeping in hooker-piss beds.
Dude, his desire for burnt steak is informed by his racisming. It’s the black face of steaks.
*smdh*
We killed Baguetti!
I can’t stop laughing.
I keep picturing an extremely stereotypical Mafia guy, like Fat Tony from the Simpsons.
I kept reading “baguette,” and got hungry.
Mmmmmmmmm, baguette . . .
Just a lazy morning in the oval…
The hair stared over his glasses at the hat.
I love these cozy little domestic scenes, and that really helped set the tone.
Baron has what? Is the kid jerking off to pics of his sister or mother again?
*Not taking a shot at the kid. Just that I would have been doing that if I were him.
Whoa, dude. Way TMI.
Melania and Ivanka. That’d be worth breaking a few taboos.
You may be on to something…..
Autistics jerk off?
Still a National Treasure.
little clauses that help people break through to clear understanding are few and far between; I like
When seconds count, the police are only minutes away.
Brevity is the….
bomb!
?
???????????????
May Day Parade
???????????????
?️
I like this one:
Hard to put a value on it but not a cost. Check the student loan schedule. (that isn’t expected to be paid)
This one is going into my quote file (along with a number of Glib quotes as well).
This would be even better if Trump was the one saying it!
Hmm, Trump using that quote would make a good BB article. If such an article were to show up, would it be further evidence that they lurk here?
Last night I bragged about my super easy week and started drinking. This morning 5 different urgent matters have arisen, 2 of which require serious and immediate work on my part, and the other 3 involve a ton of annoying phone calls. I jinxed myself so badly ….
Also, the subtle genius of Donald flinging bits of
Evan McMullinEgg MacMuffin…Melania and Ivanka. That’d be worth breaking a few taboos.
One man’s taboo is another man’s bucket list.
No reason for anyone to fret anyway, as soon as they get rid of Trump and we get another Dem in the whitehouse, we’ll see the return of fugly women in the whitehouse along with it, feature not a bug.
A H&T article where I didn’t regret eating right before reading it.
OT, but.
My wife has been watching one of those home repair shows on HGTV. She’s watching an episode right now. They’re in SF. A couple paid 1.06 million dollars for the house. To say that it is a shithole is a compliment. The house has severe structural issues that are taking 10s of thousands of dollars to repair and the inside is a total gut job, not because they want a complete remodel, but because the house is unlivable, even in Baltimore it would be boarded up and condemned. It’s on a lot the size of a postage stamp. Oh the joys of living in CA, who wouldn’t want to live there?
We watched HGTV and PBS on home building and remodeling during the three years we spent getting read to build our house. This was 15 years ago, and a lot of the shows still focused on middle-class houses with rational budgets. I learned a lot from these shows.
HGTV is just a different version of fantasy island now.
“Ask This Old House” was a great show and very informative. I haven’t watched it in a while ever since The McLaughlin Group was cancelled (it use to be on right before The McLaughlin Group on Saturday with my local PBS affiliate).
“Ask This Old House” was like a local hardware store where the workers walk you through a standard project and explain the tools that you needed, whereas HGTV is like one of those large hardware stores where the workers are ignorant and have no idea of how to help you and why don’t you just hire someone to do this anyways?
This Old House, The Victory Garden, New Yankee Workshop, The Woodwright’s Shop, and all of the cooking shows (Yan Can Cook and Frugal Gourmet being my favorites) were what I watched almost exclusively from like 6 to 15. No coincidence that I was a pretty capable cook by the time I was ten and had a good working knowledge of basic tools and how to use them even beyond what I learned from my dad. I’m not sure why, but there doesn’t seem to be a market for those kinds of shows on cable, or at least the marketing geniuses who routinely fuck up their schedules have totally missed that demographic.
YouTube captured a lot of that market. Plus, nobody wants to have a “lesson” interrupted with 4 minutes of commercials.
YouTube videos.
I record and binge watch Ask This Old House. I eventually get around to This Old House, but it’s not as relevant.
The new shows are just like This Old House only with 3 million dollar houses that need 2 million dollar renovations done by 2 trendy gay dudes, with the now in debt up to their eyeball guys going goo goo over the work. You know, the non-red neck version of This Old House. Get woke.
My mother still watches the shit outta those shows. One is on pretty much any time I drop by her house. The buyers are almost always nondescript looking late 20s-early 30s people, and yet their budgets are always something like at least $600K. Bananas.
“We can only afford two million, so be frugal.”
Every time I’ve gone with my wife to the maternity doctor those are on. We’ve both wondered about the demographic. We’ve also heard some of the prices and thought, “There’s no effin’ way those people are fresh out of college and dropping $750k on a house.”
What? You aren’t making $50k/mo for access to your family members’?
Yeah, the just out of college couple on the last house on the show just a few minutes ago, had a budget of 3 million. Really? Where are they getting these people from?
Where are they getting these people from?
I think what you meant to say was “Where are these people getting 3 million from?” I always assume The Bank of Mom & Dad, myself.
“I always assume The Bank of Mom & Dad, myself.”
Well, you have to. Because real home buyers that are actually paying the bill and then they eagerly shell out a couple million dollars for a home and then find it needs a million dollar renovation, the show might have to suddenly cut to commercial. Like someone already said upthread, these new shows are not reality shows, they’re make for TV series.
“He winged the disc of egg at the hat, receiving a disgusted cry when it hit home.”
Between that and The Hair getting all snappish…I actually find myself feeling bad for The Hat, for once.
“…as he snaked out a tendril and lapped up a blob of Rogaine.”
It’s the little descriptive touches that make all the difference.
Of course, I just finished a writing course where the required textbook was written by Stephen King, so that may be coloring my perception.
Was the textbook four times as long as it needed to be?
LOL! Surprisingly, no – it was “On Writing,” which is about half memoir, half writing advice. I enjoyed it. Then I tried to read “Carrie” and very quickly decided, “Yeah, I ain’t doin’ this.”
I can sorta recommend “Telling Lies for Fun and Profit”.
“sorta” because it was a good read, but I didn’t change my writing habits after reading it.
Already love it for the title alone. I have many years of experience writing up minutes of Board and committee meetings, so writing acknowledged fiction was a seamless transition.
Lol. When I was the IR guy for a couple of public companies, I would tell people that my job was to create palatable corporate fiction.
Mr. GT is a retired commercial real estate appraiser and thus really was “a real estate novelist.” (He had time for three wives. One at a time, I should add.)
Now if he only had a friend named Davy…
So a journalism textbook?
King’s writing advice is all pretty practical, mostly about the work of writing than how to write.
2,000 words a day minimum, every day is just a brutal pace. And he says that when he’s not writing, he’s reading. Which makes sense.
In my creative writing classes, I never understood the people who wanted to be writers that seemed to have never read anything. How else do you learn to write?
Words per day vary by author. 2k is a light day for me I can do after work without breaking a sweat. I’ve clocked in 10-14k words on days of nothing but writing. but then I go through dry spells for a couple months. So it’s all about how the mind is wired.
Damn, that’s impressive. I tried doing that and after 3 weeks my house and my body had gone to hell. Figured the choice was to quit my job or quit writing. I stick to bad poetry now.
I had classmates who said they didn’t read much. It showed.
Discussing his addiction issues, King was adamant that being a writer was no excuse for abusing drugs & alcohol. After reading some of my classmates’ work, I decided that being a community college writing instructor IS a legitimate excuse for abusing drugs & alcohol.
It’s not an excuse, it’s a perk!
The night was sultry.
Moist.
I can’t imagine a life with few – or no – books. Met some people who don’t read and, yeah, it does show. What in doG’s name to they do with themselves?
My magazine articles generally run 3000 to 3500 words. Takes me days, and I sweat bullets. When I watch you crank out brilliant stuff with seemingly no sweat, I want to turn green and start clobbering.
Your articles need more lame boner jokes. Those are easy to just crank right out.
Does “Dear
PenthouseHighlights Forum…” really count as a magazine article?And I would think that a lame boner is much harder to crank.
“Ham,” he moaned, nibbling around the edges.
I wonder if he had a piss-hooker named “Ham”?
Maybe he was saying “Pam,” but his mouth was full?
Mmmmm. Cocaine Pam.
My wife has been watching one of those home repair shows on HGTV. She’s watching an episode right now. They’re in SF. A couple paid 1.06 million dollars for the house. To say that it is a shithole is a compliment. The house has severe structural issues that are taking 10s of thousands of dollars to repair and the inside is a total gut job, not because they want a complete remodel, but because the house is unlivable, even in Baltimore it would be boarded up and condemned. It’s on a lot the size of a postage stamp. Oh the joys of living in CA, who wouldn’t want to live there?
I suspect they have to do it as a “remodel” because tearing it down and building a completely new structure would be effectively verboten, according to the local zoning and codes, not to mention the pitchforks-and-torches parades organized by your neighborhood character watch.
Why don’t they just take their capital, liquidate it, pile is up and burn it? It would be a lot faster and easier.
Candian bacon pffffft.
Why is my avatar pic missing?
There was a patch.
It removed the avatars. You have to reupload it in your profile.
Speaking of “those shows”
I stumbled across this show, one day, where they were building a house with shipping containers. I am (was) extremely interested in doing something along those lines.
I became suspicious about the whole “low cost” aspect when they brought the cranes in and started stacking them like legos. Multiple decks, and an observation tower later… It was really cool, but final cost was something like $600k (Austin, Texas, of course).
*The more I think about it, the more I think having a load of I-beams, corrugated steel panels and cinderblocks dropped off would probably be the way to go.
Thing is, you can put together a smallish house out of shipping containers fast and relatively cheap.
Like anything, of course, you can also run the cost up if you really want to.
What amazes me is all these cities building housing for the homeless at hundreds of thousands per unit. Just do shipping containers already.
You make an easy mistake. It’s not about the homeless at all. It’s just kickbacks and graft and a job for an idiot brother-in-law.
By the time you finish insulating, sheeting, painting, wiring and plumbing it is about the same cost as building from scratch.
Check this guy: https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/airplane-home-in-the-woods
Already wired and insulated.
Man’s a tinkerer. Gotta love that.
Police blew up an innocent man’s house in search of an armed shoplifter. Too bad, court rules.
The suspect, Robert Jonathan Seacat, had stolen a shirt and a couple of belts from a Walmart in neighboring Aurora, Colo., and then fled in a Lexus, according to a police affidavit. A police officer pursued him in a high-speed chase until Seacat parked his car near a light rail station, hopped a nearby fence leading to the interstate, and then crossed five lanes of traffic on foot. He climbed the fence on the other side — and then, shortly thereafter, came upon the Lech residence.
For 19 hours, the suspect holed up in a bathroom as a SWAT team fired gas munition and 40-millimeter rounds through the windows, drove an armored vehicle through the doors, tossed flash-bang grenades inside and used explosives to blow out the walls.
On Tuesday, a three-judge panel for the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 10th Circuit unanimously ruled that the city is not required to compensate the Lech family for their lost home because it was destroyed by police while they were trying to enforce the law, rather than taken by eminent domain.
The Lechs had sued under the Fifth Amendment’s Takings Clause, which guarantees citizens compensation if their property is seized by the government for public use. But the court said that Greenwood Village was acting within its “police power” when it damaged the house, which the court said doesn’t qualify as a “taking” under the Fifth Amendment.
nice try !
Fucking trains.
Billions and billions of dollars of compensation for terrorist acts or weather damage, but when it comes to damages actually caused by government, suddenly the purse strings are shut tight.
Hey, it’s not like they made fun of them for being gay.
It must be cheap to insure police if you can get the courts to rule you never need to pay a claim.
Speaking of amendments, this is why the second exists. And, on a related note, bear in mind these are the only people that the gun-grabbers believe are trustworthy, professional, and safe enough to have firearms.
I’m not even seeing from the article that the shoplifter was armed.
It sounds like he was armed.
Missed that.
That’s some epic carnage for a shoplifter, even if armed
I saw nothing about homeowner’s insurance. Shouldn’t that cover their loss?
Most people don’t have insurance that covers replacement cost. The odds that this family hasn’t just taken major financial damage are very low.
I’d rather deal with the shoplifter than the cops.
The Lechs had sued under the Fifth Amendment’s Takings Clause, which guarantees citizens compensation if their property is seized by the government for public use. But the court said that Greenwood Village was acting within its “police power” when it damaged the house, which the court said doesn’t qualify as a “taking” under the Fifth Amendment.
The cops were obviously using it for target practice.
nope: several rounds hit the house 🙂
have you been at a range with cops? they’re almost as bad as people!
Woman bitten while trying to save man from vicious dog attack
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — A 56-year-old man was nearly mauled to death by a pack of dogs Monday night, witnesses said, and when a woman stepped in to save him, she was bitten, too. “Them are holes in her legs, big holes,” Ella Stevenson said of her sister’s injuries. “She heard somebody hollering, and then she ran out there with a bat,” Stevenson said.
Police said they ended up arresting one of the dog owners for disorderly conduct after he shoved an officer. They also arrested the man who was attacked after running his name and learning he had an outstanding warrant.
Woman bats dog story: victim arrested. All is well in the hood. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming.
“I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite.”
“That’s not my dog.”
Only one of the best Peter Sellers lines ever.
An Allegheny County judge struck down three gun control laws that limit assault weapons and ammunition in Pittsburgh. https://t.co/lHrqIFXOIV— KDKA (@KDKA)
corrected link: https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2019/10/29/judge-strikes-down-pittsburgh-gun-control-laws/
FOAC? Someone need to work on their organization naming/acronym skills.
I think it’s a great acronym.
“Oh, FOAC- new gun control!”
“FOAC you. You’re not taking my guns”
Awesome, SF. Donald didn’t chuck, toss, throw or lob the disc at the Hat. He “winged” it. Perfect.
So, I’ve been working a lot. I hear the wagons are circling Trump now and they really got him this time? That seems to be all the headlines around the web.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CtjhWhw2I8
It’s gonna be a very interesting election next year if they manage to get him on something related to Ukraine. I’d say that I may just be pissed enough at the obvious and flagrant coup to vote straight ticket R for the first time in over a decade.
The Dems are so hot to trot that they . . . are talking about postponing their vote on the “impeachment” process.
I totally don’t believe it. They got him! What are they waiting for!
What amazes me is all these cities building housing for the homeless at hundreds of thousands per unit. Just do shipping containers already.
Yes. Or you could use cast concrete cubes with somewhat more people-friendly proportions. Beggars can’t be choosers, and all, but living in an 8x8x20 box would probably be unsettling. Less uncomfortable than a rainy sidewalk, but…
Meh. Just use Brazil’s solution. Let them build makeshift huts all over the sides of hills. Cost = free. When the monsoons and inevitable mudslides come, the problem solves itself!
Beggars can’t be choosers,
Indeed not.
living in an 8x8x20 box would probably be unsettling.
Well, if you just have to, make it a 16x8x20 residence. With, you know, windows and walls and appliances and stuff.
Makes me think of The Stacks in Ready Player One. But in places like SanFran where a one bedroom apt is $4000 a month and a run down hovel costs $1 million+, a whole lot of people will probably be happy to get their box. I find it amusing how everything that everyone around here and other places have said would happen in Cali, are actually already happening, more fires because of forest mismanagement to save some owl (which they blame on climate change), massive power outages to try to solve aforementioned problem they themselves created (which they blame on power companies), massive homelessness because of their misguided land use policies (which they blame on greedy property owners and renters), the list goes on. Will they ever learn? No.
“Well, if you just have to, make it a 16x8x20 residence.”
That will be $850,000 in SanFran.
Hot Take: The Democrats Are The Party Of The Soldier
So vote for us, so that we can spit on you in public when we finally let you return here!
We totally value you for who you are and not as a political pawn.
Oh man go to a bunch of enlisted men and tell them the fat NSC staffer is The True Standard of the American Warrior and see what they say.
I’m late to the party, but BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There are a fair number of lefty Democrat officers, but the rank and file? Yeah, no. That’s not happening, not unless the old-time blue collar union Dems make a comeback. [NARRATOR: They won’t.]