The Hat and The Hair Expanded Universe: Bernie and Sandy

by | Nov 13, 2019 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 168 comments

 

“Your breasts are a common good,” Bernie said, never breaking eye contact with her chest. It was two hours until their rally and he had insisted they come to the stage alone to discuss strategy.

“OK, Boomer!” Sandy said brightly. She contorted her face and took a selfie, and then did it again and again.

“I am not a boomer,” Bernie said, the left side of his face sagging. “I’m the greatest generation. The greatest. Just the best.”

“Aw,” she cooed. “You’re so cute, like an old Granpa raisin.” She tried to smooth some of his hair into place but danced back as a trembling hand reached for her left breast.

“Naughty,” she said and smiled, her large teeth sharp in the lighting of the stage.

“‘From each according to her ability, to each according to his need,’” he said in a reedy voice and then licked his gummy lips.

“OMG, is that Oprah? I could totes see Oprah, like, saying that,” Sandy squealed.

“Marx,” he said roughly. “That’s Karl Marx.”

“Is he on Instagram?”

“He died in 1883.”

“So he’s not on Instagram?”

“This is, like, basic stuff,” Bernie said, his face drawing into itself as a wave of pain crossed his chest. “I thought you were a Democratic Socialist.”

“Hashtag socialism,” Sandy chirped. “Hashtag social justice, and like, hashtag lifegoals.” She scratched idly at her crotch through the thick material of her dress and giggled to herself.

“Do you even know what any of that means?” Bernie asked, massaging his left arm.

“Socialism means that you, like, should be all nice to people and stuff,” she said, smelling her fingers and wrinkling her nose. “Rich people are so mean. Be nice, not mean.”

“‘Be nice, not mean,’” he repeated.

“That’s my 2024 slogan! Hashtag PresidentSandy!”

Bernie closed his eyes and sighed.

“Selfie!” she said, throwing an arm around the elderly man and snapping a picture.

“My eyes!” he said. “The light!”

“I didn’t use the flash,” Sandy said. She pried a wad of gum from her back teeth and stuck it to the back of one of the leather chairs on the stage.

“I’m so happy your breasts are here to support my campaign,” Bernie said.

“I’m, like, more than, like, just, you know, my breasts, Bernie,” Sandy said. “I also have an Instagram feed and my Twitter account is just, like, killer.” She held her phone out for the old man and scrolled through pictures of brunch and selfies with Illy and Sheedy.

“I see you know a Negro,” Bernie said. “Very progressive. I knew a lot of Negros growing up in Brooklyn. Great people, just great. You know I grew up in Brooklyn, right?”

“And I, like, grew up in The Bronx. We both have a lot of street smarts.”

“A street-tough Jew like me should be President,” Bernie said.

“Ew. You’re Jewish?” Sandy asked. “I thought you were just white.”

“You got a problem with Jews? Huh? Do you?” Bernie asked, puffing out his aching chest.

“Illy says Jews are ruining the country and Sheedy says they run Fox News. And that Fox News is bad.”

“You need better friends, I think,” Bernie said gruffly.

“Hashtag SquadGoals!” Sandy whooped.

“Karl Marx was a Jew. Jews have always been at the forefront of the Socialist movement.” Bernie said. Red-faced and gasping, he sat down heavily into one of the chairs on the stage.

“So Jews are nice?” Sandy asked doubtfully.

“Very nice,” Bernie said in a strangled voice.

“You seem nice,” Sandy said. “At least when you aren’t yelling.”

Bernie slumped forward in his chair.

“I said ‘At least when you aren’t yelling,’” Sandy repeated, louder, and kicked the side of his chair.

“They shouldn’t have given us leather chairs,” Sandy said as his medical support team rushed the stage.

“Cows are friends, not food,” she said over the whine of the defibrillator charge. “Or chairs.”

“Moo,” she said over the shouting and scramble. “Moooooooo.”

 

Sanders Couldn’t Stop Laughing at Report of Bezos Asking Bloomberg About Presidential Run

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

168 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    “You need better friends, I think,” Bernie said gruffly.

    There’s a lot of that going around.

  2. leon

    “This is, like, basic stuff,” Bernie said, his face drawing into itself as a wave of pain crossed his chest. “I thought you were a Democratic Socialist.”

    Bernie died of a broken heart.

  3. kinnath

    Your breasts are a common good

    The only true thing that Bernie has ever said.

  4. Tundra

    “Cows are friends, not food,” she said over the whine of the defibrillator charge. “Or chairs.”

    “Moo,” she said over the shouting and scramble. “Moooooooo.”

    How on earth can you keep coming up with these? Did you sell your soul to the devil or something?

    Just brilliant.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Seems a bit derivative of the “Rent” scene where the performance artist is mooing.

    • Not Adahn

      Some authors put their best effort into crafting the perfect opening line.

      Sug works on the penultimate.

  5. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    “Your breasts are a common good,”

    Agreed. Completely.

    They need to be liberated from the chains (bra) that bind them!

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      “Bras are bourgeoisie exploitation. Only late stage capitalism could devise a product meant to restrict the natural state of breasts.”

      AOC needs to go topless. There’s no way around it.

      • leon

        First Tulsi, now AOC. Your Sociialista Fetish is getting out of hand. I think we need an intervention.

      • Rebel Scum

        I guess he figures he can bang the Marxist out of them. I mean, it’s worth a shot.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Socialist or not, I can appreciate a well endowed rack.

        Also, my love for Tulsi has nothing to do with her looks. That’s just an added bonus

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Pol Twat, though, is fairly thin and is sporting a 36 C cup. I tip my hat to that.

        More tit than brain.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I have more tit than she has brain.

      • CPRM

        Its SCIENCE!

  6. Tonio

    Some of your best dialogue ever.

    • Sean

      Agreed.

  7. Stinky Wizzleteats

    “ She scratched idly at her crotch through the thick material of her dress and giggled to herself.”

    Get rid of the Sanders stuff and throw in some pictures and this is some Class A wank material.

  8. Rebel Scum

    “I’m, like, more than, like, just, you know, my breasts, Bernie,” Sandy said.

    But are you?

    • Tundra

      Teeth. Tits and teeth.

      • Rebel Scum

        You want her to go down on you like a cheese-grater?

        Reminds me of this video from derrickcomedy.

  9. Rebel Scum

    Isn’t it ironic?

    Senate Democrats attacked President Donald Trump’s $28 billion farm trade aid program for “vast inequities” favoring Southern farmers at the expense of their counterparts in the Midwest and Northern Plains, growers of cotton over soybeans, and large producers over smaller ones.

    “The Trump administration is using a flawed formula that helps big, wealthy farms and billion-dollar foreign-owned companies, while small farms get left behind,” said Senate Democratic Leader Chuck Schumer of New York. “The USDA must stop picking winners and losers, and ensure all of America’s farmers get the help they need — not just a lucky few.”

    The U.S Department of Agriculture defended the program in a statement issued through a spokesman, saying the payment formula is “based on trade damage, not based on region or farm size.”

    • leon

      “The USDA must stop picking winners and losers,

      Nice…

      and ensure all of America’s farmers get the help they need — not just a lucky few.”

      THIS Close

      • Bobarian LMD

        I don’t think your arms are long enough to demonstrate how close he was.

  10. Drake

    ABC News Frantically Hunting for Epstein Whistleblower

    No masks or excuses. They are even trying to hide it.

    And they now acknowledge they destroyed the career of a woman who had nothing to do with it? I sure hope that costs them a lot of money?

    • CPRM

      Whistle blowers need to be protected or you’re a RUSHUN! Unless they blew the whistle on us! They must be hunted to the ends of the earth!

    • Naptown Bill

      My iron levels are through the roof these days with the hypocrisy and double-standards on display from these people.

    • kinnath

      I was a youth during the Watergate investigations. That left with a skewed view of what independent journalism was supposed to look like I guess.

      And I remember when yellow journalism was supposed to be a thing of the past. But the past repeats itself.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        “And I remember when yellow journalism was supposed to be a thing of the past.”

        Or, it just never went away. Even with Watergate, knowing who the source was at the time makes everything seem more scummy in hindsight. Nixon was no doubt guilty and should have been impeached for his actions, but for the assistant director of the FBI to be feeding information to the press because he was pissed that the president did not promote him to director is pretty scuzzy. Now I wonder what Nixon did to upset the intelligence community so much.

      • CPRM

        Now I wonder what Nixon did to upset the intelligence community so much.

        He didn’t let them break into the Watergate, he let unqualified non-public servants usurp their power.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I think it might have been ending the War in Vietnam, but I’m crazy. I should not allege such nefarious things to an organization that is best known for bringing crack into America’s inner cities, orchestrating comically ridiculous assassination attempts of foreign leaders with the assistance of organized crime, arming terrorists, and being best buddies with pedophiles.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        I’d recommend a more generic perspective based on the notion that people are simply selfish, short-sighted, and have never really changed over the ages.

        All reporting has a motive; most of it is for-profit in an obvious way and has its consumer constituency. Those reporters can’t really be insulated from their consumers’ preferences, motives, and biases.

        The politics are of a similar bent. I’d disagree with those here saying that party A is the most mendacious of all time or that B is uniquely hypocritical. I continue to see enough sin to go around and generally lump 90% of complaints and defenses into the gored-ox bucket.

        Stirring the pot is good business for some reporters and some politicians: ever was it so. I think it’s all mostly shit, so I haven’t bedded down with either of the obvious sides over the decades; YMMV.

        The idea that there’s a fixed or ideal quality to reporting or politicking just leads to a bunch of square peg round hole problems. It makes more sense to just say that today the pissing match continues with lackeys, sycophants, and rent-seekers sprinkled about liberally on all corners.

        I do have some pet projects (eliminating obviously unconstitutional federal bureaucracies and methods like FISA courts and the DoEducation) and will certainly start to think differently if anyone were to actually campaign on fixing those things . . . and then actually doing something about it.

        The rest is theater.

      • Tundra

        The rest is theater.

        Kabuki?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Some other Japanese term

      • Don Escaped Texas

        brilliant

      • Don Escaped Texas

        I listen to almost all the links here. There’s a lot going on in the world out there.

        * tunes Martin to dropped D and noodles around for a while *

      • kinnath

        Ted Turner is to blame. He convinced the world that TV news didn’t have to be a cost center and that it could be a profit center.

        Thus began the blood-thirsty competition for eyeballs.

      • Drake

        A better reporter than anyone ABC sent.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Xe brings a level of decorum to the proceedings that they hadn’t achieved previously.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      NO LEAKERS

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      The corporate press only exists to protect the powerful and to abide by its demands. No one in their right mind should be surprised by this.

      • R C Dean

        The corporate press only exists to protect the powerful and to abide by its demands.

        Well, some of the powerful, anyway, Their alignment is far more partisan and ideological than just “propagandists for the powerful”.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Not at all. The mere fact that Trump is being impeached for possibly not warring hard enough in our budding Ukrainian proxy war, rather than continuing a genocide in Yemen exposes what is really important to the corporate press. Consider that what you view as partisan, the fact that they are obviously progressive, is actually the religion of the ruling class.

        The mere fact that the WSJ and the NYT rarely, if ever, disagree on foreign policy should demonstrate what is most important to them.

      • R C Dean

        I get where you are coming from – by “the powerful” you mean “the ruling class”, not necessarily “people who hold positions of power”. Fair enough.

        I don’t think Trump is being impeached for not prosecuting a proxy war against Russia, though. He is being impeached because he is not a member of the ruling class. He could be bombing the shit out of the Russians all over the world, and there would still be impeachment proceedings against him.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I think he’s being impeached because he’s not under the thumb of the parties which, if Ukraine is any example, have been stealing the taxpayers blind. I’m certain the rot is far more extended than that and is across both party leaderships.

      • R C Dean

        By stupidly making impeachment about, first, Russia, and now, Ukraine, the corruptocrats managed to put two of the most corrupted and corrupting countries, with which they have many entanglements, front and center. Probably regretting that now.

        I am convinced that the impeachment is nothing more than a desperate diversion/distraction/pre-emptive strike by the corruptocrats who now realize that they opened their own can of worms, and they can’t count on just riding it out until the next election, because nobody wants to bet that Trump is going to lose the next election.

        This is likely the reason that the Senate won’t hold full hearings on impeachment – because too many Senators are implicated, and full hearings would inevitably be about what Trump was asking for (investigation into corruption of American politicians) and what basis he had for making the ask.

      • The Hyperbole

        Why would an impeachment be necessary for that to come out, If multiple senators are involved in corruption and Trump has the goods on them why isn’t he just bringing them to justice right now? Maybe because it’s all BS designed to get Trump reelected and he has as much concern for weeding out corruption as he had with locking Hillary up.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Hyp, I don’t agree with RC Dean’s position in total.

        But, are we pretending now like you think there would be nothing wrong with Don Jr. getting a job at a foreign energy company while his father is in office and he just got kicked out of the military for cocaine use?

      • The Hyperbole

        Sure why not, same as if it was a foreign cattle company or a foreign Yo-yo company, some pols kid getting a cushy job isn’t, on it’s face, wrong.But that wasn’t really my point, which was that Trump as no track record of actually giving a shit about corruption. In fact he has shown that he is more than willing to use innuendo and conspiracy to attack his political opponents and then after the election admitting that he was just kidding what with the whole ‘hold these criminals accountable’ Shtick.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yeah, I don’t disagree that he isn’t overly concerned with corruption, but I think your position on Biden’s son is exceedingly dishonest. And to suggest that it’s a conspiracy theory to argue that Biden’s son’s job was political is pretty laughable. I suppose foreign leaders are just staying at Trump’s hotels now because it’s just so cozy.

      • R C Dean

        some pols kid getting a cushy job isn’t, on it’s face, wrong.

        Slow down there. Its potentially a conflict of interest. Throw in a few additional facts, like “completely unqualified”, “no-show job”, “pays a million a year”, and “the pol happens to be running foreign policy for that country”, and I think we’re pretty to “yeah, on its face, wrong”.

        Trump as no track record of actually giving a shit about corruption

        Hmm. Hard to argue, at least with respect to corruption that doesn’t affect him more or less directly.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I suppose your argument now is that Clinton’s e-mails were also a conspiracy?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        From the onset Trump was hated by the established order, because they weren’t sure if they could trust him. It’s awfully coincidental that the only time he received praise by the corporate press was when he bombed Syria early on in his administration. And the most vitriolic criticisms that he has received have been over the notion that he was not warring hard enough with Russia, with Syria, etc. People become filthy rich over the policy we pursue abroad and entrenched bureaucrats receive job security. The notion that the president yields unbelievable unilateral power is really just fiction.

        He is hated by both Republicans and Democrats. If there were a secret ballot Senate vote on impeachment, I have no doubt in my mind that he would be removed from office.

      • R C Dean

        the most vitriolic criticisms that he has received have been over the notion that he was not warring hard enough with Russia, with Syria, etc.

        I dunno about that. I would say the most vitriolic criticism has been around immigration and maybe his tax reform, but other than that, yeah, foreign policy has definitely been a sore point.

        If there were a secret ballot Senate vote on impeachment, I have no doubt in my mind that he would be removed from office.

        I dunno about that either. More Repubs would vote to remove him under a secret ballot, but enough to actually carry the motion? I think the Repub Senators like being Senator more than they hate Trump, and removing him would put every single one of them at risk of losing their position.

      • Rebel Scum

        immigration and maybe his tax reform

        One thing that both parties have claimed for decades to want to fix/enforce and the other something that Republicans talk about but don’t do. But Trump seems to have been serious on his campaign stance on these issues and has taken action on them. That will not be tolerated.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Obama had a tougher immigration policy than Trump. They don’t care about immigration. It’s just a topic to rally our radicalized white liberals with the fear of expensive lawn care. Honestly, they don’t give two shits about that.

      • R C Dean

        Obama had a tougher immigration policy than Trump.

        Well, not counting DACA, anyway. And the wall. And the new rules on applying for refugee status. And whatever else has been blocked by the courts or submarined by the Deep Staters at DHS and ICE.

        I thought the Obama “tough on immigration” thing was mostly just juking the stats on “deportation”.

        What’s been interesting about Trump is his willingness to go after illegal immigration “upstream” – in Mexico and points south. Because our media is garbage, I have no idea how effective this has actually been.

      • Rebel Scum

        I haven’t heard of any “migrant caravans” for awhile.

  11. Spudalicious

    That was fine stuff, right there.

  12. Hyperion

    I guess it’s safely after lunch now, I’ll read this.

  13. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Moooooooo……

    MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    • Tundra

      I like cows.

      And they like me.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Moooooo….nnn River?

      • kinnath

        M O O N . . Moon

      • AlexinCT

        Is that how you spell advanced? You that Steven King Character from The Stand? Tom Cullen, right? M-O-O-N…. That’s how you spell Kinnath….

  14. Yusef drives a Kia

    One of your best! I laughed well,

  15. DOOMco

    Are you sure he doesn’t have an Instagram

    • SugarFree

      I’m pretty sure he’s dead. I hope.

      • CPRM

        Ahem. Maybe do some research, asshole!

      • SugarFree

        FAKE NEWS!

    • leon

      What the hell is Cathinfo.com?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Used catheter auction site.

  16. DEG

    This is top notch stuff. At the end I wondered if Bernie had tried 23 different types of Viagra at once causing his heart to give out.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    I’m pretty sure he’s dead. I hope.

    Not dead. Merely resting. Gathering his strength.

    • Nephilium

      Pining for the gulags as it were.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Well! Bernie never wanted to do this in the first place. He wanted to be… A LUMBERJACK!

      • Charles Easterly

        Hopefully the paramedics in SugarFree’s story sat Bernie down in a comfy chair.

  18. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    https://original.antiwar.com/David_Stockman/2019/11/12/the-ukrainian-influence-peddling-rings-a-microcosm-of-how-imperial-washington-rolls/

    “The Ukrainian Influence Peddling Rings – A Microcosm of How Imperial Washington Rolls”

    FTA:

    “Last night we heard some knucklehead on the War Channel (CNN) braying about Ukraine as a vitally important “ally and strategic partner”. The implication, of course, was that the Donald’s attempted squeeze play on its new President was dangerously undermining national security.

    What unadulterated tommyrot!

    The safety and security of the American homeland has absolutely nothing to do with it. That’s because Ukraine is a no count, strategically irrelevant patch of earth that was long ago ruined by the old Soviet Union, and thereafter turned into an economic trainwreck by its own corrupt oligarchs – along with plenty of help from Washington interventionists.

    The latter spent the post-Soviet years fomenting “color revolutions” and attempting to steer its politics toward the west and NATO membership. But when the Ukrainian people elected a pro-Russian president in 2010 and all efforts to bribe and bully him westward failed, Washington instigated, funded and instantaneously recognized an illegal putsch on the streets of Kiev in February 2014.”

    AND

    “As the Wall Street Journal noted, Blue Star Strategies had no compunction about using its Clinton and Biden connections in behalf of Burisma – notwithstanding the odor of oligarchical corruption which surrounded it,

    Blue Star Strategies, which has been lauded in the West for its work to help former Soviet countries prepare for NATO consideration. Its founders: Sally Painter, a senior adviser to the Commerce Department in the Clinton administration, and Karen Tramontano, a deputy chief of staff in the Clinton White House.

    At about the time of Mr. Shokin’s dismissal, Blue Star helped Burisma hire lawyer John D. Buretta, who argued before prosecutors in Ukraine that cases against Burisma should be closed, according to one Ukrainian official and others familiar with the matter.

    “I thought I was meeting someone who was going to help with the investigations, and all he wanted to talk about was why they should be closed,” said one former Ukrainian prosecutor who met with Mr. Buretta.

    So that’s how the Imperial City rolls. People make policies which extend the Empire while in office – as did these Clintonistas with the NATO expansion project – and then cash-in afterwards by peddling influence in the corridors of the beltway on behalf of Washington’s newly acquired vassals and supplicants.”

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Take this with a grain of salt, though, the truth tends to be Russia propaganda. And the author, David Stockman, is the rare former Reagan cabinet member who is a Russian stooge, because everyone is legitimately retarded.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        WARNING LABEL: “Ah, I could not remember who was the apologist for Russian colonial expansion that was left here…thanks! “BUT NAZIS!!!” “Near abroad” indeed. Next up, the rest of Georgia, the Baltics, Belorus and Ukraine…. RESTORE THE EMPIRE! YER AFTER THEM, UPPITY FINNS!”

      • Swiss Servator

        “BUT NAZIS!!”

        Skinhead Nazi wannabes seen in a city in your country? Prepare to have half of it annexed/invaded!

        Uh oh… Aryan Nations gangs here… I guess we have to give Alaska back.

        I suppose you saw Nazis in Tbilisi before Russia tore a chunk off of Georgia?

        Bad people in other places does not excuse invading and tearing off chunks of other countries. You are falling into the Susan Rice school of “How to Justify force being employed against ____________” – because BAD PEOPLES!

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        There’s a sane response. Beware, David Stockton is complicit too, which is why I provided a warning label.

        “Moreover, the Ukrainian Soviet Republic, which had been largely incorporated by Moscow in 1923, had a modern bloody history that was always a civil war waiting to happen.

        To wit, western Ukraine had sided with the Nazi and Hitler’s Wehrmacht as it brutally made its way through Ukraine to the siege of Stalingrad during WWII, while eastern Ukraine had lined up with the Red Army during its equally bloody campaign of destruction and revenge as it chased the defeated Nazi army back to Berlin after 1943.

        So the very idea that Ukraine should be induced to join NATO was beyond the pale – and most especially after Washington had recruited modern-day political descendants of the WWII pro-Nazi brigades to replace the Yanukovych government in March 2014. Washington’s obtuseness to this history reflected pure imperial arrogance.”

        I’m beginning to think Reagan was complicit, too.

      • Swiss Servator

        Now do Georgia.

        They wuz asking for it! How dare they undo Trotsky’s Red Army conquest!!!! And why would the victims of the Holdomor side with anyone fighting the Soviets? Of course, they found out the hard way that it was drive away the bear, as the wolf comes in…

        I seem to think you really believe the Russians were right and proper to go ahead and invade and tear off half of a neighboring country….as you rightly decry the Saudis in Yemen.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Remember when you accused me of being aggressive in the comments section? It’s a good thing that you are not acting insane and beating a strawman right now.

      • Nephilium

        /sorry Ted’S.

      • Jarflax

        I was the one who said I didn’t care about Russia taking Crimea. That had nothing to do with Nazis though. Crimea has historical ties to Russia, and a majority of the people of Crimea at least ostensibly (all elections in that entire region need to be taken with a grain of salt) wanted to join Russia. Ukraine has problems far exceeding any Nazi skinheads. It is a deeply corrupt State, just as Russia is, and I found the narrative of sweet innocent Ukraine being raped by the Russians disingenuous.

        All of these fights fall under not our circus, not our monkeys as far as I am concerned, and adding Ukraine or Georgia to Nato is a bad joke and does nothing except further poison our already toxic relationship with Russia.

      • Jarflax

        The member states of NATO are:

        Albania, Belgium, Bulgaria, Canada, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Montenegro, Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Turkey, United Kingdom, United States.

        NATO partner countries are:

        Armenia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Finland, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, Georgia, Ireland, Kazakhstan, Kyrghyz Republic, Malta, The Republic of Moldova, Russia, Serbia, Sweden, Switzerland, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Ukraine, Uzbekistan.

        For God’s sake, why in the hell are we guaranteeing anything for Albania, Moldova, Ukraine, Georgia, and the stans.?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I was once accused of being a “Russian apologist” for once linking to a story from antiwar.com where they discussed the nefarious past of some of Ukraine’s new political elites after the Western led coup.

        Somehow, that was viewed as me making excuses for Russia, much like noting that the “Syrian Free Army” was primarily ISIS affiliated terrorist groups is making excuses for Assad.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        “Hey, why are we arming ISIS?”

        Verdict: Assad apologist. Likely complicit

        “Hey, why did we oust the democratically elected Ukrainian president?”

        Verdict: Russian apologist. Likely complicit

        “Hey, what the fuck? Are we arming neo-Nazis in eastern Ukraine?”

        Verdict: Why do you love Putin, so much?

        (Which is actually a pretty funny conclusion to be drawn since Putin has his own neo-Nazi allied groups in Russia)

      • Swiss Servator

        Not our business is a fine response….but applauding it? Justifying it as different than any other imperial conquest? Meh, not so much.

        Assholes did an asshole thing. If the people they did it to were also dirtballs….does that justify it? What happened to the NAP? I know almost every single Chicago Alderman is corrupt. Do they all deserve to be killed or have their homes burned with their families in them because they are swine?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        ” Justifying it as different than any other imperial conquest? Meh, not so much.”

        Literally no one has ever done that. You are kicking the shit out of that strawman, though.

      • Jarflax

        Not what I am saying. In the case of Crimea I do think it has justification in the fact that a majority of Crimeans wanted to leave Ukraine and join Russia and historically there was reason why they would. In the case of Georgia, the ‘justification’ was Georgian impotence vs Chechnia, and I agree the grab was naked imperialism.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’ll give Stockman this, he’s never been afraid to speak his mind.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I was obviously joking. Stockman is a straight arrow, but people are legitimately retarded nowadays and reality is no doubt a Russian smear campaign.

        Look- under your bed- RUSSIANS!

        The slightly more retarded brand of John Bircherism is endlessly humorous to me.

      • Rebel Scum

        Look- under your bed- RUSSIANS!

        My cats are Russian agents? Actually that would make sense. Russia doesn’t want people of Ukrainian descent to get any sleep.

      • Not Adahn

        Are they Russian Blues?

      • Rebel Scum

        No. Domestic shorthairs. One marble and one tuxedo. The perfect disguises.

        But I wouldn’t mind having a Russian Blue. Gotta wait for one of these two to kick it before I upgrade to a designer cat though.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’m really just beginning to realize that with the fall of the Soviet Union, the Clintons et al saw not an opportunity for increased liberty in the world but an increased graft. In much the same way the Republicans like to get rich off the war machine, the Democrats created a whole new system for ripping off the American taxpayer and fucking the citizens of foreign countries.

      • AlexinCT

        Ask the Haitians….

    • Drake

      Everything I read indicates that every aspect of the Obama Administration foreign policy was completely monetized. Your link and mine above – everyone involved was crooked and had their hands in the till. $3 Billion + in disappeared foreign aid spreads around nicely. Makes a red curtain of rage fall across my sight if I think on it too long.

      The only solution.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Isn’t that the Chicago way?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        If that were the Chicago Way then the guillotine would be running 24/7, because there is no shortage of deserving victims.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I meant the monetization part

      • Drake

        That’s the DC way.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Space Nazis!

    NASA has renamed the most distant object ever explored, the mysterious Ultima Thule, after controversy arose that its name was linked to the Nazi party.

    Previously known as “2014 MU69,” the celestial object was given the informal name of Ultima Thule by the New Horizons team, after a mythical northern land in classical and medieval European literature, according to Science Alert. However, the Thule Society, founded in 1918, was also the name of a German occultist group that would later evolve into the Nazi party.

    NASA has since renamed the object as Arrokoth, a Native American term meaning “sky” in the Powhatan/Algonquian language, after getting consent from elders in the Powhatan Tribe.

    “The name ‘Arrokoth’ reflects the inspiration of looking to the skies, and wondering about the stars and worlds beyond our own,” said Alan Stern, New Horizons principal investigator from Southwest Research Institute, in a statement. “That desire to learn is at the heart of the New Horizons mission, and we’re honored to join with the Powhatan community and people of Maryland in this celebration of discovery.”

    Stern did not reference the link to the Thule Society as a reason for the new name, but did mention it during a press conference. “Just because some bad guys once liked that term, we’re not going to let them hijack it,” Stern said, according to The Independent. Ultima Thule is also the name of a Swedish rock group that has been alleged to be racist, a claim the band has publicly denied on its website.

    Them Nazzis are everywhere. Under your bed, behind your couch, in outer space. Cancel them, we must.

    • Rebel Scum

      Ultima Thule by the New Horizons team, after a mythical northern land in classical and medieval European literature

      Medieval Nazi’s?

      • Not Adahn

        Yus.

        Medieval people were white guys who were busy erasing the accomplishments of proud LGBTQI2S++ PoCs from the historical record of Europe.

    • R C Dean

      NASA has since renamed the object as Arrokoth, a Native American term meaning “sky” in the Powhatan/Algonquian language, after getting consent from elders in the Powhatan Tribe.

      Oh, FFS. Fire them all.

      • Rhywun

        Got woke?™

      • Gustave Lytton

        Aside from the stupidity of asking a bunch of racist for permission to use a word, what are the odds there wasn’t a quid pro quo for that? I bet they didn’t pay in beads either.

    • R C Dean

      Previously known as “2014 MU69,” the celestial object was given the informal name of Ultima Thule by the New Horizons team, after a mythical northern land in classical and medieval European literature, according to Science Alert. However, the Thule Society, founded in 1918, was also the name of a German occultist group that would later evolve into the Nazi party.

      What’s that “also” doing in there?

      Is the new rule that any word used by Nazis can’t ever be used again? If so, the Democratic Socialists are going to need a new name.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Pretty much all verboten along with 1488, 14, 88, the OK symbol, Pepe the Frog, the bowl haircut, milk, and I’m sure a shitload of other stuff.

      • leon

        can i say i think the 14 and the 88 are stupid to get upset about. It’s like getting upset about someone using 666, except that at least 666 has wider cultural awareness.

      • mock-star

        I disagree. The 1488 stuff is the only one of these things that existed before 2016. In other words, its the only actual neo-nazi affliated symbol here, the rest are made up. You see a lot of 1488 tats with AB, Aryan Knights, Peckerwoods, and every other white supremacist prison gang. No Pepes or OK symbols or bowlcuts though.

      • wdalasio

        the bowl haircut

        Moe Howard and the Beatles hardest hit.

      • kinnath

        mop top — she loves you yeah yeah yeah

    • ChipsnSalsa

      ?

    • Not Adahn

      It’s a stupid name since we’re constantly going to be finding more thules that are ultimaer.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Thule-ly you jest.

    • Bobarian LMD

      NAZA?

    • wdalasio

      However, the Thule Society, founded in 1918, was also the name of a German occultist group that would later evolve into the Nazi party.

      Two minutes on Wikipedia could have resolved that one:

      Rudolf von Sebottendorff had withdrawn from the Thule Society in 1919, but he returned to Germany in 1933 in the hope of reviving it. In that year, he published a book entitled Bevor Hitler kam ((in German): Before Hitler Came), in which he claimed that the Thule Society had paved the way for the Führer: “Thulers were the ones to whom Hitler first came, and Thulers were the first to unite themselves with Hitler.” This claim was not favourably received by the Nazi authorities: after 1933, esoteric organisations were suppressed (including völkisch occultists), many closed down by anti-Masonic legislation in 1935. Sebottendorff’s book was prohibited and he himself was arrested and imprisoned for a short period in 1934, afterwards departing into exile in Turkey.

      (emphasis added)

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s sad I know this, but the whole Thule Nazi “connection” is just bullshit popularized by the Supernatural TV show.

        It only stands to figure that some geeky engineers would be concerned by that.

      • Chipwooder

        The one prominent Nazi who was a member of the Thule Society was Alfred Rosenberg, who was basically ignored and mocked by the rest of the party leadership. Before it was published, he gave Hitler a copy of his book The Myth of the Twentieth Century to review. Hitler never read it and eventually gave it back to Rosenberg, telling him “I’m sure it’s fine”. Hitler later said of it, ” must insist that Rosenberg’s “The Myth of the Twentieth Century” is not to be regarded as an expression of the official doctrine of the party. The moment the book appeared, I deliberately refrained from recognizing it as any such thing.” According to Speer, Hitler also said “No one understands that stuff.” Goebbels called it “a philosophical belch”.

        IOW, it had virtually no influence on the NSDAP.

  20. R C Dean

    I chuckled at this.

    • Suthenboy

      From the news I have seen coming out of the UK I imagine Hitler and Satan are toasting and laughing their asses off.

  21. Spudalicious

    Dammit. I let myself get sucked into watching this clown show. There are people that need to be punched in the throat and then tossed into the wood chipper.

    • leon

      What clown show?

      • Spudalicious

        The “impeachment” hearing.

      • AlexinCT

        You expected anything but a freaking shitshow replete with falsehoods from the people that are trying desperately to get rid of the guy that has been in assault mode on their bureaucratic deep state after managing to win an election that had been rigged for Clinton and all the illegal shit the Obama admin sanctioned and even ordered to try and entrap members of the opposite political party? I thoought you were smarter than than Spudmeister…

      • Spudalicious

        No, I didn’t. But apparently I’m masochistic.

      • R C Dean

        A taste.

        My favorite so far: Schiff actually said in public that he has no idea who the whistleblower is.

      • leon

        The one who was in contact with his office?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        There was the one with no first hand knowledge who started the investigation. I suppose there is someone else who supplied the whistleblower the original information. If I were charitable that might be what Schiff is referring to.

        Of course I think Schiff is so far in the thrall TDS that he believes the “transcript” he read is the actual one.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Schiff was a nobody before all of this. He wants a CA senate seat and this is his ticket.

      • Fourscore

        He knows Pelosi is leaving, needs to look tough to become Speaker

      • R C Dean

        And the one who everybody knows who it is – Ciamarella.

        His silence speaks volumes, BTW. If it wasn’t him, he would have denied it (like that reporter chick who got fired for leaking, oops, not leaking at all, the Epstein outtake).

      • Suthenboy

        If ‘in contact with his office’ means the guy he sat down with and cajoled into spinning this complete bullshit then yes, you are correct.

      • Ted S.

        I’m guessing he’s talking about the impeachment hearing.

    • Rebel Scum

      Just turned it on. I forgot I could stream it at work. I like the clown shows. But you are right. Disingenuous horseshit all the way down.

      • Rebel Scum

        Shifty Schiff’s closing statement…good lord. . .

      • Spudalicious

        Who you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes.

    • Suthenboy

      “…punched in the throat and then tossed into the wood chipper.”

      No shit. The mendacity is beyond belief. What do those fuckers is going to happen if they succeed? We are all just gonna roll over while they wreck the country? Jesus.

      ***

      ““I am not a boomer,” Bernie said, the left side of his face sagging.”

      Perfect. Brilliant. If I don’t read anything else today that one line is enough.

  22. Sensei

    Every now and again the former Gawker properties connect with the ball. What a day at work – no time to Glib!

    From the comments:

    When Nissan send their cars, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending cars that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing CVT. They’re bringing mediocrity. They’re Rogues. And none, I assume, are good cars.

    Japan Wants You To Stop Buying All Its Skyline GT-Rs

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’d drive a Fair Lady Z, IYKWIM.

      • Sensei

        There are quite a few JDMs (Japan Domestic Market) I’d like to drive. Cars too!

  23. Scruffy Nerfherder

    My brain hurts:

    Democratic @RepMikeQuigley admits that this hearing is a waste of time saying that “hearsay can be much better evidence than direct.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder
    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Never mind the centuries of legal jurisprudence.

    • leon

      Rest assured, there is a glut of dumb politicians in this country

    • R C Dean

      OMG. Really? Second-hand (at best) accounts are better than first-hand accounts?

      • AlexinCT

        When your objective isn’t to really prosecute a crime-crime, but a madeup-crime because you need to get rid of someone you don’t want looking into the dirty shit – the real criminal shit – that you have been up to, you will say stupid shit like this. Wait until someone tells this asshat they plan to use the same logic to destroy his stupid ass….

    • Jarflax

      I’d say “Who?” but last time I said that was in 92 and the nobody Governor ended up with 2 terms so what do I know.

  24. Private Chipperbot

    Thinking about this Remington advertising thing. What if someone read How to Shoot Like a Navy Seal and then went out and shot people. Would the author be liable? Would Amazon for promoting it? His publisher? Me for linking? Tell me Justice Roberts!

    • Jarflax

      OK, that one is funny.

    • R C Dean

      Lesson learned: Stop keeping White House visitor logs.

  25. JaimeRoberto Delecto

    If SNL were funny, they’d write stuff like this.