Sanders voters suffer from case of mistaken identity

by | Jan 16, 2020 | Satire | 223 comments

January 16, 2020 – Washington Bureau

A new Gallup-Quinnipiac-Eyeglass poll has exposed a disturbing weakness in Bernie Sanders’ voting base. According to the January 14th poll, 53% of likely Bernie Sanders voters think that they’re voting for somebody else.

While most of the alter ego voters thought they were voting for celebrities with similar names, like Adam Sandler and Barney from How I Met Your Mother, others believed they were voting for different old white men, like Doc Brown from Back to the Future and Santa Claus.

Lindsay Devaless, a senior beverage engineer at Streetcorner Java and Scones, found the number of candidates confusing. “I’m voting for Barney because he just seems like such a fun guy to take to bed! I’m not really looking for commitment, and his ‘I don’t care’ attitude is so different from my other boyfriends. I loved him on that TV show, and I’m sure he’d love me if he met me!”

After being informed that the person she was referring to was Neil Patrick Harris, and that he was gay, Lindsay expressed her frustration. “Harris? Didn’t he drop out months ago? And wasn’t the gay one named Butt something or other? I remember because it was so metaphorical. Or is it metaphysical? Gah! Politics is so confusing! Why do the Russians have to keep confusing me? Hashtag impeach!”

Joe Steel, a Bernie voter who mistook him for Santa Claus was much more insistent on his interpretation. “What? You’re telling me that’s not Santa?? Get outta here! Sure, he shaved his beard, but you can see the twinkle in his eye and the aura of unrealistic mythology! The guy talks about giving free stuff to everybody! Free houses, free college, free healthcare. He even makes sure you get the good stuff! Like he said, ‘nobody needs 32 different kinds of deodorant.’ Santy only gives the best! Oh, and I have it on good authority that he’s making a list and checking it twice. Those naughty Repuklicons aren’t gonna be getting any dirty coal in their stockings this year!”

When asked about why he’s voting for Santa, Steel pointed to the track records of philanthropists in the Oval Office. “After four years of Hitler, I think we’re all wishing we could get back to those two terms of Oprah. Since the evil Republicans won’t let Oprah run again, we have to vote for the next best thing… Santy Claus!”

Although the confusion may seem to play to the detriment of Bernie, experts believe otherwise. Wallace Oppenbaugh, professor of political science at Northwest Connecticut University and Grill wrote in a recent editorial that “[Sanders’ campaign] stands to gain from the confusion. Just like his ideas and platform are much more palatable to people who don’t understand them, he’s a much more electable candidate when a majority of his voters think that he was in a movie with Jennifer Aniston.”

Oppenbaugh warns, however, that this phenomenon is not universal. “We tried to interview voters who had mistakenly voted for Hillary Clinton, but unfortunately they all committed suicide right after the poll results became public.”

One final insight provided by the poll has quite positive implications for Sanders’ candidacy. Of the 47% who knew who they were voting for, all but two of them are legally dead. The other two are millennial trust fund babies living for free in their parents’ in-law suites. Bonta Aghilorian-Binar (whe/whore) , a Sanders campaign spokesentity, seized on the momentum. “The deceased are a great constituency for Bernie. He relates so closely to them! As somebody who has seen the light, so to say, a few times, Bernie has a good grasp on deceased-American electoral issues. They are really passionate for free college and single payer healthcare!”

While some herald this poll as the culmination of the Sanders campaign, others see it as the beginning of his ascendancy. Martin MacGlide shared his optimism. “If he doesn’t win this year, he can always hop in his DeLorean and drive his way to the candidacy in the 2024 election. The only issue is finding a new flux capacitor after installing the current one in place of his syphilis-riddled heart.”

About The Author

trshmnstr

trshmnstr

I stink, therefore I am.

223 Comments

  1. Spudalicious

    That was good stuff.

    • Festus

      Heartily agreed! Nice work, Trashy.

  2. Ted S.

    The deceased are a great constituency for Bernie. He relates so closely to them!

    I figured it was because he favors policies that will create so many of them.

    • Spudalicious

      Nah, it’s because he’s so close to being one of them.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        ¿por qué no los dos?

      • DenverJ

        Cause in Muricah, it’s either or. Negro o blanco. Bueno o mal- no Shades of Gray here, hedonite!

    • Festus

      Those things must be adamantine to poke though two layers of shirt.

    • Spudalicious

      I love Jennifer Aniston’s nipples.

      • Rhywun

        Now that’s a band name.

      • DenverJ

        +1

    • Rhywun

      LOL that’s awesome if true.

      • Fourscore

        The news is free but the paper costs money. Only proves senators are underpaid and should get a paid subscription, like franking privileges, so they can keep up with what’s happening in Wash, DC.

      • mikey

        That’s how Barry learned what’s happening. Wonder who paid for his paper.

      • Tres Cool

        Bill Ayers

  3. The Hyperbole

    You can’t fool me, there ain’t no sanity claus!

    Also good stuff Trashy, a little forced at the end but it’s hard to hit that sweet spot in absurdist satire.

    • Tres Cool

      Best Marx Bros line ever

      • The Hyperbole

        + I was blind for three days.

      • Tres Cool

        + Shyster, Flywheel, and Shyster

  4. Fourscore

    I read about 1/2, nodding my head in agreement, before I figured out it was humor. It sure read like a Bernie press release.

    Fool me once and I’ll keep on laughing all the way through. Thanks for a reality check, Trashy

  5. commodious spittoon

    Better than the Bee. They knock it out of the park with the headlines, but the article usually feels tacked on. This is long-form parody done right.

    (I assume this is parody. The “gulags weren’t so bad” tankies make it difficult to tell.)

    • Tulip

      My mother has cousins that are about her age, then a second set that are closer to my older brother’s age. Because my mom’s uncle and his wife were sent to Siberia, because of their ethnicity, and she died there. When he was able to return, he remarried. Despite a commitment to the NAP, I want to punch “the gulags weren’t so bad” crowd in the throat.

    • Trigger Hippie

      They borrow from the banter here anyways, might as well hire the guy robbing them of an actual article.

      Yes, I’m in Camp Bee Lurker. Their recent Hate Birds story pretty much confirmed it for me.

      Great job!

    • mikey

      Looks kinda scarey. I’m sure Gov Blackface would not approve.

    • Tres Cool

      I wrote in V.S. in 2016

    • Spudalicious

      15 and 80.

  6. Yusef drives a Kia

    Nice one Trashy!

    • Tres Cool

      HEY YUFUS!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Bacon, eggs, beer and FREEDOM!!!!

      • Tres Cool

        No shit.

  7. Q Continuum

    “senior beverage engineer”

    LOL

  8. Scruffy Nerfherder

    *golf clap*

    • Sean

      I hope that’s not a disc golf clap.

      *side eyes Scruffy*

      We have standards around these parts…

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        *hides collectors edition pro frisbee behind back*

        Yeah, uhhh… yeah… sure man

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I said I kill hippies,
        #it’s OK to disc golf while White,

  9. Tundra

    Northwest Connecticut University and Grill …

    Gold.

    Nice work, trashy.

  10. DenverJ

    Is this offensive, or just funny?

    • Tulip

      Neither

    • Rhywun

      I don’t get it.

      • DenverJ

        That’s what she said

      • Rhywun

        Am I supposed to be looking at the pic on the top left? Whatever it is, it’s cut off and won’t expand so I can’t read it.

      • Tundra

        Same.

      • DenverJ

        Idk. Maybe I’m no good at this. Two drawings of Uranus and Jewpitur

    • Sensei

      With no other context just juvenile to me.

    • Spudalicious

      Neither.

    • DenverJ

      Oh come on. That’s funny. It’s just a couple of puns.

    • MikeS

      God damn I hate Pintrest. Just show me a single photo/meme/image/thing.

  11. Q Continuum

    Conspiracy Theory (kind of):

    Pelosi, execrable she may be, is not stupid. I think she held onto the impeachment paperwork until after New Year’s to force the trial in the Senate as long as possible to take Bernie and Lizzy off the campaign trail. She’s is a thoroughly political creature and the primary puppeteer in the DNC. She knows that the best shot at beating Trump is Biden. Get the two lunatic socialists off the campaign trail and Biden can campaign his senile little heart out unopposed.

    • DenverJ

      Maybe. I vote for incompetence.

      • Q Continuum

        Definitely a possibility.

      • Mojeaux

        I vote for short-sightedness, the inability to understand why Cheeto Jesus does what he does, and panicking about the upcoming election with a slate full of losers. In response, she zigs when she should zag, and I think she’s a mite punch-drunk.

      • Tulip

        Drunk drunk is better than punch drunk

      • Bobarian LMD

        Drunk drunk and senility are my guess.

      • DenverJ

        There seems a certain willingness among Democrats, lately, to destroy longstanding norms in order to aquire short term gain. For instance: getting rid of the filibuster for Supreme Court nominees, talk of packing the same, various schemes to neuter the Electoral College, etc.
        These are not the actions of a loyal opposition, mindfull of the mercurial fortune of the parties. It is, in effect, a declaration of revolution- a purposeful tearing down of institutions that the Democrat party no longer wishes to keep. It is the most dangerous political trend of my lifetime. The Democrats are, in effect, saying that they no longer support the old rules, because they think they can just use the guillotine instead.

      • Social Justice is Neither

        They did not get rid of the filibuster for SCOTUS, just everything else. At that point the question wasn’t if they would do it for SCOTUS but when, so may as well be first mover against an opponent that doesn’t respect rules/notms.

    • KSuellington

      Absolutely that is her plan. She’s nutty but she is not nuts. This will be a few weeks off the campaign trail for Senators Sandinista and Lies Like Dog. She wants Biden to win the nomination.

    • Trigger Hippie

      It just might work if Biden’s handlers decide that the wisest course of action is to keep his speaking engagements and interaction with the general public at an absolute minimum before the convention.

    • Social Justice is Neither

      I’m assuming she isn’t stupid so the delay was to craft the “Republicans not doing their job” narrative with the press as well as hopefully let other investigations bring in support for their ever changing charges.

      • R C Dean

        I think she heLd off until they could arrange for anew January surprise witness like the guy on Meadow today. A Hail Mary was the only play left to her.

      • LCDR_Fish

        Yeah…I’m not really sure what the deal is with delivering stuff to the Senate while still continuing the house investigation. Seems like double jeopardy (I know real court rules don’t apply) and gives Mitch a good reason to sit on the whole thing till they give him a finished product.

    • The Last American Hero

      Nonsense. The plan was to drag it out into the general campaign. Mitch called her bluff.

  12. Mojeaux

    Very good, Trashy! The “I just know he’ll love me!” made me LOL

  13. Tulip

    Good job Trashy!

  14. Tulip

    I have mice, my cat brought me one still squirming, I found a mouse head, and I’m afraid the cat will bring me another while I’m in bed. I’m on my third martini. I’ll be hung over when the exterminator guy gets here. There is not enough booze in the world to deal with this.

    • Tulip

      On the plus side,I am taking tomorrow off so I have a four day weekend, and have two paintings to finish. Plus, I think I have finalized the recipe for the banoffee pie inspired cake I want to make.

    • Rhywun

      Jealous. I have a stomach thing so I decided to lay off the last couple days.

      • Tulip

        Booze or cake?

      • Rhywun

        Booze. Cake doesn’t get me drunk.

      • Tulip

        Sorry, I’ve been there

      • Mojeaux

        I want cake.

        I feel like getting plastered on sugar.

      • Tulip

        I’m happy to send you a piece. Or visit and bake for you

      • Mojeaux

        I would love that, thank you!

        I am getting a tension headache. I never get headaches. This is the third day in a row I’ve had one about this time of night and yet, I have shit to get done.

        Tomorrow is my appointment with the lawyer. I have a stack of documents 3 inches high.

      • Tulip

        Or mice? (I don’t judge.)

    • Gender Traitor

      Can you shut your Mighty Hunter out of the bedroom, or will he protest loud and long?

      • Tulip

        He will protest.

      • Gender Traitor

        Got earplugs?

        First hubby & I accidentally brought mice into our first apartment (in an old house) when we moved in a stove that had been in my mom’s garage. I’d moved in a few weeks ahead of soon-to-be hubby, so I was there alone, sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I kept the lights on all night and pounded on the floor whenever I saw a mouse peeking out from wherever he was hiding. Good times.

      • Tulip

        If a mouse was that obvious, even the dog would catch it, I think. She has dug up and caught a vole. I was not quick enough to make her drop it

    • Tulip

      I worked for a high end rental company in Fargo. We would have people complain that they had roaches (they had come from places with roaches) We would tell them that they brought them, but they never believed us. When I moved back from Texas, I would put a box together, spray it inside and out with raid, pack it, tape it, spray it again. I even disassembled my vacuum and sprayed it. Rodents are just as gross.

  15. Aloysious

    Bernie Sanders looks like the old guys from The Muppet Show.

    I’d vote for Beeker over those old coots.

    • MikeS
  16. J. Frank Parnell

    What the actual fucking fuck

    Raise a glass—today is the 100th anniversary of Prohibition, which led to the #FBI’s pursuit of the American gangster. During the Roaring Twenties, mobsters spent their profits from bootlegging & speakeasies on “Tommy” guns & bribes. Read more #history at http://ow.ly/8GHX50xSxbH

    • straffinrun

      They do seem untouchable nowadays.

    • Festus

      That’s akin to Barack and Hillary raising a glass to their “liberation” of Libya. Honk! Honk!

    • Rhywun

      Just… wow.

      • Tundra

        I assume you mean the Rangers victory?

      • Rhywun

        Playoffs here we come.

    • Festus

      Ugh. Their home in Victoria is about two-three miles from where I lived.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        That’s what you get for living in Canada. We should not be normalizing people living in Canada

      • Festus

        I loved living there but it was wound pretty tight and populated with blue-noses. The home of Canada’s Green Party that still pumps raw sewage into the Straight of Juan deFuca.

  17. MikeS

    Good stuff. This gave me an extra tingle up my leg:

    (whe/whore)

  18. Tulip

    Still in the dreaming phase of vacation planning. Right now, the top three are Budapest, Japan and South Africa. Maine is also in the running, but I would prefer overseaw

    • Tundra

      We’re off to Maine this summer – I can’t remember who recommended Acadia, but it looks awesome.

      I don’t think you can go wrong with any of your options.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Possibly me – did Acadia this summer, will certainly be back.

        We stayed here and it was great – about 20 minutes from the park itself, but Southwest Harbor is far quieter than over by Bar Harbor.

        We’ll be back (dog friendly, too).

      • Tundra

        Yep, you are the guilty party!

        We have traveled West our whole lives. Acadia has been on the list for awhile so now’s the time! We have been searching for places away from BH, but we generally do a cabin or cottage. So we’ll see.

        Dog goes to the puppy hotel. No way I’m flying him anywhere at his age.

        You down for questions as we get closer?

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Absolutely.

    • KSuellington

      If you go to Budapest I recommend at least one of the baths if not more, the Great Market to get lunch and check out the awesome building and this fun little (mostly) outdoor museum.

      http://m.mementopark.hu/

    • grrizzly

      I’m admitting it publicly for the first time but Budapest has failed to impress me. Unlike, say, Prague, Tallinn or Vienna, if we’re staying in Eastern/Central Europe.

      • CPRM

        Mr. Fancy Pants World Traveler.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Way to assume grrizzly wears pants, shitlord!

      • CPRM

        I implied xer pants were fancy, not that xe wore them.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Will confirm re: pants after Sunday – meeting grrizzly. If he kills me and sells my organs, I blame you all.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Japan (except for maybe Hokkaido?) can be deeply unpleasant in the summer and surrounding months unless sauna is a preference.

      • LCDR_Fish

        Also the olympics this year. Probably not the best option (unless you’re into that).

  19. Tulip

    I have figured out the banoffee inspired cake. I’ll let you know how it does at work.

    • Tundra

      How long were we really holding true to the Constitution?

      A few years?

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        George Washington held it together for a while and then Adams went YOLO with the Alien and Sedition Act

      • Neil Peart's Celestial Woodchipper

        If you’re being generous.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        How long were we really holding true to the Constitution?

        It seems to me that they were pretty true to the concept up through the War of Northern Aggression. Even into the 1920’s they recognized that they had to amend the Constitution to prohibit alcohol.

        I put the turning point at the Wilson administration but there is considerable leeway.

  20. Tundra

    Man, Ovi is amazing.

    25th hat trick tonight.

    • MikeS

      75 goals in one night? Impressive.

    • Neil Peart's Celestial Woodchipper

      Will he break Gretzky’s record? I say no, but I’m not sure.

      • Tundra

        Hard to say.

        99 had 50 hat tricks.

        He also had 894 goals – Ovi has 689?

        I’d be thrilled to see it, but I don’t think Ovi will be around long enough to do it.

  21. Neil Peart's Celestial Woodchipper

    OT: Any thoughts on Eric Weinstein’s latest podcast? I’m intrigued by the direction that he’s taking it, but it may also turn out to be tinfoil hat party.

  22. Brochettaward

    GAO finds Trump administration broke law by withholding Ukraine aid

    “Faithful execution of the law does not permit the President to substitute his own policy priorities for those that Congress has enacted into law,” the report said. “OMB withheld funds for a policy reason, which is not permitted under the Impoundment Control Act (ICA)…Therefore, we conclude that OMB violated the ICA.”

    The GAO opinion touched on a matter at the center of impeachment proceedings against President Trump: The decision by the White House to withhold nearly $400 million in U.S. aid to Kyiv as it fights off pro-Russian separatists.

    Democrats allege Trump dangled the promise of aid and a White House meeting as leverage to get Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to open investigations into a 2020 political rival. They argue the White House then sought to obstruct their impeachment inquiry by blocking the testimony of current and former White House officials, while asserting absolute immunity over their testimony.

    I’m curious as to what the GAO had to say when the Obama administration threatened to withhold aid until Ukraine fired their top prosecutor. Or any of the other times when they threatened to withhold aid for policy reasons. Like, say, with Uganda.

    • Neil Peart's Celestial Woodchipper

      RACIST!!!!!

  23. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    Why don’t people say “gag me with a spoon anymore”? Or “all that and a bag of chips”?

    I always imagined the chips being referenced were Doritos (aka “the Cadillac of chips”). Thoughts?

    • Mojeaux

      Only old people say “gag me with a spoon” and “all that and a bag of chips” and “talk to the hand” and suchlike. XY rolls his eyes if I say something that’s 2 days out of date. “You’re not keeping up with the memes, Mom!”

      Sorry my earning a living and carting you around are getting in the way of your amusement, XY.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I’m not old. I just like chips

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        *grumbles* Stupid kids and their cool lingo

        *shakes fist*

    • Rhywun

      The first one is for Valley girls only, so maybe ask one.
      The second one, I’ve never heard of.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        You have never heard “all that and a bag of chips”?

        Might I introduce you to a magical movie known as “She’s All That”. I feel confident that they used that popular 90s phrase in that movie.

        You can thank me later

      • Rhywun

        Hard pass.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Freddie Prinze Jr. and Rachel Lee Cooke back when people knew who they were. That’s a classic cinema masterpiece comparable to “You Got Served”.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Now I fell like having some eggs.

      • CPRM
      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Thongs were so popular in the late 90s/ early 2000s.

        I’m a hipster panties man, myself, so I wasn’t sad to see that fad simmer down

      • CPRM

        I’ve always had a weak spot for lace lingerie myself.

    • straffinrun

      Someone ran away with it?

    • J. Frank Parnell

      ok boomer

    • Tundra

      *fishes fly out of Chardonnay*

    • Mojeaux

      Like all the dudes in Hollywood who are “feminist allies” and end up being sexual predators.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      It’s gotten to the point where I just assume everyone is secretly fucking kids. Sick world

      • Brochettaward

        Not Old Man With Candy. He does it out in the open.

  24. Rhywun

    I hate when this happens to me.

    He later claimed he found Fuentes passed out and tried to help her, but his pants fell down and his genitals came in contact with hers.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      You got some dark posts this evening, Rhywun

    • KSuellington

      Sick fuck. It’s still shocks me how the left has gotten this sanctuary shit so far beyond anything reasonable. I consider myself highly pro immigrant, I don’t want cops pestering people for their IDs for minor infractions, but start breaking NAP laws and get the hell out of here, we have enough homegrown shitheads. My brother got hit in his truck by (what we assume) was an illegal immigrant who had no DL and no insurance. The guy actually made out far better than a citizen would have, they basically released him almost immediately and nothing else happened.

    • CPRM

      I always have the wrong kinds of accidents.

    • Gustave Lytton

      FILED UNDER ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

      Stop conceding the premise you dumb fucks. They’re illegal aliens, not immigrants.

      • KSuellington

        Ah, I don’t know. Both work really. They are technically immigrants once they get here with intent to stay without the permission slip. They did so illegally, if you want to make them aliens that’s fine too.

      • CPRM

        Immigrants get the permission slip, aliens do not. The argument can be made that a permission slip should be easier or not required at all, but a person willing to break the first law that is an hurdle is more willing to to break the next, and so on.

      • Rhywun

        Apparently he lives with a father and brother. Maybe he’s a Dreamer. In which case whoTF knows what his status is.

      • KSuellington

        The permission slip says “resident alien” on it. Until you get the “permanent resident” one.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan
      • KSuellington

        Solid 90’s tune there. Dug it, still dig it.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I saw them and God Lives Underwater semi-randomly at The Paradise, back in the day.

        Random pairing, but I had a good time.

      • grrizzly

        Every foreigner* arriving in America is presumed to be an immigrant unless he obtains in advance proof that he is not–a non-immigrant visa, ESTA and so on. The U.S. Government firmly believes that every foreigner wants to settle here. That’s why male illegals of appropriate age are required to register with the Selective Service, while foreign students and tourists are not. I spent more than a decade rolling my eyes at the term illegal immigrant before I read about this immigrant/non-immigrant difference.

        *Canada isn’t a real foreign country.

      • CPRM

        male illegals of appropriate age are required to register with the Selective Service,

        Under who’s name? Because it’s not their own, that’s part of why they’re illegal.

      • grrizzly

        Probably their own. I only know that it’s a standard question during the naturalization process. Perhaps, it won’t prevent one from becoming a citizen but it’s a clear negative.

    • Chafed

      That’s infuriating. He’s the poster child for Trump’s immigration policy.

  25. KSuellington

    Trump Starves Americans: Women, Children and POC Hardest Hit

    Actually not a bad start really, food stamp recipients went from 44 million to 34 million since his inauguration.

    https://www.manhattancontrarian.com/

    • Gustave Lytton

      Far too many healthy working age adults using those credit card like SNAP funded cards. Like these

      https://www.oregon.gov/DHS/ASSISTANCE/FOOD-BENEFITS/PublishingImages/oregon-trail-card.jpg

      If I had my druthers, the card would be bright red with “Food Stamps” in large black letters. Or alternatively “Social Parasite”. No graphics, no feel good bullshit. Shame is missing from welfare. By intention.

      • KSuellington

        Absolutely. I’ve seen my share of able bodied young people using those cards in line at the store to buy a bunch of crap ass food. In the article it mentions that during the Obama years they actually had a training program on how to sell people that refused food stamps to get on the program.

      • Rhywun

        Huh, I thought they were all the same nationwide. Here it says “BENEFITS” in giant letters across the front.

      • CPRM

        Nope, here it’s a ‘Quest Card’ looks the same as a credit card. Only 1 local store has a card reader different from the one the one that takes actual money. Wouldn’t want to shame anyone.

      • KSuellington

        Same here, they look exactly like a debit/credit card and work on the same machine. One of the choices is ‘EBT’ on the machine prompts. No shame in that game at all.

    • CPRM

      Meanwhile, state medicaid saw fit to cancel me because as they see’s it I’v’e got income from my job (from which I was fired) plus unemployment (because I was fired from said job) plus my freelance income. Brilliant bastards that they are.

      • KSuellington

        That is our entire welfare state in a nutshell. Make it so that people who need a temporary handout due to some life complications end up having to stay on it rather than take a job.

      • Festus

        Coercive helplessness. Vote D for moar free shit.

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        +200 years

    • Chafed

      That’s clever.

  26. cyto

    A report from Florida Man that might prove illustrative:

    I was driving down Federal Highway in Ft. Lauderdale today, passing Oakland Bvd. and there was a guy waving a huge Trump campaign flag. He was wearing a grass skirt, no shirt and some other ridiculousness.

    For those not familiar with the area, this is not MAGA country. This is far left territory. This is Wilton Manners, the Ft. Lauderdale super-progressive gay area.

    And a single dude was out on January 16th, waving a Trump flag for motorists.

    I can tell you, nobody would have done this for Bush. Nor Romney or McCaine. Not in that neighborhood.

    In 2016 I told everyone here that I was seeing very few Hillary bumper stickers and yard signs. In fact, right before the election I reported seeing just as many Trump signs as Hillary signs on my drive to take the kids to school…. whereas the Obama/Romney breakdown was more like 10 to 1.

    So far this year…. lots of Trump signs for this early. Lots of fanatics with big Trump flags in their yard. No democrat stuff yet. It is early, but this is a pretty big sign. All of the water cooler talk is still of the “Oh, everybody hates Trump” variety. But I have yet to hear anyone getting enthusiastic about someone on team D.

    • straffinrun

      It’s amazing that Trump is still able to play the scrappy underdog role even when he’s the incumbent.

      • KSuellington

        I think the impeachment is going to help him at least as much as hurt him if not a bit more.

      • cyto

        If it reminds people about the other team… the ones responsible for Kavanaugh and Sandman and the fake Russia investigation… That might not be the persuader, but it certainly fires up the base. And if you are a dude or if you have a son, the Kavanaugh hearings and Sandman should be enough to get you fired up to turn out at rates that are previously unheard of.

        I’m a guaranteed L vote for over 30 years. I predicted zero actual votes for Trump last time. I’ll be voting for him this time. Mostly against them, and mostly because of the extreme beliefs of the democrats and their attack on people who look like me.

      • Festus

        “and their attack on people who look like me” From your mouth to God’s ear, Cyto. I’m no SoCon but when the mouthpieces of the Left have declared me an enemy I’m not taking that nonsense laying down.

      • straffinrun

        Just need to keep the country split along similar lines as 2016 and he’ll win. TDS vs Anti TDS. Since he didn’t burn the house down in his first term, it should be harder for the TDS side this time around.

      • cyto

        Well, with the massive negative ad campaign being run against him continuously – it is amazing that he didn’t fold tent. You still won’t hear full throated support for Trump unless it is in friendly company. They have succeeded in establishing that all of polite society rejects Trump.

        Which, of course, is going to make the revelation that their insular bubble is not a representative sample all the more painful.

      • KSuellington

        Indeed it will. I’m there with you, I didn’t vote for him last time but I will be this time. He has far surpassed my meager expectations for him before he was elected. I thought he’d be an utterly terrible president (but at least not Hillary). He has actually come through on a few things, or made a solid attempt to, and the Dems have been utterly and completely contemptible. They need a major spanking from the voters, I really want to see this one, even more than the last. Maybe they will learn something.

    • KSuellington

      I haven’t laid down my bets yet, but I am about to start coaxing a few of my wagering Trump hating buddies into a few. Two are already going to owe me fairly nicely once he completes his first term. The signs are there for a bigger win than last time. As long as there is no black swan event or an unlikely recession, he is a lock I think.

      • straffinrun

        He starts a new war or really expands any of the current ones and he’ll lose.

  27. CPRM

    Speaking of Resident Aliens; jut had to throw my little not brother out. I’m unemployed, let him stay with me to get his shit straight, couldn’t follow the simple rules I set out for him.

    • CPRM

      Almost brought me to tears, but I can’t be doing this drama.

      • cyto

        Yeah… .our dog can’t follow our straight, simple rules either. “Don’t pee on the carpet” sounds pretty simple. But apparently not.

        And it seems that “taking him to the Korean restaurant” isn’t funny. At least, that’s what I ascertained from the exchange with the spouse after I made the suggestion.

        Which I suppose mean’s I’m offering support for your challenging position. You know….. at least you didn’t threaten to cook him and serve him up with a bowl of rice noodles.

      • Festus

        That sucks, Buddy. Sometimes it’s for the best to cut ties not just for you but for their sake, as well.

      • CPRM

        I don’t see it ending for him well. My only rules were tell me where you’re going, and don’t associate with members of your family who are criminals until you’re straightened out. He couldn’t abide by either.

      • Festus

        Had a cousin that was more like a little sister. She also happened to be Wifey#1’s best friend. We let her move in with us and what a disaster that turned out to be… Fuck-up followed by fuck-up and constant drama. The last straw was when she “borrowed” our car and disappeared for three days. She came back around a few months later looking for a place to crash for the night and I turned her away. She was dead from an OD two days later.

      • CPRM

        It makes me weep. He was raised beside me since he was months young. My dead dad loved him so dearly that he schemed to use his own disability to draw sympathy when Not Brother was arrested on a trumped up felony. No one from his own family was in the courtroom. When Little Not Brother got out, I took him in…so on and so forth. No where did his own family come in, but we’re white, just trying to force him be a whiteman or some such. I’m in tears now, and drunk…(This isn’t a racist screed, just drunk and little not brother isn’t ‘white’ (but not black either, figure that shit out racist liberals))

    • Homple

      That has to hurt. Sad to hear it. Hang in there.

      • CPRM

        My dead dad would have killed any mother fucker who tried to fuck with my little not brother; as would I. But instead time and again he’s chosen to fuck us over. I love him, but I can’t do it anymore.

    • KSuellington

      That sucks, but probably a good decision, he hopefully will get the message sooner or later and change his ways. Maybe then he can rent a room from you.

      • CPRM

        I love him, hope him well, but if you’ve pissed me off, chances are you’ve pissed off everyone. I’m the most live and let live type.

    • straffinrun

      I don’t get that thinking at all. Allowing someone, even a brother, to live with you (rent free?) is a big favor. Repay that with being a fuckhead? That’s insane.

      • CPRM

        Yeah, I guess we’re just racist and shit.

      • straffinrun

        When I stay over at the in laws, I make sure all the futons, blankets etc are folded and put away neatly every morning. Wash every dish I use. Common courtesy isn’t common, evidently. Sorry about the bro.

      • CPRM

        And I bet you also make sure you fucked your wife on all of them before you fold them and put away.

      • straffinrun

        Sex on a futon throws my back out.

      • CPRM

        Sex on a futon throws my back out.

        Right now is one of the many times I had a link to the MTV Undressed promos that with the old guy talking to the dragon puppet.

      • CPRM

        Basically the old guy talks about how friends shouldn’t have sex, then the puppet turns to him and says ‘I’m glad we don’t have sex!’

  28. Gustave Lytton

    Ugh. Seattle needs hockey like they need more bums. Maybe not as bad as Euroflopball.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_NHL_team

    I’m sure the Glibs here can come up with an appropriate Seattle team name.

    • straffinrun

      The Seattle Diversities. Wouldn’t bet much on them.

    • CPRM

      The Seattle STEVE SMITHS

  29. straffinrun

    Just realized that walking around with half a roll of mentos in my front pocket makes the natives think I’m showing off.

    • CPRM

      #metoo

      • straffinrun

        If work really hard, one day you’ll have ¥120, too.

    • Rhywun

      +1 freshmaker

      • Gustave Lytton

        I miss those Euro commercials.

    • CPRM

      #NotAllMuslims ?

      • hayeksplosives

        No TRUE Muslim…

      • CPRM

        I’ll buy that for a dollar!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Stick a mentos in it!

  30. CPRM

    I’ve got to sleep now; tomorrow I have to return all the foodstuffs little not brother’s mom bought, as to show I’m not another ‘whiteman’ trying to steal from them ‘nonwhtes’, or how ever he’s going to try and paint it.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Well, good luck. And good on you for trying. It’s the best one can do.