Banker of Stirnberg, Part 2

by | Jan 30, 2020 | Books, Fiction, Literature | 194 comments

Continued from Part 1.

* * *

The Aurifex Group was an association of goldsmiths who acted as moneylenders and money changers. They had started in Quendaverus, but had merged with guilds and associations outside the dwarf-held lands. They were of the mercantile class, and not above lending across borders. They were also on my mind as Zweitzer’s debts nagged at me. Their place of business in Stirnberg was an annex of the Guildhouse of Goldsmiths. An imposing, half-timbered structure, the Guildhouse had an ample supply of armed guards. I doubted the Guild kept much gold on-premises, but criminals were not always the brightest of people. It had taken a few days to negotiate an audience with the moneylender, mostly because his calendar had been full.

Paavali Grigoris was a plump dwarf with a neat chestnut beard and pale green robes. His thick fingers interlaced as he rested his hands upon his gut. His high-backed walnut chair was carved in angular, dwarven fashion, and looked like a throne. The low-backed guest chair was simpler, and distinctly human in aesthetic. Slate walls and woven tapestries were all in a style that matched his chair. I wasn’t sure how to take the lack of a desk or ledgers. A magnanimous smile cracked his facial hair as Paavali gestured me to the other seat.

“So, you are the agent of Kord von Zesrin?”

“No.”

There was enough of a pause for a quizzical look to enter his steel blue eyes.

“I am Kord von Zesrin,” I said.

“Apologies, I did not expect you to come in person.”

“No offense taken,” I said.

“Is it so dire that you dare not risk an intermediary?”

“No. It is a matter where I’d rather not start rumors if it turns out to be a misunderstanding.”

“While we are competitors, I do not recall anything unsavory happening between your house and the Aurifex Group.” He gestured lazily with one hand. “We prefer to do business without burning bridges. You never know when you might need to work with the competition.”

“I’m glad to hear that. The reason I came was because I heard rather distressing news about a debtor. Supposedly, he had started to borrow from me in order to pay you and the Freinmarkt Mercers. This is a very bad risk.”

“Are you expecting me to tell you about my debtors?” Grigoris asked.

“I was thinking about the matter. If what I’ve heard is true, he is a very bad risk for all of us. The chances of him defaulting are high.”

“And if I were to confirm such debts, you would stop lending to him, putting an end to payments to me.”

“I had thought of the consequences of that discussion, and how it would impact you.”

“Yet you came here anyway.”

“If he’s borrowing to pay you, odds are you’ve cut him off from new loans and are starting to wonder how much of a loss you’ll have to take on the whole bargain. So you might be amenable to say, selling the debt to another party.”

Paavali raised a bushy eyebrow. “You just said this hypothetical account is bad debt.”

“Well, I have recourse that other lenders don’t. My family has the right to sue this particular debtor in the Court of Electors. Which can force him to turn over assets to cover the debt, backed up by armies. So if he does owe you enough money that he has to take out loans to make payments, the question is, how much do you think you can get before his financial house of cards collapses?”

Grigoris mulled the matter over.

“Who is this hypothetical debtor?” the dwarf asked.

“Herzog Gunther Zweitzer von Stirnberg,” I said.

Paavali puffed out his cheeks and let out a long breath. “Von Stirnberg does owe us money – some five million Bezans worth. We refused to lend him more until he had made significant progress towards repayment. That progress has been… slow.”

Some quick mental arithmetic told me the debt Gunther owed the Aurifex Group was between two and a half and three million marks. A hefty sum, even for a Herzog. That wasn’t even counting his other creditors.

“So, are you willing to sell?” I asked.

* * *

My conversations with Gunther’s creditors went much the same way as they had with Grigoris. It was a risk, even buying the debt for mere pfennigs per mark. But he owed some four million, one hundred and thirty thousand marks. If I could get him to repay even a quarter of that, I’d have made a significant profit. If all else failed, I still had recourse to the Court of Electors. Bringing an Elector to court was not an appealing proposition. I spent the morning of my appointment to see him in the conservatory. There was a side room with a locked door in which I kept the most deadly plants in the collection. Before entering the chamber, I donned heavy gloves, a leather smock, and a breath mask. These were necessary when approaching the five Black Lotus sprouts along the southern window. Their pollen had a narcotic effect, and every piece of the plant was exceedingly toxic. But it preferred marshy soil rich in animal compost. So, to keep them alive, I had to don protective gear and bring new fertilizer into the isolation chamber. My bath after emerging was not for the sake of leisure.

My plants fed and watered, my skin washed free of potential contaminants, I returned to the conservatory. I was crushing lily leaves in a mortar when Annika wandered in. I refrained from sighing, and simply kept working.

“Why don’t you have more chairs in here?” she asked, casting her gaze around.

“Because I’m not growing these plants for leisure viewing.”

“Yeah, you’re ruining them,” she said, frowning.

“You didn’t come up here to complain about the chairs.”

“The flowers cheer me up, except when you’re crushing them.”

“Why do you need cheering up?” I asked.

“Because Prince Gustaf is boring!”

“Oh?”

“He only talked foreign politics. What do I care about Valayan unrest or a war between Vartenthral and Atlor?”

“Because it makes a mess in the Servile Sea, and causes a lot of problems for the Volkmund? Gustaf is next in line to be Herzog von Altschaft, and his grandfather is over seventy. He might even be over eighty. He has to think about such things.”

“But what makes him think I care?” Annika asked.

“Maybe he thought you were smart?”

My sister glared at me, and I just grinned.

“You’re supposed to be on my side. Where’s the poetry? Where’s the music? Where’s the eloquence?”

“I can’t write poetry either,” I said.

“But you’re just my brother. Besides, you can grow flowers.” She gestured around us. Her face scrunched up. “But then you go and ruin them.”

“I need to extract the toxic compounds to test antidotes and preventatives.”

“Whatever,” Annika sighed.

“So, you don’t like Gustaf,” I said.

“No,” she said. The shake of her head sent golden locks tumbling. “And don’t go telling me how he’s a great match politically or economically.”

“I won’t,” I said, “Or you’ll be telling me how Fraulein so and so comes with large tracts of land and an influential family.”

“That reminds me, why aren’t you wooing any of the ladies at court? There are even a few who are taken with you. Though the gods only know why.”

“You see, if I pursued a court lady, I might end up with a wife who enjoys going to court events. This would be a distinctly negative outcome.”

Annika laughed.

“I’m serious. The expense, the bother, and the backstabbing isn’t worth what meager gains are to be had by going there.”

Annika waved dismissively. “You just need to get into the spirit of it.”

* * *

I rode to the Herzog’s house in the city. I would have walked, but the neighborhoods in between were lousy with footpads and pickpockets. So I stayed inside the carriage where it was harder for them to assail me. The house was an old building, predating the Imperial Palace, but it had been renovated in the last century. A rectangular building of gray stone set amongst a topiary garden, it was not that impressive as town houses went. A footman escorted me onto the grounds, but rather than into the house, he led me to the back garden. There, I found myself on a paved terrace overlooking a flower garden. The flowers were in bloom, providing fields of decorative color and scenting the breeze as it blew over the terrace. Several chairs had been set out, of which two were occupied.

Gunther Zweitzer was a plump, jowly man with gray hair plastered to his scalp. From his ruddy cheeks and nose, you might expect him to be of sanguine disposition. But his cold eyes carried none of the cheer his features implied. Relaxing casually on his terrace, he was in shirtsleeves and waistcoat, with none of the overwrought courtly dress he’d been stuffed in other times we’d met in person. It was probably a more prudent attire, as the sun was already making my tailcoat uncomfortably warm. Standing behind Gunther was the red-haired agent, Rudolf, who typically came to my office.

The occupant of the other chair was a girl substantially younger than von Stirnberg. She was just as plump, with a small, slightly upturned nose, and eyes that were just a little unfocused. Great care had been put into styling her dark hair, and jeweled pins held it in place. Her saffron dress was well-made, but did little for the fact that she was probably as heavy as the Herzog, despite being shorter. After a moment, my brain dredged up her name. She was Emilie Zweitzer, Gunther’s daughter. A pace or so behind and to the side of Emilie’s chair stood a mahogany-haired waif. While also in saffron, the cut of her dress was simpler to distinguish her position in the household. I could only conclude that this was the Gertrude that Walther was enamored of. Her features were ordinary, but she had a kindly aspect, and the air of being both approachable and attainable.

Gunther’s gaze fell on the leather folio tucked under my left arm. A sour expression crossed his lips. After a moment of rumination, he looked up at me.

“What is it?”

“I’m afraid it’s a venal matter of money,” I said. “I’m not sure how many people you want listening in.”

“Couldn’t it have waited until Rudolf came to you?” Gunther asked.

“I’m afraid this matter is of a nature that requires your personal attention.”

“Emilie, go inside.”

“But-”

“Go!”

With a ‘hmph’, Emilie turned up her nose, but forced herself out of the chair. She dragged Gertrude into the house. A moment later, their faces appeared behind one of the windows, watching us. Gunther grumpily looked over his shoulder.

“Rudolf, close the door.”

Quietly, the red-haired young man complied.

“All right, what do you want?”

“I have to inform you that I have acquired your debts from the Aurifex Group, the Freinmarkt Mercer’s Guild, Lothar Smit, and Gervais Laurent.” I extracted the papers from the folio and presented them to Gunther. They were copies of the contracts by which the moneylenders in question had signed over the debts to me. I failed to notice that his face was beginning to flush as he reluctantly took the sheets from me.

“What?”

“I wanted to discuss the issue of repayment. What I was-”

“Get. Out.” Gunther’s face had flushed a bright red.

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Was I not clear?” Zweitzer threw the papers at my face. “Get out, you gold-grubbing son of a bastard!” Profanity began spilling in amongst his insults and beratement as his shouts chased me from the terrace. My driver was confused by the shouting and my swift return to the carriage.

We left promptly.

* * *

The dining hall had not originally been intended as such. It did, however, have decent sunlight in the evening. With the green and silver wallpaper, and the dark cherrywood furniture, it needed the illumination. On deciding to rent out the lower floors, I hadn’t spent much time or money on decorating the upstairs, so the walls and fireplace had simple, clean lines. There was no ornate plasterwork, no gilding, and no murals. The only art was the pendulum clock sitting on the mantle, ticking away the seconds. Its frame was held up by two bronze statuettes. The table runner, porcelain, and silverware were all overdone, clashing with the simplicity of the rest of the space. I was displeased with the place settings, Annika was likely displeased with the architecture.

I angrily speared my food with my fork, my mind churning through the day’s events.

“What do you think of Kobus Spitz?” Annika asked.

“Never heard of it.”

“Him. Kobus is a man.”

“Never heard of him,” I said.

“He’s one of the Emperor’s Bodyguard.”

“Oh. They’re usually landless younger sons or knights-errant given the post because they’re politically safe and can look the part. So I’d wager he’s pretty, but doesn’t have a pfennig to his name.”

“Oh, so you have met him,” Annika laughed.

“So why do you bring this knight up?”

“Because he was really sweet and charming, and…”

“And?”

“And I don’t think I can be poor.”

“I don’t think he’s actually poor.”

“You know what I mean,” Annika said. She held up her fork, silver gleaming in a sliver of sunlight. “I don’t know how much this costs, and I never have had to worry about it.”

“I’m sure you would have silverware.”

She scowled melodramatically for my benefit. “I know you know what I mean.”

“You like the fancy things you have been accustomed to. And you worry that you would have to cut back if you got too involved with Spitz. I get it.”

“I like Kobus, but… not that much.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“That’s not very helpful!”

“Oh, now I’m supposed to help your romantic escapades? I thought I was here to make sure your reputation remained unsullied.”

Annika made an indignant noise.

“Well, what is it?”

“You’re supposed to advocate one so I know who not to pick!”

“Annika, I don’t think you should make a decision based upon whatever is contrary to my opinion. There are things you don’t like about Gustaf. There are things you don’t like about Kobus. Either decide where your priorities lay, or keep looking.”

“I wish I could find that singer.”

“What singer?”

“Oh that’s right, you weren’t with me.”

“Well, who are you talking about?”

“We were at the palace, and I had gotten tired of dancing. Instead of looking for your miserable self, I went walking the halls. Then I got lost. That place is a labyrinth.”

“Good reason not to wander off.”

Annika made a dismissive gesture. “I heard music, so I figured I must have gotten close to the ballroom again. But when I went towards it, I ended up in the gardens. Someone was out among the hedges, playing a stringed instrument and singing the most beautiful melody.”

“A ‘stringed instrument’?” I asked, sarcastically.

“Like I can tell one from another! It’s not like I saw the thing. I couldn’t find him before he realized he wasn’t alone and ran off. Now I want to find him. I’m sure he’d be better than Gustaf or Kobus.”

“How do you know it wasn’t just some valet or boot boy?”

“I just know, all right.”

I shook my head and returned to my dinner.

* * *

Continued in Part 3

About The Author

UnCivilServant

UnCivilServant

A premature curmudgeon and IT drone at a government agency with a well known dislike of many things popular among the Commentariat. Also fails at shilling Books

194 Comments

  1. UnCivilServant

    *twiddles thumbs, looks around*

    • Jarflax

      (((Dwarves))) and Germans doing business, where will it end?

      • UnCivilServant

        Actually, Dwarfs in this setting are more like Byzantines albeit still showing many of the classical elements associated with the species.

      • Not Adahn

        Jarflax v. UnCiv — the battle of the plural of “Dwarf!”

      • UnCivilServant

        Both are equally valid.

      • AlexinCT
  2. invisible finger

    Why are these published mid-morning? Are they trying to kill the links threads?

    • UnCivilServant

      The article posting times are 8am eastern, noon eastern, 4pm eastern, and 8pm eastern, only translated to central time.

  3. Not Adahn

    Annika is trouble.

    • UnCivilServant

      Oh? How so, and what makes you say that?

      • Not Adahn

        “Like I can tell one from another! It’s not like I saw the thing. I couldn’t find him before he realized he wasn’t alone and ran off. Now I want to find him. I’m sure he’d be better than Gustaf or Kobus.”

        “How do you know it wasn’t just some valet or boot boy?”

        “I just know, all right.”

        “You like the fancy things you have been accustomed to. And you worry that you would have to cut back if you got too involved with Spitz. I get it.”

        “I like Kobus, but… not that much.”

        had gotten tired of dancing. Instead of looking for your miserable self, I went walking the halls. Then I got lost.

        Based on the reactions of Gustav last episode, she’s attractive. And used to getting her way. And seems quite interested in making herself happy. And easily bored. A quick courtship/engagement would wind up being disastrous for her husband.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, yes, all of those are accurate assessments of her character.

      • Not Adahn

        Oh, and she’s far too fond of status games.

      • UnCivilServant

        An unmarried young noblewoman from a prominant family? No, I’d never believe that.

      • Not Adahn

        Trouble.

      • Tundra

        Big time.

      • WTF

        But she probably comes with a hefty dowry…

      • Rhywun

        With a capital T.

      • Mojeaux

        The thing about young ladies of status is that a) their only purpose in life is to marry well and b) they have nothing to do but scheme to do so.

        Maybe they have their requisite watercolor paintings or embroidery to tend to, or to their pianoforte lessons, but other than that, they aren’t allowed to do much of anything.

        Furthermore, if she’s eyeballing a guard, she’s not doing her duty, and I would expect Kord to take her to task for eyeballing a guard. It sounds like she wants to go slumming, and he shouldn’t allow that at all.

        So she’s only trouble if she is a) extremely headstrong or b) unwilling to do her familial duty.

        Un-headstrong and dutiful young women are boring.

      • WTF

        And that rhymes with “P” and that stands for…

      • WTF

        Yeah, historically young ladies of status were expected to be marriage currency to be used to improve their family’s position.

      • UnCivilServant

        Mojeaux, after the story wraps up, I’d be interested in hearing where you think Annika’s story goes from there. (Since this story is about Kord, her situation is not definitively resolved)

      • Mojeaux

        The bit about the unknown voice really piques my interest, as in, I am wondering how you’re going to make that trope (WHICH I LIKE, SO DON’T TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY) unique. I want to get to that part. I’m not going to give you suggestions about what you SHOULD do or what I WANT you to do because I want to go on the ride the author takes me.

        I am not buttering you up with how interesting I find the financial stuff, though.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m not sure my take is unique in this case.

  4. Not Adahn

    a small, slightly upturned nose, and eyes that were just a little unfocused.

    Greta has a sister?

    • WTF

      A fat one.
      “How dare you!”

  5. Urthona

    Pretty sure the guy in the garden was Zakk Wylde on a Dean Razorback plugged into a Marshall stack.

    • UnCivilServant

      … I don’t even know what that means.

    • Not Adahn

      and tried for high to medium treason.

      lol.

    • Fatty Bolger

      “I immediately will initiate Order 66”

      lol

  6. Tundra

    I’m curious why Kord approached his collection effort the way he did. No muscle, no nothing. You have to put the fear of God into a belligerent deadbeat.

    Nice work, UCS.

    • UnCivilServant

      He was going with a “Lets make a deal” approach. Since he paid Pfennigs on the Mark, he was going to try to negotiate a settlement that would have been a profit to him, and less than what Gunther owed. At some point in the story it will come up in dialog.

  7. Gender Traitor

    Yeah, chicks have always been suckers for ‘stringed instrument’ players.

    I’m wondering if our hero is up to anything other than making a good return by acquiring these debts. I’ll go back & reread Part 1 for a refresher.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’d be interested to hear any speculation. It’s always interesting to see what’s going through reader’s minds regarding the plot as they go along.

      • Sean

        I thought the conversation about Kord’s lovelife was a setup towards something with Gunther’s daughter.

      • UnCivilServant

        I want to acknowledge your observation without making a remark that spoils its accruacy or inaccruacy with regards to future developments.

      • robc

        I assumed that the daughter was going to be offered in exchange for a reduction in the debt.

      • Mojeaux

        Gunther’s daughter has nothing of value: she’s plump and her father’s up to his eyeballs in debt so he can’t pay a dowry and if she happens to be lucky enough to get married and marries into money, her father’s going to be a money pit no man wants to take on.

        The only thing of value she has is a womb, and a nobleman can get a noble womb anywhere that WILL come with a dowry and a well-off or at least powerful father-in-law.

      • robc

        I dont remember the relative nobleness, nor no the rules of succession, but if Gunther doesn’t have a son and is of higher rank, and if the daughters son would inherit the position, that could have value. How much is it worth to have your son move up a rank or three in the noble order?

      • UnCivilServant

        Gunther has one child – Emilie.

        He is am Imperial elector, and in the uppermost rungs of the Nobility ladder – just independant Kings and Emperors would rate higher.

        The cause of his money troubles is unrevealed.

      • robc

        Would Emilie or Emilie’s son inherit his position as elector?

      • robc

        And assuming yes, how much would Kord care about his future descendants being elector?

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t know. It could be a circumstance where she inherits, but the Husband exercises the post jure uxoris.

      • UnCivilServant

        As for Kord, he’s not much focused on family futures. He’s more prone to wandering and adventuring.

      • robc

        If you are going to write a mystery, you gotta give us the clues to solve it.

      • UnCivilServant

        I didn’t regard it as a mystery when I wrote it.

        I do know how the situation plays out, but that’s because I’ve read to the end.

      • UnCivilServant

        Having ruminated on the canonical evidence, the situation appears to be thus – Gunther’s heir needs to be recognized by the Court of Electors, so in a case of disputed succession, such as would arise from this, absent a statment by Gunther, or even in spite of it, they could pick between Emilie/her husband or Emilie’s cousin (Gunther’s Nephew) depending on political concerns.

  8. Not Adahn

    I wonder if I have the gain turned up too high on my wokeness detector. I started getting angry at this ad email:

    Love Science? You’ll Love Saving on Liquid Handling Products

    • UnCivilServant

      Yeah, a bit. Especially if it’s just one email.

    • R C Dean

      Liquid Handling Products

      Condoms?

  9. Charles Easterly

    I enjoyed reading this part of your story, UnCivil, and intend to read the previous one.

    Having read several of your posts here and elsewhere I am slightly surprised that you have such creative inclinations and such an ability to express them. I encourage you to continue.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m unlikely to stop. I’m already trying to sell five books…

      *glances at heap of half-finished novels*

      • Sean

        Still looking forward to the sequel(s) to Beyond the Edge of the Map.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m getting there…

    • UnCivilServant

      Thank you for the encouragement.

      Did you read “Ink and Infatuation”? It was also serialized on Glibs.

      • WTF

        I thought that world would make a cool Netflix series.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m not woke enough for them.

      • Charles Easterly

        “Thank you for the encouragement.

        Did you read “Ink and Infatuation”? It was also serialized on Glibs.”

        I do not frequent this (or any other) website very often. I recommend that you provide a link for any who may be interested in your “Ink and Infatuation” story/series.

      • UnCivilServant

        Since there’s a broken link in part 3, the easiest way to find it is the first three results from This search

      • Tundra

        Here.

        You can also just click on the author’s name on the masthead.

      • Charles Easterly

        I thank you both.

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, I forgot “Rite of Passage” is also a story in this setting (Ink and Infaturation is a different setting).

      • Mojeaux

        I’ve been feeling really sorry for myself the last six months. The six months before that I checked out and wrote a book, so I was only high on creative juices and having marginal feelings of guilt for not working.

        Anyway, I had to confront my woes at some point, broke, my brother stepped in, and then things got worse when I found out what’s going on with my son and they KEEP getting worse by the day. So yesterday I wrote a list: “What’s wrong with my life.” I have come to some equilibrium with my feelings about my son’s issues, though. Whether they’re right or not, I can’t say. I only know I’m trying to make it not hurt so much.

        Last week, I made his two favorite dishes, which I don’t do much because they are expensive dishes only because he can eat a whole stock pot full of beef stroganoff or my spaghetti not-marinara sauce in a day by himself.

        Moving along. What I generally do, besides write to-do lists (in orange), is write dun-did lists (in green). When I am trying to get myself sorted out, I very meticulously document how I spent my time.

        But then yesterday I baked my husband’s favorite pie for him for no good reason whatsoever. I have no idea why I did that. I was even willing to make the pie crust until I found two frozen ones and went ahead and used those.

        Then last night as I was reading the late-night threads I got to thinking about all the crap you guys are going through and I really really dissected those.

        This morning, I cleaned the kitchen because my daughter’s sick and couldn’t do it last night. Between going back and reading my dun-did lists, doing something nice for my husband, thinking about you guys, and cleaning my kitchen, today, I feel much better about things.

        Now you’ve given me a fun story and mexican sharpshooter’s got a nice dilemma.

        So…thanks. 🙂

      • Mojeaux

        Fuck a duck.

  10. Mojeaux

    I am intrigued by this story. I enjoy the little financial details. I wish it came out more often than once a week, though, because I don’t read stories piecemeal. I like to immerse myself.

    This one part…

    I failed to notice that his face was beginning to flush as he reluctantly took the sheets from me.

    How can you know something happened if you failed to notice it? Third-person omniscient doesn’t work in first person.

    That said, it’s an interesting story told well.

    /critique sandwich

    • UnCivilServant

      He realized it later.

      The overal framing device that these are from a book in-universe written by the narrator is sorta absent in the serialized form, so they get the hindsight bonuses along with faulty memories.

      • Mojeaux

        He realized it later.

        Nope.

        “I failed to realize until much later that…”

        or

        “On my way home, I realized that he had flushed…”

      • UnCivilServant

        How about “I failed to immediately notice that…”

      • Mojeaux

        That’s fine.

  11. Pope Jimbo

    Sorry to go OT, but this text exchange made me laugh.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Nice

  12. mexican sharpshooter

    Dear Glibby,

    Recently, I began spinning plates between multiple employers. I began an interview process midway through December between two potential companies. Suitor #1 got back with me quickly and I was able to use my present employer’s holiday hours to my advantage through the interview process. It had the effect of being able to blindside my current employer with an offer from a competing company to potentially squeeze a raise out of them–no dice. Suitor #1 had a quick timeline and was gracious enough to let me give 3 weeks notice rather than the customary 2. I start there next week. Now, Suitor #2 had a similar timetable but ran into a small issue when the hiring manager went to the ER. Incidentally, she called me the day of the in-person interview with Suitor #1 from the hospital. She even went so far as to shotgun the process along by scheduling the interviews herself rather than go through HR. Suitor #2 was exactly 3 days behind Suitor #1.

    Suitor #2 raised a freak flag during the in-person interview. While not Glib worthy, they are certainly a hoot and have a corresponding demented sense of humor to my own. When I was given the offer (by the actual hiring manager BTW), I explained the situation with an offer in hand with Suitor #1. They were able to match the offer and added in a couple perks that exceeded Suitor #1.

    So how do I let Suitor #1 down nicely? I am NOT going to simply not show up.

    • Sean

      The answer is obvious.

      Dick pics.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Well…yeah that’s a more universal solution than alcohol.

    • Mojeaux

      Inform them you died?

      What a delightful conundrum to have. Well done, sir!

    • Rebel Scum

      “It’s not you, it’s me.”

    • Mad Scientist

      Dear Suitor #1. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

    • Mojeaux

      Dear John…

      • banginglc1

        Hey! My ex wife gave me one of those!

    • R C Dean

      Have you accepted Suitor #1’s offer? Sounds like maybe you have. If so, in my mind you have a deal and it would be a (minor) dick move to back out now, IMO. But, that’s between you and your conscience.

      If not, then let them know you considered their offer and decided to go with a competing offer.

      • robc

        It is no different than leaving a job at any time. He is just doing it at -7 days instead of +500 days.

      • R C Dean

        I’ve never been in that position. I have been on the employer side, so that probably colors my gut reaction. Which was (and is) basically “If you are looking at another offer and need some time to figure out which one you want, tell me so, rather than accepting my offer without really meaning it, and screwing up my hiring process.”

      • R C Dean

        Keep in mind, I call the other candidates I have done face-to-face interviews with and tell them we won’t be hiring them and (very generally) why. I think this is the right thing to do, and if the person who has accepted the job backs out, it makes it much more difficult for me to just go to our second choice.

      • Jarflax

        Which reduces your chance to get hired. I don’t think you have a moral obligation to undercut your own negotiating position to make the other side’s life easier. Companies don’t tell candidates that they are involved in merger discussions that will potentially end up with the position being cut in 6 months. (looks at his brother who left a job he hated with Bank A to take one he loved with Bank B only to discover that Bank B was being acquired by Bank A 6 months later.)

      • R C Dean

        Which reduces your chance to get hired.

        If its a company with crap ethics that would withdraw an offer after you told them, maybe. The scenario I’m looking at is (1) the offer is made, (2) the employee is looking at a competing offer. To me, the right thing to do is tell Suitor #1 that you need a week or two to make up your mind (at a minimum), and maybe that there is another competitor in play. Simply accepting the first offer when you may or may not actually show up for work strikes me as sub-optimal.

        More context: I generally hire attorneys or management level people. For somebody who is more a line worker, I don’t think it would bother me, as, frankly, its not hard to find another one. For the people I hire, its not easy to find another one, especially when you have closed your hiring because they took the job.

        Companies don’t tell candidates that they are involved in merger discussions

        Because those are highly confidential until the deal is signed, may not happen, and may not have any impact on the new hire. Not a good analogy, I don’t think.

      • Jarflax

        Very minor. If the other offer is better, and the other place seems more congenial it would be perfectly reasonable to take it and tell Suitor 1 a better offer came along. I don’t think any employer has a right to assume you won’t ever leave, just as no employee has a right to assume they won’t be fired or laid off. And where you haven’t even started yet? I think all you owe them is honesty at that point.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Have you accepted Suitor #1’s offer?

        Yes. Suitor #1 is the one I spoke offline with you about. To be honest I took Suitor #2’s interview because Suitor #1 had not yet made a decision. Suitor #2 also told me I was up against an internal candidate, and I was not expecting an offer from them at all. Suitor #1 made their offer the following day.

        I plan to send them an email later today, and possible call the hiring manager directly to make it seem less dickish.

      • Madhatter

        I am a recruiter. I recently had a situation where I placed a candidate with a client. On his third day in the job, he received an offer for more money from a better company. He texted me and apologized profusely, but as I told him it was his future and his career and to do what was best for him and his family. Call the person who extended the offer and follow-up in writing. Congratulations.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Thank you.

      • invisible finger

        The first recruiter I worked with read me the riot act when I got an offer and turned it down almost immediately.

        The second recruiter I worked with I got three offers and turned all of them down (and another turned me down) and he was the nicest person I’ve ever worked with. He got me my present job (24 years ago).

      • Madhatter

        The other 2 recruiters in my firm resemble the first recruiter with whom you worked. I avoid them as much as possible.

    • Mad Scientist

      “Thank you for taking the time to interview with Mexican Sharpshooter. As you know, Mexican Sharpshooter interviewed a number of candidate companies. This letter is to let you know your company has not been selected for the position.”

    • invisible finger

      I’ve backed out of accepted offers before. OK, so I’m a dick.

      I at least called them and told them I made a rash decision and after discussing it with my s.o. and sleeping on it I don’t feel right at making the move at this time.

      Recently I heard that this is STANDARD PROCEDURE in India, at least in IT. The norm there is to give TWO MONTHS notice after accepting an offer – for the sole purpose of looking for a better offer. Our company has had three people back out of accepted offers in the last three months. When unemployment is low, employers get used to it.

  13. Rhywun

    large tracts of land

    ?

    • UnCivilServant

      Yes, that was intentional.

      • Tundra

        I chuckled.

      • Tundra

        It would be epically badass if the buyer actually drives it.

        Values are getting a little weird. Where’s this terrible economy I keep hearing about?

  14. PieInTheSky

    Money is so vulgar. Beneath all right thinking people.

    • UnCivilServant

      You’d get along with Gunther.

  15. PieInTheSky

    I like the story so far although both parts start off a bit to descriptive for my taste. I like beginnings more in media res

    • UnCivilServant

      There’s no res to be in media of. And it’s all one story, it just got chopped up.

      • PieInTheSky

        could have been chopped off differently. Mid dialogue for example.

      • UnCivilServant

        I used scene breaks. The same way I break a book into chapters.

      • PieInTheSky

        where is the fun in that?

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s easier for the reader to follow?

      • PieInTheSky

        best literature the reader don’t understand shit

    • Mojeaux

      Yeah, that’s another one of “dem rulez” I think are bullshit.

      You can’t always start in the middle of something because sometimes there is no middle of anything. Starting the story from the beginning cuts down on flashbacks and backstory exposition that venture into the “as you know, Bob” territory and irritate/disorient readers.

      Because flashbacks and expositing backstory is also again “dem rulez.”

      • PieInTheSky

        there are rules?

      • Caput Lupinum

        You could always attempt a Finnegans Wake and start in end and work your way back to beginning.

      • kinnath

        Momento

      • UnCivilServant

        That just leaves me wondering what sort of incarceration someone with anterograde amnesia gets when the authorities catch up to him.

      • Caput Lupinum

        They would go to prison, but one with expanded mental health capabilities. Same as any other inmate that has mental issues that make them an above average danger to themselves or others that require constant monitoring and treatment, but don’t fit the requirement for legal insanity. If the offense occurred in Pennsylvania, they would end up in the “care” of my father, specifically. Or they would if he wasn’t recently retired.

      • Fatty Bolger

        “as you know, Bob”

        One of the reasons I can’t watch most anime, even when my kids beg me to. Just can’t stand that.

      • UnCivilServant

        Reminding people things they already know is 1/3rd of my workday.

      • Mojeaux

        IRL, you almost never can say, “I told you this yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. What do you get paid for anyway?” Nor can you say it in a book. “Dear Reader, please go back and re-read X book very carefully before undertaking this one.”

        In books, it gets tricky when you have spots where you HAVE to explain something that happened in a previous book.

      • UnCivilServant

        With a direct sequel I have the challenge of reintroducing all of Dug’s crew in a way that doesn’t bore people who reads both books back to back, reminds people who waited between books, and doesn’t lose those who skipped the first book for whatever reason.

        It was interesting because they started out with a literal boatload of named characters.

      • Mojeaux

        I took the lazy way out for my pirate book and the re-edit of book 1 and just wrote a cast list and who they were.

        I have been told time and time again glossaries and cast lists in fiction are lazy writing.

        I saw it done in Tobsha Learner’s The Witch of Cologne and decided “Fuck it, I don’t care if it’s lazy. This book’s already 300,000 words long without having to work every fucking thing and every fucking body into the narrative.”

        One of my most beloved romance writers used footnotes, which I thought was awesome. I haven’t gone that far yet.

      • Rhywun

        I appreciate glossaries. But I read mostly “genre” fiction where there are a lot of them.

        Footnotes, not so much. Too distracting.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ve got footnotes in “Prince of the North Tower” because ostensibly, Dug is writing it, but it’s Prince Kord’s* story and he agreed not to put words in the Prince’s mouth.

        *The guy after whom Kord the narrator here is named.

      • Jarflax

        Terry Pratchett’s footnotes were gems.

      • Caput Lupinum

        They may say it is lazy, I say it is efficient and appreciated. I’ve read plenty of fantasy books that had large casts, plenty of unique structures, completely foreign geography, etc. Having a glossary that I can flip to if I need a quick refresher on a person, place, or thing that hasn’t been mentioned in a while is much more convenient than trying to find previous references or have clunky exposition every other page to keep the reader up to date.

      • robc

        The glossary at the back of Dune isn’t necessary, but was appreciated my first read.

      • kinnath

        Terry Pratchett’s footnotes were gems.

        I always looked forward to seeing the next footnote.

      • Gender Traitor

        Jodi Taylor begins each installment of her Chronicles of St. Mary’s series with a “Dramatis Thingummy,” and it’s as entertaining as the rest of the story.

      • Mojeaux

        They may say it is lazy, I say it is efficient and appreciated.

        Thank you. I think if at least some people find it valuable, then it should be included.

        For my pirate novel, I just started out with a cast list because it was in 1780 and the relationships amongst the heroine’s parents and stepparent(s) is convoluted, and never mind the hero’s situation with the line of succession (he’s the spare, but his father and older brother died and he’s stuck with being an earl) (it appears I have a lot of reluctant earls).

        I put in a map and marked every place mentioned, all of which are significant or I wouldn’t have mentioned them (e.g., Barbary Coast, Casco Bay Maine, St Eustatius).

        I put in a simple labeled diagram of a ship (which I considered the glossary).

        I put in a picture comparing the relative sizes of a third-rate man o’ war and a sixth-rate Swan class patrol sloop.

        And lastly, I put in a contemporary cross-section of a third-rate man o’ war. https://i.etsystatic.com/8746818/r/il/45ae39/967850060/il_1588xN.967850060_jl2m.jpg

      • Mojeaux

        My bad. That’s a first-rate. You can extrapolate.

      • Not Adahn

        So when His Majesty’s Navy builds a new, bigger type of ship, do all the other existing ones get bumped down a rating level? Or does the First Rate category get inhomogenous?

      • UnCivilServant

        Early first rates had as few as 60 guns, but by the mid-1660s they generally carried between 90 and 100 guns. By the early years of the 18th century, it had become accepted that 100 guns was the standard criterion for a first rate in wartime (while 90 guns, later 98 guns, became the standard wartime ordnance for a second rate). (In peacetime, all ships of the line carried a reduced complement of guns.) Towards the close of the century, ships were built with more than 100 guns, and they too were classed as first rates.

        They get bumped.

      • Jarflax

        The rules are all indirect attacks on common writing errors. They just harden into rules because teachers are unimaginative and unintelligent en masse and can’t cope with subtleties like “Your writing should be interesting and people tend to find lengthy authorial descriptions less interesting than facts disclosed within an engaging narrative” Beginning in medias res helps steer the writer toward showing character and scene rather than describing them, and it also allows for a wider choice of ‘hooks’ in the opening scene.

      • Mojeaux

        I don’t think teachers are unimaginative and unintelligent. I think they’re beat down, especially the Comp 101 classes and the like.

        MOST people are never going to get it, never mind the nuances. My 400-level creative writing teacher struggled with the other students all semester, trying to teach technically excellent writers how to tell a story. He was just happy to have one student (me) he didn’t need to worry about.

      • Unreconstructed

        Not being a writer, I could be off base, but I suspect the “rules” of writing are much like “rules” for any creative endeavor. Unless/until you understand the reason for the rule, and can articulate a good reason to violate it, you should probably stick to the rules.

      • Mojeaux

        True. I violate rules of grammar all the time (except run-on sentences), I can’t stand run-on sentences.

        But I tell people they have to KNOW the rule before they can effectively break the rule, and when the rule is broken, a more experienced reader can tell it was broken intentionally.

        Generally I do this for the rhythm of the sentences, especially dialogue, and ESPECIALLY dialect in dialogue.

      • Unreconstructed

        I always loved Mark Twain’s dialogue, because even though the spelling could be awful, I could hear the characters in my head.

      • Mojeaux

        Yes, that is always my goal, to make the reader hear the character the way I hear him/her.

        Speech is musical, the ups and downs and ins and outs and fasts and slows and softs and louds. I hear the music in my head and I hope to convey that to the reader.

  16. kinnath

    Thanks for the story.

    I don’t read them until I get back from lunch with my wife. So I am a bit late commenting.

    Definitely looking forward to reading more.

    • PieInTheSky

      I don’t read them until I get back from lunch with my wife. – gay

      • kinnath

        Not gay. Exceedingly cis.

      • Jarflax

        Be nice, Q and I already inadvertently insulted Mrs. kinnath the other day. (although he may have just been humble bragging about her being a wild and crazy ASU girl)

      • kinnath

        humble bragging about her being a wild and crazy ASU girl

        Not exactly.

        We were married with two kids in grade school. I had just completed my degree and gotten my first job as an engineer. She transferred into ASU as a junior.

        We didn’t run in any of the circles that overlapped with the wild and crazy girls that were so abundant there.

      • R C Dean

        We were married with two kids in grade school.

        Seems biologically unlikely.

      • kinnath

        Married at 19. Two kids by 21. I graduated at 28. She graduated at 30 (sit out a year to become a state resident, lost aaddition year because of the school transfer).

      • R C Dean

        I read it initially as meaning “In grade school, we were married with two kids”.

        Geez. If you have to explain a joke . . . .

      • kinnath

        If you have to explain a joke . . . .

        Agile planning day. The brain ceases to function normally.

      • Jarflax

        I’m sorry, are you saying you went to ASU for the education? Isn’t that a touch like reading Playboy Hustler for the articles?

      • kinnath

        I did not attend ASU. My wife did.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m not going to try to insist anyone read the moment it drops, or anything.

      And there are three more parts (same time slot for the next three weeks)

  17. Ozymandias

    I enjoyed it. Quite. And I confess I haven’t read anything else of yours, but I’ll go back and read Part 1, now. I also noticed the same “hiccup” that Mojo did: he can’t logically describe something that he “failed to notice” – unless there’s some kind of ‘time qualifier,’ I’ll call it.

    Otherwise, I like the choices in diction and phrasing. It’s fun and interesting. I was surprised by Kord’s move in going straight to the deadbeat Count, BUT it’s intriguing. It implies a lot about his position, the court, expectations, reputation, and how things like this are handled, etc.

    Thank you.

    • UnCivilServant

      Nitpick – Herzog is more of a Duke than a Count.

  18. R C Dean

    Well, the long knives are coming out.

    Former Ukrainian Prosecutor General Viktor Shokin has filed a complaint with Ukraine’s National Bureau of Investigation this week demanding an investigation be launched against Joe Biden, who successfully pressured the Ukrainian government to fire him and protect Burisma Holdings, the company his son Hunter sat on the board of, making $83,000/month, despite having no experience related to their business.

    Shokin cited as evidence the publicly available video of Joe Biden bragging about the quid pro quo which ultimately got him fired. In his complaint, Shokin elaborated on Biden’s efforts to have him removed.

    • Fatty Bolger

      I’m sure this “bombshell” accusation will be plastered all over CNN’s front page any minute now.

      • R C Dean

        Confident prediction:

        “This is just more foreign interference in our elections at the behest of OrangeManBad!”

  19. Ozymandias

    Okay, Now I’m OT (apologies, UCS) – and if it’s already been gone over in another thread – but I just saw an article about Roberts blocking Rand Paul from asking a question using Eric Ciaramella’s name – the alleged BLOWER of WHISTLES. Evidently Roberts would not read questions about the sainted whistleblower in the Senate impeachment trial.

    That’s fucking absurd. I mean, it is truly, legally, patently, fucking absurd to think that Roberts is attempting to block the name of a witness central to the entire impeachment circus.

    So I started thinking about all of the tinfoil hat stuff around the Dems owning Roberts and I gotta be honest, it really starts to seem more likely to me. And I see that Dems are pushing to give Roberts all kinds of new powers in an impeachment trial and I go – Oh, Fuck. Was this always their actual play? They own Roberts and this as their “insurance policy?”

    Because it is simply not possible for a sane jurist to think that he has the legal authority to block senators from asking about the central prosecuting witness of the entire Impeachment from being mentioned, or called. Nor the circumstances of his complaint being scrutinized. But if Dems can get Roberts to rule on an evidentiary “motion” and start acting like a trial judge and excluding evidence with rulings, then the Dems actually do control the whole fucking government.

    • R C Dean

      As I noted in the last thread, there is zero legal basis for not naming, calling, or questioning Ciamarella. This was pure partisan politics by Roberts. I hope the Repubs strip him of any power over witnessses or questions because of this.

      And it might have helped the Repubs keep their squishes in line on witnesses. If Roberts is going to pull a stunt like this over questions to the impeachment managers, why the hell would you trust him with actual witnesses?

      • Rebel Scum

        Senator Rand Paul✔
        @RandPaul

        My question is not about a “whistleblower” as I have no independent information on his identity. My question is about the actions of known Obama partisans within the NSC and House staff and how they are reported to have conspired before impeachment proceedings had even begun.

        All Paul did was invoke a name. He did not identify the person as the whistleblower.

        To the Manager Schiff and counsel for the President:

        Manager Schiff and Counsel for the President, are you aware that House Intelligence Committee staffer Shawn Misko had a close relationship with Eric Ciaramella when at the National Security Council together, and are you aware and how do you respond to reports that Ciaramella and Misko may have worked together to plot impeaching the President before there were formal House impeachment proceedings?”

        This whole thing is very bad.

    • Raston Bot

      Rand tweeted:

      My question is not about a “whistleblower” as I have no independent information on his identity. My question is about the actions of known Obama partisans within the NSC and House staff and how they are reported to have conspired before impeachment proceedings had even begun.

      My exact question was:

      Are you aware that House intelligence committee staffer Shawn Misko had a close relationship with Eric Ciaramella while at the National Security Council together and are you aware and how do you respond to reports that Ciaramella and Misko may have worked together to plot impeaching the President before there were formal house impeachment proceedings?

      • Gender Traitor

        Rand for Veep!

      • Tundra

        No way. Leave him right where he is.

    • Tundra

      Roberts is the one who should be facing impeachment.

      • Shirley Knott

        Yup.

      • Jarflax

        He should have been impeached after the Obamacare decision.

      • invisible finger

        This is the kind of thing where I prefer the Clinton method.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Stick a cigar up Roberts’ dress and make him suck your dick? Ok…

      • Not Adahn

        Ejaculate on his robe?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Misdirect the media by bombing Iraq?

    • OneOut

      The Dems do own Roberts through Obama’s people using FISA to investigate 100s of people.

      theamericanteport.com

  20. Spudalicious

    Needs moar Bishops. (Inside joke)

    • Unreconstructed

      For beating?

      • Spudalicious

        I’ll see if OMWC is willing to tell the story. It involves a convention of little people, a Bishops council, and two unsuspecting stoned guys walking into the lobby full of both groups.

      • UnCivilServant

        How many people were in the venn diagram overlap area?

      • Spudalicious

        We were a little too overwhelmed at that point to determine that. It was a matter of survival to get to our rooms.

      • Unreconstructed

        So now “overwhelmed” is a euphemism for stoned? I can’t keep up!

  21. R C Dean

    UnCiv: just so you know (as I am sure you were worried about it), I plan to read straight through after the last installment drops.

    • UnCivilServant

      I think that’s the 20th of Feb.

      • R C Dean

        *marks calendar*

      • robc

        Speaking of calendars, it looks like I will be in Tucson Feb 17-19. I don’t know if I have any free evening yet, but I am sure I can make one.

        Sorry to the Philly people, I was rushing about in NJ so couldn’t get back over.

      • R C Dean

        Keep me posted. My 02/18 is effed already. Is lunch an option?

      • robc

        Possibly, I have no idea where the office I am going to be at is. I should look that up.

      • robc

        It looks like it is in the area labeled “DOWNTOWN” by google maps.

      • R C Dean

        TPTB can give you my email so we can arrange our little tryst in private (the gods of scheduling permitting).

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        The last time I arranged a little tryst in private, I got a kid out of it.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, buying orphans off of traffickers doesn’t happen in public.

      • Not Adahn

        Why else would you go to Jesse’s Orphanarium?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Dick pics?

    • banginglc1

      That’s mostly what I’m doing with ozy’s series. I want to read it, but i read better in binged. So I’m saving it to read like a book in one or two days.

  22. Brochettaward

    Nerds.

  23. Fourscore

    With all the hoopla about the Asian virus that has the entire globe in a frenzy I checked plain, every day, ol’ fashioned flu. Quite frankly I was not surprised at what I found.

    “So far, 8,200 people have died and 140,000 people have been hospitalized during the 2019-2020 flu season, according to preliminary estimates from the CDC.”

    These are US figures, of course. The article goes on to say the shot doesn’t seem to be of any benefit but get it anyway.

  24. DEG

    I like this. I look forward to the next installments.