Self-Publishing: My Heroic Story

by | Jan 24, 2020 | Books, LifeSkills, Literature, Pastimes | 264 comments

Not to step on Mojeaux’s toes or anything vis-a-vis her recent articles on writing and publishing/getting published, but I thought I would add my two cents as a self-published author who has gone the route of what is popularly known as Print On Demand. I figure that our subjects don’t quite overlap, and some people might find it interesting to have a look at some of the numbers involved in this sort of thing.

First of all, let’s be clear on what Print On Demand actually means. Basically you, the author, are sending your books to be printed by someone else using what are basically high-quality laser jet printing machines, and professionally bound so that they have nice straight edges and smooth, straight spines, just like any softcover books you might see in a bookstore. (I admit that I’ve only ever done books that are ‘perfect bound’ softcovers of this type, although other options are apparently available.)

Mind you, the printer people do not have an editorial section, although one’s books are initially inspected to see that they don’t contain ‘hate speech’ or other ostensibly offensive material that the printers are afraid would get them sued or at least shunned at cocktail parties. This means that YOU the author have to completely construct your book’s interiors, including all design elements, proper spelling and punctuation, the legal matter at the front, etc. You also have to design and create your own cover. Mind you, it is possible to pay others to perform some of these services, but pride and poverty motivate many of us to attempt it ourselves, for better or worse.

Your book can be completely black-and-white in its interiors, or you can go with color, which is a bit more expensive. Since your book will be delivered to the printer as a .pdf and printed directly from such, it doesn’t matter whether your pages are all text, half images, or full images – the price will be the same to reproduce them. The only difference, again, will be whether they are black-and-white or color. If you try to create a mix with ‘some’ color, it will count as all color, and will be priced appropriately. Again, these are being reproduced with high-quality laser printers, not offset-print by an old-fashioned machine.

The ‘On Demand’ part is the beauty of the thing. Once you pay the fee to have your interior file (the book itself) and exterior file (the wraparound cover image) scanned, you can then order as many copies as you want. Literally as many – you can order ONE copy if you wish, or one thousand. Naturally, you will get a discount on larger orders, but the discount won’t be as great as you might think, because each copy will still have to be run off of the same machine.

Still, this presents to the lone, impoverished author an opportunity afforded very few persons throughout history. That is, she can order a small handful of copies of her book – a few to give out to friends, one for herself, and a few set aside for possible sales through Amazon, Ebay, or other outlets. Gone is the need to pay up front for a huge print run, then warehousing the (usually) thousands of copies offset-printed, packaging them up for retail orders, etc. She sells not to stores per se, but to individual readers.

What if a bookstore wants to carry her work? Well, that’s not really a problem… assuming she has prefigured such interest, and priced her books in such a way that she can offer wholesale accounts a decent percentage off cover price.

Therein lies the primary problem of Print On Demand: the pricing of individual copies. Since – as stated earlier – an author can order as few as one copy of her book at a time, individual prices are unfortunately somewhat high. Mind you, this isn’t a retail price, nor a wholesale price; this is what the author herself must pay if she wants even a single copy of her book.

Let’s look at some real-world numbers.

My least expensive book (going by what it costs ME), let’s call Book 1. It’s a softcover, black-and-white interior, 236 pages, 6×9” in length and width. If I want to order individual copies of this book, they cost me $4.67 each. Book 3 is 7×10”, 266 pages, black-and-white interior; copies cost me $6.80 each. Book 4 is 230 pages, 8×10”, but with color interior. Copies of this cost me $10.31 each.

My cover price on each of these is $24.95 – that is, full retail. If I want to offer these to a bookstore at a discount of cover price (usually 40-50% standard), for Books 1, 2 (not mentioned, similar to 1), and 3 are fine – I can still make a decent amount. But Book 4 presents a different situation in that, if I offer a retailer 40% off, I’m selling them to him for $15 each; or, at 50%, he gets them for $12.50 each. At $10.31 a pop, my price, that cuts things a bit close, especially considering other expenses (which I’ll mention in a moment).

I have 4 other books, let’s call them Books 5 thru 8, which are around 200 pages, color interior, 8.5×11”. They’re lovely, and I price these at $29.95 each. Unfortunately, these, too, present a pricing problem, as they cost ME between $11.81 and $12.14 each. I can’t very well offer anyone 50% off cover price and still make anything. (As with lawyers and casinos, it’s the printers who make the best money in this game.)

It’s the color interiors that bring up the printing costs; but, given that many of my books are graphics-oriented, that’s the only way to go with them. So, what options for profit are there?

Of course, one can always attempt to sell the book oneself. Our entrepreneurial authoress is undeterred; she puts her books on Amazon and on Ebay, and even creates her own website to sell copies directly. (Electronic books being another matter entirely.)

Even these approaches have costs, which I will now list.

1. Both Ebay and Amazon take a cut. Ebay’s only 10%; but they also get the small Paypal fee which accompanies such transactions – let’s round that fee to $1.00 for ease of math. Amazon takes what I figure around 27%, although that might have changed (i.e., gone up) since I last checked. The upside with Amazon is that they transfer one’s income directly into a bank account, bypassing Paypal, so no fee there.

2. I learned long ago that it’s great to have a nice little package to ship books in, so I order some folding mailers from Uline. They come out to about $.50 each, which is a little pricey, but to me worth it in that I don’t have to scrounge around for cardboard; buyers receive their books in a nice, tight package, clean and new.

3. Media mail shipping is (at this time) $3.27 to ship a regular-sized book within the continental U.S. I always offer free shipping, so that comes out of my take – with the exception of Amazon, who charges purchasers for shipping and reimburses the seller.

There are a few other incidental costs, such as buying ISBN numbers, which are something like $125 each, or 10 for $295 – ridiculous, but necessary unless you want your books to look unprofessional and never, ever be sold by any respectable outlet. There’s spoilage, i.e. the printer sends you your books and two or three of them are damaged in shipment. In addition to the per-book cost of printing, you also have to pay to get the books shipped to you, plus any other nominal fees the printer might tack on. Oh, and taxes on your book income, which I’m sure you’ll reporBAAHAHAHA. Sorry.

OK, I’m exhausted after writing this. I hope the reader has learned something. I should be around the day it’s published, so I can chime in with my usual snarky but brilliant witticisms or to answer any questions you might have. If you’ve stuck around this long – God help you!

About The Author

wchipperdove

wchipperdove

Southern, but not a gentleman. Obsessed with vintage pop culture.

264 Comments

  1. UnCivilServant

    I found that publishing through Amazon, my author copy per unit prices to be lower, and they’ll issue an ISBN free of charge.

    This does, however, change the set of options and the equation for other venue sales.

  2. Mojeaux

    Awesome, and with everything and more that I would’ve said. Now I don’t have to write that post!

    1) Linky to your books please. I am shocked you have not told me this. Or else you did and I wasn’t paying attention, in which case, I should be spanked.

    2) Mass market paperback is available from China and it’s dirt cheap too–IF you want to store a pallet of books in your basement. You can’t mix and match titles or I’d do that because I could stand a pallet full of copies of EACH of my books, but not just ONE of my books.

    3) I’ve done hardback, too. They are exponentially more expensive.

    Anyway, GREAT post. I mean that and thank you.

    • UnCivilServant

      #2 makes me feel like I’ve resorted to a vanity press. Plus, If I’m not moving as many units as I expect, I don’t have a constant reminder of it sitting around.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, no. Not a vanity press. They don’t do anything but print it and ship it. Find printing vendors on Alibaba. Get a quote, email the files, voila, books in your basement.

        Plus, If I’m not moving as many units as I expect, I don’t have a constant reminder of it sitting around.

        Yes, that. But I would also use them as convention giveaways. My doorstopper is only marginally more expensive than good swag.

      • UnCivilServant

        After the squeeing last night I had the idle thought of “What would it look like if Mojeaux took up Annika’s plot thread from where it leaves off at the end of the story?”

        That thought bounced off the question of interest, and then careened into concerns over time investment and avoiding arguments over rights, because for whatever reason the first thought was that it would turn into a doorstopper, and I really needed to put the brakes on that train of thought, but it was late, and I should already have been asleep.

      • Fatty Bolger

        What’s the cost per book for mass market?

      • wchipperdove

        I can’t remember. It depends on how many are printed, the size, etc. I’m sure it’s under $1.00 each? Mojeaux might have a better idea.

      • Mojeaux

        Well, my first one turned out to be something like 800 pages in MMP. I even copied the type and size and line height of a Michener novel. I think it was around $2.25 each with freight.

      • UnCivilServant

        One soul plus all your IP.

        It is China.

    • wchipperdove

      1. – Not all my books are online right now. I may link to some of my books on Amazon, I don’t know. I don’t have a central ‘author’s page’. All my books are non-fiction, usually on the subject of vintage collectibles of one type or another. So I’m not sure they would actually be of interest to most Glibs.

      1b. – We can take up the topic of spanking later.

      2. I actually offset-published one of my books – I think I paid about $4,000 for 2,000 copies. They came on a pallet to my house. Evan at $2 apiece, you can make some nice change if you sell most of your copies. (Which I didn’t. Long story.)

      3. Hardback would be interesting, I’d like to hear about that sometime.

      Thanks for your interest!

      • Agent Cooper

        vintage collectibles of one type or another. So I’m not sure they would actually be of interest to most Glibs.

        DO YOU EVEN KNOW US?

    • Bobarian LMD

      1a.) But first the spankings?

      • Mojeaux

        I’ll inform Mr. Mojeaux of this task.

  3. Tundra

    Thanks, wcd! Some really good information there.

    Those margins sure are tight, though!

    May I assume that your books are also available for Kindle?

    • wchipperdove

      A few are. The image-based ones aren’t, because Amazon charges ‘delivery’ for so much bandwidth. An image-heavy book creates too big a file size, so the margins are whittled down to nearly nothing.

    • Gender Traitor

      ::think to self, “Books…tight margins…” & giggles::

      • wchipperdove

        Oh, you.

  4. RAHeinlein

    Thanks for the detailed information! I appreciate all the efforts and pieces from the Glib authors – an interesting glimpse into a world I know nothing about!

    • wchipperdove

      Thanks!

      btw – I was a HUGE Heinlein nut for a while years ago. I think I’ve read every piece of fiction he ever published, plus a few things that came out after his death.

  5. Mojeaux

    A note: It is THRILLING and WONDERFUL that there are so many authors on this site. Not-lefty/proggy artists are a dime a dozen, but anyone outside of that? They are rare and special. As a percentage, it seems Glibs are overwhelmingly artistic and very good at their chosen avocation, too. I am so happy to be a part of this community.

    • UnCivilServant

      If I may speculate. I think a belief in earning through merit and personal responsibility leads us to evaluate weaknesses in our work product and skillsets and strive to improve. For the woke crowd, there is al alternative which is to complain and blame others when the output is not up to expectations. If you’re the one responsible (and take responsibility) for what you create, you make it better.

      • Mojeaux

        That is very true.

        And I should not have said just “authors” but “artists”. I was actually thinking about McGinty’s woodworking and Straff’s self-directed art course. Tulip dove into that wholeheartedly, even going so far as to use watercolors and her lady lazing in an innertube was excellent.

      • UnCivilServant

        My musings were written so that it could even include the craft brewers and other artisans.

      • UnCivilServant

        Rereading that the second statement can come off more smugly than intended.

        I meant to be agreeing.

      • Mojeaux

        I understood. There is so much talent here. The gunsmiths and the brewers, too. It’d be nice to have a poll of avocations, the way we did occupations.

      • Nephilium

        Blessed are the Cheese makers…

      • UnCivilServant

        Chee…

        Dammit I’m out of cheese again. *sigh* I have to go shopping.

      • Jarflax

        Piss your neighbors off, a LOT. Start making cheese at home.

    • wchipperdove

      I think we’re outnumbered by the lawyers….

      • Shirley Knott

        Everybody is, dear.

      • Jarflax

        Pff, like we could get along well enough to present a unified front. There would be puns and narrowed gazes at 10 paces come the first dawn.

      • Sensei

        You will note I’ve not see mention of too many whose primary practice is litigation.

      • Jarflax

        I think Chafed and Ozy are the trial contingent of our ‘firm’.

      • Sensei

        True enough. Although I believe Chafed also does a estate work.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Other areas I think Glibs are over represented: IT/tech fields, veterans, travel and particularly international travel, overseas work experience outside of military service, speaking additional languages, married to spouse who doesn’t share the same citizenship/birth country/culture/race/ethnicity, diverse musical tastes. I’m sure there are more besides the obvious fuck off slaver attitude.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Obviously I’m not the lawyer to rely on for reading comprehension.

        *mutters and shakes head*

  6. Lackadaisical

    “(As with lawyers and casinos, it’s the printers who make the best money in this game.)”

    My father thanks you. Though, his previous place of employment went out of business, so you may be overestimating the profits.

  7. Mojeaux

    Oh, one thing I would add is that if you print through Lightning Source (you are not limited to one POD provider–I use Lightning Source, Amazon, and Lulu), you can have your books available to be printed on demand anyplace that has one of these, an Espresso machine. That’s the one at my library. It will print and bind it all in one machine. I’ve been an advocate for these since forever (where “forever”=9 years).

    • wchipperdove

      I’m in small-town Tennessee, so I doubt there’s one of those anywhere near me. (sigh) Someday….

  8. Fourscore

    I know this is repetitive but I am constantly amazed at the diversity, talent and artistry of the Glibs. I feel fortunate indeed to have been blessed with all of you. I have to run hard just to try to keep up. Its like having big brothers/sisters when we’re little.

    • UnCivilServant

      Well, there’s more of us than there are of you, so trying to keep up with everything we’re doing will be difficult.

    • wchipperdove

      I’m biased, but I tend to think better of all of us simply because we’re freedom-fixated. Naturally, most of the people we love, along with many very smart and talented people, don’t think like we do. OK, I forgot where I was going with this, it’s time for my nap.

    • Hyperion

      “I feel fortunate indeed to have been blessed with all of you.”

      Drinking this early in the day is bad for you.

      • Mojeaux

        *glares at water cup*

      • Jarflax

        Jesus’ll be along to fix that sooner or later.

  9. wchipperdove

    Apologies – when SP said this would post at ’11:00′, I assumed she meant Pacific time.

    • UnCivilServant

      Site time, which is central.

      • wchipperdove

        Mehh! [throws plate of strained peas from high chair]

    • Tundra

      WTF is ‘Pacific time’?

      • Nephilium

        The time zone of layabouts who schedule meetings for after business hours.

      • R C Dean

        *looks at calendar, which has Friday afternoons blocked off for eternity*

        I got tired of people dumping their garbage on my desk on Friday afternoons. Only my boss and other VPs are allowed to schedule anything after noon on Friday.

      • Nephilium

        Look at mister fancy monocle… able to prevent people from scheduling items on Friday afternoons.

        Thankfully the client I support has a standing rule of no meeting Fridays. The company I work for on the other hand… There are meetings scheduled from 15:00 – 17:00. Thankfully, I only need to go to one of those (15:30 – 16:00) unless I’m on call for the weekend.

      • R C Dean

        Its really just a logical extension of my ongoing program to ensure that nobody wants to meet with me twice.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Ditto. I have 4 hours blocked off on Friday afternoon. However this is me and my boss’s boss presenting a project to his boss. I’ll make an accommodation for that one.

      • Jarflax

        The bane of my existence is idiot title companies and realtors (ok, that is true full stop lol) who have decided that scheduling closings Friday at 4 pm “let’s us have all week to iron out problems”. No you idiots, it means when the inevitable last minute wrinkles happen we are up against the deadline trying to fix them!

      • Hyperion

        It’s the time the left coast weirdos are awake.

  10. Lackadaisical

    Chipper, I assume your books are on vintage pop culture?

    • wchipperdove

      Correct! Mostly kid stuff like comic books and other collectibles.

  11. CPRM

    The on-demand creation expansion has been good for lots of stuff. The few who have bought any of my merch wouldn’t have been able to do so without it.

    Also, in real life, I use on-demand DVD services (they’ll do blu-ray to, but no client opts for that).

    • wchipperdove

      I always thought Cafe Press was a neat idea. And now, with 3D printing, things could get VERY interesting.

  12. RAHeinlein

    OT: CNBC reporting that Wuhan will build a 1000-bed hospital within ONE WEEK to ease bed shortage due to coronavirus. Just showed footage of dozens of cranes prepping the site – like Mike and his Steam Shovel on steroids.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Big hole in the ground where Chinese Authorities will take care of coronavirus sufferers sounds an awful lot like a mass grave.

      • UnCivilServant

        “Is murtipulpuse stlucture”

        /lacist

    • Urthona

      yeah. Tent with cots.

      • UnCivilServant

        Cots? rectangles drawn on the ground.

      • Urthona

        Pfft. Like they can afford rectangles. Parallelograms maybe.

      • kinnath

        What a weird idea.

    • invisible finger

      I thought China had dozens of “ghost cities” built in the last 10 years with nobody in them. Are they not going to use these ghost cities for this purpose?

      • UnCivilServant

        That would be admitting there’s no one in them.

        Besides, building a ghost hospital is STIMULUS!

      • invisible finger

        You’d think a few people in the know might want to escape the virus by going into the ghost cities then.

      • Urthona

        You have to be dead first. They’re ghost cities.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The ghost cities I’ve seen aren’t fit to be inhabited now, if they even were at building. Junk construction falling apart.

    • pistoffnick

      Typical top-down Chinese management style.

      Gotta do something fast? Throw all these people at it. If it takes 50 men 2 hours to build a complex widget, we can make it in 1 hour with 100 men , we can make it in 6 minutes with 1000 men!

      • Fourscore

        9 Chinese women, each a month pregnant. Got our best people on this project.

    • invisible finger

      It would take 3 years in Illinois just to get a decision on the Certificate Of Need.

  13. Urthona

    I gotta post my story about publishing my book with a major publishing company and not relying on my self at all.

    • UnCivilServant

      An alternate perspective would be welcome.

    • Mojeaux

      Yes! Yes, please do!

      • Urthona

        I was just kidding.

        I WISH.

  14. kinnath

    I have a couple of paragraphs published in some industry standard.

    So, I can join your club right?

    • Urthona

      I regularly make brilliant points on a site called Glibertarians. Does that qualify?

    • RAHeinlein

      Ben Vereen has a sad.

    • Urthona

      “Saripalli Chanavenkateshwaram Rao, 50, was hit in the neck with a blade tied to the rooster’s claw on January 15”

      If there’s one piece of advice people to need to heed more it’s “Don’t tie a blade to your rooster’s claw”.

      Duh.

      • UnCivilServant

        No, no, you’re supposed to attack the blade after you’ve reached the scene of the cockfight.

      • Urthona

        Oh, so cockfights involve roosters?

        The vision in my head was much worse.

      • UnCivilServant

        Did you know that roosters lack the male anatomy they share a name with and have to inseminate hens via cloacal contact rather than intercourse?

      • Urthona

        Ha! What losers! I always fuck the chickens directly.

      • Gadfly

        I read this in Rick Sanchez’s voice and nearly laughed out loud, for real.

      • Bobarian LMD

        SIV!?!

      • pistoffnick

        The cloaca is the swiss army knife of orifices. You can shit out of it, you can have sex with it, some turtles can breathe out of it

      • Bobarian LMD

        I’m disappointed that didn’t link to Mitch Mconnell.

    • Fourscore

      “Happy is the bride the rain falls on:

      Irish Blessing

  15. Q Continuum

    This coronavirus stuff is ridiculous. If there ever actually is some kind of Spanish flu-esque pandemic, we’re all screwed because of all this wolf crying.

    • UnCivilServant

      We’re ripe for a plague.

    • RAHeinlein

      Wuhan is a key global manufacturing hub under partial lock-down, so a targeted market reaction is rational. Global pandemic, not so much.

      • leon

        Buy Buy Buy!

    • Hyperion

      People didn’t even used to know about basic sanitation or have clean drinking water. But organizations like WHO cannot exist without constant panic scenarios.

    • R C Dean

      Its ludicrous to think they put an actual 1,000 bed hospital in a week. Or even a month. That is one big effing hospital. Real hospitals are insanely complex, jammed with special wiring, networking, and plumbing. Properly installing the equipment alone would take more than a month. Our estimate of the time from groundbreaking to opening a modest 80 bed hospital is a year, minimum. Realistically, 18 months. Of course, that’s because we actually treat people in our hospitals.

      That won’t be a hospital. That will be a place to quarantine, not treat, people until the y die or recover pretty much on their own.

      I learned today that “coronavirus” is a pretty common type of virus that causes, among other things, colds (like rhinovirus). We are retooling our lab reports to prevent everyone from panicking when they get the pretty common and innocuous result that they have a coronavirus. Media and NGO reports about coronavirus infection rates are suspect, unless they actually specify “Wuhan coronavirus”. Something to keep in mind. Which makes me wonder what the actual fatality rate for the Wuhan virus is – it could be badly understated.

      • UnCivilServant

        My assumption is that they’ll put down 1000 of something they’ll call a bed, but have no equipment or supplies and just warehouse the sick people.

      • Sensei

        Shhhh….

        The media needs something to fret about and also show that superiority of the Top Men approach running a country.

      • Urthona

        Whenever I hear stories like this my first thought is about how much communism totally rules.

      • R C Dean

        communism totally rules

        Indeed it does.

      • Urthona

        literally and figuratively

      • Ted S.

        That won’t be a hospital. That will be a place to quarantine, not treat, people until the y die or recover pretty much on their own.

        Nothing wrong with a triage unit.

      • R C Dean

        Triage units are where you prioritize people for treatment. I don’t think there will be much treatment going on in their 1,000 bed boarding house/prison.

      • UnCivilServant

        Triage? No doctors for that. It’s a corral to see if you die or recover.

      • Mojeaux

        It’s a morgue.

      • cyto

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XopSDJq6w8E

        Construction in China

        TLDR: 3 year old million dollar homes – bubble economy investment homes like you see in Vegas or 10 years ago in South Florida. Look like they have been abandoned for 20 years.

  16. kinnath

    Brighten your day just a bit. Thunderstruck!

    • wchipperdove

      Holy crap, that’s hilarious.

    • Plisade

      Awesome!

    • Tundra

      That is the cutest thing I think I’ve ever seen!

      Coolest dad, ever!

      Thanks, k!

      • robc

        There are no winners on twitter.

      • robc

        Except Iowahawk, but that is just assumed.

      • JD is Unemployed

        I love Iowahawk but in general I’m not clicking on any more twitter links. You’re only ever one click away from a callous sociopath or some other sort of destructive personality disorder. It’s horrible. The big choatic collective mess that is the left wing psychosis pretty much owns it, and they litter it with the very worst of their cynicism, lies, and screeching. I’m sure their are edgy “alt right” people that goad them on, too. It’s all horrible. Every time I’ve looked up something on twitter, something totally innocuous and non-political, there it is, a bunch of people immediately barfing bad faith, hateful garbage. The darkest, most depressing pieces of shit inhabit that place, and publically spew out enough horrible, defamatory, fanatical shit determined to bring everyone else down to their miserable level of existence. Twitter is a window into hell.

        /wellthatescalatedquickly

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Twitter is a race to the bottom makes YouTube comment sections look thoughtful and sane. I like to head over there occasionally for a laugh but I can see why some would like to avoid it like the plague.

      • JD is Unemployed

        I don’t read yt comments, but from the feedback given by youtubers with actual, focused, interesting channels, apparently “if you build it, they will come”, and you can foster a decent, amusing, and constructive comments section when it’s on a channel that’s actual about something real, rather than garbage memes, or tankie hot takes, or vindictive anger porn of people having a bad day, etc.

      • UnCivilServant

        “if you build it, they will come”

        The Chinese cities disprove that assertion… (still watching videos on ghost cities)

      • Jarflax

        They weren’t built to attract people, they were built to fleece sheep.

    • wchipperdove

      Twitter kicked me off for suggesting George Soros ought to off himself.

      Like he would even see that!

      • Mojeaux

        Assholes.

      • UnCivilServant

        I saw this comment in isolation, and my thought was “Yes, yes we are.”

      • Mojeaux

        You’re not wrong.

        But aren’t libertarians considered assholes by default?

    • Urthona

      By us? Yes. By the actual mainstream media in this country? no.

    • invisible finger

      in the am links thread

    • commodious spittoon

      How do they expect to carry that thing to the White House?

  17. Rebel Scum

    Let’s address the efforts of president Trump and his team to cover up his scheme.

    Like with a cloth?

    • pistoffnick

      Have you tried turning it off and then on again?

      • Plisade

        “Mooooooove!”

  18. robc

    Speaking of Pacific time, I may be doing a business trip to Tucson in the not-to-distant future (I know they are MST, but that will be Pacific soon enough). I don’t know if my schedule will allow for a meetup some evening, but I will keep the Tucson contingent informed.

    And on that note, I will be in the Philly area (NJ side) Sun-Wed. I don’t know my evening schedule, but if there are any locals wanting to meet up, I am game.

    • R C Dean

      I will keep the Tucson contingent informed

      *deletes account*

      • robc

        I think you are it. Anyone else?

      • R C Dean

        I’m not coming up with anyone. Several in Phoenix.

        Keep me posted. I’ll need 48 hours to notify my supplier for hookers and blow.

      • robc

        At this point it was just an off-the-cuff comment from my boss “might be worth a trip out to Tucson for a work session”.

      • R C Dean

        “Work session”

        *jots reminder to order extra hookers and blow*

      • Gustave Lytton

        You get a work discount on stomach pumping, right?

      • JD is Unemployed

        Weird kink but ok

      • R C Dean

        You get a work discount on stomach pumping, right?

        Actually, just a really nice discount on our morgue. Comes in handy during . . . contentious . . . dispute “resolutions”.

    • Caput Lupinum

      Good news, we were planning on a philly meetup this weekend. DEG spring it on us last minute so we’re still working out the details, but send me an email and I’ll get you in on the discussions. GwynapNaud @ gmail

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s a bit far for a day trip.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Philadelphia is nothing if not unaccommodating to travelers.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ve also already told my mother I was visiting her. If it were less last minute, I’d be more tempted.

      • Sensei

        I went to graduate school in Philly.

        Most would say youse got that right!

      • robc

        I think the last time I was in Philly/NJ was 1985. I assume it hasnt changed.

      • Urthona

        It has. I went to school in Philly in the 90s and it was a shithole. It’s gotten a lot nicer since.

    • UnCivilServant

      Quality versus quantity.

  19. Mojeaux

    Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I got my file rails for my new-to-me filing cabinet!

    Please do not tell me I am the lone Glib who squees over office supplies and furniture.

    • UnCivilServant

      Well, that depends on the furnature. I’m not going to hold it against you, since it brings you joy and doesn’t hurt anyone.

      • Mojeaux

        I have a 70s-era Steelcase desk I love and I now have two 4-drawer filing cabinets and one 2-drawer filing cabinet. I do have one legal-sized 2-drawer cabinet, but I bought it for my son and I don’t use it.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have a flat pack wood desk that I need to clear the junk off of so I can move my computer there that has a small integrated filing cabinet. It’s the long part of an L-shaped set where I only got the one part.

        My computer is currently sitting on some wirre rack shelving on top of which is a sheet of plywood holding the monitors and keyboard. My mouse stand is this really nice looking metal and wood end table at the perfect 39.5″ needed for my arm to sit comfortably while I’m in my chair – which I’ve rebuilt several times until I found a piston, leg and coaster combination that worked. I may need to replace the padding in the seat though, that’s been squashed too flat over the years.

      • Not Adahn

        My desk was my grandfather’s from his office. The inside of the drawers and the top have his handwriting on them. I’ve got a sheet of glass on it to keep from palmpisetting. I originally used a chair from the old OK state capitol, but frankly it sucked, so I replaced it with a Herman Miller. Upstairs, I’m using a dresser/desk that my grandfather originally made for my father when he was five. I’ve got a couple of lamps from that era, but that’s pretty much the extent of the interesting furniture I have.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Classic Steelcase is great. Or maybe it’s vintage Steelcase now.

      • Mojeaux

        It’s like this, except I have 3 regular sized drawers on the left.

    • R C Dean

      Well, every place I’ve worked in 20 years has gotten me a new office chair, at my insistence, so there’s that.

      I’m also pondering a new desk for the Casa Dean.

      So I guess you’re not the only one, although I don’t squee. More of a dignified/satisfied harrumph, while I reposition my monocle as the orphans do the installation.

      • Mojeaux

        That’s pretty.

        Long ago right after I got married and got into my course to learn medical transcription, I got a corner desk. I really liked it, except that I felt closed in with those shelves.

        Fast forward almost 3 years and we are moving. I can’t take it apart and be able to put it back together again because it’s cheap chipboard, and it’s too big to get out of the room. So I did, in fact, take it apart. I trashed all but the very big desktop surface, which I put on brackets bolted to the wall. No legs, totally clear underneath. Then I got a sliding drawer that could be attached to the underside.

        So I use my corner desk for most of my work and my Steelcase for sewing and other hobbies.

    • wchipperdove

      When I was a kid, there were few pleasures as pure as a nice, clean, brand-new notebook for me to fill with my ideas and nonsense.

    • invisible finger

      “Please do not tell me I am the lone Glib who squees over office supplies and furniture.”

      I thought that only happened in porno.

    • Not Adahn

      I read the Levenger catalog.

      • Mojeaux

        Look, I just broke myself of that habit.

      • Not Adahn

        I also go to craft/art/millwork showings to meet furniture makers. I want some of this guy’s stuff:

        https://www.pinterest.com/nuboynow/

        He made a coffee table that was perfectly level but with no two parallel lines.

      • UnCivilServant

        no two parallel lines.

        *eyetwitch*

        That. Is. Just. Wrong.

        /OCPD

      • Not Adahn

        The worst part was looking at it, then setting a ball bearing on it and watching it not roll.

        Escher would have been impressed.

    • JD is Unemployed

      I got my office chair from my old neighbor for free. It was practically new, and is an excellent chair. I have two large filling cabinets which I got for next to nothing which I use to store tools and hardware, paint etc. The universe is balanced, though, because I once spent over £400 on a new couch, which I then sold a year later for £50.

      • Mojeaux

        Way back in the day I was much, much bigger than I am now. I bought an extra-wide office chair from a large-person online catalog. It was $400. It way too tall for me and I could barely climb into it and had no arms. It is very plush and comfortable and heavy duty. I hate it because I can’t put my feet on the floor. Then I got a different chair from a different large-person store. I still use it. Love it. Very comfortable. My only complaint is that one of the wheel-arms (whatever you call that) is twisted and it doesn’t roll right, but whatever. Not getting rid of the chair.

      • JD is Unemployed

        I think I’ve missed a trick not checking out the large people furniture. I bet there are some wicked comfortable big chairs out their. I often wondered about getting one of those wideboy toilets as an insurance policy against potential Elvis bloating down the road.

      • Not Adahn

        Yes, but they can be really pricey, and much heavier what with the steel reinforcement. I looked into buying a “big and tall” rated recliner for my dad when they came up to visit and it was out of my price range.

      • JD is Unemployed

        True that.

      • JD is Unemployed

        *there (I apparently have a real problem with homophones)

      • robc

        It least it wasnt real money.

  20. Not Adahn

    I’m a gatekeeper to get access to some of the laboratories, so I meet most/all of the new hires in our group. I’m not certain if this one is a person or an anime character. She is a tiny (< 5') adorable Chinese woman who accentuates her tinyness by wearing David Byrne-oversized clothing (though the sleeves and pant legs are tailored to exactly the right length). They must have some kind of internal structure to keep them from collapsing. And of course comically large glasses. And she's named "Hanhan."

      • Not Adahn

        She asked for some help operating the sonicator and for some ethanol. I wonder if she was flirting with me.

      • leon

        She asked for some help operating the sonicator and for some ethanol.

        Interesting euphemism

      • Sensei

        She’s here to play with the plumbing and wants alcohol.

        Definitely flirting…

    • Sensei

      Just by mentioning David Byrne oversized clothing you are dating yourself.

      • Not Adahn

        I have never claimed to be a Millenitarian.

      • Sensei

        Stop Making Sense

      • Not Adahn

        Qu’est-ce que c’est?

  21. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Eight minutes of Paul Joseph Watson railing against eating insects, bats, and…uhm…live mice:

    https://youtu.be/DM_hRWVNcMk

    It looks like the Chinese will eat everything but the squeal and then they eat the squeal.

    • R C Dean

      Centuries of being on the brink of starvation will do that.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        That’s true, it’s easy to forget that they’ve only been out of the woods as far as that goes for fifty years or so.

    • Hyperion

      A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago that almost all Chinese food here is not Chinese, but American food pretending to be Chinese. Then he told me about an authentic Chinese restaurant here and I went. My assessment is, yeah they’ll eat anything. *shudder*

      • Jarflax

        My sister in law harps on that (she is Chinese), and mocks American Chinese food. Personally I think authentic is a sketchy concept, and prefer “tastes good” and “isn’t poisonous”

      • Nephilium

        Then why do I always have to argue more for spicy Szechuan food then I do for spicy Indian or Thai food?

      • Gadfly

        Personally I think authentic is a sketchy concept, and prefer “tastes good” and “isn’t poisonous”

        I also tend to prefer the Americanized version of foreign dishes, and if that makes me provincial so be it. Taste good trumps authenticity every time.

      • leon

        being provincial is underrated.

      • Akira

        I think authentic is a sketchy concept

        It is. It’s based on this silly notion that your culture is the authentic one; the baseline from which all these bastardizations are derived, when in reality, every single culture that still exists is a mishmash of things taken from other cultures.

      • Brochettaward

        Asians are like garbage disposals in general. The shit they serve in the Philippines is like the little mouth breathing glue-eater in class’s lunch tray where he mixes a bunch of random shit together.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        What, you don’t like balut?

      • Not Adahn

        No, but bulat makes nice knives.

    • Hyperion

      Listen up Trumptard, how are we going to get rid of orangebadman if there’s no impending doom?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Don’t worry. It doesn’t matter if the impending doom is real or not.

        The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

        H. L. Mencken

    • commodious spittoon

      Everything’s okay and getting better except our news media? That’s very distressing, thanks a lot.

    • Brochettaward

      Everybody knows that capitalism has failed.

      • leon

        AOC even pronounced that when you have a capitalist society, it always seems to end in billionaires, and that sounds just awful.

        I mean sure Socialist Economies seem to always end in starvation and executions, but no one asked her about that….

      • Hyperion

        “it always seems to end in billionaires, and that sounds just awful.”

        Yeah, it’s so much better when it ends in tyranny, concentration camps, and mass poverty.

  22. Drake

    So is impechment just an opportunity for Schifty to harangue the Senate with his nonsense for days on end? Its just been a non-stop stream of nonsense for days.

    • Sensei

      He isn’t endearing himself to the “moderate” Rs. If he keeps it up it isn’t inconceivable he won’t manage any R votes to impeach.

      I think folks like Snowe would have actually preferred a reason to vote to impeach.

    • Brochettaward

      Wait until we get to the third impeachment in October. That’s when it’s really gonna get good.

      • leon

        Everyone knows that the best is when the sequel gets darker. “Dark Night”, “Empire Strikes Back” etc.

      • Gadfly

        “The Impeachment Strikes Back”
        “Impeachment 2: Impeach Harder”
        “Impeachments”
        “Impeachment 2: Judgment Day”

        “Impeachment 2: Electric Boogaloo”

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Impeachment: Genisys

        The Next Impeachment Kid

        Impeachment: The Revenge

      • Gadfly

        Impeachment: The Revenge

        Does Schiff or Nadler get to wear the shark costume?

      • Plisade

        Repeatchment

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        The worst part of that joke is that you aren’t kidding.

      • Not Adahn

        Nope, not at all.

        The DNC will have a deepfake of Trump accepting a bag of money (complete with $ printed on it) from Putin while sodomizing a brave WoC and calling her racial slurs. Schiff will forget to strip off the metadata that shows which special effects companies and Hollywood studios produced it. All the broadcast networks will declare questions about the videos authenticity “conspiracy theories” and Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, Instagram, Google, Reddit and the rest will censor the term “mammyhoax” and shadowban anyone using the term. New York, California and other states will declare it obscenity not protected by the first amendment and force ISPs to turn over the names of anyone who has downloaded it.

        Then Trump will be impeached for spreading the Russian Propaganda that he was not in the video which nobody is allowed to see.

      • Hyperion

        When you have the media declaring almost in unity, that we can no longer wait for elections to get the ‘expected’ results, what else could happen?

    • leon

      Jimmy Dore was criticizing the whole impeachment kerfuffle, and schiff in particular.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Just saw that he’s still up there rambling on and all I could think was “Doesn’t this asshole ever shut up?”

  23. Rebel Scum

    Listening to Schiff, dude is a real piece of work.

    • leon

      I actually heard a clip of him talking and his voice isn’t like listening to HRC. I really wanted to gauge my ears out when herself would speak. At least i can stand to listen to his voice.

      For him it’s the face. I can’t watch him talk.

    • Plisade

      He’s trying to say Biden is like any other citizen, that it could be any of us targeted by Trump. I really hope the Bidens get subpoenaed.

  24. commodious spittoon

    Good and sick with the office bug. Currently bundled up and wishing I had cotton gloves.

    We had health screenings today. My results were all over the board. Waist is 36″ but my BMI puts me well overweight. (I’m working on it. Fasting has been good.) BP high, cholesterols all low, triglycerides very low. I’m pretty sure the nurse is a crank, she put my height low, too.

    • Brochettaward

      Currently bundled up and wishing I had cotton gloves.

      I need a ruling from UCS on this one to confirm, but I’m pretty sure this makes you gay.

      • Not Adahn

        Canvas is an acceptable material for summer work gloves.

    • commodious spittoon

      The nurse is a crank? Would you perhaps call her a KRANKENSCHWESTER?

      WOAHEYO

  25. Rebel Scum

    “Drumpf didn’t impugn the character of a foreign head of state while at a press briefing during a conference where he was trying to encourage and maintain peaceful relations with said foreign head of state! IMPEACH!

    • Brochettaward

      Is he going on about the Helsinki press conference or something?

      • Rebel Scum

        Yes. And, another running theme, apparently Trump didn’t “stick to the plan”. You know, the US foreign policy prerogatives that are apparently not set by the president.

      • Brochettaward

        That’s really the crux of all the complaining. Ukraine has bought and paid off all the establishment types. The testimony from all those concerned individuals revolved around the fact that they disagreed with Trump and knew better than him what our foreign policy should be.

  26. Rebel Scum

    He is still hinging on the supposed withholding of aid that was not withheld. Has the new Ukrainian president even made a comment regarding Trump that could even be construed as negative? I have only seen praise.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      The Ukrainian President knows how to handle the U.S. President better than any of the Democrats. That’s what the transcript shows.

      • R C Dean

        I thought the transcript was amusing, just for the nonstop flattery and general buttering-up they both engaged in.

        From the little I’ve seen, Schiff isn’t terrible, aside from the constant lying. Nadler was a disaster, and it looks like they have given the rest of his time (after he accused the Repub Senators of being complicit and engaged in a coverup) to Schiff. Who is, of course, using it to lie.

      • leon

        He’s a good speaker. I mean he’s no Obama…

        (I never thought Obama was a very good public speaker)

      • commodious spittoon

        He’s halfway there.

      • invisible finger

        He has the cadence down pat. Shame about the content. Perhaps audiobooks are his future.

      • Akira

        (I never thought Obama was a very good public speaker)

        I never understood that either. I think it’s just that the media kept repeating it so much that it became one of those things that “everybody knows”.

        One thing I wish people would do is view political speeches the same as they view commercials on TV – as attempts at persuasion. Corporations want to sell you stuff; candidates want you to vote for them. They use the same exact tactics: establish emotional connections, make you believe it’s in your best interest to do this for them, and denigrate the competition.

        When Obama was running in 2008, people would tell me shit like, “Oh you’ve GOT to hear this man speak, he is absolutely amazing. You just listen to him and you can tell that he’s out there for US, and he’s going to unite everyone and heal this country…”

        Imagine how fucking creepy it would be if someone was ecstatically praising this Tide commercial they saw and insisting that you watch the commercial right now so that you can see what a wonderful detergent it is.

      • Urthona

        It always felt to me like he was our disappointed dad.

        Why don’t you people see that I’m right and give up your guns and support Obamacare? *sigh*

      • Brochettaward

        I don’t think this really captures what a conniving cunt he comes off as to me.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Sterotypical ethic grandmother. You didn’t build those. Who educated you and made the roads I walked up both ways to school in the snow. Ah, No one listens to me.

      • Mojeaux

        Not just an ethnic one. I mean, I can see where the “you didn’t build that” comes from on a micro level.

        XY: But it’s MY business! *I* built it! It’s MY leaf blower and MY weed whacker!

        Me: It’s MY truck, MY lawnmower, MY gas cans, MY time because you can’t drive, MY gas, and you need MY permission to do it at all.

    • R C Dean

      He is still hinging on the supposed withholding of aid that was not withheld.

      Pretty sure it was delayed. I think the only thing they could actually hang on him is not being in technical compliance with the notice requirements of the Impoundment Act (a statute which is univerally ignored).

    • Akira

      I saw part of that shitshow on the TV in my supermarket’s food court area today… Did I see the Democrats using a Washington Post headline as evidence??

  27. Rebel Scum

    Putting on quite a show there, Pencil-neck.

  28. Rebel Scum

    “take political dirt from another country”

    But enough about Hilary.

  29. Brochettaward

    This was linked to earlier this morning without much comment, for those who missed it:

    In the email, Vogel wrote, “We are going to report that (State Department official) Elizabeth Zentos attended a meeting at the White House on 1/19/2016 with Ukrainian prosecutors and embassy officials as well as … [redacted] from the NSC … the subjects discussed included efforts within the United State government to support prosecutions, in Ukraine and the United Kingdom, of Burisma Holdings … and concerns that Hunter Biden’s position with the company could complicate such efforts.”

    So, that’s the Obama administration holding a meeting at the White House with Ukrainian officials on Burisma and the Biden’s. I wonder how that one went. My own guess – pressure from the White House to squash any prosecutions because it would have been scandalous for the Obama administration. I mean, what the hell else are they discussing, and where did this support/pressure to prosecute go?

    • leon

      Debunked conspiracy theory.

      • Akira

        I didn’t see it on the New York Times or CNN, so it must be fake news. If it were real news, I would have seen it there because those are the two most trustworthy news outlets.

        QED, bitches.

    • Urthona

      Never heard of that before. Surprised?

  30. commodious spittoon

    I mean, what the hell else are they discussing

    Trump’s future perfidies, duh.

  31. Brochettaward

    IT’S 4:03 AND THERE AREN’T ANY LINKS

    *KICKS OVER TRASH CAN*

    WHAT DO I PAY YOU PEOPLE FOR?

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      ATTICA, ATTICA

    • leon

      RIOT!!!!!!!!

      :Looks for nearest Coloradoan to throw off cliff:

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        A riot is an ugly thing… und I think that it is just about time that we had onE

    • The Hyperbole

      I just cancelled my subscription!

    • Rebel Scum

      I, for one, am outraged.

  32. Count Potato

    Was there a meth lab explosion?