Marshal Dillon : Libertarian Hero or Capital A A**hole?

by | Jan 27, 2020 | Entertainment, Opinion, Pastimes, Reviews, Society | 336 comments

Recently in a thread discussing old-timey radio I made what I believed to be a rather uncontroversial observation-

 

A Very Reasonable Observation

 

Now one can imagine my surprise to find out that this obviously indisputable assertion was indeed disputed (Well, the last bit anyway). A few Glibs made the well thought out rebuttal thusly-

 

Well Thought Out Rebuttal

 

Argue that.

Faced with such compelling counter arguments I decided to give the Marshall another chance and vowed that the next time my insomnia and an episode of Gunsmoke coincided I would turn a fresh ear and reevaluate my opinion of the man. As luck would have it, just last night while tossing and turning and listening to Radio Classics I got my chance. First aired way back on September 20, 1952 and written by Les Crutchfield “Drop Dead” proved a perfect case study for the question at hand. But will it prove Marshal Dillon to be ‘The Man’ or an authoritative bully who bends the law to his own will?

Lets find out!

“Drop Dead” 

(SPOILERS AHEAD!  Here’s a link to the show if you want to listen to it before reading my synopsis)

The story begins with a Mr. Jackson driving his cattle to Dodge City. A drought has fell upon the region and he is upset to find that Cottonwood Pond, apparently the only water source available, has been fenced off by Old Man Howard the rancher who owns the land. Old Man Howard wants what Mr Jackson believes to be an exorbitant price to water his cattle and a stand off ensues, one that could lead to big trouble if a resolution is not reached.

Meanwhile, Marshal Matt Dillon is hanging out with his buddy Doc whinging that it’s been ‘too quiet’ and that if the drought doesn’t break there will be trouble as everyone’s on edge. Doc who admits that he ‘Steals ’em blind’ when he gets patients, hopes maybe he will get a few fees out of any such trouble at least, which generates a chuckle out of Matt, ‘good old Doc, haha.’ Just then, Chester ass-kisses his way up and informs Matt of the impending fight at Cottonwood Pond and off they go.

On the way, we learn that Chester and Matt don’t much care for Old Man Howard. He’s a ‘skinflint’and no decent man would do what he’s doing, trying to squeeze two dollars where one should be sufficient. Once at the pond, Old Man Howard asserts his property rights and commands Matt to protect him from the trespassing cattle and cowboys. Matt begrudgingly admits that Howard is in the right and has the law on his side. Mr Jackson isn’t happy about it but concedes that Matt has a tough job and promises to give him until 9 pm to talk sense into Old Man Howard, but after that he’s taking his cattle to the pond, law or no law.

Matt and Chester return to town. Chester, who mentions that he thinks a storm is coming, goes off to try and round up deputies. Matt goes crying to Kitty at the Long Branch about how the damn law has tied his hands and he hates it, but he has to side with Old Man Howard. Chester can’t find anybody willing to help and Fenton, Old Man Howard’s foreman, comes by to see if Matt will deputize him and the other ranchers so they can fight off the cowboys should they trespass. This angers Matt and he orders Fenton to leave the Long Branch. Fenton refuses and Matt gets even angrier and more vocal shouting for Fenton to “Get out. Go on, get out! MOVE!!”

After Fenton leaves, Kitty comments that it’s too bad they don’t have a lawyer in Dodge who might find a way around the law for Matt. At first Matt scoffs at the idea of a lawyer -“Heaven forbid”-, but then remembers the law books left behind when some passing lawyer died while in town a while ago. He, Chester and Doc scour the books and find what amounts to old west eminent domain, complete with wordings such as ‘acute emergency’ and ‘general welfare’ and ‘public good.’

Thunder can be heard in the distance as Matt returns to Cottonwood Pond where he first meets Fenton, guarding the fence. Matt calls him a bushwhacker and says he usually greets bushwhackers with his six shooter. He then calls together Old Man Howard and Mr Jackson, pronounces himself the ‘Duly Constituted Authority’ and declares an ‘Acute State of Emergency” and takes the pond in the name of the US government and cedes watering rights to Mr Jackson. Then he gives Old Man Howard five minutes to make a deal with Mr. Jackson who was just told that he was getting the water for free.

Old Man Howard refuses to accept Matt’s authority so Matt deputizes Mr. Jackson’s men, cuts the fence and instigates a shootout between the two factions. Losing the battle, Old Man Howard’s men start a brush fire which gets out of control and threatens to burn down all of Dodge. Right when all hope is lost, the rain storm that Chester thought was on it’s way breaks.

Fenton, whose men have been shot and possibly killed,has lost his job because the fire did burn down Old Man Howard’s Place. He tries to ambush Matt and Chester, but Matt out guns him. Next Old Man Howard takes his shot at Matt and Chester. He has them dead to rights but is standing under a tree and is taken out by a lightning strike. Everyone else lives happily ever after.

Verdict

I believe it’s pretty clear where Marshall Dillon falls on the Asshole-Hero spectrum; he’s fine with his friend Doc gouging people, not so much Old Man Howard. He scoffs at Lawyers and the way the law is confusingly written but then takes full advantage of that ambiguity. He menaces a private citizen and tosses him out of a public establishment just because he doesn’t like the guy. He later impugns the same guy who is simply doing his job. Matt then lets him know he’d rather just shoot him. He goes out of his way to avoid doing his duty when he doesn’t like it but jumps at the chance when his duties benefit Mr Jackson, not even waiting to see if the approaching storm will bring crisis ending rain or not.

Asshole with a capital A.

Lest one thinks I cherry picked an episode here you will see that this episode did indeed air on 1/19/2020 at 2:30 am, Also to show that I am accurate with my description of the show you can listen to it in it’s entirety here, it’s episode 18.  Lastly if one imagines this is just a one off story, ill representing the true character of Mr Dillon, the scriptwriter of this episode is credited with writing a total of 138 radio and television stories and scripts for Gunsmoke, I’d say he knows the score.

And lastly whether you accept my conclusions on Marshal Dillon or not (have at it in the comments [natch]) I think we can all agree that Chester is a sniveling toady with his head so far up “Mr Dillon Sir’s” ass that his feet can’t reach the ground.

About The Author

The Hyperbole

The Hyperbole

The Hyperbole can beat any of you chumps at Earthshaker! the greatest pinball machine of all time.

336 Comments

  1. Spudalicious

    I can’t believe you got SugarFree booted to Thursday.

  2. Mojeaux

    I thoroughly enjoyed this.

  3. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    Ben Cartwright- libertarian hero defending his land in an immoral Western frontier. And the only decent and honest man in Virginia City raising three upstanding boys adhering to the same moral principles while rightly skeptical of corrupt authority.

    You can piss on Gunsmoke, but don’t you dare come for the Cartwrights

    • Tonio

      Phrasing?

      • Chafed

        I think it was a dare.

    • Ted S.

      Lucas McCain, serial killer.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And best dad evah!

    • The Hyperbole

      Little Joe always did that “I’m going to walk away now but then quick turn and sucker punch” thing. I always thought that was rather dickish.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        He only did that when provoked. The Cartwrights never started trouble. They finished it.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        If you have a problem with Bonanza then just come out and admit that you hate America and you wish we were more like Europe

      • The Hyperbole

        I’m more of a Big Valley guy. IYKWIMAITTYD.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Bonanza had a better theme song, Frenchy

      • The Hyperbole

        ?We got a right to pick a little fight…Bonanza!?

      • Fatty Bolger

        Watching as a kid, I never much liked Little Joe.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        He was the pretty boy. Hoss was the lovable giant. Adam the dark and brooding son. Hop Sing was there for some racially offensive comic relief.

      • The Hyperbole

        Hey Boy > Hop Sing

      • creech

        Wasn’t Little Joe about to run off and join the Confederate Army in one episode? Didn’t seem to understand the slavery issue like Ben and his brothers did.

  4. straffinrun

    Fuck the po-lice?

  5. Fatty Bolger

    Sure he’s an asshole, but he’s our asshole.

  6. straffinrun

    Also, was Doc just joking? Even if he wasn’t, surge pricing FTW, amirite?

    • Rhywun

      Slowly I turn….

      • Crusty Juggler

        Wintston’s Mom after a receiving an awkard wink?

      • Sean

        …I put on my robe and wizard hat…

  7. Florida Man

    I thought Joe from “a fist full of dollars” was the most libertarian. Playing 2 sides to maximize profits over any moral code.

  8. Fourscore

    Chester is a good bureaucrat. Good jobs are hard to find, ass kissing keeps him tight with his boss. Chester is not stupid, usually its a safe job, right behind the Marshall. On occasion he might make a good shoot if a dog wanders by (not sure about that part but he is an LEO). Doc is hooked on the cheap sauce and knows that Matt can keep him in business as long as there’s Medicare for All in Dodge he’ll be getting his paycheck. Kitty keeps the payola going with the cheap/free drinks, gets protection. Matt, the star (and star wearer) is a bully that makes the rules up as he goes, typical cop.

    5 stars

    • mikey

      Nice summary.

    • straffinrun

      Seriously, don’t miss this one. It’s not even OT.

  9. Homple

    From an experience when the well pump quit while 35 stock cows, 31 calves, 11 head of horses and 20-some brood sows were getting thirstier by the minute, I can testify tate drover was in one hell of a fix.

    • The Last American Hero

      Then he should have paid the fee.

  10. Crusty Juggler

    Chester Goode > Matt Dillon fwiw

    • Crusty Juggler

      David Mann > Sam McCloud > Chester Goode

    • The Hyperbole

      Who the fuck is Chester Goode? MotherF**ker’s name was Proudfoot.

  11. Jarflax

    Hyperbole has won this debate. We like to bitch about how proggie Media is today, but oft times overlooked in people’s disdain for Joe McCarthy is that he wasn’t wrong about the degree of Stalinist influence in Hollywood. The propaganda was subtler then, but property owners were generally greedy villains, and using the law or personal violence to help the ‘underdog’ was a common trope. The subtler hues of red in 20th century media paved the way for the bloody crimson of today.

    • straffinrun

      “Shut your dirty whore mouth!” doesn’t necessarily mean Spud disagreed.

    • Spudalicious

      I disagree. I believe my erudite response settled the issue.

      • straffinrun

        *Throws up hands* This lawyer thing isn’t easy.

      • Jarflax

        Never let your client testify if you don’t know what he is going to say.

      • mikey

        That’s what I find curious about all the calling for witnesses. Do the Dems really have any idea what they’ll say? Then again, the witnesses they did call didn’t exactly help them much.

    • The Last American Hero

      Perhaps, but it was the era of trust in Big Institutions.

      The 80’s, however, were libertopia for TV. Almost every show featured a private detective/fugitive/hillbilly with a lead foot and the government was either incapable, co-opted by the bad guys, or unwilling to help the victim of the week.

  12. gbob

    Lamont Cranston. Rich dude who has a somewhat…unusual….relationship with a young woman named Margot. Libertarian hero.

    • commodious spittoon

      somewhat…unusual

      They aren’t banging?

  13. Crusty Juggler

    Bret Maverick < Josh Randall < Al Swearingen

    • Florida Man

      I did not car for the deadwood “movie”.

      • Crusty Juggler

        It was like a lost episode and it needed more virile Al.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        It didn’t track with history, but I thought it was okay.

        The thing I thought was cool was they got everyone (above ground) back to do it. If nothing else I liked it as a reunion show.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        I did not car for

        So, as to say, you don’t truck with it?

    • straffinrun

      straffinrun > Crusty

      • Crusty Juggler

        Maybe in Dumb Opposite Wrong Land!

      • straffinrun

        Fecal leakage > Crusty

      • straffinrun

        Heh. That Bruce Lee scene from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood also got a big lol.

    • The Hyperbole

      Bart was the best Maverick.

  14. mikey

    This is great Hyp.
    Reading it was like listening to with the family on the radio again (I’m that old). We followed it onto the TV. As a lad I thought they were great but somewhere on I began thinking Dillon was just a full-of-himself prick. I think that was about the time I started gaining an appreciation of Miss Kitty.

    • The Hyperbole

      Thanks mikey, I’ve only listen to the satellite radio re-runs and he’s always struck me as a jerk, even when he’s right he has a way of bossing and bulling that brings out the ‘Am I being detained?’ brand of libertarianism in me.

  15. AlmightyJB

    I really enjoyed the series Justified but U.S. Marshall Raylan Givens was a non-stop civil rights violation.

    • The Hyperbole

      No question, but they gave some lip service to that fact, his boss at least pretended to reprimand him occasionally, Marshal Dillon on the other hand is held up as a paragon of virtue and righteousness when in fact he’s a giant Asshat.

      • Jarflax

        Raylan was beating racists. So they had no civil rights to violate. I liked the show for a couple seasons but if you watch cop shows and actually pay attention to what they are doing it is terrifying.

      • Crusty Juggler

        If you pull on him he will put you down – it’s called self-defense.

      • The Last American Hero

        Same goes for Presidential worship fests like the West Wing.

      • Jarflax

        I won’t watch those. In the proper circumstances a cop can be a hero, those circumstances are admittedly rare, but when acop goes face to face with an armed serial killer or rapist on a cop show I can root for the cop. Politicians not so much, and the closest they can come is to do the opposite of what they do on those shows.

  16. Rhywun

    Today in taxpayer-funded racist and sexist propaganda for tots.

    In an e-mail to parents and caregivers on Jan. 16, teacher Rosy Clark lays out lessons based on the Black Lives Matter Week of ­Action for a pre-kindergarten class at PS 58, located in well-regarded District 15 in Carroll Gardens.

    It’s never too young to start your kids on a diet of Marxist claptrap.

    • AlmightyJB

      Pre-Kindergarten. Wow. In a sane world, they would all be arrested for child abuse. That’s some heavy shit to be laying down on 4 year olds. How about we focus on coloring within the lines.

      • Rhywun

        She explains that “I will not be discussing police brutality or current events with the class. These issues are obviously too traumatizing for this age group.”

        I wonder if she’ll be discussing the destruction of the family in favor of the collective – another major bullet-point of “Black Lives Matter” after it got skin-suited by the usual suspects.

      • AlmightyJB

        I hope they rebel as teenagers. They’ll all be Alex Keaton.

      • Gender Traitor

        focus on coloring within the lines.

        Fuck off, slaver!

      • straffinrun

        *Nods in agreement*

  17. Crusty Juggler

    How to Have Good Sex, According to a Neuroscientist

    Like many a scientist before me, I began my research by using myself as a guinea pig for my own studies. I spent endless hours conducting brain-imaging studies of women having orgasms in the fMRI in order to understand more about how pleasure—in the ultimate form of an orgasm—plays out in the brain, showing that an orgasm not only feels good but is good for us.

    Hmmm…

    • AlmightyJB

      She could have saved a lot of time by just giving me a hollah. I’d have hooked her up. Sex is art, not math.

      • Sean

        I see it more like shop class. Ya know, with power tools and stuff.

      • commodious spittoon

        You could lose a finger.

      • Festus

        Hey! Stop screwing around back there!

  18. Fourscore

    What we didn’t know:

    Kitty’s 16 year old daughter Gretchen, who has been in the East going to boarding school, arrives on the stage, as things begin to heat up. She quickly analyzes the situation and calls for a town hall meeting. She recognizes that the grassland is a fragile environment and to attempt cattle ranching is just not working. In a humane gesture she sees the cattle are desperate for water and orders Old Man Howard to tear down this wall, err, fence so Jackson’s cattle can drink. Howard realizes that when he loses control of his water all the freeloaders in the world will be there and destroy his resource but Matt taps his Colt to get Howard’s attention. Matt leaves Chester at the water hole, as a guard, to prevent any violence. As the water level goes down Chester finds a shiny rock, takes it to town and shows Matt. Matt realizes what it is, telegraphs his brother Peter to buy all the mineral rights in Dodge County. Jackson’s cows are shipped, Chester hires Jackson’s cowboys and they begin digging and finding gold by the buckets full. Matt buys up the town, loans Kitty cash to build a casino and bring in entertainment. Matt fires Chester, hires Gretchen to run the casino, Doc dies from cirrhosis, Jackson is head of security and Old Man Howard gets declared an Alzheimer case and wanders off in the desert and dies. Almost the end…

    • Mojeaux

      *edit fairy please insert standing ovation gif here thank you*

      • Festus

        The Eldest One just wrote the teleplay for Deadwood. If it’s any consolation 4×20, sorry about your sister-in-law. I know it wasn’t a shock but still…

    • straffinrun

      Do little house next. Make Nellie’s death extry painful.

      • Festus

        Nooo! We liked her and the blind sister! Mmmm! The blind sister… Hated that middle daughter.

      • straffinrun

        A defense a Nellie. Even Hype would have a problem with that one.

      • Festus

        I caught up on Degrassi Junior High when I’d aged out of it by about twenty years.

      • Gender Traitor

        The TV series was an abomination. PA INGALLS HAD A BEARD, DAMMIT!

        ::practices deep breathing exercises::

        …but yeah – ditto on Nellie’s death. Prissy bitch.

      • Mojeaux

        My mother refused to have that show on in our house. That show, for her, was on the level of taking the Lord’s name in vain.

      • Gender Traitor

        To this day, I don’t believe I’ve ever watched an entire dramatization of Little Women.

      • Festus

        Nope. Never finished the book, either. That’s saying something because OCD and what-not.

      • Gender Traitor

        Oh, I read Little Women repeatedly, as well as the other Alcott “juveniles.” I’ve just always been wary of TV or film adaptations of my favorite books.

        (I wouldn’t have expected you to find LW your cup of tea. It’s totes a chick thing.)

      • Mojeaux

        Fun fact: Nellie Olsen was an amalgamation of about 3 different girls Laura knew growing up.

        Death would not be fun for Nellie.

        What would be BEST would be if she were to be married to a very poor farmer, had a crappy wedding dress, then got jilted at the altar for not being good enough for him.

      • straffinrun

        Revenge vs rehabilitation. I’d take it if she stopped being a cunte and left it at that.

      • straffinrun

        Uh, guess I’m not very consistent.

      • Mojeaux

        Mean girls gonna mean.

      • DrOtto

        Little House – Albert’s opioid addiction played like something ripped straight from the headlines.

      • Ted S.

        I always think of Laura up in that loft, listening to the bumping and grinding from her parents that produced her kid siblings.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        That’s….that’s kinda disturbing, Ted. You don’t think about the stories presented–just a child exposed to the sounds of parental sex?

  19. Chipping Pioneer

    The important thing here is that Marshall Dillon got home safely.

  20. Festus

    Marshall Dillon is a kind man! As decent a feller as ever drew a breath! Why I oughtta…

    • Festus

      Chester? That gimpedy gum-drop no good ki-yote? He was plumb bad. He went away from Dodge fer a spell and good riddance to bad flap jacks. No sirree. Don’t think we’ll be seeing his like in Dodge fer a mighty long time… Hee hee hee hee!

      • CPRM

        Stumpy > Festus

      • Festus

        To think that I had kind words and wishes for you in the last post…

      • CPRM

        The relevant bit starts at about 15 min, sorry, this was a different video the one I was going to link that was only his part.

      • Festus

        Too late. The wishes are gone but the kind words remain. The internet is forever.

  21. creech

    I wonder what Mark McCain grew up to do? There were more than 150 episodes of the Rifleman, and Lucas averaged at least one killing per episode. How does one turn out when he sees his Paw end 150 lives?

  22. CPRM

    Have Gun. Will Travel. Is of course the best TV western. Just as Silverado is the movie western. Since you didn’t besmirch either of those (tonight), I’ll agree with you.

    • CPRM

      The second best TV western is of course The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

      • Rhywun

        That show was fun even if I saw the writing on the wall and didn’t stick it out to the end.

      • CPRM

        I was going to re-watch it this last fall, but my DVDs vanished.

      • Festus

        What? I mean Oh… That happened. Shitty.

    • kinnath

      Have Gun. Will Travel. was awesome.

      I always enjoyed the Guns of Will Sonnett.

      I found Bonanza boring for the mot part.

      • Festus

        I’m a bit younger and we had one and then much later two channels growing up. I still remember one episode each of Rat Patrol, Scooby-Doo and Combat from visiting relatives. Mom kiboshed The Brady Bunch so we had to watch stuff like That Girl.

      • Rhywun

        Mom kiboshed The Brady Bunch

        lolwut

      • straffinrun

        Have to admit I never could tell The Brady Bunch from The Partridge Family.

      • Gender Traitor

        YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTH!!!

      • straffinrun

        Same with Good Times and The Jefferson’s.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        So, you’re simply saying that they all look alike?

        /you’re invited to the next rally meeting

      • Festus

        Mom was the original third-waver. Must have sucked pretty hard to miss all that 60’s fun to stay home with brats. We’ve talked about this before, Rhywun. She would have been 19 in the “Summer of Love”.

      • Urthona

        I still want to know what happened to the Brady family in Hawaii.

      • Festus

        Tragic helicopter crash on Leper Island.

      • Urthona

        Trivia: did you know that leprosy is extremely non-contagious?

      • Festus

        Well sure! Otherwise Mother Theresa’s smug would have fallen off about fifty years ago.

      • Ted S.

        Jan met George Glass.

        (Spoiler: both the Bradys going to Hawaii and Jan meeting George Glass there happen in A Very Brady Sequel.)

      • kinnath

        I loved the Rat Patrol.

      • Festus

        Those poor stunt guys standing in the back of the jeeps… I watched about ten minutes of that show not two months ago.

      • Festus

        Bad effects, bargain basement AFV’s, bad acting… It was delicious!

      • Gender Traitor

        Partridge Family > Brady Bunch

        Fight me.

      • Urthona

        Never saw the former, but for some reason the Brady bunch was on syndication on one of the three channels my house had and saw many episodes of that dumb ass show, at least in the background.

      • CPRM

        Your grew up post Brisco County Jr and still only had 3 channels?

      • Urthona

        Not truly. But that had stuff for kids post-school. I don’t count PBS and the news block.

      • Festus

        You just had a nib-on for David Cassidy. I was a “Jan” man from a very young age. My huge crush in elementary and middle school actually wore those octogonal frames for a time.

      • Gender Traitor

        You just had a nib-on for David Cassidy.

        It’s a fair cop.

        But Laurie Partridge > Jan Brady

      • Festus

        Sure, aesthetically. Laurie Partridge was my baby-sitter but Jan Brady was in my cohort. Plus. octogal glasses…

      • Ted S.

        My sister also had those octagonal glasses. The thought of you perving on my sister, however….

    • The Hyperbole

      I never besmirched Silverado, I only pointed out the obvious – that Once Upon a Time in the West is the greatest western ever.

  23. Lackadaisical

    I hate changing timezones. Been awake since 4 a.m. and I don’t care about old timer tv/radio (what’s that? ).

  24. DrOtto

    As a kid I didn’t watch much Gunsmoke specifically because I thought Marshall Dillon was a dick. I liked CHIPs because I liked motorcycles, but Jon was intolerable. Ponch seemed to be able to see the grey in a situation better. Rockford, now there was a show. The cops were often treated with the same disdain as the crooks.

    • Timeloose

      The Rockford Files was great. Wonderful theme music as well.

  25. Heroic Mulatto

    I have nothing to add except to observe that this is some White people shit.

    • CPRM

      Well, as soon as The Outlaw Johnny Black comes out I’m gonna watch it. Will that stop your race riot?!

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        as soon as

        Yeah….”soon

    • Jarflax

      Shaft was a dick too.

      • Mojeaux

        I larfed.

    • JD is Unemployed

      Tony Jaa can’t act.

  26. straffinrun

    You’re saying it wasn’t half bad?

    • straffinrun

      Double post and my response gets stuck up like I misthreaded. Abuse of edit power, I tells ya.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

      • Festus

        Eyes are all wrong. Should be slantier.

  27. Urthona

    I think I grew up past the Western phase of television.

    The only Western I really miss is Firefly.

    • Gender Traitor

      ^!^!^!

      • Festus

        Outgrew that stuff but that Canadian guy is charming.

  28. Mojeaux

    Re Brady Bunch:

    Midcentury modern house #FTW. I really really really liked that show…for the house.

    • Urthona

      I never got tired of the zany hijinks of Alice.

      • CPRM

        She was def boning Sam the butcher.

      • Urthona

        I still remember the “very special” episode where he drives her to the clinic.

      • Timeloose

        I’m like Sam the Butcher always bringing Alice the Meat.

      • Festus

        Ground round and round?

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Ground round, lean and mean

    • Festus

      I want their lawn. And the slave.

      • Mojeaux

        Dude, it was astroturf.

      • Festus

        This is known, Khaleesi!

  29. CPRM

    News repost for the late nighters — I TERK YER JERB!…er I got a job.

    • Festus

      See! This is why we can never have nice things…

    • Urthona

      Shitlord

    • Gender Traitor

      That’s awesome!!! By the authority vested in me by my own damn self, I declare today to be an Official Frabjous Day!

      What can you tell us about it?

    • straffinrun

      Thank God. My knees were killing me.

    • Timeloose

      Congratulations.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Congratulations!

      • CPRM

        I didn’t actually Reach for the stars, but better pay and more hours than my last job, that at my age was making me feel like a guy who still thinks his garage band will hit it big one day.

      • straffinrun

        You deserve to be fired for that link.

      • CPRM

        It was meant for Gustave, not you! A link like this would be for you!

      • Chafed

        Mo should I know the lead singer in Sixx A.M. from some other band? He seems vaguely familiar but I can’t place him.

      • Mojeaux

        Naw. His name’s James Michael. He’s actually a producer by trade and just did Sixx:A.M. on a lark, thinking it was only going to be the one album (Heroin Diaries). When he was younger (he’s my age), he tried to be on stage, guitar and singer, I think, but it just didn’t work for him, so he went behind the soundboard instead.

        Sixx:A.M. never planned on doing anything else, but then 4 albums later and he became an accidental rock star.

        He’s also done backing vocals for a lot of people.

      • Chafed

        Interesting. Who or what albums in the rock/metal world has he produced?

      • Mojeaux

        Off the top of my head, he produced Saints of Los Angeles and Bat Out of Hell. Also, Papa Roach. Other than that, I can’t remember.

      • Mojeaux

        He produces a lot of pop, I think. Sixx:A.M.’s Modern Vintage sounds a bit pop-py.

    • Possibly Sir Digby

      Yeah, yeah…OK. Congrats, and all that. What is the job position task?

      • Festus

        Security. Watching over some obscure websites. Nothing that he can’t handle.

      • CPRM

        I left a pretty plain clue in response to GT above, and and in the earlier thread that I’ll be playing Big Brother.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Look, I only have two questions: How much does it pay, and, give it to me.

      • CPRM

        If you’re interested, later I can give you actual details over e-mail. Tonight I’m drinking in celebration and getting ready to record audio for a new cartoon.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Hells yeah; write that shit up, holmes!!

      • CPRM

        I think I just sent it to your current e-mail. Or it might be your old one. I’m drunk.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Got it and replied.

      • CPRM

        Saw the reply, about to pass out. I’ll keep you updated. No matter what my job commitments the Spice Cartoons will flow.

    • LemonGrenade

      Congrats! It always feels good to have a paycheck coming in.

    • Chafed

      Congratulations on the new job.

  30. straffinrun

    Doraemon is the best at explaining moral hazard.

    • Chafed

      Help a gaijin out. Who is that?

  31. commodious spittoon

    Orthodox Herbertarian, the Dune font

    Orthodox Herbertarian was created in 2009, painstakingly traced from scans of the typeface that was used on the American Ace Editions (Published by The Berkley Publishing Group) of Dune and many other Frank Herbert books (Such as Whipping Star and The Jesus Incident) for around a decade, from the early 70s through to the early 80s.

    • CPRM

      Ok Brick.

    • Rhywun

      Ha I recall that font from my paperbacks of all of those books.

      Utterly hideous, but memorable.

      • Festus

        Gah! I made it through the first book and believe you me, I read ALL the sci-fi back then.

      • Rhywun

        Dune? I’ve only read the first Dune book myself.

        I find myself re-reading his non-Dune stuff from that era much more often. They’re mostly fantastic.

      • CPRM

        There was more than one Dune? I remember being aware of Dune, both the book and the movie, and spotting a copy at my grandparent’s house. They were super churchy Lutherans and both read voraciously. I never really pieced together who was reading it until just now, and my realization after my dad died that despite him being a knife carrying ex Air Force member who was on his HS football team, he was a nerd who convinced his wife to let him hang a Star Trek The Motion Picture poster in their bedroom; now I can see my grandpa in that same light, even though he was a farmer/trucker who got run over by a bull in his 70s and made a joke. NERDS ARE EVER WHERE!

      • Rhywun

        I never realized what a huge nerd my mom was except in hindsight. You mean it wasn’t normal to take your four sons to watch ST:TMP on the midnight movie premiere?

      • Chafed

        You have/had a cool mom.

      • Rhywun

        Gone almost 12 years now 🙁

        But not forgotten.

      • Festus

        For me reading has become nearly automatic. I think half of it is just trying to make my brain go to bed. Back/forth a few hundred times like an old-timey typewriter and fade away. I’m old enough that a book hasn’t really blown me away in decades.

      • Mojeaux

        I haven’t been able to read for pleasure for years now. I miss it, but I can barely concentrate on a tweet, much less a whole book.

      • Sean

        I was a voracious reader up until I was ~ 16/17. 2019, it came back with a vengeance and continues unabated.
        ?‍♂️

  32. Mojeaux

    I am FINALLY finished for the day. Spent an hour on the ohone with XY’s middle school (that sick feeling in your stomach when you see it on your caller ID) that pretty much wiped me out for a couple of hours, but got a project done I didn’t think I’d get done till tomorrow. Mixed bag of a day.

    Tomorrow will be worse. Tuesdays always are.

    But I will be going to bed happy with my accomplishment. Now, I need to find the cat’s toy and hide it so he doesn’t bounce all over me at 3:00 a.m. wanting to play fetch.

    • Possibly Sir Digby

      Tomorrow will be worse. Tuesdays always are.

      I didn’t know you’re a dispatcher at this college, too!

      • Mojeaux

        For years, I thought I was the only one whose Tuesdays were always hellacious, then when I said aomething, other people started noticing that their Tuesdays sucked more than their Mondays.

        So, I guess it’s a thing?

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Well, to be fair, C’s observation that Thursdays are hell WAS correct for me at my last job.

        Now, it has been more Tuesdays. Still, any and all days ending in “y” can be bitchez.

      • Festus

        Mondays are for dragging one’s ass across the carpet, bitching and moaning about what a terrible day it is. Tuesdays are for closers.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Shit, if only we closed…

      • Festus

        I refuse to believe that you didn’t feature that reference, Diggy.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        I….what?

    • CPRM

      Tuesdays always are.

      Must be Thursday, never quite got the hang of Thursday.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Thursday?! Why, that’s today!!

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        She’s kinda ugly….

      • CPRM

        Oh, that one put in the playlist on our automated ‘Classic Rock’ station of my own volition.

      • CPRM

        I believe I played that at least once. It made me feel like a fraud to play music I didn’t like.

  33. Possibly Sir Digby

    BTW–This was NOT me, as I hate buses.

    • CPRM

      Anytime people try to tell me I should take public transport I remember that time when the ugly woman on the bus in Vegas was fingering herself and said something to the effect of, ‘What?! This is how I pay the bills!’ Yeah, I like having my own car.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Having your own auto allows you to be able to pay your bills.

        So, be sure to finger your Buick when yo get a moment.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Owning your own Car is essential, no doubt.in the West you are dead without one….

      • Gustave Lytton

        So you got to experience dirty Vegas?…

      • Festus

        Heh https://youtu.be/657TZDHZqj4 everything is so spread out here that I can actually understand food deserts.

    • Rhywun

      [The police] found prescription drugs and what they believe was a baggie of marijuana.

      Because of course. All that’s missing is the white women and jazz music.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Well, that’s not all that’s missing…

      • Festus

        Police did later find some wimminz hiding beneath the piano.

    • Chafed

      Me thinks thou doth protest too much.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        BOOM–caught that eye!!

    • Gustave Lytton

      God dammit Farva!

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Whoa….why you gotta be so cruel??

        I am NOT covered in powdered sugar!

        Yet.

  34. Festus

    Multi-talented and pretty elderly now. He could dress up like John Wayne Gacy and I’d still nearly suck him off for the way he arranged “In The Light”. He was the glue that held Zep together.

    • Possibly Sir Digby

      So, what say you to all the haterz out there that say he is a thief of “Black music”?

      Personally, I’m a Bonzo fan.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Peart>Bonzo

      • Festus

        Peart=technician. Bonzo=heart. Need both.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Peart=Heart and mind, Winner!
        Both dead….

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        They’re kinda equal now…

        /was just keeping it in the LZ family

    • Festus

      They had a tune or two.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        yes but their mix was horrible, Guitar heavy, and a good band,

    • Festus

      My Bro bought the “red vinyl” version of that album back in 1978 or so. Pretty sure the grooves got worn out.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        as they should, a great album..

      • Festus

        “Circumstances” is still on my work playlist forty-two years later.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        +1000

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      YYZ, is the Toronta air call sign, and the first 3 tones in the song are morse code for YYZ, true story,

    • Gustave Lytton
      • Rhywun

        ^ I like

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Which should be the Glib Anthem BTW,
      found knowledge that was withheld……

    • Festus

      My bro earned some bucks somehow after he recovered from his near fatal bout with encephalitis at 13. The first four albums that he bought were Deep Purple Machine Head, Rush 2112, Pink Floyd Animals and Led Zeppelin Presence. I’ll not forget that day until I shuffle off this mortal coil.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        perfect young guy selection, it was for me….

  35. Festus

    I bought “Permanent Waves” before any of my provincial friends did. Saw the concert. Freewill is another one on my rotation.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I don’t get the Geddy hate, what a voice….

      • Rhywun

        I don’t either. But I’m a big Priest fan so piercing shrieks are A-OK with me.

      • Rhywun

        The title song on that album contains the best shrieks in rock history.

      • Chafed

        Hell to the yeah.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        up the Volume!

  36. Gustave Lytton

    Winston’s Mom’s entrance music. Also for CPRM’s fellow bus rider in Vegas.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I saw a homelees guy attack a car in Vegas today, never seen it in Cali…

    • Possibly Sir Digby

      Was totally expecting this.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Ass, cash, or grass. She doesn’t work for free.

    • Rhywun

      They have many better songs.

    • CPRM

      I think I told this story a few weeks ago, but I’ll tell it again. One of my lady friends in college wanted to go see Wheezer when they were coming to out college. I got tickets because she asked. the opening band played, then they turned on the lights. They announced Wheezer wasn’t going to appear because their flight had been grounded in Chicago. I never wanted to see Wheezer, but that a damper on the whole night, and I never got any points with her for going to that lame concert either.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I listen, but would never pay to see Weezer, the Stones, the Who, yes, Weezer, no;….

      • CPRM

        I never would have paid either, except my little head got in the way.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        What an utter shit night.

      • Festus

        And the boys never swam again…

      • JD is Unemployed

        because their flight had been grounded in Chicago

        Not because Rivers was drunk and locked himself in the tour bus/hotel room?

      • UnCivilServant

        It was the plane bathroom, duh.

      • JD is Unemployed

        That makes sense.

  37. Yusef drives a Kia

    God! I hate those stupid beards the kids are wearing, clean it up! look decent if your going to sport a Beard FFS they can be Magnificent if you try…

    • Festus

      I had a lux one that turned calico. I remain shaven except for the porn stache and imperiale.

    • Possibly Sir Digby

      That is delightful!

    • Rhywun

      They are the definition of “acquired taste”.

      I did not acquire it.

      • Festus

        I know one “Ween” song.

      • Rhywun

        I just cued up their most popular song on Youtube and had nightmares at how awful it is.

      • Festus

        Then my work here is done. You’re welcome!

      • JD is Unemployed

        Ditto.

  38. Mojeaux

    I’m outtie people. Going to bed early tonight.

    • Festus

      Yay for good intentions! Boo for the bad! Sleep well little Mojo…

  39. Ownbestenemy

    I think i have finally broken through to my son in guitar lessons…little bastard spends 20 .minutes listening to a song and then turns around plays it.

    Told him some lessons will only strengthen his natural abilities.

    • Chafed

      Ok. That was gold.

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Utterly fantastic stuff:

        Patrick Alexander
        Replying to @JoshuaRush @SheriffAlert
        This is how I want to be described in my obituary.

    • Festus

      “Boulder McBoulderface”?

  40. Plinker762

    As mentioned above, Lucas McCain; Serial Killer or Libertarian?

    The Rifleman Kill Count

    • Festus

      Lucas McCain can Keeeeel….

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        Gettin’ them hat tricks!

    • Rhywun

      Man, she’s got a busy “day one”. How many things has she promised to do on “day one”?

      • Possibly Sir Digby

        She could add “Die of Ebola” and I would be very happy with her first day.

      • Festus

        Those elbows need a staff of their own.

      • UnCivilServant

        Pathological liar lies, news at eleven.

    • Festus

      ” I can’t believe it’s not Beeutter!”

  41. JD is Unemployed

    It’s not smart business to gouge at such an immense markup. Sure you can charge what you like, but it’s not like it’s covering overheads like schlepping the water/diesel generator/canned food all the way down to New Orleans via treacherous roads before making a modest profit. He has the water right there, and at no cost to him, the cattle could be watered. I think it’s smart business to negotiate for sustainable business. The simple “fuck you, pay me” is of course your right, but it’s not without consequences. In the market, no man is an island. Leverage wisely, and you will profit above and beyond any short-sighted competition. Oh I see we’re all done with this. In conclusion, this is all irrelevant – Dillon is a jerk.

    • The Hyperbole

      Thank you, that is the kind of insightful discussion I was hoping to generate with this post, of course the rest of the idiots here would rather parse whether Hopalong and California were a little too buddy buddy, NTTAWWT.

      • Gender Traitor

        Hey, Teh Hype – just wondered if you have access to any of the late TV episodes (late ’60s/early ’70s) to compare with the ’50s radio episodes. It might be interesting to see if Dillon changed with the times.

      • The Hyperbole

        It doesn’t appear to be streaming anywhere, looks like it’s on TV Land but I don’t even own a TV. I have heard that even the radio show lightened up/ became more family friendly as it went along, Kitty in particular going from obvious prostitute to saloon owner, Doc became more likable and such.

      • The Hyperbole

        Marshal Dillon remains an asshole throughout however, I also recently heard one of the later radio episodes and he’s still yelling at people and bossing them around when he has no official reason to do so. In this case some widow is trying to steal another woman’s husband, the wife shoots at the widows feet to warn her off, Matt is tasked with arresting the wife but instead goes to the widow’s and forces her and the husband to go back to the the wife’s place to ‘settle this thing once and for all’

      • leon

        Sounds kinky

    • l0b0t

      Amen. I might even suggest a cut rate price (or even free) on water access, then gouge them all on trinkets and sundries – “Well boys, while y’all are here, how ’bout some whiskey and rubber tommy-hawks?!?”

      Don’t they even roadside, brah?

  42. UnCivilServant

    Left my phone at work overnight.

    No missed calls.

    I feel so wanted.

    • JD is Unemployed

      🙁

    • Sean

      My boss butt dialed me last night. That was it.

      *shrug*

      I don’t know how that’s still a thing.

      • UnCivilServant

        Voice activation.

        *in argument* “You’re not who I call asshole.”

        Phone: “Calling ‘Asshole’.”

        “Uhh, sorry, I ‘must have ‘butt-dialed’.”

      • Sean

        I guess he could have been arguing with Siri.

      • UnCivilServant

        You know I insult only for the purposes of humor.

      • Sean

        LOL. That’s not even an insult to me. ?

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ll have to try harder next time :p

    • Gender Traitor

      Your adoring public is online, eagerly awaiting more of your writing.

      No phone calls is a win in my book.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have an eye exam this afternoon. A new perscription might ease the eye strain and help me to focus.

      • Gender Traitor

        A new monocle can make all the difference.

    • Fourscore

      I had a phone call once. Telemarketer but he said it was the wrong number when I answered.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s real easy to recognize my phone among the touch screen monstrosities foating around these days.

  43. hayeksplosives

    Man!! What rotten sleep. I keep having nightmares.

    It’s the pits. Wish me luck on my upcoming attempt to get a few more hours in….

    • UnCivilServant

      Oh right, it’s about 4am there.

      Good luck. I assume you don’t get up around Ted’S wake-up time.

  44. JD is Unemployed

    I have some welding to do that I’ve been putting off for a long time because it’s a rocker (sills) repair on a car and it means lying on cold gravel and lots of grinding, getting dirty, and cold. I loathe doing that. If I had a nice big garage with a lift, and plenty of lighting and space to work, I’d be all over it, but I’m a fairweather mechanic/welder. I resent dragging all my gear out. Last time I did that I ran out of welding wire, and the time before I ran out of gas. I refuse to pay anyone to do that kind of work. Ugh. Ain’t nothin’ to it but to do it.

  45. Gender Traitor

    New Cat has finally set me free by getting down off my lap. Thanks goodness – I don’t have to call in “trapped.”