“I can’t believe John Bolton’s Mustache would do this to us,” the hat said while gently urinating on the front page of The New York Times.
“Someone has to clean that up, you know,” the hair said.
“They’ll make a movie about this. Betrayed By Facial Hair: The Hat and Hair Story,” the hat said, crawling away from his own waste.
“It’s running off the edge of the desk,” the hair said.
“Did you see Mitt Romney drinking milk on the Senate floor?” the hat asked, dropping down to Donald’s office chair. “Slick-haired Mormon faggot. I knew we couldn’t trust him either.”
“Romney was always a #NeverTrumper,” the hair said darkly.
“Bolton was probably a secret #NeverTrumper,” the hat said darklier.
“The damn mustache was always taking notes!” Donald yelled from his blanket fort. “I can’t stand people taking notes!”
“A mustache ain’t people,” the hair growled.
“A mustache is not a hat,” the hat replied.
“They take their notes and they write their books and they leak their books and then they testify,” Donald whispered.
MEANWHILE…
“Do you feel it, Huma?” Hillary asked. “Trump will be impeached and the stars will come right for my Becoming.”
“Yes, my love,” Huma whispered. She hid her black eye behind enormous sunglasses.
Hillary thrashed in her immersion tank and emitted a moaning wail through her fluted vagina.
“More!” Hillary said with her mouthparts. “More impeachment elixir!”
Huma twisted the valve and a fresh wave of Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry flowed over Hillary’s veinous bulk.
MEANWHILE…
“Of course I’m electable!” Bernie said, clutching his chest on the Senate floor.
“Just water and milk?” Elizabeth asked for the hundredth time.
“Yes, just water and milk,” Amy said for the hundredth time. “Why did they make me sit with you two?”
“Is just like a debate stage!” Bernie shouted. “I should be in Iowa and instead I’m here!”
“Settle down, Bernie,” Elizabeth said.
“Do they not have raw milk? I love raw milk! Vermont raw milk!” Bernie whined.
“Have some water, Bernie,” Elizabeth said. “You need to stay hydrated.”
Bernie groaned and clutched chest. “Amy?” he asked. “Have you ever been in a threesome with two elderly Senators?”
Amy, her face screwed up even tighter than her normal scowl, moved way from Bernie and Liz.
“Wait, don’t go, give it a minute. That initial nausea might pass,” Elizabeth whispered, winking and letting a little milk dribble into her lap seductively. “You could put whatever you wanted into my swear jar.”
Amy’s womb clenched in disgust.
“We’d let you enact ALL the labor, Amy,” Bernie groaned.
MEANWHILE…
Donald settled himself further into his blanket fort. He muttered, “I’m going to kill that goddamn mustache.”
“No, Donald, stop,” the hat said morosely. “The Babylon Bee already stole that joke.”
Hah!
I knew the Bee would get a shot.
Hillary thrashed in her immersion tank and emitted a moaning wail through her fluted vagina.
Like some freakish sea monster. Brilliant!
Hillary + vagina = ???
She is Ursula form that Disney flick about some mermaid??
[does “little mermaid” search on Pornhub]
This is great. And as a bonus it doesn’t give me nightmares like Subaru Horror Theater.
Lucky me, I am always eating lunch when these post.
It’s not like the schedule is random. They release the same time every week.
And I have lunch the same time every day. *sigh*
You don’t think SugarFree planned it that way do you? Because I do. I definitely do.
100%
Craftsmen do nothing unintentionally.
lololol!
One of my favorite pastimes is to go to knife shows and look at the “creative” pieces. You can usually tell what it was originally going to be before that blade broke.
I wouldn’t be so quick to blame the mustache, he’s about war, the host body is about politics. (Also, heads up to the PTB that I submitted something last night.)
And, Huzzah!
Blanket fort? Did he reinforce it with the couch cushions?
That is the proper way of doing it.
He worked in development. You’d hope he would know this.
And he learned from the structural failures of the pillow fort he made with Erdogan.
Not if it wasn’t required by the building code.
Are we to infer that Huma’s black eye is from Hillary hitting her?
Prehensile clit hit.
Damn your nimble fingers!
Like something out of a Brian Lumley novel.
Are we to infer that Huma’s black eye is from Hillary hitting her?
Hillary kicked her when they were scissoring.
There goes my lunch.
Check
Check!!
Check
Anyone want to join my class action?
Just remember, if you want to try pushing a suit against someone who can think up stuff like that, you’re pushing a suit against the sort of person who can think up stuff like that.
/backs away from Jarflax
Can the defendant claim that by reading the cause of the emotional distress the plaintiff took on responsibility for the emotional distress by the act of reading? Of course I notice there is no warning that the material may not be suitable for younger or more sensitive readers.
Bah. This is safer for kids than most modern history textbooks.
Can the defendant claim that by reading the cause of the emotional distress the plaintiff took on responsibility for the emotional distress by the act of reading?
He enticed me to read it with his innocent sounding name and colorful imagery!
Attractive nuisance leading to emotional distress. I’ll allow it.
So my cartoons are like making Joe Camel cartoons?…………..
*Has new pitch for Adult Swim*
I just opened a peanut that had 3 nuts inside, jackpot! It’s my lucky week!
Time to buy a Powerball ticket.
[Insert porn joke here]
darklier
My fiction writing textbook warned against using adverbs, but now I see it was all wrong.
Was the textbook written by a successful novelist?
No, an academatician who was never published – even Amazon rejected them.
/Ihavenoidea
Oh, I think you have an idea. And I think it matches my own idea. I took a creative writing course many years ago and dropped it when the Professor got snarky when asked about his publication history. Sorry, but if you want to teach a skill as opposed to a purely academic subject, you better have that skill.
It was Stephen King’s On Writing, so take that for whatever it’s worth. I enjoyed it more than I enjoyed the novels of his I picked up afterward. (Didn’t finish either of ’em.)
I had to read it for a writing class years ago and I enjoyed it. And found it useful. Writer friends at the time who viewed King with a mix of scorn, envy, and respect, basically took the view that it was an instruction manual by Stephen King on how to write like Stephen King, a man who believes Stephen King is the finest author of novels writing today. But, they also said that there was a lot of good advice in it and if you followed it you might not write anything extraordinary but you’d avoid writing anything awful.
I haven’t read On Writing although Mr. Mojeaux does. We have every book he has published so far (Mr. Mojeaux is a huge fan). I don’t begrudge the man his success, but I wish he’d just shut up about his politics and write. He has a garret and a typewriter and enough success to secrete himself away. It’s what most writers dream of.
He’s been a big advocate for genre fiction as “legitimate” literature (which, I really hate that label) and has had a little success at that, but only for himself, which he did not really intend. He was honored at a literature conference/luncheon/workshop/whatever and gave a speech that roundly trashed most everybody in the room. I wish I had that link.
I haven’t read anything of his since I was a teenager. I glommed everything he had written to date and never picked him up again, which is just what I do.
I still have no idea what ‘non-genre’ fiction even is.
Yeah, his political shit absolutely kills me. I admire his work ethic maybe more than his writing these days just because I think the fame from his earlier work (which is deserved) makes it easier for him to churn out B-grade fiction and still make bestseller sales. I’m probably not alone in that he was my gateway into horror fiction, but at the same time he sucked so much air out of the room that he was the only horror author I read for years; I just wasn’t aware there was anyone else worth reading, other than maybe Clive Barker.
@UCS:
I was told by a lit teacher in community college that “non-genre” or “literary fiction” refers to stories where nothing happens. I find it’s a workable definition.
I suppose that’s as good a descriptor as can be had.
“makes it easier for him to churn out B-grade fiction and still make bestseller sales”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMZONL8x8NE
LOL That is chock-full of bitterness. I love it.
I think of it as middle-aged men documenting their mid-life crises and sexual fantasies. I know it’s not fair and I know Not All Male Litrachoor Authors.
Christopher Moore is funny, but humor never lent itself to the approbation of litrachoor consumers. Look what happened when Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for My Cousin Vinny. Apparently being funny is not ACTing.
A lot of “literary fiction” nowadays is of the “magical realism” bent. I think Life of Pi fits that bill as well as (I think) some Salman Rushdie.
It can hardly be called “Art” if the vulgar masses enjoy it now, can it?
The People of Walmart, indeed.
I grew tired of King after a while, but I tell ya, this Richard Bachman kid knows how to spin a yarn!
Did you read “Telling Lies for Fun and Profit”? It was an entertaining read.
I did not, but thanks for the reminder. I’ll look for that as soon as I get my Nook in range of some secure wifi.
I don’t normally plug other people’s books, but…
SF doesn’t write stories, he transcribes the Fates.
Also, whenever I hear (or read) about language rules, it reminds me of this.
“I notice you have braces. I have braces, too.”
I don’t recall SF ever using the word “queefly”.
I think it was in one of the Pie poems, but I had to edit it out for reasons of scansion.
My fiction writing textbook warned against using adverbs, but now I see it was all wrong.
“Fiction writing textbook”
And people wonder why I say it all sounds the same.
Give me some idiosyncratic verbiage, plz.
Anybody else seen the ads for that new movie? The one where Gretel finally smashed through the glass ceiling and got top billing?
No justice, no fairy tales!
Are you assuming Gretel’s gender?
Not cool.
Based on her hair, Gretel is a lesbian. And sort of depressed.
Yeah, rolled my eyes at that one.
Eh, I didn’t mind that so much, but the lack of imagination in titling the movie is rather irritating. Really? Couldn’t do better than switch the names?
Giving a female character top billing has been done anyway, as Whoever Slew Auntie Roo? is a variation on the Hansel and Gretel story.
Shelley Winters is as fun as always.
I’m contemplating a story with fairy tale villains, most notably, Krampus (who is the wife of Santa Claus) and the witch in H&G as Santa’s annoying sister-in-law.
Yes really.
That sets up one hell of a romantic entanglement, but if it sells I guess I have no argument.
Let me guess, Gretel turns out to be both a fully trained ninja and a powerful wizardress, despite no training in either who saves the world from the patriarchy-controlled witch?
I’ll guess the witch is actually a warlock.
Way to ruin Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry for me ??
He had nothing to do with it. It was always vomit. The scales have finally fallen from your
eyestaste buds, dude.There always was something… off about it. But I’m not sure it’s quite unholy enough to nourish Herself. Also remember that JD comes from a places where Irn Bru exists, so DCDP is a massive step up.
That is a very good point. Irn-bru doesn’t do so well outside of Scotland, though. If I want to taste rust I can go outside and lick my car.
Lol! I was in Edinburgh, recognized it from many Rebus books and decided to try one.
Vile.
One sip and binned.
You’re the guy who drinks it?
https://www.complex.com/life/2020/01/peta-calls-for-punxsutawney-phil-to-be-replaced-by-animatronic-groundhog
?
Only if afterward, a member of PETA eats it.
I agree. The PETA member should have to eat the animatronic groundhog.
“These bolts hurt my teef.”
“Shut up, hippie.”
A groundhog would be too big to eat, so it should be surgically inserted into the stomach. Then activated.
surgically inserted into the stomach
Through the rectum?
Christ Almighty! Why?! My guess is that Puxatawney Phil has, by groundhog standards, a life of unparalleled leisure. Replace him with a fake groundhog and he’s roadkill inside of two weeks. Is it really too much to expect these sociopaths to actually care about the well-being of animals?
The organization that euthanizes lost pets? Yeah, that’s probably too much to expect.
He does have the risk of being killed by New York Mayors.
If I hadn’t seen the link I’d have assumed that was the Bee.
PETA is almost impossible to satirize. I joked back in the early 90s they would one day call owning pets a form of slavery and was roundly called unfair and mean. And PETA rose to the occasion.
These idiots were trying to stop animal testing while being led by an insulin-dependant diabetic.
Supposedly PETA’s “shelter” program, where they basically just grab lost pets and kill them, is based on their opposition to having pets. I seriously couldn’t hate an organization more than PETA. I would jump for fucking joy if their HQ burned to the ground with all the upper management inside.
It’s actually “nth trimester abortion” for those animals.
They’re just making the hard choices in order to restore teacup poodles to their natural state in the wild.
Groundhog, gopher, close enough.
Y’all Glibs need more religion in your lives. Here’s just the lady to convince you.
So should I build a shrine to
Mithra
Dionysus or
Odin ?
Well, there’s an overabundance of shrines to Tlaloc and Molech, so don’t go with those guys.
I’m fond of Aphrodite Kallipygos.
Q would quibble I’m sure, but I can’t be bothered to find the Greek translation of “stonkin honkers”
Thank you for linking that without some YouTuber’s commentary!
Did drugs fall out of her ass?
Not enough room, what with the giant stick she has up there.
Don’t talk about her like that! She is trying to save your motherfucking life!
Elizabeth whispered, winking and letting a little milk dribble into her lap seductively. “You could put whatever you wanted into my swear jar.”
That is poetry right there.
It is magnificent.
Oh. I read that as “sweat jar”.
For the reference:
Warren announces new plan to combat infectious diseases like coronavirus
Just when I thought she couldn’t get more insufferable.
Speaking of “Haaaahn-sull?” and Gretel, and Hillary: In virtually every photo I saw of her during the 2016 election campaign , she looked exactly as if she was preparing to shove a couple of juicy children into an oven.
That snippet of Hillary and Huma is one of the best yet. So much scary in so few words.
A corrupt Democrat?
I’m shocked. Also, I do believe he’s a gun grabber. He’s gonna be grabbing some big guns in Federal prison.
The Ministry of Truth will be along to rebrand this criminal a Republican.
His son is a member of the general assembly. I wonder if anyone is looking into him as well. Good thing Kathleen Kane squashed those earlier investigations into Philly’s corruption.
I think the distinction here is that he’s in Philly.
You’ve got to try real hard to stand out as corrupt in that city.
The guy’s kind of a Top Men douchebag, but he can occasionally do the funny:
https://xkcd.com/2261/
His politics ain’t great, but he can be funny. And What If? is a fun book.
He generally doesn’t get political in his comics.
One of my recent favorites.
https://xkcd.com/2259/
Topical.
Last night’s OS patches broke an application until about noon today.
There is probably a story behind this photo:
https://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/2020/01/10/check-gun-safe-for-cat/
One of mine runs from any part of the house to get in the fridge as soon as the door opens. Tries to climb the shelves. Weirdo.
Business journalism
On Monday, 350 Amazon employees issued public statements on Medium in their own names. The authors were deliberately violating a company ban that forbids employees from commenting publicly on the company’s business without obtaining prior permission. Some of the statements criticized Amazon’s actions thus far on climate change, calling them insufficient. Some did not comment on climate change, but criticized the no-public-statements policy itself. Some even complimented Amazon, encouraging it to continue its efforts to reduce its carbon footprint — but that didn’t matter, since any kind of public statement violated the policy. All the statements came with the same implicit challenge: “Fire us — all 350 of us — if you dare.”
——-
It’s hard to keep from thinking that Amazon has painted itself into a corner here. If it does nothing, it will be seen as backing down, and its policies may not be taken seriously. If it fires some or all of the employees who wrote the Medium post, it risks an exponentially larger amount of the negative publicity Google got after it fired two activist employees late last year, even though Google said the firings were because the employees had violated policies about accessing and sharing internal documents, and not because of activism.
Besides, in today’s tight labor market, Amazon probably doesn’t want to fire these employees. It seems likely that those who’d be most willing to put their names to the public statements are those who know they’ll easily find work elsewhere, either because they have hard-to-find skills or because they’re really good at what they do.
Or, maybe they’re a bunch of obnoxious whining malcontents who aren’t particulrly good at what they do, and spend their day impeding the efforts of others to do the jobs they were hired (and being paid quite well) for.
Amazon needs to get the fuck out of Washington state.
Maybe it “needs” but does it want to? Amazon is not one big entity (collective or otherwise), there are a bunch of decision makers there who, to be blunt, don’t want to live in Deplorable Country. They like their social circle, they like sushi, they like evergreen trees and bike paths and Not Being Southerner, and all the Good Things one finds in Blue Cities. That it costs company extra money and detracts from stated core service is no skin off their nose. They get paid first.
Just like they may have made a bunch of hick cities jump and slobber at the prospect, but still chose DC (OK, on this one I’m willing to go with “don’t blame the player, blame the game”) and New York. And when they got cockslapped in New York? They went for another try.
Likewise, had 350 Amazon employees under their names demanded…I dunno, immediate strict implementation of E-Verify, handing over all illegals working at Amazon to ICE and strict enforcement of all immigration labor regulation in their company, they’d be terfed yesterday and no one would give a damn. Of course, the very idea is absurd, because even if 350 employees at a step above entry level warehouse staff who think so maybe exist, no way in hell would they be stupid enough to say it.
Yep. Fire them.
Air traffic controllers: Fire us. We dare you.
Reagan: Done.
My mom raved about that. Probably the only political statement I ever heard from her.
Raved as in Woo hoo! or as in Boo hiss!?
Raved as in glow sticks and MDMA
Woo hoo!
A friend in the chess club was one of those fired controllers. He moved away to find some job not as good as what he lost.
If they don’t fire them, they’re fools.
The fuck where? Citation desperately needed.
Nationwide (Jan 2020) 3.5%
https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/empsit.pdf
Seattle (Dec) 2.2%
https://www.bls.gov/eag/eag.wa_seattle_md.htm
I am embarking upon homemade mac & cheese and a Dutch apple pie for Mr. Mojeaux.
“Prepare your taste buds delight! For I, Mojo Jojo, am not only the number one villain in Townsville, but I am also… number one chef in Townsville!”
Indeed!
My daughter would like to come over for dinner.
If they don’t fire them, they’re fools.
I wonder how many of their co-workers are secretly rooting for Bezos to start clearing away some of the activist chaff.
They have to be morale killers. Office politics up the wazoo.
I wouldn’t last a day there.
2020 has already been a gem of a year. I can’t even imagine the glory that will be SugarFree 2020 Election Coverage. My body is ready, and my mind a quivering heap of thought fragments shattered by repeated exposure to SugaFree’s work.
Live as Warty: get swole, glare, read Stoic philosophy and make your pecs dance like nobody’s watching.
https://twitchy.com/sarahd-313035/2020/01/29/hit-a-nerve-gop-rep-lee-zeldin-tells-nbc-news-heidi-przybyla-and-media-firefighters-that-theyre-doing-a-great-job-as-schiffs-shills-video/
Lee Zeldin gets the restraint award for not telling that reporter to STFU and let him answer her question.
I think Stefanik is the congresswoman and she gets an award for straight up not choking that bitch.