Monday Afternoon Links

by | Feb 10, 2020 | Daily Links | 319 comments

Ugh. I’m getting too old to do overnight environment refreshes. I need a sharp 20-something to take this over for me. I am just dying up here this afternoon. Also sitting through a deeply detailed meeting that I should be paying more attention to, but hopefully my business analyst is getting good notes.

I’m not really into being trapped on a boat with several thousand people for ANY length of time, so having my tour extended by quarantine is basically Hell on Earth to me.

Huh, I always thought “models” was more of a polite euphemism.

This may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. The Iranian government built an American flag factory so they’d have flags to burn? Fan-fucking-tastic.

Romney’s CPAC invitation revoked because his physical safety would be in danger by… a pack of conservative nerds? Bruh. Just tell him he can’t come because he’s not a Trumpublican.

 

About The Author

Brett L

Brett L

Brett set out to find America, the real America, the America of strip malls and serial killers, of butthole waxing and kelp smoothies, of cocaine and maggots. He sought it in the most American part of America—Florida: swamp gas and fever dreams, where love arrives on a rickety boat and leaves when it doesn't have the money for its fourth abortion. Oh, where has Brett gone? He’s drinking at the neck of America’s wang, chewing its foreskin and working its shaft. Brett is becoming legend. Brett can never die. Brett can never die. Brett is America, facedown in his own patriotic puke: the red his blood, the white his stomach lining, and the cold, cold blue his gas station slushie, spiked with coconut rum and tetracycline.

319 Comments

  1. JaimeRoberto Delecto

    I thought of saying “First!”, but I’m better than that.

    • #5

      Me too….

    • Rebel Scum

      but I’m better than that

      I’m not.

  2. #5

    “I’m not really into being trapped on a boat with several thousand people for ANY length of time, so”
    WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!
    Second!

  3. Rebel Scum

    ‘Imagine being trapped in your bathroom’ — what it’s like on coronavirus-quarantined cruise ship

    Better than being trapped without a bathroom.

    • Ted S.

      Eh, just pee out the porthole into the ocean.

      • AlexinCT

        But dump in the sink?

      • C. Anacreon

        Any porthole in a storm, as they say.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Our septic broke just as my wife and son came down with norovirus. It took a week to get an excavator out here and fix the line.

      The son was in diapers at the time, so the ridiculous number of diapers a day wasn’t fun but at least the toilet didn’t matter. Unfortunately, I had to keep the toilet lined with kitchen trash bags for the wife, tie them up afterwards, and take them to the dump. At least the system was fixed when I came down with a milder case (having had it before) a week later.

      • C. Anacreon

        Doesn’t having norovirus mean you can only use outboard motors?

    • The Last American Hero

      If they really wanted to piss off the administration, they would play the Star Spangled Banner in the town square and have everybody take a knee.

      There Iran, I just saved you a few rials.

  4. Rebel Scum

    An Iran plant makes the US flags protesters burn

    The world is not a tragedy. It is a comedy.

    • UnCivilServant

      Are they quality flags?

      • Playa Manhattan

        Very flammable, like kids’ pajamas.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Capitalism, FTW!

  5. CPRM

    MAGA Prime is the one who they protecting Romney from, he was ganna wear Mittens and make him beat the shit out of himself Fight Club style.

    • Tonio

      Teaser for forthcoming episode?

  6. Florida Man

    Romney’s CPAC invitation revoked because his physical safety would be in danger by… a pack of conservative nerds? Bruh. Just tell him he can’t come because he’s not a Trumpublican.-

    Dumb. Let him come. Let him get heckled. This feeds his martyr complex and he doesn’t have to lift a finger.

    • C. Anacreon

      Again with the idea that Trump supporters put opponents’ lives at risk, with zero evidence whatsoever.

      The impeachment whistleblower’s life would be in jeopardy if his name was revealed?
      Romney’s in danger for voting for removal?

      Really, the worst thing that the Trump fans ever seem to do is clean up after themselves.

      If only these people were just ten percent as concerned about Antifa activities as they are about these very minor risks.

    • hayeksplosives

      Nice going, Bruce and Sheila!

    • Count Potato

      That must be a fairly powerful drone if it can carry a case of wine.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        That was the first thought I had – it was 2 cases – that’s 80-100 lbs; either that’s a big-ass drone or it made multiple trips (or the story is bullshit).

      • grrizzly

        In the circumstances, I’d make a case for hard liquor.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I was also wondering what they were planning on doing with the wine once they were allowed to leave the boat? They’ve got 11 more days on board.

        Though 2 Aussies and 24 bottles of wine in 11 days isn’t really much of a stretch. If I wasn’t working, I suppose I could handle that myself.

      • Tundra

        The hangover would kill me. Apparently the sufites or something hate me.

        /worst Italian ever

      • Count Potato

        I read the wine in Italy doesn’t have sulfites.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Yep, saw those – looks like the Griff Guardian is the only one that could do it in one go – and it’s not at all clear if that’s actually for sale yet.

    • Ted S.

      Good wine, or Aussie Shiraz?

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I spy a bottle of Kim Crawford pinot noir – so, “eh”.

      • C. Anacreon

        Ha-ha, Shiraz you are.

      • Shirley Knott

        It was …weird… when that became Eric Cartman’s line in an episode or three.

  7. Playa Manhattan

    “Smith, who is confined in a suite”

    I assure you that other people have it worse.

    • Florida Man

      Jennifer Anniston flew coach one time.

      • Playa Manhattan

        Tap water. Tap. Water.

    • grrizzly

      Sailing on a cruise ship seems to be as appealing as flying in a helicopter.

  8. hayeksplosives

    Dang it, my last post was dead-threaded.

    Pasting from previous:

    I finally read the article on Uncle Joe’s “lying dog-faced pony soldier” comment. Holy cow. In what universe is talking that way to a young democrat voter, whom you’d like to appeal to as a candidate, OK?! If I were an aspiring Dem campaigner, I’d flee to another candidate.

    Looking back, I can think of a few moments that doomed a presidential candidate.

    1980s: Gary Hart photographed with a mistress on a yacht.

    Michael Dukakis wearing a helmet in a tank.

    Howard Dean’s awkward “Yee-AARGH!!” yell.

    John Kerry on a windboard (wetsuit and all)

    Frankly, I thought Obama’s “You didn’t build that!” Would be one of those moments.

    Biden’s “lying dog-faced pony soldier” has got to be right up there.

    • Playa Manhattan

      Playing the tough guy doesn’t work when you’re senile and your testosterone production is down 85%.

    • Florida Man

      It’s just a weird insult. I don’t even understand it, unless it was a common phrase in the 1920’s.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Remember this is coming from the engineer behind the “No Malarkey” express.

      • Bobarian LMD

        He’s a bad dude, he was ready to take on Corn Pop and his straight razor with just a pool chain!

      • B.P.

        I wonder if Biden’s staff is forced to act like the cast of The Little Rascals in order to keep the campaign going.

      • Spudalicious

        It’s a line from a John Wayne movie. A pony soldier was an Indian that went to the Army side and fought against Indians.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Apparently, that’s not even true – Ol’ Joe is confusing John Wayne with Tyrone Power.

        TW: Slate

      • Spudalicious

        Ha!

      • Tundra
      • Florida Man

        I read the slate article because I googled the phrase. He can’t even remember beloved movies, but he’s going to run the country?

    • Chipwooder

      The best part about Gary Hart was that the pics were the result of him goading reporters to follow him around.

      • hayeksplosives

        Ha! I did not know that. It was the first presidential election I paid attention to.

      • C. Anacreon

        I’m guessing you also didn’t own the Playboy magazine with the nekkid pix of Gary Hart’s boat mistress.

      • Sensei

        +1

        Related: See my comment to you above

      • Enough About Palin

        I worked with a guy whose brother had a studio (sound of video, I forget). Anyway, Gary Hart did a commercial there post-yacht pic and Hart let the guy have a picture taken with him. His brother showed me the picture and Hart looked like absolute shit.

    • Atanarjuat

      I remember the John Kerry windsurfing pic, and seem to recall spin saying it showed how youthful and fit he was. Didn’t know it was seen more widely as a negative.

      • Chipwooder

        He was continually dogged by a reputation of being an elitist rich asshole. The windsurfing pics did not help dispel that.

    • mikey

      His getting away with “Bleeding from her whatever” convinced me Trump was on his way to the WH. Never. Apolgize

  9. Gadfly

    Huh, I always thought “models” was more of a polite euphemism.

    FTA:

    Fashion label Namilia deconstructed Asian stereotypes in the porn industry, empowering the demure, submissive woman with bold dominatrix looks worn exclusively by Asian models at Sunday’s show, including several Pornhub actors.

    Drop the “deconstructed” and “empowering” pablum and just admit you have a fetish. It’s OK.

    • Count Potato

      “Pornhub actors”

      I think they mean pornstars.

    • Atanarjuat

      She walked the show wearing a sexy, black kimono-style bodysuit. When she unfurled her arms, fabric hung dramatically to the floor with a reference to wrecking male genitalia.

      Terrible, confusing writing by these particular Journalos.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        If you need a paragraph to explain your art. The art isn’t doing its job.

      • Shirley Knott

        I get ‘kimono-style.’ I get ‘bodysuit,’. I do not get ‘kimono-style body suit.’ That’s gibberish.

    • Atanarjuat

      Nothing is off limits for the Berlin-based brand, composed of Pfohl and Nan Li, who met in design school. Their first collection, whose title can’t be repeated, featured vagina-empowering references to pop idols including

      The Cunt Collection?

      • R C Dean

        vagina-empowering references

        “I’m a giant pussy”?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Needs more gender studies buzzwords

    • Playa Manhattan

      “The reason many doctors have previously insisted the G-spot doesn’t exist is because it cannot be felt in many women unless they are in a state of sexual arousal”

      Get a better doctor

      • DEG

        These euphemisms.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Does your Doctor normally arouse your G-spot?

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I’ve seen a documentary…

      • C. Anacreon

        Does your Doctor normally arouse your G-spot?

        Only if they call him “Doctor Love”.

  10. DEG

    Near the hometown of the late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, workers at a small Iranian factory diligently add all 50 stars and 13 red-and-white bars to what are supposed to be U.S. flags, and carefully imprint the blue Star of David on Israeli ones.

    That’s even as all their work is destined to go up in flames.

    The company Diba Parcham Khomein serves as a major producer for the American and Israeli flags constantly burned at pro-government rallies in the Islamic Republic. Such flag-burnings are a sign of support for Iran’s embattled clerical rulers and a throwback to the iconic images of the 1979 Islamic Revolution that branded the U.S. Iran’s greatest foe and the “Great Satan.”

    That’s an interesting take on digging holes and filling them back up.

    • The Other Kevin

      Is it that much different than a piñata?

      • Not Adahn

        much less candy.

      • DEG

        And less fun

  11. Rebel Scum

    A reassuring statement from the Virginia State Revenue agen – uh – Police

    Breitbart News called the Virginia State Police and noted Democrats are passing legislation to ban various firearm accessories. We specifically mentioned the suppressor ban which is currently moving through the state legislature and asked if, “Virginia State Police will go door-to-door to get those.”

    The public relations official did not respond with a direct answer “yes” or “no” on going door-to-door. Rather, she said, “[No laws] have gone into effect, no laws have been formalized or finalized.”

    She said they do not, “do the speculation because nothing’s been passed into formal law,” but made clear that their job is to “enforce and comply with the laws” once they are on the books.

    • Chipwooder

      I really don’t want to flee the state, but they’re sure as hell trying to push me out the door.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Nothing is off limits for the Berlin-based brand, composed of Pfohl and Nan Li, who met in design school. Their first collection, whose title can’t be repeated, featured vagina-empowering references to pop idols including Nicki Minaj, Rihanna and Miley Cyrus.

    How delightful.

  13. Gadfly

    This may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. The Iranian government built an American flag factory so they’d have flags to burn? Fan-fucking-tastic.

    Also from the picture it looks like they do a brisk business in Israeli flags. And the American flags actually look decent, so I guess kudos to the factory workers for doing such a fine job on the decorative kindling. The whole thing is rather amusing.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      The way that TV news story is framed is nonsense. What kind of idiot wouldn’t be able to realize that was an edited video?

      • Ted S.

        Pelosi?

    • Florida Man

      Technically all those events were part of the speech so the video, though edited, is factually correct.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It’s just saying that all of those stories and the people in them were disrespected and an eighth grader would have the sense to figure that out. They’re being willfully obtuse and they know it.

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        And she said every page was a lie.

  14. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Suppressors require a tax stamp and further paperwork and authorizations. There’s no doubt they know where almost all of them are and suppressor owners will probably be the first to get the knock on the door (and by that I mean raided).

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’m gonna guess that they get a form letter first reminding them of the new law and requesting a response of a) they no longer have it/have it in VA jurisdiction (and request who/where it went to) or b) arrange to surrender it.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Some women find it easier to have someone else locate their G-spot

    You don’t say.

    • Timeloose

      Enacting my labor again.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      At some point it just gets kind of sad doesn’t it?

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      Damn, EmRat sure looks good.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      So is Alice Cooper. But if it still makes them money, why not.

      • Count Potato

        Afaik, Alice Cooper only wears make-up on stage.

      • #5

        ^this, once you get the double chin going, the Eyeliner just looks silly…

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That’s why you grow a beard

      • #5

        no thanks, I’m not playing Santa….

    • wdalasio

      Wow. So many people in whose company I have no desire to ever be in.

  16. Gadfly

    Funny story: Nevada union warns members of Sanders, Warren health plans

    The casino workers’ Culinary Union, a 60,000-member group made up of housekeepers, porters, bartenders and more who work in Las Vegas’ famed casinos, began distributing leaflets in employee dining rooms this week that push back against “Medicare For All,” the plan from Sanders and Warren to move to a government-run health insurance system.

    Someone realized that a government-run healthcare system is inferior to plush union insurance. Oops.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Unchained

    Donald Trump is moving fast in the wake of his impeachment trial to use the government to punish his enemies and pursue his political ends, underlining how his acquittal has helped make him one of history’s most powerful modern Presidents.
    Trump has meted out retribution to officials who testified against him in the impeachment inquiry, is making a push to defy Congress in funding his border wall and appears to be seeking new ways to hector former Vice President Joe Biden after facing down a mortal threat to his presidency.
    He is completing his project of fashioning the office around his own personality. It’s unrestrained, unaccountable, often profane, impervious to outside influence and factual constraints of normal governance. The President has established dominance over his party, his Cabinet and his own media complex. He loosened Congress’s constraints by refusing to cooperate with the impeachment probe.
    The result is that there are very few political constraints on his behavior left.

    President Cartoon Villain is making a shambles of democracy.

    • Tundra
    • Not Adahn

      “mortal threat”

      Tee hee. You’re so cute.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      Firing a bunch of people who work for you is “us[ing] the government to punish his enemies”

      • Ted S.

        He should have sicced the IRS on them.

      • Gadfly

        A bunch of people who clearly didn’t want to work for him, since they wanted him impeached. He’s just granting them their wish, after a fashion.

    • leon

      underlining how his acquittal has helped make him one of history’s most powerful modern Presidents.

      Didn’t Schiff argue that if Trump was acquitted it would mean he could sell Alaska to the Russians in turn for them to rig the election for him? CNN is just playing party organ to the Deep State part of the Democratic Party

      • Atanarjuat

        The 1890s called, they want their foreign policy back.

      • invisible finger

        Derp State

    • Rhywun

      his own media complex

      *snort*

    • Q Continuum

      RETRABYOOSHUN!

      Hey dipshits, maybe try not stabbing your boss in the back if you wanna keep your job.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Firing a bunch of people who work for you is “us[ing] the government to punish his enemies”

    The government guaranteed those people lifetime employment with no strings attached. You can look it up in your copy of the Social Contract, if you doubt my word.

    • leon

      Well I’ll be Damned. I never noticed Article F paragraph Y, section T, subsection W before…

  19. Rebel Scum

    Zachary school teacher accused of sexual misconduct turns herself into parish prison

    She will be charged with one count of felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile, one count of indecent behavior with a juvenile, and two counts of contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile. Additional charges may be pending. Her bond has been set at $225,000 by Judge Ron Johnson.

    A joint investigation between the Zachary Police Department and the East Baton Rouge Parish Sheriff’s Office was launched after accusations surfaced of an inappropriate relationship between Silva and a former student of the middle school.

    The arrest report states Silva had sex with a 15-year-old.

    Detectives learned Silva initiated contact with the teen by sending a message to his student email address using her school email address, the arrest report states. The two then began communicating using their personal email addresses. The detective wrote in the arrest document Silva and the student switched to personal email accounts, “so the school could not track their emails.”

    Verdict?

    • grrizzly

      At one point, Silva was accused of giving the teen a pink e-cigarette vaping device which may have contained THC, the arrest report states.

      Guilty.

    • Chipwooder

      Definitely would. She can commit oral sexual battery on me any time.

    • Enough About Palin

      “Oral sexual battery”

      Oral, yes.

      Battery, no.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        This is a case of battery being in the eye of the beholder. I suspect the lad didn’t feel like it was battery.

      • Bobarian LMD

        More like battered, if you get what I’m sayin’…

      • Q Continuum

        Battered in the eye of the beholder.

    • DEG

      #12 reminds me how disappointed I was when Founders changed the label for CBS and also how disappointed I was when I discovered this year’s would be the last.

      #19’s septum piercing is disappointing like all septum piercings.

      I’m disappointed by the amount of ink.

      I think #24 might disappoint me by not being Angela White.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      12 – something, something, Mountie!

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Fun with numbers

    The numbers of wealth inequality in 2020 are striking: 2,153 billionaires have more wealth than 4.6 billion people, which means there is more wealth in the hands of 0.00003% of the world population than in 60% of it. In the US, where the highest number of billionaires live, the disparity between the ultra rich and everyone else is at a five-decade high: The richer 0.1% earn almost 200 times as much as the remaining 90%.

    Wow. That must mean something.

    Now do the ratio between tigers and mosquitoes.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Now do the number of people who are no longer living in absolute poverty.

      • #5

        I know! I know!, Hitler!

  21. The Late P Brooks

    A wealth tax has widespread support amongst Americans of various political leanings; meanwhile, conservatives decry it as an attempt to have the US capitulate to socialism.

    But who is the fight against inequality and for income redistribution going to benefit? According to the Economic Policy Institute, as of 2018 the threshold to qualify to the 1% was about $421,000 a year. This means that someone making $400,000 a year and someone making $20,000 a year both belong to the 99%, while surely their lives and struggles are not alike.

    Is it fair to group together all these income brackets, or is the fight of everyone against the ultra-rich helping the elite (albeit not quite as elite as the 1%), washing their conscience from their own privilege?

    Orangutan washing machine green calliope cheesecloth.

    • Rhywun

      I wonder where the diving line is. It would help to know if I should plan ahead for the camps.

      • The Hyperbole

        It’s usually past where the pools depth is 6′ or more.

    • Viking1865

      “A wealth tax has widespread support amongst Americans of various political leanings”

      Polls are all about the framing of the question:

      “Do you favor a tax on wealth?” probably gets a majority “yes” because John Dewey and his ilk won.

      “Do you favor an annual tax on retirement savings accounts?” would get a resounding no from anyone who has one.

      But its the same thing.

      • Q Continuum

        Kind of like “do you support gun safety?” vs. “do you support criminalizing existing gun owners and banning private firearm ownership?”

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        It’s more like, “Do you favor a tax that you don’t think you will ever have to pay?”

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        ^^ this guy gets it ^^

    • Rasilio

      This means that someone making $400,000 a year and someone making $20,000 a year both belong to the 99%, while surely their lives and struggles are not alike.

      I call bullshit. Yes $400k a year is better than $200k a year but depending on where you are making those amounts they might not be all that different in real terms. $200k a year in Des Moines is probably similar to $400k a year in NYC or San Fran.

      That said even within the same location yes obviously making $400k a year will afford you a lot of things than you couldn’t afford for $200k a year but as a practical matter the challenges of life will be of roughly the same kind at each income level. Realistically you need to start pushing up beyond $400k a year in income before you start living a life which would be unrecognizable to someone making $80k a year.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        It was $400k & $20k, which is indeed a big spread. You’re struggling @ $20k in most places.

        (you are correct on $200k vs. $400k)

  22. Private Chipperbot

    Illinois – no self pumping bill introduced…

    If passed, the bill would create the Gas Station Attendant Act. It states that no gas may be pumped at a gas station in Illinois unless it is pumped by a gas station attendant.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        The powerful Gas Station Attendant Union.

      • C. Anacreon

        Who can ever forget the Gas Station Attendant Union’s (GSAU) stirring anthem?

        Look for the union label
        when you are needing to fill up your tank.

        Remember somewhere our union’s pumping,
        our wages going to feed the kids, and buy some crank.

        We work hard, but who’s complaining?
        Thanks to the GSAU, we’re paying our way!

        So always look for the union label,
        it says we’re able to gas up in the U.S.A.!

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Bravo!

    • Chipwooder

      That ridiculous NJ bullshit is spreading?

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I’m angry every time I pull into a gas station that only has full-service pumps. Just let me pump my own gas and be on my way.

      • #5

        Why do it then? you don’t have a favorite local station?

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        It usually comes up while traveling – local place is self-serve.

      • #5

        The whole thing is stupid, guess I’ll never go to Portland…..

      • Gustave Lytton

        Those lifted restrictions apply to basically unpopulated counties. The vast majority of the state is still in lockdown.

        At the same time the grocery unions have unveiled plans to collect initiative signatures to limit/ban self checkout.

      • DEG

        Those lifted restrictions apply to basically unpopulated counties. The vast majority of the state is still in lockdown.

        I know. I read the article before posting.

        At the same time the grocery unions have unveiled plans to collect initiative signatures to limit/ban self checkout.

        Fuck.

    • Sensei

      NJ says, “hi and welcome to taking fucking forever to get gas”.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Tell me about it.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      *HEAD DESK* You just increased the gas tax and now you want to make gas even more expensive by mandating this. Way to keep sticking it to the poor.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I don’t think I’ve ever been to a non self-serve station. If some guy taps on my window when I pull up to the pump I’m just going to assume it’s a carjacking and act accordingly.

    • invisible finger

      I think Bernie is fine with the Die option

      • #5

        He goes first..

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        You’re confused about who he wants to die.

      • #5

        He’s a lot older than me, I think I’ll be ok

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        *Joe challenges Bob to a push-up contest*

  23. The Late P Brooks

    If passed, the bill would create the Gas Station Attendant Act. It states that no gas may be pumped at a gas station in Illinois unless it is pumped by a gas station attendant.

    Enforced inefficiency creates jobs. Ban tractors, and milking machines, too. No more self serve grocery stores, either.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      All shovels to be replaced by spoons.

  24. Count Potato

    “Our Police is made of the finest citizens we have. Right now they are busy visiting & consoling families affected by the #CoronaVirus.

    Patients are asked to move to special hospitals where they can be comforted & treated free of charge & with respect.

    People’s Republic of China”

    https://twitter.com/ChinaGovMOFA/status/1226501185579782144

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      JFC, that’s disturbing.

    • #5

      they should have listened to the Drones…….

    • Q Continuum

      “treated free of charge”

      Well, a .223 cartridge is ~15-20 cents, so pretty close to free of charge.

      • Count Potato

        7.62×39, and it’s free, comrade.

    • DEG

      How many are they shooting in the back of the neck?

    • R C Dean

      Fake news.

      There are no citizens of China. Just subjects.

      Right now they are busy visiting & consoling families affected by the #CoronaVirus.

      Does “putting them on trains to the quarantine camps” really count as “consoling”?

    • Jarflax

      That is a parody account

      • Mojeaux

        The video looks real to me.

      • Jarflax

        The video is all over the place but the comment is from a parody account and I am skeptical about the video. It may be real footage, but from when? of what?

  25. leon

    Hey… I never saw who won the debate between Ozzy and I…

    I assume it was Ozy.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      Ozzy always wins (NSFWish)

    • Q Continuum

      Twas Ozy by a nose. I’m waiting on one more submission before moving on (from Tulpa), but if I don’t get it by the end of the week I’m going to assume he forfeits.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        So anyone can submit as we are all Tulpa?

      • Tundra

        ^^ Denial Tulpa.

  26. slumbrew - double secret satan

    I don’t want anyone to panic, but I think it’s important to be open and honest: I am out of Luxardo cherries. I repeat: I am out of Luxardo cherries.

    If we all just remain calm and work together, we can move past this trying time.

    • Q Continuum

      Porn helps.

    • Mojeaux

      Godspeed.

    • Spudalicious

      Use orange peel instead.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        All I have on hand are clementines. Those won’t work.

        (I can see a place that sells Luxardos if I look out my window, so I may be overreacting).

      • Shirley Knott

        How did you let yourself get down to where you emptied the backup jar of Luxardo’s? You do keep a backup jar whose sole purpose is to spark the purchase of a replacement when it is opened, don’t you? It’s the only way to be sure.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Living “downtown” allows me to be a JIT Luxardo guy.

      • Spudalicious

        That’s why people in the cities will be the first to die when the Zombie Apocalypse hits. They’ll deserve it for lack of forward planning.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I have 137 bottles of wine in the basement. I’ve got the essentials covered.

  27. Gustave Lytton

    The cruise ship article linked above didn’t mention that the 14 day quarantine resets every time there’s a new case. The Japanese have only tested about 10% of the occupants and are dragging their feet to do the entire ship. So far about 50% of those tested have been positive. I doubt anyone will be off the boat, other than transported to a hospital, before the end of the month.

    Oh, and once they’ve recovered, the passengers are supposed to be returned to the ship and quarantine.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      IOW, that booze drone is going to get a heavy workout.

    • Sensei

      I wondered about that.

      Do you happen to have a source for the “reset”?

      • Sensei

        Thanks.

        There was an article in the WSJ about an asymptomatic woman in isolation at a Japanese hospital. Her husband remained on the ship. Naturally she speaks no Japanese and is bored beyond belief.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Read a similar article about another patient that was tired of miso soup and was craving a McDonald’s hamburger.

        They also wish they had brought more of their clothes (and I assume that part of it was the sizing of Japanese hospital garments).

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      It’s a mutual _defense_ pact, so I have to think “no”.

    • peachy rex

      I don’t think Article 5 stretches that far… though Erdogan might try to make it.

      • C. Anacreon

        So they might have to ad lib in Idlib?

    • Florida Man

      Whoo boy. Lot of anti-Semites sentiments in the comments there.

      • Q Continuum

        (((We))) just start wars to keep the goyim distracted and killing one another while we consolidate more power and wealth. It is known.

      • Florida Man

        I mean, even the people on Glibs that may lean towards bigotry at least have the decency to get it polite. Yesh.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Fuck you, babykiller.

        (kidding, pitbulls are great)

      • Gadfly

        (kidding, pitbulls are great)

        Your opinion of Florida men, however, is conspicuously absent.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        That’s not bigotry, that’s just good science.

      • Florida Man

        If you ever wanted a pitbull that breaks that stereotype it’s my dog. He is such a scaredy-cat. He kicked his hammock styled bed getting in one time and it skidded and scared him. I had to get a soft memory foam bed because he wouldn’t get in the other bed anymore. A big ol baby.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        AFAICT, that’s the actual baseline. They’re mostly giant mushes – as my wife is fond of pointing out, they were known as nanny dogs for a very long time.

        You have to work hard to make them terrible dogs.

        I’m not a religious man, but those responsible for dog fighting and “bait” dogs deserve every possible bad thing.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        All of ZH’s articles have an antisemitic comment thread, it’s just what they do.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        From my limited exposure, yes, that is 100% correct. The content of the article doesn’t seem to matter in the least.

      • Chipwooder

        well, the Hebrews are crafty enough that they have (((their))) paws in everything

    • Q Continuum

      You know who else went down like a rocket ship?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Christa McAuliffe?

      • Spudalicious

        Too soon?

      • Spudalicious

        Linda Lovelace?

      • DEG

        YES

      • Chipwooder

        That Baton Rouge teacher from the earlier thread?

      • MikeS

        Crusty’s mom.

        No, I didn’t forget the question mark.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    I don’t want anyone to panic, but I think it’s important to be open and honest: I am out of Luxardo cherries. I repeat: I am out of Luxardo cherries.

    Good lord. If a measly alien invention can cause the complete and utter breakdown of civil society, there’s no telling what might happen when the media get wind of this.

    • Q Continuum

      WTF? So… let’s take any progress we made with criminal justice reform and torpedo it.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      That should bring over the minority voters.

      • Q Continuum

        It’s 36DD chess!

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        “Kim? Kim, honey? We need you to go talk to this guy again. Wear something tight.”

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It’s fucking retarded.

    • R C Dean

      Just when I think “Eh, he’s not that bad.”

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        My feeling exactly.

        A fine reminder that anyone who wants to be president is a wanna-be authoritarian.

      • Tundra

        Meh. It’s not like he can do anything about it, anyway.

        He seems to have quite a blind spot about the drugz, though.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I think it’s a semi-standard teetotaler blindspot of zero empathy – if they don’t want to do those things, why would anyone else? Something must be wrong with them.

        /* ignores less than ideal behavior in other realms, e.g., sex */

      • Tundra

        It’s interesting to me that the people I know who have kicked some serious addictions are waaaaaay easier on others than those that have teetotaled their whole lives.

        And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

        Leave people alone. Fix your own shit.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        100% agree – the now-sober have empathy. The lifelong teetotalers often do not.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        The fact that I am even considering voting for Trump in November shows just how shitty the other side is. I’d rather do anything than vote for Trump.

    • Chipwooder

      You motherfucker, you made me click on a fucking Aaron Rupar link? How about a goddamned trigger warning??

      It’s appalling and absurd. Fortunately, it will never ever happen, so not really anything to worry too much about.

  29. The Late P Brooks

    Patients are asked to move to special hospitals where they can be comforted & treated free of charge & with respect.

    People’s Republic of China”

    “I’m not dead yet!”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      She’ll be dead before you know it.

      /not kidding

    • JaimeRoberto Delecto

      “Asked”.

      Like when the Democrats say some Americans will be asked to pay more taxes.

  30. The Late P Brooks

    You know who else went down like a rocket ship?

    That chick from Lost in Space?

  31. The Late P Brooks

    Invention?invention?

    invention invasion

    Stupid voice-in-my-head-to-text app.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      You Brooksing your own comment may cause the site to implode.

    • Spudalicious

      Dammit. I was talking about the Imperial Pilsner.

      • #5

        Imperial Pilsner? sounds interesting, ABv?

      • Spudalicious

        7.3%. Very dangerous stuff. You don’t realize it’s more than a Pilsner until the finish.

      • #5

        I had a Black Lager like that,
        Cheers!

  32. The Late P Brooks

    What am I bid?

    A brokered convention, which would increase the power of the party officials known as superdelegates, would be good news for President Trump, since those who lose such a contest might be even more angered over the process.

    “It would be much better if we had a candidate win a sufficient number of delegates going into the convention,” Spirou said, “but I’m confident we’ll have a candidate coming out of it who can defeat Trump.”

    That’s what “brokered” means, right?

    • JaimeRoberto Delecto

      Due to Russian meddling, Trump will be the nominee in a brokered convention.

      • The Last American Hero

        The Dems could save us all some time and money and nominate Trump.

  33. The Late P Brooks

    “Bloomberg potentially could spend $4 billion or $5 billion of his own money, not just for his own campaign, but for Democrats all over, from dog catcher to Senate,” said Lenny Glynn, a Massachusetts businessman who crossed into New Hampshire to hear from the candidates. “Every single superdelegate at the Democratic convention, if we don’t have a clear majority, is going to realize — holy bazookas, Mike Bloomberg might spend $5 million in support of my campaign for a district in Oklahoma. So yeah, there’s a chance.”

    Bloomberg’s rivals have taken notice, hammering him at Friday’s debate, and saying it’s unacceptable for a billionaire to step in and try to buy the nomination.

    Not fair! How are we supposed to raise enough dark money to allow us to compete? He should have to fund all of our campaigns, too.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      “Bloomberg potentially could spend $4 billion or $5 billion of his own money, not just for his own campaign, but for Democrats all over…”

      Could, but won’t. He doesn’t give a fuck about you guys, other than the votes you can provide.

      • Rhywun

        He’s already spending money on electing other Democrats.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Yes, but I have serious doubts about “$4 billion to $5 billion”; however, being wrong would not be a new situation for me.

      • Rhywun

        He won’t be president but buying a Dem Senate should be doable for well under a billion.

      • AlmightyJB

        And I’m sure Soros would jump on board with his money as well. Party of the People! Truth to Power!

      • The Last American Hero

        Fuck the 1 percent!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Broadcasters rejoice

    • B.P.

      “…holy bazookas…”

      Somebody’s been hanging out with Joe “23 Skidoo” Biden.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        “…holy bazookas…”

        That’s Q’s beat.

    • Florida Man

      Does bleach on the street kill an airborne virus?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      That’s desperation plain and simple.

  34. The Late P Brooks

    Gazing into the abyss

    That this man, who has spent most of his life spurning and disparaging the Democratic Party, who is only semi-nominally even a member of the party and who is reviled by some of its biggest names, could be by summer its titular head is a prospect few would believe possible. That is, if they hadn’t seen Trump do something similar in 2016: The ultimate anti-establishment outsider, the almost ridiculous choice in fact becoming the choice. The seriousness of Sanders’ chances can be measured in relation to the apoplexy he’s started to generate among stalwart operatives. Bernie Sanders? “Having him for president of the United States?” longtime Democratic strategist James Carville said when we talked last week. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

    Regardless, though, of what happens Tuesday and from here, Sanders, already more than any other 2020 candidate, has shaped the ideological tenor of Democrats’ lumbering primary process—more even than he did in ’16. His “Medicare for All” proposal, the linchpin of his expansive progressive agenda, has served as the policy position around which the other top candidates have defined themselves. Add in the poll numbers for Elizabeth Warren, another left-of-center Democrat angling for giant structural change, and the upper tier of the Democratic field leans more toward Sanders than it does Joe Biden. And he has ensured his stamp will remain on campaigns still to come. By far the most prominent surrogate in the field is Sanders’ Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a first-term, just-turned-30 congresswoman from New York City who could be his granddaughter—and whom Sanders supporters and, in particular, his legions of millennials view as proof that all of this is not about just an individual but rather a movement that has altered the contours of liberal politics and is nowhere close to done.

    A question hangs here in the wintry New England air.

    Is the Democratic Party Bernie Sanders’ party now?

    I’ve got a baaaaad feeling…

    • R C Dean

      Is the Democratic Party Bernie Sanders’ party now?

      Especially weird, because he’s not even a member of the Democratic Party.

      • The Last American Hero

        Trump was a Republican for all of 15 minutes before he ran. I’m pretty sure you just take the anti-abortion oath, write a check, and they give you your membership card.

    • Juvenile Bluster

      If you gave Donald Trump permission to script the Democratic primaries there’s nothing he could come up with to help his campaign than how they’re going.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Yet it’s all somehow his fault! The Iowa caucus farce was merely some trifling, insignificant incompetence and that everything is going swimmingly! Don’t play into Trump’s hands by acknowledging the absurdity! Stick to the script! Everything is going rather well! We can beat Trump in 2020 with [insert ridiculous clown]!

      • C. Anacreon

        There’s a Bloomberg ad that’s unavoidable in Facebook feeds, that says that ‘all the polls’ show that Bloomberg would beat Trump head-to-head.

        Then the kicker: “Bloomberg. Trump’s afraid of him.”

      • Chipwooder

        The one I keep seeing lately has the munchkin trying to tie himself to Obama, with several old news clips of Obama praising him.

    • Winston

      I thought the internet was supposed to save us from Bernie?

    • AlmightyJB

      Imagine if the DNC hands the primary over to Bloomberg.

      • CPRM

        It’s going to Hillary, maybe he can be anointed VP.

      • R C Dean

        Imagine if the DNC hands the primary over to Bloomberg.

        That might drive Bernie and the hard left out of the party.

        They certainly won’t vote for him, I wouldn’t think.

        I’m having a really hard time seeing the Dems nominating Hillary, or anyone else who hasn’t actually, you know, run for the nomination, at the convention. What a giant fuck you to everyone who voted in the primaries and all the lower level apparatchiks who worked on them.

    • MikeS

      Add in the poll numbers for Elizabeth Warren, another left-of-center Democrat…

      Socialist is now just “left of center”? Christ.

      • Winston

        Bernie is a left-libertarian according to the political compass

    • JD is Unemployed

      Oof – for a moment I thought perhaps it was going to be this, which possibly never made it to the New World colonies over the pond.

    • JD is Unemployed

      If the double standards are just in the poorly-articulated opinions of interweb retards, then fuck it. In terms of jurisprudence, are these women not having the book thrown at them, losing their jobs/careers, and being forced to register as sex offenders for life?

      • Count Potato

        Nope.

  35. Tres Cool

    I just set out COD filets.

    Fuck you, Mojeaux

    • AlmightyJB

      Fish and Chips?

      • CPRM

        K rations. Don’t you acronym bro?

      • Tres Cool

        Fish breaded in some carbquik
        Paired with broccoli and a cheese sauce I have yet to make ( I have Velveeta at hand, so its tempting me)

    • Spudalicious

      You’re eating cock for dinner?

      • Tres Cool

        According to her stories…hence the FU

      • Spudalicious

        Heh heh.

  36. Winston

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasite_(2019_film)#Production

    The film’s title “Parasite” was selected by Bong as it served a double meaning, which he had to convince the film’s marketing group to use. Bong said “Because the story is about the poor family infiltrating and creeping into the rich house, it seems very obvious that Parasite refers to the poor family, and I think that’s why the marketing team was a little hesitant. But if you look at it the other way, you can say that rich family, they’re also parasites in terms of labor. They can’t even wash dishes, they can’t drive themselves, so they leech off the poor family’s labor. So both are parasites.”[13]

    ….

    The main themes of Parasite are class conflict and social inequality.[24][25] Film critics and Bong Joon-ho himself have considered the film as a reflection of modern capitalism,[26][27] and some have associated it with the term “Hell Joseon”, a phrase which has become popular, especially with young people, in the late 2010s to describe the difficulties of life in South Korea.[28][29] The film also analyses the use of “connections” to get ahead, especially for rich families[30] but also for the poor Kims as well.

    Well they didn’t have to worry about that sort of things under the Japanese or under the Norks.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      they leech off the poor family’s labor.

      So the poorer family are slaves? I suspect that’s not the case, and they’re getting something in return for their labor.

      I assumed I would hate his stupid politics after the wildly overrated Snowpiercer; 100% confirmed.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Correction: I assumed I would hate his politics after The Host opened with an American scientist just acting like a villain because… $reasons? Literally no reason given, just evil for evil’s sake.

    • Winston

      Where is the spinoff of his Transformers character?

      • Tres Cool

        On the floor of the studio, ideally

    • Tres Cool

      So Turturro rips off “KingPin” ?
      Meh.

    • Chipwooder

      This sounds fairly shaky, but I’ll end up giving it a shot I’m sure.

    • Spudalicious

      Wait…what?…

    • Brochettaward

      Alls Hitler did was gas a few Jews. It’s not like he murdered people or something.

  37. #5

    Trump just said adhere to the Constitution as it was written, huh,

    • MikeS

      Well…except for being able to say people have to be 21 to smoke. And about a hundred other things.

      • Spudalicious

        He’s a hell of a lot better on the Constitution than the last few Presidents have been.

      • MikeS

        Without a doubt. Still doesn’t mean he adheres to the constitution as written.

      • Tres Cool

        Congress passed that shit in the garbage spending bill. Trump can’t make a law, no matter how shitty it is.

  38. Winston

    https://thebulwark.com/the-fight-over-the-1619-project/

    “What happens,” she asked, “when they come after Washington and Jefferson?” Not likely, I assured her: Obviously, allowing slavery to continue—and practicing it themselves—was a terrible blot on their record, but it wasn’t what they were fighting for in the Revolution or in the early years of the republic; surely their legacies would be judged in a balanced way. My friend was unconvinced

    ….

    But the 1619 Project certainly does come after the Founding Fathers, and more: It argues that black slavery was not just America’s original sin but its original base, the cornerstone of the republic and the institution that shaped virtually every aspect of its society and culture. What’s more, it suggests that in some sense the Founders were indeed, just like the Confederates, fighting to preserve slavery.

    Dammit how did this blatantly obvious trend end up happening? I mean it’s not like Samuel Johnson was arguing this in 1775.