Biden Wins Grand Prize at Gibberish Olympics

by | Feb 19, 2020 | Satire | 431 comments

DUBLIN – Held in honor of James Joyce, the Gibberish Olympics bring together the world’s greatest incomprehensibles. Biden was expected to win the Authentic Frontier category, but that was just the beginning of his victory streak. In a stunning upset, former US Vice President Joe Biden trounced the competition of Marxist philosophers and/or muttering, drunken vagrants with a rap set to the tune of the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song. The lyrics are some of his greatest hits:

“My name’s Joe Biden and I’m here to say: Look fat, that’s a bunch of malarkey. You’re a lying dog-face pony soldier. You remember the straight razors, you had to bang ’em on the curb, gettin’ em rusty, puttin’ em in the rain barrel, gettin’ em rusty. Make sure you have the record player on at night. I voted for 700 miles of fence. Well, son of a bitch, it’s a big fuckin’ deal. Corn Pop was a bad dude and he ran a bunch of bad boys. Little creeps who teach you how to kill. I said ‘hey Ester, you! Off the board!’. We choose truth over facts. I learned about roaches. I learned about kids jumping on my lap. Poor kids are just as  bright and talented as white kids. Just a fire a shotgun through the door. Bingo, you’re right if you have an assault weapon. They’re gonna put y’all back in chains. Sleep was like a phantom I was too tired to chase. What happened today to @JussieSmollett must never be tolerated in this country. When seagull droppings landed on my head at a campaign event at Bowers Beach two days before Election Day, I chose to read it as a sign of a coming success. The carnage was over, but there was still a bitter taste in my mouth.”

In addition to the grand prize, Biden also received the coveted Charles Manson Lifetime Achievement Award for Excellence in Wolf Kabob Roth Vantage Gefrannis Booj Pooch Jujube Bear-Ramage Jigiji Geeji Geeja Geeble Google Begep Flagaggle Vaggle Veditch Waggle Bagga.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

431 Comments

  1. Sean

    ???????

      • UnCivilServant

        Have you spent more on accessories and upgrades than on the gun?

      • UnCivilServant

        Notes – not a judgement. I spent $199 on my 10/22, and $209 on accessories (not counting magazines)

      • Sean

        The rifle was a birthday gift. The upgrades were Christmas gifts and the scope and mount (I think) were following year birthday gifts. I’m pretty sure the only money I have into it is a 110 round drum mag.

      • UnCivilServant

        *imitates your avatar*

        That works too.

      • Sean

        I’m pretty sure the $ ratio is similar to yours. Couple more dollars spent on accessories than the actual rifle. Though the takedown does come with a spiffy lil backpack.

      • Naptown Bill

        How do you like the takedown? I’m going to pick up a 10/22 to fill in gaps in my collection and I’m torn between the classic walnut like I had as a kid and a takedown, but I’ve read a couple reviews that give me a little concern that the takedown starts to get a little loose.

      • Sean

        It’s a great rifle.

        There’s an adjustment knob to keep the two pieces tight. Don’t worry about it.

        My gf also has one. She actually got hers first (different color stock), and she raves about how much she enjoys it.

  2. Q Continuum

    “You remember the straight razors, you had to bang ’em on the curb, gettin’ em rusty, puttin’ em in the rain barrel, gettin’ em rusty”

    These euphemisms are getting nasty.

    • Chafed

      Ouch

  3. juris imprudent

    Hmm, not much commentary – everyone must be engrossed in the Democratic debate.

    • Rhywun

      It hasn’t started yet.

      • Lackadaisical

        I didn’t know there was one happening.

        Wonder if that’s intentional on their part.

      • Rhywun

        Read somewhere that the next two or three debates are scheduled on weekend nights.

    • MikeS

      What democratic?

    • pistoffnick

      Watching Wheeler Dealers Dream Car. Mike is starting with a Nissan Juke and then weheelin’-dealin’ up to a Porsche Cayenne.

      I couldn’t stand watching democrats debate.

      • dbleagle

        Watching “Dr Strangelove” on TCM.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        Ditto’d that.

      • The Last American Hero

        Why not? You can watch the party start with safe legal rare, the era of big government is over, and being the leader of the free world and trade up to nominating a communist.

  4. MikeS

    This post is a big fucking deal.

    • Chafed

      ?

  5. LemonGrenade

    Love it. Extra points for the Blazing Saddles reference.

    • UnCivilServant

      You might want to cut back – your beer is already out of focus

      • Private Chipperbot

        /drops gloves.

      • MikeS

        *grabs popcorn*

      • Private Chipperbot

        Remembers it’s UCS. Assumes he has gloves for occasion. Picks gloves back up.

      • Spudalicious

        Better hope they’re not his stranglin’ gloves.

      • Sean

        The Simpson’s episode with Homer and his duelling glove was on this week. Damn, that was a great episode.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        Too bad it wasn’t the Pie Man episode, with this wonderful commercial

  6. Ozymandias

    Okay, maybe it’s because I smoked some weed, but I am fucking crying right now. Oh, God.
    And it’s all true. He said every fucking rambling word of that pile of nonsense. It’s like a Norm Crosby bit… if Norm Crosby had been struck in the head with hand-axe.

    • Ozymandias

      Great job, Derpy.
      Every time I see him speaking for more than 2 minutes unscripted, I just know it’s going to be something so cringeworthy it would make “The Office” cast wince to watch him. He’s unbelievable. I told my wife, in all seriousness, the people around him don’t love him; his friends, his wife, his kids – no one who honestly loved that man more than power would let him go up there onstage and babble incoherently like that. He’s already had two fucking brain aneurysms, for fuck’s sake!

      Initially, Joe Biden suffered an aneurysm that burst and required him to undergo emergency surgery. He was so close to death that a priest was preparing to administer the Catholic sacrament of last rites. A few months later, surgeons clipped a second aneurysm before it burst, after discovering it during a routine screening.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        an aneurysm that burst

        That’s some (corn) pop!

  7. Drake

    I hope Bernie attacks Bloomie for being a Billionaire then Bloomie points out that while he was working in his 20s and 30s, Bernie was a worthless, unemployed, lazy bum.

  8. Q Continuum

    Sorry to go OT, but I figure since this is a Derpetologist post, it’s relevant. It’s also just enormously depressing.

    https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/02/19/ohio-state-football-players-rape-case-should-sex-consent-recorded/4793879002/

    “Brad Koffel, a Columbus criminal defense attorney in private practice for more than 25 years and managing partner of Koffel Brininger Nesbitt, advises his clients to obtain written consent for sexual acts”

    Remember when that was a joke on Chapelle’s Show?

    “‘If I was a man in today’s world, before I was engaging in sexual behavior with any woman today, I would ask them to sign a consent form,’ Donna Rotunno said on The Daily, a New York Times podcast.”

    But wait a minute, not so fast…

    “Columbus criminal defense attorney Dan Sabol of Sabol Mallory said he would feel concerned if a client obtained written or recorded consent from a sexual partner[…]’It should be taken as a red flag that a person would have enough doubts about whether or not consent was established to … request this type of agreement before or after an encounter,’ said Laura Palumbo, communication director for the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.”

    Huh. So we’ve been beaten over the head so much about the inviolability of the magic of consent that socialist hellholes like California have attempted to make so-called “affirmative consent” a legal requirement. Now, if you have doubts, you go the extra mile and get not just verbal affirmative consent, but *written* (or recorded) affirmative consent. That, however, implies knowledge of guilt apparently. And remember kids…

    “consent can legally be revoked at any time, so written or recorded documentation is in no way representative of an entire sexual encounter”

    So you could itemize your list of sexual activities a priori and get a signed, notarized agreement and if she (let’s be honest, it’s going to be a woman 999 times out of 1000) changes her mind, that agreement is instantly nullified, even years after the sex is over. What this article is saying is that the only possible way to protect yourself is to be able to accurately read your partner’s mind, and look into the future to know what her mental state will be until her death.

    This horseshit is such an abomination of rights, it boggles the mind how any of it passes even a cursory legal review. Sex was and is women’s primary form of power and leverage over men and in the world as a whole. They voluntarily torched that leverage during the Sexual Revolution. This #metoo authoritarianism is the Sistahood using Big Daddy to wrest some of that power back without having to give anything up in the process. It also explains why the Gentry Elite is desperately trying to find ways to shame and/or criminalize the usage of sex dolls (and eventually robots); can’t have scabs breaking the picket line.

    • Rhywun

      It’s unsettling and I don’t see any way out of it. Sorry, my heterosexual male friends. (And, no, I have no illusions that this won’t come after the gays, too.)

      • commodious spittoon

        I wonder whether the race divide is the next contentious issue. Your whiteness is so oppressive that your non-white partners can’t volunteer consent to you.

    • Naptown Bill

      Making sure you have proof of consent is proof that you want to do something the other signatory doesn’t consent to do. But it’s sex robots that will destroy civilization.

    • Chafed

      It’s much easier when you are married. You just don’t have sex.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Show us on the doll where your wife didn’t touch you.

      • We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

        These days, that’s pretty much the entire doll, mang.

      • Chafed

        Hi five Beam!

    • The Last American Hero

      The lawyer needs to get woke. Under Article I subsection xx of the #metoo manifesto, consent can be retroactively withdrawn at any time. You letter of consent means as much as the gigabyte of text messages the college inquisition squad refuses to review or consider as evidence.

    • Rhywun

      Narcissist or mentally ill?

      • Sean

        Why not both?

      • Rhywun

        Well, I need to know in order to calculate how much I hate him. Duh.

      • Tundra

        Rhywun better start

      • Rhywun

        Gladly! One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands.

    • creech

      Does he get to use the restroom and hang out at the Philly Starbucks? I’ll bet if he had dressed as Mohammad, the outcome at the Mass would have been different.

  9. Fourscore

    Thanks Derp, see it pays to wear your GoPro and hidden mike when you interview important , well, democratic presidential candidates. Gets all the nuances that a straight question-answer type interview misses. Now do Warren or Kloby.

  10. commodious spittoon

    Vegemite is not tasty. It’s not Satan’s asscrack fungus, either. It’s like a really funky cheese I wouldn’t mind having again. Maybe spread on something other than saltines.

    Funny story I heard from dad today: he’s framing a store at the mall for a Jordanian couple. They’re selling Native American artwork and junk. It’s all coming from China. How’s that for cultural appropriation.

    • Sean

      Shouldn’t they be selling candy coated almonds?

    • Crusty Juggler

      Buying bread from a man in Brussels
      He was six-foot-four and full of muscle
      I said, “Do you speak-a my language?”
      He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich

      • MikeS

        lol. wut?

      • Charles Easterly

        CJ: “Buying bread from a man in Brussels
        He was six-foot-four and full of muscle
        I said, “Do you speak-a my language?”
        He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich”

        MikeS: “lol. wut?”

        Perhaps this may be of benefit.

      • Mojeaux

        Well, somebody had to do it.

        Thank you for your sacrifice, Charles.

      • Not Adahn

        Wait, that wasn’t “very light sand wedge?”

        The song isn’t about golfing?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      The key is to not overdo it, it ain’t jelly and a little goes a long way. Marmite’s better though.

      • commodious spittoon

        I’m hoping Marmite is made from marsupials.

      • MikeS

        Marmalade and Mennonites.

      • Gender Traitor

        And marmosets.

      • JD is Unemployed

        And Marmaduke.

      • Gender Traitor

        That’s not funny.

      • commodious spittoon

        Have we all forgotten the humble marmot?

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        The Dude didn’t.

        Walter kinda did. But, not the Dude.

      • Rhywun

        Both of them sound vile AF to me but I bet they feel the same about peanut butter so *shrug*.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        They’re both a very salty umami experience that most people seem either hate or love. Except me, I like it every now and then and that’s it.

      • Tundra

        Marmite has its place. Especially in Shepherd’s Pie.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        A little bit on a butter soaked toasted English muffin is the bomb.

      • We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

        If you’re trying to add some umami experience to other dishes (my fave application being Bolognese sauce), adding a small amount of either Marmite or Vegemite to the sauce as it’s cooking is just what the doctor ordered.

      • Sensei

        Waiting for straff to explain the delicacy that is natto.

        Some things seem to need to be eaten young. As many Japanese don’t like strong cheeses I was surprised when my Japanese teacher mentioned she liked them here in the US.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Funny, because bleu and Camembert seems to popular for cheese there, once you get beyond processed cheese. My teacher likes Boursin.

  11. Spudalicious

    Well done, Derp. Well done.

    • LJW

      Invoking the 48 hour rule…

      • commodious spittoon

        That’s the rule where we’re all free to pitch as many navel-lint conspiracy theories as possible without someone calling us Fake News, right?

      • Naptown Bill

        We assume it’s transgender Communist Muslim radicals until proven otherwise in the next 48 hours? Done.

    • Rhywun

      Details sketchy, nothing known yet, but let’s go ahead and link it to far-right deplorables anyway.

    • DrOtto

      I blame Trump.

  12. Cacciatore

    OT:

    Yusef, you better get those Vans. I love ’em!

    My current beaters are Es Accel OGs, and I might switch them for those Vans.

    • Rhywun

      I wear a pair of Van-style Adidas. No, I’m not a portly middle-aged dude at all….

      • Cacciatore

        I’m a 25yo who won’t quit skating til I’m too frail to do it anymore.

      • The Last American Hero

        So in about 2 years?

  13. Sean

    Oh…Trump rally in Phoenix kicking off…

    I’m @ 20 minutes from bedtime.

    I’ll look forward to morning highlights from it and the lowlights from the dem short bus gathering happening tonight.

  14. Spudalicious

    Long knives are out for Bloomberg. This is going to be fun.

    • Rhywun

      Yikes – you’d think Bloomberg could spring for a nice pair of dentures like Biden’s.

      • commodious spittoon

        Can’t he afford implants? I’ve been promised expensive implants. Is that not a thing? Am I not allowed to replace my cored-out cavity teeth with synthetic implants?

      • UnCivilServant

        Implants run $3k-$6k per tooth without complications.

        Since they’re not generally covered by insurance, I expect that to come down in the next few decades.

      • Sean

        I have two. They are fantastic once installed. Have them done by a reputable doctor.

        Installation is…mildly…uncomfortable.

        I know someone who chose unwisely, and she had a very bad experience.

      • Rhywun

        It’s like $3K a tooth around me. Fuck that.

      • commodious spittoon

        Billionaires keep making being a billionaire seem not worth the effort.

      • Spudalicious

        Cost my sister $35k to have her grill replaced. Don’t smoke.

      • RAHeinlein

        And you would think Amy could spring for some whitening toothpaste, plus some ludes to keep her from shaking.

    • RAHeinlein

      This debate is actually entertaining. Beat Donald Trump, beat Donald Trump…

    • Chafed

      I must be in the only airport without CNN.

  15. RAHeinlein

    “Fat broads” and “horse-faced” – Warren is slamming Bloomberg.

  16. Mojeaux

    Still going through old papers. I found material from my Old English class and my 300-level diagramming class. That’s right. I spent an entire semester diagramming sentences.

    • UnCivilServant

      I hope that’s a post-draft, editing step. If I spend that much time on sentence structure, I forget what I was trying to say.

      • Mojeaux

        Post-draft editing step for what?

        My degree is in creative writing and journalism with a secondary of linguistics. Hence, the diagramming and Old English classes.

        ‘Cuz I’d be damned if I was going to get a degree in English lit.

      • UnCivilServant

        A post-draft editing step for cleaning up messy sentences.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, no. I just run global searches for “is, was, were, be, being, been” and find arthritic ways to replace those.

      • UnCivilServant

        arthritic ways to replace those

        I’m not sure what that means.

      • Mojeaux

        Twisting myself into linguistic pretzels to avoid using a “be” verb.

      • UnCivilServant

        Is there a reason for it? Because it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for guy with no formal training.

      • Gender Traitor

        to avoid using a “be” verb

        Shakespeare hardest hit.

      • Mojeaux

        Is there a reason for it?

        Did you read the article? Because I explained that.

        It’s a “rule” in the same way a minor factoid about someone turns into a major hit-piece after it runs through the gossip-mill.

      • Mojeaux

        Shakespeare hardest hit.

        It failed to exist.

      • UnCivilServant

        I did read the article when it first dropped.

        But my memory is strange – some things stick with freakish detail, other things slide away. I can’t control which does which.

      • Rhywun

        Ha. My planned German degree turned into a Linguistics major with a German minor when I realized I wasn’t really into literature.

    • Gender Traitor

      When my Brit Lit prof read to us from Beowulf in the original Old English, I thought it sounded like a Viking choking on an ox bone.

      • UnCivilServant

        Hwæt! wē Gār-Dena⁠in gēar-dagum þēod-cyninga⁠þrym gefrūnon, hū ðā æþelingas⁠ell en fremedon. Oft Scyld Scēfing⁠sceaþena þrēatum, monegum mǣgþum⁠meodo-setla oftēah.

      • Gender Traitor

        Makes more sense than Biden does.

      • Gender Traitor

        Translation: “Look, fat!”

      • UnCivilServant

        Where did the ‘fat’ come from?

      • Gender Traitor

        It was on the ox bone.

        (Actually, lame attempt at Biden joke to remain marginally on-topic.)

      • UnCivilServant

        hwaet, I’m trying to figure out how to make the narrator spectating a fight into an interesting scene. I forgot about Biden.

      • The Last American Hero

        Go watch an nfl game with Madden doing color commentary.

      • Gender Traitor

        Boom!

      • Mojeaux

        It feels like you’re choking when you’re speaking it too.

        I totally forgot all about this stuff. Twenty-fucking-seven years ago and yes, I still have it all–but not for long!

      • Rhywun

        Jelly @ Old English class. I took a history of English class but it wasn’t the same.

      • Mojeaux

        If I still have my textbook, I’ll send it to you. I may have cleared it out when I started culling.

      • Rhywun

        Don’t sweat it – I have a couple that I torrented a while back 🙂

        I would love to find the time to pore through them.

  17. UnCivilServant

    Well, on the plus side all the approvals and paperwork is done. So we’ve actually extended an offer and the candidate accepted, so I’ll be a supervisor in march.

    I’ve never had any supervisory responsibility, but I have the impression we picked a reasonable person and will be avoid most of the potential headaches.

    So. I guess we’ll see if I judged correctly.

    • Spudalicious

      I think you have the proper disposition to be a good supervisor.

      • UnCivilServant

        Only one way to find out.

    • Chafed

      Just wear your supervisor gloves and everything will go fine.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        Chafed! Man–you could have totally had him wearing boxing gloves to work…

  18. Spudalicious

    Best Democrat debate so far. It’s all ready a free for all knife fight.

  19. egould310

    “… and/or muttering, drunken vagrants …”

    Zenu’s a-coming.

    Show me dem titties.

  20. Old Man With Candy

    We’re drinking a Chenin Blanc and avoiding the debates.

    • We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

      A really cheap Australian Chardonnay, meself. And instead of the U.S. Democrat debates, I’m simply watching Canada slowly implode under The Hair That Walks Like A Man™‘s “leadership.”

    • Spudalicious

      Gloves are off. Rye, neat, in limited quantity.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      I’ve decided to spend my superbowl winnings (part of them, anyway) on a case of this Chenin Blanc – you might like it.

      I had it years ago and it’s stuck with me.

      Took me forever to track down – finally just called the statewide distributor who eventually found me a retailer near me (it mostly goes to restaurants).

      • Mojeaux

        superbowl winnings

        You’re welcome! 😀

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        It was score-change squares, in two pools – one 0-6, the other 0-3. Both paid on both the forward score and reverse (1/3).

        I made money off both teams.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        And whoever had 0-0 in those squares absolutely cleaned up. I figured on the $500/sq. pool they made $8,000, at least.

      • Old Man With Candy

        Samur is delightful and Wasserman is a reliable importer. Some years ago, we visited her house in Burgundy and had a delicious lunch and tasting in her back yard.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Extremely jelly.

    • egould310

      Smirnoff, cranberry, Perrier. Twist of lemon. Reheated steak and buttered rice with olives, feta, parsley, and lemon zest.

  21. Tres Cool

    WTF fuck is wrong with Peter Buttchug’s eyebrows? And that 5 o’cock shadow? Is he trying to pull a Nixon? Or did Pie fly over here and bite him ?

    • RAHeinlein

      And the cow that licked Chuck Todd’s hair.

      • Rhywun

        Oh, that’s who that is? Huh.

    • Rhywun

      His gigantic upper lip space bothers me for some reason.

      • Tres Cool

        I could blame HD tv, but for people with great healthcare plans, everyone seems to have at least 1 yellow toof.

        And I know it’s early, but they seem to be boxing Creepy Joe out…I havent heard him speak yet.

      • Rhywun

        Oh, my teeth are complete shit but these are millionaires and billionaires – they have no excuse.

      • Tres Cool

        Biden’s make-up makes him look jaundiced. Or maybe he actually is.

    • Rebel Scum

      WTF fuck is wrong with Peter Buttchug’s eyebrows?

      It all makes sense if you realize he is a troll. Not an internet troll, but a marxist troll. The dark side does serious damage to the body.

  22. RAHeinlein

    Bernie is now suggesting that “Russians” may be sending the negative tweets attributed to his followers…

  23. commodious spittoon

    Just heard my first Bloomberg ad!

    Go get wrecked in the primaries, pint-sized despot.

    • AlmightyJB

      I can’t watch a YouTube video without watching a Bloomberg ad.

      • Tres Cool

        uBlock is your friend, my friend.

      • Rhywun

        Yeap, I didn’t even know Youtube shows ads.

      • Tres Cool

        when I play something from my phone that doesn’t have it, say while I’m cooking…I want to throw it against the wall.
        Ive forgotten about ads and commercials

    • Rebel Scum

      pint-sized despot

      Do you know who else?

      • Spudalicious

        Pol Pot?

    • mindyourbusiness

      Your first? My doG, are you lucky. We’ve been inundated by the things.
      I hope he gets thoroughly trounced in the debates.

    • Tres Cool

      Your butt…..insure the drugs don’t fall out.

      • AlmightyJB

        High and tight. That’s my motto.

      • UnCivilServant

        We don’t issue policies for that contingency.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      Eh. It was a mistake to change the Senate to popular election.

      • AlmightyJB

        Word.

      • Rebel Scum

        It’s almost like the original intent was for the House to be the house of the people and the Senate to be the house of the States because federal republic.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Not just federal republic, but classical republicanism based on an ethos of mixed-government.

      • Naptown Bill

        Can’t argue with that. I can’t help but think that was a milestone on the country’s slide into a populist dictatorship.

      • Ozymandias

        Yep. That was among the greatest hits of the giant mass of fuckups that was the Progressive Era.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That was a trailing indicator, not a leading one.

    • Rhywun

      How is that even possible…?

      • AlmightyJB

        Bernie’s tweets are probably more sane than he is, because his propagandist are controling them. Doesn’t hurt that most journalists are commies.

    • AlmightyJB

      Great answer! That dude for prez!

    • Spudalicious

      Noyce.

    • straffinrun

      Hornberger!

  24. creech

    Where’s Tulsi? At least she has a brain and it is in a fairly attractive package. Why is she still in the race, cause she has no chance of getting a v.p. nod like AmyK might?

    • Tres Cool

      ca$h

    • AlmightyJB

      When she was a teenager, she worked for her preacher dad who was anti-gay. Even though she rejected those views when she grew up and became pro-LGBTXYZ, the cancel culture never forgets. Unless you’re a straight, white, billionaire, male who used his private army to harass minorities them you’re totes ok.

    • Lachowsky

      The bipartisan war party doesnt want her there. Thats why she is toast.

  25. Ozymandias

    So much for that Assange story: more fake news.

  26. Rebel Scum

    That brunette to the left behind Trump…

  27. Tres Cool

    They come after Bloomers over his NDA’s with settling with women….he bunted

    • Tres Cool

      Lizzie with the long knives !

      • Rebel Scum

        A tomahawk at range?

  28. Rhywun

    I wouldn’t hire any one of these clowns to walk my dogs cats.

    • RAHeinlein

      Trump should show this debate at his rally – priceless.

    • AlmightyJB

      If you ever need to hire a psychopath for any reason, you have a pool to choose from.

  29. Rhywun

    When did “debates” became just one Gotcha! after another?

    • RAHeinlein

      The moderators are certainly setting the tone.

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, I expect it from the participants. The moderators should be setting a more intellectual tone— oh who am I kidding.

      • RAHeinlein

        Interesting, that the moderators have been 100% hands-off regarding Warren. Hard-core out for Bloomberg and Klobuchar.

    • UnCivilServant

      At least before the Kennedy-Nixon “debates”

    • AlmightyJB

      Forever.

    • Rebel Scum

      When they all basically agree with each other philosophically but want the power for themselves?

    • Gender Traitor

      Recent precedent:

      In presidential politics, the increasingly bitter fight for the Democratic nomination intensifies when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton hold a televised debate, moderated by PBS anchor Jim Lehrer, that consists entirely of spitting.

  30. Breet Pharara

    Jeez, Against my better judgment I turned on the debate and somehow don’t regret it. This is spicy. The amounts of shots being thrown is incredible. So much for party unity.

  31. Tres Cool

    From what Ive seen, Pete is the only one with his game on fleek. He just rattled the fuck outta Kobluchar, like she has canker sores in her ass-crack.

    • RAHeinlein

      They were like two kids in the back of the station wagon screaming and waving their hands at each other.

    • Mojeaux

      Or, as a wonderfully crotchety old lady I used to work for said once, “Pickled assholes fried in snot.”

      • Naptown Bill

        Holy shit, that imagery!

  32. Spudalicious

    Wow. What an absolute shit show.

    • Tres Cool

      I love it. It really is like standing outside the yellow barrier-tape, and watching a building implode.

      Next up- Climate Crisis !

      • RAHeinlein

        Biden for high-speed rail, and thousand of charging stations whenever highways are repaired.

      • Tres Cool

        I was watching his eyes….Im pretty sure he just had a TIA

      • Chafed

        That does explain things.

      • Breet Pharara

        It’s okay, Warren believes in science.

    • AlmightyJB

      I’m not watching.

    • PudPaisley

      Did you expect anything different from The People’s Revolutionary Democratic Socialist Workers Party?

      • Rhywun

        I’m actually kind of shocked how off-the-reservation these idiots – all of them – are. They’re goading each other into ever more outlandish fringery.

      • juris imprudent

        And now you know why the DNC was trying to hide the debates from the viewing public.

      • Rhywun

        Yeap.

      • PudPaisley

        I somehow made it over an hour. I turned it off when someone said we only have 7 years left to save the planet from the climate crisis.

      • Rhywun

        Butterfinger said we have 0 years.

    • KSuellington

      You guys are brave. 30 seconds of one of their commercials is enough to make me want to throw shit at my radio or tv.

  33. Chafed

    Great job, as per usual, Derpe.

  34. Tres Cool

    Bloomers is worried about methane in the water

    • Naptown Bill

      He’s got a point. We need to stop underwater cattle farming before we kill all the sea turtles.

      • Tres Cool

        Eating some foods and taking a bath can cause that.

        MOAR SHOWERS!

  35. straffinrun

    Taking Joe out of context and mashing the sentences together made him more coherent. Good job, Derp.

    • RAHeinlein

      I thought you were referring to the debate.

      • straffinrun

        No way I’m spending my lunch hour watching that.

  36. slumbrew - double secret satan

    I tuned into the “debate”, since you were all talking about it.

    I only lasted 5 minutes.

    I don’t want any of these people anywhere near the levers of power.

    • straffinrun

      Watched one clip. Bloomberg saying there is no way Bernie beats Trump. Didn’t lie on that at least.

    • Rhywun

      It’s just entertainment – appalling, but still entertaining.

      • juris imprudent

        So who’s going to pull the Ryan Newman and get flipped up in the air at the end?

  37. Tres Cool

    The icing on the cake?

    Kobluchar just said “we are not talking enough about Donald Trump”

    • straffinrun

      Said no sane person in history.

      • Tres Cool

        Why cant anyone ask Bernie, while he’s attacking Bloomers, “Just how many homes do you own, Senator? Not counting the one Hillary bought you…”

    • RAHeinlein

      Wait, so now Warren was a former special ed teacher?

      • Rhywun

        If she says “black and brown” one more time I’m going to lose it.

      • KSuellington

        No love for the red and yellow Liz?

      • Chafed

        3… 2… 1…

  38. Rhywun

    LOL Bloomberg just called Sanders a communist.

    • straffinrun

      Quit making me want to turn it on!

      • straffinrun

        *Turns on Debate. Warren: Ban all offshore drilling.

        I just can’t.

      • Rhywun

        Paris accord day one, ban fracking, fossil fuel is evil, etc etc etc.

        And now Pete! is speaking Spanish.

        Pure fucking entertainment.

      • mikey

        A a better man than I. Y’all made it sound like so much fun I actually tuned in. Coulldn’t take more than a couple minutes. One of Creepy Joe and one of Shorty. Both blatherng the usual Climate Crises “solutions”.

        I do thank everyone here though. I do enjoy these debates through your snark.

      • Rhywun

        Oh I only caught maybe 15 minutes total. I can’t it for more than a minute or two at a time.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I had the misfortune to tune in right as Warren started speaking.

        Damn, do I dislike her sour, hectoring visage.

        (she is, of course, my senator)

      • Rhywun

        They’re all horrible in only slightly different ways.

        Bloomberg brought some entertainment value, at least.

    • Tres Cool

      BOOM! He did it!

  39. Rhywun

    LOL you WANT workers on Medicaid and food stamps, Bernie. Why are you complaining about it?

  40. Breet Pharara

    “employee ownership of companies” by Government law. This sounds like something else… Can’t quite put my finger on it.

    • juris imprudent

      So much for the democratic part of that socialism.

    • Mojeaux

      It starts with an F.

      Fuck you that’s why.

      • Ted S.

        I would have said syndicalism.

  41. Tres Cool

    Based on my TV, Creepy Joe has a lot of dandruff on his black coat.

    Just sayin

    • Tres Cool

      Also, someone get Lizzie some Visine. I know she’s in Nevada, but act straight.

      • Gender Traitor

        Geez, how big IS your HD TV?

      • Tres Cool

        55″ and like 2 ft away from me…

      • Chafed

        Living the double wide life. Tall cans in the air!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Hit it Sammy Kershaw!

      • Tres Cool

        Jugsy, as a property manager for an apartment complex, snagged it after an eviction
        Wasnt really any place else to put it, so its in the home “office”. It gets reception over-the-air, so (((they))) can monitor what I watch

      • Chafed

        You take that back. I don’t monitor what you watch.

      • Tres Cool

        L’chaim!

  42. Chafed

    I had my first bad experience with Lyft tonight. Driver pulls up and I get in the car. Two seconds later I realize it stinks with body odor. I couldn’t quickly think of a way to get out of the ride. During the 10 minute drive I kept reassuring myself it’s just a 10 minute drive. Ugh.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I assume you did feedback after it was over?

      • Chafed

        I didn’t have the heart. I would have unloaded.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        You and the last passenger.

        Or, the driver.

        ?

    • Tres Cool

      So it seems someone DOES need 23 types of deodorant ? Was the driver a BernieBro ?

      • Chafed

        Said was pretty quiet so I doubt it.

    • Naptown Bill

      I get the impression some of those drivers are moonlighting after (or before) a regular cab shift and don’t have time to shower every day.

    • Tres Cool

      I cant read it. Its all squiggly marks.

      • Gustave Lytton

        ごめんなさい。

        岩田健太郎
        @georgebest1969
        I removed my YouTube clip myself since there is no need for further discussing this. Thank you and I apologize to those who got involved in.
        1:32 PM · Feb 19, 2020·Twitter Web App

    • Chafed

      Does all that Japanese say it’s a fast spreading plague?

      • Atanarjuat

        It says “Trump don’t trust China. China is ass hole!”

      • Chafed

        I can get behind that.

      • Tres Cool

        + Tomo News

    • Mojeaux

      Guaranteed someone downloaded it and will upload it again.

  43. Tres Cool

    Biden: “Our kids have to go to school and learn how to run behind walls and hide under desks”

    1950’s America: “duck and cover when there’s a nuclear war”

  44. Rhywun

    Concluding statements – they’re all Chumbawamba all of a sudden. I grew up in Oklahoma! (So?) I got knocked down! (BFD.)

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’ll take a whiskey drink.

      • KSuellington

        I’ll take a vodka drink.

      • Rhywun

        On it.

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      Appropriate, since Chumbawamba were lefty shitbags.

    • Ted S.

      You got knocked up, so you go down again?

  45. Tres Cool

    So since the DNC had a woman from telemundo (HAWT) asking questions at the DNC debate, would it be fair if someone from the Jerusalem Post was on hand for the Republicans?
    Or should they both be there ?

  46. CPRM

    Freeze! (Private) Secret Police!

    • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

      Got lost, Rent-a-pig!!

      • CPRM

        Did I miss anything fun?

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        Hell if I know. I figured the party would start when you got here; what with our new, bigger paycheck.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        I’m sorry–Did I say “our”?? I was in Bernie mode.

        Uh…NO! I was in…umm…Mikey mode.

        NO! Gropin’ Joe mode.

        Aww–forget it.

      • CPRM

        First payday is still a week away, no hookers and blow yet.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        Yet.

  47. Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

    Hehehehehe…Coo Hand Luke.

  48. hayeksplosives

    Hi all. I just got back from triumphing at Bar Trivia. So I’ve only just looked at Drudge and Glibs, etc.

    Holy cow. I think tonight being spent on frivolity was the right call.

    Can someone send me Nero’s fiddle?

    • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

      No, but, I may be able to throw together a washtub bass, if you like.

      /never, EVER, stop in the middle of a hoedown!!

      • hayeksplosives

        ~static~ Ho down! I repeat, Ho down on Broadway!

        Don’t stop her now! i’ve been told never to stop in the middle of a ho’ down so….

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        Well, you should always stop for a Winky Dinky Ho cake!

      • CPRM

        Man, if you were friends with a member of the Wayans family and had marginal acting skills, you had employment for a solid decade.

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        One down, one to go, I guess.

        /Damon; I swear, I’ve been taking acting classes!

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        Batty batty batty!

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        ???

  49. Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

    Lawyers of Reddit Gliberton: Please tell me he has a solid case here.

    I don’t rally care for the guy–I just want them taken to the cleaners.

    • Chafed

      I doubt it. He’s a public figure and neither tweet specifically accuses him of anything.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Damn…. Oh, well.

    • CPRM

      Well she paid for the phone! Why should she have to pay for the service?!

      • Lord Digby: Elitist SCUBA

        I think she claims the parents cancelled the contract. How could they do so, if it was her contract? Huh?! HOW?

        Oh, be sure to use her as your realtor–for all your real estate needs.

      • CPRM

        It seemed like she bought her own phone, but was on her parents plan; and thought it was her right to have service, because she bought the phone.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        You got more out of that than I did–I couldn’t wait to see her crushed by the velvet glove of EMERGENCY DISPATCHING!!

      • Chafed

        I’m surprised they didn’t throw some flash bang grenades in first. Before unleashing the SWAT team. Having said that, she’s a douche.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        That usually just results in a guy with a badge and a gun telling the person to stop it or else, and maybe a ticket, which is more likely on a second visit. All in all, I’ve never seen a cop get gleeful about arresting someone over their 911 bullshit.

        That they arrested her means she was (more than likely) quite the cunte. Still, SWAT and flashbangs are probably arm’s distance away nowadays. If we didn’t have shit in place that tells people to call the police for every problem they have, this “But this IS an emergency to me” crap would probably be so much more rare.

  50. Lord Digby declares Victory

    What–Did my musky odor, and cocky strutting, run everyone off?

    • CPRM

      CPRM on February 19, 2020 at 11:58 pm

      Quit being so fucking needy.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Oh–so, you thought you’d just piggy-back on my thunder, did ya??

  51. Aloysious

    I can’t tell if I’m watching a major political party having a debate or the goddam Maury Povitch show.

    These people are retarded.

    • Lord Digby declares Victory

      Shhh! No one tell Aloysious about the people who want to vote for those shit-heads.

      These people are retarded.

      In many ways.

    • hayeksplosives

      Are they. though? Or are they shrewd observers of the idiots they need to get money and votes from?

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Hmmm….”why not both”?

    • CPRM

      The world is fucked. Let it all burn. Today I signed up for all my bennies and since I don’t have any kids I put my favorite adult niece to get any windfall my death would create. She’s been sucked into non-binary transmageddon, loves science but college advisers have talked her into poli-sci as her double major with drama. This won’t end well.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Yeeesh….no, not without a serious intervention.

        And prayer.

      • CPRM

        Yeah, since my dad died my family structure has radically altered. Until 5 years a ago I talked to her every day and was as close to a father figure she ever had. Then my dad died, then I couldn’t walk for 6 months, then my mom got a boyfriend, her mom and her baby daddy focused on the kids they have together.. Niece is on the spectrum, all this played hell on her. Now transmagedden has her. Sad.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Good lord. Mucho prayers for her, and, good on ya for persevering.

      • hayeksplosives

        Geez, dude. Sounds like your role is to keep moving ahead, keep the channels of communication to the niece available should she choose to fall back on sanity in this situation.

        Sometimes your example or wise words seem wasted and ridiculed by the young, then years later you find that those words and deeds influenced them for the better.

        You do you.

    • Chafed

      How about we put a bowl on xer head and trim around the edges.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        I’d love to see that happen. I’ve never seen a chili bowl g.a.f. about a person’s junk.

      • Chafed

        Nor the barber wielding it.

  52. Derpetologist

    artist’s statement

    I got out of bed in the middle of the night to write this. It came to me in a dream: Biden was giving his Corn Pop speech and the Thomas the Tank Engine song was in the background. If you would like to experience it for yourself, open up 2 youtube tabs, one with the Corn Pop speech and one with the song. Fun fact: that song can be background music to any rap song ever made: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jB5x-h_yYc

    As always, I appreciate the kind words and the honest criticism.

    And lastly, since I have off-topic-ed probably more than anyone here, feel free to say whatever on any of my posts. It does not bother me in the slightest. I am a free speech absolutist.

    There were a few Biden quotes that did I wish I had added, including:

    “I know I’m not supposed to like sports cars, but I do.”

    “These were al-Qaeda fighters, the first I’d ever seen up close, and they looked like badasses. As I passed on the outskirts of the grid, many of the prisoners stared directly at me. None of them cowered. I’ve been in a lot of prisons, but these guys showed a ferocity and a hatred unlike any I’d ever seen.”

    Poor Joe.

    Well friends, see you next time. If you have requests, let me know. I look forward to ripping Bloomberg.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        I am very happy you are back, and derping up my psyche.

        Kudos!

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        I say, let’s give Chafed a research grant.

      • Chafed

        Paid porno here I come! (pun intended) Woo-hoo!

  53. CPRM

    My little not brother has expressed he’d like to come back here to once again try to straiten out his life when he gets out of jail for this child support thing, which I’m all for as long he follows my rules, which will be stricter this time. But, one of the things he needs to do to straighten out his life is find gainful employment. We were hoping me getting a job at this place might give him a chance to overcome his mistakes, but given how I’m supposed to not interact with the other employees, I’m guessing it won’t work that way.

    • Derpetologist

      It’s a long shot, but I know an outfit that’s always hiring:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCmONrFBTRY

      It’d be pretty hard for a guy like your bro to get in, but it’s possible.

      Otherwise, send him to Alaska. Any guy with a pulse can get a job there.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Dennis Miller does say that the State bird of Alaska is the delinquent child support check.

    • Lord Digby declares Victory

      For clarification–Is he aware, and honest about his prospects for employment? As in, does he realize that being in jail may very well be a big barrier with some employers, and, that he may have to “start over”? Or, does he have an in-demand skill that makes him much more desirable as an employee?

      Wish I could assist with a job hunt–I can’t stand the idea that jail for child support is simply seen as ‘jail’, without the context.

      • CPRM

        “start over”

        He never got started. Felony conviction for stealing a golf cart when he was 18. Got out of jail, knocked up a girl. They broke up. His 20s were a waste. He’s almost 30, and was trying to turn around by being here I think, then jail for child support. Again, this is a case where I tried to go off and have my own life and everyone else around him enabled him taught him all the wrong lessons. He two was making some strides until my dad died. that’s one of those events that just shattered a lot of realities. That’s when he got the second baby mama, where this child support detention came from.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Wow; so, he really is close, family-wise, huh? Well, he’s gonna need a skill/skill set that makes him desirable to an employer, all things considered. Do you know of any training programs in your area (relative), and, do they help out people with criminal records? If there is a community college anywhere he can reasonably get to, that would be a good place to start. Of course, I’m imagining, based on things you’ve said about the area, that this isn’t the case.

        In any event, it’ll take time to get the Titanic turned around, but, yes–he needs to do something constructive with his time and bring in any money he can.

        Are the mommas’ families possible resources (“I am trying to get straightened out, for my kid and your daughter’s sake”)? If he’s as impulsive as he seems, he may not be ready to eat the kind of shit just-starting-out employees often have, especially at 30. Are you prepared for that possibility?

      • hayeksplosives

        Jailed for inability to pay child support. I thought america prohibited debtor’s prison.

        My own spousal unit was in debt for child support after his wife left him and took the 2 boys. He was a bartender and didn’t make much, so he had to give so much of his income to child support, he couldn’t afford medical care, rent, car repair, etc. So he went into arrears on child support.

        The state revoked his driver’s license (typical Minnesotan move against “dead beat” dads, which he certainly was not) because if a guy can’t pay child support, separating him from his one means to make money TOTALLY makes sense.

        Then they issued a warrant for his arrest for non-payment. (This is way before we married or even dated.) He went to the county courthouse on a Friday to address the warrant, and the clerk said to him “The judge who looks at these won’t be here until Monday. If you remit yourself now, you’ll spend all weekend in jail. Now, if you’ll just give me a minute, I’ll go get a notepad…”

        Super great clerk (a male) was giving him cover to turn around and leave that Friday, and he took it. Minnesota state law is brutal to men/dads regardless of who files.

        My ears pinned back when I heard the tale, so I asked for his tax docs and divorce decree. Found several loopholes and used my flair for good letter writing to call off the dogs and force his ex-wife to sell their old house and give him his share (conditional upon her remarriage, which had just occurred) so he got out of arrears and was back on his feet.

        A MN house of rep, Pam Wolfe, ran successfully simply on Men’s rights and Fathers’ rights in custody cases. Landslide.

    • Chafed

      How many times has he come to live with you only to flake out?

    • Mojeaux

      Whatever you do, do NOT recommend him for a position at your company. It would be very bad.

      • Chafed

        Listen to the nice lady. She’s right.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have to third this. If you recommend him, his actions will reflect on you, for good or ill, and it doesn’t sound like he’s gotten to a state where this would be a good thing. And you haven’t built up a record and reputation at the company to offset the damage it might do if he flaked out and caused problems.

  54. Lord Digby declares Victory

    I don’t know if anyone who’s read my tale of woe about my Amazon-ordered sword is around, but: After more than a week of back-and-forth with the seller (and their pretty bad Engrish), I had agreed to give it until the 17th before requesting a refund. Then, in an attempt to be nice (::eyeroll::) I told them about the 17th being a holiday, and that I would wait until the 19th. No updated tracking so far.

    Early Wednesday morning (the 19th), I put in for the refund, and Amazon says they’ve credited it back, Tell the wife about it, and that I didn’t actually see any credit. On a lark, I re-Google the tracking #…it’s at the local P.O. hub. Just like that. A month and a half with absolutely no tracking info added, including it being at Customs (which is pretty damned common for USPS to do), and the minute I get a refund, the damned thing is in town. I quickly requested to reverse the refund, but not sure if it took.

    Of course, USPS tries to deliver it yesterday, but, it requires a signature for some reason (was never mentioned in the sale), so I have to trudge up there in the morning to pick it up. Friggin’ thing better be in good shape, and not give me COVIDS.

    Then, there was this time in 19-dickety-two, after the Kaiser had stolen the word ‘twenty’….an onion on my belt….

    • CPRM

      I’m the target scammers are looking for I guess. I tried to buy a book off ebay in October for a christmas present for my nephew, it still hasn’t arrived; but I haven’t gotten around to making a complaint.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        Truth be told, I ordered a custom jedi costume from a one-man outfit (heh) in England in November of ’18. It made it to the US, and then just disappeared. Poor guy made me another and got it to me, but…how they hell does that happen???

        Also, I have found that USPS lost post “searches”, or research, has 0% success rate–at least, it does with me. Hell, even this sword, which is sitting 1 mile, give or take, from my house, hasn’t turned up in the search I initiated.

      • hayeksplosives

        USPS tracking suxx in general. Tells you when it shipped, then nada, then you get the shipment, then they email you that it arrived. WTH?

    • Chafed

      I ordered a sweatshirt for my wife. I didn’t realize it was coming from China. Postal tracking was worthless. 7 weeks later it arrived.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        It’s sad, sort of, that, in this day and age, I actively look for non-China online stores. Any international shipping has that PITA element, but it usually works out fine. But, the China shit is just…really?

        And, mine was USPS this go around! China Post actually seems to have been better than USPS. And, fellow citizens are actually wanting this type of service applied to all medical shit??

      • hayeksplosives

        I took part of my mandatory sick time off work to deal with an aBay “store” item from China.

        Tracking showed it as having arrived in Anchorage on Saturday, but held up in customs/import once then. Text reason was “ Clearance delay – Import – Description provided is insufficient to classify commodity.””

        So I called Anchorage Customs/import. The bureaucrat who answered clearly had no fucks to give but did offer to look it up by air waybill number.

        I said I didn’t know what that meant but that I had the FedEx tracking number. She said nope, has to be the air waybill number. I explained I bought the item on an elBay store, and she went “oooooh, a third party seller. That’s no good.” FFS, why?

        After some more pleas, I ended the call with “So the entire purpose of your job is to obstruct people from making legal market transactions. Well done. Have a nice day, and reflect on your fulfilling career.”

      • hayeksplosives

        Then I called FedEx Anchorage, who work out of the same building as USl customs Anchorage.

        Night and day difference,

        To shorten the long story, here’s the email I sent after the conclusion.

        “ Good day, xxxxMsnager.

        I want to send my sincere thanks and compliments on the efforts of your employee Kxxxx with my order 777xxxxxx She helped me today in trying to find out how to get information to Nicholas so that I can get my package freed from “import jail” in Anchorage Alaska.

        The government employed imports people in Anchorage were of no help at all, so I called Anchorage FedEx and everything changed! The FedEx people there and in Memphis have been friendly and professional all along the way. Kxxxx gave me additional reassurance that the extra information regarding my order will be personally passed through by her so that I can get my shipment (an RFID token implanted in a ceramic ring).

        Kxxx did FedEx proud, and I’m a life-long FedEx fan for work and home.

        Best regards,

      • hayeksplosives

        Oops, admin, please delete the accidental paste of all my contact info.

      • l0b0t

        I know it was an unintentional post but that is a bloody awe-inspiring job title.

      • hayeksplosives

        Thanks. It’s a living (looks at feet, kicks pebble, suppresses shit-eating grin).

        That department was created for me when I was hired. I thought I was joining as an engineer but my boss clued me in on the Grand Scheme in my first few days.

      • UnCivilServant

        So, what does the department do?

      • hayeksplosives

        UCS, You know i can’t tell you that in satisfying detail.

        Let’s just say I’m a big fan of Peace through Superior Firepower.

      • UnCivilServant

        If something does become public, you’ll let us know, right?

      • hayeksplosives

        Sure! We (well, our stuff) will be hitching a ride on the next Falcon Heavy—that is OK to share.

        The other stuff, not yet, but when the press releases are out, I can be sure it’s ok to share too. We have a broad base of work, to put it succinctly.

      • UnCivilServant

        We (well, our stuff) will be hitching a ride on the next Falcon Heavy

        You say that, and my first thought is “Space Lasers!”, with an obligatory exclaimation mark.

      • Sean

        Looks like someone is fishing for dick pics.

      • hayeksplosives

        Ha! Hardly.

        I trust you lot (except for HM) but I have emailed SP and OMWC ( the only BTB that I have info for) to please delete the signature portion of the pasted email. I dont need it up there to be absorbed by every Bot on earth forever.

      • hayeksplosives

        THANK YOU, FdA!! for removing my accidentally posted signature block!

      • hayeksplosives

        FedEx Anchorage dude was so cool he put me on hold while he trotted across the hall and personality laid eyes on my package, brought about by free markets and strangled by govt.

        He gave me specific names, numbers, and emails of FedEx Memphis (their National HQ) so I could get rolling.

        How awesome is that???

      • UnCivilServant

        Must be the anchorage office.

        When I had something lost in FedEx’s system, I just got the runaround.

        The eventually delivered it – three months after the replacement showed up.

      • hayeksplosives

        FedEx guy in memphis actually emailed me back after hours with this:

        Good evening,

        Thank you so much for the kind words regading XXXX’s service. I am thrilled that you’ve received the necessary information and directed to the proper agent.
        I will be sure to communicate with KXXXX and to let her know how great your experience was.

        It is always a pleasure to hear such feedback and I truly appreciate you taking a moment to share.

        Thank you again and I wish you an exceptional night.

        –MXXXX

        Kind regards,

      • R C Dean

        Good on ya, splosives. I often mean to send kudos for frontline people, but rarely actually do.

      • hayeksplosives

        Words can be powerful. Most mangers probably hear only complaints. I actively try to send compliments if I get above-and-beyond service.

        Guess what? The earners of the praise get the recognition and I get great service from there on out. Plus, they are a little happier and maybe they pay it forward.

        I was changing a flat tire on my Expedition years back on a busy road. A Scheans food delivery guy pulled over behind me and took over the operation. I noted his badge name and plate number.

        I called the Schwann’s office and asked the receptionist if I could give a compliment to a driver for roadside assistance but didn’t want him to get in trouble for doing it on duty.

        She said it’d be fine and gave me the manager info.

        I wrote him a letter of thanks and kudos to the driver. Manager wrote back gushing with thanks and said he gave the guy a bonus of $1000 for that! I said he’d earned it for Schwann because hundreds of Minneapolis residents saw a Schwann driver changing a lady’s tire that day.

  55. Jarflax

    Never wait to jot down a clever idea you have. I have been sick all day so I crashed at 8, woke up a bit after midnight and just lay around thinking for a bit and had an interesting thought about something I wanted to explore in my next article. I didn’t get up and write a note and now it is gone, like don’t even remember what part of the topic the idea was even about, gone.

    • Chafed

      Listen to something soothing. It will bring it back.

      Mo likes this when she loses an idea.

      https://youtu.be/utyXQqZ35do

      • Jarflax

        Yeah it came back, it seems mor obvious and less clever when examined :(.

        Compromising by accepting a smaller degree of a liberty you want but do not have is wise and principled. Compromising by giving up any portion of a liberty you currently have is neither. Liberty minded folk are bad at distinguishing between these ideas and it costs us in the war against the progressives, who up until recently understood the concept of the ratchet.

      • hayeksplosives

        A little rough around the edges, but with some editing and re-writing, you might have one for the ages. Look again tomorrow. Or post and we will critique it to within an inch of its life.

  56. CPRM

    My bartender (me) is cutting me off. g’night glibs.

    • Lord Digby declares Victory

      Night, yo.

    • Lord Digby declares Victory

      “Sex worker license”

      Sad? Funny? Bah! What a load of horse shit.

      • Chafed

        You know there is something more to this. Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter did porn. I don’t what is with these adult children but I doubt it is a need to express themselves.

      • Lord Digby declares Victory

        I doubt I’ll ever know, or, fully understand what their growing up was like. Plus, Cate Capshaw is OK with that??

        Just weird all around.

      • hayeksplosives

        Is it a need to get attention aside from so-and-So’s daughter?

        Then working it for the camera is fastest way for the unruddered and untalented to make a splash.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Sad.

    • hayeksplosives

      Daily Mail has a lengthy piece on it.

      They’re borderline mainstream

  57. UnCivilServant

    Bodies needed to be dealt with quickly, as the same miserable conditions that tormented the living sped along putrefaction. I took my turn with the shovel as we dug Meric’s grave in the early morning light. The cemetary was outside the walls, on a hill where the water didn’t stick around too long. Simple markers indicated who was interred there. I recognized a lot of the names, and self-consciously wondered how many of the original expedition were left. If not for new settlers being brought in, Nachval would have vanished already. The settlement with its bamboo palisade was on the shore of a small lake. The lake was the root of a river delta whose braided channels connected us to the sea. Constant cutting of bamboo for fuel and building material had pushed the edge of the green back from the fields of crops. Lukas hadn’t been entirely accurate in his assessment. The farmers had gotten lentils, greens, carrots, and onion to grow. The orchard of Xesor fruit had finally bloomed. A few stubborn souls had even managed to cultivate flax. We weren’t exactly starving. The hogs and chickens were doing just fine, and there were oysters and fish in easy reach.

    But people hadn’t come to Nachval to eke out a living in unpleasant conditions. That’s not what gets someone to uproot their whole life. They wanted to strike it rich. It was a shame most of them didn’t have a clue how.

    • Gender Traitor

      Latest from On Unknown Shores? (Am I remembering the title correctly?)

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re remembering the title correctly, but no, this is from a random side story I’ve got laying around. Nachval is actually founded by Dug as a spot for ships to resupply on long voyages. He does so after he gets home. The narrator here is Eugen Sulzbach, who has a longer, partially finished piece with a working title of “Sellstaff” describing the life of a Jurneyman wizard sent out on short term contracts by the Academy (which is also a sort of craft guild for wizards)

      • UnCivilServant

        Hrmm…

        “Banker of Stirnberg” wraps up today.

        On one hand, I have 16k words of Eugen’s story written. On theother hand, it’s not finished, and I’m terrible at getting more done when people are waiting.

      • Gender Traitor

        “Banker of Stirnberg” wraps up today.

        ::sets alarm on phone for 12 p.m. EST::

        I’m terrible at getting more done when people are waiting.

        Oh, not to worry – I’m not waiting for OUS. ::gazes skyward, whistles, tries to stop foot from tapping::

      • UnCivilServant

        Now I’m reminded that work has stacked my afternoon with one really long meeting where we have to revise the justification for the business partner to pony up for the upgrade to their very expensive piece of software they’re heavily dependent upon but which they’ve underfunded maintenence of to the point where the next browser patch will render it unusable. And they’re still like a petulent child, kicking and screaming and going “but I don’t wanna – but you gotta keep it working anyway”

      • Gender Traitor

        one really long meeting

        Definition of Hell.

      • UnCivilServant

        There’s not even enough people in the meeting for me to serrupiciously check in on comments from time to time.

      • UnCivilServant

        In order to get the between contracts stipend, a Journeyman has to report to the annex once daily and do whatever middling task gets assigned to them. Typically this is helping to grade written work from academy students. It helps the placement office keep track of who is not on contract so no one gets lost in the shuffle. So, without an active contract, I reluctantly reported to the Journeyman Annex and was told to mark up essays first-years had done on Lithophalanges’ Principles of Aetheric Current. ‘Stonefingers’ was the pen name of a Dwarf nobleman who’d done his work at a time when the Dwarven nobility were expected to be warriors first, foremost and only. Though his work in documenting and codifying what had been up to that point a mish-mash of oral traditions formed the bedrock of all subsequent arcane study, his real name was lost to time. Failing to understand Stonefingers meant washing out of the Academy.

        So I had a stylus, a pot of red ink and a copy of Principles of Aetheric Current to reference as I found a quiet table on the second floor of the annex. If I’d been hoping for new insights into a work I was all too familiar with, I was sorely disappointed. I did find three students who’d turned in the same paper verbatum, and then there was poor Marlene Sausenfarber. I didn’t want to be negatively disposed by the fact that she’d used two inches of the first page writing out her name in flowery calligraphy. But it would have helped if she’d bothered to read Lithophalanges’ work. From her writing, she had neglected his. I did not state this outright, but simply expended a great deal of red ink laying out how what she’d written did not mesh with the contents of the book they were supposed to be writing about.

  58. hayeksplosives

    Excellent work there, Derpy. Bravo.

    When you string together all his gaffes, it does make a fascinating profile.

    • hayeksplosives

      LAS VEGAS, NV—As the 1,207 remaining presidential candidates on the Democratic debate stage Wednesday night proceeded to tear each other to shreds over policy and whether a millionaire or a billionaire should run the nation, Trump stood backstage watching stoically.

      “Should we intervene?” Mike Pence asked nervously, clearly spooked by Pete Buttigieg. “I’ll have your personal security force take them all out. Just say the word, sir. Or I can release the hounds if you prefer.”

      But Trump simply shook his head. “Let them fight,” he said solemnly. “Let them destroy one another. I enjoy watching them bicker amongst themselves, tearing each other limb from limb like hyenas. No, we will simply let them fight one another. Then, when there is nothing left but ashes, I will swoop in and claim what is mine.”

      Once all the candidates had killed one another, Trump stepped on stage and pointed to a chart of the economy and was immediately declared the winner of the debate.

  59. UnCivilServant

    Sean – with the extended magazine release lever, is it even possible to work the control the lock the bolt back on that 10/22?

  60. l0b0t

    My debate takeaway. Wow. Li’l Mikey called Grandpa Gulag a Communist and, along with Mayor Cheat, cracked wise about GG’s 3 houses. Scolds With Forked Tongue absolutely scalped Li’l Mikey over #metoo and all the NDAs he has with former lady employees. Amy The Comb-Eater appeared to have the DTs or, maybe the next-day-after-a-VERY-rough-night-on-acid tummy ache and jittery, palsied shakes. Shotgun Joe kept angrily reminding everyone he is old and has been in politics since Christ was a corporal.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Nice synopsis, thanks for watching it so I don’t have to.

      • hayeksplosives

        It’s a public service, really.

      • hayeksplosives

        Time is ripe for Marianne Willamson to jump back in. She makes the most sense of the Dems.

      • JD is Unemployed

        The smear job done on Tulsi was epic. From what I can tell, Bernie Bros and the progressive left consider her some kind of Russian “whore”, from the seeds of hate sown by Her and her minions. All the progressive policy choices they want plus actual clearly stated foreign policy goals (although it’s not like she’d ever have the power to go against the warhawk industrial complex).

        So, President Magic Crystals. Not the president America wants, but the president it deserves? Or something.

      • hayeksplosives

        If Tulsi weren’t a “social democrat” on domestic issues, i would have considered pulling the lever for her.. But she was all universal healthcare, student debt, yada yada.

      • Tejicano

        She basically want to turn the rest of the US in a political copy of Hawaii.

      • l0b0t

        Ya know, I could perhaps take off my hat of anarcho-principals, don my stocking-cap of compromise, and agree to some of these programs if it meant a true commitment to anti-interventionism and an effort to clean-up/streamline the FedGov apparatus. I know that’s never gonna happen. Are you at least working on propulsion? I LOVE rail guns; I want one in handgun size but damn… we need to get off this planet and establish a new frontier society with the quickness.

      • hayeksplosives

        Lobot, if serious , email me at my casually posted ya address and I’ll send you a published paper on our thoughts.

      • l0b0t

        To be fair, I just listened to the Razorfist debate livestream during my overnight shift at the supermercado. I don’t think I have the intestinal fortitude to slog through the actual broadcast.

    • MafiaBellyInTwist

      No matter who gets out of that mess, none of those Democrats will beat Trump in November. It’s just not happening. I just wish that the election was sooner so that we could get it over with.

  61. AlmightyJB

    Lol. Well done!

  62. JD is Unemployed

    That’s not funny.

    I’m sorry.

    • Gender Traitor

      I only meant that it wasn’t funny because Marmaduke isn’t funny. ; )