Injun Zombie Presidential Candidate #6: Failure

by | Mar 16, 2020 | Fiction, Satire, Zombie Candidate | 528 comments

A week had passed since her fateful run-in with Charlie and the Scientist, but the shock had still not worn off. Thankfully the damage to her campaign from doing a drive-by cameo was minimal. Unfortunately, the campaign was looking bleak at this point. Super Tuesday did not treat Lizzie well. All of the scrubs had dropped out, even that Bloomberg troll, but she was facing a harsh reality.

She had held off the concession long enough, and she knew that Joe could be bought, whether by endorsement, by cash, or by a little bit of rubby rubby, tuggy tuggy. Senator was a nice enough gig, maybe a senior position? A flood of emotions caught her for the first time in this life. Fear, disappointment, and a most peculiar loneliness. After all these years, her sole purpose in life wasn’t to be. She would not be the President.

Her mind carried her back to memories decades old. Charlie teaching her Austrian economics. The Scientist testing her on the conclusions of various 19th and 20th century thinkers. The debate training, the charisma training, the ethics training. Year after year of them trying to shape this lump of flesh into the perfect Presidential candidate.

She reflected on the struggles. Charlie trying to understand why the lessons didn’t take. The late night conversations overheard through the wall, tinged with fear and confusion. “Why is she a damned socialist, Charlie? She’s a nagging, condescending bully! Where the hell did that come from?” the Scientist’s voice echoed through her mind.

“It’s all about the long game,” Charlie would tell Abner when he came to visit, “We can’t achieve our goals if we don’t play along until the conclusion. We can’t just break her, we have to break him.”

Lizzie sank to her knees in the middle of the Whole Foods kombucha aisle, a half empty bottle slipping from her hand and joining a small pile of its compatriots. Drinking her pain away in the only way she knew how… with probiotics. Her aides would have to deal with the consequences later.

She had finally stumbled upon the futility of it all. She was the ‘her’ and the Scientist was the ‘him’. Her entire life had been orchestrated by Charlie, whoever he really was, to fail in the singularly most painful way to both her and to the Scientist. She was an ambulating abortion, undead never truly resurrected.

All of that “not quite enough” carefully plotted and executed at the behest of somebody… But who was pulling the strings? Charlie couldn’t be more than a puppet. Abner wasn’t smart enough to coordinate a pizza delivery, and besides, he wasn’t around all that much anyway. Who had the most to gain from defeating the Scientist by ending the Warren presidential campaign with a whimper?

Through her sobs, she heard footsteps approaching from behind. With a pair of wipes of her thumb, she smeared her dripping mascara across her face, creating the appearance of a gaunt raccoon. As her eyes slowly raised to meet her visitors, she unsuccessfully tried to suppress her embarrassment. Her aides didn’t need to see her this way. However, when she saw who was standing in front of the endcap of organic fruit snacks, she knew that the time had come. Charlie and the Scientist had somehow gotten through the blockade her aides had erected around Whole Foods.

“Did you think that you could succeed without us?” the Scientist asked impassively.

“Did you really think you could do it on your own?” his tone and cadence rose in a way that Lizzie had almost never heard before. He was irritated, verging on angry, and his body language began to betray his frustration.

“I have been slaving away for over a century! Years and years of painstaking research, experimentation, failure, rebirth, hiding and running! Decade after decade of crafting identities, working in the shadows, all in the name of installing responsible governance at the highest level!” his roar was unlike anything Lizzie has experienced in the past. The Scientist was always an imposing man, but in his old age, he had become angry and bitter.

“All I ever wanted was to give the people what they desired,” he poorly faked a tone of contrition, clearly signaling his volatility. “95% of Americans are receptive to the fiscal restraint and social tolerance of libertarianism, but you had to become a fucking STATIST, a damned SOCIALIST!” his spittle flecked the wares on the shelves as he frothed the last word. His glare pierced Lizzy’s soul as he reinforced her feelings of fear and emptiness.

Barely above a whisper, Lizzie replied, stifling the catch in her throat, “But I never had a chance. I could never have been what you wanted me to be,” breaking into pathetic sobs, she continued between breaths, “Charlie… wouldn’t… let it happen!”

The Scientist turned to Charlie, 100 years of vitriol flowing over. He was shaking in rage as he confronted his long time colleague. “You! It was always you, wasn’t it! The Kennedy creature, this one being female, the constant setbacks! I had suspected that the evil ones had infiltrated our network, but I would have never imagined it was you!” the Scientist sighed in overwhelmed frustration, the fury momentarily ebbing. “You are the one who sullied the libertarian name! ” he barked, jabbing a sharp finger into the sternum of Charlie, “I spent 15 years as the head of the Columbia County Oregon Libertarian Party, only to watch you and those like you destroy our good name! You’re nothing but a PAULISTA BULLY!”

As the Scientist accosted Charlie, Lizzie felt a deep urge to defend the man who had raised her, taught her, and molded her. Charlie was her father, and the Scientist was that abrasive uncle that nobody likes.

With her last ounce of restraint, she held back from pouncing on the Scientist. Her restraint was rewarded when Charlie rebuffed the Scientist’s affront with an unfeeling smile.

“Paulista? You think I’m a Paulista?” Charlie chuckled overemphatically. “We are not concerned with your petty political sects. We are only interested in the power required to satiate our queen. You want to see evil? Ron Paul isn’t the face of evil, she is.”

Charlie gestured down the aisle to a creature that was more ichor than humanity. A writhing mass of inky blackness, patchy hair and mangled skin. A terror too horrible to be imagined.

“You see, Michael, you stumbled across something not quite of this world. You weren’t bringing people back from the dead using science, you were using witchcraft and you didn’t even know it. And now, as your grand experiment fails at our hands, you will know that your pathetic little quest to bring peace, love and the non-aggression principle to the masses will end alongside your life.” Charlie sneered.

Lizzie, compelled by something within, picked up a broken kombucha bottle and rent the Scientist’s innards with a superhuman strength. The ecstasy of the kill shuddered her body orgasmically as a pallid shock swept across the Scientist’s face.

“But, but I…” the Scientist trailed off as he crumpled to the floor, lifeblood spilling out on the linoleum floor. Michael Hihn, the last true libertarian, was dead. As he breathed his final breath, the shining city on the hill went dark. Liberty was extinct.

A gurgling cackle emanated from the creature as she approached Lizzie, who was paralyzed not from fear, but from compulsion.

“My dear, she’ll be needing back what she gave to you oh so many years ago. You’ve fulfilled your purpose for us.” Charlie condescendingly addressed Lizzie.

“But, I don’t understand, who is she?” Lizzie asked, still forced into rigidity.

“I go by many names,” a familiar, if distorted, voice replied. “I am one. I am many. I have been men, I have been women. I have shared my essence with the powerful to steer the course of history. I have been pharaohs and kings, politicians and Presidents. I now am one that you know, one that lies in wait for the opportunity to seize my rightful power. The power over the fallen angels that are Man! I share myself with many others, including yourself, all to imprint my will on the pestilence that calls itself humanity.”

The creature seized Lizzie by the throat and inserted its spindly tendrils into the bottoms of her eye sockets. As the breathtaking pain radiated throughout her head, Lizzie tried to scream to no avail.

“Your Demon, I will need it back. Now it is time to return what you were lent.”

Within an instant, everything was gone. Elizabeth Warren was a husk with nothing inside. A few lifetimes of experiences, some autonomic functions, barely enough capacity to calculate action. With a distant look in her eyes, she mumbled to Charlie, “I know what must happen.”


“Excuse me!” Charlie, with Lizzie supported on his shoulder, grabbed the attention of the aide nearest the entrance to the campaign bus. “She had a pretty bad fall in there. Can you help me get her in there to lay down?”

He passed the impassive body of Elizabeth Warren to Jazz. When Lizzie saw who it was, she emotionlessly slurred a command, “Prepare the concession speech.”

About The Author

trshmnstr

trshmnstr

I stink, therefore I am.

528 Comments

  1. JD is Unemployed

    Well that was intense.

  2. MikeS

    Wow.

  3. Lackadaisical

    It’s Clinton isn’t it?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I think it’s Eleanor Roosevelt.

    • Sean

      It’s not Tulsi…

  4. Crusty Juggler

    “rubby rubby, tuggy tuggy”

    What are games Old Man With Candy plays?

    • Not Another Naked Digby

      So, it’s not one of the cats from….well, Cats?

  5. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Needs more ichor.

    But otherwise enjoyable.

    • C. Anacreon

      Hey now!

      Hey now!

      Ichor Ichor all day…..

  6. CPRM

    I drank a bunch of beer before I went to sleep, and when I woke up I had a slight headache and felt a little nauseous. I must have the virus!

    • MikeS

      Is posting the same thing in two consecutive threads a symptom?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

      • Ted S.

        Did drugs fall out of his ass?

    • Crusty Juggler

      SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME

    • Hyperion

      Yeah, the beer virus. Especially bad from cheap Mexican beer. We used to call it a hangover.

    • Rebel Scum

      Imbibe some dihydrogen-monoxide. No, wait. That sounds dangerous too. I hear it is a major killer.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah, dihydrogen-monoxide wiped out most of the people on the Titanic! (well, technically, most of them were no longer on the Titanic when they perished…)

  7. Crusty Juggler

    “Michael Hihn, the last true libertarian, was dead”

    Pour a little out for the OG.

    • Hyperion

      Hihnfected thread!

      Hah, my memory is still lazer sharp, get off my lawn millennialtards!

      • Rebel Scum

        BULLY.

  8. straffinrun

    “I am one. I am many. I have been men, I have been women.”

    Brave courage.

    • Lackadaisical

      much rainbow.

      also, have I ever mentioned that I appreciate your avatar?

      • straffinrun

        Fighting xenophobia one avatar at a time.

      • Count Potato

        Who is your avatar?

      • straffinrun

        Yes.

      • MikeS

        It sure as hell ain’t Demi Rose.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Staff hates fatties

      • Count Potato

        Also, answering questions.

      • straffinrun

        It’s pronounce “Ho”. The “W” is silent. Happy? (Random pic I found online).

  9. Rebel Scum

    I just sneezed. And I had a bit of a running nose yesterday after cutting the grass. The only dangerously irrational logical conclusion is that I have contracted the Wubonic Plague.

    • Rhywun

      That was Sunday. The outright closures start tonight. Dudebros and those who admire them will have to find something else to do.

    • straffinrun

      Wrong Chippewa.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Good boots.

      • straffinrun

        It’s the only reason my little town of 10K is known by Gen Xer men here. They love those things.

      • Crusty Juggler

        As do I. Get buy! Fuck you, Red Wing!

      • Rhywun

        There’s another Chippewa besides the party street in downtown Buffalo?!

      • straffinrun
      • straffinrun

        The cook is an asshole. Fight me.

      • The Last American Hero

        I don’t know about the cook but you’re the guy looking to throw down over him.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        I say that “Gitche Gumee” sounds exactly like something you’d call Eliza Warren.

        Also, the weather was the overly shitty one. The cook could only play the hand he was dealt.

        And, why can’t these sailors handle a pop-tart and cup of Sanka in rough weather?

    • gbob

      I went to the old Pink tonight to say a temporary goodbye to my favorite dive bar, and all its meth addled bikers, aging punks, old creepy dirtbags, and get really deplorable folks. The bar was packed. Felt like an Irish wake. Had a great discussion with a guy telling me all about making hooch in prison.

      A damn bit of Buffalo history that may never reopen thanks to the scaremongers. Fuck Cuomo.

      • Crusty Juggler

        MAGA!

      • Rhywun

        The Pink will never die.

      • Lackadaisical

        yeah, I’m inclined to believe that as well.

      • Lackadaisical

        it’s incredible how badly everyone shat themselves.

      • Lackadaisical

        I’m just worried if this will bve used as a precedent for future pants shitting.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Shits of Future Pants?

  10. Hyperion

    “Super Tuesday did not treat Lizzie well.”

    But SloJo has already announced her (Lieawatha) as VP, like his masters commanded. The feminazi butthurt will be much less this time.

    • MikeS

      He did? I saw he only said that it would be a woman.

      • Rhywun

        It’s going to be Kamala.

      • Hyperion

        She’s even more unlikable than Warren and her vote numbers were abysmal. And it really does not matter, the DNC decided long ago that it’s Warren. And whoever it is will be crushed like bugs by bad orange man (and it will be Warren). There is no solution for them. Even a pandemic cannot save them.

      • Suthenboy

        ^This^

      • Rhywun

        I dunno. He’s going to be under intense pressure to select a woman of hue. Also, they might decide that the country isn’t ready for Lizzie yet.

      • Hyperion

        Harris is a completely unlikable shrew and it showed in her very low numbers. Warren did very well for a while. It will be Warren. She’s liked a lot more by the left and Bernie Bro types because of her far left rhetoric.

        Won’t make much difference, but it’s all they have.

      • Hyperion

        I’m filling you in now so you don’t have to wait.

  11. Suthenboy

    “Hell yes we are going to take your guns. If you don’t comply we will send thugs to. your house to kill you.”

    “Yes we are going to take your guns. What are you going to do? We have nuclear bombs.”

    “Yes I am going to ban single family dwellings”

    “I am going to have a nine year old trans child screen my cabinet choices.”

    “I am going to give away free money to everyone in the country.”

    “I am going to raise taxes to 90%”

    “I am going to make sure that middle aged men in dresses can go into public bathrooms with your 12 year old granddaughter.”

    That is just a few choice gems off of the top of my head from the democratic candidates.

    Trump: “I want your family to be safe and more prosperous”

    I have been tugging my chin all day long and I still cant decide who to vote for.

    • Rebel Scum

      You’re gonna need a lot more than a AR-15 to take on the US government. – Sleepy Joe

      Sounds like a threat. And i true, why is he scared of the citizens owning them?

      • Rebel Scum

        And if* . . .

      • Suthenboy

        No one in the history of the world wanted to make. you helpless, unable to defend. yourself, for your own good.

        Thankfully, Creepy Joe is never going to be president.

      • Suthenboy

        Ugh. My keyboard has a glitch in it and inserts periods when I hit various buttons.

      • Lackadaisical

        It’s the period button isn’t it? happens to me all the time.

      • Tulip

        It’s not the keyboard. You have bleeding in your brain. GO GET CHECKED!

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Dammit, do I have to drive down there and drag you to a med facility?

        When all of your friends are telling you that you’re fucking up, you’re probably fucking up.

      • Brochettaward

        Don’t listen to these pussies. They drive mini-vans and only let their kids play soccer.

      • DEG

        When all of your friends are telling you that you’re fucking up, you’re probably fucking up.

        Yes. Get checked Suthen.

      • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

        Suthen, I got clocked in the back of the head 13 months ago by some teenaged punk, and I’m still having occasional problems with cognition. Get checked out, mang.

      • Hyperion

        “They drive mini-vans”

        I really prefer the term ‘Bimbo Box’.

      • C. Anacreon

        True fact: Suburban women caused the movement to minivans away from station wagons.

        Unspoken reason: In minivans and SUVs with their high seating areas, you can put your kids in the back seat without having to bend over. In sedans and station wagons, you might stick your ass up in the air for everyone in the world to see while you buckle in the kids, and truly nothing is worse than that.

        Don’t believe me? Ask a woman who you can trust and confide in.

      • DEG

        I think Top Gear UK mentioned that fact too.

      • Hyperion

        “True fact: Suburban women caused the movement to minivans away from station wagons.”

        I bought my wife a new SUV, because it’s of course safer. Vans are the worst vehicles ever made, for every possible reason.

      • Not Another Naked Digby
  12. mikey

    Wonderful

    • mikey

      “… standing in front of the endcap of organic fruit snacks, she knew that the time had come. ”
      Heh.

  13. Sean

    I am looking forward to spending some quality time with my RetroPie setup and extra range time.

    Go Coronavirus!!!

    Also, I can catch up on some tv shows.

    My gf is on a tear these days. She’s on the phone right now complaining about how the federal government has too much power over our lives. It’s quite the rant and I have no idea who she’s talking to. Ohh..We’re onto socialized medicine…I’m aroused…

      • Sean

        She just hit on veterans and the poor care they get from .gov

        I’m perplexed as to who it is.

      • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

        Take her, d00d. Take her NOW!  ;-)

    • DEG

      My gf is on a tear these days. She’s on the phone right now complaining about how the federal government has too much power over our lives. It’s quite the rant and I have no idea who she’s talking to. Ohh..We’re onto socialized medicine…I’m aroused…

      Sounds like in addition to range time and TV time, you’ll have lots of sexy time.

      • Sean

        I have zero complaints. Turns out it was her sister.

        *shrug*

      • DEG

        Is her sister single?

      • Sean

        Nope. And filled with. ?????

      • DEG

        Shit.

      • Rebel Scum

        filled with. ?????

        Sounds like my type.

      • Hyperion

        Here’s your opening to create the next mythical libertarian woman. It took me nearly a decade to do this. And now she’s a Trumpet, but she’s my Trumpet.

      • Suthenboy

        My wife is a mythical libertarian woman but I cant take credit. She was that way when I met her. It is one of the reasons I married her.

      • Sean

        She’ll outshoot you, and will try to outdrink you. My work here is done, short of bionic enhancement.

      • Rebel Scum

        She’ll outshoot you, and will try to outdrink you.

        This is why I stick to dating Democrats.

    • straffinrun

      Keeper.

  14. Hyperion

    “Michael Hihn, the last true libertarian”

    I could have sworn that was Shreek, AKA Buttplug, with the libertarian purity score higher than Ron Paul.

  15. Count Potato

    “Trudeau closes Canadian borders to most foreign travellers amid coronavirus outbreak

    Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced on Monday that Canada will be closing its borders to most foreign travellers in an attempt to limit the spread of the novel coronavirus.

    Speaking to reporters from Rideau Cottage in Ottawa, Trudeau said Canada is taking “increasingly aggressive steps” and will be closing its borders to people who are not Canadian citizens or permanent residents of Canada.

    Trudeau said the restrictions will come into effect Wednesday but that exceptions will be made for air crews, diplomats, immediate family members and U.S. citizens.”

    https://globalnews.ca/news/6682040/coronavirus-trudeau-address-nation/amp/

    • Hyperion

      “Trudeau closes Canadian borders to most foreign travellers amid coronavirus outbreak”

      Racist.

    • Rhywun

      It’s still xenophobic when Donald does it, right?

      • Count Potato

        Of course. See #28.

    • Jarflax

      The world is full of idiots, assholes, and authoritarians. Some people check more than one box.

    • Q Continuum

      Alternate headline: “Antifa Failures Volunteer to be CLEANSED”

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        ^THIS^

        I’m sure she’s ready and able to be one of those, “getting the back” of other thieves, and, this should set her up for getting a few in the back.

        Or, skull–it’s not being used, really.

    • Tejicano

      I’d bet her definition of “lawlessness” magically stops short of some shop owner stomping her @$$ for stealing his goods.

      • commodious spittoon

        Or certain ethnic minorities standing on certain rooftops holding certain implements.

    • Crusty Juggler

      She went on to say: “she can pass the disease on to all the garbage people in jail. They should die – they are in jail!”

    • Hyperion

      “including Meghan McCain, who demanded the social media star be jailed.”

      Jailed for what, fat girl?

      Maybe we should just send out the swat team to shoot her dead?

    • Rhywun

      social media star

      *snort*

      • Crusty Juggler
  16. Count Potato

    “Cow poop bath is yet another coronavirus ‘cure’

    Don’t have a cow? Fearing coronavirus, three men and one boy in Hiriyur, India, were filmed taking a dip in a bath filled with cow poop. “The whole world is terrified of the deadly virus outbreak,” one of the men said. “If we all start taking cow dung bath, we will attain immunity from the virus.”

    https://nypost.com/video/cow-poop-bath-is-yet-another-coronavirus-cure/

    Bullshit.

    • Hyperion

      OFFS!

    • Brochettaward

      I could never go to India. I couldn’t eat or drink anything there. Just an unhygienic people.

      • Tejicano

        I don’t see why – if these recurring pandemics are a natural outcome from high population densities in countries with poor hygiene – these are only coming from China (unless the Chinese are doing something to help them along).

    • Jarflax

      I am so proud to be an Ohioan right now I could hang myself…

      • Tres Cool

        I looked at Judge Richard Frye on followthemoney.org (do your own work, slave-tard!), but he seems generous to dem parties in his contributions
        Then DeWine took office, and he threw a generous rack @ Mike.

      • Nephilium

        But what will they do without the Irish crowding the polls?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Finally.

      • C. Anacreon

        A, o, oh way to go Ohio

    • Suthenboy

      “They mustn’t be forced to choose between their health and exercising their constitutional rights.”

      And there you have it, the authoritarian credo.

    • Raven Nation

      Huh, DeWine pulled an Andrew Jackson.

      Dick.

      • Hyperion

        It’s only going to take around 1000 more Trumps to destroy the status quo.

    • Gender Traitor

      ::bangs head on desk::

      You know, it takes a lot to get my butt out the door early in the morning, but I’m actually thinking of going over to my polling place before work tomorrow. I’m not one to make a scene, but if they don’t let me vote, I’d just like to let it be known that this clusterfuck is bullshit. If I make some old lady cry, well so be it.

    • straffinrun

      This tweet “unavailable”. What was it?

  17. Fourscore

    “she smeared her dripping mascara across her face, creating the appearance of a gaunt raccoon”

    Had me right there. That’s a woman of color. At least a colorful woman. I’m hooked…

    • Rebel Scum

      #3 for me.

      • DEG

        #3 is not bad.

        I like how #45 and #46 overflow.

    • Chafed

      This is what is going to get us through the crisis.

  18. Count Potato

    “There it is. I’ve been deathly afraid of this exact moment where Trump turns to racism and xenophobia and calls COVID-19 the “Chinese Virus.” We are in deep trouble as a nation now that President of the United States makes the conscious decision to go down this dark path of hate.”

    https://twitter.com/eugenegu/status/1239686751272103936

    CWAA

    • Hyperion

      “There it is. I’ve been deathly afraid of this exact moment where Trump turns to racism and xenophobia and calls COVID-19 the “Chinese Virus.” We are in deep trouble as a nation now that President of the United States makes the conscious decision to go down this dark path of hate.”

      Oh, fuck off!

    • Q Continuum

      That guy may not be the biggest loser in the world, but he’s definitely in the top 20.

      • C. Anacreon

        My company (a large physician group) forced me to get a twitter account (I’ve never posted) and set me up to ‘follow’ certain ‘important medical social media influencers’ including this asshole. Now I need to learn how to ‘unfollow’, no doubt it’s only a flick of a key or two. Don’t tell the boss!

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        The schmuck can’t even practice! Why the hell is he seen as “important”?

    • Rhywun

      Cue the media stories of Americans who demonstrate the “dark path of hate”. I won’t even bother linking, there’s one on the front page of most MSM sites every day. Obviously called to action by Trump instead of just being stupid ignorant assholes.

  19. Hyperion

    Plenty of Food

    Did the NYT just accidentally post an honest article? That guy will be fired before the week is out.

    • Chafed

      I’m genuinely curious to see what happens with the casinos. Congress, and the last two presidents, lost their minds with bailouts. I think we are going to find out if there is any industry they won’t bail out.

      • Nephilium

        Well the Brewers and the Grocery Association aren’t going to be left out!

      • Jarflax

        The Grocery association? The fuck do they need a bailout? They are selling out of things so fast they can’t restock.

  20. Chafed

    California is losing its collective (drink) mind. The City and County of Los Angeles are closing most public places and spaces but not the courts just yet. San Diego and San Bernardino Counties are closing their courts except for a limited number of emergency orders (think restraining orders of all types and flavors), and nine counties around the bay area have “shelter in place” orders going into effect. Good lord this is a mess.

  21. Hyperion

    Installing Borderlands 3. You have to be prepared for crisis like this.

    I mean, they’ve already found the well that the infected rat has fell down and know which demon he was possessed by, so what else is left to do? Gaming!

    • Nephilium

      You’re a day late. Steam set the record earlier (and Borderlands 3 was half off up until yesterday).

      • Hyperion

        Nope, I bought it 2 days ago when it was still on sale.

      • Hyperion

        70 GB, lol. That’s what we have to be mindful of. Needz MOAR multi-terrabyte SSDs.

      • Hyperion

        I still remember way back when, when I was first starting my Compsci degree. An engineer (dinosaur he was) who I worked with was poking fun at me because my HD had 10 MB of storage. No one will ever use 10 megabyes of storage he said. OK, Boomer.

      • pistoffnick

        I remember buying a used 20 MB harddrive for $200

      • Chipwooder

        Hah! I remember my dad needling his brother in law for buying a computer with 20 Mb of memory too – “oh, that salesman saw you coming from miles away!”

      • UnCivilServant

        Once upon a time I uttered the phrase “Who needs a gigahertz processor?”

        *hides 10-core, 3.5ghz machine behind back*

      • commodious spittoon

        I finally bought cables to hook up my old HDs from 10-15 years ago to see what’s on them. Turns out: absolutely nothing. Program files and nothing else. I guess I had the foresight to delete my personal files before I pulled them.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Wait a tic….shouldn’t you delete after you pull?

    • Rhywun

      This new release is more my jam. Been waiting a long time for it.

      • Hyperion

        It’s pretty, but I’m not much of a platformer fan.

      • Rhywun

        I felt the need to plug something other than the RPG’s everyone else plugs.

      • UnCivilServant

        But rocket propelled grenades are FUN!

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, I get it. I get burnt out too.

    • UnCivilServant

      Turns out I don’t have any interest.

      Maybe after Gearbox has gone out of business.

      • Hyperion

        The first game is a classic. I still want to live in a state that has legal weed just so I can smoke some while playing that game. Of course, MD will never legalize the devil’s herb, so I will have to move first.

      • Cacciatore

        I replay Blands 1 at least once a year. Blands 2 was a travesty, the guns weren’t nearly as fun.

        Blands 3 is…well…see my comment above.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Blands 2 was a travesty

        Oooh…that’s a paddlin’.

      • Cacciatore

        *below

        That was some advanced Brooksing.

    • Cacciatore

      They wokified the game and ruined it. Every competent male character has been relegated to obscurity and replaced by a wise-cracking GRRRRRL POWER! figure.

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, that’s what I hear.

    • Hyperion

      You don’t like WFH? I love it and it’s always my most productive days. Wife to bring me breakfast and lunch right to my desk and sooo freaking quiet. No commute, what more can you ask for?

      • Crusty Juggler

        It’s boring.

        your wife is there.

        People are good sometimes.

      • Hyperion

        The office is even more boring. Just saying…

      • Sensei

        I don’t miss the commute, but with the market this crazy it would be really helpful to be at work.

    • Nephilium

      Stir crazy Nephilium is going to get the fuck out of the house at some point this week. Bars closed. Gyms closed. Restaurants closed. Fuck it, the high is in the upper 40’s tomorrow. I may just see how far of a bike ride I can get in before it gets too dark or cold.

      And I’ll be damned if I’m not going to get a corned beef sandwich from somewhere tomorrow.

      • Hyperion

        Just go out and walk. I do that at least 5 times a week, at least 5-6 miles. Or go find out what’s still open. I like to walk, so I can always find something to do.

      • Nephilium

        It’s been raining and in the 30’s/40’s since I got back, and I don’t enjoy walking anywhere near as much as I enjoy biking, or being able to go anywhere.

      • Hyperion

        My wife has been talking about bikes, so I’m looking into buying for us. I’m not so much into it, but she is, so it would give us more stuff to do together. You have any suggestions for bikes? Our local store sells the Trek bikes. Some of them are insanely expensive, but they have some that seem to be quality but not too expensive. I’m thinking 500-600 each or at least under a thousand to get bikes for us?

      • Nephilium

        Very late response, but I’ve been contemplating looking to see if I ever finished up the article I was thinking about putting together about just this item. Short story, items to get in order:

        Comfortable hybrid bike (entry level/used) ~$500
        Water bottles (I like to mount two) ~$20, or talk to someone who’s done this a while
        Small Under Saddle Bag for emergency equipment (patch kit, tube, multitool) and equipment ~$50
        Bike Lock ~$30

        Above is what I would call the bare minimum kit, below would be the next things to pick up. Below this line is not mandatory, and I will start being well worth it when you’re starting to get over 20 miles/2 hours in the saddle.

        Bike Shorts (Name brand will set you back, but are worth it) ~$30 for Chinese knock offs, ~$100 for a good pair
        Another bag for the bike to hold snacks, sports drink mix ~$20
        Jerseys (The pockets on the back are very nice), ~$100

      • Chafed

        That’s how you GlibFit.

      • Nephilium

        /hides the link to the place I’m planning on getting the sandwich from

      • Chafed

        I forgive you my son. The bicycle riding heals all.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I just looked and Takumi’s calligraphy channel has no less than 4 different kana shodo videos. Then there’s everyone else’s videos.

      • Sensei

        Let’s not let that get in the way of the narrative…

    • Mojeaux

      Beautiful article, Sensei. Thank you.

    • straffinrun

      Interesting. I’ve been told my handwriting looks like that of a junior high girl. I’ll take it. My English handwriting looks like that of stroke victim.

    • Count Potato

      Gonna need moar pix first.

    • AlmightyJB

      It’s just another way to get guys to look at their tits.

    • Rebel Scum

      That burning sensation is just the alcohol drying out your nethers.

  22. Q Continuum

    Gun Glibz: Before I lost them all in a tragic fire, one of my AR15s just doesn’t want to cycle steel. It cycles brass fine, but steel looks like it’s short-stroking. Spare me the lecture about how steel ruins everything; my feeling is that if a gun won’t cycle steel occasionally, it speaks ill of its overall reliability. In any case, I’ve tried a thorough cleaning and lube as an obvious first step (no avail). Next step I suppose is fiddling with the buffer and spring. Does anyone have experience fixing undergassing/short stroking in that way? Next stop after that is the gas system itself, and I don’t feel comfortable screwing around with that. I’d like to avoid a trip to the gunsmith if possible.

    Thoughts?

    • Cacciatore

      You needed more gas, full stop.

      If you wanted your now tragically missing gun to perform properly in all conditions, you would have been wise to overgas it a bit. That is why most factory ARs come overgassed, slight hit in the recoil dept. but it keeps people from dropping one star reviews on good firearms because of operating systems they don’t understand.

    • Hyperion

      Sorry, can’t help you, there was a boat accident.

    • Tres Cool

      JET FUEL CANT BURN STEEL !

      • UnCivilServant

        But it can heat steel. And heated steel has less strength than cold steel. So it would not be able to hold as much weight and just collapse.

      • Cacciatore

        Yes. It will instantly cause a building specifically designed to withstand such a hit to collapse at free fall speed.

        Even all the unaffected steel many stories below the fire will fail. Totally a coincidence. No foul play.

      • Jarflax

        Well if instantly means after burning for an hour…

      • UnCivilServant

        You drop however many tons of material down on a finely engineered frame with certain load tolerances, you will exceed its shock strength and cause cascading structural failures.

        And no, the building did not collapse at “free-fall speed”

      • UnCivilServant

        *those tons being the weight of the floors above the impact zone being dropped 2-3 floors of vertical distance and hitting the floors below the impact zone like a pile driver

      • Brochettaward

        Spoken like a true normie who just believes whatever lies are spoonfed to him by the media and feds.

      • Tres Cool

        You’re getting into ‘malleable’ vs. “less strength”

      • Tres Cool

        My initial comment was “burn”, with the intent of conveying “combustion” or “incinerate”.

      • RAHeinlein

        You’re tearing Glibs apart, Tres!

      • Plinker762

        It can’t burn wood either.

        It’s the oxygen that does it.

      • Not Adahn

        Wood doesn’t burn. Vapors that are released by wood burn.

  23. Cacciatore

    How’s the head, Suthen?

    You can’t get brain damage on us; you’re my favorite Glib (‘least as far as opinions go on who deserves a hearty “Fuck you!” … we never disagree).

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      we never disagree

      That’s when I started to appreciate j_sub_d at TOS. I realized that I agreed with him 100% of the time. I don’t agree with my wife 100% of the time.

      Miss the dude.

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        Aw. I only lurked, but ditto. Glad I caught him on that car restoration show.

      • pistoffnick

        which car restoration show?

      • DEG

        It was Almanian who had the car on a show. The show was on Velocity channel.

        I saw it. It was a nice episode.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I think that’s Almanian!

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        Oh, sorry; you’re right. Great, bum me out further.

  24. RAHeinlein

    Last 15-minutes:

    1. Condo management sends email about Coronovirus, saying “be a good neighbor and don’t use any of the facilities (health club, pool, common areas, etc).” I sent a response asking whether staff are furloughed, and requesting the management group explicitly state whether we are able to use paid amenities. Manager calls me within 2-minutes, “that was only for sick people” (BS), “staff are maintained and working around the clock to keep cleaning” – I respond “if we can’t use it, no need to pay staff, it is not the role of owners to subsidize”

    2. College of son #2 sends email to all parents about reimbursement for room/board – nope, too late in the semester. OK, not a problem for me, I wasn’t expecting a refund. However, dorms and dining will be available for “students who have a good reason to stay on campus” (bonus for those who have a good guess), BUT students who have paid for travel abroad during their “May term” are out of luck because the college already paid money to a third party. Nasty-gram sent.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      However, dorms and dining will be available for “students who have a good reason to stay on campus” (bonus for those who have a good guess)

      At my university the only ones allowed to stay in the dorms are a) international students, as they have nowhere else to go, and b) athletes, because of NCAA rules about residency.

      • leon

        You’d think the NCAA would make some modifications about those rules, especially since sports got shanked.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Surprisingly enough, the Federal government, of all groups, has been understanding and rational concerning the regulations for international students and online classes. Typically, an international student can only take 1 online course per year or semester, I forget which, and a student on a language development I-20 has to have a minimum of 18 clock-hours of face to face classes per week. We were all wondering what the government would do. I figured the bureaucrats would just choose the path of least resistance and send them all home. However, they just required institutions to give them 10 days notice if switching to online and filling out a form specifying which courses and how oversight will be handled.

      • Sensei

        We are going through this now with my son in college too. PITA. I think it is the right thing for the international students as some unviersites aren’t doing that. But I love the NCAA special exemption!

      • Chafed

        Yeah, it’s all about the academics. “Student” athletes my ass.

    • Chafed

      Interesting. My daughter’s college said they would pro rate refunds for housing. Food isn’t an issue for us because we can roll it over to next semester. I think her college also said folks on travel abroad programs are out of luck. I’m not sure if they gave the same reason you received.

    • Cacciatore

      I don’t know how anyone that isn’t a Condo Nazi can stand living in a condo. I’ve done enough work in them to know I never want to occupy one.

      • UnCivilServant

        Probably an offshoot of the kind of people who can accept HOA meddling.

      • Jarflax

        Hey, your blue trim might reduce my resale value by $3.50!

      • Cacciatore

        Someone called the county about boats being visible above fence lines in my hood a couple months ago. That’s a no-no in Palm Beach.

        The rat was found and damn near lynched. Old lady with nothing better to do…

      • RAHeinlein

        Well, shucks, you sure nuff opened my eyes! I gonna sell that dagnabbit condo. You got sum thinkin’ on what’s fittin fer me me to live in?

        Not that it matters, and I hate to dignify such a comment with a serious response, but I don’t live in a condo. I do own a condo in Chicago (feel free to mock away).

      • Cacciatore

        I wasn’t taking a shot at you. Just an observation from my personal experience doing work in condos.

        Carry on.

      • UnCivilServant

        Chicago?

        that’s worse than owning a Condo.

      • Cacciatore

        I hate to dignify such a comment with a serious response, but I don’t live in Chicago. I do own a condo in Chicago (feel free to mock away).

      • UnCivilServant

        Do you two own the same condo in chicago?

      • Cacciatore

        This Florida Man knows not of Chiraq!

      • Cacciatore

        “I hate to dignify such a comment with a serious response”

        reads like

        “I’m not a racist, but…”

        Relax, dude.

      • RAHeinlein

        Yeah, so much for not “taking a shot” four repetitive comments later. Relax, Aspy.

      • Cacciatore

        Check the timestamps and take the L, big boy.

      • Mojeaux

        *clears throat*

        Ackshually, RAH is a girl.

      • Cacciatore

        I feel slightly more bad than I already did for lashing out, now.

        I don’t experience emotions like most normal people do; and it’s not because I have a disability. I’m a jaded and miserable person who isn’t afraid to admit it.

        Also first to give anyone the shirt off my back, and apologize if it doesn’t fit just right. Which is why I am jarred when people accuse me of being hateful.

        Short story long, sorry Miss RAHeinlein.

      • Mojeaux

        I don’t experience emotions like most normal people do; and it’s not because I have a disability. I’m a jaded and miserable person who isn’t afraid to admit it.

        Also first to give anyone the shirt off my back, and apologize if it doesn’t fit just right. Which is why I am jarred when people accuse me of being hateful.

        Sooooo, like everybody else here. ?

      • UnCivilServant

        No, I wouldn’t give you the shirt off my back – it’s probably dirty. Besides, I have enough money to buy you one in your size.

      • Cacciatore

        “No, I wouldn’t give you the shirt off my back – it’s probably dirty. Besides, I have enough money to buy you one in your size.”

        Agreed on all counts. But there ain’t no Brooks Brothers out in the shit.

  25. hayeksplosives

    Time to binge watch some Forensic Files.

    What have I come to?

    • Chafed

      Are you secretly my wife? Because every time I look at the television it’s that show or show about a giant meteor hitting the earth.

      • Crusty Juggler

        She is your wife.

      • Q Continuum

        The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!

      • hayeksplosives

        I don’t know why, but English murder mysteries and such are almost exclusively aimed at female readers and viewers.

      • Jarflax

        *Looks at complete set of David Suchet Poirots, and complete works of Agathat Christie

        Nope

      • UnCivilServant

        Because when you look at the readership/viewership demographics, women make up the majority of mystery readers. I accept that I’m in the minority as a male mystery reader. But I like pitting my wits against the fictional detective.

      • Chipwooder

        True crime, too. I used to frequent the Unresolved Mysteries subreddit and it was like 8 to 1 women there.

      • Animal

        Our youngest daughter – the one finishing up her Mortuary Sciences schooling – collects old 19th century English penny dreadfuls. I think she reads murder mysteries as well.

        She’s got this whole weird “queen of the dead” air about her.

    • Rhywun

      I’m watching what might be the last sportsball event available to me. An Aussie soccer match from yesterday & two teams I don’t even care about.

      • Chafed

        You could watch last night’s Democratic debate on YouTube. *ducks*

      • Rhywun

        I’m not that far gone.

      • Chafed

        I’m betting Cuomo will test your limits.

      • Don works from Home

        I’ve got eight spring training games and one Lady Vols softball game on the DVR.

      • Raven Nation

        Is one of them the Roar?

      • Rhywun

        No.

        Adelaide v. Newcastle.

        I think I caught Brisbane the other day.

      • Raven Nation

        Then I don’t care either.

      • Rhywun

        They’re saying the rest of the season will be played “behind closed doors” but I’m not buying it.

      • Raven Nation

        Yeah, AFL suspended, cricket season terminated (and cricket has low spectator count), NRL still playing though. As is, interestingly, Super League in England.

      • Rhywun

        AFL suspended

        Shit. Really? I knew it.

      • Rhywun

        However, McLachlan revealed that the League would come to a standstill at the “first instance” a player tested positive to COVID-19,

        No, you were right.

    • UnCivilServant

      I did that already.

      I notice they avoid showing the red herrings, or the times they’ve falsely imprisoned someone through bunk ‘science’.

      The number of polygraphs on that show almost made me puke. Talk about quackery.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Don’t me started on handwriting analysis, “microexpressions”, body language analysis, etc..

      • Jarflax

        Carpet fiber analysis. Bite analysis. Tool mark analysis. It was more honest when they just picked a suspect and beat on him till he confessed.

      • Cacciatore

        I can forge a signature. Wrote plenty of hall passes and sick notes back in the dizzay.

    • Cacciatore

      “What have I come to?”

      A serious lack of phrasing?

    • Nephilium

      Saved for later. But my goal for tomorrow is Corned Beef. I may have to do a beer run as well, because watching this without a pint in hand would feel wrong.

      • DEG

        Shit those sandwiches look delicious.

        I plan to pick up some take-out from a local bar or two tomorrow. If I didn’t have to do some grocery shopping (I expect the 50 person limit imposed on NH will lead to bread lines) I would have gone out tonight.

    • commodious spittoon

      Why trim steak? Are you just going after cartilage, or are you trimming off fat? I love fat.

      • UnCivilServant

        Because it needs to be level.

    • Tres Cool
      • Chafed

        You’re right.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Mix was holding a show about a mile from my house this last Thursday. Would have loved to go, but, ticket cost, and a venue I’ve never been to…

        Dammit.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I’m going to show this to any European who claims America has no culture.

      • UnCivilServant

        Trying to reinforce that impression?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Culture is descriptive, not normative.

        Gay ass.

      • UnCivilServant

        Tell that the the euro. Because whenever someone says “Y has no culture” they’re making a normative judgement.

      • Jarflax

        So you want the Europeans to change from “no culture” to “culture of no value or permanence”?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        It doesn’t matter what’s in front of the “gay ass”, just as long as you call the guy a “gay ass”.

      • UnCivilServant

        Wait, you meant to use that to label someone else? I took it as your self identification. That’s why I didn’t remark on it.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        You know I’m lactose intolerant.

      • UnCivilServant

        I know nothing about you other than that you comment here.

      • Chafed

        C’mon UCS. We all know HM loves eating ass.

      • Brochettaward

        And fried chicken and cornbread.

      • Cacciatore

        Beans and cornbread got in a fight…

      • Tres Cool

        Like you know any.

      • DEG

        That is beautiful.

  26. UnCivilServant

    One thing that has annoyed me about this house is the metallic taste of the tap water. Even after going through a filter, it’s still there. Anyone know of a good way to remove it from the water?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Magnets……………….

      • Animal

        How do they work?

    • Jarflax

      Drink your whiskey neat?

      • UnCivilServant

        The heavy metals cover the taste of the whiskey.

      • Jarflax

        I said neat.

      • UnCivilServant

        You sound like you actually want to taste the whiskey.

      • Jarflax

        Buy better whiskey? If you don’t like the taste drink Vodka. It is made for mixing.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Tell that to the Russians.

    • Brochettaward

      IT’S THE CHLORIDE

    • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

      Which metal? Iron?

      • Jarflax

        Go exotic. Rhenium

      • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

        Yeah, you’re screwed then.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m not that well versed in the aftertaste of various alloys to give an accurate guess.

        I’d say iron, copper, and lead are the chief suspects.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Well, iron tastes like liver. Copper tastes like pennies. Lead tastes like how Joe Biden smells.

      • Jarflax

        Lead actually tastes kind of sweet.

    • Gustave Lytton

      What’s the pH of the water? Slightly acidic?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Because acidic water can have a metallic taste. We have that problem (clay soils) and use bottled 5gal jugs for drinking.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Find a lab that tests well water and send them a sample for analysis.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’ll be whatever The city contamination is plus whatever the pipes add.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Don’t see a pH on it. I assume they monitor/correct it to a certain range. But that’s not necessarily at your tap though.

      • Raven Nation

        We used Brita but switched to Zero. Made a difference to us. Of course, YMMV.

      • Cacciatore

        Zero is the truth.

      • UnCivilServant

        For whatever reason it looks like anazon has silently ended the one reason to shop with them – the two-day delivery.

        They still advertize it, but everything has gone to “usually ships in 2-5 weeks”

      • Cacciatore

        On the ticker of Fox News during Tucker Carlson’s show this evening…Amazon needs to hire (100 or 200? I forget. Six figures.) of workers to fulfill orders amid coronavirus panic.

      • UnCivilServant

        Goddamit, I just want my water filter

  27. Yusef drives a Kia

    #Hiding
    /Golf

  28. Chafed

    My wife is freaking out over this virus. She has been listening to some nutjobs podcast about it and just sent me an article from the Lancet in order to tell me to take this very seriously because there is a 20% mortality rate. She doesn’t science very well so it’s pointless to argue any of this. If WFH becomes the law of the land the mortality rate in my home may reach 25%.

    • Hyperion

      Join the club. I mean especially if you have a Domestic Engineer (previously known as housewife) in your tribe.

      Some of us have work to do and it’s how we pay bills and put food on the table. So we have less time to click on click bait.

      • Chafed

        JFC tell me about it. Even if I had the time, my skepticism of a disease that isn’t well understood has crap like that article just bouncing off me.

    • Gustave Lytton

      That is some high quality data torturing there.

      • Chafed

        My thoughts exactly. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume for some sort of clinical purpose I don’t understand it’s important to calculate the rate as described. Among the general population the math is the number of people dead divided by those afflicted. This “article” just feeds my wife’s fears.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I *think* they’re trying to calculate a mortality rate for the same cohort by date of infection.

      • Chafed

        Could be. It’s nice you could say it in a sentence and they couldn’t manage it in their article.

    • Sean

      Guy at work tried to tell me it is 80% lethal in the US.

      *sigh*

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Proper response: “If you think that’s bad, you oughta see the lethality rate for stupidity. Especially when a panic is thrown in.”

    • Idle Hands

      I bought a shotgun my way home from work yesterday, the amount of people who are hysterical about this is concerning me. The virus itself not so much. We are two weeks away from the service industry people missing a paycheck where I live, shit could get bad.

  29. Mojeaux

    I legit LOLd at the One True Libertarian Hihn reveal.

    • Cacciatore

      Just give me Dunphy. So bad he was good.

    • Hyperion

      Shreek was the one true libertarian by being the only one who exceeded Ron Paul’s 98% score on the libertarian purity test.

      Some of us don’t TOS.

  30. Yusef drives a Kia

    I just woke up in a pool of blood, I hit the Dining room table I think, being alone sucks…
    I’m OK

    • Heroic Mulatto

      You might want to get checked out. Concussion, small brain bleed, you never know.

      • Cacciatore

        Damn your nimble fingers.

        *ahem* Phrasing.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        There is usually a comma between the “damn” and the “your”.

      • UnCivilServant

        No, it makes more sense to be cursing the digits that typed faster.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        You need to visit my Pornhub channel.

      • Chafed

        Pass.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Chafed, don’t beg HM for a pass–he has to make money, too.

        Also, you should say ‘please’.

        “Pass, please.” That’s how I’d do it, If I were trying to do so.

        ::ahem::

      • Cacciatore

        Are you tED”s alter ego!?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Larf!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I wish, zero resources, On my own…………
        America! Fuck….. yeah?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Ask about “charitable care” at the ER.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        You think I’m going to Hospital right now? Ha!
        I’ll be fine thanks….

      • Heroic Mulatto

        All right. Just be aware and take care of yourself.

    • Cacciatore

      Are you Suthen’s alter ego!?

      Sheesh!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        My only fear is being alone and getting hurt, I’m super careful in everything i do, but I slipped on the floor and now have a Bloody Spiked Hairdo,
        /old and alone sucks….

      • Cacciatore

        How’s your dog?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Bella is as happy as a Dog can be, walks daily in the Park, trying to kick me off my recliner as we speak,
        Belly says ARF!

      • Cacciatore

        Many happy greetings! You have a good friend, she doesn’t want you getting old!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Old? No, just alone in the Peopleverse, I have Bella, and you Mutts…..
        /good enough for me

    • DEG

      Sorry.

    • Hyperion

      I hope you are OK. But there is no reason for you to be alone. Get yourself out there on some sites, you don’t even have to date if you’re not ready, but you shouldn’t be alone and you don’t have to be.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Thanks, but oh Fuck no……
        and the Park ladies are noticing my Well dressed, badass self, all Blonde and athletic….

      • Rhywun

        *waggles eyebrows*

    • Mojeaux

      I’m sorry about your injury, but about being alone … couldn’t you find a roommate?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        God No, I hate people
        /Love ya Mo!

    • Count Potato

      Yikes!

    • Ted S.

      -1 William Holden

  31. Toxteth O’Grady

    Sugar, I hope so! Remember William Holden. You’ve always got people to call, ya know.

  32. Toxteth O’Grady

    (faints)

  33. Toxteth O’Grady

    How much blood? Are you still bleeding?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Merely a Fleshwound, Head wounds are way worse looking than they are, that’s why I’m not sweating it, no headaches, etc.
      Just noting how being alone isn’t safe, my Daughter could check on me but she’s got 3 kids to chase, so it’s a toss up, and I lose.

      • Cacciatore

        Glad you’re feeling OK. A conk to the head is never fun…have done such many times getting in, out, and around in confined spaces. Namely chilled water air handlers in high rises, back when I was a wee lad.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        mmmmmm, Boiler/Towers, I miss being a young man, glad it’s over though

      • Cacciatore

        Fuck cooling towers. Fuck them to hell, back, then to hell again.

        Hauling a hot water pressure washer up the stairs to a roof, in the middle of Summer, in Miami to clean the crates from the inside of cooling tower is some of the worst work I have ever done. As if it wasn’t hot enough in a steel box, filled with hot water, just had to blast more boiling water around…

        If I ever had a heatstroke and slipped off the catwalk in one of those things I would have drowned and nobody would have known for days.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        33 years, I’m done, roasted, burned, baked, frozen, Fibreglass and asbestos, Heights and underground, belly work,

        Run Away!

      • Cacciatore

        I’m out of that business. It was a good paying job when I was younger, never wanna go back to that nonsense.

    • Count Potato

      It’s better to bleed out your head than in your head.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’m not doing a selfy, but the Center of my Hair is Punk Rock Red, I need to be careful.

      • Cacciatore

        Waaaay better than a crack to the temple or forehead IME

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        the knocked me unconscious part is what scared me, it wasn’t long, a few minutes at most, but waking up not realizing you are waking up, spun out, not a good thing,

      • Count Potato

        If you got knocked out get it checked.

  34. DEG

    A hero

    In Salem, Border Brewery and BBQ vowed to keep its doors open for customers who want to dine in. “We will NOT comply Sununu,” the restaurant posted on Facebook. “You have single handily bankrupted NH restaurant industry overnight, with no plan of immediate financial relief.”

    • Chipping Pioneer

      Live Free or Die, Motherfuckers!

      • Cacciatore

        As someone previously posted here: “I guess it’s “or die” then.”

      • DEG

        I’m looking at the restaurant’s facebook page. I can’t find the post. I wonder if they got a call from a “helpful government worker” and deleted the post.

  35. Chipping Pioneer

    People have lost their fucken minds. I just got COVID-19 update from a coffee shop in RI that I stopped at for 5 minutes 6 months ago.

    • straffinrun

      Looks like providence.

  36. Chipping Pioneer

    Also, Eric Garcetti can go fuck himself. Imma open a business in LA just to fuck with him.

    • Chafed

      Let me know when you open so I can be there. Also, see my remarks upthread.

  37. Brochettaward

    I fell on my erection. Now it’s a bluish purple and swollen.

    • Chafed

      That’s not even a euphemism.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      OW! MY DICK!

    • Cacciatore

      Is there a difference between an erection and swelling?

      …nevermind, I don’t want to know…

    • Jarflax

      That is just an optical effect of the microscope you are using to see it.

      • Cacciatore

        AAAAAAAAA!

        OOOOOOO!

        VOWEL SOUND!!!!

      • Brochettaward

        I haven’t masturbated since 6:00 PM and my entire routine has been thrown off, and this is what I get from you people?

      • straffinrun

        I don’t believe this at all.

  38. straffinrun

    2 hour work day finished. I’m exhausted. Time for a drink.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      only 18 holes? piker, go finish, and have a beer or 2,

      • straffinrun

        I did 18 hole. At least she claimed she was 18.

  39. Raven Nation

    Two derp book themes that are irritating:

    I) we should learn from China because they have handled the virus so well

    ii) other countries warning their citizens to return from countries without comprehensive health care systems. This apparently includes the us which means we have bad health care

    • straffinrun

      And Krugman thought an alien invasion would pull us together.

    • Raven Nation

      And, of course, the “how dare companies profit from testing kits.”

      • Rhywun

        Grrrrr.

        +1 I’m half-expecting to profit from catching cancer some day because I happened to work next to the World Trade Center during the aftermath of 9/11. I mean, it’s only fair.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Even S Korea, if you don’t go through your doc, they charge $130. Too much in this country apparently. Must be free free free.

    • KSuellington

      The first one is far more than that, it’s infuriatingly dumb. CCP sat on it and actively concealed an outbreak for a couple months.

      • Raven Nation

        Yeah, but it’s why I don’t argue on fb. Same as the test kit profit thing. If your knowledge of the facts is that brittle, it’s just not worth it.

    • Plinker762

      Good segue for this video: China Uncensored

  40. Tres Cool

    ‘night kids

    • straffinrun

      Now I lay Tres down to sleep
      I pray the lord his soul to keep
      If he dies before he wakes
      I pray the lord
      He wake n bakes.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        nice

  41. Yusef drives a Kia

    Toxteth, I’m setting up a new phone, Thanks for the chat, I’ll contact you tomorrow

  42. creech

    Finally stumbled home from a shortened Florida vacation. Found out that the Clearwater condo is probably not a good option now that my fucking nest egg is down about 1/4 mil.
    Plus ego bruised: Mrs. Creech runs out of hotel shower to tell me “There’s a palmetto bug in there as big as a limp dick.” I go in and kill the bugger. I tell her, “It was much bigger than I thought it would be.” Says she, “Well, I didn’t say it was your limp dick.”

    • Cacciatore

      Buyers market. I’m loading up.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        “Richers!”

      • Cacciatore

        I kick $250 a month into investments for my retirement. Not counting on social security to do shit for me.

  43. Yusef drives a Kia

    “my fucking nest egg is down about 1/4 mil.” Your breaking my fucking heart………..
    /Day by Day…

  44. Not Another Naked Digby

    Ho-Lee-Shit! In the SF area??

    • Chafed

      Yes but not in SF proper.

  45. Not Another Naked Digby

    Now, THIS is how you present a story in which you hate everyone!

    • hayeksplosives

      Yikes. I don’t want to eat where sullen waitstaff and kitchen staff hate their own lives and take it out on others.

      • hayeksplosives

        Another reason to cook at home!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I like my BBQ

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Thing is, her local pd beat her down “on accident” a couple of years back. She sued, and somehow lost….

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTc69fAdGDA

        Do I blame her for wanting to give a cop CoronAIDS/the shits? Not really. Still, scum is scum.

        *seriously–immunity has overtaken the Constitution, and juries have gone right along with it.

    • Brochettaward

      Jokes on her. That’s my fetish.

    • Suthenboy

      Good grief.
      Most cops are not cops. They are just John Smith trying to hold down a job and feed their kids. Most of them are just people. A hatred for all things police is completely irrational and people that do things like that are worse than the cops they spit on.
      Yes, there are some bad apples on police forces just like every other group of humans but the majority of them are just average dudes. The main problem is with the system, not the individuals that work in it and individual cops cant really do anything about that. They know the problems are there just like you do.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Agreed, Suthen. That being said, check out that video I linked. I have no idea what she was like prior to this, but, after what she experienced, I do get where it’s coming from.

        She’s basically still a kid, mentally, to boot. Irrational to the point that she’s gonna probably be a felon.

      • Suthenboy

        I watched. I have a suspicion that we aren’t getting the full story somehow.
        Cops don’t usually just unleash attack dogs on people on sight. I have no idea what she did or how she reacted and I also don’t know that the cops are not just sadistic pieces of shit. Too much information missing there.

        Whatever the case her lawsuit should not have failed. She was the wrong person and her ass did get chewed up by a police dog.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        You are correct on the video, which is my fault–it’s the one that mentions the suit, w/o benefit of a case breakdown. Something was way off about that, and the Blaze article said she fought/resisted them during their arrest, which seems reasonable to me (considering my line of work).

        But, sounds like the PD needs re-tooling, and she needs therapy, and a new city to live in. Which may happen if she gets a conviction.

      • Suthenboy

        A co-worker came to me once to ask me to fix a speeding ticket for her son-in-law. He was doing 72 in a 45.
        She brought me the ticket and the first thing I did was look on the back of the ticket. Cops write down the things you say or do on the back of the ticket.

        “You useless motherfuckers are just harassing the poor working man. Why don’t you go get a real job? Why do you have to fuck with me? Fuck you, you son of a bitch. I am gonna stick that ticket right up your fucking ass. ”

        My response: Yeeeeeah….I probably cant do anything about this one.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Yeeesh….yeah, I bet that one was something of a no-brainer for the judge.

      • Akira

        A hatred for all things police is completely irrational and people that do things like that are worse than the cops they spit on.

        I would add that making it a black vs. white thing was stupid as fuck, especially considering that most people shot by the police are shot by an officer of the same race. That and a lot of other facts really throw a wrench into the whole narrative. But no, by all means, go ahead and widen that racial divide as long as it gets more people to vote Democrat (a strange way to solve the problem, given that many of these incidents occur in deep-blue inner cities like Baltimore and NYC)

        Also, I now have the annoying task of trying to tell people that yes, white people DO get shot by cops sometimes. My stepsister made some off-hand comment about getting shot by the cops, and my mom sarcastically shook her head and said, “Oh no, they’d never shoot you – you’re white!” I spent a few fruitless minutes asking why she was writing off the numerous documented cases of innocent, unarmed white people getting blown away by the cops, and I got “Yea but most of them are black”. I wanted to ask if I can pretend that homeless women don’t exist since most homeless people are men, but instead I did that thing I do a lot during family political discussions where I go to the bathroom and hope the subject has changed by the time I come out.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        You may have her thinking that her truth bombs cause you to piss*. She’s literally educating the piss out of you!

        *pure presumption there–don’t want to intrude on your “me time” 😉

    • Chafed

      Yup. It looks like the only innocent in this story is the cop who ordered the burger.

  46. Yusef drives a Kia

    I try to forget about Wendy, then I fall apart…………
    I hope I get over it, but I won’t,

    • Tejicano

      Sorry to hear that, but I understand. If I were there I’d share a six pack of tall ones with you and tell you bad jokes.

  47. Yusef drives a Kia

    This is overwhelming, I want to crawl in a hole and die, I wish I had help, nevermind,

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I’m done Kids, adios!

      • Tejicano

        I can tell you some bad jokes if that would help…

      • Tejicano

        You still there?

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Aww, shit… A spill, and a dark evening/night on top of that.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah, I hope he just meant he’s going to bed.

      • hayeksplosives

        I do think that’s what he means. He’s just overwhelmed right now.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        You are correct, ma’am!! And, thank God for that.

    • Not Another Naked Digby

      Whoa! Do not die on us, please! What help do you need? Is your injury still bleeding? Do you have others you can talk to at this time?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        No just bed, and blessed sleep, Yusef will not Die, I promise…

      • hayeksplosives

        Elijah has returned!

        Sleep well.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        Yes, very much, Yu. Get rest.

      • Tejicano

        OK. Get some rest.

      • KSuellington

        Keep on keeping on Yusef,

    • Not Another Naked Digby

      Hey; you never know ’til ya try.

    • KSuellington

      I am planning on a mass increase in crime if this goes on for many days.

      • Chafed

        You’ll have plenty of company.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’ve noticed an uptick of open carry. Like three in the past two week while out shopping. Haven’t seen one for a while before that.

      • Suthenboy

        My standard line: “I never go anywhere without a pistol or a fire extinguisher, and you shouldn’t either.”

      • hayeksplosives

        I hope people wise up quickly here.

        I am unclear if there’s a national ban on restaurants or if it’s just guidelines or city to city.

        I want to know if I can get takeout lunch Tuesday noon.

      • KSuellington

        The emperor is not wearing any clothes.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Payallup? WTF? The correct spelling is right there in the tweet, dummies.

    • Not Another Naked Digby

      I know–she actually has a moment of humility, instead of more hubris.

      But, I have faith–she’ll be back on the soapbox soon enough.

      • Chafed

        For sure. Now let’s see how much more of it turns out to be wrong.

      • Suthenboy

        Uh….all of it?

        This makes me think there is a small chance that she may actually believe the bullshit instead of deliberately cooking up obvious bullshit.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        I think they’ll go with the Zinn defense (also known as the Jedi gambit): It’s true…from a certain point of view.

        Of course, it’ll be the view the NYT pushes everyone to adopt. And, will scold anyone not doing so.

  48. hayeksplosives

    At work, the Vice President in my chain (my boss’s boss) is either actually in corona panic or he’s using it’s an excuse to slow spending, reject training, reject travel. He even rejected a service tech appointment I had with the vendor to come in and fix our equipment!

    We are going to be far enough behind anyway when all this dust settles. Don’t need executive pants-shitting to go with it.

    • Tejicano

      But he’s so highly paid and everybody’s looking to him for leadership! He’s got to do SOMETHING!!

    • Suthenboy

      Considering what you do that is quite disturbing.

      I am very stoic. I am gonna die. I know this and it is unavoidable. Flu Manchu, car wreck, heart attack, whatever…it is gonna happen. I don’t get excited about it because panic/emotion never helps. I cook the best food I can, try to make my family’s life brighter and just keep on keeping on. When it finally gets here I will salute the rest of y’all and be on my merry way.
      Tell your boss’s boss to get over himself. Cemeteries are filled with indispensable men.

    • KSuellington

      We are in the midst of the most life altering world event since WW II. Shutting down large parts of the economy for a virus is crazy, This is going to change this country in some significant ways. We doubt they will be for the better, but the legitimate fear is a loss of liberty along with a new deal economy. I pray it doesn’t get that bad.

    • Not Another Naked Digby

      Heavy is the head, and all that. I tell ya, the push for an expertochracy is gonna increase to maximum stupidity after all this.

      “We decided that enough time has passed without a significant increase in cases, so we are resuming regular business practices.”

      How did you determine ‘enough time’? Who said it was a good idea?”

      Now, that should be a decision left up to each person/business. But, that would scare enough people, and, no one wants to be the guinea pig in that situation. So we’ll wait for government experts, and even more of the public will be clamoring for Top. Men. to guide all of society.

  49. l0b0t

    Home from work. We got groceries!!! Well, some groceries. Still no pet food, paper goods, meat, or cleaning stuff. But I did get to work a full shift so I’ll chalk it up as a win.
    About to tuck in to the best corned beef ever (my mom’s recipe with a rum/vinegar/brown sugar glaze) and see if this Jameson Cold Brew: Whiskey & Coffee is any good.

    • l0b0t

      [Narrator V.O.] – The whiskey wasn’t very good.

      • l0b0t

        I’m just gonna say it – The Price Is Right has the absolute best incidental music on television.

      • Not Another Naked Digby

        It does have that sort of timeless quality. It’s almost comforting, in a way. If you were like me, back in the halcyon school days, being out of school (without cable) meant watching game shows, and TPIR was king.

      • Nephilium

        Sorry to hear that. I was contemplating picking some of that up. I’d be curious as to it’s effect on an Irish Coffee.

  50. UnCivilServant

    Day one of mandatory telecommute – The lack of a commute to get in a work mindset sucks. I need to wake up and refocus and the drive does that.

    • Don works from Home

      absolutely

      I get a rush out of knowing that I won’t be drinking the office robusta.

      I can still watch the sun come up over the lagoon here at the house, but I like seeing the deer graze in the first light on the way in.

      • UnCivilServant

        On the plus side, I did have time to cook breakfast instead of grabbing something on my way in, so that was tastier.

      • Not Adahn

        …I’ve drunk a week’s worth of coffee already.

        And I’m gaining weight.

      • Festus

        Just like the Old Gypsy said…

    • Nephilium

      Yeah. Walking a couple feet from bedroom to office isn’t the same and takes away the planning the activities for the day. It also makes it too easy to go, well, I’m up… Let’s get through the BS overnight e-mails and see what new tickets have been dropped in my queue.

    • UnCivilServant

      Joy. My connection to work is sluggish. We’re probably straining the capacity of the VPN

      • UnCivilServant

        Waiting moderation? What am I saying that set off the spam filters?

  51. Gender Traitor

    I woke up to this cluster.

    COLUMBUS — A judge ruled against Gov. Mike DeWine’s recommendation to postpone the Ohio Primary because of concerns arising out of the coronavirus pandemic, but Election Day has been postponed indefinitely because of action taken by the state health director:

    – State health director Dr. Amy Acton issued the order closing polling places as a health emergency
    – DeWine: Ohioans can’t consider Election Day legitimate in light of state health, CDC advisories
    – Judge’s ruling triggers chaos at boards of elections in some counties
    – An appeal of the judge’s ruling can still be filed even as polls open Tuesday morning

    At last report, Ohio has 50 confirmed cases, with 14 admitted to the hospital. If there had been any fatalities yet, I’m sure they’d be crowing about it. In a state with a population of about 11.7 million. This is really pissing me off.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      It might not be such a bad idea, in my state the polling places tend to be manned by volunteer oldsters who this sickness plants at an alarming rate.

    • Trials and Trippelations

      Out of 329 covid tests only one, ONE is hospitalized. This is fucking nuts and BS

      • Trials and Trippelations

        Oops sorry that is for NC

      • Nephilium

        But Cleveland Clinic found 5 cases in internal testing… FIVE CASES!

        As of 2019, it has over 60,000 employees, a figure that includes over 11,800 nurses and over 3,953 physicians and scientists in 140 specialties

        From Wikipedia. I’m also going to guess that doesn’t include the contractors who do work there.

      • Festus

        We have just over a hundred cases in our Province with a population well over five million and a death total of four, all from the same nursing home. Can you say manufactured crisis? I knew you could!

  52. Don works from Home

    WFH

    I’m at a dead stop: nothing in my inbox for six business days. WFH = wish there was baseball on TV all day. This job isn’t a great fit for me, but NewWife had gotten sick of my playing golf every day, so I took the first thing that came along.

    I’ve been taking off construction RFB: I look at drawings of new buildings, additions, and other renovations, size any equipment that isn’t already detailed, and then list and cost out all the componentry. Almost all of the jobs are significant, so they’re listed online: we see all the regional postings and then coordinate with the general contractors we support to decide what we want to go after, and I help put together our quotation. The firm I support sells HVAC equipment mostly; we get a little process heat transfer, but not nearly enough to challenge and amuse me.

    Well, school upgrades, large commercial building repairs and upgrades, hospitals . . . that stuff clicks along pretty steady, plague or no plague. But at my desk, it’s quiet. My boss is regional; my colleagues were doing all this just fine before I came along, and the tasks they are freed up to do since now I do much of the heavy lifting, well: they’re all on hold.

    The firm is pretty decent. There’s no huge rush, but, they’ll be sharpening their pencils at corporate!

    • Festus

      Go golfing, Don! I would but there’s still 2-3 feet of snow on the ground.

      • Don works from Home

        I snuck in 18 Saturday morning and broke 90, bad nerves and all.

        It’s rain in MEM for the foreseeable future. A tiny window opens Saturday, but things will be just too soggy.

        I’m thinking about getting out the rod and reel: crappie are moving.

      • Festus

        Nice! I really should repair the 12-foot aluminum this year. I wouldn’t dare the big lakes but shes easy to load and unload for day trips at remote lakes. Just need to get my ass in gear, buy the rivets and some fluxless aluminum brazing rods. Poor old boat was terribly abused before we bought her but I’ve hammered out the dings and dents, took it down to bare metal and it just needs a day or two of sweat equity to get her ship-shape.

      • Festus

        I also need to get off my ass and join a Men’s Night because all of my erstwhile golf partners moved away or won’t talk to me anymore… Sucks doing it wallflower.

      • Don works from Home

        Usually I enjoy getting pair up with new folks and after the round ask if they want to be called the next time I could use a partner or a fourth. So now I’ve got a dozen guys in my phone I see at least once a year. I give them the middle name of Golf so I can easily find them on the right occasion.

      • Festus

        That’s a great idea. When I stopped playing smart-phones were not quite as ubiquitous. Yusef does it, why can’t I?

  53. JD is Unemployed

    Kombucha seems icky to me. Like some sort of fruity herbal tea with a big dollop of thrush and associated discharge.

    • Festus

      Ugh! Chinee! *turns up Scots-Canadian nose*

      • JD is Unemployed

        Well at least it’s more appealing that virgin boy eggs*, I suppose.

        *I’m still not convinced that is not some weird scam that turns out to be a column in Vice or a paper in some humanities journal in which the writer calls everyone racist for believing the falsehoods they so intricately pedaled and carefully crafted for years based on the fruits of their own perverted imagination.

      • UnCivilServant

        Look, there’s a reason traditional chinese food isn’t served up outside their communities.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Although from their perspective perhaps they’re keeping the best stuff for themselves.

  54. CPRM

    Boondock Saints and irish cream. Happy St. Drunkard day!

    • Festus

      I’ll spend mine drinking alone as is mine and the Government’s wont.

      • Festus

        Aye! I don’t own any orange clothing off the top of my head except for some ridiculous socks that Wifey bought online for some unfathomable reason. Would be a merry jest!

      • JD is Unemployed

        I’m guessing from the redirect URL that it’s a polo shirt with a Tennessee Volunteers logo embroidered. My buddy’s dad was a UT grad. Go sports!

      • CPRM

        I don’t think I even own anything orange. Plus, I’m catholic.