Monday Afternoon Links

by | Mar 9, 2020 | Daily Links | 334 comments

Hey guys, I hope everyone else’s weekend was excellent. We went to the zoo Saturday. My kids ran off at one point, and I thought I was finally rid of them, but they came back and found us within five minutes. I told my wife we needed to hustle if we wanted to get away, but she was going on and on about how the cops would never believe they just ran off if we didn’t stay for at least fifteen minutes. I’ll never understand people who freak out in situations like that. Kids run off in a crowded subway station, I’ll freak out. Kids run off in a giant park with people at every gate? We’ll just kind of hang out where we lost sight of them and they’ll be back. (They ran off to play at the splash-pad, but it is still off for the winter.) So yeah, moral of the story is, damn the cops, run for the car when your kids give you an opening.

Speaking of idiot children, Donald Trump, Jr. challenges Hunter Biden to a debate over who has blown more taxpayer money up his nose has profited more off his father’s public service.

Pentagon to fund shipping container nuclear power plants. I want one for my neighborhood. For hurricane safety.

“Would you walk away from a fool and his money?” The FDA suggests that certain people should.

Also, why are you not all here for Beer Week? I’ll be heading over to my local to celebrate… soon.

About The Author

Brett L

Brett L

Brett set out to find America, the real America, the America of strip malls and serial killers, of butthole waxing and kelp smoothies, of cocaine and maggots. He sought it in the most American part of America—Florida: swamp gas and fever dreams, where love arrives on a rickety boat and leaves when it doesn't have the money for its fourth abortion. Oh, where has Brett gone? He’s drinking at the neck of America’s wang, chewing its foreskin and working its shaft. Brett is becoming legend. Brett can never die. Brett can never die. Brett is America, facedown in his own patriotic puke: the red his blood, the white his stomach lining, and the cold, cold blue his gas station slushie, spiked with coconut rum and tetracycline.

334 Comments

  1. Glitterstorm

    Links smell good

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Oh Fuck Off!

      • C. Anacreon

        Awfully skinny neck though

      • Plinker762

        Are you saying he has neck that resembles a pencil?

  2. Swiss Servator

    “Also, why are you not all here for Beer Week? I’ll be heading over to my local to celebrate… soon.”

    Be sure to bring a sock full of nickles…to bash the skull of the first person who makes a Corona Beer joke.

    • Rebel Scum

      You certainly are a modelo citizen.

      • Plisade

        Eh, he’s no Sam Adams.

      • bacon-magic

        He’s your best bud if you let him be.

      • Tundra

        But he is living the high life.

      • Jarflax

        Careful before Swiss narrows his gaze.

      • Shirley Knott

        Don’t beat around the busch, how do you really feel?

      • Enough About Palin

        This comment just won the blue ribbon.

      • PBRstreetgang

        I feel like I should say something here.

      • C. Anacreon

        Of coors you should.

    • The Other Kevin

      These jokes are a little flat.

      • Rebel Scum

        I Think we are tapping some decent material.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Something about Lyme Disease?

    • Shpip

      You start a beer thread, and suddenly it’s anything gose.

      • Agent Cooper

        Swiss fosters this kind of reaction.

  3. l0b0t

    I love Tampa. Ybor City once had a beauty supply shop called the Baby, Don’t Be Bald! Wig Shop.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I don’t think they wear wigs there.

      • Jarflax

        Merkins are a thing

      • l0b0t

        One of Florida’s counties, Broward maybe, once banned dancers from showing both labia and real pubic hair. All the girls wore merkins.

      • Bobarian LMD

        My experience with any of the high end establishments was there was no hair down there.

        Although it has been years since I’ve been.

      • Shirley Knott

        Merkins.

      • C. Anacreon

        Also the correct answer to the question:

        “How did Ed McMahon used to prounounce ‘Americans’?”

      • Juvenile Bluster

        In early 1996, I was 19 and visiting friends in Gainesville. I had just broken up with my girlfriend and was pretty bummed. They had the bright idea to drive down to Tampa for the night and take me there to cheer me up.

        I’ve only been to a couple other strip clubs in my life, but man … that place. It’s unique.

  4. ChipsnSalsa

    Speaking of idiot children, Donald Trump, Jr. challenges Hunter Biden to a debate over who has blown more taxpayer money up his nose has profited more off his father’s public service.

    cripple fight?

  5. R C Dean

    My kids ran off at one point, and I thought I was finally rid of them, but they came back and found us within five minutes.

    Reminds of a tweet by Ryan Reynolds:

    Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.

  6. Scruffy Nerfherder

    About damn time the DOD looked at that instead of the recent insistent focus on “green” while in theater.

    • Rebel Scum

      You are saying you don’t want a green energy powered tank that still shoots depleted uranium out of the pipe on the front?

  7. Ted S.

    Also, why are you not all here for Beer Week?

    Why would I go to any Beer Week?

    And why would I go to Tampon Bay?

    • Florida Man

      Yeah, who needs sandy beaches and warm weather and amazing beer.

      • UnCivilServant

        Who needs sweat, humidity, sunburn, and crowds

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Everyone in Florida wears gloves to prevent sunburn.

      • Florida Man

        I’d much rather die from windburn and frost bite while shoveling snow. Plus oppressive taxation and regulations.

      • UnCivilServant

        Yes, the weather is nice up here. We just need a regime change.

      • Rasilio

        Don’t forget insects bigger than Animals Volkswaggon

      • robc

        And Scientologists.

      • Florida Man

        That’s Hollywood.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        I thought they (Scientologists) were a big deal in Clearwater?

      • Brett L

        Yeah, they’ve pretty much destroyed that town. St. Pete, great bars, restaurants, and hangouts. Tampa, great bars, restaurants and hangouts. Dunedin, ditto. Clearwater, there’s a wine bar and a pizza place fighting for their lives on the high street.

      • Raston Bot

        https://www.cigarcitybrewing.com/beer/florida-man/

        The world needs heroes, and in our home state of Florida only a very special hero will do. A hero with a shark tooth around his neck, a Grim Reaper tattoo on his arm, and a rap sheet longer than his mama’s mustache. A hero who’s forgotten more about amateur taxidermy and alligator rasslin’ than you’ll ever know. What better way to pay tribute to our beloved Florida Man than with a big ol’ Double India Pale Ale brewed with a nearly-criminal amount of hops and a moderate bitterness that just about matches Florida Man’s general disposition. This hopped-up whopper of a beer is big in character and guaranteed to sear itself into your memory, just like “the world’s worst superhero,” Florida Man.

      • R C Dean

        What better way to pay tribute to our beloved Florida Man than with a big ol’ Double India Pale Ale brewed with a nearly-criminal amount of hops

        I would have gone with a beer that tastes good, but, hey, Florida.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Hops are good,Criminal amounts should be Treason,,,

      • UnCivilServant

        Its noy hops, its actually meth-flavored.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Yuck,

      • DrOtto

        Meth smells better than it tastes.

  8. Florida Man

    I’ll’m working *stares at Rufus* all week and then fly to Costa Rica, so no beer week for me. ?

  9. Stinky Wizzleteats

    It’s hard to believe anyone would give Jim Bakker any money under any circumstances. Maybe there’s something to that colloidal silver shit though, the dude looks better now than he did in the 1980s somehow.

  10. Raston Bot

    what’s the general consensus on roller/inline/blade hockey?

    • Plisade

      I could give a puck.

    • Rasilio

      It’s not as cool as Ice Hockey

      • Rasilio

        But it does take more balls

      • Gdragon

        I brought the orange one and… the orange one

    • Tundra

      I love it. Fun to play and a great thing for warmer climes.

    • Bobarian LMD

      It’s really hard to do if you can’t skate?

      • Raston Bot

        some good ol Roger Miller. i was stoked when Robin Williams riffed him in Good Morning, Vietnam.

  11. Gadfly

    So yeah, moral of the story is, damn the cops, run for the car when your kids give you an opening.

    This is the sort of “Family Friendly” content that keeps me coming back to Glibertarians.

  12. Rebel Scum

    DOOM

    “The damage that this administration has done to America — America is a great country, we can sustain — two terms, I don’t know,” Pelosi said at a CNN town hall event in December. “Civilization, as we know it today, is at stake in this election.”

    Pelosi is no stranger to assigning over-the-top descriptions about President Trump or his agenda. In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Pelosi branded the president “the most dangerous person” in American history as part of a plea to Democrat voters to vote him out in November.

    In 2017, Pelosi stated that the Republicans’ tax reform bill would be “Armageddon,” with years-long ramifications for the working class. “The bill that the Republicans are putting forth to go to conference is probably one of the worst bills in the history of the United States of America,” she added at the time.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Oh Fuck Off!

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Sounds like Yusef has a case of the Mondays

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Oh Fu… nevermind…………

      • C. Anacreon

        Nancy Pelosi is Tulpa?

    • The Other Kevin

      Well I’ve died 3 times since that bill passed.

      • Ted S.

        I thought Net Neutrality killed us all.

      • Glitterstorm

        I thought we all died during the Tide Pod challenge

  13. Yusef drives a Kia

    So what’s with the Links going off at… oh , you are on Real Time now……..

  14. Gadfly

    Pentagon to fund shipping container nuclear power plants. I want one for my neighborhood. For hurricane safety.

    I can only imagine the environmentalist freak-out about this. Portable nuclear power plants? PANIC!

    I for one, welcome this development, as it brings us one step closer to the pre-war world of Fallout. Nuclear-powered cars here we come!

      • Gadfly

        I probably won’t live that long anyway. I’ll take the nuke cars, power suits, and personal robots. But maybe not the 50s aesthetic.

      • pistoffnick

        I want a suitcase that powers my house. Then I can tell the local power monopoly to suck it.

    • The Hyperbole

      I recall years ago 10+ reading about Hitachi? (I think) building small scale reactors that would power a small town, I thought some place out west was suppose to get one as a test but now I can’t find anything about it. Anyone else remember anything about that or am I going Biden.

      • Shirley Knott

        I remember some publicity, maybe 4 to 6 years ago(?), for semi-trailer sized reactors capable of powering, IIRC, 20k homes. But it was an American company in the MIC.

      • Homple

        Old news. In 1960 an outfit called Great River Energy built a small nuclear plant at Elk River, Minnesota. It was a demonstration project that ran for some years with no problems. It was no big deal when the plant was disassembled.

      • Raven Nation

        There’s supposed to be a Small Modular Reactor project starting in Idaho next year at Atomic City, ID. There’s a story on small-scale nuclear power in the current City Journal: https://www.city-journal.org/magazine?issue=323

        The story’s currently behind a paywall but should be open access in the next couple of weeks.

      • Fourscore

        Galena, Alaska, never came to fruition, of course

    • Fatty Bolger

      The coronavirus is obviously an early test of the New Plague:

      The New Plague,[1] the Blue Flu,[2] or Limit 115[2] is a socially transmitted plague which arose in the middle of the 21st century in the United States in the 2050s, eventually demanding a national quarantine in 2053.[3] The epidemic became the driving force behind the Pan-Immunity Virion project that paved the way for the Forced Evolutionary Virus.

      The time of incubation of the virus varies, taking between three to five days. Initial symptoms greatly resemble the classic flu.[2][3] The Plague eventually worsens, leading to profuse sweating, unexplained contusions and swelling, eventually terminating in massive external hemorrhaging.[4] It may also result in clogged respiration, leading to death through asphyxia (deriving the name Blue Flu). Should anyone survive the plague, they are rendered completely sterile by the virus.[2][3]

  15. Tundra

    Hi Brett,

    My daughter wandered off when we were on the beach in Mexico.

    That was scary as hell, though. No bueno.

    Distributed nuke plants would be a huge improvement. And a game-changer for developing nations. Trouble is, I’m old and have been hearing about these for a long, long time.

    Maybe they will deliver them in a flying car…

    • Ted S.

      I got lost in the Museum of Natural History in New York when I was about 5. My parents were chaperoning one of my older sisters’ Girl Scout troops and since both parents were there, I couldn’t well stay home alone.

      Anyhow, I had the brilliant idea of going to the entrance we came in and standing by the bathrooms there because I just knew a group of young girls would have to use the potty before leaving.

    • Rasilio

      Thing is we’ve had working flying car prototypes for more than 20 years, the reasons why we do not have actual flying cars in production is purely regulatory. That same issue may prevent us from ever getting operational civilian micro-nukes but the Military has different rules and so they want them they will get them.

      • R C Dean

        the reasons why we do not have actual flying cars in production is purely regulatory

        After watching people be complete idiots on the road, I have reservations about cutting people loose in flying cars with just plain ol’ driver’s licenses.

      • Gadfly

        Same here. There are fewer things that can go wrong with a car, and the cars are contained in the roadways. I don’t want a bunch of texting/drunk assholes crashing into my house with their flying cars at 2 in the morning.

      • Dr Mossy Lawn

        I disagree that those prototypes are what people want as personal transport, or that they are close to taking over.

        We have flying personal vertical take off vehicles today, they are called helicopters, and I notice that nobody wants their neighbor to have one.

        Tell me the particular one you think is viable, and I’ll comment, but all of them are too slow, too limited in load and/or distance, and for the $$$ a poor investment.

        You can own a 200+mph, 800 mile range ,four seat plane for about 250$K and keep a used car at each endpoint for the final connection. The engineering tradeoffs are not about to be overcome. Cars make bad planes, and vice versa.

  16. Florida Man

    PSA: LG is a garbage company and you should never buy their TVs. I bought the C9 77 inch on Black Friday and it died last week. They won’t honor the warranty because it was a Black Friday special. Repair cost is $1750. I guess I’m back to buying Samsung from now on.

    • kinnath

      I have two LG TVs that work flawlessly.

      • Bobarian LMD

        The nature of electronics is that if it doesn’t break right away, it’ll probably last for a very long time.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Yep

        And most of the time it’s the capacitors

    • R C Dean

      I’ve been happy with Sony TVs. Never had a problem with either the current one (7 years old) or the previous one (5 years as main TV, 5 more as backup). The one I have now has a screen that doesn’t reflect as much as most TVs, which I think is a big plus. Will likely replace next year, likely with another Sony.

      Thing is, all I need is a just a plain monitor. I don’t need speakers or apps or wifi connectivity or any of that – just more to break/pay for that I will never use. Just a screen with an HDMI input. They seem hard to find, although I haven’t really looked all that much yet.

      • Tundra

        My only complaint with my Samsung is that it’s a ‘smart tv’. Which means it probably spends a lot of time spying on me.

      • Ted S.

        Can’t you just leave it disconnected from the Internet?

      • Florida Man

        I had a Samsung that lasted 10 years until lightning killed it. I can’t blame Samsung for that.

    • Rebel Scum

      I have 2 Insignias. 1 lcd and 1 led. The lcd is 7 years old and still going. The led is only a couple years old.

    • Ted S.

      All our TVs are over five years old and working just fine, although the 12-year-old JVC has one tiny line burned in to the screen if you know where to look.

      • Rhywun

        My 8-year-old JVC takes about five minutes for the screen to warm up.

    • AlmightyJB

      LG Appliances suck as well. Never ever again.

      • Florida Man

        My big issue is the refusal to honor the warranty. For probably $100 LG could fix it and have a happy customer. Instead they’ve guaranteed I’ll never buy another LG product as long as I live. A TV should last more than 90 days.

      • AlmightyJB

        Yeah my $1500 dollar fridge lasted maybe 3 years before it needed a $750 repair. My washer didn’t last that long. Screw LG.

      • C. Anacreon

        Did you know when you bought it that it was ‘as is’ with no warranty?

        Otherwise you might have a case against them, that sounds outside of most state regs (though I know nothing of Florida). MIght be worth checking your state’s warranty obligations online and for any helpful agencies online.

        Do you have one of those “7 on your side” style local news segments, where the reporter goes out and helps people getting screwed by companies? That might be a good option too.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Fuck LG. Three months after buying a new 65” LG, the screen blew and cracked while I was watching it. LG wouldn’t honor the warranty because the rep said I must have hit it… nevermind that I was 10 feet away watching when it happened.

      LG ended up repairing it after my lawyer sent a threatening letter (no cost). Too little, too late though. I’ll never buy another LG anything again.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        Though, to be fair, I’ve come to the conclusion that appliances from any manufacturer are not built to the same standard as a couple decades ago. Hell, I’ve got 20 year old shirts from Old Navy that still almost look like new, and I can’t find anything of similar quality today. Maybe Duluth comes close.

    • Chipwooder

      We still have the Magnavox plasma we bought 13 years ago. Still love the picture – you can’t get true black without a plasma!

      • Fatty Bolger

        OLED

      • Drake

        I have one of the last Samsung plasmas. Nothing else has that silky smooth picture.

    • Count Potato

      “They won’t honor the warranty because it was a Black Friday special. ”

      WTF?

      • Plisade

        Racist!!!

    • Fatty Bolger

      That really makes no sense. Who did you buy it from?

      • Florida Man

        New Egg

    • Agent Cooper

      I’ve had nothing but great success with LG TVs. Caveat emptor!

      • Bobarian LMD

        As it says in the article, Ford ain’t the only asshole.

        But calling an electric SUV a mustang is probably worse.

    • Raston Bot

      looks like a Range Rover humped a Tacoma.

    • AlmightyJB

      All that hype for that. Wompwomp

    • Grumbletarian

      Meh.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Basically my reaction. It’s more interesting than all of the soulless crossovers polluting the roads but ultimately not that exciting.

      • dontreadonme

        Yes! Always wanted one of those after driving one for work for a Summer.

    • Spudalicious

      The Sport looks like an Explorer with fatty tumors.

  17. Rebel Scum

    Everyone knows (((who))) is responsible.

    Over the last several days, Iran has pushed several reports claiming that “Zionists” were behind the coronavirus. Press TV also quoted the same website that was at the center of an antisemitic article from 2017 that claimed “America’s Jews are driving America’s wars.”

    On March 5, Press TV claimed that “Zionist elements developed a deadlier strain of coronavirus against Iran.” Although the report claimed to reference a foreign “academic,” it fits the pattern of Iran using foreign experts to give the regime’s own views a patina of authority. The agenda of Tehran has been three-fold since the coronavirus outbreak began to affect Iran in mid-February. Iran initially denied that there was a virus outbreak so that it could increase voter turnout for the February 21 election.

    • Juvenile Bluster

      Look, if (((we))) were going to bioengineer a virus, it would be to get rid of bigger targets than Iranian citizens.

    • Tundra

      Damn, she is smokin’.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        My First Lady, Smokin’!

      • C. Anacreon

        The irony of people calling her names and horrible insults while saying how stupid her anti-online-bullying project is. Of course, they can’t be bullies, they’re on the Left, which is all good people, and all people on the Right are bad.

      • AlmightyJB

        Yeah, that’s pretty fine.

  18. KSuellington

    So it looks like China really doesn’t want to be associated with the Wuhan flu. The CCP is trying to distance itself from it and has declared that those who call it the Wuhan flu are racist. Predictably leftists on the Twitter machine and in media have been parroting the CCP line. So whatever you do don’t call it the Wuhan Flu or you will anger them both. And get called racist.

    • R C Dean

      Wouldn’t want to be racist, so I guess “Kung Flu” it is.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Shitlord Tundra decided to combine his racism with his love for cars and is calling it the Slant Sicks.

      • Tundra

        *applause*

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s not a Flu.

      I’ts Wuhan Virus, or Wuhan Cornoravirus.

    • AlmightyJB

      Just another manic Monday.

      • Tundra
    • Juvenile Bluster

      If they wanted to make the official name COVID-19 / SARS-CoV2, that’s fine. But calling anyone who calls it Wuhan Coronavirus a racist is … yeah. It’s not surprising because it’s the same playbook they always use.

      • leon

        But calling anyone who calls it Wuhan Coronavirus a racist is … yeah. It’s not surprising because it’s the same playbook they always use.

        Yup, but it will continue to drive the stake between normal people and the left. I thought about this today when Popehat was raging for the leftist machine, insinuating everyone who uses the phrase is a racist. When you make such sweeping statements, you are just turning normal people off.

      • KSuellington

        That sucks that Popehat is that far gone that he is helping the CCP with their propaganda efforts. Fuck that clown.

      • Chipwooder

        When you make such sweeping statements, you are just turning normal people off.

        Yep. This is why I would most accurately describe my political opinions as anti-Democrat, because they’re fucking horrible human beings who have been doing their goddamnedest to portray anyone who isn’t 100% with them on every single issue as the second coming of Hermann Goering.

        Fuck them today, tomorrow, and always.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Well, naming a disease after the place it was first discovered is unprecedented.

      • UnCivilServant

        “Never happens” – Ebola

      • Bobarian LMD

        Zika Forest. Guinea Worm. West Nile Virus. … German Measles. … Ross River Fever. … Omsk Hemorrhagic Fever. … Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever. … Marburg Virus Disease. … Lassa Fever.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m under the weather, so my memory’s sluggish.

        But we need to add Hantavirus to that list.

      • Chipwooder

        You quick sonofabitch!

      • C. Anacreon

        Yes, he Shanghai’d the thread.

      • Chipwooder

        Hantavirus, named for the Hantan River in South Korea

      • dontreadonme

        Spain would like a word.

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        The Irish Curse.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        +1 Ebola River….

      • Enough About Palin

        +1 Spanish Flu

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Didn’t actually originate in Spain though! Nobody knows, but it’s suspected to either be the US, China or Austria.

      • leon

        They really narrowed down on the source didn’t they.

      • Raven Nation

        Umm…

      • B.P.

        Lyme disease, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, jungle fever.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Where is Dengue?

      • Raven Nation

        Huh, kind of fascinating:

        “The origins of the Spanish word dengue are not certain, but it is possibly derived from dinga in the Swahili phrase Ka-dinga pepo, which describes the disease as being caused by an evil spirit. Slaves in the West Indies having contracted dengue were said to have the posture and gait of a dandy, and the disease was known as “dandy fever.”

  19. AlmightyJB

    My sister and bil are in Bradenton. I guarantee they’ll be doing their part for beer week.

  20. Juvenile Bluster

    Purim begins at sundown tonight. For you non-Jews, it revolves around the story of the Book of Esther, which is read at services.

    For kids, it’s kind of like Halloween. You dress up in costume and get treats.

    For adults, you’re supposed to get so drunk you can’t tell the difference between Haman and Mordecai.

    From the Babylonian Talmud:

    “Rava said: It is one’s duty levasumei, to make oneself fragrant [with wine] on Purim until one cannot tell the difference between ‘arur Haman‘ (cursed be Haman) and ‘barukh Mordekhai’ (blessed be Mordecai)”

      • C. Anacreon

        Rava said: It is one’s duty levasumei, to make oneself fragrant

        “Tell the lady her rump’s as big as the Queen’s! And twice as fragrant!”

    • leon

      I thought Esther was a Christian Holiday.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Nope. It’s (((ours))).

      • leon

        It makes sense why the Media uses Esther Day Worshipers then. Why did all the Christians get upset?

      • Juvenile Bluster

        That’s Easter, not Esther!

      • Shirley Knott

        Is that the one where if a rabbit sees Jesus’s shadow, he’ll bring 6 weeks of eggs?

      • AlmightyJB

        My wife’s cousin and son from Canada spent Easter weekends with us for a few tears. Our kids are grown so we didn’t have any colored eggs so I hid a bunch of bananas. I told him that in the States we have the Easter monkey, because the Easter bunny can’t do it all. Had him going for a couple years. Lol.

    • AlmightyJB

      Definitely some babes in that group.

  21. Juvenile Bluster

    I have to say this is an amazing time to be an introvert who sits in a private office all day and who is a germophobe who is constantly washing hands and has two bottles of hand sanitizer on his desk.

      • AlmightyJB

        Lol. I can relate:)

    • Tundra

      We just passed around tumbler of smoked bourbon. I don’t think that’s protocol.

      • AlmightyJB

        Natural disinfectant

    • AlmightyJB

      Banging dudes on Tinder is dating?

      • Chipwooder

        Some random chick texted me last night thinking I was some guy she knows from Tinder (got the number wrong, I guess). I tell her wrong number, that I’ve never been on Tinder. She then asks me, an utter and complete stranger, what I look like and sends me a pic.

        I’m guessing she tends to make bad life decisions.

      • AlmightyJB

        So…was she hot?

      • Chipwooder

        Actually, rather attractive, yes. This was my wife’s reaction – “Christ, why does this girl have to throw herself at strangers on Tinder?? There has to be something wrong with her.”

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Better find out just to make sure

      • AlmightyJB

        I’d check her vagina first.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Good a place to start as any?

      • Pope Jimbo

        You didn’t say something like, “Surely, as my wife, you are aware of my raw animal magnetism, towering intellect and emotional centeredness. You couldn’t resist it, why would this gal be any different?”

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        So was your wife into it?

      • Fatty Bolger

        A lot of scams start out that way. They “accidentally” send you a text or email or xbox message or whatever.

      • Aus

        Probably “romance scammer”. I’m not exactly sure how it goes, but I imagine the “hottie” steals pics from the net, butters up their victim, then sets up a date but then [emergency] need to borrow money but will pay back right away.

        Idk, when I was on the apps, I would see this but never let it get to that point.

    • leon

      More of the push to make normal people feel like they are hateful bigots. For an ideology that focuses on oppression, they sure like to make sure everyone knows that they are morally superior to everyone else.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Yet very few of them are willing to do what is necessary to have a successful life time relationship, which is subordinate your own desires to the relationship so that it may succeed even if you don’t always.

    • AlmightyJB

      That’s crazy.

    • LJW

      Never let a good crisis go to waste.

      • Tundra

        But this doesn’t help anyone. It’s gonna cripple their (already crippled) economy.

      • LJW

        Chef Boyardee hardest hit.

      • UnCivilServant

        Clearly, he’s not Italian. I mean Boyar D? He’s a russkie.

      • AlmightyJB

        Borschardee?

      • C. Anacreon

        Boy oh Boyardee, you’ve done it now Beaver.

      • Grumbletarian

        Psh, the Germans will pay for it.

      • Tundra

        Yeah, good point.

    • leon

      Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte said that people would only be permitted to travel for work or family emergencies.

      He said the measures, which come into effect on Tuesday, were to defend the most fragile members of society.

      Italy’s coronavirus death toll jumped on Monday by 97 to 463. It is the worst-hit country after China

      There are 27 Million people that live in Norther Italy alone. Call me heartless but this seems like overkill for something that has killed only 0.0017% of the population

      • AlmightyJB

        I’m wondering how many people in Italy died from the flu this year.

      • AlmightyJB

        When you see a mouse, panic. Herd mentality.

      • Plisade

        And if you work in a restaurant, but your patrons are not allowed to travel to dine?

    • dontreadonme

      Soon to be time to buy that villa in Tuscany….

  22. AlmightyJB

    We have our first 3 cases in Ohio. Up in Neph’s neck of the woods. In their 50’s. One had just got back from CPAC. The other two, husband and wife, just got back from a Bike cruise. I suppose you should expect to get something on a Nile cruise.

    • LJW

      Apparently Trump came into contact with someone who had been exposed to the infected CPAC visitor. The comments in that article showed just how unhinged many on the left are.

    • AlmightyJB

      Nile not bike. Stupid phone.

    • Fourscore

      I saw that the hardest hit group was the 75-80 years old. I had a sigh of relief.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Damn whippersnappers, am I right?

  23. UnCivilServant

    Oh fun. My fever is back up to 101 on the dot.

    I guess I have to take more meds.

    • UnCivilServant

      Speaking of, I had a really strange dream last night.

      I was playing with kittens.

      Seriously it was the most wholesome, family friendly imagery.

      In my defense, I was dosed up on nyquil, so I blame the meds.

      • Ted S.

        Speaking of, I had a really strange dream last night.

        You sailed away to China in a little rowboat to find me?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned.

      • Spudalicious

        Pipes reamed?

      • Rebel Scum

        I, too, had an interesting dream last night in which I was playing with a kitty of sorts.

    • leon

      GET THEE TO A NUNNERY HOSPITAL POLITICAL RALLY / people with coronavirus.

      • UnCivilServant

        Look, it’s under control. The worst symptoms were saturday night. I’ve kept all my food down since then, and now that I’ve rehydrated, I’m feeling subjectively better, even if objectively still sick.

      • AlmightyJB

        Well that’s good. Sounds like you still need to rest.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Bob: You’re not fooling anyone, you know– (Speaking to Swiss) Look, isn’t there something you can do…?

        (they both look around)

        UCS: I feel happy! I feel happy!

        (Swiss deals the old man a swift blow to the head with his wooden spoon. The old man goes limp.)

        Bob: (throws UCS onto the cart) Ah. thanks very much.
        Swiss: Not at all. See you on Thursday!
        Man: Right! All right….

      • leon

        UCS: I’m 37!
        Bob: What?
        UCS: I’m 37, i’m not old

    • AlmightyJB

      Are you gonna live? Damn. I hope that shit goes away.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Asking that question directly disqualifies you from the betting pool.

        /doubles down on March 13th

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, it’s never gone above 102, so I’m not in danger from the fever. I figure if I manage the symptoms and leave time for the immune system to do its work, I’ll recover.

    • Pope Jimbo

      See that is what happens when you take off the gloves! What were you thinking?

  24. Pope Jimbo

    So I know top hats and monocles are in, but what is the official libertarian position on Fanny Packs?

    These guys look pretty libertarianish to me. And I bet that if you crashed the Reason corporate offices, a few people would be reppin’ the fanny packs.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Gay. Standard Disclaimer — NTTAWWT.

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        Definitely gay in the UK.

    • Gadfly

      It depends entirely what is in the Fanny Pack. A gun and some drugs? Libertarian. Little Red Book? Marxist. Tissues, bandages, lip balm, and petty cash? Soccer mom.

  25. mikey

    Local market is a little thin in the TP aisle. But then house brand is steeply discounted as part o their weekly-flyer specials.

    • AlmightyJB

      Whatever happened to good old price gouging?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      That’s the “Your Anus Will Hate You” brand?

      • Bobarian LMD

        John Wayne Paper — Rough and Tough; Don’t take shit from no one.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Uffda. Don’t wuss out.

        Proper Definition: “Rough, tough and don’t take shit off no Indian”

      • AlmightyJB

        You gotta eat a bunch of ghost pepper wings and chase them with cheap beer with a few cups of coffee and creamer the next morning to get the full effect.

    • Rebel Scum

      “house brand”

      I will sacrifice other things to be able to afford good toilet paper.

  26. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    http://lileks.com/bleats/archive/20/0320/030920.html

    Interesting article about the hysterics during the Swine Flu (which was deadlier and infected far more people in the US at this point) versus the hysterics around the Huwan flu.

    I’m no doctor, but it would seem that the world economy is being shutdown for the flu, essentially. The run-up on the Dow and now the run-down will forever stand as a testament to the notion that perception creates reality rather than reality creating perceptions.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Also, SPOILER: calling the coronavirus the “Wuhan flu” is in no way shape or form “racist”. Only Chicoms want you to believe that.

      • AlmightyJB

        Wacist!

      • leon

        And Popehat.

        Huwan flu.

        Not only are you a Racist, you racistly can’t get the name of the place correct. That’s MK Ultra Racist!

      • C. Anacreon

        Awfully close to Hoo Flung Poo

    • AlmightyJB

      The market was looking for a reason to go down.

      • Pope Jimbo

        looking for a reason to go down

        Slut shaming?

      • Fourscore

        “Death by Deficit”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      It’s definitely a curious turn of events.

      It speaks to the fragility of the markets from central bank shenanigans

    • Plinker762

      Seems to me that the economy is almost entirely perception. Fiat money has no intrinsic value. The government spends more than it takes in with no plans to stop. I’m at the point where I think the only reason we pay taxes is to prop up the facade.

      • leon

        Well that an not go to jail.

      • The Hyperbole

        Meh, plenty of people never pay taxes and don’t go to jail. The trick is to be either very rich or very poor, it’s you suckers in the middle that have to play by the rules.

      • leon

        ^^^ true dat

    • Gustave Lytton

      SAR-CoV-2 isn’t the flu (influenza), and there are a number of differences.

      Influenza, even H1N1, is better understood, known to be seasonal (but if it reaches a threshold, it can spread out of season), there is a vaccine that’s varying degrees of effectiveness (the H1N1 vaccine was released in the middle and then incorporated into the following year’s cocktail), and there are drug treatments available to lessen the severity. There’s also some prior immunity in the general population due to previous influenza exposure. None of that for this one.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        This.

        Panicking is silly, but treating this as a nothingburger that’s less bad than the flu isn’t smart either, IMO.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The mortality rate really misses the bigger problem, a significant portion of those infected need hospital care, which can quickly be overwhelmed if this is unchecked. Once there’s no more actual beds (or staff), that mortality number will go up, not just for the 85 year old smoker but also for the 16 year old in a car accident or the 30 year old with a gunshot.

        Really don’t want to get to that point, and the earlier social distancing is used effectively, the lower the peak can be.

    • Rebel Scum

      “Huwan flu”

      Not as deadly as the Juan Flu.

  27. Pope Jimbo

    Brett, is Beer Week at that dive bar you took me to? I would almost make a special trip back to your neck of the woods if I could spend a week at that place.

    • Pope Jimbo

      I think it was Mahuffer’s wasn’t it?

      The reviews are pretty much spot on. When two Glibs are the class customers in a joint, you know it is a dive bar.

    • Juvenile Bluster

      “Free Candy” would look a lot better stenciled in, FYI.

    • Plinker762

      Put a Duramax in that thing.

    • Count Potato

      I thought regular vans were extinct, or is that just Dodge and Ford?

    • leon

      Why do you hate my balls.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        If we’re truly a group of Reason refugees, SOMEONE has to be on the nutkick beat. Between google alerts and twitter I see a lot of this, so y’all have to as well.

      • hayeksplosives

        How are people not totally up in arms over this outrage?

        It’s not even one of those “What’s the big deal if you have nothing to hide?” Things.

      • Viking1865

        I mean, the ATF has been doing this to gun owners, specifically to Class 3 dealers for decades. Walk up to a machine gun dealer at a gun show, ask him to show you a select fire AR, ask him questions about the inner workings of it, and then charge him with conspiracy to violate federal firearms laws, claiming he was telling the informant how to convert a semiauto to full auto. Then you seize all his guns at the show, seize the truck he brought them in, seize any cash he has on him, and indict him.

      • The Hyperbole

        Apparently JB is Andrew Golota and we are Riddick Bowe.

      • pan fried wylie

        Stay tuned for a preview of next week’s episode of Why do you hate my balls, Sundays at 8/9pm, only on FX!

  28. Juvenile Bluster

    Today in police fuckery, bonus round:

    Police seize $380k from man, and then arrest his wife, mother and father. They tell him that if he just gives up the $380k without a fight, they’ll drop the charges against his family.

    Of the money, $323k goes to the police department and the remainder goes to the prosecution.

    In what world (I know, this one) is this not felony extortion?

    • hayeksplosives

      How….who…?

      • Juvenile Bluster

        It’s worse than you’re thinking, by the way.

        Card struggles with mental and physical ailments and the documents included in the court file show prescriptions dating back to at least 2015. Card had prescriptions for all the pills police found, Romines said, and they were still in the pharmacy packaging.

        Oftentimes, when police seize cash in relation to drug trafficking charges, officers will point out that the drugs found on the scene were packaged for sale. That was not the case for Card. Napier, the St. Matthews detective, didn’t address how the drugs were packaged when he testified to the grand jury. On the citation, he wrote that the number of pills found was “far in excess of the 120 required for felony trafficking.”

        “There’s zero evidence of any sort of trafficking of any type,” Romines said. “If you’re drug trafficking, you don’t have pills from five years ago. You sell those pills.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I only have two balls man.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        I’ve got more.

        I may ask if I can do one nutpunch links thread a week just to get them all out of the way.

      • Tundra

        “Lucky!”

        /Hitler’s ghost

      • Fatty Bolger

        “Double lucky!”

        /Goebbels

  29. Aus

    Saudi Arabia / Oil oligarchs: But a shitton of Put Options, then unleash the oil price war.

    Profit!

    (I’m assuming oil insiders did this)

  30. Count Potato

    My cable company is retarded. I’ve been trying to settle a bill since December. I asked several different people there, and they all claimed they don’t have an address where I could send a letter. Who ever heard of such a thing?

    • hayeksplosives

      I reckon the BBB is of a different opinion.

      • Aus

        BBB is a borderline scam imo.

        From what I understand, businesses can pay for higher scores/grades.

        When it came to my employment, I would respond to BBB complaints, but I took consumer complaints from the State Attorney General Office *much* more seriously.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’ll beat that.

      Verizon service suspended.

      Goes to store. “Hey, you didn’t send me the bill and cut off service for non payment.”

      “Sir, you’re on auto-pay.”

      “So why didn’t you take the payment from the card on file?”

      *blank stare*

      “Just take me off auto pay and send me the bill.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Or…

      “Hey, I need you to take me off e-billing since I no longer have an account at that bank.”

      “I can’t do that. You have to call your bank.”

      “I no longer have an account at that bank so I can’t call them and have them change anything. You send the bill out, so it stands to reason that you can choose how to send the bill out.”

      “I’m sorry sir, you have to call your bank…”

      *face turns slightly red*

      “You seem to be able to send me a late notice by mail but you can’t send me the bill?”

      “I’m sorry sir, you have to call your bank.. ”

      “#$_-+&$$!!”

      • Count Potato

        That’s Kafkaesque.

      • Agent Cooper

        I’d cancel the service and tell them I’m switching a competitor.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Can’t. It’s the sanitation district. They handle the sewer service.

    • Aus

      Curious; why do you need to send a snail mail letter?

      • Count Potato

        Because they don’t do email, and I’m getting no where on the phone.

      • Fatty Bolger

        That’s bizarre. How can they not do email? Usually you submit a question on their website, and they answer it via email.

      • Count Potato

        They don’t do that.

  31. Tulip

    I think Trump will do well if he keeps hitting stuff like low flow toilets that don’t work right. I’m not sure people will blame him for the economy, but the dems could make headway hitting the lack of sick pay for people during the pandemic. It’ll be interesting.

    • Viking1865

      God can you imagine the amount of times Donny needs to flush? Dude lives off fast food and Diet Coke. He probably spends an hour on the toilet every day.

      • The Hyperbole

        He probably spends an hour on the toilet

        An Hour? is that a long time? Asking for a friend.

      • Viking1865

        Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, thats why I shit on company time.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Hence the poop knife.

      • Grummun

        Let’s just say he’s not tweeting when he’s up and walking around.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Between quarantines and this, I predict a record quarter for pornhub.

    • AlmightyJB

      I’m going to live forever!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Death cult

      • Homple

        Mary Cohen!

    • Raven Nation

      Drop & roll, baby, drop & roll.

      • Homple

        Always a chance to learn from the mistakes of others.

  32. Count Potato

    “BREAKING: A D.C. priest has Coronavirus. He offered communion and shook hands with more than 500 worshippers last week and on February 24th. All worshippers who visited the Christ Church in Georgetown must self-quarantine. Church is cancelled for the first time since the 1800’s”

    https://twitter.com/SweeneyABC/status/1237018677360410624

    yikes!

    • Fatty Bolger

      Nuke D.C. from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

      • Homple

        Somewhere there’s a vat where the people in that thread were marinated in idiocy.

    • Gustave Lytton

      March Madness is done and so is baseball. At least with an audience.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        But TV sales will be up

      • AlmightyJB

        It’s the TV advertising and the merchandise. Online stores should do well, mall stores not so much.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      What’s with the “Trump Could Profit From Coronavirus Testing” tweets and the general accusations that Trump and his fatcat friends are getting rich on this?

      Of course, someone probably accused Obama of the same.

      • AlmightyJB

        Not going to see social security reform on the docket for yet another 10 years at least.

      • Rhywun

        That’s OK, it was never going to happen anyway.

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        I saw it in relation to why we just didn’t pick up the tests that other countries developed. The implication being that he’s trying to steer testing business to his buddies. It’s possible, I suppose. I would like to know why Korea and other countries can ramp up testing so quickly, but we can’t.

      • IRBE

        FYI… these test kits are kind of complicated and regulated. I worked at the company that invented PCR and met the Kary Mullis RIP who came up with the concept. He claimed the idea came to him while he was driving up from SF to Medecino while high on acid. Some called him paranoid for being so protective of the patent since the company gave him a $10K bonus and no chance for royalities. He got was a Nobel Prize. Company sold tech to Roche for $300MM. Roche makes $10B/year on royalities, today.

      • Ted S.

        FDA regulations?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Bureaucratic inertia and the unwillingness to give up control, disbelief that we’d have a widespread and spreading disease in a matter of weeks, and a fear that panic will take hold when the real numbers start to come out. My guesses.

    • Gustave Lytton

      The MiL is the girlfriend, right?

  33. Fatty Bolger

    @Florida Man – Did a little research on your TV, and it looks like Newegg isn’t an authorized re-seller for LG. Their LG TV’s are actually mostly from a company called Gameliquidations, and they aren’t an authorized re-seller, either. That’s apparently why LG won’t honor the warranty. Technically there’s nothing stopping them from doing that, but you might have some luck if you make a stink on with bad reviews on Newegg and any LG or other social media sites that they monitor. I went to Newegg, and there’s nothing obvious there about the LG TV’s not having a manufacturer warranty. That’s pretty shitty, IMO.

    • Grummun

      Since NewEgg went the route of acting as a marketplace for third party sellers, it’s been open season for shitty used or refurbed kit, and NewEgg apparently doesn’t care to or cannot police those vendors. 15K SAS drives “new” for $70, whatever. All the reviews say “these are used crap” but still the item remains listed.

  34. DenverJ

    Paranoid idiots need to stop buying all the dust masks- they won’t stop you from catching Corona, and some of us actually need them for work.

    • Gustave Lytton

      You’re a robot, just suck up those asbestos fibers.

      • DenverJ

        It interferes with my breathing simulation