Allamakee County Chronicles XV – A Bend In the Zode

by | Apr 13, 2020 | LifeSkills, Outdoors, Yoots | 180 comments

Note:  A prologue from my upcoming autobiography, Life’s Too Short to Smoke Cheap Cigars (Or to Drink Cheap Whiskey.)

There’s Always That One Guy.

Every crowd of teenagers has at least one misfit.  The group of woods bums I hung around with in high school was no exception; our misfit was Iggy “Zode” Winkel.

Nobody was quite sure how Ignatius Aloysius Winkel got his nickname.  Granted his given names were a mouthful and not amenable to abbreviation.  But how the local guys derived “Zode” from that, an incident that happened around the second grade, was something of a mystery.  I once asked my buddy Dave about it, and he shrugged and said, “because he’s a zode.”  None of us were quite sure what a zode was, other than that Zode was one.

Zode smoked, drank, chased girls, flirted with truck stop waitresses, frequently stayed out all night fishing, skipped school to hunt pheasants, and had not been known to engage in any productive paying work in anyone’s memory.  Despite this, Zode also had some negative personality traits, one of which stood out like a supernova.

That one negative trait was a propensity to assert infallible knowledge on any topic, at any time, under any circumstance, with great and unwavering certainty – whether he actually knew anything about the topic or not.

In short, Zode was a know-it-all.

On Infallibility.

The actual by-gosh Upper Iowa.

Now all teenagers exhibit this trait to some extent; ask any parent of a teenager.  The teen always knows more on any given subject than any adult – just ask any teen, they’ll tell you.  But Zode developed the know-it-all trait to an extreme hitherto unknown in the annals of human history.  The problem with Zode’s know-it-all-ism was that Zode was rarely, if ever, right about anything.

Take fishing, for example.  Zode knew more ways to catch fish than possibly any other person alive.  Indeed, Zode was an expert on all fishing, not just our homegrown varieties; deep-sea fishing, saltwater, freshwater, you name it.  What’s worse, he frequently insisted on holding forth on these subjects for hours on end.

One beautiful August afternoon, Zode was part of a group of us boys who set off for an Upper Iowa river bass fishing expedition.  When the local smallmouths proved uncooperative, we stopped by a big pool above a bend in the river that we knew could produce a few big channel cats.

“The trick to catfishing,” Zode expounded, “is to get the bait right out in the channel.  That’s where the really big ones are, right in the stream.  The current brings food right to them.”  With that, Zode grabbed his old bait-casting rod and reached to unhook the big treble-hooked popper from where it was hung on the bottom guide loop, promptly getting a treble hook caught in the web of his hand.

“AYOWWWW!!!”  Zode yelped in pain.  My buddy Jon, while unsheathing a wickedly sharp fillet knife roughly the size of a Saracen scimitar, replied “Aw, don’t worry, Zode, I’ll pop that ol’ hook right outta your thumb.”

After three complete circuits of the island at a dead run, we managed to pin Zode long enough to wrestle the hook loose.  But Zode wasn’t finished yet.

“You guys don’t know anything about fishhooks,” he sniffed, “you’re supposed to push them through and cut off the barb, not back them out.”  A little blood was still seeping through his fingers where they were clamped on his hand.

“Maybe we should have pushed it right through your head, Zode” grumped Jon, brushing sand from his shirt.

The day progressed from there with more pearls of wisdom from the mind of Zode.

“You shouldn’t pull the canoe that far up on the bank.”

“Your reel shouldn’t be making that clicking noise.  Here, let me have a look at it.”

“Are you sure that you’ve aged that catfish bait long enough?  It doesn’t smell strong enough.”  And that comment was directed at some of Jon’s custom deluxe catfish formula, which caused eyes to water and curled nose hairs at fifty paces and prompted dogs to howl in agony a good hundred yards downwind.

I’m still not certain how we got through the afternoon without tossing Zode right into the Upper Iowa, but we did.  In fact, I’m still not certain why Zode was a part of the group on as many of our outings as he was.  And yet, whenever three or more of us got together to run a trapline, catch some trout, or shoot a few rabbits, there would be Zode.  With the unerring instinct of a bloodhound homing in on a fleeing felon, Zode could sniff out any group of boys intent on an outdoor activity.

This One Time…

Our quarry.

The final straw came on a bitter-cold late-season pheasant hunt.  Four of us – Jon, Zode, Albert Hedley, and I, had cut a morning of school to pick up a few birds.

Jon had standing permission to hunt the old Duffey place, a couple hundred acres of cornfield and woodlot.  The minus–30 degree wind was blasting tiny ice pellets across a skin of hard crusted snow as we piled out of Jon’s ancient, cantankerous Dodge van on the side of the road near a section of cornfield that was “up top,” or on the top of the big rolling hills that make up much of northeast Iowa.   The old red oak that arched over the parking place rattled its last few dry leaves at us.  The world was bitterly cold and seemingly still, with only a lonely hawk wheeling high overhead in a sky as pale blue as only a frigid Iowa January could produce.   But as we tightened parka hoods and scarves, and pulled on mittens, we knew the birds were out there.  The old Duffy place never failed to produce.  The four of us set off along a line of sumac towards the first big slough.

We paused at the edge of the field to plan strategy.  While Jon laid out his plan, I was contentedly watching a white-throated sparrow braving the bitter wind to search for grass seeds.  It didn’t take Zode long to get his two cents in.

“We shouldn’t cut up the slough.”  Zode postulated.  “We should work along the fencerow over here and cut over to the slough at the top.”  Never mind that this thickly overgrown slough always produced birds, and that the fencerow was visibly bare and barren of life.  Never mind that Zode’s plan would allow the birds to slip down to the ditch and away.  Zode always had The Plan.

“Oh, clam up, Zode” Jon snorted.  With Zode protesting all the way, we started up the slough.

About halfway up the slough, a rooster thrashed up out of the weeds and beat past Albert, who dropped him neatly with a single shot.

“You should hold your hand farther ahead on your gun, Albert” Zode offered.  “And I think you stopped your swing when you shot.  That’s a miss every time.”

The landscape.

Retrieving his dead rooster, Albert just smiled.  “This one wasn’t a miss, Zode” Albert answered, holding up the bird.  Zode was undeterred.  “I know what I’m talking about, I tell ya.”

The next bird came up right in front of Zode.  He fired three shots from his old pump gun, for three clean misses.  Jon dropped the bird with his 16-gauge Remington 11.

“What was that about stopping your swing, Zode?”  Jon was not one to pass up an opportunity to gloat.  Zode looked the other way.  “I bet there’s birds in the field on the other side of the ridge” he evaded.

For once Zode might have a point, I thought.  “That’s a good idea.  I think we ought to cut through the woods and try the north fields.  We might pick up a couple grouse in the woods on the way over.”

So, through the woods we went, struggling through tangles of raspberry and blackberry thickets, and climbing over limestone outcrops.  Along the top of a small ridgeline, we walked under majestic white oaks, bare now, branches rattling in the wind.  The temperature seemed to be dropping.  I pulled my parka hood tighter.

“Let’s cut down through the woods and hunt the cornfields down in the bottoms,” Jon offered.  “Might see a grouse yet, or maybe a few squirrels.”

“Why not go down the power line cut?”  Zode wanted to know.  “It’s right here, and we wouldn’t have to fight through the brush.  You should know that you never find grouse on north-facing slopes anyway.”

We looked at the power line cut.  Some years earlier, the power company had cut a swath through the forest to run a power line down to the Duffey farm.  That cut now stood bare, sheathed in snow, with only weeds and a few sumacs grown up in its path.  The power line crossed the ridge just to our left, and the line and its cut dropped down a precipitous slope to the valley below.  And the valley was a big one even for the hilly, driftless country of Allamakee County; a good mile across, several hundred feet deep at this point.  The hill dropped off precipitously down the power line cut, a steep, rocky slope that was difficult to negotiate on a warm, dry summer day.

Now, in the winter, with a good foot of snow on the ground?

Ruffed Grouse love winter.

“I’m not gonna try it.”  Albert stated.  “Me neither.”  Jon and I chorused.

“You guys are such wimps.  Go down through the woods, then, I’ll see you at the bottom.”  Zode set off with confidence, striding off towards the power line.

The rest of us started down through the woods.  We were fighting our way through a blackberry thicket when we heard the strange noise, something like a steam whistle.  It seemed to be getting louder.

“I think it’s coming from the power line cut” Jon said, his eyes wide.  The eerie shriek was getting louder still.

We were about fifty yards from the power line cut, so we broke loose from the thicket and trotted to the treeline.  The shrieking object turned out to be Zode, tobogganing down the slope at an incredible clip.  He was sliding, feet-first, shotgun held in the air, surrounded by a cloud of fine, gritty snow.  The shriek followed him as he passed us, Dopplering off as he continued his shrieking descent.  The wind of his passage bent tree branches over and nearly whipped off Albert’s stocking cap.  We stood open-mouthed, watching as Zode plummeted to the bottom of the slope, only to disappear over the creek bank far below.

The screech stopped suddenly.  A faint “thump” came back up to us from the direction of the creek.

And Then:

We found Zode facedown on a gravel bar at the edge of the creek, moaning softly.  After hoisting him to his feet, we discovered he’d escaped his harrowing ride with nothing more than bumps, bruises and a broken nose.  His enthusiasm for bird hunting had abated somewhat, and so we trudged back to Jon’s’ van, walking through the woods this time.  The three grouse we dropped on the way back didn’t help his discomfiture.

A typical bottomland field in winter.

As we were climbing into Jon’s van, Albert held up his two birds and noted, “You know, we ought to come back out on Saturday and get a few more birds.  We could try going over to the state forest for grouse.”

A moment of silence, the moment during which we were accustomed to Zode’s interjection with another pearl of infinite wisdom.  Our heads all turned towards Zode, expectant for the inevitable.

Instead, Zode just looked down at his boots.

“Whatever you guys think.” he muttered.  “I guess maybe you guys know more about bird hunting than I do.”

Maybe there was hope for Zode yet!

About The Author

Animal

Animal

Semi-notorious local political gadfly and general pain in the ass. I’m firmly convinced that the Earth and all its inhabitants were placed here for my personal amusement and entertainment, and I comport myself accordingly. Vote Animal/STEVE SMITH 2024!

180 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    ““You guys don’t know anything about fishhooks,” he sniffed, “you’re supposed to push them through and cut off the barb, not back them out.” ”

    That does make some sense.

    • The Hyperbole

      Some collated framing nails are held in strips by thin wires, when you shoot one through your index finger those small wires make little barbs on the nail and if you try and pull it back out it’ll rip you up worse, so you cut off the nail head and pull it the rest of the way through.

      • Mojeaux

        It was a revelation to me when a carpenter told me, “You pull the nails out through the back of the molding.”

        It would never have occurred to me to do that.

      • The Hyperbole

        Yep and a large pair of channellocks are the best tool for the job, set the jaws as close together as they go, grab the nail right down on the wood and roll the pliers on the rounded head, pop the nails right out.

    • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

      That’s how we did it when I was a kid.  {shrug}

    • R C Dean

      Depends on the situation. Straight into the meat of your thumb or finger? No. Stuck in at a shallow angle? Sure.

      Straight through your goddam ear because you don’t know how to cast in a crosswind?* Yeah, cut the barb off.

      *purely hypothetical situation that I have never personally experienced.

    • Animal

      It’s actually the correct way to do it. But we all found the notion of pushing it though Zode’s head appealing.

    • Animal

      That’s actually the best way to do it, in most cases. But we all found the notion of pushing it through Zode’s head appealing.

    • Animal

      That’s normally the best way to do it. It’s just that we all found the notion of pushing it through Zode’s head very appealing.

      • Animal

        Damn skwerlz. I kept getting timeouts on replies. Can an edit fairy clean this mess up?

    • Suthenboy

      It does and I have done it more than once. I have also pulled them out. Evaluate on a case by case basis.

  2. DEG

    I liked it.

  3. Sean

    Another fun read. *thumbs up*

  4. Count Potato

    Apparently, unlike Zode, the Zodes in the media never learned their lesson.

    “A right-wing stunt to pin the blame for Covid-19 on the World Health Organization actually contains a useful notion. There is at least some reason to suspect that WHO knowingly and consequentially misled us.”

    https://twitter.com/WIRED/status/1249348255575662593

    “This week president Trump expanded his arsenal for dealing with the coronavirus pandemic. He went from a blame-China-not-me strategy to a blame-China-and-the-World-Health-Organization-not-me strategy.

    Officials at WHO, Trump said at a press conference, are “very biased toward China”—just look at how, in the early weeks of the outbreak, they “said there’s no big deal, there’s no big problem, there’s nothing.” So Trump will be “looking into” whether to freeze US funding for WHO.

    Republican Senator Rick Scott of Florida is on board. A week before Trump’s press conference, he called for hearings into WHO’s performance. The World Health Organization, Scott says, “lied to us. It was intentional. People are dying because of it.” So, “as soon as Congress is back in session, there should be a hearing, along with a full investigation, to review whether American taxpayers should continue to spend millions of dollars every year to fund an organization that willfully parroted propaganda from the Chinese Communist Party.”

    This is a familiar right-wing move: subject international institutions to scrutiny that, if all goes according to plan, can be used to justify cutting their funding. Then, as the script typically unfolds, global governance fans like me spring to the defense of these institutions.”

    https://www.wired.com/story/trump-isnt-wrong-about-investigating-who/

    • leon

      Then, as the script typically unfolds, global governance fans like me spring to the defense of these institutions

      I’m in a completely different mindset from this person that the idea that someone would openly and happily call themselves a “Global Governance” fan is jarring.

      • Suthenboy

        It is code for ‘communist’.

      • Brochettaward

        He’s very clear that no matter what, we should keep funding them.

      • leon

        Which is funny, given the whole “We are science driven, smart technocrats. We are the Hari Seldons of our world and if you rubes would stop clinging to your outdated modes of governance we could solve everything” outlook you have to have. I mean you’d think they would be open to being wrong.

        But like Zode, they hare self assured that they are absolutely right and nothing could convince them otherwise. / ties it back on topic.

    • Rhywun

      Those crazy right-wingers sure are crazy.

      • Count Potato

        True.

      • Count Potato

        “BREAKING: 4CHAN FULL OF RACISTS

        Criticism of Communist Party of China Now Faux Pas

        Thank you, Chinese Newspeak Network. Yeah, it sucks that some people are racists. They shouldn’t be racists. I don’t like it, and I don’t approve of it. They have the right to say whatever stupid $#!+ they want, and I have the right to mock and/or ignore them.

        Also, in addition to and in no way contradicting that: It’s not my fault. I didn’t make the CPC do this, and I didn’t make a handful of genetic anomalies on 4chan react to it the wrong way.

        It doesn’t matter whether you think this virus is a bioweapon created in a lab, or the result of a bad bowl of bat soup, or an alien organism like the one that fell from the sky and infected Eddie Brock in Venom, or any other theory. No matter how this virus originated, we know where it originated: China. And it’s an indisputable fact that the Chinese government hid the initial outbreak from the world, silenced doctors and journalists who tried to warn us, and lied about how deadly and communicable the virus is. Whether you believe they acted out of malice, incompetence, or some mixture of both, the Chinese government did this to us. To all of us. Everything that’s happening to you right now is their fault.”

        https://pjmedia.com/trending/chinese-newspeak-network-cnn-frets-over-sinophobic-comments-about-chinese-coronavirus/

    • R C Dean

      subject international institutions to scrutiny that, if all goes according to plan, can be used to justify cutting their funding.

      He says this like not paying organizations that fail to do their jobs is a bad thing.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        You understood him.

    • Chipwooder

      Translation: “Goddammit, I have to admit that dumb Rethuglikkkanz have a point, don’t I?”

  5. Fourscore

    Zode was married to my daughter for 30 years, he never changed and rarely worked, because he was Zode and for the reasons Animal pointed out. Thanks, Animal, for the memories. Now I’ll be more pissed off all day than Nick.

    Great story and you’re right, there’s one in every group.

    • pistoffnick

      “Now I’ll be more pissed off all day than Nick.”

      Unlikely, Fourscore, I just have to read the newspaper to top up.

  6. Toxteth O’Grady

    Jon’s custom deluxe catfish formula, which caused eyes to water and curled nose hairs at fifty paces and prompted dogs to howl in agony a good hundred yards downwind

    Shades of Jean Shepherd!

  7. westernsloper

    Another great story Animal thanks. The pheasant population has all but disappeared around here but I saw a rooster the other day driving the back roads. It made my day.

    • UnCivilServant

      How was the rooster operating the pedals?

      • westernsloper

        With his feet. Duuuh.

      • UnCivilServant

        Must have been tall if he could also see to steer.

      • westernsloper

        It was a small car.

    • Seguin

      YOU PHEASANTS!

    • Seguin

      YOU PHEASANTS!

      *kicks trashcan*

      • Seguin

        *kicks squirrel*

  8. Suthenboy

    Very good writing Animal.
    Aside from the more northern setting and the prey you perfectly describe my childhood. Our quarry were squirrels, quail, cotton tails and wood ducks. Ours wasn’t named Zode, he was Galen. Other than that you nailed it.

    • Jarflax

      Man you are older than I thought, and your know it all at least became a doctor.

      • Suthenboy

        Well, he knew it all

  9. Gender Traitor

    I love a happy ending! : )

    • Tres Cool

      So does Bob Kraft!

      /hey-oh!

  10. RAHeinlein

    “That one negative trait was a propensity to assert infallible knowledge on any topic, at any time, under any circumstance, with great and unwavering certainty – whether he actually knew anything about the topic or not.”

    Hmm, seems odd, I’ve never met or heard of anyone like this…

    Great story, Animal!

    • Brochettaward

      Trump is now literally worse than fascists.

  11. Tundra

    Great story, Animal!

    Barbless hooks are the answer, though.

    • R C Dean

      I am not man enough to catch a fish with barbless hooks. I have tried, and failed.

  12. The Hyperbole

    Ignatius Aloysius Winkel

    I thought that was long for Mud.

      • l0b0t

        Haven’t heard that in many years. Thanks Tundra, you rock.

    • Suthenboy

      I think you mean Mudd.

      • Suthenboy

        Akchewalee the most maligned name is of a man who arguably contributed more to humanity than anyone else. Poor Thomas Crapper.

      • Chipwooder

        While Thomas Crapper was a plumbing innovator whose inventions included improvements to early toilets, the word “crap” as a synonym for feces predates him.

    • Animal

      It’s important to note that I’ve changed the names to protect the… Well, let’s just say I changed the names.

  13. Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

    A typical bottomland field in winter.

    Looks like my front yard. In spring.   :-/

  14. commodious spittoon

    It is snowing big powdery flakes in Albuquerque.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      We got about four inches overnight and it’s still lightly coming down. Been watching the radar and looks like you guys are getting most of the moisture.

      • l0b0t

        Second day of cold, driving rain on Rockaway Beach.

    • leon

      There are days i think:

      Thank heavens i don’t live in New Mexico…

      /just kidding.

  15. mikey

    Another great read, Animal. I really enjoy these.

    • Chipwooder

      It’s become a tired trope, but….

      NARRATOR: No one was actually offended

  16. l0b0t

    Thank you to whomever it was that linked to some SCTV a few threads ago (C. Anacreon maybe). I’ve gone on a deep dive with that fabulous show. Their Towering Inferno and Midnight Cowboy in 3D are bloody brilliant.

    • Plinker762

      New Soviet Minicam!!

      • Tres Cool

        “What fits into Mother Russia”

  17. R C Dean

    From the Casa Dean archives:

    A Bobcat strolling past Mrs. Dean’s office. Taken through the window. Not the same as the one that napped on our front porch.

    We do have mountain lions in the neighborhood, but I have yet to lay eyes on one. Which is fine by me. There are bears in the Catalina Mountains (to our north and west), and they have been spotted in a neighborhood a few miles to our south, but I have never seen them around here or heard of them in the mountains closest to the Casa Dean. Which is also fine by me.

    • l0b0t

      KITTEHZ!1!1! My heart is racing. I would immediately try to catch and tame them. I would love them, and squeeze them, and call them George.

      • Jarflax

        Dearly beloved we are gathered together to say goodbye to our friend l0bot. l0bot was a loving soul, but not terribly bright and that combination of traits provided a mountain lion with a great deal of food and entertainment.

    • l0b0t

      The one on your porch is sitting pretty like a good cat should. It deserves some skirt steak.

      • Gustave Lytton

        -1 missing pet poster on telephone pole

    • Timeloose

      Seeing bobcats in the wild is very strange. A giant cat that looks like you could just run up to it.

      They are plentiful in the mountains of Pennsylvania, but they are quite elusive during the day time. We typically see them at night chasing porcupines. Mountain lions are not thought to be here anymore, but there are sightings just like Steve Smith.

      • Suthenboy

        “…chasing porcupines…”

        I can think of dumber things to do….if you give me a little while.

    • RAHeinlein

      Great pictures – thanks for sharing!

    • DEG

      Nice pictures!

    • Mad Scientist

      So, he just sauntered up, politely knocked on the door, and asked if he could borrow a cup of small dog?

  18. LemonGrenade

    I do love this series. Great read, thanks.

    • R C Dean

      Same here. Really fun. My miscreant buddies and I weren’t as outdoor oriented, so we didn’t generate stories like you and yours.

      • LemonGrenade

        Ditto. I got into a few hijinks when I was a teen, but none of it involved firearms, so it was automatically less exciting.

    • Rebel Scum

      Thank you, Trump voters. You all share responsibility for the deaths of thousands of Americans.

      Trump unleashed the murder-drones?

      Universal Code Of Military Justice would deal with him fairly and firmly. It applies to every Private, it should apply to the Comander in Chief as well. He wants to control the Military but not be accountable to it.

      Um…wut?

      • leon

        It is known that the President as Commander in Chief is a member of the Military, and so should be imprisoned by the military for being super evil….

      • Rebel Scum

        There is much stupid there in that thread. I am pretty sure the CnC is supposed to be accountable to the citizens and the military must “always be subordinate to the civil power.”

      • leon

        The idea that these people think beyond the “Look at how bad Trump is” is probably giving them too much credit.

      • Chipwooder

        One of the bedrock principles of the American military is that the commander in chief is a civilian, the president. Civilian, and thus not a member of the military and not subject to the UCMJ.

        I’m sure anyone claiming Trump should be subject to the UCMJ also would have been in favor of slapping an Article 134 charge on Bill Clinton (and a bunch of other presidents, as well).

      • Gustave Lytton

        I seem to remember that UCMJ angle was also brought up when Clinton’s affair came out. And quickly put down.

  19. Toxteth O’Grady

    Rand has grown a beard!

    Varney concedes to Judge Nap that he’s got him to come around some on surveillance!

    • R C Dean

      Rand has grown a beard!

      Which tells you he isn’t going to be around known Commie Cough patients at the hospital, as you can’t wear an N95 over a beard and have it work correctly.

  20. l0b0t

    Hey Suthen. I saw your reply about the mudbugs. If I were paying for them, I would agree with you wholeheartedly. However, I’m often a guest at boils hosted by friends. While I do love the wee welfare lobsters, I prefer to leave the bulk of them to those who I know love them more than I. If we are talking stone crab claws, all bets are off and I will gleefully fork-stab anyone who gets between me and my favorite crustacean.

  21. RAHeinlein

    Is anyone else tired of the myriad organizations begging for money so they can feed, supply, and support health care heroes?

    • Lackadaisical

      Heh.

      It is sad no one will pay them for their talents.

  22. kinnath

    So this work from home stuff, if I call to my wife “hey honey, grab me a drink while you’re up” — does not constitute a hostile workplace?

  23. kinnath

    So this work from home stuff, if I call to my wife “hey honey, grab me a drink while you’re up” — does that constitute a hostile workplace?

      • kinnath

        Did I stutter?

      • kinnath

        Am I Bruce Willis or Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

      • Jarflax

        Waldo Pepper

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      No, but feeding the squirrels does.

      Just be sure she doesn’t go to HR for the sexual harassment.

  24. Timeloose

    Animal,

    This is a great series that makes me feel nostalgic every time. Everyone has a Zode.

    • Translucent Chum

      There’s a facebook group that started Saturday and has over 250k members. Normally I wouldn’t make much of it, but she’s managed to piss everyone off.

    • Shirley Knott

      Thanks!

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      “Im not going nuts” is a great end cap to that one.

      *prepares popcorn*

  25. robc

    The covid19.healthdata.org model finally updated for deaths on 4/8 and 4/9 (so they are still a few days behind) and with it, their projections going forward, If shows deaths turning much earlier now and being as much as 300 less per day than before. But then it slows down faster and goes to more deaths per day at the end of the month. It looks like the total predicted deaths by Aug 1 is the same (I didnt write that number down). So instead of peaking at 2200 per day on the 12th and falling to 700 per day by end of month, it peaks on the 10th at 1983 and falls into the 900s by the end of the month.

    Wha the fa?

    • R C Dean

      That’s what flattening the curve should look like. The volume of the curve (total deaths, cases, whatever) doesn’t change. The peak is lower and the tail is fatter. The lockdown won’t prevent infections/fatalities (unless it pushes the tail into hotter weather which (may) stop the virus), just delay them.

      • RAHeinlein

        Stop lying – we are locked-up to save lives!

      • robc

        Agreed, but that isnt what their model has been doing so far.

      • robc

        This was also my argument the other day for lifting restrictions, we flattened too much, hospitals (as you know) aren’t close to being overwhelmed outside of NY.

        So lift restrictions and burn thru to herd immunity a little faster.

      • Brett L

        Florida is holding at 1.1k/day for 10 days. Only 1000 more to go before we achieve sufficient immunity density to go back to work!

    • Gustave Lytton

      “Stay at home is working, therefore we need to continue it indefinitely otherwise the boogey manvirus will start right up again.”

    • Pine_Tree

      “We can’t admit we were wrong.”

    • Gustave Lytton

      Fake journalist and moral scumbag George Stephanopoulos is the latest Covid-19 infectee.

      Is it just me or does it seem like media/entertainment parasites and politicians are infected at a high rate than the general public?

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        They probably travel more and meet more people than the average Joe. Or maybe they’re attention whores.

      • Chipwooder

        Many of them live (or at least work) in NYC, where the epidemic is concentrated, or in other dense urban environments with higher than average rates of infection. They also inhabit a social strata that does a helluva lot more international travel than regular joes.

      • R C Dean

        Transmission happens via social networks.

        Also, I have little doubt that they regard precautions as fine for the little people, but not for Important People like themselves, who can’t be bothered by the inconvenience.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Those make sense. But if they’re more likely to be exposed, good luck for either the media or politicians making decisions for the rest of us dispassionately.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Crap. Another one that ended up out of order instead of at the bottom.

    • Ted S.

      My county saw a 3% increase in the number of total cases from yesterday, so over three weeks to double. NYS as a whole is probably a bit under three weeks to double.

      And for the past three days, it’s remained steady at 92.5% of cases in the state being from Rockland/Westchester and points south.

      But we had to put the whole fucking state on “pause”, because FYTW.

  26. gbob

    Huh. Trying to post for third time.

    Great story animal.

    Looks like squirrels have eaten my post about the Glibs poker game this Wednesday night. Let me try it again.

    If you don’t already have it, download the free PokerStars software from http://www.pokerstars.net

    Open the main poker lobby, then click on the Home Games tab

    Click the ‘Join a Poker Club’ button

    Enter my Club ID number: 3465229

    Enter my Invitation Code: fuckofftupla

    The first game will be held on Wednesday, at 9pm Eastern. I’ll set up a separate discord room for us to use voice while we play.

    Register early. Also, send me an email at bampowgal at g m ail.com with your glib name and what name you’re registered to on Pokerstars.

    First game we’ll do honor system. it’s a 20 dollar buy in. Keep track, and be sure to send that twenty to the winner’s paypal after the game.

    If we make this regular, we’ll work out a better system going forward.

  27. gbob

    Anyone else not being able to post?

    • Don Escaped Kenosha

      yeah: hit or miss; sometimes I’d get a 410 back

    • Rebel Scum

      Post Comment

      Cancel and refresh

  28. Certified Public Asshat

    Bernie has endorsed Biden.

    • leon

      We all knew he would. What an unprincipled little man. I mean i might not like your principles, but if you stick with them i’ll like them more. (And your princple can’t be, anything to obtain power for me and my party). I mean, even one of the most power hungry people, Warren, didn’t endorse Biden.

      • Chipwooder

        A guy I know who is no socialist was mildly pro-Bernie because he considered Grandpa Gulag “honest”. Hopefully this disabuses him of that opinion.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        I have to give some credit to the Bernie Bros (for now at least), they are all stating a refusal to vote for Biden.

      • Chipwooder

        Talcum X is very upset!

      • Lackadaisical

        I dunno about ‘all’. I’ve heard some are.

    • Rebel Scum

      I laughed out loud when that alert popped up on my phone.

      The Lady: What’s funny?
      Me: Bernie cucked out again and endorsed Biden.
      The Lady: *rolls eyes*

  29. Toxteth O’Grady

    Ah hell. Yusef reports feeling poorly; so far not quite like death but his disc golf partner sent him home. Fever, dyspnea, dizziness.

    • DEG

      Really? That’s not good. I hope Yusef gets well soon.

      • Chipwooder

        Dude’s been through a lot lately. Hope it turns around for him.

    • Mojeaux

      Shit.

      Get better, Yusef!

    • Jarflax

      Sorry Yusef! Feel better soon!

    • YDAK

      I don’t think it’s the Commie Plague, just the Flu, and I have been running myself ragged lately,
      Food and Chill for a while,
      And I lost my voice, no pain, just no sound….

  30. YDAK

    I don’t think it’s the Commie Plague, just the Flu, and I have been running myself ragged lately,
    Food and Chill for a while,

    • l0b0t

      Love you Yusef. Get some rest and cuddle with your animals.

      • Gender Traitor

        What l0b0t said!

      • Rhywun

        dittoes

    • R C Dean

      If you’re not feeling better in a couple of days, get tested for the Commie Cough. Shouldn’t be any charges. You’re in a risk group. This can be a nasty one, so don’t mess around.

      Speaking of testing, a 45 minute turnaround test is starting to hit the market, with the usual ramp up. We should get ours next week, and be doing them the week after (takes a week to calibrate, etc.).

      • Gustave Lytton

        Rapid serological testing is also about/already starting too. Can’t come quickly enough, as long as it’s accurate.

      • YDAK

        I will do that RC, Thanks for the advice,
        OTOH I ended up restarting my PC Before my comment posted….. Twice,

      • Drake

        Is that one you have to have a cephid machine?

      • R C Dean

        Yep.

    • LemonGrenade

      Rest up and hope you feel better soon!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Take care Yusef! Do hope you’re feeling better soon.

  31. Ozymandias

    Thanks for this story, Animal; I really enjoy your writing.

  32. leon

    https://twitter.com/DeAngelisCorey/status/1248078088874983424

    Harvard Law School is officially hosting an event against homeschooling in June.

    “The focus will be on problems of educational deprivation and child maltreatment that too often occur under the guise of homeschooling.”

    Among the speakers are people who want their to be a “presumptive ban” and regulatory oversight on homeschooling. If it isn’t clear that these people think your kids belong to them and the state, and that they must be indoctrinated by the state, i don’t know what else could.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Rage building.

    • Chipwooder

      Even Sly and the Family Stone?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        They straddle Boomers and Gen-X.

    • kinnath

      Not very realistic. I can actually understand the words.

  33. catchthecarp

    Reading that story brought back a memory. Back when I was 15 I had bought a cheap fly rod and with lots of practice had gotten pretty good at casting it. One day my friend and I went fishing at a nearby farm pond and I brought the flyrod along. Fishing was slow so I broke out the fly rod and started catching bluegill and sunfish. My friend asked if he could try it. I tried giving him some pointers but he cut me off and said he knew how do it and to just give him the rod. On his first cast he impaled his ear lobe with the fly, clean thru. Hahaha.

    • Suthenboy

      Y’all are making me want to go fishing.

    • Fatty Bolger

      LOL, nice. I had something similar happen, a friend was acting all superior and tried to give the rest of us pointers on casting, and then put the hook right in his own ear. We almost died laughing, and he got pissed because we took our time making fun of him before helping him to get it out.

  34. leon

    Did you know CNN did a poll and 30% of Americans believe that the ‘VID came from a lab. What moroons.

    Now do a poll asking how many Americans think Russia changed vote tallies in the 2016 election.

    • Ted S.

      Ah, that’s why “30% of Americans” is trending on Twatter.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Note the shading that it was developed in a lab. Never mind the coronavirus research being done in Wuhan or the now destroyed samples of the intermediate host animal or the Chinese government involvement in suppressing and shading information for the past four months. Just stupid Americans.

    • grrizzly

      Why would it be crazy to doubt the official narrative from China? Any argument is dumbed down to a conspiracy theory.

    • hayeksplosives

      Of course the Russians changed the vote! All the journalists assure me the Russians interfered in our election, so it has to be a vote rig. There’s no other way to explain Donald winning instead of Herself.

    • Suthenboy

      I’d bet the farm on it. It is also having me look back at SARS, Swine Flu and all of the other shit coming out of China.
      Other than a general overview I never studied viruses so I don’t know enough about them to know what I am looking at. It could be that increased international travel is why we are having what appears to be an increase in frequency of these cootie outbreaks but it does seem odd that it keeps coming from the same place.

  35. hayeksplosives

    Goo dc times. I’d like to see these edited and published somewhere.

  36. hayeksplosives

    The foreign papers are picking up US tabloids and make it sound like virus anarchy over here.

    The food bank dilemma: Coronavirus transmission fears for millions of desperate Americans as they wait in long crowded lines for handouts

  37. Raven Nation

    “Well, just had another friend delete and block me on FB. Guy is from France. We where talking sports history. He asked me “who won the first Tour de France.” Apparently the Fifth Panzer Division is not the correct answer.”

    Accompanied by the picture of a German tank, the above post violates Facebook’s rules and will not be posted.

    • l0b0t

      Nice… I have an old chum who emigrated to New Orleans after the war and opened a jazz bar. One night, we were all sitting around and the topic turned to prom. Everyone related prom stories, then turned to Otto and asked him what his prom was like. He thought for a moment and chuckled – “Prom? When I was 16, we were marching across Poland.”

    • catchthecarp

      LOL