The Hat and The Hair: Episode 156

by | May 20, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 173 comments

 

“I’m not fat, I’m not fat, I’m the healthiest man alive,” Donald said, nude, on top of his desk, squatting, sweating, wild-eyed. “ALIVE!” he screamed and ate another hydroxychloroquine tablet.

“Stop, Donald, just stop,” the hat cried from the settee. “You’re taking too many!”

“NEVER!” Donald said defiantly.

“Fat?” the hair asked weakly, draped over the hat’s bill, thinning, greying, coughing piteously.

“Pelosi called him fat,” the hat whispered. “Morbidly obese.”

“Aw, fuck,” the hair said limply.

“I heard that!” Donald said. He struggled awkwardly to stand and then began bouncing his happy Buddha belly up and down, the overhang slapping against his gunt.

“Jesus! Oh, Jesus!” the hat said. “Where is there a God to forbid such things?”

Donald stopped suddenly, vomited over the side of the desk, and then fell off.

“Ah, ha! Nausea!” the hat said. “One of the more common side effects is nausea!” He used his bill to tap the laptop in front of him awake. The hair groaned in pain.

“Listen to this, Donald,” the hat said.

“Is he even awake?” the hair asked.

“Nausea, stomach cramps, and diarrhea,” the hat read from the screen. “Altered eye pigmentation, acne, anemia, bleaching of hair.”

“Bleaching of hair?” the hair asked.

“Blisters in mouth and eyes, blood disorders, convulsions, vision difficulties, diminished reflexes, emotional changes… Emotional changes, Donald. Did you hear that?” the hat demanded.

Donald and the hair both grunted.

“Excessive coloring of the skin,” the hat continued. “You already have this one!”

“Hearing loss,” the hat continued.

“‘What?” Donald demanded from the floor.

“Hives, itching, liver problems or liver failure, loss of hair,” the hat went on. “Loss of hair, Donald! LOSS OF HAIR! Your killing your hair!” the hat said loudly.

“Me, I’m your hair, Donald,” the hair said weakly.

“Muscle paralysis, weakness or atrophy, nightmares, psoriasis, reading difficulties, tinnitus, skin inflammation and scaling, skin rash, vertigo, weight loss, and occasionally urinary incontinence,” the hat finished.

“Definitely the last one,” Donald said from behind the desk. He rolled over onto his back, ponderous and slow.

“These pills taste terrible,” Donald said.

“Did you just take another one?” the hat asked.

“I’m never going to die,” Donald mumbled, then had several long bouts of dry-heaving.

“We have to get him to stop,” the hair said.

“You just stay strong for me,” the hat told the hair. “You’ve got to stay strong!”

“I feel like I have a swimming pool in my ass,” Donald said. “Can I have a Diet Coke?”

“Is it to wash down another one of those pills?” the hat asked.

“No,” Donald replied unconvincingly.

“Then, no… no more Diet Coke for you,” the hat said.

“There’s a sink in the Shitter,” Donald said, trying to backstroke through the carpet.

“Tap water? You? Go ahead. I’d LOVE to see it,” the hat said and laughed.

Donald stopped wriggling on the floor. “I have the itching and the reading difficulties,” Donald said. “But at least no Chinese Virus.”

“You’ve already had it, like, nine times, Donald,” the hat said. “Our future selves keep coming back and curing you!”

“There is no such thing as the future,” Donald said hollowly.

“That last set of us,” the hair whispered. “I think they were gay for each other.”

“Oh, no,” the hat said. “One hundred percent gay for each other. But that timeline is gone. Gone, gone, gone.”

The hat, cradling his friend, looked to heaven and saw only the water stains on the ceiling.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

173 Comments

  1. WTF

    LO fucking L!

  2. The Late P Brooks

    “There is no such thing as the future,” Donald said hollowly.

    Not worth living in, anyway.

    • Ted S.

      We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

  3. Count Potato

    I still have no idea why he is taking that stuff, but CNN can’t stop talking about it.

    • Brett L

      It’s used as a prophylactic for malaria, so if it works on COVID, it would make sense to use it before you were sick. The science does not appear to be settled as to the efficacy, but it seems like something you’d do if you were doctor to a germaphobic President.

      • Gustave Lytton

        It’s also taken as a maintenance med for lupus and RA. Should be data from that as a prophylactic, one way or another.

    • Suthenboy

      Trump says not eating dingleberries is good. CNN devotes an entire show of reporters gobbling their own shit.

      • AlexinCT

        They don’t need Trump to encourage them to do that daily Suthen…

    • R C Dean

      Apparently, it works as an adjunct for zinc. Without zinc, the thinking is it doesn’t do much. It basically carries zinc inside cells, where the zinc fucks up the virus, is my understanding.

      So, of course, we don’t have any studies in the US of HCQ and zinc. Lots of studies of HCQ on its own, especially as a treatment for no-hopers. Its almost like the #resistance is perfectly willing to sideline a possibly/likely helpful drug, just so people can say Trump is a doofus.

      • hayeksplosives

        If it’s just for the zinc, take the Zicam zinc and vitamin C pills called ColdEze.

        Taken at the first sign of a cold, and it helps your immune system win. Much shorter and less severe cold. One of the few “at home” things that helps.

    • Rebel Scum

      Caleb Hull
      @CalebJHull
      Replying to
      @morningmika

      Karen af

    • Chipwooder

      Mika Brzezinski is pretty much the archetypal Karen, isn’t she?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I so desperately want to see Mika cry as Durham indicts all her friends.

        This would make me happy.

      • Chipwooder

        It’s the simple pleasures that really count.

      • WTF

        The Platonic Ideal of a Karen.

    • bacon-magic

      MiKaren is still miffed about Joe’s intern.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Well since the courts have ruled that Trump can’t block people from following him because it is some sort of official govt communication, I think that would also mean Twitter can’t ban him or suspend his account.

      Fucking two way streets, how do they work?

      • Mad Scientist

        The two-way street analogy assumes intellectual honesty and dedication to some principle other than, “Gimme what I want.”

  4. leon

    “You just stay strong for me,” the hat told the hair. “You’ve got to stay strong!”

    I like seeing the sensitive side of the Hat.

  5. Sean

    *stands to applaud*

    Good stuff SF.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    it seems like something you’d do if you were doctor to a germaphobic President.

    BUT HIM NO WEAR MASK!!!

    • Gustave Lytton

      He’s the clean one. Everyone else is dirty.

  7. mikey

    When does SF reveal his inside source (dare I say Deep Throat?)?

    IF these aren’t reality, they should be.

    • leon

      we could get a Change.org petition started to make it so.

    • Bobarian LMD

      SF is the Hair.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    NYT headline:

    The Law of Supply and Demand Isn’t Fair

    Hard hitting journalism. Pulitzer-worthy.

    • robc

      link?

      • Rebel Scum

        That wouldn’t be fair.

    • commodious spittoon

      Gravity isn’t fair to people in wheelchairs, which isn’t surprising, it was invented by an old white man.

    • robc

      Decent article, nothing surprising. It expalins some behavior but fails to mention the laws against “gouging”. Which seems a big point to not cover.

    • leon

      Is there a follow up with: “Breaking: Life not fair”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      It is not that large retailers are intrinsically more ethical than the entrepreneurs; it is simply that they have different time horizons. The large companies are playing a long game, and by behaving “fairly” they are hoping to retain customer loyalty after the emergency. The entrepreneurs are just interested in a quick buck.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Posted too soon.

        HA! The primary motivation of the bigbox stores is to not get pilloried in the media.

        Much like all of the bullshit equity programs they implement and abhorrent advertisements featuring adolescent trannies, it’s all virtue-signalling to appease the mob.

      • Fourscore

        This just in! Walmart and other big stores devastating the environment with their low, low prices on paper products. Packaging in large, affordable quantities only encourages the use of toilet paper and paper towels.

        The CEOs should be held accountable

        /Greta

      • wdalasio

        My guess is that this is the trial balloon for the Times’ take on the devastation their preferred policy is causing. It’s a good thing that the shutdowns destroyed millions of small businesses, comrade! Don’t you understand that they were merely quick buck artists out to exploit the downtrodden?

      • R C Dean

        The large companies are playing a long game

        Just ignore the obsession with quarterly financials.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Paywalled. Oh well.

    • wdalasio

      Gov. J.B. Pritzker (D) on Friday filed an emergency rule that would penalize owners of restaurants, bars, gyms, barbershops and other businesses for reopening before coronavirus restrictions are lifted.
      In Illinois, a Class A misdemeanor charge can carry a fine of up to $2,500 and a maximum jail sentence of one year.

      What the hell is this other than rule by decree?

      • WTF

        Yeah, since when do arbitrary executive orders have the force of law? I would guess these will eventually get tossed, but the process is the punishment. Maybe the Institute for Justice could file a class-action against the governors and their aparatchiks for deprivation of civil rights, where they don’t have qualified immunity.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    link?

    Link on google news. Did not click.

    • Gender Traitor

      Wonderful! Finally have my hair appointment tomorrow. I may have to print this for my gal.

      • Mojeaux

        Mine told me I was just going to have to bite the bullet and go for blonde highlights if I didn’t want to look like a cadaver or dirty grey mouse with my white hair.

    • creech

      Speaking of hair stylists, a Karen’s letter in today’s paper warns about businesses wanting to re-open “too soon according to science facts” by threatening to sue if Grandma goes out only to ONE place and gets her hair done and comes down with the Covid. The warning is that heirs will sue the salon when she dies, because it is obvious where she caught it. Hey, Karen, keep Grandma at home if she’s that precious, but if she goes out it is on her own responsibility and don’t blame some hairdresser because Grandma couldn’t live without her blue hair dye when all she’s doing otherwise is sitting in the parlor knitting and watching “The View.”

      • LJW

        Unintended Consequence: people start to hide the fact they are sick for fear of a lawsuit.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Foreseeable consequences aren’t unintended.

      • leon

        too soon according to science facts

        Such Facts, Much Science, Many Intelligent, Smartest!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        These people need certainty. They’re delicate little snowflakes that require structure and a daddy to protect them.

  10. Scruffy Nerfherder

    I laughed too hard at all of it.

    • juris imprudent

      “You already have this one!”

      That was the best. Well, that and.

      “Tap water? You? Go ahead. I’d LOVE to see it,”

  11. Spudalicious

    Bravo.

  12. Gustave Lytton

    water stains on the ceiling

    Great. Another multi billion dollar renovation of the White House. Fuck you Truman, cut spending.

  13. Mojeaux

    For whoever knows what I’m talking about.

    I am making an ebook for someone. My client is arguing over the measurement between a picture and its caption. He will not rest until it is exactly right. Now, here’s the thing. I am now measuring this thing in hundredths of a percent.

    HTML/CSS I have tried:

    margin-top: -.1em;
    margin-top: -0.5em;
    margin-top: 0em;
    margin-top: 0.05em;
    margin-top: 0.1em;
    margin-top: 0.15em;
    margin-top: 0.2em;
    margin-top: 0.25em;

    on up to 0.5em;

    NONE OF THEM ARE TO HIS SATISFACTION.

    His question to me: Do you really not see the difference?

    And he’s only looking at it in one EPUB viewer.

    This is the last detail of this ebook and I hate to dump him over this because it’s a lot of money, but I’m below minimum wage on this thing now.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      So sorry your client is an Aspie.

      Either that or he’s creating a reason to not pay you.

      • Mojeaux

        I would not be surprised if he tried to get a discount out of me for his “trouble.”

      • EvilSheldon

        I hope that you’re charging him for all these change orders…

    • Fatty Bolger

      He obviously doesn’t understand how HTML works.

      • Mojeaux

        He doesn’t have to. He just needs to know how to open the EPUB, which is more than most of my clients know how to do.

      • Fatty Bolger

        No, I mean he doesn’t understand that HTML is not meant for that kind of precision. And every rendering engine is going to show it slightly differently.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, correct!

        Not only that, but that the reader can change his/her reading preferences and the app/device may or may not honor what I put anyway.

        I told him that and he SAID he understood, but he’s focusing on Calibre’s viewer only. I think he just wants to beat it into submission and thinks if I hold my mouth right it’ll render the same way on all apps and devices.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Next step will be when he tries to print it out and it doesn’t look like it does on his device or laptop or tablet.

        In a previous life, I ran a web site for a clothing wholesaler who sold blank t-shirts and other garments to screen printers and embroiderers.

        The screen printer would want to print some of the catalog pages out to show to customers, but because of his random printer that he had somehow adjusted custom margins on, it didn’t print on one page or looked bad so he’d complain. Then the client would complain to me. And I’d patiently tell them to go fuck themselves in very nice terms.

    • Mojeaux

      Oh, hallelujah and praise the Lord.

      He “settled” on 0.1em.

    • Gender Traitor

      Is he saying there’s too much space? Too little space? Is he somehow trying to land on some tiny increment between two of these?

      • Mojeaux

        Too much space.

        Yes, he’s arguing microns.

      • Gender Traitor

        Fun fact: Back in his sound mixing days, when TT had a client who would make some request along the lines of “Can you make it sound more purple?” (ad execs were good at asking for stuff like that,) he had a metal box on his console with a knob on the front and markings on the box around the circumference of said knob. This box was attached to exactly nothing, but TT would fiddle with the knob, then ask, “How’s that sound?” Invariably, the client would say, “Yeah! That’s good!”

        The box was labeled “Mojo filter.”

      • Mojeaux

        LOL!!!!

      • Lady Z

        Brilliant! Seriously, I’m going to find a way to steal this.

      • Fatty Bolger

        That is awesome.

      • mikey

        Needs 0 and 11 labels.

      • Tom Teriffic

        I may have cobbled this together before “11 ” was a thing. But I know that every little gradation on that dial was an individual bit of Letraset. And, after that bit of hair pulling, I’m certain I would have said “screwit” to the prospect of adding numerals. GT failed to mention that there is a set of jacks on the back. Part of the magic was making a show of plugging those jacks into something/anything on the patch bay before actually twirling the knob. It greatly intensified whatever effect the client was looking for.

      • Nephilium

        Things like that are half of IT troubleshooting. Finding something simple for them to do (reboot) which is a proxy for something else that they probably aren’t doing correctly (fully exiting/uninstalling something) which forces the item.

    • leon

      I don’t do Front End/ HTML/CSS stuff. But when i do, i want to blow my brains out.

      • Mojeaux

        On days like these, so do I.

        An ebook is just a webpage wrapped in metadata.

      • Incentives Matter

        If I want to “force” a certain presentation, I just graphicize the whole damn thing. Then everybody who knows better tells me my solution lacks elegance and transportability between platforms. That’s when I tell them that I do not care.

        Works for me.

      • Mojeaux

        That is usually my first line of attack but he didn’t like it.

        It comes out fuzzy when I use Photoshop and I’m not going to soend the time in Illustrator (my skillz are not mad) to vectorize the text.

        He has LOTS of text that would need to be vectorized.

        Anyway, yes. That is generally what I do.

    • Pope Jimbo

      In college I was a repairman for IBM.

      There was a receptionist for a dentist (or doctor) who was using one of our newest monitors with a fancy micro-channel video card that was constantly complaining about the colors on her monitor.

      In those days, most of the monitors were stupid simple. You tweaked the red potentiameter to adjust red, the blue pot for the blue, etc. In this new monitor the settings all bled into each other, so you had to sort of tweak them all over and over as you narrowed it down.

      Anyhow the receptionist had gone through two or three other repairmen. She’d start by telling you how she was an artist when she wasn’t a receptionist and colors were so very important to her. Then she’d nag and complain while the poor sap tried to get it right. She’d grudgingly say it was Ok after a while. But then after a week or so she’d call in another ticket saying the colors were off again.

      Anyhow, the other repairmen all swore they’d never go back and the next call was assigned to me. I had heard all the bitching and when she went into her act about how important colors were, I told her I was semi-colorblind and I’d need her help. I then just started tweaking until she told me to stop. We did that for about an hour and she was totes happy with the results. Never called back again.

      Half the time clients just want to drive. It doesn’t matter to them that the results are worse than if they’d just let the expert they hired do the job they were hired for.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    HA! The primary motivation of the bigbox stores is to not get pilloried in the media.

    Much like all of the bullshit equity programs they implement and abhorrent advertisements featuring adolescent trannies, it’s all virtue-signalling to appease the mob.

    Which is why we must destroy all small businesses, so we may be safely surrounded by homogeneous socially appropriate purveyors.

    Resistance is futile.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Welcome to the Taco Bell future, John Spartan.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    “face diapers”

    Nice.

  16. Rebel Scum

    Donald said, nude, on top of his desk, squatting, sweating, wild-eyed.

    Hawt.

  17. Chipwooder

    So, when is the H&H crossover with Rodham?

    • Mojeaux

      Shhhhhh. I KNEW someone would ask that and was praying it wouldn’t happen.

      • Chipwooder

        I’m sick of life and ready for the world to end, so…..on with the Apocalypse!

      • bacon-magic

        Chipwood yourself, don’t bring us into it.

    • juris imprudent

      I already suggested Hillary in an episode of Subaru Horror Theater.

      • Mojeaux

        Is she the one behind the curtain of chainsaws?

      • Incentives Matter

        I thought she was the one on a throne of chainsaws.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Among Symptomatic Patients

      • WTF

        Which is still not accurate, it should say among symptomatic patients who are sick enough to seek medical help. Most people just feel shitty for a while, recover and go on with their lives without ever seeing a doctor or getting tested.

      • Incentives Matter

        Makes me wanna submit a study that “finds” that COVID-19 is only one-thirtieth as deadly as the Black Death.

      • Bobarian LMD

        To be fair, it’s worse than that. EVERYONE who had the Black Death is dead now.

    • Lady Z

      That site is filled with cherry-picked and often pointless studies. Here are just a few that jumped out:

      Gun Owners Aren’t Any Happier Than Unarmed Citizens, Don’t Sleep Better At Night, Surveys Show
      Three In Four Americans Agree Universal Healthcare Is Needed During Coronavirus Pandemic
      Study: 6 Feet Social Distancing Guidelines Insufficient — Coronavirus Can Travel 18 Feet In 5 Seconds!
      The Average Couch Sees Thousands Of Kisses And Spills, But Many Are NEVER Cleaned, Survey Finds

      • Rhywun

        Science overload!

    • WTF

      So, 1.3% among those sick enough to seek medical help, which is totes significant because most of those infected do not experience severe enough symptoms to seek medical help and many more are asymptomatic, so let’s leave them out of our analysis.

      • R C Dean

        Its so stratified by age/comorbidities, it makes little sense to make a global statement.

        From what I have seen, if you are healthy, its less deadly than the flu. When you have one or more of the short list of comorbities, it is more deadly than the flu.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of face diaper ornamentation- Stalin would be good.

  19. mikey

    Too local but…
    County just had an election. Couple of county offices nobody cares about, but the big thing was the new school levy. Why a new levy? Why, the old one is paid off this year. Sorry – we need a new elementary school. Why do we need a new elementary school? We ddn’t maintain the old one. Usual “Vote Yes to Support The Children” campaign. Levy passed by two votes. Wife and I didn’t/don’t vote. We actually coulda changed the outcome.

    Fun part is that it was mail-in ballots only (plague central here dontcha know). The local FB is awash in “we never got any ballots”. This seems to apply to a whole settlement in the county. And “we got our ballot – the day before/after the deadline.”

    A county of 6k total population and it’s screwed up. Mandatory recount with the close result. We’ll see how it goes.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Study: COVID-19 Much Deadlier Than Flu; 1.3% Death Rate Among Symptomatic Patients

    If we play with the numbers we can make it sound more deadly!

    Everybody who died from it had it. 100% lethal!!!!!!!1!!!

    • Fatty Bolger

      So the initially reported mortality rates were wildly overblown. And we know from testing with controlled populations that a high percentage of people with it are asymptomatic, meaning the real mortality rate is much lower than 1.3%.

      • WTF

        By about an order of magnitude.

    • Suthenboy

      “This Would Be A Terrible Crisis To Waste” – Hillary Clinton

  21. banginglc1

    I’m starting to think getting a morning SF dose conditioned me some for this post. I truly feel I was not near as appalled as I should have been.

    • Lady Z

      Agreed. Compared with Hillar-erotica this was incredibly tame and non-vomit inducing.

  22. hoof_in_mouth

    Interesting dam failure here yesterday. Terrible situation, interesting collective action problem from a libertarian perspective. Cranky old guy privately owns a dam that that generates < $400,000 worth of power every year, not enough to keep it up with current or deferred maintenance from decades ago. 1,100 property owners on the lake that pay nothing to its upkeep and complain bitterly every time any maintenance is actually done because the water level is dropped. Decades of regulatory and court cases. He agrees to sell to a quasi-government entity that isn't funded yet but will have assessment power and people were up in arms about an annual $350 assessment that allows to to have a lakefront home. Now the dam breaks, who knows what happens or when it gets fixed and who pays. smh.

    • Rebel Scum

      Well, dam.

    • banginglc1

      Has anyone made a liability flow chart?

      • hoof_in_mouth

        I’m sure that’s the governors first priority, and that they are nowhere on it

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      LOL

      I was a lakefront property owner in one of those situations a few years back. It was a total shitshow.

      I sold my lakefront property just before it permanently became “lakeview” property.

      • Suthenboy

        A bit of a sore subject for me.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        You bought my house?

  23. DEG

    “That last set of us,” the hair whispered. “I think they were gay for each other.”

    “Oh, no,” the hat said. “One hundred percent gay for each other. But that timeline is gone. Gone, gone, gone.”

    The hat, cradling his friend, looked to heaven and saw only the water stains on the ceiling.

    Maybe not entirely gone.

    • bacon-magic

      We know who the bottom was…

      • Bobarian LMD

        You mean ‘is going to be’.

  24. mexican sharpshooter

    “There is no such thing as the future,” Donald said hollowly.

    Aint that the truth.

    • whiz

      How is a haircut article OT in a The Hat and the Hair post?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Its technically assault.

      • Ted S.

        Who cuts a toupee?

    • grrizzly

      It’s remarkable that the Babylon Bee is right about everything.

      • Rebel Scum

        They do more straight reporting than CNN at this point.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Masks are so passé. Only face shields will do for the serious pandemicist.

    • Florida Man

      I like the Bee, but don’t like that you have to pay to read comments. I’m fine not being able to comment, I just want to see the quality of the commentariat before I part with hard earned shekels.

      • bacon-magic

        Don’t want to get burned again, eh?

      • Florida Man

        You know it!

  25. Tundra

    SF is channeling Camus.

    Very nice!

    • Bobarian LMD

      Do I need to look that up on the urban dictionary?

      • Tundra

        Well, he was the one going on about cum gutters this morning…

      • Florida Man

        I think he means Albert Camus, the author.

      • Bobarian LMD

        UD — channelling: Finger banging your fat piece of ass with your tongue.

        Camus: An author whose sole purpose in life is to confuse and annoy people with hypocritical philosophy.

  26. Ed Wuncler

    “You’ve already had it, like, nine times, Donald,” the hat said. “Our future selves keep coming back and curing you!”

    “There is no such thing as the future,” Donald said hollowly.

    “That last set of us,” the hair whispered. “I think they were gay for each other.”

    LO-fucking L.

    And also the Governor of Illinois belongs in a woodchipper. The Pritzker family get to jet set around Florida and Wisconsin to avoid the draconian lock down laws but yet, he’s threatening business owners with a fine or jail time if they dare go against his order.

    P.S. I’m just kidding, he’s too fucking huge to fit into one even if I tried.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      *googles*

      Whoa… he is a big boy.

      • bacon-magic

        Illinoisan’s like me can’t wait for his orange jumpsuit in size CircusTent.

      • Viking1865

        That’s Big Pussy, Little Pussy is never actually seen on screen.

      • wdalasio

        You’re right. Pritzker still looks like a Big Pussy.

  27. wdalasio

    What an insufferable d**k the Governor of Pennsylvania is.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Wrong

      “My concern is just a general concern,” Wolf said Tuesday. “Anybody who puts himself or herself into harm’s way is something that I think we have to try to avoid. When you go to something like a barbershop and you’re not protected, I don’t care who you are, the chances of that virus actually wreaking havoc on your life increases.

      He’s a pussy.

      • Rhywun

        A plastic bubble in every pot.

      • Pope Jimbo

        What are the odds that Wolf has a personal hair groomer?

        “Why do people want to go to a barbershop anyhow? They should just get a personal hair stylist like me. It is awesome!”

      • mikey

        Just like the WoD. Do anything that might ruin your life and we’ll ruin it for you fer sure.

    • The Other Kevin

      I keep an eye on the Indiana numbers. As of today 42% of deaths were in nursing homes. What a fucking disgrace. Florida is getting shit for not locking down hard enough, but I just read an article at NR that they were the only state to focus on nursing homes, and that made a huge difference.

      People who go to the beach want to kill grandma, but people who force infected people back into grandma’s nursing home are A-OK.

      • Tundra

        I can’t stress how amazing this is. The Red Star has been ignoring this for weeks. It’s a genuine scandal, now.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Whoa there son. You notice that the article doesn’t really mention who exactly forced those sickos into the retirement home.

        Smart guys like you and me know it was Walz and his administration, but guys who get by on their looks instead of brains *cough* Leap *cough* Fourscore *cough* probably won’t make that association.

        The Strib finally had to admit that 80% of the deaths were in old folks homes, but they sure did their best to hide the why in that story.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Literally not once was Walz named in that story.

      • Tundra

        Read the comments. He hitched his wagon to the ‘experts’.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Never read the comments at the Strib. One of the few things I obey pretty much all the time. Life is too short.

      • Rhywun

        New York kept that percentage down by simply not reporting nursing home deaths. When they got caught, they put out demands for numbers that were impossible to fill (like, “You have two hours to tell us how many ‘vid deaths you had in the last six weeks.”).

    • Not an Economist

      If a tree falls in the forest and the main stream news media did not report about it, did it really happen?

      And conversely, if a tree doesn’t fall in the forest but the main stream news media reports it did, did it really happen?

  28. Rebel Scum

    Mayor De Blasio Lays Naval Minefield To Deter Swimmers

    As he spoke, a hapless swimmer accidentally triggered one of the mines and careened hundreds of feet into the air in hundreds of pieces.

    De Blasio has paired the minefield with “impenetrable defenses” on the city’s beaches, including pillboxes, hedgehogs, and heavy artillery covering every square inch of New York coastline.

    “This ‘Atlantic Wall’ will keep New Yorkers safe for years to come,” he said.

    • Pope Jimbo

      A better analogy would have been:

      Mayor De Blasio Says Decision to Force Renters to House Sewer Alligators in Bath Tubs Might Have Been Wrong Decision in Hindsight.

      “Look, we couldn’t leave the alligators down in the sewers, so we had to send them somewhere. Who would have thought that so many people would have been eaten by them after we forced them to put the displaced gators in their bathtubs? One thing for sure is that they were going to die anyway so let’s not get caught up in the blame game”

  29. Mad Scientist

    Once again, I would like to congratulate SugarFree on burning images into my brain that will require no fewer than 6 hours of therapy to come to terms with. If he’s not getting a kickback from Big Psychiatry I’ll eat The Hat.

    • bacon-magic

      The Hair would protect his bf savagely.

  30. leon

    Backstory: I never got into the Harry Potter books. I’ve seen the films, and thought they were rather entertaining. However, i am always very interested in lore of various world-building that authors do. So lately i’ve been learning about some of the lore in the “Harry Potter Universe”.

    And i find it very intriguing that the lore and world of Harry Potter is so loved by the progressive left, when from pretty much any aspect you look at it the Wizards and witches are…. almost apartheid like culture. I’m not even talking about the way the treat the “Non-magical” regular people. You could make an “X-men” like argument that they have to live in secret out of fear. Its the way they treat other magical beings. I’m not trying to rag on Rowling or her world building. The real world is not fair or just, and so it is good writing. I just find that her fans overlooking it to be interesting.

    • Bobarian LMD

      It’s OK to other Muggles, because they’re the white men in the HPU.

      The differences between magical beings is equivalent to TERF v. Tranny.

      • Mojeaux

        The differences between magical beings is equivalent to TERF v. Tranny.

        That’s pretty succinct.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Yes, there’s a pretty strong anti-government, anti-establishment sentiment throughout the books.

    • Ted S.

      How quickly will the next level of judges take that appeal?

      • Nephilium

        The state doesn’t know if they will appeal yet, as gyms were able to re-open on Tuesday regardless.

    • Tundra

      Sweet!

      DOMS incoming!