The Handy Man’s Dance

by | Jun 12, 2020 | LifeSkills | 225 comments

We’ve all had those days where things never seem to go right, where one minor inconvenience leads to another problem which leads to another problem, you know what I mean. I think of myself as a pretty fair handy man, someone who isn’t scared to tackle almost any problem around the house. After all, I built this house and a couple of garages myself, what’s doing a little repair, right?

It all started a few nights ago, I was getting ready for bed, had my night cap on and just ready to meet my old friend, Blissful Sleep. Then I heard a soft voice, calling from the master bathroom. As some of you know, Mrs F is quite small but not timid. It sounded like Gunnery Sergeant Ermey, “GET IN HERE AND CLEAN THE TOP OF THE MIRROR!”

What? I jumped out of bed, adrenaline rushing, knowing that this was an emergency. I went into the bathroom, Mrs F handed me a wipe, I scoffed and pointed out that a real man would use Windex and a paper towel. Anyway, I wasn’t going to be Mr Tough Guy when it was my bedtime so I started to clean the top of the mirror.

WHOA! Houston, we’ve got a problem. The mirror has decided to move, several inches, down. What the hell? I looked the situation over, bewildered. How and why did it do that? It is held in place with 4 of those little plastic clips on the sides and top and the bottom of the mirror rests on ceramic tile but yet it had slipped out of place. I showed the missus the problem and she remembered that a day earlier she had heard a CLUNK while she was in bed. Now, as I looked more carefully I saw the mirror had been stopped by two outlet plates (covers), one on each side, which had kept it from falling all the way off.

I carefully slid the mirror (30” X 48”) up and put it back on the tile, seemed to be OK, tightened up the plastic retainer clips. Then I noticed that the bottom of the mirror bowed out a little in the middle and didn’t really sit on the tile as it originally had and I could see that it could slip down. Ah, if I put one of those little clips in the middle on the bottom that will solve the problem. Maybe I even have some in my collectibles downstairs, but alas, none to be found.

I explained to Mrs F that I’ll go to the hardware store in Podundville early the next morning and get the clips and solve the problem of the collapsing mirror. I did go and got the part I needed, now all I had to do was drill a hole in the ceramic tile, install the clip and my day would be complete and I’d be the local hero of the house. I found my ceramic drill bits, even had the correct size.

Ceramic bits are different than wood or metal drill bits but operate the same way, put one in the ol’ Black and Decker and drill to your heart’s content, except…

the smooth hard finish of ceramic makes it tough to start the drilling part.

One needs a tiny little dimple in the tile to get the bit started. Luckily I knew that and got a center punch and a hammer. Now I’m working very close to the mirror so I have to be careful.

Wham! Oh-oh. I screwed up, a tiny crack in the bottom of the mirror. OK, I’ll take the mirror off and use some Gorilla tape and that will stop the crack. I need Mrs F though to hold the mirror up while I loosen up the clips. Done and I start to take the mirror off the wall when CRASH!, about 1/4th of the mirror splits off and somehow or another rolls into the bathtub and explodes. I’m left holding 75% of the mirror. I carefully carry it downstairs and outside and set it on the patio.

The good news was that the part that fell in the bathtub was contained there with no debris on the floor (we’re in our stocking feet) so the clean up was easy. Now I look at the empty space where a mirror used to be and see something curious. When I had originally put the mirror in, 28 years earlier, I had used some sort of mastic to glue the bottom of the mirror in place and that had dried out and allowed for the mirror to slide down.

I finished my hole drilling and got the little clip in but I’m short a mirror. It has to be the same size to cover the opening in the tile. I go online to Amazon, Holy Shit! That size mirror is about $250 for the cheapie, $325 for the next one. Damn, mirrors have really had an inflation, I couldn’t remember anything like that 28 years earlier.

Finally went online to Menard’s, a Midwest sort of Home Depot, and found one same size for $40 with a 10% rebate. That was the one I had originally installed. I ordered it and am going to wear the required mandatory mask and pick it up today. It’s a 30 mile one way trip, but we can shop at Walmart as well.

What had started out as routine repair escalated into one thing after another. It was a Roseanna Roseanna Dana moment. This isn’t the first time. I am lucky that Mrs F just rolls her eyes and quickly forgets ’cause she knows there will be a next time.

Now I have to carefully install it after I get it and I can only hope that this one will last another 28 years. I’m way too busy to waste time doing these Handy Man things. Fishing season is here, gardens don’t grow by themselves. Then the mirror will look like this one.

Oh, yeah, the cutting attachment belt broke on my lawn mower the same day, it’s on order but I can’t install that myself. Before you buy a John Deere take a look at the other lawn equipment, too.

I picked up the new mirror today, tomorrow I’ll carefully try to install it without breaking it. Found some glue at Walmart that I’ll use plus the plastic retainers.

About The Author

Fourscore

Fourscore

225 Comments

    • Donation Not Taxation

      Did not include anything relevant to the article. Not a true first.

    • Ted S.

      I’d cat-butt you.

  1. Donation Not Taxation

    Breaking the mirror means seven years of President Joe Biden.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      aw shit…

    • Tulip

      nooo

    • robc

      and 1 year of President Kamala?

      • Viking1865

        Reverse the numbers on that. The bullshit that the Dems ran in 2008, that McCain was decrepit and old and worthless and you were voting to put Caribou Barbie in the Oval Office before 2010 is absolutely true for 2020.

      • robc

        I was going with the premise that DNT set up.

      • Suthenboy

        It doesnt matter who the party chooses as VP, if Joe wins he wont live a week. I am almost tempted to feel bad for the guy.

      • Not Adahn

        Na, he’ll live just long enough that the VP can run for two full terms after she takes over.

    • DOOMco

      Uh oh

    • Gustave Lytton

      Yeah, but 4×20 gets another 7 years tacked on. It’s like the political Dorian Gray via mirror magic.

  2. UnCivilServant

    I don’t trust those little plastic clips.

    • Incentives Matter

      Metal mirror clips or GTFO.

      • UnCivilServant

        Are you kidding? Full frame.

  3. mexican sharpshooter

    Nice work. Last time I removed a mirror I discovered it covered an oddly plumb hole in the wall. Now I have a place to hide drugs.

    • BakedPenguin

      Also, incriminating documents – like the Bill of Rights – which mark you as a fascist.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I almost wish that book were thicker, so I could hide a gun within it on my bookshelf.

      • Jarflax

        Hide it in Das Kapital. That is the one they won’t take when they raid your house.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Better Thomas Piketty’s socialist screed “Capital In The 21st Century”. The size of it allows for more storage.

  4. Suthenboy

    Wooden frame screwed directly into studs.

    Let me stand behind you with my hands in my pockets and tell you how to do that.

  5. commodious spittoon

    Replace those godawful tacky light fixtures while you’re at it.

  6. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    As much as I don’t like being a renter right now, I am perversely enjoying the fact that I don’t have to fix anything.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m basking in the sense of accomplishment from sourting out the AC condensate issue I was having. Making a call to the maintenance guy doesn’t have the same effect.

    • Raven Nation

      Yeah, there are times I miss calling the leasing office and having the maintenance guy there within a couple of hours.

    • Rebel Scum

      Bulb split from the base while I was changing the stove lights last week. I still haven’t gotten a pair or two of pliers out to get the old base out. I should probably do that this evening…

      • Don Escaped any Landslide

        ever use dielectric grease?

        tolerances and finish on LCC materials make fit worse every day, it seems

      • Mad Scientist

        Cut a potato in half. Push half a potato against the broken bulb base. Twist.

      • Mojeaux

        ^^^winner winner chicken dinner^^^

      • UnCivilServant

        But I don’t have any potatos.

        I do have pliers.

      • Incentives Matter

        Other root veg also work.

      • UnCivilServant

        Why would I go out of my way to waste food when I have pliers (and no broken bulbs)

      • Bobarian LMD

        If you leave the power on, you can eat your tool when you’re done.

      • Jarflax

        Because every so often the metal of the base has become brittle and you end up ripping off a strip with the pliers. The potato actually works better than pliers.

      • UnCivilServant

        At that point, replace the light fixture to correct the fault. Your bulbs should not do that.

      • Incentives Matter

        Yep. Works on the same principle as a filter wrench (for car oil filters or camera lenses, same idea). Lots of bearing area to apply torque without putting too much force on any one point.

      • Jarflax

        *Looks at potato
        *Looks at 40 year old ceiling fan with oddly oversized base

        Nope, I’ll use the potato

      • UnCivilServant

        Now I have to force you to replace the fixture on principle.

        Wait there while I boot up some killer robots.

  7. robc

    In case anyone gives a damn, Dr Doogie gave me the all clear at my surgical followup yesterday.

    • Fourscore

      Good to hear, Rob

      • robc

        Thanks, it was pretty easy recovery. Mild pain for about 5 days, never even took a oxycodone.

      • robc

        In case anyone is wondering, they were lost in a boating accident.

      • Drake

        The oxy? You making fish happy?

    • Incentives Matter

      WOO-HOO!

      (Also, impressed that you went without your meds during the recovery process.)

      • robc

        The fact that it ended up unilateral and not bilateral made a big difference. I think I would have hit the oxy the first night if it had been both sides.

    • DEG

      Good to hear.

  8. Fourscore

    The new mirror went up precisely as hoped and expected. Another 28 years is all I need. And those special order light fixtures stay. The new owner, when the time comes, will really, really like them. Big selling point.

    • commodious spittoon

      My family had those before the renovation. Tbh I can’t recall what the new fixtures look like, so they’re at least memorable.

  9. Toxteth O’Grady

    Cute tile!

  10. DEG

    Done and I start to take the mirror off the wall when CRASH!, about 1/4th of the mirror splits off and somehow or another rolls into the bathtub and explodes. I’m left holding 75% of the mirror.

    Something similar happened to a coworker of mine while he was fixing a bathroom mirror. Except for him, the part the split off and fell sliced open his arm. He improvised a bandage and drove himself to the hospital. I don’t remember how many stitches he needed.

    Hopefully the mirror installation goes well. I’m a little leery of having a mirror without having clips on the bottom edge.

  11. ChipsnSalsa

    gardens don’t grow by themselves

    Oddly true, you would think that plants would just grow, but they don’t, they need plenty of coaxing and attention. The wife has been super awesome in doing lots of weeding this spring garden is looking great expect for the onions the squirrels decided to obliterate.

    • Rebel Scum

      garden is looking great

      The Wicked Garden?

      • Chipwooder

        They play wicked games in that wicked garden?

      • Not Adahn

        Tell me Chris Isaac didn’t “script” that video himself. And demand multiple takes.

      • Chipwooder

        Heh, wouldn’t doubt it.

        “OK, look fellas, I’m a perfectionist – we have got to do that scene where the naked supermodel wraps herself around me over and over again until I feel it’s finally done properly!”

    • Fourscore

      I had a problem with a pocket gopher, the kind that make mounds. Many years ago, when I was 1/2 onescore I learned how to trap those pesky things but in the soft garden dirt its a little tougher. Anyway, I found some new mounds yesterday, set my trap and last night heard some scratching. Opened up the cover and sure enough, I scored again. I usually catch 3-4 a year, when the little ones get tossed out of the house and have to find their own home.

      • R C Dean

        I had a terrible mole problem in WI, and the usual remedies didn’t seem to be working.

        Then one day I saw the dirt moving over one of their runways. I grabbed the .45, waited for the dirt to move again, and administered Great Justice.

        No mo mole problem.

      • R C Dean

        Pretty much exactly like that, except I only shot once. As is my wont.

        Also, I don’t think Mrs. Dean was home at the time.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Safehouse is great. I imagine the majority of people here would identify with Patrick Stewart’s character.

      • kinnath

        You want the RODENATOR!

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Okay, that almost looks cruel.

        Almost.

      • Not Adahn

        Pet mink

      • UnCivilServant

        Fille the tunnels with a flammable mixture and ignite? Mini fuel-air blasts

      • kinnath

        That’s it.

        Kills the rodents, collapses the tunnels so no other rodent can move in.

      • Jarflax

        Do you have to use a little French girl? Or is that optional?

      • Fourscore

        Needs more Jesus intervetion

      • ChipsnSalsa

        That’s the only thing that will make that garden produce anything edible.

  12. Pope Jimbo

    Your wife will “forget”? How did you manage that?

    My wife has enough memory capacity devoted to my failings and shortcomings that it would put Google to shame.

    • Incentives Matter

      It’s all about managing those terabytes. The spousal unit’s got several thousand dedicated to remembering any fact or occurrence that has any possibility of discomfiting me.

    • Mojeaux

      My wife has enough memory capacity devoted to my failings and shortcomings that it would put Google to shame.

      I will confess that I do this too. I don’t know why. I try not to.

  13. Pope Jimbo

    Sorry for your serial problems Fourscore. I’ve had days like that. Ones where everything you touch breaks or goes bad. Then you have to spend the entire day walking around with a wet spot in your pants after you piss because you are afraid to touch your dick to shake the dew off.

    • Fourscore

      That’s why I don’t fix my own car, I can’t afford it.

    • Incentives Matter

      Every renovation I’ve ever done has been most accurately described as One Damn Thing After Another.

  14. Chipwooder

    Welcome to Stasi USA!

    • Rhywun

      Yawn.

    • BakedPenguin

      Wow.

      How about a trade. All of Antifa in the Autonomous Zone for the Hong Kong Protest(e)rs.

      That sounds like a really good deal. Seattle is asshole.

      • Jarflax

        The Hong Kong Protesters can come by cruise ship, they are underutilized lately, the BLM protesters can’t eb expected to crowd onto ships. They should be sent by Hypersonic Ballistic Transports. Who wants a turn on the giant slingshot?

    • The Other Kevin

      My kids would fail. I don’t do Snapchat and they wouldn’t be caught dead on Facebook.

  15. Not Adahn

    When I was having this house built, they recommended I do my own mirrors for reasons that I can’t quite remember now, but probably were cost-related. I ordered most of them from Home Depot’s contractor supply… four times, becasue the first three times they managed to break them during delivery.

    But they went up nice and easy like those when the finally did arrive.

    • Ted S.

      Even Jim Blandings didn’t have that problem as far as I recall.

  16. BakedPenguin

    Fourscore (and three!) – glad to hear you have your mirror back in ship-shape.

    robc – glad to hear you’re no longer dealing with health issues. Since you’re almost the same age as me, I get to pretend that I have no health issues, either.

    • R C Dean

      I am dumbfounded by the quasi-religious mass hysteria that seems to have captured so many people.

      • Not Adahn

        Eh, the US seems to go through religious revivals every so often. I wonder if Cotton Mather was as much of an asshole as his modern counterparts.

      • Mojeaux

        It’s a fucking tent revival, is what.

      • Jarflax

        With a tent revival you just hide the still and the hookers across the county line until people get over it and they usually don’t burn the town down or shit in the streets. And when the wacky religious nuts go off to form their perfect society they go to some sparsely inhabited place and either die out leaving cool crafts you can sell to yuppies looking for twee stuff to decorate their condo, or they build Utah. With this set of cults you get Red Guards and mass starvation. I like the old style better.

    • Rhywun

      That should set off some delightful infighting.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Is there a chance they can create a number of identities to the point where people just accept each other as individuals? It might be nice.

      • Not Adahn

        Nope. They will reconsolidate as necessary. See also: POC.

      • CatchTheCarp

        Done. See BIPOC…..

    • Suthenboy

      “Black transgender women are disproportionately affected by that violence. ”

      I am curious…who is perpetrating that violence?

      • Mojeaux

        Men when they find out that hot chick is packing a little something extra at an inpropitious moment.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m fairly sure that never happens.

        Actual hot-chick passing ones can be picky about who they take to bed and get guys who know wht they’re getting.

      • Suthenboy

        Not tranny on tranny?

      • Bobarian LMD

        There does happen to be an inordiate amount of that.

        Who knew that mixing two crazy people doesn’t cancel one another out?

      • UnCivilServant

        Crazy + Crazy = Doublepluscraycray

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Or is it Crazy^2 ? I’m not sure if you need crazy units to match to do the math correctly.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Crazy squared.

      • UnCivilServant

        Non, it’s sqrt(Crazy^3)

      • R C Dean

        Black transgender women

        I wonder how many there are?

        I realize “zero” is an acceptable answer, but even taking their meaning for “women”, there can’t really be that many.

      • Jarflax

        Fewer than there are people protesting for them.

    • The Other Kevin

      We are all in one big Monty Python skit now.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Albatross!

    • Not Adahn

      I hope that whoever does the art for the Bee is proud of the work they do.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Was just thinking that.

    • Rebel Scum

      “Karl is a great role model for your kids: he hates fascism and shows it by destroying things.”

      Unfortunately for Spin Master and Nickelodeon, progressives aren’t big on forgiveness so they burnt down all their studios anyway.

      Nice.

  17. Not Adahn

    Answer for Bobarian: I had disassembled the slide before checking to make sure the G-type conversion kit actually had the main spring that makes it work. So it went into a box on the shelf while waiting for a replacement kit. Not immediately completing the conversion is my fault for being neglectful and lazy.

    • Bobarian LMD

      OK, that sounds like the kind of job that is real easy… the 2nd or 3rd time you do it, but involves swearing so loud that the dog hides from you when you do it the first time.

  18. westernsloper

    You are lucky it wasn’t a plumbing problem. Those for me at least, always entail at least four trips to the hardware store. Brunch of eggs over sausage gravy over hash browns is eaten. If you need me I will be in a gravy coma poolside.

    • R C Dean

      I hope its real.

      “I declare anything within my 25 yard sight line as my autonomous zone. Violate my autonomy within my zone, and I reserve the right to administer Revolutionary Justice, you know, the traditional way. From the barrel of my .45.”

      • Drake

        That is why my next purchase will be 6.5 Creedmoor. My autonomous zone is 1,000 yards in every direction.

      • R C Dean

        I’m thinking more of an urban environment.

      • Jarflax

        Fuck line of sight. Everyone needs home defense mortars.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        If it’s going to be like that, then a claymore perimeter seems the way to go.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Front towards asshole.

      • Jarflax

        Confusing advice here on Glibs.

    • R C Dean

      Up with there with the literal dumpster fire that they called the Fire Department to put out.

      Disclaimer: there are denials that this was actually in CHAZ.

    • Rebel Scum

      You are Uninvited

      • Mojeaux

        Knew it before I clicked. ❤

    • Not Adahn

      To be fair, everyone needs to watch Paul Harrel videos.

      • Gustave Lytton

        ^^^^^

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      I’m not following? IIIa isn’t rated to stop 5.56.

      Why didn’t he test Level lll+ plates that are actually rated for 5.56?

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        Sorry, I realize you can’t answer that latter question. My llla vest is concealable, and I wouldn’t wear it anywhere I was expecting trouble. Still waiting for my his and her Level lll+ carrier packages that should stand up to multiple 5.56 and 7.62 rounds.

        It’s kind of like the old response when someone asks, “Why do you feel the need to carry a handgun? Are you expecting trouble?”

        My answer, stolen from somewhere, is always, “No of course not, if I was expecting trouble then I would bring my rifle”.

      • kinnath

        Harrel was responding to a question of whether or not a kid’s book bag would stop bullets.

        I do not know why did not test armor with plates.

      • R C Dean

        Because the book bag didn’t have plates, would be my guess, and he wanted to show it wouldn’t protect from the feared “assault rifle” school shooting that it was presumably bought for.

        He was showing that the book bag is security theater, IOW.

      • UnCivilServant

        If you stack the bag’s main compartment with additional plates, how much stopping power would you be able to build up?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It might be easier to just get yourself a 1/2 in steel hamster ball to roll around in.

      • Jarflax

        You’ll build a strong kid with a bad back and knees.

      • Florida Man

        The 10 pound version stops everything below 30-06/308 AP. If you stack 2-3 plates I bet you could stop standard BMG.

  19. Fourscore

    I fully expect that some person from the 6th floor of the Library Depository across the street from the Chaz ‘might’ attempt (successfully) to take out one of the guard posts. Will there be attempts to rescue that person? Almost looks like Sniper Heaven, no police, etc.

    Reminds me, I need to spruce up my deer stands

  20. UnCivilServant

    I miss being able to do productive work…

    I just spent the past two hours in a teleconference about a single document no one will ever read.

    • UnCivilServant

      Oh, and there’s about to be another hour about… the same bloody document.

      *No one being a descriptor of the number of people not involved in writing said document who will read it, or the number of people who are involved in writing it who will read it after it has been declared complete.

    • Fourscore

      …and you’re not even in the Army…

    • Mojeaux

      Well, I’m very proud of myself for hiring someone to do something I couldn’t (without hours of self-training, that is), which is pathetic. No, I do not get to feel accomplished today.

    • Nephilium

      I had someone send a meeting invite 20 minutes before they wanted the meeting to start, invite 7 people, and say it was because it wasn’t getting handled in e-mail. They just ordered headsets yesterday, and don’t know when they’re going to be delivered yet. Yeah… it could have been handled in e-mail.

      • UnCivilServant

        It could have been, but was there an attempt to handle it in email?

      • Nephilium

        A thread was started after hours last night. The meeting was scheduled at 10:00 today.

        So… not really.

  21. Timeloose

    I have the same mirror and attachment method fourscore. I had to cut 2″ off of it after I installed a new vanity. I’m a Materials Scientist but cutting glass still feels like magic.

    Seem like it’s the week of home improvement.

    I flushed my home toilet on Tuesday and it sounded weird when filling the tank. I removed the lid and the fill water was flowing very quickly. I turned the multi turn shut off and found it did nothing to slow the flow. I also found that the fluidmaster would not close and the float seemed stuck. I forced the float up and the flow stopped just shy of the tank getting close to overflowing, even with the overflow working properly.

    I tried to tighten the multi turn valve body with a set of channel locks but it did nothing. The o-ring in the valve must have disintegrated and lodged itself in the fluidmaster. So I can’t use the toilet until fix this, and I have guests coming this weekend.

    I considered the fact that I would either have to cut the valve off and replace it, put a new valve down strem from the old one, or see if I could repair the old valve. Option1 seemed like a last resort as it is a real PITA, option 2 seemed like shitty workmanship and a recipe for future leaks, option 3 is worth a try. I was able to identify the brand of valve as a Brass Craft (I said brass). They make repair kits for these valves as they were really common. No hardware store but Home Depot had any, so I got two and went about with option 3, always buy a spare.

    The repair took 2 minutes and worked like a charm. I then flushed out the Fluidmaster and found the busted o-ring.

    5 bucks instead of a potentially costly repair.

    • Bobarian LMD

      After having this basically happen with all my toilets, because hard fucking water, I replaced my valves with quarter turn jobs, pretty easy to do and work a lot better.

      • Timeloose

        I agree, but this valve lasted over 20 year with out any replacement by the look of it. I will replace them with ball valves once I renovate the bathroom. I would be going sharkbite and pex by then.

      • Incentives Matter

        Yeah, same here.

    • BakedPenguin

      The o-ring in the valve must have disintegrated and lodged itself in the fluidmaster.

      Same thing that happened to The Challenger.

      Okay, sorry for that.

      • Suthenboy

        I was just thinking ‘Wow, that is one hell. of a euphemism’.
        Reading your reply I have to say, so is that.

  22. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Just got back from the gun store. Wow.

    Barely any guns left, barely any ammo left. 75% of customers are first time buyers according to employees.

    I’ve got a Ruger LCR 38 I’m not accurate with at all. I’m going to consign it tomorrow and put the money towards a special order Beretta PX4 Storm Compact.

    • blackjack

      Revolvers are way more accurate with 3″ or better barrels. My snubbies would fly like crazy past about 3 yards.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        So I’ve noticed. I’ve got a Ruger Single Six that I’m pretty good with, but that snubnose is almost impossible for me to shoot well with.

      • Suthenboy

        Correction: Shooters are way more accurate with 3″ or better barrels.

      • blackjack

        Yes, I’ll accept that. I am way less accurate with a snubnose.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Did you get the carry version of the compact?

    • Incentives Matter

      Just went yesterday (for the first time) to one of our local independent guns ‘n ammo shops. Found all the ammo I was looking for, to my surprise. And a great selection of shotties! The handgun selection (both used and new) was also decent, but purchasing/transporting handguns in Canada is a Royal PITA, so I’m not in the market.

      Looks like I’ll be dropping some significant coin there in the next little while. Perhaps I’ll do some boating after that.

  23. Semi-Spartan Dad

    Thanks for the article Fourscore. Seems like that’s how it always goes. I have a chronic problem of not being able to find the right sized drill bit or socket. I also buy Phillips drill bits in bulk from Harbor Freight and still can’t find ever find one.

  24. Mad Scientist

    I have an amusing “nothing seems to go right” story. When I lived in Arizona I had a house with lawn sprinklers in the front yard, but none in the back. I decided to install some, and had the utility company come out and mark the yard. Then I went to Home Depot and rented a trenching machine. The utility folks marked everything except the phone line, so I trenched right through that. Millennials may not realize this, but back in the 90s cell phones were fairly uncommon. Cutting through the phone line to your house meant you had no phone at all. Ah well, I’ll fix that when I’m done trenching the yard. Finally done trenching, I needed to maneuver the machine back to the front yard between a tree and the anti-siphon valve for the front sprinklers. It was a tight fit, and although I made it in OK, coming out I ran over the valve. And broke it off. On the supply side. So now there’s a small geyser in the front yard. Fuck. I grabbed a pair of pliers and went to turn the main off to the house, and then the handle on the main broke off. So now we have a geyser, no way to shut it off, and no way to call the water department. Eventually my roommate rousted a neighbor who called the water department for us. But since it was Sunday, it took him a while to get through to the emergency crew. They showed up about 45 minutes later and turned the water off to the whole street. Happy neighbors!

    In the end, the main was repaired, the neighbors got their water back, I fixed my broken anti-siphon valve, fixed the phone line, and installed my sprinklers. So, happy ending?

    • Ozymandias

      This is great. I have a similar story, except gas line. The neighbors were nice about it. Base housing, too, so I cut off the gas to some senior officer’s houses. Whoopsie… sir!

  25. Grosspatzer

    Great story; at least it all turned out OK in the end. I think I may have tried to “fix” something in Casa Patzer. Once. Taught me the answer to the eternal question, “How hard can it be to…”, so now I gladly pay the local handyman for repairs.

    • Incentives Matter

      Despite the One Damn Thing After Another™ aspect of home DIY, doing most of it myself has worked out to be financially very advantageous for the spousal unit and I. That’s the part of DIY I really appreciate.

      Not to mention that in a typical day, I never accomplish anything of note, so a DIY job that finally works is actually satisfying, though the steps to get there are often quite aggravating.

      • Grosspatzer

        Oh yeah, but I now limit my DIY activities to the garden, i’m actually pretty good at growing stuff. I avoid anything involving other tools. After I nearly chopped off a finger attempting to slice potatoes one Super Bowl Sunday, the spousal unit will not permit me to access any sharp objects in the kitchen, for instance. Until the other day… Hmm.

      • Bobarian LMD

        The first time doing something always involves more miles on the car than actual work on the project.

        Youtube is your friend, though. Almost anything can now be found with (usually) the best way to do it

    • The Other Kevin

      See, they really are going after peaceful protesters just like I read about on Facebook.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      FFS, wear a mask dumbass. Any looters not wearing masks double deserve to get caught.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Everybody was doing it dad!

    • Gender Traitor

      But he was just going after white sugar supremacists!

      • Mojeaux

        That reminds me. I need an old-fashioned donut. Just one. Two would give me diabeeeeeedus.

    • Grosspatzer

      No local cops? I guess they didn’t take any donuts.

  26. Sean

    Noted senior citizen murderer throws a tantrum.

    Two days after Asbury Park revealed it would violate Gov. Phil Murphy’s coronavirus lockdown orders and allow restaurants to offer indoor dining starting Monday, Murphy announced Friday the state was suing the Jersey Shore’s premier dining destination to stop that from happening.

    • commodious spittoon

      Rope, lamppost.

    • Grosspatzer

      I’m sure that champion of the downtrodden Springsteen will hold a concert to raise funds for the locals’ defense fund.

  27. Plisade

    Help Wanted: Anyone here have experience with the Bahai faith? A girl I’m dating just revealed that she’s a follower.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I thought that was an older version of Unitarianism.

      • Plisade

        That’s what I thought, but apparently not. I’m mostly wondering if they’re heavily into recruiting or if they’re chill about it.

    • Timeloose

      Are they the ones who worship the cow or eat the cow?

      • Plisade

        She’s a carnivore.

    • grrizzly

      Never heard anything bad about it. I tried to visit their shrine and garden in Haifa but the gardens were closed because of the rain.

    • Incentives Matter

      The most achingly beautiful brunette I’ve ever met, back in my Uni days, was of the Baha’i faith. I’m not sure how serious she was about it. For one thing, she tended to bang YHSes (Young Hot Studs) at the drop of a hat.

      No, she never slept with me, since I did not belong to that category of male.

      • Plisade

        So they’re horny… Good to know 😉

      • Incentives Matter

        Well, perhaps horny for a certain category of male. If you’re not in that category, you might as well be an incel for all it matters to them. ;-)

    • commodious spittoon

      Is she Persian? A close friend is Baha’i, although it’s been years since I attended any of the ceremonies. I read some of the teachings of Baháʼu’lláh, but I didn’t really sink my teeth into it.

      Mostly I just dug the Persian chicks.

      • commodious spittoon

        Oh, and I never got with any, so my advice is shit.

      • Plisade

        Nope. 1/4 Latina and bilingual, but with fair skin, blues eyes, strawberry blonde.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        She’s bi. Nice

        Is she into S&M too (Spaniards and Mexicans)?

    • Caput Lupinum

      They’re… interesting. Had a cow-orker that practiced. Downsides, no premarital sex and no alcohol. Upsides, practitioners are forbidden to engage in partisan politics and gossip. They are kind of the ultimate “why can’t we all just get along” religion, and desire to unite all people as one. They want one world government without nations, one world religion (they have specific type of syncretism where they interpret all religions as partially valid), one world auxiliary language, etc.

      • Plisade

        That is interesting, thanks. I’d say that via unrelated (so I supposed at the time) convos that all you say appears to inform her perspectives. She does steer clear of political talk, thankfully. No alcohol. But the premarital ship has sailed.

      • Caput Lupinum

        But the premarital ship has sailed.

        Well, pobody is nerfect. I don’t remember much about the religion, I only knew one guy who practiced, but it seemed pretty chill over all. I do remember him waxing theological about networking issues that he was working on. Fun conversations to listen to at 3am.

      • Florida Man

        But, no drunk sex…hard pass.

    • Nephilium

      Very little. Friend of a friend was a follower. About the only things I remember about it was that they believe each of the Abrahamic faith’s prophets were building on the earlier ones, with the prophet of Bahai being the last. One of the biggest sins in it was talking about someone behind their back, because you’re injuring yourself, the person you’re talking about, and the person your talking to.

      That’s it.

      • Plisade

        Doesn’t sound too bad.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They obviously don’t use Twitter then.

    • Plisade

      Thanks for the help, ya’ll.

  28. Ayn Random Variation

    I recently ordered an easy chair that came in 2 pieces. All O had to do was slide the back piece into the chair piece. But it wouldn’t slide in because one of the metal things with the slot was put in upside down. I figured I was screwed, but remembered that I had a shoebox full of screwdrivers and odd tool like stuff.
    So i unscrewed the metal thing, turned it around, screwed it back in, and “assembled” the chair.
    I was so proud of myself.

    • Ted S.

      So it wasn’t very easy?

  29. Certified Public Asshat

    Lady Antebellum is now “Lady A” — but so is a black blues singer who’s performed music under the name for 20 years. “For them to not even reach out is pure privilege,” says the woman with the original moniker https://t.co/yl0FCVVE0B — Rolling Stone (@RollingStone) June 12, 2020

    Hahahahahaha.

    • Gender Traitor

      Well, I guess they’re just going to have to change the band’s name to Lady Antifa.

      • Incentives Matter

        Go Canadian!: Lady “Eh”

        Go Fonzie!: Lady “Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

        There’s so many options available to them.

      • Mad Scientist

        They could change it to A-Style.

      • blackjack

        They should change their name to: “Totes not racist and totally down with whatever cray shit the commies want us to be into this week” It has a nice modern ring to it.

    • The Other Kevin

      “Lady” is problematic too. Maybe they should try “Xe A”.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Lady Appeasement

  30. grrizzly

    Premier League supports players’ wish to have ‘Black Lives Matter’ on their shirts and to ‘take a knee’ in matches

    Premier League players from all 20 clubs have made the following statement:

    “We, the Players, stand together with the singular objective of eradicating racial prejudice wherever it exists, to bring about a global society of inclusion, respect, and equal opportunities for All, regardless of their colour or creed. This symbol is a sign of unity from all Players, all Staff, all Clubs, all Match Officials and the Premier League #blacklivesmatter #playerstogether.”

    The Premier League stands alongside players, clubs, The FA, EFL, PFA, LMA, PGMOL and all those who oppose discrimination in any form.

    The League supports the players’ wish to have their names replaced by “Black Lives Matter” on the back of their shirts for the first 12 matches of the restarted 2019/20 season.

    • Florida Man

      Can they put Pro-Life slogans on their jerseys? I mean, considering we are supposed to be tolerant of other people and all.

    • straffinrun

      the singular objective of eradicating racial prejudice wherever it exists

      You know who else had a singular objective?

      • Ted S.

        Ansel Adams?

    • Ted S.

      What about those players who don’t wish it?

      • grrizzly

        Only racists wouldn’t want to do this.

  31. straffinrun

    Lucky the wife didn’t figure out that was a two mirror and swipe all your camera equipment.

  32. Plinker762

    At first glance I read the title as “The Handyman’s Dante” and wondered which level of hell you reached.

    • db

      Somewhere between the guy who spends his time helping pretty, rich widows hang curtains in the bedroom, and the guy at Roto-Rooter who has been stuck with all the plugged sewer line jobs for the last 15 years?

  33. straffinrun

    Anybody else watch Chappelle’s 8:46? Just watched it and curious about people’s reactions.