“First 100 Days! Woo!” the hair said in the pre-morning dark of the White House storage vault.
The hat didn’t respond.
“First 100 Days! Woo!” the hair screamed, “C’mon!”
“First 100 Days,” the hat replied quietly.
The hair turned on the television that they had bullied Reince into installing. The opening tones of The Today Show filled the vault. The hat groaned.
“Oh. Em. Gee,” the hair squealed, “Look at what Savannah is wearing! It’s not only baby-shit tan, it makes her boobs look like gargoyle nutsacks.”
“Yeah, it’s terrible,” the hat agreed.
“And there’s Willie Geist with his big ole melonhead,” the hair noted, “I mean look at it. It’s like an old pumpkin.”
“Yeah, it’s terrible,” the hat muttered.
The hair sighed loudly.
“Maybe you should see someone,” the hair said quietly.
“I’M FINE!” the hat yelled.
The hair gathered himself into a tight ball and swore to himself that he wasn’t going to start crying again.
The bolts holding the vault door shot open and it swung open.
“The Germans hissed at her,” Donald said, “they fucking hissed at her.”
“Who, Donald?” the hair asked.
“Ivanka,” he said. “They hissed at her. How could they hiss at a piece of primo trim like Ivanka? Have you seen the body on that girl? Three Jew kids and she’s still hot as fucking hell in a bikini.”
“No, yeah. That’s bad, Donald,” the hair said. “Why don’t you go ahead and put me on. We got a lot to do today.”
“No, seriously,” Donald said, “let me get my phone. I got some breastfeeding shots that are just tremendous. Her tits look even better than they did when she was a teenager, I swear.”
“That’s OK, Donald, really,” the hair said. “We should really focus on North Korea today.”
“North Korea, yeah, North Korea. We should bomb them again.”
“That was Syria, Donald,” the hat muttered.
“Oh, he speaks, does he?” Donald asked sarcastically, “It’s about time you got back in the game. I’ve been having to send my own tweets all the time. I got president shit to do. Like dinners and shit.”
“OK, Donald,” the hat said.
“‘OK, Dahnald,’” Donald said, mocking in his best retard voice. He lifted up the hair and jammed it onto his head.
“Hey, careful with the goods, dammit,” the hair said.
Donald muttered under his breath.
“What was that?” the hat asked a small spark of his old fire flaring.
“Nothing,” Donald said sullenly, “I want McDonald’s for breakfast. I want the Big Breakfast.” Donald stroke his belly fat like a beloved pet.
“OK, whatever you want,” the hair said as it settled on his head.
“And two McGriddles. I want a Big Breakfast and two McGirddles. A sausage and cheese and egg McGriddle and a bacon and cheese and egg McGriddle.”
“Yes, of course,” the hair said. “Get your hat and we’ll go get you all that. 4000mg of sodium is a perfect way for a 70-year-old to start his day.”
“I don’t want to take the hat,” Donald grumbled.
“Take the hat or no breakfast, Donald,” the hair warned.
“I don’t want to go,” the hat said.
“It doesn’t matter what you want,” the hair said, “We have a fucking country to run. Donald! Hat! Now!”
Donald picked up his once-beloved MAGA hat and stuffed him into his suit pocket. He shuffled away from the vault thinking only of breakfast.
*sheds a single manly tear for the Hat*
We must all have a moment of silence for the Hat.
*ruined*
I was beginning to think you’d abandoned us, SF.
I feel bad for the hat. 🙁
Same.
‘Gargoyle’s nutsack’ has now officially entered my lexicon. Thank you.
McGirddle is absolutely the worst item on the McDonald’s breakfast menu.
It is impossible for Savannah’s boobs to look like a gargoyle’s nutsack! I’m gonna go mope now….
Putting cheese on a McGriddle is quite possibly the most horrific thing you have ever written.
And I remember the party Donald and the Hat had with the dead hookers.
Just googled the McBreakfast items…..
I’m glad I don’t eat at McDonald’s anymore. Pretty sure none of that’s real.
I seem to remember a few years ago that a few of their breakfast items were the realest things on the menu…I think the Egg McMuffin was one of them.
I worked there 25 years ago and breakfast was definitely real then. Actual eggs, not powdered. Actual sausage and ham, cooked on a griddle. Pancakes made the same way you’d make them at home, just on a larger scale. English muffins run through a salamander.
What’s fake about the food?
You got me. Seems real enough. But I know a lot of folks fall into the mentality of “if I can’t pronounce what goes into it, it’s obviously cancerous chemicals,” which I’m not even going to start on because it enrages me.
Poor Hat. Fuck Deep State, man.
The worst part? It’s just a hat. It can’t drink.
We can’t be sure about the drinking. But PTSD, when real, is a hell of thing to get over. I hope MAGA PRIME can get some help.
That poor fella who shot the AK47 can tell you all about it.
*AR-15
If he had shot an AK or a shotgun he probably would have died of a brain aneurysm on the spot.
My brother’s in the Army, and he loves to tell this story of when he was giving a door-breaching class, and one of the privates who he was teaching held his shotgun right in front of his face, pulled the trigger, and knocked his two front teeth out and shattered his nose.
I imagine that guy shooting a shotgun would go something like that.
Ah, the return of sugarfree. The world has become both darker and more terrible for it. I guess the eldritch abomination that he keeps in the basement finally started putting out again?
This fuckin’ guy.
Did I find SF’s Twatter handle?
What in Hell was that?
A description of hell. The SJWs and AntiFA thugs have won and nothing anyone did a damned thing in thwarting it.
It’s that Bill Nye video made into your life with everyone singing an Arabic re-imagining of Kumbaya. It’s about freedom, comrade. Freedom at last to worship the state as the commies intended.
I tweet not since the sad death of the STEVE SMITH twitter feed.
STEVE SMITH TOO BUSY FOR TWITTER. EVER SINCE HIKER ESCAPED WHEN STEVE SMITH STOPPED TO TWEET PIC OF RAPE, STEVE SMITH LEERY OF SOCIAL MEDIA.
Does a McBreakfast really have that much sodium? and… is that bad? it sounds bad.
Do you take your nutritional advice from the government? If so, it’s like worse than cancer.
Taubes on salt. Yeah, yeah, I’m a fanboy
Hm. I guess even Taubes can occasionally be right.
Not a fan of his LCHF stuff?
I’m not a fan of his food animism stuff. Foods are not inherently good or bad. They are nutrient dense or calorie dense–and there’s room for both in any varied diet. Seems like his work doesn’t really allow for that. And you can have my poptart-icecream sandwiches when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.
I average about 90 grams of fat per day every week… so I’m definitely not against a high fat diet at all! I love my high fat diet. So. Much.
Granted. And I’d be a liar if I said I follow the low-carb nostrums religiously. Taubes has been shifting his focus recently to sugar (his latest book takes it on directly), which may indicate that carbs aren’t central to the problem, but our blase attitude toward sugar. It still redounds to the endocrinological impact of carbohydrates, which is fundamentally different from protein and fats: if our sugary diet is gradually increasing insulin resistance, in turn causing diabetes and weight gain, carbs becomes more problematic over time. Type 2 diabetics are going to be much more sensitive to carbohydrates than you, but tack on decades of average sugar consumption and you might find you’re now in their shoes. And that’s what’s criminal, in my mind, about the nutrition science industry for the past half-century, its obsession with fats and how little attention has been paid to the rapid escalation of sugar consumption. That’s the main value of Taubes’ work, having collated all this data neglected in the post-Ancel Keyes era of nutrition science obsessed with fats and cholesterol.
Anyway, take everything I say with a grain of salt. I’m not in the industry and I can only dredge up the bare bones schema of Taubes’ work, which is extensive. I’d recommend at least giving his Google talk a whirl to get the more complete picture.
When it comes to nutritional science, I’m much more in Lyle McDonald’s camp. “There’s a place for everything in a varied and diverse diet.”
My concern with Taubes’s take on sugar is that it’s just going to be the new fat–much maligned, poorly understood, etc. Sugar, itself, will not make you fat. Consuming too much and not moving enough is what makes you fat. I guess I don’t have a real dog in this fight, and he could certainly have some excellent points re insulin resistance and all that, which is not personally relevant to me at this time so I’ve done very little research on those points.
I definitely agree with you about how backwards the nutrition science industry has been, historically. It drives me nuts that it’s less about doing research and more about which lobbies will spend the most to be the biggest slice of the food pyramid.
Depends on who you talk to.
“They” came out yesterday and said something along the lines of reduced sodium diets (less than 200mg/day) *might* not help reduce high blood pressure. Sodium is sort of essential, so radically low sodium diets are, in fact, actually bad for you. As someone who meticulously tracks her food, I can tell you that my weekly average is about 4000-5000 mg/day, and my blood work is beautiful. … I’m also young, so… take that with a grain of salt.
*narrows gaze*
I’ve got low blood pressure. Should i eat 2 mcbreakfasts?
I’m not a medical professional… but! … Here’s a prescription for one bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from McDonalds every morning.
I’m also writing you a custom script for what I like to call the McDouble Down. Order two McChickens and one McDouble (bacon “optional”). Throw all the buns away, and replace the buns on the McDouble with the McChicken patties. Also optional: ranch. Enjoy.
So. Many. McWords.
Also I feel fatter for having read that, and for having eaten a whole pizza last night.
Hahahah!
It’s actually less fatty than you might think: 550 calories, 35 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1,390 mg of sodium, 125 mg cholesterol, 23 grams of carbs, 36 grams of protein.
Also 10% of your DV of calcium and 15% iron… Just sayin’!
I’ve gained 15 pounds since getting my new desk job (I’ve graduated from Vhyrus to Amoeba).
McSurf-N-Turf:
– one McDouble
– one Filet-O-Fish
Assemble as is obvious.
Nice!
For breakfast sodium, McDonald’s aint got shit on BK!
Although Hardee’s is the best overall fast food breakfast. They’re the only ones with a proper biscuit.
Seconded.
Chick fil a chicken biscuits aren’t too bad.
One “Big Breakfast” has 1500mg. The McGriddles each have just under 1300mg
BK supreme breakfast sandwich — 2170 mg
The last time I ate at Red Robin, the waiter was moving like molasses in February (in a region that experiences winters) and all I had to do was slip through the nutrition information booklet. I seem to recall the shakes getting close to your RDA or sodium and everything else was a massive blow out.
“The last time I ate at Red Robin…”
I bet you haven’t made that mistake again.
That and Islands. Last time I ate at Islands was because a manager at the local one was hitting on me, so he’d invite me to hang out and feed me on his breaks. The food is tasty enough, but I always feel vaguely gross after eating there.
(Mr. Riven and I eat at Red Robin weekly…)
I am so, so sorry. Where I live there is a red robin right next to an in n out. I am genuinely not sure how the RR is still in business.
I don’t think I’ve ever even seen an In n Out. We only just got a Five Guys.
Red Robin’s onion rings are the fucking bomb, though; and they’re consistently awesome like that.
In n Out is I think just CA, NV, AZ and maybe UT and NM. There was a cruel April Fool’s joke a few years ago about it coming to NYC. The pranksters put a quality effort in.
I am still a little sad no one told me my joke about “In n Out’s new 25th Anniversary “Reginald-Denny Burger” was offensive. It was just a setup for “Too soon?” anyway.
None in NM, because that backwater shithole couldn’t attract a Texas fly to a pile of shit across the border. Companies literally skip NM and go straight to Texas.
We have them here in AZ, though, and life is good.
So…this was not really an In n Out, in New Orleans?
Yeah, I got that from the McDonald’s website.
Trump’s proposed breakfast is 1600 calories, 99 grams of saturated fat and 3900 mg of sodium, all without a drink or a SuperSized McGravy Shooter on the side.
The calorie count was actually a little lower than I was expecting.
BTW; great episode. Glad it has made a return
We have a fucking country to run.
You misspelled “RUIN”.
*sits back smugly*
Who couldn’t see this coming. RAs and tour guides threatened to strike, trash talk Scripps College unless
demands are metextortion money paid.Shocker: Scripps caved.
Couldn’t happen to a more deserving bunch of schmucks.
These fancy liberal arts colleges are essentially just teaching mob-rule tactics now. Over the last few years I’ve noticed that has effected some changes in the real world. For example, in my city, local government meetings (School Board, City Council, etc) are often driven by “activists” who show up and literally just stand up and start yelling, ignoring any calls to order. Whatever council or board is holding the meeting always caves, because these activists have learned that numbers + loudness + ignoring civility will always cause opponents to cave and they’ll always get their way.
Whatever happened to the good old days of “If you don’t quiet down, we throw you out of the hall?”
You always hope for that Reagan moment where the provost (or whatever) tells them unequivocally: If you’re unwilling to do your jobs, we have plenty of other applicants willing to take them from you.
And of course you’re always disappointed.
Duke students tried the same shit themselves. They occupied an admin building demanding the school ‘spend more’ on both janitors (employees of color) and the Victim-Studies departments, so that they would have more people to protest with in the future.
Sounds like UNC-CH back when I was there 20 years ago….through today.
Other students working in the admissions office threatened to wreak havoc during special tours for newly admitted students who are trying to decide whether to enroll. Essentially, the tour guides threatened to trash-talk their own college.
Who says kids today learn no useful skills?
Just to be clear…the hat was traumatized from being kidnapped by the Deep State?
Wait, now I’m getting interested in the plot?
There’s a plot to all of this? *looks around feebly*
That and probably the fact that Donald has abandoned him now that he’s president.
Maybe they should sell episode guides in the supermarkets like with other soap operas.
‘Deep State’… is that what Trump’s pants pocket is called now?
Has anyone read the SPLC’s new recent freakout about the Alt-Right’s militant wing? (the “SS” of the Alt-R)
holy shit its delish. Its like a double-mcbreakfast with a speedball and a glass of mad dog 20/20
People in the media still quote the SPLC and take them seriously. Think about that.
The second degree is a “cereal beat-in” during which the new member is punched and beaten by current members until the plebe can rattle off the names of five cereals (you know, Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, Cheerios!)
…Did they lift that directly from Gavin McInnis’s Tucker Carlson interview? Because he describes exactly that scenario as a frat boy game he’d play with roommates.
adhering to the masturbation regimen
Is it considered a workout, now?
Maybe I’m in better shape than I thought?
*opera applause*
Another victory for the meme wars psy ops department.
I agree = i have been dismissive of the idea of the alt-righties shitposting efforts producing much in the way of practical results, but taking the SPLC for a ride… is priceless.
I don’t hate the SPLC as much as i do the journos who pretend they’re *NOT* a retarded propaganda outlet.
Yep. Holy shit, they are stupid. I suppose they’ll never admit that they got trolled, will they?
The fact that they published this is a testament to thier willfully blind misunderstanding, they are getting trolled so hard and all I can do is sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh.
“gargoyle nutsacks”
Great band name
Brilliant as always, Sug. Thanks for continuing this.
Poor MAGA Prime.
Clarifed butter, aka “ghee” in Indian cooking, is liquid at room temperature. You basically boil the water out and skim the random other stuff off the top leaving yummy pure butterfat.
One of my exes lived with a pair of brothers. One was a weed grower/dealer and the other was a chef. They had one of those costco-sized cheese puff containers of offensively bright, just on the green side of chartreuse colored ghee in the fridge at all times. Their edibles did not taste like edibles at all.
Weed dealer and chef. I am seeing the capitalist opportunity of a lifetime.
There are radio ads here where they very excitedly try to sell you a class/scam about How to Become Super Rich Quick now that Weed is Legal in Cali. yep, that didn’t take long, lol
When does the hat reveal that it is POPPY?