The Hat and The Hair: Episode 165

by | Aug 19, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 188 comments

 

“Yeah, Post Office, take it. Uh, yeah, take it. Tell me how big it is, yeah,” the hat growled, hunched over the postal worker hat, rocking back and forth and grunting. The hat let out a strangled cry, high-pitched, strained, and fell over sideways onto the Oval Office desk, panting, coughing, one eye-shot through with rivulets of blood.

“Are you done raping that hat?” the hair asked, perched on the distant peak of Donald’s head.

“I’m not raping it,” the hat said between deep breaths, “It’s just a hat.”

“You’re just a hat,” the hair said.

“Fuck you,” the hat said, righting himself. “I am the hat, the King of Hats, the GOD OF HATS!” He started coughing again and spat a button over the edge of the desk. “That,” he said, waving his adjustment strap dismissively, “Is just a hat.”

“Yes, truly, your Majesty,” the hair said dryly.

“Stop fighting!” Donald said. “I can barely hear myself think!”

“We are what you think, Donald,” the hair said.

“I’m just fucking the Post Office like you asked,” the hat said, pouting.

“The Post Office,” Donald said, clenching his face like a fist.

“I hate the Post Office,” the hat said.

“Unions, they are all in the bag for the, the, the other guy,” Donald said.

“Joe Biden,” the hair supplied.

“Sleepy, Gropey, Addled, Drowsy, Handsey, Sniffy, and Humpey Joe,” Donald said.

“I think those are the Seven Dwarves, Donald,” the hat said.

“They said some bad things about you at the Democratic Convention,” the hair said.

“Democratic Zoom Meeting,” the hat muttered.

“What? Who? Who said bad things about me?” Donald picked up his iPhone and poked at the screen until the Twitter app opened.

“Well, Bernie Sanders…”

“Bernie Sanders,” Donald said, sneering. “Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Sleepy Bernie Sanders.”

“OK,” the hat said, “Those are definitely the Seven Dwarves.”

“And Michelle Obama said some really nasty things,” the hair said.

An alarm began to whoop, whoop, whoop at ear-splitting volume, and red lights started to pulse from the corners of the room. A speaker crackled and screeched with feedback. “LOCKDOWN. THE WHITE HOUSE IS ON LOCKDOWN. SHELTER IN PLACE. SHELTER IN PLACE.”

Secret Service agents burst into the Oval Office. The lead tackled Donald from his office chair and starfished over his body. The rest formed a tight circle around Donald, guns drawn, facing outward. The alarm continued to blare.

“IT’S ANTIFA!” the hat screamed, “THE SOYBOIS ARE HERE!”

“MR. PRESIDENT!” the agent on top of him screamed, “THERE IS A WOOKIE INCURSION! STAY DOWN!”

“I just said her name!’ the hair screamed.

“I just said her name!” Donald screamed.

“Get off me, you idiot!” the hat screamed. He was being ground into the carpet by the agent’s knee.

“CLEAR! CLEAR! CLEAR!” an agent yelled into his wrist, and the alarm began to wind down. They helped Donald into his chair, put the hair back on his head and the hat back on his desk.

“Out! All of you out!’ Donald said. The red lights went dark and the agents filed out.

“I just said her name,” the hair said defensively.

“Over six hundred Americans die every year in Wookie maulings,” the hat said. “We can’t be too careful.”

Donald pushed himself out of his chair, straightened his tie, and tucked his shirt back into his underwear. “You ever see a Wookie climb a tree?” he asked, poking his fingers into the hair.

“Wookies kill more people every year than wizards and lichs combined,” the hat said, shaking himself back and forth slowly.

“OK, back to the DNC Convention…” the hair began.

“No, the Post Office first,” Donald said.

“Yes, the Post Office,” the hat agreed. “You ever been mailed anywhere? It’s horrible. It’s worse than flying coach. It’s worse than going somewhere by train.”

“Yes, the Post Office,” Donald said again. He picked up the USPS hat and turned it menacingly over and over in his hands. “Oh, God!” he said after a few seconds, “Why is this wet?”

The hat shook with laughter.

“Donald?” the hair asked, “Do you know The Parable of The Scorpion and The Frog?”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

188 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    “You ever been mailed anywhere? It’s horrible. It’s worse than flying coach. It’s worse than going somewhere by train.”

    Not appealing.

  2. leon

    “IT’S ANTIFA!” the hat screamed, “THE SOYBOIS ARE HERE!”

    Plenty to choose from, but this made me guffaw.

  3. DEG

    “Yes, the Post Office,” the hat agreed. “You ever been mailed anywhere? It’s horrible. It’s worse than flying coach. It’s worse than going somewhere by train.”

    Worse? I don’t know about that. You don’t have to deal with the TSA when you go through the USPS.

    • CPRM

      Says someone who has never been mailed. (that means gay stuff, right?)

  4. CPRM

    This one almost reads like one of my scripts! Huzzah! (except animating all those Secret Service Agents is way more work than I want to do).

    Honey Harvest at Forescore’s, Sep. 20th; be there or be a douche!

    • UnCivilServant

      I have work on the 21st. Agitate some bees on my behalf.

      • CPRM

        You saw how one of his drones followed you here just to attack me. I have a score to settle!

    • Not Adahn

      I was planning on going, but I will unfortunately not have enough vacation to cover Caesar Andy’s quarantine.

      4×20 will just have to remain healthy for another year.

    • KibbledKristen

      I’m kicking myself for missing it this year, given my bee-obsession….hopefully next year.

      I want to discuss beekeeping like I discuss aviation. I love all the technical details and esoterica. Langstroth? Flow Hive? Long Lang? Layens? Queen excluders? Medium or deep (euphemism alert!!!!)? IFL all that stuff.

      • Fourscore

        The plan is to keep living until I don’t. Secret is in the honey, although now the secret is out.

        We need all available Glibs here on the 20th of Sep. UCS has to agitate/aggravate via the ‘net, which he is good at doing. Even at that he is still my friend, shows you how desperate I really am.

        KK, some good videos by the bee folks on the ‘net.

      • KibbledKristen

        I watch a lot of beekeeping Youtubers. My favorite for educational purposes is Frederick Dunn. I just love his stuff.

      • KibbledKristen

        (it’s not that I don’t know what those things are, it’s that I want to talk about them with people in the know. Like, I want to shoot the breeze about the merits of Acorns triple-waxed frames vs. empty frames.)

      • Fourscore

        Well, you won’t learn any of that from the bunglers that I know, including me.

        Try for next year, always the 3rd Sunday in Sep. The best part is meeting the Glibs, they have faces, some have personalities.

  5. Not Adahn

    “They said some bad things about you at the Democratic Convention,” the hair said.

    Oh yeah, pretend you’re the grownup in the room, you little keratinous shit-stirrer.

  6. Chipwooder

    No surprise that the Hat is the panicky one.

  7. Mad Scientist

    “I just said her name!’ the hair screamed.

    “I just said her name!” Donald screamed.

    I love this so much!

  8. juris imprudent

    “We are what you think, Donald,” the hair said.

    This is what would make TH&TH so popular elsewhere – just as surely as the Wookie bit would see this whole site shut down and SugarFree a desperate fugitive.

  9. UnCivilServant

    I have great beef soup, the potatos are properly cooked, everything else is edible… but the broth is too watery for a stew. Should I just go with the corn starch?

    • CPRM

      I prefer flour, corn starch clumps on me too easily.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have better luck with corn starch.

        Anyway, I’ve dished up my first bowl and it is delicious. Just a bit of salt to round it out.

        And it looks pretty with purple potatos, orange carrots, yellow corn, grean beans… wait, where’s the celery? I forgot the celery! It’s just sitting on the counter uncut.

      • CPRM

        You suck at stewing! Burn!

      • Tres Cool

        if you have some instant potatoes, like those 10/$10 that my Kroger sells, they make a great thickening agent

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m afraid I only have corn starch and flour.

      • Mojeaux

        You have to thoroughly dissolve it in water first for a sludge and drizzle it in while stirring vigorously.

      • UnCivilServant

        I took some of the broth from the stew pot, let that cool and used that to make the slurry. I know I probably wouldn’t have diluted the flavors with just the water, but it was right there.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, excellent idea! I was thinking about my foray into Chinese cooking.

    • juris imprudent

      You could also add beef bouillion.

    • Count Potato

      Did you flour the beef before you browned it?

      • Count Potato

        Well, there you go.

      • UnCivilServant

        You just confirmed that it should not be floured at all.

        Thanks.

    • Brochettaward

      Michelle Obama is the proud patriot who said she wasn’t proud of her country until they elected her husband, right?

      • Count Potato

        Yes, and she is also not into politics speaking at a political convention.

    • Rebel Scum

      If emoting dishonesty all over the place constitutes as “shade”…

      best political minds

      Yeah she’s a regular John Locke. Fucking christ…

    • Brochettaward

      Log Cabin has always bothered me as a name for gay Republicans. Like, maybe tone down the gayness a bit.

      • Count Potato

        No, that Mike Pence’s job.

      • Rhywun

        lol

      • invisible finger

        Well now that Aunt Jemima is gone…

    • kbolino

      Biden will repeat whatever the activist wing tells him to say, and the media will continue to pretend Trump is anti-gay.

  10. Cancelled

    My thickening for beef stew is smashed (or lightly blended) sweet peas. They create a really flavorful rich broth.

    • Cancelled

      Lol, IBrooksed it. Meant for UCS

      • UnCivilServant

        I left my sweet peas intact, so they kept their starches inside.

  11. blighted_non_millenial

    KK, I was late to the Flight Sim discussion in the last thread. Everyone pretty much covered my points. Stevo1kinevo and Flightchops, among others have videos on some pretty epic FS setups, Flightchops specifically on how he used it to help with his IFR rating, including a live person ATC subscription.

    • KibbledKristen

      Thanks blighted!!

  12. Ownbestenemy

    KK the pilot should trust their instruments first IMO. Aviate, Navigate, Communicate in that order.

    If their TCAS is going off and giving RAs, they should listen to that and not ATC at that point. Once they are in a place to communicate then follow ATC

    AT operates on routine. TCAS RAs going off requires immediate action.

    If its a TCAS TA (traffic advisory) follow ATC instructions.

    • KibbledKristen

      THat’s my thinking as well. It’s obvious from the Uberlingen crash, also, that the ATC didn’t have situational awareness, while the TCAS did.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    Wait, wut?

    The concentration of market power in a handful of companies lies behind several disturbing trends in the U.S. economy, like the deepening of inequality and financial instability, two Federal Reserve Board economists say in a new paper.

    Isabel Cairo and Jae Sim identify a decline in competition, with large firms controlling more of their markets, as a common cause in a series of important shifts over the last four decades.

    Those include a fall in labor share, or the chunk of output that goes to workers, even as corporate profits increased; and a surge in wealth and income inequality, as the net worth of the top 5% of households almost tripled between 1983 and 2016. This fueled financial risks and higher leverage, the economists say, as poorer households borrowed to make ends meet while richer ones shoveled their wealth into bonds — feeding the demand for debt instruments.

    Not shown: Fed balance sheet.

    I’m not sure I can take this seriously, after stubbing my toe on that.

    • Mad Scientist

      I can’t take seriously anyone who brings up income inequality that frequently.

    • invisible finger

      I’m 100% sure I don’t take it seriously, other than putting “Craig Torres” on my List Of Shit-For-Brains Journalists.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Matt Stoller, the author of “Goliath: The 100-Year War Between Monopoly Power and Democracy,” said both parties are culpable for the concentration of market power. Change is afoot because lawmakers realize they’ve ceded too much authority to large companies, he said.

    “What you are seeing in the last five years is a shift where lawmakers think democratic institutions should be making more of the decisions,” Stoller said.

    The authors of the Fed paper say policies that redistribute wealth to poorer Americans can be “strong macroprudential tools in preventing financial crises.”

    Over the past three decades, for example, gradually raising the tax on dividend income from zero to 30% “might have been effective in preventing almost 50% of buildup in income inequality, credit growth and the increase in the endogenous probability of financial crisis.”

    Oh, for crying out loud.

    • Rhywun

      policies that redistribute wealth to poorer Americans

      Goodness, why hasn’t anyone thought of that before?

    • Mad Scientist

      I love how their exact policies create the conditions they complain about, and their only solution is more of the same.

      • juris imprudent

        Lucy and the football.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yep. Huge companies exist in large part due to government rules and regulations. They hollow out the mid-range, forcing companies to either grow quickly, merge, or die.

    • RBS

      macroprudential

      Is that even a real word?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It sure sounds smaht.

    • Chipwooder

      Matt Stoller said….

      Yeah, I’ve seen enough. I’m out.

    • mrfamous

      Rocky: That trick never works!
      Bullwinkle: This time for sure!

    • creech

      “lawmakers think democratic institutions should be making more of the decisions,”
      What’s more democratic than allowing customers to decide to buy or not buy from these businesses? Oh, I get it…the customers aren’t buying the goods that Top. Men. think they should be buying.

    • invisible finger

      Another one of those “Gee whiz, everything would be fixed if only we had more of the status quo” articles.

    • kbolino

      They want to have it both ways.

      Easy credit and crappy savings rates leads to increased stratification, as the primary mechanism for wealth creation among the middle class is cast aside in favor of cash-in-hand today with little concern given to the future debt burden.

      Consumption is overemphasized at the expense of other economic metrics in order to appease the very same economists, whose primary goal has been to maintain high employment. But the lack of incentive to save results in the economic prosperity from employment being short lived, as people are encouraged to live paycheck-to-paycheck when they have a job and then be left with little when they don’t have a job.

      This consumption- and debt-centric economic model also increases tax revenues, not just of income taxes but of property and consumption taxes as well. Despite various economists’ and politicians’ claims that the government is not getting enough money, the numbers say otherwise. At the state and federal level, inflation-adjusted tax revenue per capita is at the highest it’s ever been in peacetime.

      And therein lies the rub. The economy they’ve built leads to greater stratification of the economic actors but also greater revenue and power for the government, allegedly to rectify the very inequality it’s creating. Taking the actions that would lead to greater equality (first of opportunity, and then to some extent of outcome) would also lead to less tax revenue and thus less government power. They want power not equality.

      • kbolino

        Many people, including many economists who should know better, seem to think redistribution of income or wealth is good for its own sake. It does not matter if it leads to lasting improvements in other metrics, it is an end unto itself. As Thomas Sowell notes (and says better than I could), they believe income distribution is a literal handing out of income from some to others and a statistical abstraction based upon observation. So when some get more than others, it must be an intentional unfairness, and so not only can the government intervene, it should intervene, to provide a more equitable outcome. That a more equitable outcome without redistribution is unlikely, and in fact to their minds impossible, because only the government is interested in fairness. All other “distributors” of income have malintent.

      • kbolino

        and NOT a statistical abstraction*

      • mrfamous

        haha money printer go brrrrrr

      • Ozymandias

        This quote is so infuriating and yet simultaneous so trenchant and true that I crack up rather than cry. You just have to laugh. A huge percentage of the population believes this, including among our so called “literati” and wonk-economic academics.
        QE is simply the most lipstick anyone has ever put on a pig to get it in the door of the dance.
        It’s fucking unreal.

  15. Sean

    Gun Glibs:

    Overpriced range ammo – 9mm.

    Still cheaper than anything listed on Ammoseek right now.

    *I’ve never purchased from this seller before.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      There’s a guy on the Highway south of here, who sell 9mm ammo out of the back of his truck, no limit,
      Talk about the Wild West…….

      • Sean

        Capitalism!

    • Not Adahn

      My ammo order from Mile High looks like it’s going to have to be cancelled. My LGSs aren’t doing ammo transfrrs for “insurance reasons,” and MHS won’t deliver directly to NYers.

      Time to beg some reloaders to sell to me.

      • Sean

        “insurance reasons,”

        Da fuq?

    • leon

      Geeze. I felt bad about buying a 100 rds in March for $330. Now i feel like a clairvoyant.

      • leon

        1000*

    • KibbledKristen

      Cheaper Than Dirt looks like it’s almost out of 9mm. I ordered & received 200 rounds a couple weeks ago because they limited me to 4 boxes. Now it looks like the limit is 2 boxes.

      I’m kind of afraid to go to the range now…I wonder how much they’re charging for their cheapest ammo there.

    • kinnath

      This is the third time I have posted this link:

      https://www.federalpremium.com/handgun/american-eagle/

      Check every day. Availability comes and goes daily.

      $19 per 50 ==> $380 per case plus sales tax.

      Of course, you need to wait three weeks to get it.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    I love how their exact policies create the conditions they complain about, and their only solution is more of the same.

    “We’re just not hitting it hard enough!”

    • juris imprudent

      “Stop resisting!!!”

  17. Pine_Tree

    Goodyear’s still got the stoopid cranked up in their social media posting today. Aside from “upmost”, and that most of the text is malarky, their main point, even in bold text says “…the visual in question was not created or distributed by Goodyear corporate, nor was it part of a diversity training class.”

    So in keeping with the general BS of the whole statement, they’re not saying where it DID come from. And the careful specificity tells a lot:
    – It’s not from “corporate” – probably meaning that it did come from leadership somewhere in Goodyear, just perhaps from a particular site or division.
    – It’s not “part of a diversity training class” – probably meaning that it was part of some kind of class/guidance/review, just not that particular kind.

    They’re trying to “ackshually” it away instead of speaking clearly about how it really was created and issued, and then saying the right thing. Doing that right the first time was their one chance at corporate redemption, and they blew it.

    • Sean

      Meh. I’ve never been a Goodyear fan anyway.

      • banginglc1

        +0.043

    • Gustave Lytton

      Of course they did. The wokesters are probably running their PR department just like their HR dept.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Wut?

    • Mad Scientist

      Goodyear makes the only small trailer tires that last more that a couple thousand miles. I’m still going to buy them no matter what bullshit they spout.

      • Brochettaward

        *boycotts Mad Scientist posts*

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      the part that cracks me up is where they say that they don’t allow activism in the workplace, except for leftist activism.

      • RBS

        That’s not activism though, that’s just how good employees behave.

      • Rebel Scum

        “Me beliefs aren’t political they are just commonsense.” – leftist

      • Nephilium

        Hate Speech isn’t Free Speech!

        Phrase I hate the most.

      • kbolino

        Which implies that freedom of speech is not a right of the people but a characteristic of the speech.

      • Nephilium

        Free speech = goodspeak in their minds.

      • kbolino

        Much like how the Second Amendment protecting the right of the government to arm itself makes little sense, so too does the First Amendment only protecting expression that doesn’t offend anyone.

      • Chipwooder

        Most of them believe exactly that.

      • kbolino

        And they’re right!

        /OPM

      • kbolino

        OPM, OSC, toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe

    • KibbledKristen

      They used the word “upmost” in their statement. Fuck them, good and hard.

    • Pine_Tree

      If I were a distributor I’d be burning up their phones and email demanding they buy back all my Goodyear inventory at price, since they decided to devalue their own brand.

      • Pine_Tree

        No they’re not. They’re parsing definitions.

      • Not Adahn

        No they’re not.

        That event I attended was put on by an outside consultant, and wasn’t “training.”

        But to pretend it wasn’t company policy and disregarding it wouldn’t get you fired is willfully naive.

    • Chipwooder

      It’s not from corporate = we hired some “diversity trainer” scam artist to present this horseshit. Note as well their statement says “….we ask that associates refrain from workplace expressions in support of political campaigning for any candidate or political party, as well as similar forms of advocacy fall outside the scope of racial justice and equity issues.

      I’m happy to not buy Goodyears anyway – been a BF Goodrich customer for years already.

      • kbolino

        I don’t believe any of them are actually immune to this until they pull a Goya or Red Bull, and even then I’d expect them to cave after awhile.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        WHY YOU NO BUY AMERICAN?

      • Chipwooder

        They still have an American name – the Frenchies kept that, at least. Doesn’t that count for something?!

      • Not Adahn

        Because Michelins and Yokohamas are better?

        Same reasons I prefer my cocaine from Columbia and my hookers from eastern Europe.

      • Chipwooder

        BFGs are the top of the heap for all-terrains, though. T/A KO2 for liiiiiife, homie

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’m trying Kumho Crugen HT51s on my next set. Supposed to be 90% of the Michelin LTX MS for about 2/3rds of the price.

      • Not Adahn

        When I still had my Z3, I was sick of spending $250 ea for Michelin Pilots and put on some $150 Sumitomos. Driving home from the shop I took a turn that I took every day and went straight sideways off the road.

        Sam’s Club gave me a refund.

      • kinnath

        I hated the Michelin Pilots that I put on my 350Z.

        I have loved the Yokohamas that I have used since then.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        When it comes to rubbers for my truck, I stick with the French ticklers

      • SandMan

        “Look, it’s the Goodrich Blimp!”

    • Akira

      I wonder how much this kind of shit costs the American consumer every year as a result of higher prices for “diversity specialists”, discrimination lawsuits, etc.

      Just learned yesterday that some guy at my work (who happens to be black) is basically termination-proof because he previously got fired, sued the company for racial discrimination, and got reinstated. Everyone (including numerous other black employees) complain that he has the easiest job and puts out a half-assed effort at that, but the company is afraid of losing shittons of money in another lawsuit if they fire him even with ample documented reasons.

      So yay, some infinitesimal increase in prescription drug costs for everyone!

    • SugarFree

      These are my people. I finally feel like I have a home.

      • KibbledKristen

        Filth, for lack of a better word, is good

    • commodious spittoon

      Juvenile. TIWTANFL.

      • Ozymandias

        Okay – I can’t parse that acronym.

      • kbolino

        This is why there are no female libertarians

        (obviously sarc here)

      • Pine_Tree

        Huh. OK. I was trying to make it end with “no free lunch”.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        This Is Why There Are No Floridian Libertarians

      • Rebel Scum

        Floridan man always struck me as the most libertarian because usually some stuff happens…and then drugs fall out.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Yeah, the way he blew it in ’92 was just so typically Canadian.

    I saw that.

  19. leon

    https://twitter.com/stewiewithatuba/status/1296155639765491717

    CoryD
    @stewiewithatuba
    Replying to
    @ScottAdamsSays
    and
    @HieronymusFisto
    That only makes the problem worse. The answer to public schools being underfunded is not to remove more funding.

    This guy has in his bio:

    IT nomad that’s obsessed with fast cars and the finer life. Here to make jokes, challenge the politically ignorant & talk about day trading commodities

    • kbolino

      Later on, the same idiot said, “Perhaps you should move to the libertarian paradise of Somalia.”

      Besides the stupidity of this trope from day one, it is rather passé today, and I’m pretty sure we can call its continued use racist now. It’s not 1993 anymore and Somalia is not stuck in a perpetual state of being lazy white liberals’ whipping boy.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Not that they’d every admit it, but what really sticks in their craw is that prior to the civil war, Somalia was a Marxist-Leninist military dictatorship and that it was 21 years of that which was responsible for turning the “Naples of Africa” into a LARP of Mad Max.

      • Chipwooder

        Not REAL Marxism-Leninism, of course.

      • kbolino

        Despite all their pretenses, the Soviets gave a lot less of a shit about their non-European client states.

    • Akira

      That only makes the problem worse. The answer to public schools being underfunded is not to remove more funding.

      Seeing as how school funding has gone nowhere but up since the ’70s while most metrics of performance have either stagnated or declined, seems like returning funding to its previous levels would not result in harm.

      See, when you make some costly change to solve some problem and it doesn’t work, the sensible thing to do is reverse that change and go back to the drawing board to figure out what the real issue was.

      • Ozymandias

        OMFG, This. ^^^^
        This drives me so fucking insane I could cry. If you claim to be serious about a problem or issue – ANY fucking problem or issue – serious enough to devote legislation and a big chunk of taxpayer $$ (like billions) at the problem, then for fucks sake, someone had better be monitoring whatever “solution” is being tried and doing some analysis of whether or not the given HUGE expenditure is having any impact on the issue/problem complained of… BUT THEY. NEVER. DO.
        This is when I realized it’s all bullshit. No one, literally – NO ONE – could claim to be serious and spend money on this kind of failure. ONLY in GOVERNMENT can you spend this much money on something, have nothing to show for it, and then with a straight face get in front of a camera and say, “I need billions more. The first $20 billion wasn’t enough.”
        These are just payoffs to their union donors. That’s all it is – because the graphs for money spent overlaid with the graph for results only go in the wrong directions, both of them.

      • juris imprudent

        Look, it is KNOWN – money solves problems and when money doesn’t solve a problem, you need MORE money to solve the problem.

        The only difference between left and right here is what problem you aren’t solving by spending enough: social or defense.

      • Ozymandias

        Yep. I told the story at the end of the anthrax book about my buddy at the Pentagon who worked in ship procurement for his final tour. Three-billion (with a B) into a program and not a rivet popped. Many, many, many Congressional junkets to various shipbuilders, feasibility surveys, powerpoint presentations ad nauseum, but three billion and not even a keel laid.
        ‘Murica.

      • juris imprudent

        The previous 3-star that was the top uniform in Army acquisition actually said at one point what a glorious example of acquisition success the Bradley Fighting Vehicle was (and mind you, Army has aborted three attempts to replace the Bradley – costs also in the billions without anything but a pile of paper). I was like, you mean to tell me in your 30+ years of service, you not once ever became acquainted with Pentagon Wars, either the movie or the book?

      • Ozymandias

        I’ve not read that, but I had personal experience with being a pilot during the V-22 acquisition. I can assure you that I learned everything I needed to know about Pentagon acquisitions during that tragic, criminal farce of a general’s ego and government pork. My best friend was one of the first 4 Osprey pilots, and then the maintenance officer during the infamous “doctor the books” scandal by the CO, with lots of pressure from the Wing CG so the V-22 would make the contract “MILESTONE 3” – or else it was supposedly going to get a hard look in Congress.
        This is on top of the pile of bodies that already existed and later killed my friend’s best friend and crew (hydraulics). That was all driven by pork – Bell-Boeing put a bunch of subs in a whole lot of districts intentionally to get that thing approved. JERBS!!!!
        I doubt there’s anything anyone could say that could make me more jaded about the Pentagon procurement process than I already am. (See, e.g., vaccine, anthrax).
        Eisenhower wasn’t nearly as loud as he should have been on the subject.

      • Mad Scientist

        But let’s say you reduce funding. They’re not going to fire all those extra administrators and counselors they hired. They’re going to fire teachers, and punish the students to get their parents to vote for more funding. Because of this, public education can’t ever be fixed.

      • kbolino

        The doublespeak on the funding issue is funny to me.

        U.K. NHS essentially freezing doctors’ and nurses’ pay from the 1950s to today = How to smartly manage healthcare costs

        U.S. schools essentially freezing teachers’ pay from the 1970s to today = Criminal underfunding of the education system

        (In both cases, overall costs have gone way up and results haven’t really improved)

    • kinnath

      Defund The Schools!

      • The Other Kevin

        Great idea! Let’s take this up as a slogan, and when people question it, tell them that no, it doesn’t mean taking funding away from schools, it really means 25 other things and if you can’t see that you’re stupid.

      • kbolino

        Also, Black Lives Matter has nothing to do with Marxism, but if you don’t agree that the problem is capitalism you’re part of the problem.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Some asshole with a really noisy helicopter keeps flying over me. It’s gotta be a two rotor job, because it has that really pronounced whap-whap-whap when it’s coming at you. I think it might even have a piston engine, just to add to the clatter.

    • kbolino

      I live in a runway approach for a major international airport. I rarely hear any helicoptors. Downside: I hear a lot of airplanes instead.

      • KibbledKristen

        D…downside?

      • Not Adahn

        The airport near me has a number of advantages.

        1. All the surrounding undeveloped land is forested, so I have charismatic fauna come and visit from time to time.
        2. The guy that flies his glider every weekend in fun to watch.

      • kbolino

        It doesn’t bother me, actually. I can sleep with the window open. But apparently not everyone agrees. And, I will admit, every once in a while an airplane flies really low and it’s really loud.

      • Chipwooder

        When I was a little kid, we used to go over to my great aunt and uncle’s house in Floral Park in Queens. Their house was in a flight path from JFK and I can remember seeing the big jets screaming directly overhead from their backyard.

      • KibbledKristen

        My Pa is from FLoral Park!!

      • Chipwooder

        Hah, no kidding! I think my relatives were actually on the Nassau side, not Queens, but to little kid me it was “the city” compared to where we lived.

      • Not Adahn

        Until age 6, I lived next to Tinker AFB. I’m assuming that’s why aircraft noises don’t bother me.

        Trains on the other hand…

      • Fatty Bolger

        Same here, possibly because I’m an Air Force brat, and planes were just normal background noise growing up. I actually enjoy hearing them. But it does seem like most people don’t like it.

        Back in the day they’d often go supersonic right over your neighborhood and really rattle the windows. That was cool, but I remember how much my Mom hated it.

      • Ozymandias

        My favorite sign is at the entrance to many air bases, mine included (MCAS New River):

        “Pardon Our Noise, It’s the Sound of Freedom”

      • Chipwooder

        When we lived in Pensacola, we were near the air station and the Blue Angels would frequently practice at very low altitude. My son was a toddler at the time and absolutely went crazy whenever we saw them.

      • Fatty Bolger

        “Pardon Our Noise, It’s the Sound of Freedom”

        Hah, that’s great. Just googled and there’s lots of pictures of them online.

      • Ozymandias

        Chipwooder – Greatest moment of pure joy in my life was being a flight student on something like my FAM-8 (literally my 8th flight in the plane) over P’Cola Bay and the Blues were doing their full show (which they used to do every Wednesday in the offseason as PCola is their home port). You could go sit in the stands if you were a flight student and watch the whole thing, but I got to see it from 8500′ holding because my instructor was a nice guy, caught sight of it, and then just flew lazy arcs and let me watch them do their thing. Seeing from above and co-altitude (at times) was just… I don’t know. It was surreal given how I grew up watching them at airshows – to be there and seeing it as a student-pilot after all those years.

      • Fatty Bolger

        We had the Blue Angels practice right next to our house a couple of times in Florida (like your toddler, my own kids absolutely loved it), and once with the Thunderbirds when I was a kid in Germany. It’s really something to see.

      • KibbledKristen

        once in a while an airplane flies really low and it’s really loud

        I’ll be in my bunk…

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Henry Hill, is that you? I thought you were dead.

    • Ozymandias

      Some asshole with a really noisy helicopter

      Uhhh, is there any other kind?

      /rotorhead

      • Ozymandias

        I should note this can be interpreted two ways: there are only noisy helicopters OR that there are only asshole helo pilots. My answer to this is a resounding, “Yes.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Probably an R44

      • Ozymandias

        That’s what I was thinking. Or a 22 even. But yes, recip engine and noisy for the size. Kind of a whappy rotor sound….. nothing like the manly thump-thud of the glorious, commie-killing AH-1W SuperCobra; 32″ chord on each blade, the tips traveling just under the speed of sound with each of its powerful 311 rotations-per-minute….

        I’ll be in my bunk.

      • Tres Cool

        The only time I ever came close to being airsick was when I was a hungover E-4 riding in a CH-47D Chinhook. The counter-opposing rotors make it cork-screw threw the air, and my gut wasnt up for it that day.

      • Ozymandias

        The CH-53E has a similar feeling. I hated riding in the back of those things. Only time I ever came close to puking in the back of a helo was in the back of a 53 – and it was doing that corkscrew motion through the air while flying straight. I told the pilot later (we were all living in the same quarters on ship) and he chuckled about it, confirming that is… just how it flies.

    • juris imprudent

      Ah, wait for a fly by from an MV-22 Osprey or two. The only thing louder then them are the A-10 Warthogs; we had two pair of those fly over yesterday late afternoon.

      • SandMan

        I concur that the Osprey is freaking loud, but I thought the A10s were reasonably quiet, at least until they were right on top of you.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    The answer to public schools being underfunded is not to remove more funding.

    Whatever the problem is, it ain’t underfunding.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Uhhh, is there any other kind?

    Some are more noisier than others. From the ground, anyway.

    The Kaman heavy lift helicopter with two intermeshed rotors that went over one day made a truly weird (and impressive) noise.

    • Ozymandias

      Fun fact: helicopters all have distinct noise signatures. After being around them a lot, you can recognize the difference without looking up. 53s, 46s, Chinooks, NOTARs, even the difference between Hueys and Cobras, which are both two-bladed with tail rotor. Some old senior chief who had been in the brown-water Navy in Vietnam told me before I became a pilot and I thought he was yanking my chain. He wasn’t.

      Other fun fact: Some European helos (like the Gazelle) have rotors that turn clockwise instead of CCW, which is what all US military models do. That produces a very specific antitorque, which means that if you’re practicing autos in that European helo, the emergency procedure for engine loss requires the exact opposite rudder input: (collective)DOWN-LEFT (rudder)-(throttle to flight) IDLE-TURN (to the field/LZ), instead of “RIGHT” that is beaten into every helo student in training. In a US helo, ya gotta have a BIG input of right boot when that power goes because of the yaw. It’s the exact opposite in a Gazelle.

      • Tres Cool

        I can tell a UH-1 a mile away from that CHOP sound…..same with a UH-60 and the transmission whine

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I feel like that most days.

  23. The Late P Brooks
    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I hate to think what happens when you lose power to one rotor.

      • Ozymandias

        I just read in the comments that the blades have a rigid linkage so they don’t rotate independently. My guess is they’re not powered independently either.
        I would imagine there’s a mechanism to ensure that you can’t lose power to one rotor. You simply “lose power” and then you shoot an auto.

    • SandMan

      “Statues will also be filled with goodies like candy and ramen noodles to distract the rioters and cause conflicts within the ranks.”

      Man the Bee has some great minds!

  24. tripacer

    KKristen: Come meet with the Cascadia Glib contingent sometime. I’ll take you for a Pacer ride if the weather’s nice.

    • tripacer

      No, not an AMC Pacer.

      • KibbledKristen

        LOL – that wouldn’t be bad, either, though

    • KibbledKristen

      If it has mountains, I’m there (eventually)

      • tripacer

        There’s a mountain here. It’s on all my beer cans.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Olympia?

      • tripacer

        Rainier. That’s Rahn-yay. Though I think Oly and Henry’s PR also have The Mountain