THE SMITH COUSINS’ FRIDAY NIGHT ADVICE

by | Sep 11, 2020 | Advice | 191 comments

FRENS

I didn’t even have to get tricked into this post tonight. I KNEW this was going to be handed over to me. Once I saw ZARDOZ had done links earlier this week, it was inevitable. These Cryptids are really screwing with the scheduling. I mean, I know they want to “HELP” us…but… OK, no use complaining. Let me get my armor on and get into the broadcast vault.

Good evening everyone. Welcome to the SMITHS’ Friday Night Advice. SEA is finally back from…wherever, and STEVE has been on the schedule for a bit now.

First up, STEVE SMITH will proffer some advice. STEVE?

ADVICE DOCTOR IS IN!

STEVE SMITH WANT GIVE GOODEST ADVICE. HIM WANT FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE BE SMART AND DO RIGHT THINGS. BY DO RIGHT THINGS, MEAN… HERE ADVICE. FROM STEVE SMITH.

Q: I have a work friend who calls me every day. Since social distancing began in March, our place of work has been closed. My friend lives alone and has always depended upon our workplace as their sole means of social interaction and access to the internet.

They do not have a computer at home, and they take pride in their “non-smart” flip phone. Their only source of information is the TV. When Friend calls, they want to know everything I have done during my day. Then they angrily rehash all of the day’s COVID-19 news and other disasters.

Sometimes I just can’t bear the thought of speaking with them, and let the call roll to voicemail. After a few days, I feel guilty and call them, only to get an accusatory, “Why didn’t you pick up? Where have you been?” (As if I could be anywhere but at home during this pandemic.)

I feel as if I am one of Friend’s only lifelines during this crisis. I don’t want to be cruel or cause any mental health issues by ignoring them or denying them the opportunity for human conversation, but their daily needy calls are making me stressed and depressed.

I should have nipped this in the bud long ago, but did not. How can I politely set healthy boundaries for both of us while not feeling like a terrible person for wanting less contact?

A: STEVE SMITH UNDERSTAND. HIM THINK YOU HAVE THREE CHOICE HERE: LISTEN BORING WORK HOOMAN CALL, AND SUFFER; TELL WORK HOOMAN “WHEN YOU TALK, I WANT DRILL HOLE IN HEAD TO LET BOREDOM LEAK OUT! BOTHER OTHER SOMEONE!” THEN TURN PHONE OFF; OR, FAKE OWN DEATH FROM HOOMAN PLAGUE THING. THEN NO HAVE TALK!

YOU WELCOME FOR GOODEST ADVICE.

NO CALL ANYMORE!

FREE CASCADIA!

Free Cascadia, indeed. Nothing like choices, eh STEVE? Over to SEA SMITH now for our second bit of advice.

SEA SMITH GIVE SHIP ADVICE!

SEA SMITH HAPPY HELP COUSIN STEVE WITH ADVICE. SEA SMITH, HE GIVE LAND HOOMANS ADVICE BETTER THAN CRAZY SLATE HOOMAN!

Q: My mom’s first love died recently. The plan for his remains is for them to be cremated and then for his current wife to keep them in an urn. My mom wants to take some of his ashes from the urn and to then take them to their old spot and scatter them, assuming she can do so without alerting his family and thus adding to their pain. She thinks it will help her mourn and that it will not do any harm to him or his family, especially since she will do it only if she can be sure they will not find out. I think it is disrespectful to his remains and that, if he wanted his ashes to be scattered someplace special, he would have talked about it with his wife. Should I stop her? Is this a strange but OK reaction to the death of someone important to her, or should I encourage her to seek other ways of mourning?

A: SEA SMITH HAVE FUNNY FEELING THIS NO REAL. BUT IF IS REAL, SEA SMITH ASK – IS MOM FAMOUS CAT BURGLAR? JEWEL THIEF? NO? HOW SHE GO STEAL ASH OF DEAD HOOMAN THEN!? TELL MOM SHE NEED GO SEE HEAD DOCTOR. SHE CRAZY LAND HOOMAN. OR YOU TELL HER TRY BREAK IN. WHEN CAUGHT, SHE GO PRISON AND HAVE MORE THINK ABOUT THAN MOURN DEAD LAND HOOMAN! WIN! SEA SMITH GIVE BEST ADVICE!

COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!

I am sure the water is quite fine, SEA. However, I am going to hit this here emergency escape button and flee while the armored doors slam shut. Commenters, the post is yours!

About The Author

Swiss Servator

Swiss Servator

Currently serving at the pleasure of a Swiss multinational. Previously a Soldier, rugby player, lawyer, bouncer, bartender, substitute teacher, risk manager, and cubicle mushroom. Will work for raclette.

191 Comments

  1. Hyperion

    Just so we know Broketard has never been first.

    • Chafed

      I thought he was a fist.

  2. Cancelled

    Armored underwear?

  3. Count Potato

    So she wants to steal some of the ashes of her dead boyfriend who married someone else?

    • Mad Scientist

      It will help her mourn! Why is everyone thinking about the dead guy and his wife when there’s a mourning ex-girlfriend who needs to do something completely insane because she’s mourning!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Just empty an ashtray into a box and give it to her.

  4. Brightfame Overlight

    I once saw a River Smith, looking for Great Lakes Smith, Canadian style

    • Nephilium

      You mean like Bessie?

    • Fourscore

      She needs to find out where her lover is interred, dig around and scoop up some of the dirt. She will then be close to him.

      /Have not saw a need to see my ex’s burial spot, want to avoid even being near.

    • Fourscore

      Saw a black smith once, does that count?

      • pistoffnick

        Uhhmm, 4score,…ahhh…problematic. I believe the correct term is “smith of color”.

      • Fourscore

        We need to dig some yellow raspberry plants next week. We, meaning you, but I’ll show you the patch and you can recruit some helpers. Near our work site.

      • pistoffnick

        I’d gladly take some raspberry plants.

      • pistoffnick

        My neighbors usually take a summer vacation right about the time their raspberries are at their prime. This year they were home ALL summer. I only got to steal 4 or 5 raspberries.

  5. Rhywun

    they take pride in their “non-smart” flip phone

    Which one of you is this? ‘Fess up.

    • Cancelled

      It was me, until flip phones became more expensive than smart phones.

      • hayeksplosives

        They had to pry my Blackberry from my tightly clutched fists at work a few years ago. I still miss the keyboard.

        Motorola teased that they were going to re-release the Razr, since it was so popular.
        I don’t know if that fizzled out or what.

      • Rhywun

        My friend had this oddball phone with a lengthwise keyboard that could be revealed by flipping the screen. That thing was cool.

        We probably agree that software keyboards suck ass.

    • Sean

      Not me. I got my .gov tracker in 2019.

      I did so love flip phones for many years though.

      • Fourscore

        Looks around, whistles, walks quietly away

  6. Aloysious

    Nice. The Chupathingy down Mexico way is a’friend of STEVE’.

    keel.

    • Cancelled

      Oh God, can we stop talking about Cuties? Kid sucking is so old.

      • Brightfame Overlight

        Christian Reeves begs to differ

      • Brightfame Overlight

        Chris, Dammit

    • Aloysious

      edit: kewl.

      I need an editor.

      As for ‘Cuties’… blech.

  7. westernsloper

    Fire erupted on board of a cable laying ship at around 0340 Seoul time Sep 11,

    Two cups o’coffee I fire one and lay some cable every morning. Not sure what time it is in Seoul though.

    • Timeloose

      The time in Seoul is +13 hours from EST right now.

      • westernsloper

        I know how to figure time zones it just never crossed my mind to care, now you have made me add Seoul to my world clock and I am going to post every morning what time in Seoul it was when I laid cable.

      • Timeloose

        My cable laying world clock is vast.

      • Fourscore

        New euphemism? I can’t keep up

        /Kids nowadays

      • Cancelled

        i think they are making a date for some sodomy?

      • Timeloose

        Being a kid is relative. In your case I surely apply.

      • westernsloper

        Dropping a deuce, backing one out, dropping the kids at the pool, pinchin one off = laying cable

      • westernsloper

        The coffee should have been a tip off.

      • Hyperion

        Just tell me if I’m the only one who has no fucking idea what TMITE is supposed to mean.

      • kinnath

        I had to ask

        The Media Is The Enemy

      • Hyperion

        I guess I was too proud to ask. Thank you. And agreed.

      • westernsloper

        I had to ask. The Media Is The Enemy

      • dbleagle

        “Class I download”

      • db

        How many continents have you laid cable on?

      • Timeloose

        4

      • Timeloose

        I might be a bit aspy.

  8. mexican sharpshooter

    Should I stop her?

    Yes. You should absolutely stop her, and tell her to not even bring it up with the dead guy’s wife. I find it disturbing you lack the sense of decency that you have to ask if this is in any way appropriate.

    • hayeksplosives

      Maybe she plans to show her mother the letter to dissuade the ash theft.

    • Hyperion

      ‘I call her momrade now’ lol

    • hayeksplosives

      That brought up a tweet that Trevor Noah was offended by gender reveal parties, because the child hasn’t had a chance to grow up and choose its gender.

      Ted Cruz commented in response “it’s a fair point. Many liberal males never grow balls.”

      • Hyperion

        Didn’t Trevor and Don Lemon get married recently? NTTIAWWT

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That left a mark

      • Rhywun

        I would pay good money to watch those two in a cage match.

      • westernsloper

        Yes he did. And the twitter replies are a dumpster fire of hate.

    • Hyperion

      KekYuga2020

      @KYuga2020
      Replying to
      @AlyssaRosenberg

      Ok Groomer

      Now THAT is funny.

    • Sean

      I don’t speak foreign.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The Finns are becoming Swedes.

      • blackjack

        I thought that was the Greek.

      • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

        Don’t tell the Swedes that. I had a Swedish colleague tell me “if you you see someone passed out on the street in Sweden, it’s a Finn. They are all a bunch of drunks”. He said it like it’s a bad thing.

      • Hyperion

        Furen talk, it’s all just that pig latin to me, they be like getting all slanty eyed and be like ‘wing wang wong fong’ and I be like ‘wut?’.

    • Rhywun

      püüki

      • Cancelled
    • Rhywun

      Next ad is Tom of Finland, “You want fries with that?”

    • Hyperion

      Meh, I want one of the foldable ones when they come out, so I can see it.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      A once great company… now owned by a Chinese PC manufacturer.

      • Hyperion

        The spyware be spying on the spyware.

      • Sensei

        One of many…

    • Count Potato

      No buttons.

  9. J. Frank Parnell

    That second question sounds like the setup for a sitcom episode.

    Like, Frasier goes to his ex-girlfriend’s funeral and wants a handful of the ashes and enlists Niles to distract everyone and hilarity ensues.

    • Rhywun

      Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!

  10. Fourscore

    “I have a work friend who calls me every day”

    Call her every morning at 5 AM and tell her what you have done, TV, etc, then tell her you have to get ready for work and say good bye. After 3 days she’ll not be your friend any more and won’t be calling.

    • Sean

      I can barely make k cup coffee at 5 am.

      Twice now, I’ve forgotten the put a mug there before hitting the start button.

    • Hyperion

      That might work. I speak from experience. I had a deadbeat friend who would call me every fucking morning at 6am, or every night after midnight. I just kept telling him ‘Dude, don’t wake me up at 6am, I fucking work!’. I stopped talking to him, not because of that, but it was just amazing, the guy had no sense of what time it was because he didn’t do anything.

      And my mom used to call me, this went on for a couple of years, 2 or 3 times a week when I was in my daily 1pm project meeting.

      ‘Mom, I’m at work’

      ‘You’re working today?’

      ‘Yeah, it’s Tuesday’

      ‘I thought you work at home on Tuesday’

      ‘Yes, work, I’m working’

    • Sensei

      I have a present for you. The voice actress you Google stalked the other week in my anime post.

      雨宮天15万人お礼コメント&おうちチャレンジ (Sora Amamiya Thanks & Challenge)

      She just got 150k subscribers and thanked all her foreign fans in English. She obviously practiced her English as I don’t think she really speaks it. But speaking in general is what she does for a living so her accent is surprisingly good. And of course she’s adorable…

      • Sensei

        English at 1:00 mark or so.

      • Sean

        ?

  11. Count Potato

    “Today is the anniversary of Pinochet’s coup against Salvador Allende in Chile.

    Allende is remembered as the decent visionary socialist he was. Pinochet and the Generals are detested for the violent thugs they were.”

    https://twitter.com/jeremycorbyn/status/1304413396172001280

    While I’m against increasing government spending, maybe we can buy England a few helicopters?

  12. Derpetologist

    I’m pretty sure I’m the last person in North America under the age of 70 who still uses a flip phone. I bought it from CVS in 2012. Unlimited texts and 200 minutes voice for $25 per month. Good enough for me. Also, it greatly reduces my exposure to emojis.

    That wannabe ash thief lady…has she ever wondered why her ex married someone else?

    satire ideas – pick your fav and/or suggest your own

    Trump Inept, Says Governor Whose State is on Fire Again

    Climate Change is Real, Says Person Who Thinks Gender is a Social Construct

    Friends Say No Problems at All After Weekend at Biden’s

    In GlibFit news, I’m 7 hours away from being booze free for a whole week, smashing my previous record. [waves self-control pennant]

    • westernsloper

      Also, it greatly reduces my exposure to emojis. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

      • Derpetologist

        [Homer scream]

        Mosquitoes killing livestock in Louisiana after hurricane
        https://www.foxnews.com/us/mosquitoes-killing-livestock-louisiana-hurricane

        ***
        Huge swarms of mosquitoes are draining blood from and killing livestock in Louisiana after Hurricane Laura swept through the state.

        The mosquitoes, which were pushed from Louisiana swamps as a result of the storm, are draining blood from deer and cattle, as well as a few goats and horses, who become exhausted from blood loss and die, veterinarian Craig Fontenot told the Louisiana State University Agricultural Center.
        ***

        [Homer scream]

        Wait, where’s Pie?

    • Hyperion

      My wife has a pink one. I’m serious. It still works, but she only uses it as a joke.

      I don’t like phones. The camera is nice on my Samsung. It’s great for capturing that pic of Space Smith flying over on a UFO when you just knew no one was going to believe you. Besides, that, I scan Whatsapp Web so I can use it on my PC. And if I’m working, signing into Duo Security 7000 times a day. Outside of that, I’d like to flip the damn thing into the trash. Anything smaller that 34″ is not usable as a display.

    • Fourscore

      It’s been close to 40 years since I had a beer or a drink. The only time I ever said no to a drink was if someone asked if I’d had enough. It’s not a life for most people but I like waking up without a hangover, remembering who I pissed off yesterday. I can still be a jerk but now I remember. My two besties also are dried out, we seem to have quit about the same time, even though we didn’t know it.

      Life got better, found out that my kids were really pretty nice and my wife stopped threatening to kill me.

      • Hyperion

        Good for you. I drink, but I don’t advocate anyone do it. If a young person asked my advice, I would say ‘don’t drink alcohol, not worth it.’.

      • Fourscore

        When I see a young girl smoking I want to slap her face. A number of reasons but mostly seeing old women , 60’s, 70s. still smoking, coughing and not able to do much, may be even on oxygen.. I was a two pack a day guy, when smokes got to be 25 cents a pack in the PX (and I got really sick with respireratory problems I quit. The warnings had been on cigarettes for 15 years or more then.

        In 7th grade, the gym teacher, Deano (or Dino) raged to us kids about smoking. “It’ll affect your wind” 10 years later I was smoking and you know, Dino was right.

      • Hyperion

        I’ve never smoked. I smoked weed a few times. But beer, I love that stuff. Although, I think I should give it up completely at my age. Seems to be much harder on me than it used to.

    • Fourscore

      It’s been close to 40 years since I had a beer or a drink. The only time I ever said no to a drink was if someone asked if I’d had enough. It’s not a life for most people but I like waking up without a hangover, remembering who I pissed off yesterday. I can still be a jerk but now I remember. My two besties also are dried out, we seem to have quit about the same time, even though we didn’t know it.

      Life got better, found out that my kids were really pretty nice and my wife stopped threatening to kill me.

      • Sensei

        Congrats!

        I’m friends with quite a few recovered people. Sadly also friends with some who have relapsed and/or watched it wreck their lives and the people around them.

      • Derpetologist

        I’ve never had anything really bad happen to me because of alcohol – yet. I want to keep it that way.

        The next goal is to push on to 30 days of being booze free. And then keep going until my waistline recedes to an acceptable size. When that happens, I may drink again, with the caveats that I won’t drink every day and no more than 2 standard drinks a day.

        Spinoza allowed himself a bottle of wine per month.

      • Hyperion

        Alcohol is a drug and it’s a bad drug. One thing that really annoys me is that it’s so revered in most cultures that people can’t just say, this is an addicting drug and I’d probably be better off without it. Nope, instead if you drink too much, you’re a victim and it’s not your fault and you can’t do anything about it. Bullshit is all that is. No different than any other addictive drug. Nothing magical about it.

      • blackjack

        I went about 30 years with no booze or drugs of any kind. I eventually realized that at some point I was just sticking to tradition and I started to drink a bit. I love scotch, but it was causing my gums to recede, so I stopped drinking it about 6 months ago. Now, I just have a few beers, but I do it pretty much every day. On weekends, I’ll have around 5, workdays 2 or 3. I don’t really like being drunk.

      • TARDis

        Y’all are Zoomin’ agin’, aincha?

      • TARDis

        This is a reverse Brooksie, right?

      • blackjack

        I don’t know about these kids “zooming” but I certainly hope they’re using clean needles, if they do.

      • TARDis

        It’s a weekend thing. We should tell their parents.

      • Hyperion

        There’s no help for them. Right now, Broketard is dancing around nekked. Zoom is de debil.

    • Gadfly

      Climate Change is Real, Says Person Who Thinks Gender is a Social Construct

      That’s not even satire, I’m sure there are literally thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of people in the US who hold those two ideas at the same time.

      • Derpetologist

        Yeah, I was trying to think of how also to make a snappy headline out of the fact that there are people who both:

        1) support open borders

        and

        2) oppose gentrification

        Either you want people to be free to live where they want or you don’t.

      • db

        Or you want people to live exactly the way you do, because you can’t abide true diversity.

    • straffinrun

      Trump Inept, Says Governor Whose State is on Fire Again

      I like that one. Get a Smokey Bear poster that says “Only You Can Prevent Electricity” and have him pointing at Newsome.

      • blackjack

        Hey, now that there’s smoke everywhere, the masks are starting to make some sense after all.

    • Cancelled

      You had your first drink at under 1 week old?

      • Derpetologist

        I tried to drink out of beer can I found on the ground when I was 5, so maybe?

        My dad swatted it out of my hand. I also escaped from pre-school that year.

        The teacher lined up the class, I got at the back. When they marched off, I turned around, went out the back door, and walked home.

      • Hyperion

        When I popped out, I looked at the nurse and said ‘Get me a beer, woman!’. And she did.

      • Derpetologist

        Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally. When he returned, his shirt was ironed and he had a sandwich in his hand.

      • Hyperion

        I’m stealing that.

      • blackjack

        On the 7th hour of the 7th day?

    • Grumbletarian

      Nancy Pelosi Proposes “Do As I Day Not As I Do” Law While Getting Pedicure In Forcibly Closed Salon.

  13. hayeksplosives

    I just got back from my diagnostic imaging and can break the fast that has had me on liquids only since last night.

    Got home, had leftover stir fry, and finished it off with the most perfect Fuji apple I’ve ever eaten. Picked it right off the dwarf Apple tree by the back patio. I don’t know what affects Apple development but I assume it’s sun, water, and heat.

    I’d love to replicate this season’s offerings.

    • Fourscore

      I’m surprised that apples grow in your climate. I thought they needed some cold weather to reset. I may never see my little trees produce but they made it through so far this year, planted in May.

    • DEG

      Diagnostic imaging? That sounds like something is wrong. I hope things go well for you.

  14. Derpetologist

    Washington Post columnist defends ‘Cuties’ from uproar after knocking ‘Joker’ as provocative
    https://www.foxnews.com/media/washington-post-defends-cuties-joker-provocative

    ***
    Rosenberg called it a “real shame” that “so many conservatives” voiced their condemnation of the film, suggesting they could appreciate the subject manner of family and the toxic influence of social media.

    She also stressed that the dancing by the young girls isn’t presented as “liberated or admirable” but rather “shows other characters reacting with sadness or disgust when these girls try to act like grown women.”
    ….
    Rosenberg slammed “Joker” for “siding” with its namesake villain “not so much because he’s a good, talented person who has been unfairly overlooked but because this movie and the people who made it are defined by a reaction against what they don’t have and are told they can’t do.”
    ***

    [Kif sigh]

    • DEG

      I don’t remember what I did for my 40th birthday.

      I might have gone to Quebec.

      I can’t remember.

      • TARDis

        Me neither. I can’t remember last year’s birthday. And all I can remember from this year’s was slow service at the restaurant.

      • DEG

        This year’s birthday I was at the brewpub enjoying some good beer, some good food, and some good conversations with the staff. I didn’t mention to them that it was my birthday.

      • slumbrew

        I got my appendix taken out. Good times.

  15. straffinrun

    Sometimes I just can’t bear the thought of speaking with them

    Is you friend a zygote going through cell division?

  16. commodious spittoon

    Keep it secret… keep it safe

    • commodious spittoon

      It’s quite cool

      • Fatty Bolger

        I have no idea why you posted this here, but it made me laugh.

  17. Ozymandias

    This was a pretty good cryptid advice column, IMO. I had some good chuckles.

    I don’t know if this has already been posted, so forgive drugs out of tuchus, but the Atlantic has now called for no more Nobel Peace Prize ‘cuz Trump. Let me just jump over the Obama Nobel comparisons entirely to make this observation: Forget everything else about Trump you know or think you do; I am just tickled that Trump has revealed these people to be the unprincipled hacks that they have always been.
    Whatever his merits or demerits, Trump getting Israel and an Arab nation to sign such an agreement is unquestionably historic.
    Meta-love: what I really love, however, is that The Atlantic allowed this unhinged take to be flying out front of their masthead at the same time they were directly wagering their “credibility” against Trump’s on the “Trump called soldiers losers” article. Now, right or wrong, how does that article look in comparison to this kind of “hot take” just days after their last “bombshell.” Even their own admirers will have to backpedal when defending the prior article over drinks. How stupid do you have to be as a publisher/editor to allow that to happen??

    • straffinrun

      If the Nobel Peace Prize were to have any real meaning, they would give it to someone who, despite being widely disparaged, did something to help reduce tensions. Instead, it’s a silly popularity contest where established elites get to showcase their virtue. As it is, it means nothing other than virtue signaling garbage.

      • Derpetologist

        The only people in the last 100 years who deserved the Peace Prize are MLK, Gandhi, Norman Borlaug, and Robert Oppenheimer (or whoever your favorite A-bomb engineer/scientist is).

      • Hyperion

        So, all wypipo, one uncle Tom and a pretend Injun? I see you and your white privilege over there.

      • Cancelled

        A take worthy of HuffPo. You are presented by a list of a black man, a subcontinental indian, a jew, and a man of scandinavian ancestry and you see only wypipo because they were all successful.

      • Hyperion

        “a jew, and a man of scandinavian ancestry”

        If them ain’t whitey, tell me what color they are? Because them is whitey.

      • blackjack

        I would nominate Shannen Dougherty for the 1990’s prize piece.

      • Drake

        90210 was that good?

      • Hyperion

        That’s one digit away from being my zip code and I don’t feel like a privileged rich white kid. I think zip codes need re-engineered.

      • blackjack

        No, she was a party animal all over Hollywood at the time. I just never ended up running into her. I didn’t really go to the hip places I guess.

      • Hyperion

        If they would just call it the Virtue Signaling Garbage Prize, then I could agree with the Atlantic (for the first and last time ever) that we should get rid of it.

    • Rhywun

      Trump has revealed these people to be the unprincipled hacks that they have always been

      For about the thousandth time. And this time he didn’t even have to troll them with a tweet first.

  18. Plinker762

    Salty, The Beard and I had a nice Glib meet-up in the backwoods of the Idaho Panhandle this afternoon. I brought the 4×4 and a shovel but luckily didn’t need them.

    • salted earth

      I was a little afraid the lady at the bar was going to put me down.

      • Plinker762

        Seniors or little kids ONLY!!

        I had an AK-74 in the truck if you had needed backup.

      • salted earth

        🙂

      • Sean

        “I had an AK-74 in the truck if you had needed backup.”

        ?

    • C. Anacreon

      Salty, The Beard and I had a nice Glib meet-up

      Ah, so you meant “salted earth”.

      At first read I thought we had a poster I was unfamiliar with named “Salty, the Beard”. Which would actually be kind of a cool handle. Maybe a friend of The Hat and The Hair.

  19. Plinker762

    Lol, Ice Road Truckers is on in the background. I love the little animations.

    “If the driver makes a mistake he could go off the road”
    Animation of truck sliding off the road and exploding.
    Following video shows truck driving by and nothing extraordinary happens.

  20. straffinrun

    Zoom host be sleeping?

    • DEG

      I wonder. I’m trying to join too. I wonder if it ended.

      • straffinrun

        Oh. Glad it’s not just me.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Tulip is in control and she is off somewhere. We are still on

      • Ownbestenemy

        Shes back

      • TARDis

        Is there a new link?

      • Hyperion

        Just tell us the truth. It all ended when Broketard, while dancing around naked, tried to swallow an entire huge extra cheesy extra cheese slice of pizza dripping with oil and then fell face down through a glass topped table.

        Then someone was trying to call 911 through sipping their cocktail with the little umbrella sticking out and giggling at the same time.

        Be honest, we know that’s how it ended.

  21. Derpetologist

    great moments in shark petting
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7yTRVfztRQ

    comment gold:

    this most terrifying game of I’ve got your nose ever!

    how does the boat stay afloat with that guy’s gigantic brass balls?

    • Chafed

      That’s… disconcerting. I really hope the debates happen. I’m pretty sure Biden is in some sort of cognitive decline but I want him on his own so it’s clear what is going on in his head.

      • salted earth

        It’s the Russians. They are editing Biden clips to make him look bad so Trump will be re-elected.

      • Chafed

        *Flips through New York Times* Yup, checks out.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Bless his heart.

  22. Derpetologist

    Not Warty Hugeman, but a hell of a sumo wrestler

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ux8xSKG7xE

    ***
    Takanoyama was born in 1983. He is s a former sumo wrestler from Czech Republic. He is also the first man from the Czech Republic to join the professional sport in Japan. Takanoyama is 187cm, 98kg. Due to his exceptionally light frame in sumo field, Takanoyama relied heavily on throws to defeat opponents much heavier than him. He had knowledge of a wide variety of techniques and used at least 37 different winning kimarite in his career. Takanoyama retired on 24 July, 2014, and his story has amazed many people.
    ***

    I know yama means mountain. The no part is probably the association particle. I don’t know what taka is. Google says “obedient”. Obedient Mountain?

    Huh. I was close. Wiki sez Noble Mountain.

    • salted earth

      Did you have a bowl of cheese for dinner tonight?

      • Derpetologist

        No, mother, I did not.

        I had a ploughman’s lunch – a man’s meal!

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ploughman%27s_lunch
        egg, meat, cheese, bread, pickle, non-alky beer

        I forgot to get onions.

        Now I want to eat a bowl of onions.

        In Tanzania, there is an appetizer/finger food called kachumbari – it’s diced tomatoes and onions mainly. I ate it a lot over there.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kachumbari

        ***
        Kachumbari is a fresh tomato and onion salad dish that is popular in the cuisines of the African Great Lakes region. It is an uncooked salad dish consisting of chopped tomatoes, onions, and chili peppers.[1] Variations of kachumbari can be found in Kenya, Tanzania, Rwanda, Uganda, Burundi and in the Southern African countries of Malawi and Congo.

        The Swahili word kachumbari originated from the Indian word cachumber.
        ***

        Tee hee. Looks like the name is just a garbled form of cucumber.

    • Chafed

      That’s a lot of face rubbing.

  23. Brochettaward

    I’ve repeatedly told Hyperion that no, no matter how gay he is and how many times he tries, I will not let him touch my penis. It doesn’t sink in and then he gets all bitchy and angry. Like, I clearly don’t swing that way. It’s not my fault he’s compulsively gay.

    • Chafed

      Just come out already. There are plenty of gay Glibs.

    • Chafed

      You read my mind.

      • Hyperion

        Do you guys ever sleep?

      • Festus' Mustache

        Hard to sleep when drunk Wifey is pulling a whirling dervish.

      • Festus' Mustache

        This is quite unpleasant.

      • PieInTheSky

        sounds kinky

      • Festus' Mustache

        Euthanasia sounds more attractive by the day. It’s not like I have anything to look forward to. I blew off all of my opportunities and now I’m just waiting around to die.

      • PieInTheSky

        It’s not like I have anything to look forward to. – come on I’m sure there’s something.

      • Chafed

        If you die you’ll miss the Hat ‘n the Hair.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Like what? Everything that I loved to do is a young man’s game. I’m done tuckered out. Maybe if I had actually had some kids of my own.

      • Chafed

        Yes? I have not been getting enough sleep this week. You lot are too entertaining. I stay up wondering what will come next.

        Also, slumbrew’s avatar has me morning the cancellation of The Venture Bros. What is wrong with Adult Swim?

  24. Gender Traitor

    ::tiptoes in, looks around:: Anybody home?

    Got tired & sleepy early, as I often do on Friday evenings. Seemed odd after a short work week, but whatcha gonna do? Went to bed extra early, so I woke up early, too. It’s lovely out here on Tranquility Base, and I don’t know how many more weeks it’ll be warm enough to be out here on a weekend morning. I’m not even listening to the satellite radio online. I’ll listen to the birds until it’s time for Old Man Music, then fire up either the jazz or the classical station.

    You lurking Fes? Your comments above worry me a bit.

    • Sean

      *waves hi*

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, Sean! I hope it’s as pleasant where you are as it is here!

      • Sean

        Cool and nice here too.

  25. Tejicano

    Standing by for the next post – but it looks like I have bedtime stories to read here.

    • Gender Traitor

      So…do you read “The Hat and the Hair” to your kids? If they rhymed, they might pass for Dr. Seuss.

  26. Tejicano

    And as long as the new post hasn’t dropped – To! Festus! It it means anything to you, while I would say that having kids is not overrated it wouldn’t have been so difficult for me to skip the whole thing.