The Hat and The Hair: Episode 169

by | Sep 30, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 259 comments

“‘Clown!’” Donald said. “He called me a ‘clown!’” Donald kicked off his huge floppy shoes and dropped his red nose and rainbow wig in the trash.

“‘National disgrace,’” the hair read off the laptop he was sitting on. “‘A new low for all of American history.’”

“You said he would crack!’ Donald said accusingly to the hat.

“He did!” the hat said. “He mumbled and stumbled and bumbled almost every answer. We all knew the media was going to cover for him.”

“And Wallace, that prune-faced fuck,” Donald fumed. “I should sell Fox News to the fucking Chinese.”

“I think they already own it,” the hair said. The hat coughed loudly and shook his bill to get the hair to shut up.

“I miss Sarah,” Donald said and sighed.

 


 

“You did good Grandpadaddy,” Finnegan said, wiping his mouth.

“I gave that malarky a man, man,” Joe said

“Yes, you socked him right in the kisser,” his granddaughter said.

“Why-why-why are my hands shaking,” he asked.

“It’s just a stutter, Joe,” she said. “We put out a lid for today. All you have to do is sleep.”

“I don’t want to go back to the basement,” Joe said. “I don’t like it down there.”

“The doctors are in the basement,” she said, reaching out to stroke the runnels in his face.

“I don’t like the doctors. They keep taking my blood.” Joe showed her the deep bruises along the inside of his arm.

“They replace it. New blood. Fresh.”

“Are they pretty?” he asked. “Do I get blood from the prettiest ones?”

“Yes, and they all have just the cleanest hair,” she said, placing his trembling hand on her breast.

Joe looked down at his applesauce and sighed.

 


 

“Did you see all that muttering?!?” Kamala screamed, knocking the glasses of the technician’s face.

“We did what we could,” the little ginger said, cowering, his testicles drawn painfully into his stomach.

“I wanted him forceful and bright!” she said in her adenoidal whine. “I’m trying to get elected President, you dumbfuck!”

“Trump is a racist! He admitted it!” Seresto said. The social media influencer followed Kamala everywhere now. She had one of them beaten when she had tried to “snap a ‘gram!” of Harris straining to take a shit.

She stared at the three of them, of the bruises on Astra’s face barely hidden with concealer.

“Proud Boys,” Kamala sneered.

“Nofap Reddit fags!” Kayleighburrow said brightly. “Hashtagging it!”

Kamala hit the technician again and sighed.

 


 

Mike Pence stared at his favorite Thomas Kinkade painting and sighed.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

259 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    I’m Firsting like it’s the very First time.

    • EvilSheldon

      Fumbling and awkward?

      Try a few drinks beforehand. Just a few, no one wants the whiskey-dick.

  2. Chipwooder

    “‘Clown!’” Donald said. “He called me a ‘clown!’” Donald kicked off his huge floppy shoes and dropped his red nose and rainbow wig in the trash.

    I don’t often actually laugh out loud, but that absolutely did the trick.

    • Idle Hands

      it was pretty good.

    • Urthona

      noice

  3. Ozymandias

    This was a pretty awesome continuation of what has to be your best work… although I will forever be ruined by the phrase “tendy nub-nubs” now…
    So I guess I’ve got that going for me.

    • Tundra

      Nice.

    • Sean

      Heh.

    • Idle Hands

      Grace Law was such a babe.

    • Rebel Scum

      Drumpfler also said Nazis were “very fine people”. It is known.

  4. Idle Hands

    Pence definitely has a house full of kinkade.

    • Idle Hands

      maybe not a house full of painting but definitely several print books that he keeps in a safe with the one issue of maxim magazine he purchased when he hit a low in 2005 and a pack of camel cigs just one jack short of a full pack.

    • Chipwooder

      I would laugh, except….*sigh* so do we.

      Look, it’s either I accept the wife’s Kinkade obsession, or we get divorced. If I tell her it’s me or the kitschy calendars, my bags are packed.

      • Idle Hands

        Look it sounds like her terms are acceptable. Could have a shitload of cat artwork or dolls.

      • Mojeaux

        Kinkade may be kitschy, but it’s calming and soothing kitsch. Nostalgia for what never was.

      • Caput Lupinum

        “Nostalgia for what never was”

        Oddly, English has a word for that feeling, anemoia.

      • UnCivilServant

        Words are invented all the time.

        The real flaw is that it doesn’t sound as good as the phrase.

      • Mojeaux

        The real flaw is that it doesn’t sound as good as the phrase.

        That.

      • Caput Lupinum

        It’s perfectly cromulent, and very easy to grok.

      • robc

        My problem with grok is that people use it wrong. You can’t say something like “I sort of grok that.”

        There is no middle ground with grok.

      • UnCivilServant

        Go grok yourself with your absolutism.

      • Not Adahn

        What if you drink deeply, but then choke and vomit everything back up?

      • commodious spittoon

        I suffered anemoia once but the ointment cleared it up.

      • AlexinCT

        I thought that was the one that required a shot?

      • Chipwooder

        That is exactly it. She sits in front of those pictures in our madhouse of a, um, house, and imagines herself living a peaceful life in a quiet, picturesque fin-de-siecle English village.

      • Chipwooder

        Yep, that’s it

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        How many Kinkade jigsaw puzzles do you have?

      • robc

        We have at least one too many Kinkade clocks.

        My mother-in-law bought Kinkade stuff, and they are my wife’s connection to her Mom, so aren’t going anywhere.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Ask me about my FIL’s obsession with the Franklin Mint.

      • Mojeaux

        I have no Kinkade kitsch in my house. I DO have Kinkade and Kinkade-ish cross stitch patterns that will most likely never get stitched.

        I have a mix of fine art, kitsch, mementos, stitch work, knickknacks, illustration, and books, which I consider decoration as much as any art I could hang on the walls. I rotate out my art because I have so much of it.

        I buy a lot of art at art shows from small/individual artists. I am partial to watercolor.

        I have a Pisarro, but I didn’t realize how faded it was until I saw the original in the art gallery up close and personal, so that’s probably going to get retired. I hate that, though, because I took great care and time in matting and framing it.

        In the end, it all comes down to whatever catches my eye and I don’t really care if it’s kitschy or not.

      • Chipwooder

        Probably around 15.

    • Florida Man

      This was my favorite part. Poor Pence, the only non-clown, non-dementia, non-eldritch person in the room.

  5. Tundra

    Mike Pence stared at his favorite Thomas Kinkade painting and sighed.

    Damn, son. That there’s some good writin’.

    • limey

      Secondeded. Beautiful, poignant, doleful, hilarious.

      • DEG

        Beautiful.

      • limey

        Favorite kink aid

    • Unreconstructed

      My favorite line too! With some extra humor because my ex-wife is a Kinkade fan.

    • R C Dean

      Excellent. Spare, and evocative, especially in context.

  6. Sean

    Poor Astra.

  7. Idle Hands

    Sarah was his center.

    • Bobarian LMD

      His gooey caramel filling?

      • Mojeaux

        Nougat.

  8. DEG

    Kamala hit the technician again and sighed.

    She’s channeling Klobuchar?

    • Idle Hands

      Klobuchar should have been the vp.

    • limey

      Or promoted, I expect.

    • leon

      Fired. Hardly. Kyle is an evil White Supremacist Murderer. If you look at ADL and SPLC you’ll see that he was the only instigator of extremist violence during the riots protests.

    • The Other Kevin

      Kyle’s lawyer was on Twitter saying they are taking action. This could get interesting.

      • Idle Hands

        Kyle’s lawyers seem like clowns tbh.

      • Florida Man

        Isn’t he the guy that got CNN to payout to Sandman?

      • Rebel Scum

        “Nuisance Money!” – Brian Stelter

      • Not Adahn

        I have still never seen any evidence that CNN payed a dime.

      • DEG

        The settlement is probably wrapped in a NDA, so evidence of the payout, if it happened, will be hard to find.

      • Not Adahn

        Undoubtedly, but for some reason I can’t help but think “Sandmann made bank!” is nothing but wishcasting.

      • kinnath

        Viva Frei talked about this when Brian Stelter potentially broke the NDA.

        Generally, the NDA exists to keep the public from knowing how much the defendant paid (the defendant wants it) or to keep the public from knowing how little the defendant paid (the plaintiff wants it).

        The defendants paid out whether it was a couple of millions or a lot of millions.

      • AlexinCT

        I saw the big freaking nice car Kyle drives…

        I also heard he now has a couple of boaterhomes…

      • DEG

        One of Sandmann’s lawyers is on Kyle Rittenhouse’s defense team.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        They also launched suits on behalf of Nick Sandmann. I think a loud offense is necessary for stacked cases with political prisoners like Rittenhouse.

    • Rhywun

      Sigh. Is that an actual tweet, not an image as linked? I hate when they do that.

      • Mojeaux

        This is the image referenced in the tweet: https://twitter.com/LLinWood/status/1311290152619307008/photo/1

        This is what the tweet says:

        “Formal demand for public retraction is being prepared for Biden/Harris Campaign on behalf of Kyle Rittenhouse. I also hereby demand that @JoeBiden
        immediately retract his false accusation that Kyle is a white supremacist & militia member responsible for violence in Kenosha.”

      • Rhywun

        Right, I got that.

        Linking to an image of tweet taken on someone’s cell phone instead of linking to an actual tweet just makes me think it’s fake, is all.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, I see.

      • Rhywun

        Probably. In this case I was thinking maybe it’s a user on a phone instead of a real computer and linking a tweet is probably a bitch on a phone.

    • Rebel Scum

      The Kenosha Kid said specifically that he was out to “kill darkies”. It is known.

      Never mind that he was obviously attacked and only injured/killed a few Caucasians.

      • Nephilium

        Maybe they identified as darkies?

  9. Tejicano

    “Joe looked down at his applesauce and sighed.”

    Dayum! It’s like you never miss a shot.

  10. Rebel Scum

    “I miss Sarah,” Donald said and sighed.

    Kayleigh is as, if not more, vicious and easier on the eyes.

    • Idle Hands

      She’s both. I miss the daily mail photo’s of Hope Hicks.

  11. Spudalicious

    Nailed it.

  12. KibbledKristen

    The vomit factor was not as high, but this is one of my favorites!

  13. Ed Wuncler

    “Mike Pence stared at his favorite Thomas Kinkade painting and sighed.”

    I feel like Pence is the only sane one in this election. I would like to think that before Pence leaves Naval Observatory in the morning, he mutters a brief prayer and sighs heavily.

    • DEG

      #metoo

  14. Rebel Scum

    Unpresidential.

    Booker said, “It was painful. I think that if you’re not hurting or worried after what we just watched, maybe you tuned in to the wrong thing. I mean, Donald Trump came with this obesity of aggression and just like a pugnacious posturing that was just not who we want to represent us. It’s not representing the spirit of the heart of this country. And I respect a lot of what Joe Biden was trying to say and do during that election. He came far more presidential, frankly. But Donald Trump– to see a Fox News commentator have to try to constantly wrestle with the president of the United States just so Joe Biden would have time to speak. It was embarrassing to our country. And yet another example of how Donald Trump’s heart is so discordant with I think with what the heart of America is all about and what the spirit of this country is about. It was hard. It was painful.”

    Shut up, Spartacus.

    • Unreconstructed

      “obesity of aggression”? “not representing the spirit of the heart of this country”? “He came far more presidential”? Who the fuck taught this guy to speak?

      • Chipwooder

        Stanford college professors, of course.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That’s just sad.

        But it’s his truth.

    • Chipwooder

      His syntax is a mess.

    • Mojeaux

      Booker tries so hard to be a charismatic preacher, bless his heart.

      • Rhywun

        It’s so smarmy-fake – I can’t believe anybody buys that crap. And they all do it. Including most of the Pubs, when it suits them.

      • SugarFree

        He talks like dumb people think smart people talk.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        But what about his acquiescence of personal likelihoods and the dynamo-centric locus of his identification parameters?

      • limey

        Please write a Spartacus story.

    • Spartacus

      Shut up, Spartacus.

      Hey now! Don’t drag me into this.

      My proposal for future debates: when a speaker’s time is up, he has five seconds to either (a) press a button that shuts off his own microphone until it’s his turn again, or (b) fail to press the button and a live hungry tiger is released onstage.

      • kinnath

        My solution is the designated hitter rule.

        Each party nominates a hitter that stands behind the opposing candidate with a whiffle bat. If the candidate interrupts or goes past his/her time allotment, the hitter whacks the candidate with the whiffle bat.

      • Spartacus

        Are corked bats allowed?

      • kinnath

        Final debate.

        Final, one way or the other.

      • leon

        Aluminum Bats of GTFO

      • Gadianton

        Shock collars.

      • The Gunslinger

        In the major leagues they only use wood bats.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        if you may, let me amend that slightly. If they fail to press the button, or press the button too late, it gives a 10,000V shock to their scrotum, followed by the angry tiger.

      • Spartacus

        I accept that as a friendly amendment.

      • leon

        Oh sure, give the female candidates a step up there huh.

      • Brochettaward

        My proposed change would be that whoever speaks First wins. I mean, that’s all that’s really necessary. To know who is First.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s your truth.

  15. Rebel Scum

    What?

    “Well, let us hope that it really does not materialize,” she said. “You know, there are three stages – I don’t have to tell you – to elections. The period leading up, and that’s the period in which we also have early voting, what happens on Election Day, and that’s the cautionary warning that you are giving us, and then what happens after in the counting of the votes. The integrity of our elections must be maintained. Democratic or Republican, the result will be respected, but Republican and Democratic governors throughout the country, I don’t know what real role that they have unless we’re talking about just stopping the violence that the president is trying it invokes, but I do know that he is intimidating people, and that is really an argument for people to vote by mail, vote early, vote by mail.”

    “Don’t be intimidated by going to polling places and see people who look like ICE agents or law enforcement or something who might follow you home to see, you know, if you have a mixed-status home or something like that,” Pelosi said. “This is, so I’ve never seen anything like this before, but then again, we’ve never had a president before who would disregard all that the Constitution says about guardrails and the rest. A person who was just a rogue President of the United States, and it’s most unfortunate. But nonetheless, be prayerful that somebody will intervene today and say you just tipped the scale too far. I – one of my prayers is that the Republicans will take back their party. The country needs a strong Republican Party that’s done so much for our country, and to have it be hijacked as a cult at this time is really a sad thing for America also as it gives credence to white supremacists.”

    Take your meds, Nancy.

    • Florida Man

      The government is the bad guy. Vote for democrats so we can massively expand government.
      – Nancy Pelosi

      • Nephilium

        See! You do understand the issues that California, Detroit, Cleveland, Chicago, New York City, etc. are facing. It’s obstructionist Republicans!

      • l0b0t

        “Good morning… Sunday morning.”

      • KibbledKristen

        LOL

    • leon

      This is, so I’ve never seen anything like this before, but then again, we’ve never had a president before who would disregard all that the Constitution says about guardrails

      By guardrails she means: We’ve never had a president who disregarded the constitution and that i didn’t like to work with.

      • Rhywun

        I wonder what, specifically, she is referring to there.

    • R C Dean

      Don’t be intimidated by going to polling places and see people who look like ICE agents or law enforcement or something who might follow you home

      WTF? Has ICE ever staked out a polling place? Is there any reason at all why it would be inappropriate for the police to be there to, you know, prevent, oh, I dunno, a group of people with bats from standing at the entrance intimidating or even barring voters from entering?

      • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

        If they have, it should be easy to get a picture of it these days.

  16. leon

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZk6VzSLe4Y

    President Trump says white supremacist group Proud Boys should “stand-back and standby”

    White supremacist has fully moved from meaning someone who advocates the supremacy of white people to someone who is in favor of Donald Trump. This is close to when the Left called anyone who opposed the War in Syria a white supremacist.

    • Rebel Scum

      white supremacist group Proud Boys

      Aren’t they headed by a Samoan?

      • Chipwooder

        Yes, and they have a bunch of non-white members. You know, just like the Klan.

    • Not Adahn

      When I heard that clip, it sounded like “Proud Boys? (incredulity) Stand Back and stand by: (about to say something noteworthy) it’s about time someone did something about Antifa.”

      • Gdragon

        Yep I took it the way that you did Not Adahn. We must need to turn our hearing aids up to catch the dog whistles.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      Also, while the Libertarian Party is typically excluded from the debates, they were invited to send their candidate this time around, increasing Americans’ optimism for the future even further.

      *applause*

      • Tundra

        Brutal.

        I approve.

  17. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Great stuff. The closing line makes it all work.

    Scruffy Stones update: the urologist says the hospital is full of shit and that there’s little chance I’m going to pass the stone that’s kicking my ass right now. So he’s going in with the sonic blasters and retractors this afternoon.

    Accordingly, I’m loading up on the narcotics at this very moment in preparation of getting penally violated.

    • Mojeaux

      Yay! Good luck to you and your member.

    • Rhywun

      retractors

      Yikes. Better verify you’re not actually getting a sex-change.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        True story, my urologist lived in the same college dorm as I did, except a few years earlier. When they remodeled, his room became the new location for the urinals.

        Life has meaning if you know where to look for it.

      • Rhywun

        Heh

    • DEG

      This sounds like a good development despite the possible violation.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The difficult part is when my member attempts to hide in my abdominal cavity as it’s approached by devices resembling the squids in the Matrix.

      • Mojeaux

        Hallucinogens may not be indicated here.

      • commodious spittoon

        A buddy described how retracted he was due to nerves about his vasectomy… then the doctor introduced the pretty young resident who’d be sitting in for the procedure, and he shrank even more.

    • EvilSheldon

      Yow.

      Good luck, and just remember, there are a few folks out there who would pay good money for that kind of violation…

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I will be paying good money for it, unfortunately.

      • EvilSheldon

        Ouch, good point. Do you at least get a cuddle afterwards?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They have a designated “curl up in a fetal ball and cry” recovery room.

      • DEG

        That is thoughtful of them.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Good news, sort of. At least you won’t have to wait any longer.

      Good luck! We’re all counting on you.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Thank God I didn’t have the fish.

      • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

        Just take your meds and try not to think about Macho Grande.

  18. Unreconstructed

    @Not Adahn: saw you’re going to be in Texas soon – when are you coming through the Houston area? Will you have time for a meetup?

    • Not Adahn

      Current plan is to be be driving through it on I-10. Maybe lunch? The problem with this sport is mental errors will kill your score (and potentially your competitors) so I can’t add an extra day to the trip before the match.

      • Unreconstructed

        Lunch would be cool. You can reach me at [first initial][middle initial][last name]@[evil spying marketers mail service]. I’m WFH until January, so I can screw off timeshift my work for that.

      • R C Dean

        [first initial][middle initial][last name]

        *looks at nom du comment*

        *shrugs, moves on*

      • Ted S.

        Duh, his name is U.N. Reconstructed.

      • Not Adahn

        Unreconstructed is a fraternity brother of mine.

        Of course, he’s banking on me ever having learned his middle name in the first place. I’ve got a copy of the directory around here somewhere…

      • Unreconstructed

        Actually, it’s the first name you might not know. That one starts with W. The middle & last are the ones you know. Man, it has been a while, hasn’t it?

      • R C Dean

        Wellesley?

      • Ted S.

        So, another freak who goes by his middle name?

      • Not Adahn

        I remember now!

      • Nephilium
      • Not Adahn

        Whosoever-Shall-Believeth-In-Me.

        His parents were Old Order.

      • Ozymandias

        Dolores?!

        (I’m not a huge Seinfeld fan, but recognize how damn good it was. That whole episode sets up for that last moment, and it’s brilliant).

    • kbolino

      The petty politics of nouveau riche vs old money is as tiring as it ever was. They’re all waist-deep in the shit.

  19. Rebel Scum

    Heh.

    Chris had a tough night. Two on one was not surprising, but fun. Many important points made, like throwing Bernie, AOC PLUS 3, and the rest, to the wolves! Radical Left is dumping Sleepy Joe. Zero Democrat enthusiasm, WEAK Leadership!

    • leon

      Two on one was not surprising, but fun.

      Quick, i have some evidence for a new kinky and salacious dossier.

      • commodious spittoon

        I hear Trump’s been involved with a European escort for years. She’s much younger and he’s even knocked her up some undetermined number of times. And he carries on this sick affair in full view of his children and ex-wives.

  20. mikey

    “ Mike Pence stared at his favorite Thomas Kinkade painting and sighed.”.

    Perfect!

    • AlexinCT

      OK, that was hilarious.

    • Nephilium

      Shock collars?

      Remote bombs?

      One of us as the moderator?

      • The Other Kevin

        Two different candidates?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        We couldn’t be so lucky.

      • EvilSheldon

        A darkened room, half a brick each, and pay-per-view?

      • leon

        We could crowd fund paying off the national debt if, rather than an election, we just had a thunderdome where you were able to donate money for more equipment for each side, where 50% of donations went to the treasury.

      • Mad Scientist

        They won’t pay off debt with it. They’ll just find more shit to spend it on.

      • Not Adahn

        Department of Defense Advanced Bludgeoning Weapons Program?

      • EvilSheldon

        “They’ll just find more shit to spend it on.”

        I’m still okay with that.

        Two men enter; no men leave!

    • Not Adahn

      Trump must write down all his answers and have them read out by a SAG-certified wordreader. Oh, and he has to make all of his answers in the form of a question.

    • Idle Hands

      Joe Rogan lmao. Can I get you’re opinions on CBD oils? Trump you definitly should get on keto? How do each of you feel about wolves preservation? Biden are you on amphetamines? God that debate would be so entertaining.

      • leon

        I’ve seen people get upset about Joe Rogan because he’s already said he prefers Trump to Biden.

        Because, as long as they don’t go on record publicly, the journalist moderators don’t have biases.

      • Florida Man

        What is stopping Trump from giving Joe Rogan an interview. A chance to speak with a non-hostile media that is wildly popular.

      • leon

        Anyone who gives Trump a non-hostile interview is a white supremacist

      • Florida Man

        Lol. I hope people wise up and blow those kind of comments off.

  21. Gustave Lytton

    Sarah? Who is Sarah?

    • Timeloose

      Pie?

  22. Rebel Scum

    Because the one that wanted the drug test was clearly on drugs.

    Lemon said, “It wasn’t about whether Joe Biden won or whether Donald Trump won or whatever, but this— the American people lost. When the president of the united states went on that debate stage, he showed us exactly who he is. We’ve known it all along. He has said all along. We’ve known when people show you who they are, believe them. This president is insulting, Chris, he’s a liar, he’s a bully, and he is a racist, and it came out tonight.”

    Anchor Chris Cuomo said, “Their theory of the case was this; we’re going to come out and hammer him. We’re going to show that he gets addled, that he can’t keep up with the pace of Donald Trump. And that Donald Trump is mighty and strong and Joe is stuttering and weak.”

    Lemon replied, “Listen, we are in the age where people do things. I felt like I was watching a kid whose doctor had prescribed him too much Adderall.”

    Cuomo said, “Yeah, you should not be taking —you can’t just reach into the medicine cabinet and take whatever is in it and hoper it works.”

    Lemon continued, “Am I wrong? That’s how I feel. He was overly aggressive. Just — it’s like he was hopped up on — I don’t know what was going on.”

    *rolls eyes*

    If anything, Trump was actually kinda reserved.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Concern trolling doesn’t suit them.

    • kbolino

      “This president is insulting, Chris, he’s a liar, he’s a bully, […]”

      and he’s 100% a product of the media (traditional and social) landscape we live in.

      Don’t like it? Look in the mirror and change.

      • leon

        Don’t like it? Look in the mirror and change.

        This is what i want to say to all the Dem and GOP voters when the bitch about how awful congress is.

    • R C Dean

      Listen, we are in the age where people do things.

      Jeebus. This clown gets paid seven figures for his analytic and communications abilities?

    • Fatty Bolger

      Hopped up on goofballs. lmao

  23. Gustave Lytton

    Asshole bakers with strobing headlights deserve to be ran over.

      • Nephilium

        In some locations the blinking lights are mandated by laws.

      • Timeloose

        The fact that you were annoyed means that you definitely saw him. I would rather that then the “he came out of nowhere I didn’t even see him before I turned”

      • Mad Scientist

        I like to do a little weave when I come upon cross traffic that might not see me. Nothing severe, just a few left-right waggles to attract their attention. I’d rather have them wondering what the hell I’m doing than not see me.

      • Timeloose

        As do I. People are worse than ever with cell phone in the car usage now that nobody works in an office. I will waggle use my passing signal and hand and light indicators when I on surface streets in town or cities.

      • The Hyperbole

        I got a cat that way this morning. little fucker darted out of nowhere, At least I got him solid and he probably didn’t feel a thing. I still felt bad for a block or three, poor little fucker.

    • leon

      Hmmm. so i’ll put you on the “don’t bake the cake” side of the list.

    • AlexinCT

      It has worked for them before…

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Does anybody actually buy into that gold plated bullshit?

      • Mad Scientist

        People believe what they WANT to believe.

    • Rebel Scum

      Trump’s act of adjusting the microphone for Judge #AmyConeyBarrett is anything but ‘gentlemanly’. It’s simultaneously

      • Patronizing
      • Misogynistic
      • Highly sexual

      Um…

      The facial expression Trump is making is indicative of:

      • High-Adrenaline
      • Enjoyment
      • Dominant
      • Hyper-alpha
      • Inflicting

      Or concentration…

      Judge Coney Barrett’s hair adjustment behind her ears (as she looks at the microphone/Trump’s hand) indicates a need for/attempt at trying to alpha-upregulate one’s emotional tone.

      Or just adjusting her hair like girls do…

    • Ted S.

      That’s not satire?

      • Sean

        Damn you Ted S.!

    • Sean

      Wait, that’s not satire?

    • Chipwooder

      Dr. Jack Brown
      @DrGJackBrown
      ·
      Sep 26
      4/ No doubt, there will be many people who are triggered by #Trump’s expression in this particular moment. Abused children and spouses will recognize it immediately.

      #BodyLanguageExpert #BodyLanguage

      Pardon me while I laugh hysterically for a while.

  24. Mad Scientist

    We need to get SugarFree into some sort of regular steroid testing regimen. There’s just no way he can consistently hit them out of the park like this without enhancements.

    • SugarFree

      I’ll pee into, onto or around anything you want to prove I’m not. I refuse to go down in the record books with an asterisk by my name!

      • Ted S.

        Some people will pay for the privilege.

    • leon

      I love when twitter has videos that are “embarrassing” to Biden marked as “sensitive” and you have to click through to view it. Because it means some people were upset enough to flag the video.

      Stay Mad.

      • AlexinCT

        Well, these videos are picking on a guy that is a few beer cans short of a twelve pack….

    • Rebel Scum

      Nice.

    • Fatty Bolger

      “Build back better.” WTF is that supposed to mean?

      • But Enough About My Wild Culinary Fantasies

        Nothing, which is why the upper echelon of Canada’s government (I’m looking at you, Chrystia Freeland!) has adopted it as their own slogan.

  25. RAHeinlein

    United Way is advertising a “21-day equity challenge” where participants learn about racism and inequity. When will people see that organization for what it is?

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      do they care? Most facially neutral groups and companies aren’t the least bit concerned about getting in bed with leftist nonprofits.

    • Chipwooder

      I’d love to learn more about bonds!

      • Certified Public Asshat

        That’s debt not equity.

  26. leon

    PANIC! TRUMP IS UNDERMINING THE ELECTIONS! HE WON”T COMMIT TO WAIT UNTIL THE ELECTIONS WERE “INDEPENDENTLY VERIFIED” BEFORE SAYING HE HAS VICTORY!

    Of course i don’t think it really matters, because i don’t think he’s going to win.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      At this point, I agree. I think there are enough people *cough*suburban white soccer moms*cough* that vote enough bad orange man to make it tight even without the margin of fraud.

      • RAHeinlein

        My prediction is the Boomers are going to be the driving force – far too many ads “Trump’s plan will end SS in three years” and “Republicans” want to privatize, voted for an “age-tax” and want Grandma to die.

      • Ted S.

        I thought the coronavirus already killed all the Boomers.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Now that is how you rig an election.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      I have the same opinion, but then again I thought that in 2016 too. One thing I know for certain is if he loses, you won’t have Republicans rioting all over the country. To their credit, by and large Republican voters do not behalf like animals because they didn’t get their way.

      • Mad Scientist

        Republicans usually wait to behave like animals until after they get their way.

      • kbolino

        The Democrats aren’t rioting, they are just giving cover to the rioters. I don’t know how the felons who comprise the bulk of Antifa blackshirts would vote if they could (be bothered to), but I also don’t think it matters much. Their life aspiration isn’t to be dutiful voters for a particular party; that’s a white-collar upper-middle-class pastime. They’re in it for the thrill of cracking skulls. There’s no charismatic thug in the national party apparatus to corral the horde and direct their energies. The DNC is no NSDAP; Biden is no Kingfish.

        On the flip side, there’s enough “disaffected” Trump voters/supporters that I wouldn’t rule anything off the table. Hell, there’s probably a number of people who’d be willing to riot no matter how the election goes.

  27. kinnath

    https://claremontreviewofbooks.com/the-weak-leading-the-woke/

    Be that as it may, the worst parts of Biden’s reputation were not concocted by his enemies. His unforced errors really did provide the raw material, time and again. The belief that Biden is “dumb or a lightweight,” Politico has recounted, “took hold” during his first presidential campaign. Under a torrent of derision, Biden was forced to withdraw in 1987 after giving speeches that appropriated, without attribution, a British politician’s autobiographical particulars as though they were his own. (Biden dropped out of the race, David Letterman explained, “to spend more time with [his] imaginary coalminer relatives.”) Along the way, he exaggerated his academic achievements and berated a voter who asked about them: “I have a much higher I.Q. than you do, I suspect.”

    The problem did not begin in 1987, however. It was there all along. Although every politician says things quickly regretted, Biden’s unforced errors are sui generis. The New Yorker’s Eric Lach wrote that they don’t really qualify as “gaffes”—political opinions blurted out that are more prudently concealed, such as Hillary Clinton’s reflections on the deplorables.

    Rather, a Biden talk on the wild side entails not self-wounding candor but acute cerebral-larynx disengagement. As a child, Biden overcame a bad stutter. It frequently seems that he did so through a Faustian bargain that afflicted him with Tourette’s Syndrome: he speaks fluently and at great length, even by Washington standards, but utters things that are baffling, bizarrely inappropriate, or both.

    In a notorious 1974 interview in the Washingtonian, for example, Biden praised his first wife, Neilia, killed in an auto accident the month after his 1972 election victory. He called her “my very best friend, my greatest ally, my sensuous lover,” with whom he had a “sensational” marriage, “from sex to sports.” Neilia had “the best body of any woman I ever saw,” Biden said, and reminisced about his ability to “satisfy her in bed.” He was eager to remarry, Biden explained, because “I want to find a woman to adore me again.”

    • AlexinCT

      Sounds like a stupid multiplier gone into hyper-drive.

  28. Yusef drives a Kia

    iOT, but some signage came in the mail today, I got Sister a yard sign she wanted, and I got some stickers, just to say Fuck Off Slaver!,
    https://photos.app.goo.gl/vqvnZdwVpBVm2K777

    • Fatty Bolger

      Ha, love the Steve Smith sticker.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        had that for a while, the questions I get to answer….

    • UnCivilServant

      That’s a suspicious number of stickers.

      • R C Dean

        I had to double check the badge. I was afraid Yusef actually drives a Subaru.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Hey Now! I’m NOT a fucking Hippie Commie, C’mon Man!

      • Not Adahn

        That plate bracket has an FM frequency that seems suspiciously public radio-ish.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Claremont College, So Cal, the best station in the World! 62 years doing all kinds of great music, very pricy school, no public funding for the station, no fundraising, ever

  29. Timeloose

    College Football is Racist!!!

    “The world needs college football!” exclaimed a fellow Buckeye as his face lit up with joy upon hearing the news. After months of deliberation and planning, the Big Ten finally announced the fate of college football in the age of COVID-19: the fall season is slated to kick off on the weekend of Oct. 24. Although many concerns remain about the health and safety of players and spectators, we happen to agree: college football may be an essential element of our functioning democracy.”

    https://www.insidehighered.com/views/2020/09/24/college-football-can-help-americans-get-through-current-difficult-times-opinion

    I’m sorry i’m a racist please don’t hurt me!!!!

    https://www.insidehighered.com/views/2020/09/29/author-apologizes-inside-higher-ed-article-he-recently-wrote-opinion

    “It doesn’t. I was wrong. And even worse, I was uninformed, ignorant and harm inducing.”

    • R C Dean

      That’s embarrassing as hell. A textbook struggle session, preserved forever on the internet. I hope they put that in front of him in a darkened room with two battered metal chairs on either side of a scarred wooden desk, a single bare lightbulb swinging overhead, and told him to sign it or he would never see his family again. The idea that an adult would voluntarily write and publish that fills me with disgust.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      That dude sits when he pees now.

    • R C Dean

      Interesting that the site no longer allows comments.

    • SugarFree

      I’d rather have been fired than write that.

      I’d rather have been beaten and driven from my home and family than write that.

      I’d rather have come to work with a gun than write that.

      • Sean

        I’d rather have come to work with a gun than write that.

        Uh, what?

        One of those things is not like the others.

      • Not Adahn

        Have to.

        SF hates bank security guards.

      • Sean

        ?

      • Rebel Scum

        Work in a dangerous neighborhood? Forced to work at gunpoint?

      • Sean

        As someone who came to work with a gun, it struck me as odd.

      • SugarFree

        He was obviously threatened into writing this humiliating piece of ass cancer. I honestly think I’d rather shoot a couple of “antiracists” than grovel at this level.

      • SugarFree

        I’m crazy. I’m deranged. Look at the stuff I write.

      • EvilSheldon

        Sadly, I don’t think he was threatened. It’s too sincere. There’s none of the, “It is regrettable that some people were offended” tone that might indicate a shape-up-or-ship-out meeting with the tenure committee.

      • SugarFree

        It reads like an antiracist mad-libs that he filled in a few personal details.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Some of these effete academics wade into these topics knowing full well they’ll cause controversy and they have a planned mea culpa already written. I suspect this is one of these.

    • Mad Scientist

      Matthew J. Mayhew is the William Ray and Marie Adamson Flesher Professor of Higher Education at Ohio State University.

      Sheesh. After all that apologizing, he can’t even be bothered to put in a THE where appropriate. Sloopy will be displeased.

    • Timeloose

      How can you show your face to your wife and kids, your friends, and your peers after that. If he had done something really wrong it might make some sense to apologize like that. That is worse than some murders have said before sentencing.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Gad Saad addresses the article complete with some mild but literal self-flagellation:

      https://youtu.be/7Bk9BmU0k2Y

      • leon

        Gross.

        Oh. Flagellation.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Harrumph, hows this fine site going to keep its family friendly rating if everyone’s mind is in the gutter?

    • commodious spittoon

      Silver lining: anyone who sees this who isn’t already a Marxist cretin will be disgusted. They do themselves no favors forcing these bizarre confessions out of people.

    • EvilSheldon

      I cannot shake the creepy feeling that Matt had a very satisfying masturbation session while writing that article.

      Like, not trying to yuck your yum, pal. But it’s gross and impolite to put your fetishes out in public like that.

    • The Other Kevin

      In the translation he calls him John Biden lol.

    • Rebel Scum

      Burn.