The Hat and The Hair: Episode 171

by | Oct 7, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 302 comments

 

“I knew I was stronger than this, that I could beat this, that no China Virus could take me out,” Donald said and began coughing and coughing open-mouthed until a barbell shaped hunk of phlegm shot out, spinning, the ends orbiting each other until it hit wallpaper and stuck.

“He’s cured,” said the hat deadpanned.

“At least he’s not puking McNuggets everywhere any longer,” the hair said, his voice muffled by the dozen surgical masks in which he was entombed.

“I will challenge Sleepy Joe to another debate, brand him a coward if he refuses, expose him as a weak old man afraid of catching the flu!”

Laughing hollowly and coughing horribly, Donald waddled over to his desk and slammed his hand down on the Diet Coke button in triumph.

“Hey,” Donald said, “Where is it?”

“Where’s what?” the hair asked.

“Where’s my Diet Coke?” Donald mashed the button again and then again.

“They haven’t stocked it since they quarantined you in here,” the hat said. “Everyone in the building is sick.”

“All of them?” Donald asked.

“Well, Patient Zero gets around, if you know what I mean,” the hat said.

“You didn’t seem to mind when she wore you into the bathroom,” the hair said, rolling his cocoon of masks off the desk.

“I was a perfect gentleman,” the hat said. “I only listened to Hope poop.”

“But there’s no Diet Coke,” Donald said sadly, still hitting the button on his desk.

“I’m sure they can send one up from the kitchen through the pneumotube,” the hat said.

“They get all shooken up in the tube,” Donald said, his voice morose.

“Don’t get upset, Donald,” the hair said. “Save your strength for Tweeting during the Vice President debate.”

“No! It’s not fair!” Donald said sobbingly.

“Maybe you should take a nap,” the hair said.

“I don’t need a nap!” Donald said, flashing to anger. “I’m not some sick old man like Joe Biden.” He sneezed suddenly a long rope of snot hung from his nose until he wiped it away with his sleeve.

“Donald, at least set down for a little while and I’ll try and get you a Diet Coke,” the hat said.

“No!” Donald shouted and coughed. “I need a Diet Coke now. I DESERVE a Diet Coke for all I do for this ungrateful nation of whiners and hypochlamydiacs!”

Donald stomped over to the Oval Office door and held up The Finger of Resolution. “I’m going to get a Diet Coke and then I’m going to the balcony to give a speech so good it will make Madonna shit her pussy!”

“Madonna?” the hair asked quietly.

“Eva Peron,” the hat whispered.

“Why won’t this door open?!?” Donald demanded. “I will not be held a prisoner! I am not sick! I am the strongest President! The strongest!”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

302 Comments

  1. Rebel Scum

    coughing open-mouthed until a barbell shaped hunk of phlegm shot out, spinning, the ends orbiting each other until it hit wallpaper and stuck.

    HnH always just in time for my lunch break!

    • WTF

      Yeah, right up front he hits us with that one.

  2. Tundra

    Donald stomped over to the Oval Office door and held up The Finger of Resolution.

    Priceless.

  3. Rebel Scum

    nation of whiners and hypochlamydiacs!

    Heh.

    • Not Adahn

      Yeah. Le mot juste.

    • Gender Traitor

      My new favorite word.

      • Tres Cool

        I vow to use that in a sentence with a co-worker by week’s end.

      • WTF

        I’ve been working “chucklefucks” into my conversation wherever possible.

  4. leon

    “Madonna?” the hair asked quietly.

    “Eva Peron,” the hat whispered.

    I’m crying, but not for argentina. Beautiful.

  5. Suthenboy

    If Biden wins SF will have to write a Creepy Joe version by candle light with charcoal on crumpled paper lunch bags so the rest of the Glibs in the camp can read it.

    • leon

      How do we make sure we end up at the same camp?

    • CPRM

      No cartoons in the camps. My hands are too arthritic to hand draw anymore 🙁

      • Swiss Servator

        Do shadow puppetry. You know, on the side of our huts.

      • Hyperion

        You think we’re getting paper in there? Hah! You’ll have to use your rock breaking chisel to chisel it onto the cold hard concrete walls.

    • KibbledKristen

      OMG WTF

    • commodious spittoon

      From the replies. Carnies? I’d’ve never guessed.

      • Not Adahn

        If you wanted to distribute counterfeit money, being a carnival vendor would be a great way to do it.

      • CPRM

        The ring won’t even fit over the $100 bill!!

  6. KibbledKristen

    hypochlamydiacs

    • Count Potato

      I think that’s getting the clap from dirty needles.

      • Not Adahn

        Nah, it’s when you have just a little venereal disease.

      • DEG

        It’s like being a little bit pregnant.

      • Bobarian LMD

        In the H&H Universe, it’s anyone who thinks chlamydia is a real venereal disease.

  7. Count Potato

    “THREAD: Today, California’s new #COVID19 “health equity” metric takes effect, mandating that counties must demonstrate that they are “eliminating disparities in levels of transmission” amongst minority & poor communities, or they will not be allowed to reopen any further.”

    https://twitter.com/BillFOXLA/status/1313539328048459776

    OFFS!!

    • leon

      What more evidence do we need that the COVID response is authoritarian political theatre. They laughed at us when we said the powers the government was grabbing they would not part with. They promised Cincinatus and we got Ceaser.

    • KibbledKristen

      So basically black folks need to be held prisoner until this thing goes away. Not racist at all.

      • CPRM

        So basically black folks need to be held prisoner until this thing goes away. Not racist at all.

      • Drake

        White man’s burden.

    • Sean

      The state will incorporate the California “Healthy Places Index” (HPI) into its decision making for county reopenings. The HPI measures numerous things, including two parent households, voting, alcohol availability, retail density, clean air & water, and “tree canopy”

      Say what now?

      • CPRM

        You ain’t really Black, you got two parents and a tree!

      • grrizzly

        Nothing. Americans are pussies. They obediently do what they are told.

      • Ted S.

        They should say Sukkot is a Black Lives Matter celebration.

      • R C Dean

        So the lockdowns have officially transitioned from “fight the Commie Cough” to “we will punish you for failing to meet arbitrary and everchanging lifestyle requirements”.

      • Suthenboy

        *Checks to see if Dean is wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes*

      • Bobarian LMD

        Who, disguised as mild mannered hospital lawyer, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the Iron Laws!

      • Nephilium

        alcohol availability

        Is this a positive or a negative in their mind?

      • R C Dean

        Since people enjoy alcohol, I’m sure its a negative.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        liquor-store non-desert

      • Nephilium

        Home brewing is a human right!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Sez Jimmy Carter.

      • Nephilium

        Toxteth:

        It happened long after Carter. He got it legalized on the Federal level, some states still had restrictions up until 2013.

        Home distilling is still illegal on the Federal level (for alcohol; water and essential oils are permitted). I believe New Zealand is the only country to have legalized home distillation, but that could have changed in the past couple of years.

      • Rhywun

        Guessing a negative because one of the things they’re always whining about is poor neighborhoods have too many liquor stores.

      • Brochettaward

        Black people are still obese even though they live in food deserts. I don’t think moving the liquor stores a few miles into the white neighborhoods is going to make a difference in their levels of alcoholism.

      • Rhywun

        Hey, if it works in NYC to keep the Jews from going out of their pens and shopping in my neighborhood…

      • Suthenboy

        Holy shit, talk about racial (cultural) stereotyping.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Let’s see. No state liquor monopoly so alcohol is pretty much available everywhere. Tree canopy is slightly missing in the 4m+ acres that have burned so far.

      • commodious spittoon

        Sounds like the state needs to forfeiture that burned-out land. Oh, how much does it already own?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Maybe they should use undergrowth as a metric, since that seems to be where the problem is.

      • EvilSheldon

        ‘Healthy Places Index’ is making me flashback to reading This Perfect Day back in high school…

      • Not Adahn

        retail density</blockquote

        New Urbanist 4lyfe.

      • Not Adahn

        Ah, that’s nice to be able to see how I fucked up the tag.

      • kbolino

        After blowing past the original 14-day deadline to flatten the curve, it has blatantly been about shoving whatever policy and power grabs they can get away with in under the guise of emergency powers. The courts will ensure that it becomes legal and permanent.

    • Rebel Scum

      That sounds explicitly racist and unworkable.

      • EvilSheldon

        That’s a feature, not a bug.

      • Suthenboy

        IOW, it means what we say it means today.

      • limey

        Isle of Wight?

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      What is the legal fig leaf for this? How can the state of these variables be changed overnight? How can the richer zip codes affect the poorer ones even voluntarily? Aside from chalking BLM murals on bike paths.

    • B.P.

      Perhaps California can sponsor a bunch of tightly packed jam-band concerts, home-and-garden shows, farmer’s markets, etc., so that white people infection numbers go up, thus “eliminating disparities in levels of transmission.”

    • Hyperion

      So, we’re locking you down until you get woke?

      Not at all Orwellian.

      • KibbledKristen

        They’re gonna lock black people down until white people get woke. Justice!!

  8. Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

    I just watched the episode of The Boys where The Deep is having a conversation with his gills. It made me think of the The Hat and the Hair.

      • Fatty Bolger

        I was loving his arc until the not scientologists got involved.

      • Brochettaward

        There’s nothing edgy about mocking Scientology. It’s not new, and most people don’t care about that weird little cult. Hollywood cares about it because it’s mostly brainless Hollywood hacks who join it. And Hollywood is self-obsessed.

    • The Other Kevin

      I was so sure there was no collusion between Putin and Trump. Then I see this. Now I’m questioning everything.

      • CPRM

        It does sound like 76D trolling Trump’s supporters often allude to.

      • Sean

        The Russian leader even argued that the values of the Democrats were similar to those of the Soviet Communist Party,

        Well, he’s not wrong there.

        Plus, Joe’s already bought and paid for.

      • R C Dean

        The Russians have learned how easy it is disrupt the US government and civil society. This is just Putin shit-stirring, because he knows our broken media and political system will do his work for him.

      • Rebel Scum

        If there was Russian interference in the 2016 election then the msm helped them achieve their ends beyond their wildest dreams.

    • Suthenboy

      “The Russian leader even argued that the values of the Democrats were similar to those of the Soviet Communist Party.”

      Parody or not they misspelled ‘identical’.

      In my present memory I have never used drugs but I am beginning to think I may have addled my brain with hard drugs and am presently living in some kind of alternate reality.

      Just spit balling here but I am thinking the Dems will say this is just Putin trying to turn voters off on Biden so that his stooge Orange Man Bad will get re-elected.

      • Brochettaward

        The Democrats won’t ever address this because the media will dutifully fail to report on it in the first place.

    • R C Dean

      Before I hovered over the link, I was dead certain this was the Bee.

      • EvilSheldon

        You and me both.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I had to click through the Breibart article to Bloomberg before I wasn’t certain it was satire.

        Love how Putin also throws in the longtime Soviet ties to the black community.

      • Suthenboy

        Here also and like TOK above I cant decide if this is reality or parody or made up bullshit.

      • SandMan

        Did the same thing!

  9. DEG

    “Maybe you should take nap,” the hair said.

    Typo or did the Russians get at The Hair?

    • CPRM

      ? That one sounds totally Hair to me? If anything, the previous Hair line about tweeting would be where I would say SF may have made one of his famous misattributions. But, I’m not one to question the Master of the Elder Gods.

      • Not Adahn

        It’s missing article.

      • CPRM

        I just thought he was going Downton Abbey, like go to hospital.

      • DEG

        Yes, it’s the missing article that I picked up on.

      • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

        Maybe it’s imitating Melania. Be best.

    • Ozymandias

      “Maybe you should take dirt nap.”

      In Mother Russia, Nap take you.

    • leon

      The Hair is the Russian source that CNN was talking about!!!

    • db

      Duboff is ready! … To take Nap!

  10. leon

    Just listend to yesterdays Tom Woods show off the recomendation of some glibs. It is very good.

    It’s really sad how much we’ve allowed the media to propogandize us (the people) into thinking that these lockdowns are necessary. There is no science behind it.

  11. Rebel Scum

    Britain’s “conservative” pm.

    “And there is one area where we are progressing with gale force speed; and that is the green economy, the green industrial revolution that in the next ten years will create hundreds of thousands if not millions of jobs.

    “I can today announce that the UK government has decided to become the world leader in low cost clean power generation – cheaper than coal, cheaper than gas; and we believe that in ten years time offshore wind will be powering every home in the country, with our target rising from 30 gigawatts to 40 gigawatts.

    “You heard me right. Your kettle, your washing machine, your cooker, your heating, your plug-in electric vehicle – the whole lot of them will get their juice cleanly and without guilt from the breezes that blow around these islands.

    • CPRM

      If we had rain power he might be onto something.

    • Suthenboy

      How many people in the UK have frozen to death because of lack power so far? I forget the number….

      Like socialism this nonsense gets pushed over and over in spite of spectacular failures.

      • limey

        Well, I currently have no heating, but to be fair, it’s not a government problem.

    • limey

      I really don’t like wind farms. They are everywhere. Driving cross country it’s like they’re always visible at some distance in at least one direction. Maybe they’re a good idea, maybe not, but I’m in the “fUcK wInDmILlS” camp, at least the land-based ones, because they take up a huge amount of land that could otherwise be used for farming, housing, nature conservation, leisure, any number of things, instead of a highly inefficient boondoggle “green energy” scheme that ruptures bat lungs, decapitates migrating waterfowl, and stands proudly against the horizon as a monument to the hubris and stupidity of central planning. Boris is a full-on convert to big government, a centrally-planned economy, and like any and all despots before him, reducing freedom to merely a word. Maybe a touch dramatic.

      • Rhywun

        I had no idea he would move in this direction. He’s basically Cuomo or Newsome with a different accent at this point.

      • limey

        Say what you want about Newsome and Cuomo but at least they have reasonably good haircuts.

    • kbolino

      A while ago I said the Tories had to pick a side in Brexit and stick to it if they wanted to stay in power, and it seems I was right and they did. What I did not intend was for that argument to be reduced to its bare absurdity and for them to chuck everything identifiably conservative out along the way. Though, to be fair, that process was afoot before even Brexit became a reality. Thatcher was no Goldwater, but the present-day Tories can’t hold a candle to Thatcher except perhaps for hubris.

  12. Rebel Scum

    The Stache hath spoken.

    Recently, I released a video that called California’s fires “government fueled.”

    A few days later, Facebook inserted a warning on my video: “Missing Context. Independent fact-checkers say this information could mislead.”

    Some of my viewers now feel betrayed. One wrote: “Shameful, John… what happened to you!!? Your reporting was always fair… (but) your… fires story was so… unfair, even Facebook tagged it.”

    A “fact-check” from Facebook carries weight.

    Worse, Facebook says that because my video is labeled misleading, it will show my content to fewer people.

    This kills me. My news model counts on social media companies showing people my videos.

    I confronted the fact-checkers. That’s the topic of my newest video.

    • Brochettaward

      I truly pity the person who puts stock in what Facebook “fact checkers” say.

      • commodious spittoon

        Goes to alternative media to sidestep the legacy media gatekeepers (fair enough), but trusts the new media gatekeepers implicitly because……..

    • tarran

      . My news model counts on social media companies showing people my videos.

      Well, that’s a huge mistake.

      The pathetic thing about all of this; the social media companies are essentially hoovering up data for the enemy. Using Facebook, twitter etc is about as silly as the WW II British Army to using the daily German Enigma codes to encrypt British radio communications.

  13. Surly Knott

    Hey Mojeaux, I saw your remark about a serger in the previous thread. You might check the local library system to see if they have something like ‘The Library of Things.’ Mine does and they have a serger, among many other odd and useful items.

    • Gender Traitor

      Odd? Picked mine up at Walmart. Came in very handy when I was making a dress from lightweight woven fabric prone to unraveling.

      Of course, I’m odd, so…

    • Mojeaux the Magnificent

      Ooh, thanks! I wouldn’t have thought of that. Serge-finishing “looks” more professional than regular old zig-zag, but I don’t sew that much anymore and when I do, it’s just for me.

      Still, OCCASIONALLY I wish I had a serger.

      • kinnath

        I’ve lost count, but I think my wife has 6 or 7 sewing machines.

      • Mojeaux the Magnificent

        I just have one very basic sewing machine for when I feel like making an outfit I want but can’t find, or else a craft.

  14. creech

    Guys, it just feels like it is over. One would almost think Trump has deliberately sabotaged his campaign with his ChiComCough antics. Seems like he will have to live with being the guy who ushered in the Harris Pinko regimes that put the nail in U.S.A.’s coffin as a republic based on individual liberty. Sad. Sad. Sad.

    • leon

      I’m wondering how many wars a President Harris will start. Having a strong female president will be great!

      • Hyperion

        There won’t be any left to start, Biden and Hillary will start all of them before he’s locked in the basement.

      • Swiss Servator

        You two really are demoralized aren’t you?

      • leon

        I’m a perfectly moral person thank you very much.

        I just don’t really console myself by saying “the polls are bullshit”. I’m not really distraught either. There is nothing i can do to make it go one way or the other, and so i continue my life. But if you’re going to ask for my prediction, i’m going to call it as i see it, and all the data before me points to Biden winning.

    • Brochettaward

      Trump is playing his case of Covid the same way a number of politicians who came down with it have. Bolsonaro for instance used it to play up his tough guy image.

      I really don’t see what he should have done. The media would attack him no matter what, but actually projecting calm and showing people that Covid isn’t some death sentence was his best possible course of action.

      • Hyperion

        Bolsonaro getting stabbed by a radical lefty was a real Trump card. He probably was already going to win, but that made is a near landslide.

      • Hyperion

        Also, Brazilians and the rest of Latin America are not nearly as wussifed as America is now, yet.

      • kbolino

        The media would attack him no matter what

        This is the first and foremost rule of TDS. It does not matter what he says or does, because the media has already chosen the narrative and they will use a selective mix of half-truths and oft-repeated falsehoods to make it stick. If he died it would be justice, if he suffered it would be deserved, if he quarantined it would be hypocrisy, if he did nothing it would be gaslighting, if he was triumphant it would be downplaying, if he spoke solemnly and at length from their own script it would be ignored.

      • Fatty Bolger

        It’s exactly what people want to see, and the people attacking him know it. You can tell, because most of the criticism has been about how it was irresponsible and dangerous, he’s tricking people, he’s faking it, and so on. These things all assume that Trump’s messaging is effective.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Nah, be of good cheer and realize that the polls are fucking horseshit. Another EC win and popular vote loss incoming.

    • grrizzly

      Are you in charge of demoralizing Glibs now? JB used to be pushing the received narrative here. But he couldn’t take it anymore. What did Trump do this time that would have any effect on somebody who was considering voting for him in the first place?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        He’s just worried and pessimistic I think which is understandable if you think everyone’s buying into the narrative. It’s hard not to be but that’s what the media demoralization campaign is all about.

      • Rebel Scum

        Hillary Clinton has a 99% chance of winning.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Pretty much…don’t even bother wasting your time voting righties, it’s already over.

      • kbolino

        I think people need to decouple their morale from the election. You can’t control or predict the outcome, don’t hitch your wagon to something so mercurial.

      • kbolino

        Thanks.

        Good article, terrible comments.

    • Sean

      Dude, even with epic cheating from the commies, Trump’s got this so far.

    • LJW

      At this point I’m just hoping the Republicans can hold the senate. If they don’t it’s going to get real bad, especially if they go for the guns.

      • Mad Scientist

        Molon labe

      • Rebel Scum

        especially if they go for the guns.

        You can write the law. But you can’t enforce it. Not that they won’t try anyway.

      • WTF

        They won’t have the votes to override a Trump veto.

      • DEG

        Bump stock ban.

        I see Trump signing some gun control laws like a Red Flag law.

      • R C Dean

        At this point I’m just hoping the Republicans can hold the senate

        It sure looks like gun-grabber crypto-leftie Mark Kelly is going to win the AZ race, so that’s one Repub loss.

        Naturally, our idiot Repub legislature and governor have done exactly nothing to clean up the ballot harvesting that put Sinema in office. Because they are weak, and stupid.

    • kinnath

      There are no undecideds at this point. People vote for Trump or vote for Biden. The debates mean nothing. The polls mean nothing.

      The only thing that is important right now is the judges in swing states that are enabling vote-fraud.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Just one of the many reasons it’s so important to jam Barrett in there no matter what.

      • l0b0t

        UGH… And, just like Kavanaugh, she is a terrible choice but the antics of the left cause me to cheer for her.

      • R C Dean

        Why do you say that? From what I can tell, she’s pretty good on gun control, and seems dead set against “living Constitution” claptrap.

      • l0b0t

        To be quite honest, all I know of her is from Robert Barnes and Viva Frei on the DerpTube videos. Barnes points to her legal writings that, almost exclusively, defend and advocate for stare decisis and her pro-ChiComPox lockdown concurrence on some 7th circuit (IIRC) case. He fears she will be another Roberts and always lean in favor of state power.

      • l0b0t

        Thanks Trashy. Yeah, she certainly seems better than many other nominees and far and away better than anyone who would conceivably be under consideration by a Biden-Harris admin. I do think there were several better option, from an individual-liberty perspective, but they would certainly have a harder time getting through the process. But, if you’re gonna have to ram a choice through regardless, might as well make it a good one.

      • kinnath

        It’s Barret or nothing before the election.

        A bush in the hand is worth two on the street.

      • Not Adahn

        There are no undecideds at this point. People vote for Trump or vote for Biden.

        *ahem*

      • kinnath

        Multiple minor parties on state ballots across the nation.

        None of them will change the outcome.

        I say this as a lifelong voter that doesn’t show up in the vote totals on the front page of the newspaper.

    • EvilSheldon

      I suggest having a beer and hugging your dog.

      But I always suggest that.

      • kinnath

        Two new puppies in the house.

        It’s Indian summer in Iowa right now. So, I sit on the back patio and watch the puppies play in the grass. My blood pressure is down a few points this week.

      • EvilSheldon

        I don’t believe you. Let’s see some photographic proof.

      • Sean

        Adorbs.

      • Not Adahn

        I wants.

        I might get away with having them indoors at that size.

      • kinnath

        They are at 9 weeks. The boy is 5 1/2 lbs and the girl is 4 3/4 lbs. At adulthood they will be 25-30 lbs.

        They will be 14 to 16 inches tall at the shoulder.

        We have had shelties for 25 years or so. They do just fine in the house.

      • Not Adahn

        I’ve always had herding-type dogs, but outside.

        The Swiss Shepherd lived mostly indoors except when I was at work.

      • EvilSheldon

        Awwww!

      • l0b0t

        OMG! So floofy and cute.

      • Sensei

        Right. That said puppies are so much work.

      • kinnath

        Yes puppies are a lot of work.

        But we are working from home right now. So it’s a lot easier to deal with.

      • slumbrew

        Right. That said puppies are so much work.

        New pup is indeed adorbs but:

        1) she swings her tail like nightstick
        2) she’s been waking up around 4:30 in her crate and wagging said tail

        It’s like a prisoner pounding on the bars.

        Really, she just wants to snuggle, but I could use some more sleep.

        (alternate theory – she may be cold; might need a crate blanked / heated pad)

      • DEG

        Nice!

      • commodious spittoon

        The only animal around is a juvenile cat who turns into a bloodletter when he’s excited, which is usually.

    • Sean

      CommaLa has a great opportunity tonight to torpedo poor Joe’s campaign. Let’s hope she does a good job of it.

    • robc

      I thought the polls showed him getting the WuFlu helped him?

    • R C Dean

      Its a month until the election. This will barely be a distant memory by then. Remember, we still have the three-ring Senate SCOTUS circus coming up.

      • Hyperion

        The democrats will have their Karen screechers outside, clawing at the doors like wild animals.

  15. Hyperion

    From the dead thread, in case anyone is still curious about the wonderfully accurate history of the betting odds.

    <a href="Betting Odds“>The Betting Odds

    Only about 7 to 1 odds against the Trumpster last time, so he’s doomed for sure this time.

    • Hyperion

      Well, I get the prize for the most fucked up link that still works.

    • leon

      We’ll see. But now we know that they were wrong last time.

      • leon

        sheesh.

        Now we know they were wrong last time, so they should have updated their premises when making the odds.

    • robc

      The betting markets turned, in my opinion, based on the risk of him dying. Reasonable position for bettors to take. I think they will pop back shortly to 55/45.

    • kinnath

      Twist the knife one more turn.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      As long as his fingers don’t fall off he can still assault women in one of his preferred manners (allegedly of course).

      • SugarFree

        This why Biden tweets so much about leprosy.

    • CPRM

      Meh, that joke was funnier when I made it a month ago about the hair freaking out when reports of hair loss as a secondary symptom came out.

  16. Lackadaisical

    this ungrateful nation of whiners and hypochlamydiacs

    Is he wrong though?

    • CPRM

      I, as a celibate, have no fear of Chlamydia, I’d like you to know. He said meekishly for fear of being made fun of.

      • Brochettaward

        You haven’t been exposed to my super sperm. Tubes tied? They’ll find a way.

      • Drake

        Knew a guy in the service who had a condom baby, a diagram baby, and a pill baby. Not sure if he went on to have vasectomy or tubal ligation babies.

      • Brochettaward

        If my sperm were in a race with his sperm, my sperm would win. They’d be First.

      • l0b0t

        Admittedly, I don’t care for the whole first at commenting thing, but, credit where it’s due, that was risible.

      • Rebel Scum

        A lesson lost to the anals of history.

      • Bobarian LMD

        That would be tougher to accomplish than a vasectomy baby.

      • Gdragon

        Autocorrect gotcha 😉

        I remember an old episode of “The Wonder Years” where they had a pretty new teacher leading their shitty glee club and I died laughing as she kept singing “Remember to use your diaphragm!”

      • The Last American Hero

        A guy named Tom Leykis made a fortune having people on his show claiming failed birth control, and under close questioning they almost always admitted that they didn’t use the condom/use it properly or the pills were not taken.

        Diagrams don’t prevent babies, unless it’s an attempt to illustrate a Sugarfee story.

      • Mad Scientist

        Tooooooooom Leykis!

      • Bobarian LMD

        This diagram would stop a lot of pregnancies.

      • Nephilium

        You’re not Kal-El. (text NSFW, it’s an old Niven essay).

    • kbolino

      Uh, well, I don’t think there’s such a thing as not enough chlamydia…

      • Lackadaisical

        I do wish it said hyperchlamydiacs… but most people probably don’t have chlamydia, thus hypochlamydiacs?

  17. Sean

    Apparently, Chauvin made bail.

    • limey

      *blinks*

      Oh yeah, the neck-kneer from the George Floyd case. What the heck is going on with that? I remember seeing the Floyd attorney interviewed on commie news and that guy was an absolute dumpster fire-train wreck hybrid who seemed acutely detached from reality and was just grandstanding about the need for a “first degree murder” charge.

    • Drake

      Realized that they have no case for murder charges to stick?

      • Pope Jimbo

        They went with the Kitchen Sink approach to charging him.

        Chauvin was initially booked into the Ramsey County jail after he was charged in Floyd’s May 25 death, and then moved to the state prison at Oak Park Heights. He is charged with one count each of second-degree unintentional murder, third-degree murder and second-degree manslaughter.

        Something in there will stick!

        Sorry, but I think that when you are charged with a crime, they should have to pick one and stick with it. Not this scattershot bull crap.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Not this scattershot bull crap.

        Most of the time it’s not scattershot. Its usually lesser includeds. Basically it’s like “we think we can prove X, Y, and Z, which makes them guilty of crime A. However if we can only prove X and Y, they’re still guilty of crime B. If we can only prove X, theyre still guilty of crime C.”

  18. Brochettaward

    I need someone with a Twitter account to Tweet at the RedLetterMedia account. Tell that fat homo to put out some fucking content.

    • Mad Scientist

      You know it’s going to turn out that as a side effect it turns your skin orange, and no one realized it until too late.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It really has been impressive when you think about it. An old fat junk-food addict and he progressed from moderately to mildly to not ill in about five days.

      • limey

        I think I could pull that off. Orange me up, daddio.

  19. Sean

    Election security.

    A U.S. Postal Service mail carrier from Hudson County, New Jersey, was arrested for discarding mail, including 99 general election ballots sent from the County Board of Elections that were intended to be delivered to West Orange residents, U.S. Attorney Craig Carpenito announced.

    • kbolino

      I am still a little bit surprised that everyone jumped on the mail-in voting bandwagon so quickly and heavily. Everybody is all “it’s , how are we still doing ?” but then when convenient that all gets forgotten and suddenly it’s totally cool that the Pony Express is going to handle the election.

      • kbolino

        Should have been “it’s <current year>, how are we still doing <antiquated idea>?”

        How is it that WordPress has a very short list of allowed HTML tags but it also swallows anything that isn’t on that short list?

    • Sensei

      If it’s West Orange that would be 95% Biden voters.

      • Drake

        Are there Republican voters in Hudson County? Maybe Bayonne?

      • Sensei

        It’s not like you or I are going to have any influence on the NJ’s electoral vote.

      • Drake

        Sure, but once you got west into Morris County and beyond, there are visible Republicans who win local elections.

    • Brochettaward

      as protests broke out in Brooklyn overnight, leading to scenes of chaos and the injury of at least one person.

      Their frustration was reflected on the street, where video shared widely on social media showed hundreds of Hasidic men, most of them without masks, gathering after midnight and setting fires along 13th Avenue in the Borough Park neighborhood. The crowd soon turned violent, with a mob angrily swarming at least one Hasidic man they believed to be disloyal to the community.

      This must not be one of the good protests because the NYT’s is actually reporting on the violence.

      • l0b0t

        … mob angrily swarming at least one Hasidic man they believed to be disloyal to the community.

        The folk in the video are all Chabad Lubavitch, I assume they turned upon some poor Satmar schmuck who wandered into the wrong shtetle.

        FUN FACT – The flags with crown indicate that those are Messianic Lubavitchers (like my in-laws) who believe that the Rebbe is Moshiac (the late leader of their sect,
        Menachem Mendel Schneerson, is the Messiah).

      • Sensei

        Let’s not forget the Mitzvah tank. Wonder if they can modify it like the EM-50?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Mob? Violent? Chaos? Injury?

        I thought those words weren’t used for mostly peaceful protests.

      • R C Dean

        But that wasn’t a mostly peaceful protest.

        It was a (((protest))).

    • leon

      I can’t wait till you get a journo making a comparison of them burning masks with nazis burning books.

    • EvilSheldon

      Which is first to a legit political schism? The Church, or the Tribe?

    • DEG

      “They’re just a bunch of Nazi Fascists that want children to die.” – Team Blue

    • Rebel Scum
      • Sensei

        That is awesome.

    • Drake

      De Blasio managed to be on the wrong side of a Ghetto Uprising. Is it wrong to find that hilarious?

    • The Other Kevin

      Just start calling them white supremacists, and Antifa will take care of the problem.

      • R C Dean

        I think that’s probably one neighborhood antifa would be well advised to steer clear of. I suspect them’s some pipe-hitting Jews, if you cross them.

  20. AlexinCT

    Shit, I just got off a call with my manager about performance review stuff. In the middle of this thing he tells me I have neither attended nor joined any of the diversity network clubs or events nor taken any of the “recommended” classes. I immediately told him to hold on and then that I was recording the rest of the conversation, at which point he got defensive and asked why. He didn’t like my answer where I told him that I felt the current climate at work was hostile to people like me and that I wanted to make sure the company was neither going to force me to do things just because they could nor hold it against me, and that this was specifically to make sure if they forced me to seek legal redress I had my ducks in a row. The guy went all quiet and told me that not participating in these things “could have” (and man did he come back over and over to that “could have” bullshit to pretend it was not a given) for me as it would set me at a disadvantage. Mind you I consistently rate over performs and am considered by the people I get evaluated against as the asshole that ruins everyone else. If that changes this year it will not go well for these fucking people considering my record, but I am wondering if I am about to have to go through a shitshow to shut this shit down at the woke stupid company I work at.

    • UnCivilServant

      Collect all the evidence you can. I see litigation in the future.

    • Sensei

      You are a better man than I am.

      Mind you, in my case, there are no recommended classes. They are required. So they pay me and I take them. Although at the moment they are the standard harassment stuff. Nothing about diversity.

      • commodious spittoon

        As long as you’re harassing everyone equally—men, women, kids, the elderly, Asians, Mexicans, blacks, and whitey—you’re golden.

      • AlexinCT

        ^^^^THIS IS ME^^^^

    • Brochettaward

      What do you mean people like you, honky?

    • db

      Ask him to specifically state what consequences it could have and what “disadvantage” it would place you at.

      • db

        Also, make sure you have copies of all your previous appraisals. If your company keeps them in an online system, go in and make dated printouts and pdfs.

      • AlexinCT

        Oh, I have copies and all that. and when I asked for details after of course I pointed out I was recording the chat session, I got a run around.

    • kinnath

      What I learned today:

      “Equality” means treating everyone as equals.

      “Equity” means treating everyone as individuals with separate needs and concerns.

      We are putting processes in place to implement “equity”.

      I don’t want to retire yet. I don’t want to retire yet. I don’t want to retire yet.

      It may be my only option.

      • Brochettaward

        It’s funny how they redefine terms and how old standards or ideals to strive for are now shunned. Being color blind is racism. Equality isn’t good enough.

      • kinnath

        In practice, “equity” is going to mean providing extra benefits and services to certain populations.

      • R C Dean

        Exactly. Because of their “separate needs and concerns”.

      • kinnath

        Right.

        Our new C-suite officer in charge of DEI sounds exactly like a cheerleader from a high school pep squad.

        I could cope with the DEI claptrap, but I can’t stand to listen to our briefings.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        DEI should be really fucking easy to implement.

        “We want the best possible people on our team to generate maximum profit. If I get even a whiff of anybody passing on candidates or otherwise making a hostile work environment due to irrelevant characteristics like race, gender, sexual orientation, etc., I’m going to request all of your emails, IMs, and web history from IT, and I’m going to investigate whether we need to fire your ass for getting in the way of our success. We at company X leave all that bullshit at the door. And that goes for politics, too.”

      • leon

        “Equity” means treating everyone as individuals with separate needs and concerns.

        And we do this by grouping them into bins based off of sexual, racial and class groupings.

      • kbolino

        “Equity” means treating everyone as individuals with separate needs and concerns.

        If only. What it really means is assigning everyone membership in groups, creating a fantastical accounting of the intangible “assets” and “liabilities” of those groups, and then giving or taking away tangible things from that person based upon the balance of those collective accounts.

  21. l0b0t

    I’m about to eat my 8th double cheeseburger in the past 2 days. I’m hooked on these Oklahoma Onion Burgers and think I’ve finally perfected my technique after 2 days of practice/trial and error.

    • Sensei

      I believe they are kosher if you skip the bacon. 😉

      • commodious spittoon

        Isn’t there a prohibition on mixing cheese and meat of the same animal?

      • Sensei

        Yes. That’s why the smiley.

        Depending on how observant all the ingredients need to be kosher as well.

        For example there are (were?) some good kosher steak places, NYC, but the sides are a bit different. No butter or cream sauces, but whatever the heck the flavored the potatoes with worked quite well.

      • Not Adahn

        Schmaltz.

      • l0b0t

        + garlic and dill.

      • Sensei

        You know what – I think you nailed it.

        When I roast a chicken on the grill with my rotisserie I often make potatoes with the schmaltz. Never thought about it with a steak.

      • commodious spittoon

        Ahhh

        I’m never sure whether I’m talking out of my ass or half-remembering something true.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Hands off my kosher Rueben!

      • l0b0t

        Tee hee, my baby-mama, in-laws, and kids are members of the (((Tribe))) and only 1/4 of the in-laws are Hasidim but I’m a 4th generation atheist who loves almost all foodstuffs. I’m the fun uncle who takes the nephews to the range to rent machine guns and got the oldest to try bacon.

    • kbolino

      It’s not for nothing that the ethical prohibition against such judgments is called the Goldwater rule.

      The more things change, …

      • Brochettaward

        Oh ho ho. Salon is way ahead of you:

        Rhetoric and demonstrations of behavior coming out of a powerful figure, furthermore, translate into widespread imitation and deadly results for the population. Dangerousness assessments do not require a personal examination, and all physicians and mental health professionals are supposed to err on the side of safety. There is no “OLC memo” or exemption in mental health law for a president, even if that is how the American Psychiatric Association tried to misapply “the Goldwater rule.” We are bound by our professional responsibility to society by the Geneva Declaration and the core tenets of medical ethics, which are part of the law.

        See, she is ethically obligated to opine on Trump’s dangerousness. Not just that, but the word of her and her colleagues should be enough to get Trump off the ballot entirely:

        She also edited the book “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump: 37 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President” and serves as president of the World Mental Health Coalition, which plans to release a video statement by “100 mental health experts” arguing that Trump should be removed from office and the 2020 ballot, because he is dangerous and unfit. Lee also plans to publish a “Profile of the Nation” on her website, which aims to provide a “full psychological profile of Donald Trump in the context of his followers and the nation.”

      • kbolino

        Clearly the rule doesn’t apply because argle-bargle.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      If the APA was worth two thirds of a shit she’d be kicked out of the organization for an ethics violation and she’d lose any licensure she has which she won’t because they aren’t.

      • leon

        Sounds like you are suffereing from toxic whitness. Which is a new disease the APA is trying to eradicate.

      • kbolino

        Judging by the above article, a bunch of people have already left the APA and started their own shindig because apparently the prohibition on pronouncing clinical judgment on people you’ve never met was unacceptable.

      • kbolino

        (or just see what Brochettaward posted)

      • commodious spittoon

        Isn’t Rand Paul a shady scam artist, a crank, and a quack for starting his own professional certification club for ophthalmologists or whatever?

      • kbolino

        Oh, that’s not hyprocrisy because obviously the APA is compromised by whatever amount of Federal dollars they directly or indirectly receive, because obviously every organization on the Federal dole takes its marching orders straight from Donald J. Trump.

        Now, how to square that with the claim that global warming “research” is never compromised by government funding…

    • Ted S.

      Paging Dr. Chet to the white courtesy phone STAT.

  22. Rebel Scum

    Reasoned, thoughtful analysis.

    “I think this is a sad precursor of what the next 27 days are going to be like,” Deutsch said on “Morning Joe.” “I think Donald Trump is going to be an almost burn the house down mentality.”

    “[S]tarting with the unhinged performance at the debate, Donald Trump looks like a loser, smells like a loser, and I believe you’re going to see more of this abhorrent behavior, this almost self-destructive, you know, I’m going to burn everything down with me in every way you can imagine now — whether it means I’m going to try to start a war. You know, you have to take your imagination to places it hasn’t gone before. And I think yesterday’s example of literally you couldn’t do anything more self-destructive both to the country and to yourself. So that’s where I’m going, we’re heading into this burn the house down mentality. And if you want to contrast the two campaigns, if you look at the last 36 hours, you see Trump, you know, as Mussolini up on that, you know, balcony and you see what he did yesterday with the stimulus, and then you contrast Joe Biden’s speech yesterday, which was the speech of a winner.”

    • leon

      Who was it that said “Do you really think violence will get better if Trump is re-elected?”

      • Hyperion

        Everything they write screams ‘totally detached from reality’.

        I remember the day after the election when some in the leftist media were saying ‘well, I guess we need to rethink things’.

        Yeah, you rethought things and you determined that the fix is to recede even deeper into your own bubble and double down on everything that got you where you were at already.

    • R C Dean

      I think Donald Trump is going to be an almost burn the house down mentality.

      Just ignore those people who are actually, literally, setting fires.

  23. l0b0t

    I can’t stop watching these crazy Jeremy Charles Dewitte videos. Why has no irate Florida Man motorist not dragged him off that motorcycle and beaten the stuffing out of him yet?

    • Gustave Lytton

      You better figure it out right now!

      I loved the comments on one of the videos: ‘he says sergeant more than I did in my four years in the Army’

      • l0b0t

        His Chicago arrest was hilarious. Throwing chairs at a tow-truck from the 6th floor, then trying to flex his fake FL cop muscles to CPD. I’m shocked he didn’t get his teeth kicked in.

  24. Rebel Scum

    That violates several amendments.

    Some stronger gun laws is not inconsistent with our Second Amendment rights. We can respect our rights and traditions on gun ownership under the Second Amendment, and we can have stronger communities that includes things like red flag laws [and] background checks for all gun sales.

    • kbolino

      stronger communities

      Why is this always a synonym for forcing my neighbors to conform to my wishes? And, oddly enough, it always leads to the opposite result, of more brittle communities full of mistrust.

      • leon

        Because it sounds nicer than the things you said.

      • kbolino

        Everybody wants to be a dictator, nobody wants to be a citizen.

      • The Last American Hero

        No, 49% want to rule, 49% want to be ruled, and the rest of us just want to be left the fuck alone.

      • Hyperion

        It’s easy, when they say ‘we’, they mean ‘them’, not you.

      • commodious spittoon

        It’s nice they’re still talking about communities plural rather than ein Volk.

    • Hyperion

      Background checks are unconstitutional. But because everyone went along with it, we’re going to get all of the rest of this garbage until there is no allowable reason for anyone to own a gun except for government employees and peaceful protestors who will also be relived of their rights once the revolution is complete.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Federal background checks didn’t even start until the Clinton presidency except now every drive the speed limit Republican accepts them as valid law. And supposed 2A advocates like Alan Gottlieb.

      • Hyperion

        Yep. And nearly every shitbag so called republican voted for the Brady Bill. I see states saying they are 2A sanctuary states, but I’ve never heard about any of them that don’t still love unconstitutional federal gun laws. That’s the difference between dems and the GOP. When the dems say they aren’t going to enforce federal law, they don’t. Republicans are still the cowardly party.

        When I was growing up and as a young adult, everyone I knew had guns. I had never heard of a damn background check before I walked into store one day in the early 90s bought a gun and had to do one. I’m thinking WTF? And I believe that when they start going around door to door to confiscate guns, most people will be shocked, and then just willingly give them up.

        And it’s all because when they pass the next shitty federal gun law, Republicans will sign on saying ‘well, we love gun rights, except for those people’. And this will continue until ‘those people’ are everyone except law enforcement.

      • R C Dean

        I do wish there were realistic political options other than “Useless” and “Evil”.

      • Hyperion

        They’ll be saying after it’s been debunked for a millennia that the lock downs and masks are the only things that saved us from oblivion.

    • Chipwooder

      “Community” has become one of those words that automatically sets my teeth on edge regardless of the context. “Folks” is another one.

    • EvilSheldon

      This is true, and completely irrelevant.

      The number of people who give a single demonstrable fuck about the Constitution would not sell out a typical high school football game.

      • Hyperion

        Well, most people, except you deplorables are educated. And educated people know that everyone in Europe is better off and part of the reason is because they have socialism and they don’t have any guns. Sure, they have confiscatory taxes, but everything there is free and everyone is happy and I have an article from the internet that proves it. No one needs an outdated document written by racist slave owners like 100 years ago. /your most excellently educated progressive friends

      • EvilSheldon

        Wow, that’s absolutely fascinating. Now snap it up with my Egg McMuffin, buddy…

      • Hyperion

        Did the chicken have a name?

      • EvilSheldon

        I only eat animals with names.

  25. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Bravo!

  26. Scruffy Nerfherder

    *that face you make when you just spent two hours disassembling a laptop and its various ten thousand screws to get at the keyboard so you can replace it only to find out that Dell shipped you the wrong keyboard*

    • Ted S.

      10,000 screws when all you need is a knife?

      • Hyperion

        On your wedding day and you’re already late.

  27. Surly Knott

    Way off topic, and probably too late to help Hayeksplosives, but…
    I just made a lemon curd that turned out quite well. No better, just sugar, egg yolks, lemon juice and zest. 8 ounces of lemon juice + 1 1/2 Tb lemon zest, 8 ounces sugar, 8 ounces egg yolks (10-12 eggs worth) Heat the lemon juice & zest to a bare simmer while whisking the yolks and sugar together in a bowl, temper the yolks by gradually adding some of the hot lemon juice, then add them back to the pan with the remaining juice. Heat everything to 185 degrees while stirring constantly. The weird part was ‘strain into the bowl of a stand mixer and beat with the paddle until cool.’ What the heck, it worked.
    Ideal for using up the yolks after making an angel food cake.

    • R C Dean

      The weird part was ‘strain into the bowl of a stand mixer and beat with the paddle until cool.’

      That is a weird euphemism.

    • Hyperion

      I thought she was on a plant based diet now?

      • Hyperion

        Oh, never mind, that was SP, not Hayek.

      • Mojeaux the Magnificent

        That’s SP. Hayek has a crap ton of fresh lemon juice to use up.

      • EvilSheldon

        Time for homemade sour mix?

      • l0b0t

        Homemade Limoncello?

      • Hyperion

        When you have lemons, you make lemonade, so the saying goes.