“I gots the COVIDs,” Joe said, sweating under a pile of blankets, in his virus bunker.
“No, you don’t,” Finnegan said, spooning mush into his mouth. There was more on his chin and neck than in his stomach.
“I want more vaccine,” he said. “I don’t trust that woman. I don’t!”
“You’ve had all the vaccine you should take,” she said, wiping his face.
“More. Maybe Presidents need-need-need more,” Joe said, shivering. “She’s trying to William Henry Harrison me.”
“Who? Is he on Instagram?” his granddaughter asked, unbuttoning her smock.
“Tendie nums-nums,” Joe whispered.
“Breast milk is very nutritious,” she told him again. “It’s like Ensure heated up in the microwave.”
“I want to grow up big and strong,” Joe said, pulling out his dentures.
“We need to transition,” Kamala seethed. “I want my White House email address. I want my parking spot.”
“Grandpa is doing well after the vaccine,” Seresto said brightly.
“President-Elect Joe Biden,” Kamala said through clenched teeth.
“#GrandpaJoe is trending,” Kayleighburrow said. “Up in all the key demos: white women, biracial gays, bisexual racists, geriatric fetishists, pajama bois, and gropers 14-45.”
“Yummy,” Astra purred. “I love a good pajama boi. They are so flaccid and soft-skinned, like being with a woman but without all the Indigo Girls and menstrual cups.”
“We should make Grandpa a profile on Grandr, the number one app for gay seniors,” Kayleighburrow said.
“Joe isn’t gay!” Astra said. “He sniffs my hair, not some dude-bro’s hair. He said my hair smelled delicious.”
“He said all our hair smelled delicious,” Seresto shot back.
Kamala pulled a lock of her hair over and sniffed it. She had never been told it smelled delicious.
“Were you wearing your masks?” Kamala demanded.
“Of course,” Astra said.
“Mine is flannel!” Kayleighburrow said, waving a filthy scrap of lumberjack shirt.
“We set a timer, like you said,” Seresto said. “Only twenty minutes of sniff time and Joe had to go back into his stasis pod.”
“Nummy!” Joe said, his face wet with boob-sweat and breast-milk.
“Did you get enough?” Finnegan asked, her nipples sore from his gumming.
Joe coughed up a blob of phlegm that shot out onto the floor and fell fast asleep.
“I will be President,” Kamala said.
“Harris 2028!” Astra said, smiling, the smile failing when she saw Kamala’s glare.
Kayleighburrow’s phone beeped.
“Update me!” Kamala snapped before the young woman could even read the text.
“Finnegan–ohmuhgawd, I just love her name, it’s like an old comfy sweater!–says that he has had both types of the vaccine and he is all sweaty gross and is sleeping.”
“Good, good,” Kamala said, suppressing an evil giggle.
“Can women set up accounts in Grandr?” Astra asked Kayleighburrow quietly.
“I don’t see why not,” Kayleighburrow replied, firing off a confusing string of emojis, gifs, reaction gifs to those gifs, and a jpeg of gallon milk jugs being clinked like champagne glasses.
“I like old dick,” Astra said in a stage whisper.
“You’ll go far,” Kamala said, braying out a laugh.
Joe coughed up a blob of phlegm that shot out onto the floor and fell fast asleep.
Nice.
Thanks, SF. Even with Hulk-level rage, you make me laugh,
Did the blob of phlegm fall fast asleep, or did Joe?
It’s up to the reader. Sentient phlegm is a cool plot twist, though.
Is it really sentient if all it does is
eatstar in movies with Johnny Drama?Sentient Phlegm. Cool band name.
“It’s like Ensure heated up in the microwave.”
And there went lunch.
Wow I will never look at Ensure the same way
Question is, chocolate or strawberry?
Cottage Cheese.
You aren’t helping! GAH!
Nope, that’s put me at the Ace Ventura face-plunging level.
“Finnegan–ohmuhgawd, I just love her name, it’s like an old comfy sweater!–says that he has had both types of the vaccine and he is all sweaty gross and is sleeping.”
This is just perfect in every way.
They are not sending Kamala there best.
Undoubtedly – thair best.
“they’re”
“I will be Presdient,” Kamala said.
Unfortunately.
Presdient?
Well, at least it’s not “prescient.”
If you like your misspellings you can keep your misspellinnkgs! #Kamala2021
Dontation nto Textation!
OT: for my not Digby Bestie: ONE HIT WONDERLAND: “Never Had a Dream Come True” by S Club 7
Man, where has “Todd in the Shadows” been all my life? This guy’s hilarious and insightful at the same time.
They were a one hit wonder in the US?
*kicks pebble*
“I like old dick,” Astra said in a stage whisper.
Go ahead, I’m listening.
Have you got your Grandr account?
Hey! Look at the NYC rents coming down, just like in the news. Why this $5200 2 bedroom is only $4457 (net effective on 14 month lease). Sigh…
https://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/apa/d/brooklyn-2bdr-2bath-1295-ft-4457-net/7233043286.html
With this one simple trick Cuomo Gets rents to go DOWN! Landlords HATE him…
Weird, it has to be a weird trick, you suck at journalismizing!
lol. Not even close to Manhattan.
They’re going up here.
Why does the map show a dumpy part of Brooklyn completely unrelated to the address…?
Where is the Law Against Showing Your Face?
One way to fight the Corona monomaniacs – the very sick people who insist that “Corona” trumps everything, cost no object (whether in money or diminution of life) and who are “mandating” that everyone “wear a mask” everywhere they go – is to not wear the “mask.”
Showing your face is a visual repudiation of their emotional blackmail. Their despicable demand that you look as though you agree with their hysterical hypochondria – by hiding your face behind a “mask.” By looking like am imbecile – someone who believes that a rag worn over one’s face filters out a virus or prevents a virus from being spread.
Another is to oblige them to charge you with a statutory offense for showing your face.
In almost every state, there is a “mandate” or “guideline” ordering everyone to hide their face. But in no state has a law been passed obliging people to do so – nor to stand six feet apart or perform any other act of Sickness Kabuki.
If there is no law, the there can be no charge – or conviction.
It’s stupid. But, being the asshole picking a fight with min wage workers doesn’t win any favor. Instead, how about complying, but engaging in some disalrming dialogue with the workers. Plant the seeds of this stupidity into the heads of people who never bothered to think about.
I strongly prefer these assholes to the pussies who wear their filthy face diapers everywhere. While I usually don’t do it, I think it’s completely appropriate to mock and insult people telling me to wear a face mask. You people are way too obedient, passive and conformist.
I am sympathetic for the businesses that face sanctions from the state for me not wearing it, though. I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s $10K fine.
So I buy as much online as I humanly can to avoid going into businesses so I don’t have to play along. I am never wearing that shit outside, though, not once. That’s my line in the sand.
I’m not actually aware of any fines imposed on retail stores if their customers don’t wear face masks in my state. Most store employees simply ignore that I shop there without a mask. Those who ask me to put one on never mention any sanctions. It can be very different in other places. No doubt. However, I’m not sure I can always distinguish between genuinely caring about businesses getting fines and preemptive surrender.
Yep. Just as an example, I eat at particular burger place pretty regularly. They have up until a couple weeks ago had the ketchip, napkins, salt and pepper, etc sitting on the counter. Recently they put it all behind the counter. I asked why. The answer was because multiple people had called in to the health inspector about people not wearing masks, and the inspector had thrown his weight around and made them change some things. Like put up more signs, bar more tables from use, and move the condiment stack out of reach.
So I can stand on principle and get them shut down and put them all out of work, or I can comply.
multiple people had called in to the health inspector about people not wearing masks
It would be quite a shame if those multiple people’s employers were made aware of said people’s alleged carnal affinity for livestock.
multiple people had called in to the health inspector about people not wearing masks
These people would have told the Gestapo about Anne Frank’s family hiding in the attic.
I talked to the manager, but they were all anonymous complaints, and they were not made to them. These people saw someone unmasked, finished their food or grabbed their takeout, then dropped the dime to the state in their car.
I’ve not seen a single Mask Mafia member confronting someone directly. They are cowardly little snitches in my experience.
What can I say, I’m in the more flies with honey than ‘physically threatening a person who may agree with you, but you have the emotional tolerance of a child, so make an enemy of an ally’ camp.
I don’t know the right answer, because how could you know. I just suspect that the more people who “go along to get along” (of which I am one) certainly isn’t going to get us any closer to being done with this. It can only prolong this and I suspect that it probably does.
The people who want to impose their wills on others have absolutely zero problems with throwing tantrums and making everyone around them miserable until they get what they want. I do NOT want to be that sort of person, nor do I want anything to do with that sort of person. But in the western world circa 2020, it’s hard to argue with its effectiveness. And I think it’s precisely because they never seem to pay any direct consequences for their sociopathy.
Your approach is not working. More than 95% of people here wear face masks on the street. They’ve been doing it for the last seven months. With the exception of my partner, I’ve seen precisely 1 (one) face without a mask in a store in MA since late April.
If there is no law, the there can be no charge – or conviction.
You can make this argument. You are not likely to prevail with it. See also: “there’s no law saying I have to pay income tax!”
If a store or other place I’m visiting requires a mask, I put on one on as I’m walking in, and take it off as I’m walking out. Otherwise I’m not wearing one.
I am beginning to think even in my prog zip code that I gave these people too much credit concerning their wish to be confrontational. Our playgrounds only opened a few months ago. Today was the second time I have taken the kids to the playground. Neither me or the kids wore masks. No one said anything. One mom may have taken her kid off the swings because me and my kids and I came over. She said something as she removed the kid, but I couldnt hear what she said
“We have to leave, the Evil Ones approach!”
I’ve seen some people with masks outdoors, but they’re a small minority.
Nobody bitches at me for wearing the mask as a chin diaper, so that’s what I do in stores with a sign. I put the mask on in the vestibule and take it off in the vestibule. Besides an odd panicked look from a soccer mom here or there, i doubt anybody would even notice if I didn’t bother to wear a mask.
“Grandr, the number one app for gay seniors.”
Nice.
Hilarious and disturbing turn.
I was honestly surprised to find that it doesn’t already exist.
Quick, to the Trademarkmobile!
The real value of Grandr is the profile photo requirements. You must submit a picture of every square millimeter of wrinkled skin and and hairless diabetes feet, which we then take to create a Mercator Projection which lays you out as flat as a rug.
And we will sell you a rug with the flat body printed on it.
Your mind… it disturbs me.
I’m more a fan of the Robinson Projection.
Mercator is sexier for older gays. I’ve done the market research.
Maybe there’s something out there that just doesn’t have a catchy name?
I went looking for my Rock Hudson, but only found Bruce Vilanch.
OT – Question for those familiar with mobile phones. My handset is on 1 account. I started another account. Can I just swap SIM cards back and forth and use both accounts concurrently?
I do a variation on that when I travel to Europe — buy a SIM card with a prepaid amount, use it locally. The downside is that you can’t have the same phone number.
I’ve done that too.
l0b0t – Is the phone unlocked? Or are the SIM cards for the same provider?
Unlocked handset and same service provider for both accounts. I went ahead and dove in and it works exactly how I wanted it to.
Good!
I had to clear my throat halfway thru that as the vomit made it a little too far up this time.
Congratulations
YOU LEAVE MY INDIGO GURLS ALONE!
I wore out that cassette tape
The less I seek my soul for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.
Trump Leads Voyage Of Pilgrims To Greenland To Establish Even Better America
Plans for the new colony include a Mt. Rushmore that just has four faces of Trump, a Statue of Liberty modeled after Melania, and a Meme War Memorial in the capital city of Trumpington. Greenland will be divided into the same states we have in America today, though California and New York will be left out in order to make it a true utopia.
“Yummy,” Astra purred. “I love a good pajama boi. They are so flaccid and soft-skinned, like being with a woman but without all the Indigo Girls and menstrual cups.”
I laughed. I cried. I puked.
Greenland will be divided into the same states we have in America today, though California and New York will be left out in order to make it a true utopia.
We’ll call the dump California.
The urinal – it is the golden state after all.
Kamala pulled a lock of her hair over and sniffed it. She had never been told it smelled delicious.
This reminds me of a joke from the Bill Clinton presidential years.
—-
Hillary Clinton noticed that Bill had sex with all the women around the White House except Janet Reno. One day, Hillary asked Janet what her secret to repelling Bill was.
“Oh, I just fart when he gets near me,” Janet said.
Later that night, when Bill slid into bed next to Hillary and slid his arms around her, Hillary let out a fart.
“Is that you Janet?”
—-
I see a budding romance, if you can call it that, between Joe Biden and Astra.
Heap good legal scholarship
Warren argues that the secretary of education has the authority to broadly cancel federal student loans, a claim backed up in a memo from lawyers at Harvard’s Legal Services Center and its Project on Predatory Student Lending.
What more could you want? It’s settled law.
And then there’s the part about students who have been “defrauded” by institutions of higher learning. I eagerly await the inevitable suit from a Yale gender studies degree holder.
May be true. What I’m pretty sure they don’t have is authority to appropriate the funds to bail out the lenders. Might be funny to see if that gets classified as an event of default.
“What I’m pretty sure they don’t have is authority to appropriate the funds to bail out the lenders”
John Roberts is ready to write the opinion.
Clearly congress meant to do this using their taxation powers.
“Turns out, you CAN’T get a job with this degree.”
Bullshit. You can run the DOD with that degree. In fact, you’d be overqualified.
My bad.
Predatory Student Lending
As I understand the U.S. government now holds about $1T worth of student debt.
^^^ The US Governement controls Student Loans. A thing they took over as part of a scheme to help pay for… Obamacare…
So now not only do these freeloaders want to get off without paying back their debts, they want to tank the healthcare industry!
/ Not an accident.
Evil. Pure, unadulterated evil.
Seen on FB:
I don’t like the expropriation idea, generally. But, I would enjoy watching the politics of that play out. The colleges most strenuously demanding this sort of thing would all of a sudden see the cost.
That was my thought too. Give ’em a heart attack.
They never seem to progress beyond “yet another authoritarian move,” do they?
No, that was a friend who is a conservatarian gay dude who was going for a “give them what they want good and hard” solution.
I think it’s fair if a Yale graduate owes $200k and is going to have that forgiven, then it comes from the college’s funds first.
Of course, that act would immediately eliminate half of the smaller liberal arts colleges in the country.
I’m not seeing the downside.
Feature, not bug
Taking it out of the endowment is stupid and/or evil (a lot of endowments are set up from charitable trusts). Taking it out of the administrative overhead and forcing them to fire half their non-faculty, non-maintenance staff, on the other hand…
Win, Win!
Obviously a terrible idea. However, it would be pretty funny if they had to co-guarantee loans going forward. “What? We’re not lending you money for that worthless degree!!”
The lenders used to say that. Until FedGov said they’d insure. Then lenders went Loans-A-Gogo-For-Shitty-Degrees.
To scruffy’s point above, the fed insurance scheme seemed to be sold as an attempt to prop up a lot of little liberal arts colleges, and even then it didn’t save as many as they thought. And the biggest beneficiaries were the largest schools – which was probably the actual scheme all along.
Not that terrible.
If I, as a retailer, am able to sell product to be bought with federally guaranteed loans and am at the same time, able to influence that lending process thru lobbying, then don’t I bear some responsibility for the unpaid debt?
At a minimum, schools whose students are unable to pay back loans should be cut off from the lending process. That is what any lender who actually bore the cost of their loans would do to me if I kept sending them bad borrowers.
Yup. It’s really “predatory enrollment recruitment” at the heart of the problem.
Post-hoc asset seizures are a terrible idea, because if it was allowed, it would never stop at just student loans.
I have no problem with anything like that going forward, including making colleges guarantee loans, as long as it’s known and agreed to ahead of time.
In the words of UBI Libertarians, If we are going to have College Loan Forgiveness, make the Colleges Forgive the Debt, not the Taxpayer.
Harvard has no need to charge Tuition, it makes enough money off its endowment to pay for it’s education operations.
Why would the feds seize the funds, which they’d have to compensate for as a taking anyway, when they can literally print money? The funds have to do work to make money, the feds do not. And If the feds took over the funds, didn’t have to pay for them somehow, and then sold them to pay off the loans, they’d get pennies on the dollar. If they took the funds and held them, then they’d be directly picking winners and losers in the market and thus subsidizing favored corporations. And if the market took a loss, then they’d have to just print money anyway.
Get ready to live longer than you thought…if you have the money. I’m sure there are orders going out across Si Valley and Hollywood for Hyperbaric chambers. They are not just for kooks anymore.
https://longevitylive.com/anti-aging-beauty/hyperbaric-oxygen-therapy-first-time-human-study-shows-reversal-aging/
“In a scientifically verified approach, signalling an important breakthrough in the study of aging, Tel Aviv University and The Sagol Center for Hyperbaric Medicine and Research at Shamir Medical Center announced today that, for the first time in humans, two key biological hallmarks of aging, telomere length shortening, and accumulation of senescent cells, can be reversed. The prospective clinical trial, published in peer-reviewed Journal Aging, utilizes Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy protocols to demonstrate cellular level improvement in healthy aging adults.”
Rock solid
A study of 15 states and Washington, D.C. published in Health Affairs this summer found that mask mandates were associated with a reduction in the COVID-19 daily growth rate and may have averted up to 450,000 cases. And, despite Reynolds’ comments at the press conference, Vox noted that eight of the top 10 states with the highest new cases per capita in October did not have a widespread mask mandate.
I repent me of my doubts and heresies, oh omnipotent oracles of SCIENCE!
*commences self-flagellation*
Hey, just liked the ol’ Obama “jobs created or saved” stat!
Yup, “averted or delayed”
Slow The Spread = Delay The Spread
(I kinda wanted to go with Spread The Spread or Delay The Inevitable)
Gives you an idea how stupid the journalists are. Because what the bureaucrats are saying without admitting it is that the mitigation efforts don’t work during cold and flu season – which means mitigation doesn’t work at all. But they want to take credit for summer not being cold and flu season.
Even with its loopholes, the order was a change of heart from the Republican’s previous claims that mask mandates are just a “feel-good” measure. “I’m just reminding and asking all Iowans to step up and help us stop the spread of this virus together,” she said.
At the same time, however, Reynolds pointed to states she said had implemented mask mandates but were still seeing rising case counts. When a reporter pointed out that this is a talking point of mask opponents, Reynolds replied, “There’s science on both sides, and you know that. If you look you can find whatever you want to support whatever you’re at. And so what I’m saying is, let’s do everything we can.”
ZING!
Whataboutism Talking Point DEFLECTED!!!
Would have been more honest if the reporter had just pointed and shrieked like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
So I do summer camp. That’s my thing. We had a big Zoom call on managing COVID. This woman had been collecting data from all the summer camps in the network that ran camp in 2020. Big picture, this is what she found
1. No outbreaks among camps that ran their whole programs outdoors. So close all the buildings up, run the whole thing out in the sunshine and the fresh air.
2. Not a single case of fomite transmission could be found.
3. Masks had no correlation with outbreaks. Camps that masked up but were indoors had outbreaks, camps that were all outdoors and maskless had no transmission.
These three facts were met with outright denial on the call, by dozens of people. Because why would we listen to a doctor who did an actual collection of data, when we could listen to the TV and their amazing computer models.
The model says your data is wrong.
https://twitter.com/michaelmalice/status/1329132382352510983
Headline:
“Actress Holly Robbinson Peete reveals she overheard trump say “The want the n-word to win”
Sub bullet point:
“She said she saw Trump and producers speaking, but she didn’t hear the slur herself, but heard about it from other people on the set”
The media may be on to something about an epedimic of Lies being completely swallowed with no thought.
“He going to hang Mr Cooper!”
*He’s
stupid autocorrect
Suuuuuuuurrre
Peete has always been a little bit nucking futs from what I understand.
Well, hell, we impeached Trump because a whistleblower who couldn’t be named or identified overheard something that somebody who might have been in the same room as somebody who was on the call might have thought was said or implied, so why not?
I heard Holly Robinson Peete say that she wants to murder puppies and kill all the gays.
Well, I didn’t hear her say it. I heard her say something and somebody told me that she said that.
The model says your data is wrong.
If the world doesn’t agree with the model we must alter reality.
Alright, the fucker in Columbus has restricted our freedom, done random shutdowns, and is now enforcing a curfew. But this… this is too far:
Northeast Ohio is ‘literally on fire’ with coronavirus spread, Gov. Mike DeWine warns in Cleveland
I mean what kind of a moran misuses literally like that?
And if we can’t do Thanksgiving, or travel between counties, why the fuck is he driving for over 2 hours?
I have a feeling that my plan to go visit family in Cbus next fall is still going to be impacted by this bullshit. I hope you’re buckled in and ready to ride this for the long haul, because I don’t see them loosing their grip on the reins of power.
I never really thought I’d be saying to myself thank god for Ron DeSantis, but then Corona happened.
I’m thinking a home in Florida with a bugout in Costa Rica doesn’t sound too bad anymore.
I’m looking to live in Brazil half the year, probably SC or FL rest of the year until the complete takeover of the USA by the commies.
Tell him to pizz the fuck off, there would be nothing he could do about it.
On a happier note, I’m doing Chicken Chili Verde with torts and cheese, and going to drink this for dinner,
https://photos.app.goo.gl/UdnJQ3VzMpq5i5YZ7
awesome combo, Fat and Drunk, here I come!
I don’t get it. They ain’t no fucking chickens in Mexico. Who made up that shit?
I don’t know if being transitioned to Hat and Hair is really the transition Biden and Harris have been demanding.
Haven’t read yet, but I see it as a sign or better times. For lulz, worse for pretty much everything else.