A Glibertarians Exclusive:  Mystical Child Part IX

by | May 3, 2021 | Fiction, History | 169 comments

A Glibertarians Exclusive:  Mystical Child Part IX

From the diary of Robert “Cairo Bob” Allen, 1841-1928

November 25, 1886 –The Tomb

Sam’s dead as a doornail, and here at the tomb, it’s just me.  But at least the weather broke.  Still cold as hell, but the sun’s out and the wind died down.  I made one trip on foot over to the spruce and brought back some pieces of dry wood, then got a bright idea and took both pack horses over, loaded them up with spruce branches and some bark off a dead tree for kindling.  There’s plenty of rock about, and with the axe I managed to pry out enough flat rock to make a flat fireplace about five feet by three feet, off the ice and snow, right at the base of the entrance to the tomb.  By noon I had a roaring, big fire going, and the ice was starting to rot.  I took one of the horses over for another load of firewood, and when I got back, the ice was melting away fast.  I let the horse rest and took up the axe.

 ***

November 25, 1886

Bob sat, watching the ice melt.  He had attacked the ice with the axe on and off through the day, but it was apparent that the fire was doing most of the work.  As the ice melted, he could see the flat boulder enclosing the tomb more clearly.

That’s a damn heavy rock, he thought, peering through the smoke and flames.  Going to have to wait until the fire’s gone out, maybe hitch one or both of the pack horses to it, pull it over.

The sun was growing low in the sky again.  Bob dragged Evans’ body away from the fire and away from the lean-to and piled some loose brush over him; he had no desire to sleep next to a corpse.

Bob slept well that night, with the campfire and the roaring blaze at the tomb entry to keep him warm.  He got up several times through the night to feed both fires, but otherwise passed the first reasonably comfortable night he had spent at the tomb.

In the morning, in the first light of the weak winter sun, he let the fire at the tomb die down.  Most of the ice is gone, he noted.  With the axe, he chopped away the remaining fragments.

Bob touched the flat stone barrier.  It was still warm to the touch, but not hot enough to hurt.  He put on his leather gauntlets, grabbed the top of the boulder, and pulled.  The rock did not budge.

Should have known that wouldn’t work, he reminded himself.  All right, then, I’ll try the other way.

The pack horses had no collars for pulling, but Bob managed to loop a length of rope around a small projection at the top of the flat boulder and made the ends of the rope fast to the pack saddles, hoping that would be enough.

It was.  Bob walked around to the animal’s heads, took hold of their bridles, one in each hand.  “All right,” he said, “Git ‘er up.  Come on,” he said, pulling the bridles.

The horses drew the rope taut, straining a little.  The flat rock shifted, sank a little into the wet earth, then slowly – ever so slowly, at first, then suddenly – fell over.

“Good,” Bob said, patting each horse’s nose in turn.  He suddenly remembered something he had seen among Evan’s gear, went looking in the man’s saddlebags – yes, there were some cubes of sugar.  He gave a couple to each horse before untying the rope.  He picketed both horses in a new stand of dry grass.

Then, Bob went back to the tomb.

Well, he thought, this is it, sure as hell.

He looked inside the open tomb, but it was too dark to see.  A brand from the campfire did for that, and finally, at long last, Bob entered the Spaniard’s tomb.

The chamber was small, maybe eight feet deep, six feet across, and five feet high; Bob had to crouch a little to go in.  The floor of the tomb was dusty and dry.

There was nothing on the floor.  In the back of the tomb, there was a hole, partially obscured with what was left of some kind of wooden cover.

Bob stepped to the hole and pushed the cover out of the way.  He held the brand so he could see down into the hole.

There were a few scattered bones and scraps of cloth.  A man’s skull looked up at him out of sightless eyes.

No gold.  No jewels.  No silver.  No nothing.  Just some dry bones and scraps of cloth.

“Son of a bitch,” Bob muttered.

Feeling a little ghoulish, he moved the skull aside.  Nothing.  He rooted through the scattered bones, through the scraps of cloth that disintegrated almost on touch.

“Nothing,” he said.  “God damn it.”

Bob went back outside.  He looked at the campfire, at the makeshift shelter, and then at Evans’ wrapped body, not far away.  Cursing softly, he picked up the coffee pot, packed it full of snow, and set it on the fire.

He squatted morosely by the fire, waiting for the coffee to boil.  His eyes kept drifting back to Evans’ body.

Well, Bob thought, he’s dead.  My Ma would have cut a switch and took a lick out of me if I’d have spoke ill of the dead, and I suppose she had a point.  But damned if he didn’t leave me in a hell of a spot.  All the way up here in Canada, probably illegal to boot, and no damn gold or nothing.

I suppose he thought he was doing me a good turn.  But damned if it ended up that way.  I’m no closer to getting Isis back than I was before I set out.

Then he looked up, at the pack horses and Evans’ saddle horse, at Evans’ traps laying near the lean-to, the rifle leaning on Evan’s saddle under the lean-to.  He remembered Evans had a little Smith & Wesson sixgun in one of his coat pockets.  I didn’t even ask him if he had any kin, Bob realized.  Wonder if he has anything in his pockets, might give some clue.  If he has any folks, they’d probably care to know what happened to him.

Damned if I know what I was thinking, leaving Carson City to chase this here wild goose.  One thing, at least – spare as things is, I’m coming out of it better than Evans, and that’s for sure and for certain.

The coffee boiled.  Bob set about putting some venison on the fire to warm up, tossed in a little bacon to give it some heft.  He looked around again.  Might come out of this a tad better than broke, he realized, presuming I make it back to Boise. 

Reckon I’ll spend the night here, he thought.  Sleep a bit warmer just inside that tomb, anyway, with a fire at the entrance.  Then tomorrow I’ll load everything up, light out for the border.  Snuck two of us up here past the Mounties, reckon I can sneak back by myself. 

***

I broke into the tomb, but the casket was empty.

There was no jewels no nothing I felt I’d been had.

When I saw that my partner was just being friendly.

When I took up his offer I must-a been mad.

About The Author

Animal

Animal

Semi-notorious local political gadfly and general pain in the ass. I’m firmly convinced that the Earth and all its inhabitants were placed here for my personal amusement and entertainment, and I comport myself accordingly. Vote Animal/STEVE SMITH 2024!

169 Comments

  1. R C Dean

    Sleep a bit warmer just inside that tomb,

    Ruh-roh.

    • slumbrew

      Mentally I’m yelling “noooo!”

    • Ownbestenemy

      I don’t know the outcome..but I am guessing he found himself. That is how I would write it.

  2. Suthenboy

    I didn’t realize the time…from last thread – I had a brief hike in the woods this morning to check on a corner post I recently installed and lugged this with me: https://ruger.com/products/mini14RanchRifle/specSheets/5805.html
    In spite of it being the same weight the balance made it more difficult to carry.
    I am going back to this as my woods gun: https://www.winchesterguns.com/products/rifles/model-94/current.html (scroll down to the plain carbine)

    Or maybe I am just getting old.

    • db

      Which way did you carry it? The Mini-14 will have more of it’s weight toward the center, with a box magazine, although the forward section of the operating rod does have a bit of heft to it. The ’94, with the tube magazine under the barrel, should be balanced more forward. So, depending on how you sling it (assuming you slung it), the way it hangs will be different. IIRC, it’s harder to carry the Mini-14 slung muzzle down than muzzle up.

      • db

        Because of where the forward sling attach is, carrying it muzzle up also makes it pivot forward on the shoulder, so the butt tends to get forward of the thigh when carrying it that way, too.

      • Suthenboy

        I did not sling today. I hand carried and the 94 is obviously much better for that. Machete in the right hand, rifle in the left. Since it was a a brief trip I didnt have my usual accoutraments, just those two items.

      • db

        Yeah, I can see carrying it one-handed would let you hold the 94 closer to the center of mass than the mini 14. plus it’s narrower, so easier to grip.

      • EvilSheldon

        I sometimes carry my M4gery by wrapping my fingers around the front of the magwell, and my thumb over the top of the barrel. It works pretty well for the AR, and would probably work okay with the Mini-14.

      • Pine_Tree

        All that’s true. But none of them fit your hand as well as the action (main part, rectangular block, at the COM) of a 94.

  3. Yusef drives a Kia

    Great story so far, thanks again Animal!

  4. slumbrew

    I’m really enjoying this series, Animal.

  5. Suthenboy

    Good story Animal. I have crept around in old tombs like that. I was young and dumb. It is not a good idea. You can catch all kinds of nasty bugs in a place like that.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I lived a block away from a graveyard in my formative years. Did all sorts of nonsense, no vandalism though. There was a BN rail line back there too. Did you know that hitting an empty coal car with a large rock makes a very satisfying sound?

    • hayeksplosives

      “ You can catch all kinds of nasty bugs in a place like that.”

      Isn’t that the origin of the Mummy’s curse sorta tales? Strange diseases afflicting the grave rubbers/archaeologists?

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        grave rubbers

        We won’t tolerate any kink-shaming ’round here.

        😉

      • Not Adahn

        Isn’t that just a term for genealogy buffs who visit cemeteries with paper and charcoal?

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I don’t let facts get in the way of my dirty jokes.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Necrofrottage.

      • blackjack

        Last thing you want is a dead kid.

  6. DEG

    Sleep a bit warmer just inside that tomb, anyway, with a fire at the entrance.

    This is ominous.

  7. Hank

    “The chamber was small, maybe eight feet deep, six feet across, and five feet high”

    Did he at least check for secret doors?

    Sorry…it’s seriously a great story.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      He failed his skill check and I am pretty sure he is not a dwarf.

      • DEG

        🙂

  8. Tundra

    Thanks, Animal.

    Another good episode!

  9. CPRM

    And lo, The Lord said, ‘No titty links!’, and it was so. And there was much rejoicing.

    I’ve made myself clear I don’t enjoy such things. I’m turning 38 next week and am still celibate because I’m not married. I’m a Catholic who stopped going to church because the local perish brought Santa into Christmas mass, and that’s too ‘hippy’ for me. But I don’t get the need to bitch about such things. Like my elderly aunt who is obsessed with what her neighbors are doing, just don’t look and it’s not a problem.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      *shrug*

      Im not sure why titty links keep popping out as an issue. You’d think that libertarian ideals would nip such conversations in the bud. I don’t particularly like the titty links that bounce out into the comments predictably every day and I think they detract from the site, but it wouldn’t really purple my nurples if they kept being posted in perpetuity. I built a solution that cools my tits, preventing both accidental clicks and momentary lapses in discipline. Seems like a topic long due to drop down the mammary hole.

      • slumbrew

        Oh, well done – simultaneously on-topic _and_ Swiss triggering.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Is it topnotch?

      • Gender Traitor

        Have you clicked a Q link accidentally and gotten busted?

      • Mojeaux

        I only had to click one un-marked as NSFW Q link once and then got the clue. No Q links for me.

        I guess I don’t understand why it’s so hard just to scroll past people’s schtick.

      • hayeksplosives

        Sometimes Q posts an interesting newsish type of link that’s well worth reading.

        That’s why I appreciate the NSFW warning for the others. It’s clear and simple.

        I never click an HM link though because he doesn’t give a warning. I’m glad HM no longer makes those rambling emoji-laden vulgar posts; that’s a good self-edit on his part. HM’s commentary on libertarian issues is always worth the read.

      • DEG

        I click on HM’s links, but I see why most people don’t.

      • Mojeaux

        HM links are tricky because he’s posted some good ones. You never know what you’re going to get. But I got lucky with this one.

      • Swiss Servator

        That was the Cummiebot. You plug in the names and it churns it out.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Have you clicked a Q link accidentally

        A few times. Mobile browsers have a habit of clicking when you’re scrolling and happen to touch a link.

        and gotten busted?

        Not yet. I had it happen once while wife was sitting right next to me, but she thankfully didn’t notice.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Not yet.

        I should mention that I have Q and Potato muted, so there’s no chance of that ever happening again. If I see them respond to an interesting thread, I can easily unmute them and read what they have to say.

      • Gender Traitor

        …busted?
        ***SIGH!!!*** All I was after was a narrowed gaze! 🙁

      • CPRM

        Im not sure why titty links keep popping out as an issue. Ah, 80s movies.

      • Animal

        I’m not sure, but it’s not a priority for me. I put the odd bit of totty up on my own site, particularly on Fridays and Saturdays, but don’t link to them here. People are free to read or not read, just as suits them. As for Q links and so on, I think by now everyone knows what they are and he certainly labels them as such, so I don’t see it as a big deal.

        What’s-his-nuts did get more than a little carried away this morning, though.

      • Swiss Servator

        *mulls over serious response….instead, narrows gaze*

      • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

        Those are some firm points.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Aw, sweet. Not the first I’ve heard of this but let me give you a noogie anyway.

  10. hayeksplosives

    As long as it doesn’t involve the Scooby Doo gang, it will remain a great story.

    Nobody here seems to relish the idea of sleeping in a tomb, even if it is “just inside.”

    • Not Adahn

      Yanno, if he built the big fire inside the tomb, he could make a pizza.

      • Sean

        But, alas, he has no pineapple.

      • Animal

        Don’t make me come over there.

  11. Hank

    Speaking of fantasy…

    “Crisis response experts noted, however, that deescalation tactics — like commanding Bryant to drop the weapon, physically getting between the women, or simply communicating with her — could have kept everyone alive. In many recorded encounters between the police and white people carrying weapons, for instance, officers didn’t shoot first or even reach for their guns — they successfully managed to peacefully apprehend the suspect.”

    https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/why-theyre-not-saying-makhia-bryants-name/ar-BB1gfKeO

    • EvilSheldon

      ‘Experts.’

      I’d like a list of these experts, so I can avoid possibly accidentally training with them.

    • slumbrew

      physically getting between the women

      Sure, he just had to teleport the, what, 20 feet from his car and step in front of the knife as she was trying to plunge it into her victim.

      Easy-peasy.

      • wdalasio

        What I want to know is why he used his gun and not a Star Trek phaser set to stun? None of the racists have been able to explain that one to me!

    • creech

      You mean like the un-named Capitol cop who shot Ashli did?

    • WTF

      commanding Bryant to drop the weapon
      She was in mid-stab. Girl in pink would be dead.
      physically getting between the women
      She was already on top of girl in pink and in mid-stab, cop was several feet away. The Flash is only make-believe. And I’m pretty sure the cop wouldn’t want to block the knife with his body in any case.
      In many recorded encounters between the police and white people carrying weapons, for instance, officers didn’t shoot first or even reach for their guns
      And in many cases they did shoot. There are more white people killed by police than black people, in spite if the fact that black people are responsible for approximately 50% of violent crime. And Bryant was not just “carrying” a weapon, she was actively attempting to stab and murder an unarmed girl.
      The worst part is these asshole know they are lying because they are making up shit that is plainly contradicted by the video and by facts. They are doing purely to advance their political agenda, making them the lowest of lowlife scum.

      • Mojeaux

        Has ANYBODY in the media asked the victim’s opinion on this?

      • WTF

        No, because the narrative is she wasn’t a victim, she was a “participant” in a “knife fight”.

      • Mojeaux

        I would think the “she woulda been dead” would at least garner some questions about her opinion.

        Did SHE have a knife?

      • WTF

        Nope. Unarmed victim. But shitheels like Valerie Jarret keep dishonestly calling the incident a “knife fight”.

      • Sean

        “Just a case of teen hijinks ending in murder.”

      • hayeksplosives

        As the saying goes, Ho’s will be ho’s.

      • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

        Maybe the cop would have had time to tackle the stabber, but he was distracted by her father kicking someone else in the head.

      • slumbrew

        Wow, that was her dad? First time I’ve heard that particular detail.

        Overlooked in the whole “girl tries to stab someone else right in front of the cops” story was “dude kicks girl in the head, right in front of the cops”.

      • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

        I’m pretty sure it was her dad, but feel free to take that with a grain of salt.

      • R C Dean

        In many recorded encounters between the police and white people carrying weapons, for instance, officers didn’t shoot first or even reach for their guns

        I wonder how many of those encounters involved wypipo actively assaulting someone, with the weapon drawn back for immediate use?

        the narrative is she wasn’t a victim, she was a “participant” in a “knife fight”.

        Yeah, its only a knife “fight” if both participants have one. If only one has knife, its a knife “attack”.

    • CPRM

      the “fat,” “huge,” “knife-wielding attacker” and “maniac” who deserved to be fatally shot by the police on April 20 in Columbus, Ohio.

      He just killed her because she was Black Fat!

      • wdalasio

        Well, should getting rid of fatties really be a crime?

      • kinnath

        Don’t start stepping on my toes.

      • CPRM

        That depends if you want any more content from me or Sugarfree.

    • WTF

      Of course the real tragedy here is that her awful parents have won the Ghetto Lottery and will likely be making bank off of this incident.

    • CPRM

      from a link in the article from ‘News One’

      The cop, who employed a leg-sweep takedown of the suspect likely learned from departmental training, exercised the kind of restraint rarely if ever seen with nonviolent Black suspects, like Jacob Blake, who was unarmed when he was shot in the back multiple times at close range as he tried to enter his car in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

      Leaves out any facts around what was in the car, good newzin there.

      • WTF

        He wasn’t unarmed, he had a karambit which you can see in his hand as walks around the front of the car, and then he reaches into the front of the car.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I did not know what a karambit is, now I want one.

        You weren’t that one guy (every unit has one) who kept swords in the barracks, were you?

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s a very short, sharply curved blade with a finger ring on the end of the grip.

        It’s more showy than it is effective.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I don’t doubt it, but it is cool.

      • WTF

        Wasn’t in the service, but I do have a collection of swords and knives at home, and studied martial arts including edged weapons for quite a few years.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Kendo or something else?

    • R.J.

      “Hey, drop the knife!”
      *Stab stab stab
      “This will go on your permanent record!”

      • Lackadaisical

        “This will go on your permanent record!”

        This is insensitive, she may have anxiety issues related to her record.

        The only correct thing to do for the cop would be to respectfully ask her to instruct him on the correct way to deescalate the situation, and respectfully LISTEN and LEARN. Then, he should leave and let her do her thang.

    • Ownbestenemy

      The media is a large part of the blame. I didn’t see national news of this kid in Maryland that was killed by police while wandering the neighborhood with an airsoft gun….

      https://www.usnews.com/news/top-news/articles/2021-04-14/teen-shot-dead-after-aiming-toy-gun-at-maryland-state-police-trooper

      Or this boy in Arizona

      https://apnews.com/article/af6a2880f4f749248730b868a4dee667

      I aint absolving the police and their tactics at all, but when only one subset of society is a ‘concern’, its hard to have a care for this crap.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        …only one subset of society is a ‘concern’…

        They only are a concern when it fits a narrative or lines their pockets with white guilt money.

        e.g. The radio silence on the Chicago body count.

      • hayeksplosives

        Yep.

        Heck, they didn’t even make that big a deal about Tamir Rice precisely because the case was a no-brained with the kid clearly innocent and the cop clearly guilty of at least manslaughter and probably murder.

        But it wasn’t controversial enough; no riots to start, no heated debates. It was open and shut, and that is very disappointing to the shit stirrers.

      • Nephilium

        Local news still brings up Tamir Rice fairly regularly (in fact the shitheel police union just lost a case trying to get the officer reinstated). Of course, it also happened here.

      • blackjack

        Who was the dude that was playing with a toy gun off the shelf in a Walmart when the pigs blasted him? That one was pretty fucking egregious also.

      • Gender Traitor

        That was near Dayton – suburb called Beavercreek – in 2014. (Local news links seem to have expired.)

      • blackjack

        Yeah, the caller told dispatch that they thought it was a toy, if I remember correctly.

      • hayeksplosives

        The Maryland one seems more complex than “Cop mistakes airsoft gun for real thing and shoots teen dead.” Article says the cop shot snd wounded the teen, teen then pulls a knife on the cop (?!?), and cop fires again.

      • WTF

        Wypipo lives don’t matter. No opportunity to gin up outrage to advance a racist agenda and create divisiveness for power and profit.

      • slumbrew

        You never see the names “Daniel Shaver” or “Kelly Thomas” brought up bye the media, either, despite being horrific killings caught on video.

        No convictions for anyone involved.

      • hayeksplosives

        We never did find out what the real story with Miriam Carey either did we?

      • slumbrew

        I had forgotten about that.

        Reading the wikipedia description, her reaction to what her supporters are calling a “wrong turn” were pretty extreme. A strange case.

      • hayeksplosives

        Yeah, seems like she was emotionally or mentally disturbed.

        Still a pretty extreme reaction from the cops, particularly considering a child was in the car too.

        Just odd that we never heard a resolution of the case, nor did we hear clamoring for a resolution.

      • slumbrew

        I find it entirely likely the cops had no idea there was a kid in the car – kid was only 18 months old.

        Sure sounds like mental illness:

        “Carey’s boyfriend reported concerns about her mental health and delusions to the Stamford, Connecticut Police Department. On December 10, 2012 Stamford police investigated the complaint and noted that Carey believed herself to be the “Prophet of Stamford” and insisted that Barack Obama had her house under electronic surveillance. ”

        (t/w Wikipedia)

      • blackjack

        In fairness, it turns out Barak Obama had all of us under electronic surveillance. If she’s the only one around who knew this and tried to tell the others, that might be allowable as being a prophet.

      • Ownbestenemy

        All good points. The way I look at it is the media, in their quest to be the information source of Americans and quite possibly an arm of the Democratic party (and probably of the Republican party also) are willing to play propaganda mouth piece to ensure we are fighting each other and not seeing that our own government forces are killing us with nary a worry except some time on the beach and some poor sucker that might have to take one for the team.

    • The Other Kevin

      All those things are true. However, in the video, the cop pulls up, gets out of his car, and has just seconds to assess the (extremely chaotic) situation, decide what to do, and do it.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Well, they have been running the FISA program with no abuses of civil rights at all.

      /extreme sarc

    • The Other Kevin

      So they’re becoming business partners with businesses they supposedly want to regulate. Nothing wrong with that.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Truly fascisti,

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      Totally not a banana republic.

      Seriously, this is a well-trod alliance in all regimes embracing literal fascism. Stasi by another name. The only thing surprising is how open they’re being about it.

    • slumbrew

      The plan being discussed inside DHS, according to multiple sources, would, in effect, allow the department to circumvent those limits.

      I’m not a law-type-person, but I was under the impression that they can’t just sidestep legal limitations by contracting the work out to private entities.

      I mean, legally. No doubt it’s done all the time – that’s what parallel construction is for.

    • LJW

      “The Department of Homeland Security is limited in how it can monitor citizens online without justification and is banned from activities like assuming false identities to gain access to private messaging apps used by extremist groups such as the Proud Boys or Oath Keepers”

      1. Since when do government agencies follow the rules?

      2. Proud Boys and Oath Keepers are extremists? What’s the most extreme thing they have done? Yes they’re a bunch of d-bags but they’re not extremists.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        The Oath Keepers are establishment types by definition. The Proud Boys seem to be mostly dude-bros that are constitutionalists. I am not seeing the extremism there.

      • blackjack

        The Proud Boys mostly just assert their right to exist publicly in deep blue strongholds. They, of course, have to physically fight with antifa to do this. Hence the violent descriptor.

    • Lackadaisical

      ‘may’ means they’ve already done it for the past 10 years and are just checking the vibe.

    • blackjack

      Maybe they can these private entities to help “fortify” later elections too.

    • wdalasio

      Anyone else remember growing up hearing about those terrible places where the government monitored the mail and listened in on citizens? Yeah, good times.

    • Gender Traitor

      “Oh, those wacky ayatollahs! They’re such kidders!”

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      All of the United States’ geopolitical rivals seem to be getting more belligerent. I wonder why that is?

      Oh, maybe it is because they know that Biden is an empty suit with who is so corrupt that he will always be their doormat.

      Nah, that can’t be it, CNN told me that the Biden administration is bringing back the credibility of the US’ foreign policy.

      • blackjack

        It’s because any fool can see that Biden’s foremost idea is to do the opposite of whatever Trump did, damn the cost. Biden’s hands are tied. Standing up to bullies is a Trump move, Biden MUST do the opposite.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        It really is Obama’s third term.

      • The Other Kevin

        ^ This. He bought into the bullshit narrative that literally everything Trump did was bad, therefore the opposite must be good. He’s already made a fool of himself yet he just keeps on going.

        But he’s unintentionally doing Trump a favor by calling to attention how affective some of Trump’s policies were, and that criticism of those policies were basically people making shit up.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Meh, like the bullshit about Trump, this is an old man making a joke and it was quite apparent he was.

      • Sean

        I concur about the lame joke attempt, but he’s still a feeble clown.

        And that shield falling over just amused the heck outta me.

      • Ownbestenemy

        What is that shirt I keep seeing on some big breasted model and claims to be a “Libertarian T-Shirt” company?

        Something like, “Don’t mess with an old person, they don’t care if they get life in prison” or something like that? That is Joe. He is old and knows he doesn’t have to endure any of his doddering mismanagement of the country.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Kids should’ve gone for the Little Rascals move and kicked him in the shins.

  12. wdalasio

    Cool bit of trivia. The 2021 Derby had 15 million viewers. Not only did that beat the Oscars (9.85 million viewers), it beat the highest rated NBA Championship game (8.89 million viewers) and the World Series (9.48 million viewers).

    And it should be no surprise. The true athletes in the Derby, the horses, give their all, with not a moments thought to their next endorsement deal, or whether they might alienate the Chicoms. They don’t expect you to listen to their political diatribes or pretend they’re somehow more enlightened than they are.

    Consider, you can attend a derby party and see all the ladies dressed to the nines, have some great snacks, and drink more than your share of bourbon. In all that, your chances of knowing a damned thing about the politics of anyone else in attendance is essentially nil.

    • Gender Traitor

      And you do NOT want to see a horse take a knee! ☹️

      • Plisade

        I don’t know, what if it’s a mare-iage proposal?

        /tries to outdo GT’s busted pun, feels more like a dad than ever

      • blackjack

        If she says no, don’t get all long faced!

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I have embraced my Dadness, whenever we go on road trips and I see a bale of hay. I will yell, “Hey!” it gets the kids to look up from their devices long enough to groan and roll their eyes. It is great.

      • Timeloose

        My dad is the king of the dad jokes. My personal favorite was the 20 min story of the origin of the Falling Rock Indian tribe and why they have signs commemorating them along the highway. Also the tribe of 5ft tall natives called the “Whethefukarewe”

        A simple one is, upon seeing a farmer out on his land, “There is a man outstanding in his field”

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        My dad isn’t one for dad jokes, which is why this one gets me every time I think about it.

        One time I asked him what car bras were for, and he responded with “the same as regular bras. They hold the headlights in.”

      • Timeloose

        That’s a good one.

    • LJW

      I’m waiting for the woke crowd to destroy horse racing. So many angles for them. I was shocked there wasn’t any articles complaining about all the unmasked people at Churchill Downs. NBC must be supressing criticism because it’s a ratings goldmine.

      • kinnath

        I’ve seen articles on My Old Kentucky Home being racist.

      • wdalasio

        Which is absurd because it was one of Frederick Douglas’s favorites and showed slavery as actually hurting human beings with feelings and emotions.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I would rather hear Lucky Loop opine about policy regarding Isreal than I would hear the same from some idiot athelete.

    • blackjack

      Collect all five!

      • kinnath

        I never heard that one.

      • blackjack

        Have another. My personal favorite.

      • kinnath

        I have that album.

        Great song on a great album.

      • blackjack

        Correct!

      • kinnath

        I have Champagne Jam also, but that’s it.

        I was young, married, and poor when they were putting out music.

      • kinnath

        I had huge ARS belt buckle way back then.

        No on had any idea what ‘A R S’ meant.

      • UnCivilServant

        The Accident Reporting System?

      • kinnath

        Atlanta

        Rhythm

        Section

      • blackjack

        Here, try this one.

      • kinnath

        Just finishing up Neon Nites (I listened to the whole album).

        I’ll try this next.

      • blackjack

        Killer bass solo on this one.

  13. Tonio

    Okay, I’m late to the party both for this post and the series. Well done, Animal. I’m going to go back to the beginning and read the whole thing.

    • Ownbestenemy

      ^^ That is my plan is to read it again, in one sitting but the suspense of each little episode reminds of hanging out with my grandma while she would play old radio theater.

  14. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Lord have mercy, check out this CIA ad:

    https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1389149535658823681

    We are so fucked…on the plus side though, only mental deficients that buy this bullshit will rise through the ranks which might be a good thing now that they’re turning their eyes on us.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I am kinda okay with a less capable CIA. Especially with the administration making noise about ‘domestic terrorism.’

      • Ownbestenemy

        This is giving the bullies some pretty powerful tools to up their game though…I am not sure it will become ‘less capable’ in what the new crop of agents might want to focus on.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Good point.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      That’s just sad. Not because she’s Hispanic, but because she’s a whiny narcissist who’s desperate to feel important.

    • DEG

      The most shocking thing about that video is that I watched the whole thing.

  15. blackjack

    Fucking hilarious! The lame assed school is back in session, for two hours a day! They have taken to giving us food instead of bothering with the icky teaching stuff. My wife still doesn’t seem to understand how bad this food is going to be. As evidence, my kid was all excited because this time, they included a churro. He loves churros. This one sucked so bad, he took one bite, spit it out and threw it away. A fucking churro! They’re like crack to kids.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Public School Indoctrination Centers of America?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Close. Very close. I’ll give out one trashcoin to the person who gets it right.

        Brought to you by trashcoin, the crypto that really stinks!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Public School Is Child Abuse

      • Ownbestenemy

        Ah..if I would have given myself 2 more seconds. Public School Is Child Abuse.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I instantly invested my trashcoin and this was what happened.

        https://youtu.be/-DT7bX-B1Mg (TW/Southpark possible NSFW..I don’t ever assume otherwise)

    • blackjack

      It is not about telling students what to think and what they can and cannot say,

      No, that’s exactly what it is.

      • Ownbestenemy

        They know that, we know that, and they also know that we know that they know that. Did you know that?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Giving free reign to political groups via teachers and administrators.

      Somebody should put up a gun rights sign and call it government speech.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’m trying to parse this.

      Are they saying that kids who behave shouldn’t have to interact with cops? Or are they saying that they’re trying to keep kids who commit crimes out of prison?

      Some board members opposed having armed officers interacting with students.

      “We’re offering an easement for those who might not have been involved with the criminal legal system otherwise. We’re facilitating that pipeline,” Garcia said.

      • blackjack

        Personally, I hate the idea of cops patrolling schools. There’s so rarely any real crimes there. Seems like it ought to be easy enough to call them when something real pops off. Meanwhile all the kids feel like they’re in prison. Kid’s got a joint? Suspend him. That’s probably all he wants anyway. No prison or permanent record bullshit required.

      • Ownbestenemy

        The article is poorly written. I think it comes down to their resource officer, which they did re-approve and how that interaction works.

  16. westernsloper

    ?