Chuck E. Cheese Re-brands as Charter School

by | Mar 11, 2021 | Satire | 274 comments

MILWAUKEE – “Parents will surely rejoice now that they have a safe, affordable in-person learning option for their children” said the chain’s Senior Vice President Joanna Gambolputty. “The concert area has been remodeled as the principal’s office, as many children have a negative reaction to Munch’s Make Believe Band” added Gambolputty.

Enrichment activities include air hockey and skee ball, which provide low-impact aerobic exercise in addition to building hand-eye coordination. “Players, I mean students, will receive tickets according to how well they play the game. The tickets may then be exchanged for various prizes, including a high school diploma.

The most coveted prize, however, is a perfect SAT score. To gain this prize, the students must win the notoriously challenging claw machine game. The SAT score sheet is attached to a plastic lobster-shaped harmonica. The rest of the prizes are small stuffed animals and miniature sports balls.”

Randi Weingarten, head of the United Federation of Teachers, has announced a boycott of Chuck E. Charter until the chain hires a least one teacher per franchise. Chuck E. Charter offered a pizza party for the union, but Weingarten refused, citing a lack of variety in toppings.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

274 Comments

  1. Yusef drives a Kia

    I like Pineapple, Fight me,

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      *racks slide*

    • blackjack

      Jicama with lime and chile powder. I won.

    • UnCivilServant

      Pineapple in and of itself is fine.

      The problem is when people do unnatural things with it.

      • pistoffnick

        “…do unnatural things with it.”

        Too easy!

      • rhywun

        Pineapple is my favorite fruit.

        And you’re right.

      • l0b0t

        The problem is when people do unnatural things with it.”

        But… but… once one removes the core; the pineapple sits there, naked and open, inviting penetration. I’m just a man, damn it! I’m not made of stone!

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        You made the joke better than I would have. I’m glad I abstained this time.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        um, pain?

      • Tejicano

        I guess that’s just how he rolls…

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        +1 Paris Hilton….

    • Derpetologist

      a Swahili tongue twister: anafanana na nanasi = he looks like a pineapple

      I learned Swahili in the Peace Corps and Arabic in the Army. Now I am learning to weld. I have had a persistent tingling in my thumb since Monday when I did vertical welding. It might be because it spent too much time looking up, which can pinch a neck nerve. It also might because I kept pushing hard with my thumb on the big alligator clip which holds the welding rod. Anyway, they’re gonna let me start TIG (tungsten inert gas) flat welding next time.

      Malum means evil and apple in Latin. This is why the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil is portrayed as an apple.

      • Count Potato

        TIG welding is amazing if you can get good at it.

      • blackjack

        I love to weld with the TIG machine. I’m merely adequate with it ( and barely that, sometimes!) but I love it. You can heat a tiny spot to melting, move it over a few inches and hold it while the first spot cools completely. Amazing is the perfect word.

  2. Hank

    “Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University”

    He also graduated from there, majoring in non-Euclidean Geometry.

  3. juris imprudent

    …including a high school diploma.

    About what one is worth these days.

  4. westernsloper

    The last time I was in a Chucky Cheese some 20 + years ago my kid stood on the edge of the ball pit, roared like a maniac and leaped/belly flopped into the pit. The pizza was horrible but the ski ball was awesome because I ruled the lanes. I destroyed my son because he was 5 and I had to teach him what loss felt like.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Somehow I can picture this quite clearly

    • pistoffnick

      I used to have the skee ball skills. It was how I won the previously mentioned “Farrah Fawcett in a swim suit on a cold day” poster.

      • blackjack

        That poster ruled the world in the late seventies. Before boob jobs took over.

      • Fourscore

        My son, now 58, had that poster prominently hung in his bedroom. I always paused when I was in his room looking for my stuff that he had “borrowed”

  5. rhywun

    Biden’s yakking on every channel – perfect opportunity to catch up on some work in another room but now I’m done and he’s still yakking 🙁

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      I caught a bit of the evening news (to my dismay) to see Nancy and Joey spiking the ball on their new ball of graft that just passed.

      *bends over and prepares for another round of reaming*

    • Gender Traitor

      He’s not on the Discovery Channel. It’s BattleBots, baby!

  6. rhywun

    The tickets may then be exchanged for various prizes, including a high school diploma.

    LOL

    • Rat on a train

      You get your choice of inner city school district.

  7. blackjack

    Somebody once heard this and thought, “Yeah, that dude can totally replace ozzy!”

    • rhywun

      I like Rainbow but man that is the worst band name evar.

      • kinnath

        Rainbow but man that is the worst band name evar.

        Wrong: Hootie & the Blowfish

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Chumbawumba begs to differ.

      • blackjack

        Later, someone thought,” This guy can totally replace Dio!”

      • kinnath

        I like this one:

        Stone Cold

      • blackjack

        Good one. Another winner! Two, actually.

      • kinnath

        and

      • blackjack

        That’s a really good one, thanks!

      • blackjack

        I shoulda listened first. It’s just a reprise.

      • KromulentKristen

        There was a Duran Duran tribute alum done by a bunch of metal and hard rock bands, and the one that covered Rio changed the words to something like “His name was Dio. Ronny James Dio” I LOLed.

      • KromulentKristen

        Ska/punk band Goldfinger did the Rio cover. I’m not so into the punk elements, but when they go ska on the chorus, it rocks! Wish the whole song was ska.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvywhhgoK58

      • Count Potato

        Pretty much only the bass is ska, the drums and vocals aren’t.

      • Count Potato

        I love the Dickies. Best bunch of heroin addicts I ever hung out with. How Stan looked that good for his age is beyond me.

      • KromulentKristen

        Stuuuuuukas over Disneyland

      • Chipwooder

        Stukas Over Disneyland is still one of my favorite album titles ever

      • rhywun

        Stukas über Deutschland

      • Gdragon

        MTX is also name dropped in Tamara
        which I bet you’ll enjoy as well

  8. rhywun

    I’ve finally figured it out.

    Biden is a Betazoid. It explains the weird black eyes.

    • one true athena

      It’s the skinsuit on the lizard person starting to fray at the edges.

  9. DEG

    This makes me like Chuck E. Cheese.

    • rhywun

      That place was like heaven for kids.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Where a kid could be a kid ??

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Can’t tell me what to do.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Shit

    • DEG

      It’s been a long time since I’ve seen goatse.

    • Hank

      Should have paid attention to your warning.

      • Hank

        Now I suppose I need to (SPOILER) share the video with someone else, otherwise a hairy teenage Japanese ghost girl will kill me.

    • blackjack

      Your fries are not done yet!

  10. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Wife unit is listening to the dementia patient. A fucking awful speech. It’s all downer lines delivered by a barely cognizant pudding eater.

    • Muzzled Woodchipper

      I wonder how many drugs they had to fill him with to get him through this speech.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The message was “Be good and maybe we’ll let you see each other.”

        Yeah, they can fuck right off.

      • Gender Traitor

        I would only willingly watch a Puddin’ Cup speech if a drinking game were involved.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It truly was awful. It’s a landmark speech just for how bad it was.

        It sounded like it was written by a moral preening wokester.

      • creech

        By tomorrow, it will be the greatest speech since Churchill vowed to fight them on the landing beaches…..

      • hayeksplosives

        Ion going to avoid mentioning the speech to my spouse.

        It might sap him of his remaining will to live.

        (I do believe he’s benefiting from not looking at news on the Internet lately.)

      • UnCivilServant

        Don’t do it, you’d be dead from alcohol poisoning.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Is there a late twenties Hawaiian shirt wearing guy standing to either side of him or did the buzzards perched overhead run them off?

  11. Derpetologist

    Can’t find the Simpsons clip. There was one where Otto is playing the claw machine game and he chooses a lobster harmonica over a Harvard diploma.

    In west Africa, coffins are often made in fun shapes, like lobsters and harmonicas

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuUvDSr6uyU

    • Count Potato

      That’s odd, because aren’t harmonicas German?

      • rhywun

        Maybe the Germans learned it from Togolanders.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Well AKs are Russian and they’re pretty handy with those too.

      • Derpetologist

        Kolache pastries are from eastern Europe. In Russian, they are called kalashi. A person who makes them is called Kalashnikov.

        It’s like if an American gun was called donut-er.

        “Khlav kalash?”

        “OK, I’ll take a bowl.”

        “Not bowl, stick!”

        [eats it. licks stick]

        “Now what do you have to wash that terrible taste out of my mouth?”

        “Mountain Dew or crab juice.”

        “Blech! I’ll take the crab juice!”

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        A reference to the best not quite the golden age of The Simpsons episode is always appreciated.

      • Timeloose

        Twin towers bathroom. I shouldn’t have drank all that crab juice.

      • Rat on a train

        It would be kalashnik for the profession. The -ik ending makes an actor out of another word. Compare with печатать (to print) – печатник (printer), стеколь (glass) – стекольщик (glazier), водопровод (plumbing) – водопроводчик (plumber). Kalashnikov with the -ov ending would be a last name indicating descent from a kalashnik when names where fixed.

    • Hank

      I’m not Ghana go out like that if I can help it.

      • Animal

        Ugh. You Congo now.

      • Derpetologist

        You just can’t stand puns, Kenya?

      • pistoffnick

        Yer Guinea get a narrowed gaze!

      • Derpetologist

        Uganda be kidding me.

      • pistoffnick

        You Kilimanjaro me, mon!

      • Tejicano

        If you’re leaving then get Djibouti up outta that seat Ango(la).

      • Derpetologist

        Sorry, I need Togo sleep. If we need to talk Morocco you.

      • blackjack

        You’re just Madagascar can still beat a Tesla in most measures.

      • rhywun

        You’re just Madagascar can still beat a Tesla in most measures.

        I… wow. Bravo.

      • UnCivilServant

        Hrm, definately a Chad move.

      • Derpetologist

        I watched Jumanji in Africa with my host family brother while practicing Swahili.

        Africa level – over 9000

      • straffinrun

        Niger, please.

  12. Derpetologist

    this gal has such a great voice – wish she’d sing the national anthem for a big sportsball game

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hkmuTvkp_s

    for some reason, she makes me think of SP

    • rhywun

      rawk

      Not bad.

  13. Tres Cool

    I just woke up. Was the Biden speech special effects good enough that you couldnt see them operating his mouth ?

    • rhywun

      I dunno but you could visibly tell that the drugs were wearing off after twenty minutes.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Aricept and Modafinil are a hell of a combination I’m sure. The latter usually lasts longer than that though and I hope to never find out about the former.

  14. LCDR_Fish

    Just heard from my Gourmeltz buddy – he’s got his next hearing tomorrow. Apparently the judge has libertarian tendencies, but I guess we’ll wait and see. He owes me an update tomorrow night. He also said he’s supposed to be on Fox & Friends on Saturday morning before his place opens (filmed in the restaurant apparently). I’ll see if I get more updates tomorrow ;p

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m eager to find out what happens.

  15. Fourscore

    Barber shop, Walmart, Fleet Farm, Applebees and Cub Foods today. Mrs F and I didn’t wear masks, not a peep from anyone. A number of folks at each place were maskless. Walmart was giving vaccines but we skipped that part too.

    “Free at last, free at last, Thank dog almighty we’re free at last.”

    • Tundra

      That is great news. Thanks.

  16. UnCivilServant

    … I only ordered one shallot?

    I must be tired.

    • rhywun

      Depends on what you’re doing with it. I like the little ones because cooking for one they are the perfect size. A big shallot or most regular onions just wind up stinking up my fridge.

      • UnCivilServant

        They’re the little ones.

        I don’t know what I’m doing with it yet, I’m restocking my kitchen.

      • Count Potato

        I generally cook for two, and have leftovers. It also depends how much onions you put in your food, but I very rarely have a “used” onion in my fridge.

      • UnCivilServant

        I cook for one, and the easiest way to control my intake is to not cook enough to overeat. So I don’t have leftovers.

      • blackjack

        I keep one on my belt.

      • Spudalicious

        A shallot is much easier to carry than an onion.

  17. kinnath

    So is Joe Manchin going to kill the filibuster just so that Dems can restrict guns?

    • Count Potato

      I fucking hope not.

    • blackjack

      Joe loves the fact that he’s the sole vote that matters. If he kills the filly, he ain’t no more.

      • Sukkoi19

        He was on a local radio station here in West Virginia and was getting excoriated by the host and callers for his vote to convict Trump. He mentioned that he is unsure if he wants to run again 2024. I think he knows he is done here electorally so he has nothing to lose.

      • UnCivilServant

        But does he have anything to gain?

      • Sukkoi19

        Who knows what is being promised in back door meetings. I am probably just being pessimistic.

      • blackjack

        No such thing in politics. You could freak yourself right out and it turns out you shoulda been three times worse.

    • Urthona

      Doesn’t seem like it would be popular enough in his state.

    • kinnath

      Chuck Schummer went out of his way to piss all over Susan Collins this week.

      So Manchin is key to killing the filibuster.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Like Collins would let that stop her from being the Democrats’ lap dog for very long.

    • rhywun

      That ass is wore out from the drugs. But I’ll repeat what I said the first time I saw this. That kid was failed by everybody around him – including the mom.

    • blackjack

      He is stupid. At some point way, way, way earlier, he should have stopped showing up and devoted his time to something productive like shoplifting. ‘Tard!

    • commodious spittoon

      But sure, let’s cram their curriculums full of grievance studies classes. They failed to teach arithmetic or literacy, why worry when they fail to teach critical theory?

    • commodious spittoon

      I watched probably a dozen of his videos before I realized he’s not referring to himself as a macho litigator.

      • KromulentKristen

        LOL

      • UnCivilServant

        What is with sideways avatars?

      • Gender Traitor

        Looks OK to me.

      • blackjack

        I always feel a ‘lil dirty when I do this.

      • KromulentKristen

        Say what?

      • UnCivilServant

        The pictures for Yusef and KK appear sideways. I’m wondering if this is something the two of you chose to do, or some sort of bug.

      • KromulentKristen

        Mine isn’t sideways for me. GT’s is sideways, though.

      • KromulentKristen

        Yusuf’s isn’t sideways for me, either.

      • UnCivilServant

        GT’s is upright on my screen.

        So I’m guessing it’s a bug. Probably browser dependent.

      • Gender Traitor

        How about now?

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re still upright.

      • straffinrun

        GT is my fav.

      • KromulentKristen

        Now you’re upside-down GT! HAHAHA

      • Gender Traitor

        Huh? Wuh? All the blood rushed to my head and I passed out.

        That’s enough of that sort of thing.

  18. Trigger Hippie

    *hits bowl, sips beer*

    I think kbolino may be my favorite commenter here. He/She(?) has a way of distilling the crux of the matter down to its purest essence.

  19. Tejicano

    I don’t get it… Why is Universal Background Checks (with a blood relative cut out) about to get passed into law and everybody is scared to say it? I understand the mainstream media trying to keep this on the down low but what is everybody else going along with misrepresenting it too?

    And next – how long before they roll out their scheme for enforcing it? My guess is that they will sidestep around registering owners and just keep a database on all gun serial numbers. Guns won’t be registered to the owner – they will just keep a list for each serial number showing who purchased it last. “There! Happy now?”

    • UnCivilServant

      One Big thing is also a change in procedure. Currently if the Feds don’t answer after three days, the store can assume the buyer passed.

      In the new bill, if the feds don’t answer in ten days, the store has to ask if the buyer passed or not – but the feds don’t have to answer, and thus can stall the transaction indefinitely without any process, let alone a due process.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Something something rights delayed are rights denied. Except for guns.

      • Tejicano

        My guess on this “10 day maximum” change to the NICS delay (“Justice delayed is justice denied” – Who said that?) will, via administrative instruction, become a 10 day minimum for every transfer. The excuse will be “We have to make sure every transfer is proper and legal”. That will cool down the firearms market – which would be their real motive.

      • Sukkoi19

        Brady checks are depressing. I have had them drag it out more than 5 days in which case I can release the firearm to the customer. However I never do as every single time it has comeback denied a day later and ATF is then madly calling me to find out if I released the firearm. If I had then they dispatch agents to collect the firearm and I can only imagine how that goes. I don’t want to be responsible for some poor guy getting SWATTED by ATF.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Who is going along with it or scared? There’s really only the MSM (or corporate media) and the whackjobs’s seditionist outlets now.

      Besides, Universal Background Checks sounds even better and would poll highly among most Americans. Only criminals would oppose background checks. It’s the sort of common sense gun control that worthless POS grifter Alan Gottlieb supports.

      • blackjack

        There’ll be a long list of states blatantly refusing to allow it. It’ll be a showdown. The supremes will have to weigh in. It don’t matter to me much, I’m already subject to even more than this. I’d just like to think that the rest of the country mostly won’t put up with that crap.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Sure. I remember all the state refusing to implement the Brady Bill or the AWB.

      • blackjack

        It’s a different world now. There’s not much goodwill left between the blue and red states.

      • Spudalicious

        My city of 25,000 declared it a 2A sanctuary city a year ago.

      • Tejicano

        I can see the feds programing the NICS software to automatically delay all transactions by 5 to 10 days with the excuse that they are just being more diligent – just another common sense measure.

        That will give the (D) party what they want – de facto death to all gun show transactions and most face-to-face transactions.

        In the current political environment this would be just too easy to do.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        I wonder if they really want a challenge in SCOTUS.

        It could mean a loss would also invalidate bans in CA and the other deep blue states. I don’t know if this court is the one they want to set themselves back in.

        I don’t doubt that the court has a good chance of validating this bullshit, but I think the chances are better than not it would go the right way.

        I doubt it gets through the senate anyways. Unless they kill the filibuster, it’s got no chance. But nothing really surprises me anymore.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah. I wouldn’t say we are in uncharted waters but it sure doesn’t look that same as it did the last time we came through here.

        I assume they are expecting to get this through the Senate. Then add a few administrative tweaks over the next year. Then try to pass something else. By the time SCOTUS decides to step in will be 4 to 6 years from now. By then they could have altered the entire landscape to the point that SCOTUS wouldn’t even scratch the surface on the damage.

  20. Trigger Hippie

    ‘…said the chain’s Senior Vice President Joanna Gambolputty…’

    *ahem*

    Thats: Johanna Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle- dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser- kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle- gerspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönedanker-kalbsfleisch- mittler-aucher von Hautkopft…of Ulm.

      • Trigger Hippie

        I…I’m entirely too faded to even try to sing either one of those songs.

    • straffinrun

      If you didn’t copy n paste that, bravo!

      • Trigger Hippie

        No bravos for me, sadly.

        I’m far too lazy to enact that much mental labor for you lot.

      • Hank

        I thought all Monty Python fans had that name tattooed on our – I mean their – stomachs.

      • blackjack

        Thought you were going somewhere else, then I realized most of you probably couldn’t fit it there.

      • Hank

        The joke occurred to me, but I would invite counter-jokes about “who’s Johan”?

    • creech

      You forgot “Frau” (or Fraulein) Doktor.” How dare you disrespect a woman’s hard work to achieve the academic summit.

    • JG43

      That bad boy is 250 amps DC

      • blackjack

        Grats. That’s going to lay out some nice smooth welds.

  21. straffinrun

    Guess I got a little drunk and soiled up the am links. ☺️. Evidently I got so drunk I got retweeted by Scott Horton. Question: do you get more libertarian the more you drink?

    • blackjack

      There was slurring.

      • straffinrun

        Meant to say sluicing.

  22. Mojeaux

    I have never been to a Chuck E. Cheese.

    However, I adore skeeball.

    So does God.

      • Mojeaux

        You should get TWO narrowed gazes for that.

        OTOH *wild applause*

  23. straffinrun

    If you admit that you’ve used a racial slur as just a simple joke (fell flat or not), why don’t you have to offer a public apology like they demand of people that get caught on video? The crime was the same and you’ve admitted to it. How many people haven’t violated these new rules as they are being retroactively applied? The whole country should be fired.

    • rhywun

      I used the N-word once. I was like 13 years old and to be fair, the kid was sort of trying to drown me during gym class swimming. I don’t think he heard it.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, but I wasn’t a wigger.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Heeeyyyy, I was also a redneck, thank you very much.

      • rhywun

        You’ve seen my links. I listen to like the whitest music ever.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Have you ever posted country and western music from the 50’s and 60’s? No?

        Pure Whitness: Denied

        😉

      • rhywun

        You’ve got me there.

      • Trigger Hippie

        I just knew somebody would post Charley Pride.

        My personal opinion: Chuck P had the most generic, muzak sound amongst his peers. That’s the only reason he was palatable to the C&W crowd of the day. His sound was mediocrity distilled. Fine for the masses, completely forgettable outside his racial novelty.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I don’t disagree. And why Cowboy Troy and his hick-hop never took off.

    • Trigger Hippie

      I shudder to think about the amount of racial slurs I’ve typed out here and at TOS over the years. Sure, I tried to make a point of using them only for highlighting the absurdity of racial grievances in relation to the given story but context be damned!

      On second thought, I don’t shudder to think. If you’re willing to forgo the acceptance of polite society, acceptance within your community, and have no qualms with a minimalist way of living, you too can say: Fuck All*

      *I realize this is easier said than done. Especially when you have a family and their immediate future to consider*

      Point being: ?

      • Trigger Hippie

        ?Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose?

      • straffinrun

        It’s a dumb game they are playing. Worse than Simon ™. A world where intent doesn’t matter isn’t a world I accept.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Me either but it’s the world we here in the West are going to get, good and hard.

        That’s why I’m doing my best to opt out of this shit as much as possible for the foreseeable future.

        I don’t own shit, my finances are on a month to month basis, I’m basically dodging the taxman, I’m slowly working myself off the grid entirely. Western Woke culture can’t touch me anymore. All this nonsense is just feedback I can mostly ignore if I so choose.

        The trade off is being on the fringe of society with no real safety net. I have no family and am misanthropic by nature so I personally think it’s worth it.

        Again, I realize this isn’t a viable option for those with families unless you’re the most committed sort of Isolationist. I don’t begrudge the go along to get along crowd.

        I just think over time those frog asses will realize thier asses are boiling after it’s too late.

      • straffinrun

        If I were a misanthrope, I’d be a statist.

      • Trigger Hippie

        I suffer the duality of being a Humanist who hates most of humanity. I want you all to be as free as possible…and wish most of you would just leave me the fuck alone.

    • Hank

      Under the strict logic of the Bostock decision, employers must apply the same penalties, regardless of race, for any employee who used the Word in Question.

      I mean, if you have to treat men who marry men the same way you treat women who marry men, without regard to social context, then how can you justify lenient treatment for black employees who call each other you-know-what?

      Which means black employees could be fired even for using the word in a jesting manner, if similar jests by white people would earn a firing. It may take some time for this logic to work out, and then to work out into the broader culture, but it seems to me to be a plausible development.

      • straffinrun

        Carve outs. All hate crime laws have then inherently included.

      • Hank

        Maybe so – I suspect it will be litigated.

        For the moment, it’s true, we have what I think is called the Borscht Belt Rule that you can make fun of “your own.” Maybe it should be called the Chris Rock rule.

        I even have some sympathy for the rule, but it’s unstable. White plaintiffs will be getting fired for (say) quoting Martin Luther King (who in his famous Birmingham letter recalled being called the word), then the whites will sue with examples of black colleagues who used the word without penalty. Companies could respond by saying “OK, if you insist on ruining the word for everyone, nobody can use it from here on out!”

        There was a black cop in Florida who got fired for it – of course the union is sticking for him.

        https://www.insider.com/black-florida-officer-fired-for-using-n-word-on-bodycam-2021-3

      • rhywun

        I’m so over all of this.

      • Hank

        I’m tired of it, but I bet it’s not tired of me.

      • straffinrun

        While justice begs for consistency, legislators’ political lives depend on unequal treatment of constituents. Don’t trust the black robed ghouls to stand up to political pressure.

    • rhywun

      I don’t get it but LURV that song. Or at least the first 30 seconds of it. ?

      • Mojeaux

        It’s ELO. What’s not to lurv?

      • rhywun

        Nothing is not to lurv. Much hits. Many awesome.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The 30 seconds is the best.

  24. Hank

    The kids are our future, so why do the kids look like a boot stomping on a human face forever?

    From the campus newspaper of the University of Connecticut:

    “Don’t Be Fooled: ‘Free speech’ is a euphemism for inequity

    “By Nell Srinath -March 8, 2021

    “…The implications [of a proposed free-speech policy] are clear and present. Has a student senator expressed antisemitism during their tenure in a position of power? We could not censure them in solidarity with the Jewish student community. Is a cisgender student harassing a transgender classmate with inaccurate talking points about the effects of hormone therapy? They must be tolerated. Is an anti-Black or Islamophobic speaker being invited to campus, using infrastructure and servers paid for by our tuition money? You must suffer it for the sanctity of free speech….

    “This is all not to say that white, abled, cisgender and heterosexual students do not deserve a voice in our community; I simply put forth that this slate of perspectives has been dominant for far too long, inhibiting the prospect of a collective understanding of the world around us. Now, it is time for a counternarrative. For a healthy academic environment to flourish, historically underrepresented perspectives such as those coming out of Black studies, Women, Gender and Sexuality studies, and disability scholarship must be empowered. On the other hand, ideas apologizing for everyday material and cultural harm against our marginalized peers must be challenged by our university community, not given a special theater box in the academic theater.”

    https://dailycampus.com/2021/03/08/dont-be-fooled-free-speech-is-a-euphemism-for-inequity/

    • rhywun

      Argle bargle herpity derpity doo. I can’t listen to another second of that flapdoodle.

      • Hank

        I should have just posted that first paragraph, as giving practical examples of the sorts of censorship she wants to see.

    • straffinrun

      No. Free Speech is not up for debate no matter how many circular arguments wrapped in your cult’s jargon are given. Fuck off.

    • EvilSheldon

      My free speech is more important than your feelings.

      I mean, pretty much everything is more important than your feelings, including what I’m having for lunch tomorrow. But my free speech is especially so.

      Also, inequity is good and necessary, both for personal and cultural progress.

    • Chafed

      1. Free speech isn’t up for debate.
      2. Your tuition isn’t paying the freight.
      3. If your rules were enforced you would be among the first up against the wall.

  25. Q Continuum

    Just dropped in to say that q-ette is doing well, Mrs. Q is still pretty banged up but only 5 pounds off her pre-preg weight (in 3 weeks!) and I’m exhausted. But all is well.

    https://archive.li/1I7wp

    TITS.

    • blackjack

      Right on! Hope you get to have some sleep every once in a while.

    • straffinrun

      Great!

    • Trigger Hippie

      Glad to hear that your family is doing well.

      #11 can fuck right off, not in a good way

      #31 is a cartoon character, in a good way

    • rhywun

      LOL I was expecting baby-tits or something.

      Not the real thing, how boring.

    • Hank

      🙂

      • Hank

        (for the baby and the Mrs.)

        (just to be clear)

    • slumbrew

      Excellent news, Q. Continued health to the clan.

      I’ll share my younger brother’s advice (3 boys, each a couple years apart):

      “Please don’t ask me if I’m tired – I’m always tired and if I talk about it, I just feel more tired. So just assume I’m tired.”

      His “pretending I’m not always tired” plan worked out pretty well.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Expecting Irish twins yet?

      Only joshing, glad to hear the good news Q!

  26. Don escaped Cancun

    Raul Malo’s second set tonight included

    four tunes from new platter En Español
    Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain
    A Change is gonna Come
    Legend in My Time
    Crazy
    Here Comes the Rain
    Harvest Moon Blue Bayou
    Everything About You
    Stardust

  27. Akira

    OT: How do you stop your breath from fogging up glasses when you are forced to wear a face diaper?

    After 15+ years of contacts, I got a pair of glasses just as backup and to wear occasionally when I want to fool people into thinking I’m smart. I didn’t think about the fog issue. Any tips?

    • Don escaped Cancun

      spend a bunch on surface tension spray

      or

      tighten up the top of your mask . . . and loosen the bottom . . . so the breath doesn’t ever get to your specs

    • straffinrun

      Those sponge masks breathe a lot more.

    • slumbrew

      I go with “taking off the stupid mask until my wife pitches a fit”.

      I know people recommend getting the top of the mask up under the glasses, but that doesn’t quite work with my face geometry.

    • rhywun

      I don’t. It’s a pain in the fucking ass.

    • The Hyperbole

      learn to breathe through your ears.

    • Hyperion

      It’s impossible, just forget about it.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Small piece of tissue paper (kimwipes delicate task wipers lens paper is a good size) folded so it fits lengthwise underneath the top point of contact across the bridge.

    • Broswater

      Put it under your nose until someone dare challenges you about it. Then fake it like you didn’t do it purposefully, and thank the person informing you of your faux pas.

      Walk away, pull it down again.

    • Mad Scientist

      Put it on with the loop over your ears twisted once. This causes it to be tighter around your nose and also creates a gap on the sides where most of your breath escapes. Your glasses will barely fog.

      • Festus

        No way. I already resemble Mike Ehrmentraut. My jug-ears become lopped if I just pull the fucking mask down.

  28. Hyperion

    There was just something creepy about Chuck E Cheese, right from the beginning for me. I think it started with the sister of one of my x GFs. First time I ever met her she dragged us all to Chuck E Cheese, which I had never heard of before and yeah, the pizza was the absolute worse. Not a kid among us, just like 8 adults at Chuck E Cheese. I’m like, man you people are fucking weird, I’m never coming back here again.

  29. egould310

    Late night confession; I really like the band .38 Special. I’ve been watching a bunch of their live stuff on YouTube. So good. And “Caught Up In You” is a perfect power pop tune.

    • Chafed

      Have you been smoking with Trigger Hippie?

  30. Yusef drives a Kia

    Early Morning Howdy Glibs, it’s a black one over here, Depressed again, I’m too fucking moody, aghhhhh!

  31. Tejicano

    Food! You’re still breathing and the sun will be up to try to brighten things up a little. You’ve got all your major appendages as well. Put them to work.

    What do I know. I’ve had a few beers and am riding the train home.

  32. Tejicano

    WTF – Dood …not food

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Yes, I am, Women are my issue, or maybe lack thereof, can’t get any traction, and Masks are terrible for meeting girls,

      • Tejicano

        Were I in your position I’d probably write on my mask – “Actually better looking without this”

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I like it,

      • Festus

        Hows about “You can’t see my tongue thru this mask but he sees you!”

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Sean, you need to get out of there, it’s always crime and death in Philly it seems,

      • Sean

        I’m not in the city. I’m out in the armed suburbs.

      • R C Dean

        Well, armed for now.

    • Festus

      *faints like a goat*

    • Festus

      Her Mom is Gilfy.

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, UCS.

      • UnCivilServant

        How goes it in your corner of the country?

      • Gender Traitor

        A little foggy and in the upper 30s at the moment. Mostly cloudy and high in the upper 50s predicted.

        And I see my township made not just one but TWO headlines in the local news this morning – an officer-involved shooting AND a man hit by both a car and a bus.

        My township rarely makes it into the headlines with GOOD news. 🙁

      • Gender Traitor

        How about your neck of the woods?

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, I don’t pay attention to the news because they don’t report good news and I can’t afford more distress.

        But no new bleeding, so I’m on the mend. I did get a little written, so you should have a description of fictional shinies in your inbox.

      • Gender Traitor

        Found it right before bed! Was just penning (keying?) a brief but enthusiastic reply. Aaaaaand SEND!

      • Gender Traitor

        Very glad you’re healing!

      • UnCivilServant

        Thank you. I did answer the email questions.

        But the workday has started, so I have to answer boring work emails too 🙁

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Sounds like Manistee, except a little old lady hit and run, sad

  33. Tejicano

    Morning. Evening. Pretty much the same to me.

    • Gender Traitor

      Evening, Teji. What’s the world like in the future?

      • Tejicano

        Not much different from the past. Maybe sux a little more. Maybe a little less. At least my work week is done so I’ve got that going for me.

  34. Yusef drives a Kia

    Friday, some good music and the dawn has lightened my spirit, I hope everyone has a gtreat day, Mornin Glibbies

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, Yu. Carpe boletus!

  35. Yusef drives a Kia

    8.5 miles walking yesterday, lets see if I cant go further today

    • Tejicano

      Excellent! Wish I could say the same.

    • Festus

      Just pretend that Wapner is coming on at about 4:50. That’ll get yer ya-yas out!

  36. Yusef drives a Kia

    Carpe Carpio, Yusef out, for now!

    • UnCivilServant

      continue to have a good day.

    • UnCivilServant

      Looking for tips on living off the grid?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        His manifesto was an interesting read, I’ll give him that.

  37. Sean
    • Festus

      Aw. It turned out that it was just Jap porn. : (

      • Sean

        Yes, more silly than titillating.

      • Festus

        That silly girl balancing insulation on her head was much more satisfying.