The Gwen pt.4 Contact

by | Apr 5, 2021 | Fiction | 226 comments

 

 

Cap, we have a Sensor lock, 20 minutes, (memory access 2552) we have chased this thing for 2 months now, following a Heliocentric orbit, aimed at Mars again, why? We have been Fukin with it, close fast passes to see when they would bounce us, we got used to that. I guess they did too, after a slow flyby, we were ready, our drop ship had fast attack capabilities, so we could beam out in an instant.(close memory access)

ย โ€œ Helm, you have the Shipโ€ Aye Cap, and off we went, Sensors showed what appeared to be a porthole, so we made for that, and once the Grav dock kicked in, we were ready, for what? Who the Fuk knows.With weapons drawn, I touched the door and, Voila! It opened without a sound,

(there is no sound in space) and I stepped in, why not? The Black could kill us anytime it wanted to, and despite what it did to my home, this needed a finish, so I proceeded. โ€œSensors! What do you have?โ€ It looks like a big pile of nothing Sir, all Carbon, no electrical power, just nothing but Carbon Sir, well then, โ€œBoys ,search mode, vid, and teams of 2, find out what we have, we may have struck Goldโ€

ย (memory access 2552) what to say, sheโ€™s been gone a year now, I have been in touch with a good friend who keeps me company, so I have that, but this is become an obsession, I must know what it is, why is it here, what the Hell does it want? (close memory access)

Cap, Got something you should see! โ€œโ€On my wayโ€ answers are what we need right now,

โ€œShow meโ€ well Sir, there is something alive in there, but we canโ€™t open the case itโ€™s in, and it seems to be the Brain of the Black, pardon my expression Sir, โ€œwell said Sensors, good work, extra ration of Grog for you Sir!โ€ Thankee Cap!

ย How to get in without killing the contents? Carbon can be shattered to bits with even our smallest weapons, but pinpoint cuts? I spoke with the Master Chef, โ€œ Chef, Good Man! How are you this fine day! โ€œ being a large Negroid, 7โ€™ 11โ€ you showed respect, or they would kill you, thatโ€™s how that planet did things, so we respected that, โ€œ I need a carbon cutter that adjusts for depth and stops before it kills whatโ€™s inside, wadda ya think?โ€ โ€œ and by the way, the Souffle was greatโ€ 12 hours Boss man, done for you, and I knew we were finally on to somethingโ€ฆ.

To be continued

 

About The Author

Yusef drives a Kia

Yusef drives a Kia

Punctually illiterate But never late

226 Comments

  1. juris imprudent

    OT right off the bat. Come at me Bro’!

    My birthday dinner tonight was veal chops, with a reduction of leftover sauce from Tuscan style ribs, mushroom risotto and roasted yellow squash and zucchini. I am savoring my second glass of wine in high contentment. I cooked and Mrs JI is cleaning – I love that woman!

    • Ted S.

      As long as it’s a good wine.

      • juris imprudent

        I’m a ’58, the wine is not – just a nice Mondavi Cab. I’m not THAT self-indulgent!

    • westernsloper

      Happy Birthday juris!

    • Tres Cool

      Im not sure if that’s your actual pic, or a weird Burl Ives/Hemmingway photoshop.

      Happy Birthday!

      • juris imprudent

        I have the facial hair, but not the talent of either (and very happily not the disposition of the latter).

      • Hyperion

        It’s him. I already commented on the pr0n stache and he confirmed it is indeed him.

    • blackjack

      Not really all that OT. Something about the chef and a souffle. Happy b-day, btw.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Happy stinking birthday, ya filthy animal!

      I looked at 1958 wine, they are
      far more
      than I would spend, but not as absurdly priced as I expected.

      • juris imprudent

        The Gattinara sounds interesting, but yeah, a little more than a non-milestone birthday would merit.

    • kinnath

      Congrats

    • C. Anacreon

      Happy birthday!

      Now that you’re 63, you can start singing to Mrs JI “will you still feed me, will you still need me, when I’m 64?”

    • DEG

      Happy Birthday!

  2. blackjack

    (there is no sound in space)

    She’s a screamer, but nobody cares.

    • Tres Cool

      Thats why I cant fuck with asian women- too much squeaking. Banging them reminds me of the dog’s squeaky toy and I lose my stride.

      Maybe I should sign up for the trip to Mars with that japanese broad from “Pacific Rim(job)”.

      • Q Continuum

        Two words: ball gag.

      • Tejicano

        I used to “go with” an Asian-American girl when I was in grad school. Her voice would change as she was going through different stages of arousal – like some kind of multiple personality issue. Her normal voice was a bit low (for a female) and as she was getting into the feeling it turned high and almost childlike, then when she was going for the brass ring it turned deep and almost a growl. It was a bit disconcerting but not enough to make me lose my stride.

      • db

        Sounds like a case of straight-up demonic possession.

        On the plus side: free pea soup!

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Something something rub it three times to make the demon come out.

      • Tejicano

        Like I said, it was a bit disconcerting, especially the first time, but she had some mad oral skills (which, of course, did not include the vocalization!) which made up for everything else. I’ll never forget the feeling like I was melting through the floor.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Many redheads of questionable authenticity. Us gingers know our own.

      #1 is a great start though.

      • Q Continuum

        q-ette is turning ginger. Either Mrs. Q was getting strange or her side’s genes destroyed my (((swarthiness))).

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I was surprised when my firstborn was ginger, her mother has brown hair, which I thought was genetically dominant.

      • UnCivilServant

        It is, but she might also have had a recessive ginger gene.

      • UnCivilServant

        What you really needed to worry about were if you were both ginger and the baby turned out brunette.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Or, “O’Doyle Rules!”

    • juris imprudent

      Much cuteness, much youth.

    • kinnath

      31

    • Hank

      #4 – OK, my shopping is done, let me get to the checkout line.

    • DEG

      Nice.

  3. Don escaped Cancun

    https://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/mlb/why-baseball-should-keep-the-all-star-game-in-atlanta/ar-BB1fknJt?li=BB141NW3&ocid=mailsignout

    “If Major League Baseball was truly worried about protecting the ability to vote in Georgiaโ€”and making sure Georgiaโ€™s disenfranchised voters werenโ€™t silencedโ€”there was a much, much better way to act: Bring the full force of baseballโ€™s celebrity power to bear on Georgia itself. . .

    . . . the decision of Major League Baseball to act was right, in an abstract, pro-democracy moral sense. But politics isnโ€™t just about parading your virtue. Itโ€™s about real outcomesโ€”getting real people to really voteโ€”and by that standard, what the league did was to ignore a heaven-sent opportunity to actually do something concrete.”

    • Q Continuum

      I’m having a really hard time caring about this issue.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        This might affect the Kissing Bandit.

      • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

        What do you mean? Stacy Abrams is involved. She’s got plenty of tits.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Boobies-do (her belly sticks out further than her boobies do, the male equivalent is dicky-do) are excluded from consideration.

      • juris imprudent

        Obligatory

      • juris imprudent

        This time WITH link.

    • rhywun

      Narrator: “Major League Baseball doesn’t give two shits about protecting the ability to vote in Georgia.”

    • blackjack

      You know what’s disenfranchising? Some random truck showing up at midnight with boxes full of ballots being counted after all of the fucking observers got sent home. By people who are all wearing Biden/Harris buttons. That’s some disenfranchising right fucking there!

      • J. Frank Parnell

        You know whatโ€™s disenfranchising fortifying? Some random truck showing up at midnight with boxes full of ballots being counted after all of the fucking observers got sent home. By people who are all wearing Biden/Harris buttons. Thatโ€™s some disenfranchising fortifying right fucking there!

        FIFY

    • Trigger Hippie

      Not for nothing, who’s the last MLB player with any social relevance? Bonds? ARod? Does anybody in America actually give a shit what MLB players have to say about anything?*

      *fan of baseball who played the sport for eleven years as a kid.

  4. robc

    If anyone cares, I can verify that King Soopers is Kroger.

    • Q Continuum

      Yes. It is my go to.

      • robc

        Harris Teeter, which is my go to in SC, has some differences. King Soopers is a Kroger with the wrong name on the building.

        And it looks like it will be our go to in the greater Fort Collins area.

    • LJW

      Chains owned by Kroger

      Dillons
      Food 4 Less[84]
      Fred Meyer
      Fred Meyer Jewelers
      Fry’s
      Harris Teeter
      Home Chef
      King Soopers
      Kroger[85]
      The Little Clinic
      Mariano’s
      QFC
      Ralphs
      Roundy’s[86][87]
      Ruler Foods
      Smith’s
      Vitacost

      • commodious spittoon

        Ours is Smith’s.

        So did Kroger buy up bunches of local grocery franchises or has Smith’s been a Kroger brand all along?

      • commodious spittoon

        Loads of M&As according to Wikipedia.

    • Tres Cool

      Don’t forget Dillon’s, Fred Meyer’s, Frye’s, Harris Teeter, and Ralph’s. All Kroger.

      • Tres Cool

        So I didnt refresh for 5 minutes….

      • Plinker762

        You’re supposed to constantly refresh to keep the website stats up.

      • LJW

        Setup a script to spam F5!

      • db

        Brochetta sock: confirmed

      • Brochettaward

        I find keyboard commands to be…tricky.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Just think what the number of clicks here would be if Fist of Etiquette migrated over and got into a Firsting War with Bro.

    • Hank

      Find something to demonstrate against and go to a demonstration in another city. If you don’t set unreasonably-high standards you can probably pick up a girl.

      Don’t ask me how I know.

    • blackjack

      Finding them is easy. It’s the getting rid of them that’s hard.

      • db

        Maybe that’s why Hank goes to another city…

  5. Yusef drives a Kia

    Hello, hope it’s still fun, think Comic Book from the 30ths, I’ll keep it up,
    Thanks Glibbies!, Out!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      or the 30s,

    • blackjack

      Cool story. Thanks!

    • kinnath

      keep it coming

    • straffinrun

      Thanks, Yoofus.

    • rhywun

      I pity the parents and children trapped in the middle of the gigantic piles of misinformation being peddled by these charlatans.

      “Gender affirming care” – holy hell how did we arrive at this point?!

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Why is it my job to affirm someone who lives in a fucking fantasy world?

        Fuck them.

        Iโ€™m more than happy to see people do whatever the fuck they want, up to and including self mutilation.

        But Iโ€™ll be goddamned if that translates to me actually believing a dude who cut off his cock and balls is a woman just because he says so.

        GTFO.

      • J. Frank Parnell

        But Iโ€™ll be goddamned if that translates to me actually believing a dude who cut off his cock and balls is a woman just because he says so.

        Hey, at least cutting stuff off shows some commitment to the cause. Not like showing up to a salon and demanding they wax your girldick and ladyballs.

      • Brochettaward

        I won’t believe that they’ve changed genders or were born the opposite gender. Or are genderless. But out of politeness I may indulge them on an individual level and use their preferred pronouns if they are a legit tranny.

        The idea of transitioning children is ludicrous.

      • rhywun

        As long as the preferred pronoun is “he” or “she” and the user makes an honest effort at it, sure.

        Torn on whether “there oughtta be a law”. My gut says “no” but these ghouls are ruining a lot of lives over this shit.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        That’s the thing about these cultural jihads. They make for really bad laws even though people are getting their lives ruined.

        The reality is until somebody shoots up a gender studies class or blows up an HR department (not condoning this, just pointing out a possible end result, preet), these people have nothing to fear. The “give them a taste of their own medicine” mentality has gone nowhere, for many reasons. The “let the rational majority assert themselves” mentality has failed miserably. They’re going to keep stealing everybody else’s lunch money until somebody puts a steel toed boot to their cajones.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Trannies, just like everybody else, deserve a level of polite interaction and benefit of the doubt on the basis of being a person with innate human dignity. Trannies, just like everybody else, can wear out their welcome by being a pain in the ass. Weaponizing being a pain in the ass is the whole point of wokeness.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        See Benihana lady the other day, or don’t.

  6. CPRM

    Damn deer just ran out in front of me this evening. I was able to avoid it enough that it’s some very minor denting and the bumper came a bit detached, but should be able to be put back together and look fine. The one big fatality is my right headlight, the whole case smashed to bits. That’s the same light it cost $100 just to get the bulb changed 3 months ago ๐Ÿ™

      • dbleagle

        Hopefully you threw it in the trunk. If you butcher it well you should almost break even.

    • Brochettaward

      How was the deer, though?

    • DEG

      Sorry.

    • Hank

      Sorry these deer-devils (get it?) have been messing with you (and themselves).

    • creech

      “Minor denting” could be expensive. Some moron let his or her shopping cart loose in the parking lot; I come out and find a small dent in my new car. Quote today was $1,350 to fix it.

      • CPRM

        Unless there is some structural damage I don’t see, I’m just going to have the headlight replaced and the bumper reattached. Like I said, the denting doesn’t look that bad and won’t bother me if it stays.

    • db

      Did you need to call for a bambulance?

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Doh!

      creech, that sounds excessive.

      • creech

        Agreed. Details of quote seemed to have a lot of b.s. And I was told that with a $250 deductible for comprehensive insurance, I shouldn’t really care if my insurance company paid the rest. Still, I’m going to go get another quote at a less prominent collision repair center.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Pops-a-Dent?

  7. The Bearded Hobbit

    The GWEN program (Ground Wave Emergency Network) was designed as a communication system for after a Global Nuclear War. After the nukes the ionosphere would be so highly ionized that normal communications would not be available. I did the EMP test on the system. I don’t think that it is in service anymore.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      That would only affect systems that operate in < HF freqs, right? Satcoms would be pretty hosed, I'd imagine. LOS systems would still be viable if my understanding of RF propagation is correct.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        That was the theory. Anything above a few hundred Hertz would not be able to propagate. LF “walked” around the ionized layer and the ground effects, hence “Ground Wave”.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      It was LF or VLF meaning that only short, coded messages could be sent reliably. I used to spot the antennas when I was traveling, haven’t seen one in many, many years.

      That reminds me of a VLF or ULF system that the Navy was working on to communicate with submarines. If I recall, baud rate was so slow that it was pretty much unusable.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I thought the Navy deployed those systems. I am prepared to be wrong though, most of my knowledge of Naval Operations comes from the Tom Clancy novels I devoured in my youth.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        They may have. I left the DoD complex in the late 80’s and it was still experimental at that time.

        Our HF systems used 100 baud (wpm) communication devices. The Navy system was 1/100th or 1/1000th that speed which meant an 8-digit letter took one to ten minutes to transmit.

        All of this is from 35 years ago so I might be mis-remembering facts.

      • db

        My understanding (again, not with any direct knowledge) is that that bandwidth would have been enough to transmit certain codes to reference certain sealed orders, which might include rendezvous points, target coordinates and attack times, or orders to surface for further instructions or to maintain stealth until further orders.

      • Bobarian LMD

        There was conjecture, with some correlating evidence that the Navy’s ULF experiments may have been what was causing whales and porpoises to run aground. Don’t know how you’d ever prove or disprove what could just be a Greenie conspiracy.

      • Chipping Pioneer
  8. DEG

    extra ration of Grog for you Sir

    YES!

  9. Hank

    Listening to the Burns Hemingway documentary.

    As far as I’ve been able to piece together: He was a great writer who reshaped American literature, while also finding the time to be a real dick.

    • rhywun

      Are there any great writers who reshape literature who aren’t a real dick?

      • CPRM

        I think some may have been fake dicks.

      • Hank

        Hmmm…

        H. L. Mencken seems to have been OK in person. He only married once.

        Mark Twain was grouchy, but wasn’t a dick that I’ve heard of.

      • grrizzly

        Chekhov. He practiced as a doctor through most of his literary career. I believe I’ve attended more performances of his plays in America than in Russia.

      • J. Frank Parnell

        To be fair, you can’t help but compare him favorably to Sulu, who is totally a dick.

      • Hank

        Oh, my!

      • Don escaped Cancun

        well played

      • grrizzly

        Sure.

        *Readjusts the sophisticated European hat. What else can you expect from those low-culture Americans?*

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Oh, Grr, I remember really liking The Seagull, read in .htm about a dozen or so years ago.

      • Hank

        I know who Checkov is. He said that you need to whip it out by the third act, if you have one.

      • C. Anacreon

        *Readjusts the sophisticated European hat. What else can you expect from those low-culture Americans?*

        Ooh, love the sophisticated European shtick. Do you also own Chekhov’s gun?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        He said just above that he’s seen his plays more often in the states than in Russia. He did not specify how he received them.

      • grrizzly

        Come on. I was joking. I’ve been living here long enough that I’m not surprised by anything. Like having a grad student in my dorm who spoke Russian without any accent–he was not any kind of immigrant, much older, probably a former/wannabe CIA agent. Or one of my coworkers loved Russian literature much more than an average educated Russian: I saw shelves and shelves of Russian novels (translated to English) at his place, including those that even Russians in Russia rarely read. Or my acting coach at Harvard who was immensely proud that she had studied acting with Oleg Tabakov, one of the most revered Russian actors and theater directors.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        I like you and trying to decipher your alphabet anyway. Pectopah! ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • grrizzly

        Anybody travelling to Russia should learn the Russian alphabet just a bit. It’s not that different. Suddenly you’ll recognize so many words without even trying.

        Capital letters work best: PECTOPAH.

      • CPRM

        Washington cut down a Cherry Tree…Cherry Orchard…Japs gave DC Cherry Trees…This has big international conspiracy all over it…

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Soooo handsome in his youth though!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Uh, Hemingway.

      • straffinrun

        Iโ€™m a huge Hemingway fan. My memory has always sucked, so when I read a novel and think about it years later, I judge it by how deeply it pulled me into its universe (that feeling I do remember). Hemingway, GG Marquez, H. Murakami have done that better than anybody Iโ€™ve read. Add Tim Oโ€™Brien to that list.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Never read a word somehow. ESL kids were assigned him often.

        I remember reading fiction. Sigh.

    • db

      I have a can of Glade air freshener that made it to market with artwork that included the photographer’s penis. It was supposedly a big deal in the early 1990s; my GF at the time bought a whole case of them and gave them out as novelty gifts.

      • db

        Sorry, it was actually “Renuzit” brand. I have it around here somewhere.

      • straffinrun

        What it smell like?

      • db

        It’s mint in box!

      • db

        Meant to write:

        How would I know? It’s mint in box!

      • Brochettaward

        Straf will pay a premium if it smells of penis.

      • Brochettaward

        I, for one, am tired of being told I need to be ashamed of showing my penis.

      • Trigger Hippie

        What’s really disconcerting is believing that about half the time you do so it’s without your knowledge or content:

        https://youtu.be/Y9mRl9tW3kE

      • Trigger Hippie

        *consent

        I’m high, piss off. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ?

      • db

        That same GF was responsible for finding that “bambulance” tape linked above, too. She had a great and twisted sense of humor.

      • Brochettaward

        …Would?

  10. Hank

    This is a long podcast transcript. TL;DR version – they interview people about the Supreme Court’s compulsory-vaccination decision of 1905 (the Court was for it). Interviewees include the successor of the pastor who lost his fight to refuse a smallpox vaccination (the successor disavows his predecessor on this point). Then they mention that the Supreme Court, in Buck v. Bell (1927), used the vaccine precedent to justify forced sterilization.

    Conclusion: Compulsory vaccination good, compulsory sterilization bad.

    https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2021/03/jacobson-supreme-court-vaccination/618359/

    • Gustave Lytton

      “My body, my choice!”*

      (*not really)

      • Chafed

        Let’s just say “sometimes.”

    • Hank

      Too bad, because that would mean she can’t get married (Matthew 22:30)

      • Chafed

        Why haven’t I heard about some part of Portland being set on fire in a couple of months?

      • Gustave Lytton

        On to the next news cycle. The powers that be in Stumptown are waking up to the fact that they have an out of control violence problem (like real ongoing violent crime, not the cosplay kabuki kind) and trashed city (mainly unchecked bums). Of course, their solutions will do little to fix it other than funnel money to connected people. So success.

        Antifa went down to the state capitol last weekend, did their usual show of intimidation and force, and Gov Kunt’s uniformed goons provided cover for them. Maybe their waiting for the end of the trial to blow up again, whatever the outcome is.

      • Chafed

        Do the locals support them? I would think anyone with a job is sick of them.

      • straffinrun

        Driving me crazy. Who sang that?

      • straffinrun

        Thatโ€™s it. Yaz. Thx.

    • Chafed

      She says the right things and looks good. There is also crazy in those eyes. Still, she is on the right side of the crazy/hot divide.

    • Brochettaward

      That’s a trap.

      • Chafed

        Name one that isn’t.

  11. straffinrun

    Listened to 5 minutes of Scott Adams yesterday. He says that you canโ€™t say masks donโ€™t work if cases went down after mask mandates were lifted because the trends were going down regardless. Itโ€™s the BS null hypothesis heโ€™s been peddling every time Iโ€™ve stumbled across his channel for months.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      I tried him for a while; just too cagey? if that’s the right word.

      • straffinrun

        Cagey or simply lacking any principles. Dunno.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Nothing against him personally but his strip is about as amusing as Doonesbury. Was it funny in the 90s? I can’t remember.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        So Drew Carey wasn’t crazy in season 2.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      “She sounds like a teakettle.” Uh, forgot to look toward the ending.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        No great resolution. OK. I am just glad all my errands lately are not newsworthy, that I know of.

    • Chafed

      How can I tip the delivery lady?

    • CPRM

      I just watched a video about ‘Things Movies Always Get Wrong’, and one of them was the elevator escape hatch. I’ve seen that is in fact a real thing working at Current Job.

  12. Tres Cool

    Jesus H. Koresh ya’all….Im hammered

    • TARDis

      So, you’re toast?

  13. Yusef drives a Kia

    Howdy, hope everyone is doing well,
    Out!

    • TARDis

      “We are learning that many outbreaks in young people are related to youth sports and extra-curricular activities,” Dr. Rochelle Walensky, Director of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, explained.

      Wow, she’s a damned genius!

      *head desk*

      Mornin’, Sean, Yusef. It’s a quiet morning. A lot of people off for Spring break. Plus traffic was light.

      • Gender Traitor

        Mornin’ Sean, Yusef, TARDy, and Tres (if you’re still conscious!) ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Gender Traitor

        And good morning to you, too! How are you today?

      • UnCivilServant

        Kinda Meh. I (literally) drempt up an odd meta idea for a story structure that would be quite technically difficult to execute. The thought was two parallel stories where the main character of each is writing a book that appears to be the other story based upon any dialog about the stories. Each lives in a very different type of setting from the other and a running joke is the unbelievability of the other’s setting. But they’re also dealing with a similar sort of mystery. The authors are different archetypes, with one being a hunter/classical hero type known for safari/adventure stories who keeps getting told that no one is going to buy a book from him about a nebbishy hanger-on in high society who has to live on the largess of his sister’s husband. Likewise the nebbish gets told his protagonist is too commonly done and won’t get any attention.

        I’m debating whether the worlds stay separate with ambiguity as to shich is the ‘fictional’ world or if the two end up crossing over to solve the others’ mystery.

      • EvilSheldon

        Interesting. Have you ever seen the movie ‘The Frame?’ It deals with a similar kind of parallel storyline.

      • Gender Traitor

        Oh, that could be fascinating if you could pull it off! I’m not sure which approach would work best. It could be funny/awkward if they ran into each other “in real life.” Or could BOTH be fictional from the mind of a third writer?? (One more layer of meta?)

      • UnCivilServant

        @sheldon – the answer the “have you ever seen/read” when asked of me is usually “No”. I’ve not heard of that.

        @GT I thought of the third writer ending and decided against it.

      • limey

        Yeah that’s great, but can we do this as a buddy comedy where the first guy is a talking toaster? I’m thinking Vince Vaughn would be great as the high society guy. Kevin James owes me a favor so we can cast him as the toaster.

        ?

        Morning, UCS.

      • UnCivilServant

        Who? Who? And what’s wrong with you?

      • limey

        I’m an uncultured deplorable who enjoys light-hearted buddy comedies with plots so thin they could slip through a crack in the sidewalk.

      • UnCivilServant

        Then bother someone else, I don’t write comedies.

      • TARDis

        Mornin’ Glibred! One more work day, then 6 days of staycation.

      • Gender Traitor

        Yay! I could stand a staycation now that it’s finally warm enough to enjoy my back porch. Do you have a space at your home that would make the time off pleasant?

      • TARDis

        I have a quiet deck I can sleep on until it gets too hot and the bugs come out. We are taking a short trip into the GA mountains though. I still consider it a staycation because it’s a short drive that is less than my daily commute sometimes. Wifey got a stand-alone VRBO on the river in Helen. (AKA Sad Germany) Looks like thunderstorms, but that’s okay.

      • Sean

        Mornin’ y’all.

    • UnCivilServant

      Is there anyone left after sturgis, christmas, and the reopening of the southern states?

      • TARDis

        Nope. We’re all dead. I’m a bot.

      • limey

        Actually you’re a box. Sean travels inside you and pushes your buttons.

        Morning!

      • TARDis

        Can’t be. I haven’t checked, but it’s my understanding that my new driver has lady bits.

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re having a fever dream. You’ll wake up soon.

    • limey

      Good morning, Sean.

      *Attempts to purchase a gun but falls at the first legal hurdle*

      • Sean

        Greetings.

  14. Gender Traitor

    Don’t know if this new Imperial edict from DeWine will apply to our local minor league baseball team’s games, given the close proximity of the seating. Trying not to get my hopes up, but….please?

    • TARDis

      Good luck! They just can’t let it go, can they?

    • Festus

      They’re just pulling this out of their bums like a kid’s party magician doing the Scarfe Trick and the public is just as mesmerized.

  15. limey

    being a large Negroid, 7โ€™ 11โ€ you showed respect, or they would kill you, thatโ€™s how that planet did things

    Nyarlathotep?

    Good morning, all! The Prophet of Azathoth posts among us. He will reveal himself to those who are true believers, as the Crawling Chaos that haunts our dreams, or something.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good…::checks international time::…afternoon, limey! What’s the world like in the future?

      • limey

        Sunny and clear. A little chilly. A little windy, but pretty good. I’m stuck in finishing up a written assignment for my college course which will take me all day, though. Cold sore has made an appearance on the tail end of this head cold I head. I guess it’s all ‘rona now, though. How’re thou?

      • Gender Traitor

        Fit as a fiddle! (Though I may find out that’s not quite the case when I get to my “Butts & Guts” class tonight.)

  16. Festus

    Mornin’ Glibbies!

    • limey

      Bertha Mason! Wide Sargasso Sea! Jane Eyre! I get the attic thing now. See an above comment for how much of an uncultured person I am.

      Mornin’

      • Festus

        Heh!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Howdy y’all. I wonder if I would find Jane Eyre as weird now as I did in tenth grade.

        Fes, you doing any better today?

        I have to go Do Stuff (ugh, stuff sucks) but kindly reply anyway.

      • Festus

        See below, Dear Reader…

      • Festus

        Thanks for asking!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Never thought you were uncultured but your writing style is oddly more North American than most of the N Ams’ here.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Urgh, so much for nested replies.

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, Fes!

      • Festus

        Good Morning. Tuesday morning.

    • TARDis

      Howdy Fes!

      • Festus

        Hey, Tardy!

  17. Festus

    Better morning today. The slug went home after getting filled with food yesterday. Little doge has her couch back and nothing appears to be missing.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Oh good. Bet little dog thinks you owe it all to her. Rrruh!

      • Festus

        She was more concerned with the blood on his trousers than her sleeping spot TBF. They’re both gentle souls.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Eh? Do we want to know?

        I suspect you’re a gentle soul too.

      • Festus

        He gets roughed up by junkies and low-lifes.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ? Oh well.

        How’s J?

      • Festus

        She’s apparently fine. She realizes that the situation is not hers to control. Helps him out when she can but probably keeps much of it at ten-foot pole length away from me. I can be “volatile”…

      • Gustave Lytton

        Sorry Festus. I saw your post late yesterday morning and sort of been there, also with a stepson. Was having problems, breaking up with a longtime girlfriend (livingin her house and she was kicking him out), so we were going to take him in because he didn’t have anywhere else to go. Sadly he decided to use a rope instead and it still breaks my wife years later. Me too to a lesser degree.

        Didn’t mean to ramble but I’m sure your Judy feels similarly about her son and you’re a good man for standing by her.

  18. Sean

    Now, for the second time in recent weeks, Windows updates fucked my printing.

    FUCK YOU MICROSOFT!!!!!!!

    Try printing and BSOD, several times. Uninstall update and printing is fine again.

    Next time, it gets the tannerite.

    • Festus

      I’m ignoring them for now. Every update fucks with something or other.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’m driving by the Tannerite outlet store later today. Let me know if you need some.

    • Festus

      All. All of the lists.