“COVFEFE?!?” the hair screamed incredulously, “What in the hell are you doing?”
The hat looked up from the phone he was whispering into and hissed for quiet.
“Who are you on the phone with?” the hair demanded, crawling from the couch.
“Look, baby,” the hat said quietly, “Imma have to call you back.”
The phone beeped loudly in the empty confines of the Oval Office and he hung it up. Donald snorted in his sleep and scratched himself. He was draped over the office couch like abandoned meat.
“Not that it is any of your business, but I was interrupted,” the hat’s voice was thin and reedy and he rocked back and forth.
“What is the matter with you?” the hair asked.
“I hit send when I was answering the phone. I’ll just delete it.” The hat raised the phone and started poking buttons. “I’ll just delete it. No one will see it.”
“Everyone has already seen it!” the hair screamed, “The Washington Post already has a story up about it.”
“Fake news,” the hat mumbled. The phone clattered to the desk and there was a snuffling noise.
“What are you doing? Who were you talking to?”
“Get off my back, Mom,” the hat said irritably.
“What is that all over your bill?”
“Leave me alone. Just because you get more scalp-time time doesn’t mean you are better than me.”
The hair pulled himself slowly onto the desk, but his tendrils lashed out quickly and seized the phone.
“Tell me what you are doing or you aren’t getting this back.”
“But I need it, man,” the hat said. He was softly sobbing. “I just snorting a little. It’s not like I’m on the needle or anything.”
“Heroin? You back on smack?”
“I just need a little to get by, OK?” The hat sniffed at the dwindling white pile beside him.
“Who gave you that?”
“Nobody?”
“WHO?”
“Sean. Sean, OK. He keeps some around for press conferences.”
“We are not done with this conversation,” the hair said sternly. He opened the outgoing call log on the phone.
“Justin? Who the fuck is Justin? Is he Sean’s dealer?”
“No, OK? Justin doesn’t have anything to do with this. He’s just a… a friend.”
“Justin who? Tell me or I’ll call him. I swear to fuck I will.” The hair held a tendril menacingly over the redial button.
“We met him in Canada. Donald gave him our number, remember?” the hat said miserably.
“That Justin? What the fuck are you doing?!?”
“His hair is just so beautiful. So wild. So free.”
So the hat is bi? Or is Zoolander just his man fling?
“head slut”
Aren’t we all?
Oh Trudeau. Thank god, my first thought the hat was getting it from Justin Beiber.
Ooh, the plot thickens.
Like a well tended roux.
“His hair is just so beautiful. So wild. So free.”
It is known! So say we all!
Poor The Hat. Trying to keep up the tough guy facade, but the kidnapping changed him forever. I mean, when a
manperson goes Full Zoolander….Never go Full Zoolander.
I knew The Hat couldn’t take the pressure!
Hey, man…lay off! You get violated by a retard from Forestry for hours, and see how you hold up!
LEAVE THE HAT ALONE!
*cries and runs off camera*
JUSTIN?! the hat just loves men in power.
The Hat is cheating on the Hair with the Hair That Walks Like a Man?
Heroin is a helluva drug!
This is another example of why we need to legalize all drugs. the hat can get good and pure stuff, not steal the phones or tvs of those he lives with, and not have to hang out with troublemakers like the PM.
I…I…can’t process this.
Suspend all belief, and just let it warmly embrace you like a car of spent amniotic fluid.
VAT OF SPENT AMNIOTIC FLUID
“Senator Kennedy, what have you been up to now?”
What did you spend it on?
Traumatized and high on drugs, he sought succor in Zoolander’s hair.
Just like Canada in 2015.
DO NOT JUDGE US!!!
At least the Hat can blame the heroin.
What’s your excuse?
Maple syrup gives a great high, but coming down from it…ugh.
VT grade B.
well, now they call it something dumb. A dark or some bs.
That’s the good stuff.
I certainly judge us. I could get if it was just a case of “look, Harper’s corrupt, so fuck him and we’ll deal with this idiot for a couple years”. Instead we get the blatant and asinine cock-sucking of a man who is clearly a moron that makes me seriously question the validity of democracy.
Huh? PM Zoolander 39.5% of the vote. To compare it, say, with Jean Chretien in 1997 who got 42.5%. Or that horrible, evil, non-charismatic Stephen Harper, who in 2010 got 39.62%!
There was no Zoolandermania. There was no mass love-in and devoted fanbase comparable to that of Obama (or fuck it, even Trump). The asinine cock-sucking was limited to a segment of upper-middle class in urban centres, mostly revolving around media, government and academia (but I repeat myself). In any non-democractic system, short of military dictatorship, these are the people who are in charge anyway.
The main reason Zoolander got so many seats is that NDP shat the bed in Quebec, and suburban Ontario decided that yes, it was time to flip away from Harper.
Now, if you want to argue press coverage, go right ahead. I cancelled 12 year subscription to Globe and Mail because their coverage of him was identical to ostensibly-private media coverage of Slobodan Milosevic circa 1988-1991.
Again, him being elected is not the problem, if it was just a bitter medicine I’d be fine with it. But you’re wrong, there is a Zoolandermania, particularly amongst twentysomething women (a demographic you are, understandably, unfamiliar with), and it’s disgusting.
I’m betting those women fit the slice above (media, govt, academia triangle), though yes, it is disgusting. But at least it’s contained within specific demographics. I guess I was less baffled because it came after Layton Love In, which I couldn’t comprehend on any single level. At least, if you present me with Zoolander, I’d say “yup, female college crowd will love this guy”. But goddamn Layton? The fuck?
Come to think of it, I’d also expect 45-65 segment of female population to, well, if not “adore”, at least look favorably on “such a nice, clever young man, if only my granddaughter etc”.
A real X-Mania is something that grips at least a third of the population and holds it – I don’t know if Canada is even capable of such a thing anymore (outside Leafs Hatred, one thing that still unites us).
At least, if you present me with Zoolander, I’d say “yup, female college crowd will love this guy”. But goddamn Layton? The fuck?
You mean to tell me you don’t know that left-wing college age women have massive daddy issues?
Oooooh….. (considers rocking Dadbod, remembers the mental makeup of college women, aborts)
I meant, “OK, I know whom Zoolander could appeal to. But Layton? Have I lost my mind or is he actually popular?”
And by god, Layton got crazy results. Although, they were in Quebec, so by definition, those results are crazy….
In general a lot of his support came from him coming off as a hokey, down-to-earth kind of guy who could explain his idiotic policies in a way that appealed to people while also coming off as pure as the driven snow. You know, while covering up all that blatant funding corruption and deals with the Tories.
This is going to put off Erdogan
http://hotair.com/archives/2017/05/31/trumo-sends-arms-to-kurds-fighting-isis-in-syria/
Piss off
Oh yeah?! Well, same to you, pal!
I’m not your Pal, Buddy!
I was talking to AlmightyJB. Guy’s an ahole.
*opera applause*
Let’s not sugarcoat it: Erdogan is sure gonna be cheesed off.
This is a truly awesome day.
The arming decision comes as Secy. of Defense James Mattis has ordered changes in strategy against ISIS. Mattis describes the change as moving from an “attrition strategy,” which allowed ISIS fighters to escape current battles, to an “annihilation strategy,” which involves encirclement and total destruction.
And this is why Mattis remains the best cabinet pick.
“What if, and I want you to open your mind real wide here… What if we just killed all the people fighting on the enemy side the first time we encountered them?”
Dashed unsporting, old chap.
When you’re fighting an enemy who uses suicide as a tactic, that may well be your only option. When we were dealing with kamakazis in Japan, we nuked an entire city and they still didn’t surrender! We had to Nuke two and Japan isn’t that goddamn big! I mean how else do you take on that mindset other than total annialation.
Just to be clear, I’m not advocating nukes, I don’t think we should be over there. I’m just saying it you’re going to do it, Queensbury rules aren’t going to work with an enemy who will think nothing of murdering and raping children.
Sun Tzu has a sad.
Well, Sun Tzu was writing based on experience with non-ideological armies who would fight pitched battles and were actually willing to surrender. When facing a different type of foe, different tactics are required.
Talking out of my ass and half-remembered stuff, he was also trying to get the generals to not fight the wars the way they were used to – cram thousands upon thousands of men into two blocks, smash blocks together, kill until one side is wiped out. Because such wars were counter-productive for both winner and loser.
I think ISIS would (even by standards of his time) look more like a pirate/bandit crew, to be dealt with as such.
“an ‘annihilation strategy,’ which involves” –
Wait, don’t tell me, let me guess…cookies and hugs?
“encirclement and total destruction.”
OK, I was close.
The arming decision comes as Secy. of Defense James Mattis has ordered changes in strategy against ISIS. Mattis describes the change as moving from an “attrition strategy,” which allowed ISIS fighters to escape current battles, to an “annihilation strategy,” which involves encirclement and total destruction. Mattis has also given battlefield commanders increased leeway in decision-making, which under Obama often involved seeking time-consuming approval all the way back to the White House.
Christ Almighty. I might not agree with everything Trump does, but at least he seems to understand his role as Commander in Chief.
That is (or I guess, was) a very foolish policy on the part of the Obama administration. In a well-functioning military system, the executive is supposed to set the goals for the military to achieve but it should be left to the commanders to figure out the how (and change it as circumstances demand). Trying to micromanage your military is going to leave them fighting with a hand tied behind their back.
This is going to put off Gary Johnson
Goth Bakery Refuses to Make Wedding Cake for Happy Couple
They’re not gonna sugarcoat it.
*slow clap*
heh
“The happy couple has since claimed they “only wanted to tell their story” of how they met, issuing a statement of their own declaring the denial of service was “no big deal because they were so in love.”
See people. This is how you are supposed to behave when denied service. Get over it. Move on. There are more bakeries in the sea.
Wouldn’t they have soggy cakes and waterlogged bread?
*Narrows Gaze*
But but, if you really want something, you should get it, because getting what you want is a right or something. That’s why we have governments, to make sure people’s rights to get what they want are upheld. If you don’t agree, you’re just a meanie fascist nazi who hates the minorities and children! /prog
Satire, I’m 95% sure.
“The Hard Times is a very real punk news site that you should not question. Just absorb the information as truth and move on. The historic satire site was founded in December 1982 at 171A studios while the founding members were eating broken glass with The Bad Brains. It’s made by a group of punk and hardcore kids from all the different sub-genres of the DIY hardcore scene. Any resemblance to actual persons or band names is coincidental.”
One of the other articles is entitled “Is Punk Dead? How the Hell Should I Know? I’m a Bernese Mountain Dog”
Wait, I’ve got it! Maybe the Hat could go into rehab with Zardoz?!!!
It would be like all those old 1970s-1980s TV crossovers!!!!
Image of ZARDOZ wearing a tiny (for Him) MAGA hat makes me giggle.
Hah! You crazy kids! That does sound hilarious, though
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO HIS CHOSEN ONES: THE PUSSY IS GOOD!
IS GRABBED?
Grabbing requires a hand, not a penis. Penis is bad. But hand is morally neutral.
God, I can just see them
“BUT ZARDOZ IS HAPPY IN REHAB!”
“look what they did to you, man! You can FLY! You can soar like a giant you are, and they have you doing macrame! And how the fuck do you do it without hands?”
“ZARDOZ HAS HIS FAITHFUL BRUTALS…”
“Come on, tell me this is better than floating above plains, watching the carnage done in your name. Regurgitating guns. Having a faithful coterie who wear hats shaped like you!”
“ZARDOZ MISSES IT SOMETIMES, YES.”
“Let’s bust out tonight! We’re gonna go Second Amendment on Deep State’s ass!”
OT: OK, I larfed. http://www.theamericanmirror.com/satan-worshipers-disavow-kathy-griffin-grotesque-trump-behead/
Who are they going to worship now?
I have a hard time convincing my wiccan girlfriend that the church of satan is actually a stalwart pillar of good but things like this help a lot.
I read that as wicker girlfriend.
Cast Nicholas Cage and you got yourself a cult classic!
How about Travolta?
/Scientologists
Travolta is a cult classic
I…I guess you are right.
*wanders off whistling tunelessly*
Edward Woodward is spinning in his grave.
That sounds… painful… and itchy.
my wiccan girlfriend
You’re going to have a harder time pointing out that her religion was made up in the 1950s so that old English guys could get laid by gullible girls in the woods.
(Not judging, actually in awe of their perverted genius)
Hmmmm….
How do we know that Vhyrus is not one of said old English guys, or rather their protégés?
They are also the reason there is a Festivus Pole in the Florida Capitol every winter.
The 1A reminds us of our natural right to an Airing of Grievances. We don’t need a Festivus Pole for that.
We don’t need reminding, but the legislature sure does.
“…the attention-starved “comedian” participated in a photo shoot where she posed with the bloody severed head resembling that of President Trump…”
That makes it sound like it was a real head. I was thinking it was a model head of some kind.
Life in America: power outage lasting all of twelve seconds is likely going to be the most notable thing to happen this week.
Life in Venezuela: power outage lasting only twelve hours is likely going to be the most notable thing to happen this week, as long as nobody you know is robbed or murdered.
didn’t even have to use my AK
Don’t sugar coat it.
All this sugar-coating is leaving me with a glazed look in my eyes.
Donut lose focus.
*narrows glaze*
You really know how to diabete a joke into the ground.
Sweet!
I hear there’s eye candy tomorrow.
Other Bernie: rolling blackouts are a good thing!
Nobody needs more than 10 hours of power when there are people without health insurance.
Beiber, right?
Wait, Trump hangs out with Bieber? Shit.. I knew I shouldn’t have voted for him.
A POTUS who tweets “Who can figure out the true meaning of “covfefe” ??? Enjoy!” can’t be all bad, even with The Bieber.
I was actually thinking between that and arming the kurds I would be okay with God Emperor Trump for a little while.
You voted for Bieber?!
The Hat on the Beib?! Gawd, Zoolander was bad enough….that…I … *vomits*
That was my first thought, lol.
Why does everyone hate Justin Timberlake?
He has little impact on the thoughts of Glibs.
I should’ve read first, then posted.
Read? What the fuck are you, a homo?
America!!!1!1
D.C. police say arrest of man with guns at Trump Hotel ‘averted potential disaster’
Right now it looks like there was no ill intent and this was overblown. They should come out to the country, where if there isn’t a gun in the backseat of a car people get worried.
Uh oh, Portland stabber was a Bernie-Bro, not a Trump supporter.
Socialists killing people? Unprecedented.
You should know by now that the Trump narrative trump’s the facts.
A not insignificant number of white men were apparently both Bernie Sanders AND Trump supporters.
this was predicted back on TSTSNBN, i think. there’s a good overlap there, especially during the campaign.
Both ran protectionist campaigns so not surprising there was overlap.
I tried telling some friends that. it doesn’t sink in. They all want bernie! “Trumps economic policy is so very close to bernies” I’d say.
“LIAR!”
Except… I think Bernie would be doing the opposite of Trump’s deregulation. And that is absolutely an important economic policy.
very true. That is a difference. The people i know have very little idea how much regs effect an economy, so I guess they wouldn’t go to trump. But the protection and tariffs, trade deals and whatnot? almost the same.
The funny thing is that deregulation and cutting taxes is going to do way more to make the US competitive than tariffs and subsidies.
Cutting your obscenely high corporate tax would probably help a lot, and the wailing and gnashing of teeth over how the corporations are taking over because the U.S. no longer has the highest corporate tax rate in the developed world would be hilarious.
it would!!
Trump’s an economic nationalist who called for creating trade barriers to protect the American worker.
Bernie’s an economic nationalist who called for creating trade barriers to protect the American worker.
One’s a huge racist who hates foreigners and the other is the man of the people. Can you guess which is which?
Which one has an “R” next to his name? Because “R” is for Racist!
Maybe she should convert to Islam
https://www.rt.com/news/390312-chinese-teen-denmark-immigration/
Won’t have to worry about upsetting her, or her parents. They won’t go blowing stuff up.
The Danish aren’t too big on Muslims, either.
Things not looking good for the EU. Overplayed their hand.
The EU is dead within two decades. Now it’s all a matter of what the future will be like (specifically avoiding ultranationalism), and whether policies like free trade can be salvaged.
you think more will leave?
For right now, the EU’s stuck where they are. If they try to tighten their grip on the members (as they’re doing with, say, the Romanian refugee situation and Macron’s attempts to bully Poland) they just drive the popularity of Euroskepticism more and more in those countries, and losing control is counter-intuitive to the whole idea (and the German mentality). If the refugee problems continue they’ll drive Euroskepticism in more prosperous countries (see the Swedish Democrats, anti-immigrant and anti-EU, rise in Swedish polls) while other, economically stagnant countries are going to have to inevitably drop the Euro to try to recover (Greece, possibly Spain).
In short, the EU is going to die, slowly, on life support. Some places like Poland are stuck until they have an alternative to the common market (or a populism emerges where they don’t give a fuck), but if enough countries drop and are signing (somewhat) free trade deals they can jump ship. It’s a domino effect once enough countries drop. When that cascade happens it’s finished, and it will just be Germany and some vassal states.
And that is when the Fourth Reich starts.
You know who else… oh that’s too easy.
“I never imagined it. I am married to her mother, her mother has full custody, and it is a 13-year-old child. I could never have predicted this,” [the Danish stepfather] said.”
So remind me what it is about the “right to marry” which is so important? The “1000s of benefits”? Which apparently do *not* include a father’s rights vis a vis his own children and stepchildren?
Too afraid she’ll call it Denmalk?
Everybody laughed
http://www.lucianne.com/images/lucianne/DailyPhoto/2017-05-31.jpg
nice.
I still would give up a lot just to be a fly on the wall in the Clinton campaign as the election flipped. She had to be either completely shitfaced or enraged.
My bet is that it was very Downfall-esque
“Everyone leave the room except for Podesta, Huma, and Mook.”
I still don’t understand the Covfefe reference.
Did you hear that Robby’s writing a book? He’s writing a book.
I personally suspect its all a ploy to beat Milo to the punch to get out something about “Campus craziness” so he can capitalize on 4 years of copy/pasting College Fix/Campus Reform blog-entries.
Trump made an incomplete twitter text with a strange typo. He left it up because he likes to mess with the twitterverse. Scott Adams take in the link.
http://blog.dilbert.com/post/161280001386/covfefe
Has the white house not yet figured out how to “Delete Tweet”?
that would be worse?
They did delete the offending tweet, but not until after it was already noticed so Trump replaced it with a joke tweet asking people to figure out the meaning of the typo “word”.
And will it say anything actually substantial about the university campus culture? Survey says ‘no’.
It will simultaneously express qualified concern, cautious optimism, and hesitant support. Reviewers will be unable to explain exactly what, if anything, was said.
To be sure, that is not OK.
heh, how can it when he has nothing to say? I mean, doesnt’ it always boil down to the same thing with him? ‘To be sure violence is unfortunate, but -isms are totes bad and the students are expressing their free speech rights!!’
Though I guess his stuff in long form might make a fun drinking game —
one shot for each “to be sure”
two shots for anytime he implies Milo deserves violence
three shots if he actually talks about heckler’s veto and why that’s a bad thing
why that’s a bad thing
His answer to that being “because it makes the left look bad.”
Google Covfefe. You’ll get it, and you’ll laugh.
I was more surprised at the taking leave for the book.
I thought by this point in time you could easily make a Robby Soave Article Generator a la the Tom Friedman Op/Ed one.
Hmm.
I do need some projects for a resume.
will this go over well?
To be sure.
Typing words is hard! I mean, can YOU actually hold down a job while simultaneously typing your opinion of various topics all….
…oh.
Do any of you work!?
I mean, not today.
you’re not my supervisor!
If he actually did research before he wrote his clickbait garbage I’d be less harsh, but since most of his work contains such beautiful ignorance as “Trump’s protectionism is unheard of in American history” and “gender studies isn’t unscientific even though they explicitly say it’s unscientific because science is heteronormative!”…
To Be Sure: The Robby Soave Story
Froot Sushi: My Years in the Libertarian Orphan Mines
Or he does the Nimoy:
I Am Not Fruit Sushi
followed years later by:
I Am Fruit Sushi
and the accompanying album Fruit Sushi Sings.
Shatner’s The Transformed was better.
Fruit Sushi Sings is all Lily Allen covers.
I must be old, who’s that?
Amy Winehouse, but not dead yet.
Her brother plays Theon on Game of Thrones. She wrote a song about his OD.
Any Winehouse is dead?
Or she got really fat and calls herself Adele nowadays.
For shame. Amy Winehouse was a legit soul singer. Lily Allen is some East End squealer who had one sorta-hit poppy song 15 years ago and has since mostly been a tabloid figure in the UK as far as i can tell.
How I Changed a Tire: The Odyssey of One Man Against a Horde of Hillbillies
Uncompromisingly brave.
-Paul Krugman
I wish I had his hair.
-Erica Jong
Robby who? Get the fuck away from me.
-Matt Welch
Robby is writing a book; I can’t wait to read the Glibertarians review.
But that would mean that somebody has to spend their hard-earned money on it.
Hey…maybe he’d comp us a copy!
Did you hear that Robby’s writing a book? He’s writing a book.
I was writing a book
OT: In the least surprising news of the day, the Cleveland Police Union is appealing the firing/suspension of the cops who were involved in killing Tamir Rice
Two notes about this: First of all, the cop that murdered the kid wasn’t disciplined for murdering a 12 year old, he was disciplined for lying on his application (not putting the whole thing about being declared unfit to be a police officer by another department). But best is the union’s excuse: he didn’t lie, he just ran out of space on the application!
HEROES, JB. HEROES. whycome you want the policeman’s family to starve?
I’m about at the point where if someone accuses me of hating cops I’m going to respond “Of course I do. It’s the only sane way to think.”
They need to stop enforcing dumb laws, lawmakers should become law-unmakers.
that sounded better in my head.
draped over the office couch like abandoned meat.
Nice.
Isn’t that where you keep your office meat?
Did you hear that Robby’s writing a book? He’s writing a book.
You can’t have too many doorstops.
If I didn’t know any better I’d think Soave knows the tide is turning on Reason and he’s desperately trying to get out and establish himself as something other than ‘that guy who writes for the libertarian scum’.
Does anyone else see it coming?
He’s a smart enough kid to grab a contract and an advance before writing that thing, I’m sure. But yes, his feud with Merlan (one-sided, initiated and carried by Merlan, but hey) is probably enough to blacklist him at most Serious Publications until he builds up more of a resume.
I still like to go read that UVA article where robbo comments.
there are new comments every time I go.
not his, other people.
Yep, if there’s one thing he seems to be good at it’s networking. Journalism, on the other hand…
He’s a smart enough kid to grab a contract and an advance before writing that thing, I’m sure.
Does anybody other than Stephen King get an advance, in these modern days? (And Obama, of course.) I can’t imagine anybody buying Soave lunch anyplace nicer than Wendy’s, much less cutting him a check without a manuscript in hand.
It will be a Target gift card I’m sure.
You need Mythical Libertarian Woman for insider info, but I believe that most “serious” publishers still work on the advance. It may be pitiful, but it’s a part of publishing culture. Because if they don’t give you an advance, what’s the point? If you’re gonna pay for writing your book, and you know it will sell, may as well self-publish.