The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Princess of Darkness

by | Jun 7, 2017 | Hat and Hair, Hillary: The Becoming, SugarFree | 233 comments

Hillary’s saggy bulk shifted uncomfortably in her and Huma’s vast and piss-misted bed while Huma snored on oblivious. As series of faint whimpering cries brought Huma near consciousness enough for her to snort out a hitch in her breathing. She reached out and touched a sweaty fold in Hillary’s luscious back-fat without really waking and fell back into a deeper cycle of sleep. Hillary cried out faintly, unable to escape her nightmare.

“This is not a dream,” the impersonal voice said in Hillary’s sleeping mind, echoing and tinny, fading in and out, “Not a dream. We are using your brain’s electrical system as a receiver. We are unable to transmit through conscious neural interference. You are receiving this broadcast as a dream. We are transmitting from the year two, zero, two, zero.”

Donald’s face under a field of static. He was smiling. He was waving.

The voice continued: “You are receiving this broadcast in order to alter the events you are seeing. Our technology has not developed a transmitter strong enough to reach your conscious state of awareness, but this is not a dream.”

A beige map of the United States unfolded, each state outlined, Hawaii and Alaska floating awkwardly in a vanished Mexico. One by one every state turned red. Blood red. Republican red. Hillary reached out to grab the map, to crumple it. It eluded her every grasping swipe.

The voice took on an insistent tone that cut through the static like molten steel poured on young flesh: “You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation.”

Hillary saw her own face now, frozen like a stone in grief. Chelsea clung to her arm, shaking with sobs. Huma, her face drawn and gaunt, her hair gone gray, was back a step and to the side. Balloons fell in slow motion. Huma raised a gun and opened her matte red lips to accept it.

“You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation.”

Static rose like an army of enraged wasps.

“You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation.”

As Huma’s brains sprayed across the blue curtain spread out behind them on the stage, Hillary saw herself turn, throwing Chelsea down. Before the Hillary on the stage could turn to kneel by her lover, the back of her pantsuit heaved and split. Static. Tentacles, pink and bloody, vomited out of her. The shot changed to a CNN anchor gone pale. She stared into the camera and suddenly threw up what looked like milk streaked with vile.

“Causality violation,” the voice said, “This is not a dream. You must change the future. You must change the future. You must change this future.”

Hillary screamed then, in their bedroom, fighting up out of the dream like surfacing from a cold lake. She was shivering. Huma gasped and sat up.

“What is it, my love? What is it, my desert flower?” she whispered.

“I’ve just gotten a message, Huma,” Hillary said haltingly through deep breaths, “I have to run in 2020. I have to.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

233 Comments

  1. EvilSheldon

    So hot. Yow.

  2. The Elite Elite

    a sweaty fold in Hillary’s luscious back-fat

    You’re a sick man, SugarFree.

  3. Pan Zagloba

    YES! SHE’S BACK!

  4. Pomp

    piss-misted

    Nice

      • SugarFree

        You me’d that first link.

      • Pomp
  5. Rufus the Monocled

    It’s about time.

  6. John Titor

    I’d just like the record to note that I had nothing to do with this.

    • jesse.in.mb

      2036 was destroyed by The Donald, I read about it in one of The Bible Code books.

      • Derpetologist

        Ah, the Bible Code.

        It works on the same principle as a word search. The text of the Bible in Hebrew is arranged in a grid and then you look for words. If the words cross or are close together and can be interpreted to describe a past event, presto! The Bible Code predicted that event.

        A skeptic did the same thing with Moby Dick and got similar prophecies.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Yeah. I read the first one because my parents wanted to know how seriously they should take it and are incapable of filtering bullshit if it comes from an Evangelical/Fox News oriented source. IIRC, by the time I’d read it the primary prophecy window had already been missed and the book gave itself an out by saying that by knowing the prophecy you could change it.

        My parents were VERY displeased in my book report and the ensuing verbal attacks had to be broken up by my brother-in-law. I have a soft place in my heart for that book.

      • Derpetologist

        I got it from my mom for similar reasons. She took my criticism of it more gracefully.

        I also once had to explain to her how it is possible for a river like the Nile to flow from south to north. I said that the high ground is in the south and the low ground is in the north, and since water flows downhill, that is the reason. She was still confused. Eventually, I explained that north is not the same as up, as she had previously believed.

        I was dismayed to see that she spent several hundred dollars on one of Dave Ramsey’s “how to save money” kits.

        Oh well. I love her and her derp.

      • BigGreg

        ” Eventually, I explained that north is not the same as up, as she had previously believed”

        *Facepalm*

        I see your mom learned geography from the same teacher as my wife.

      • DenverJ

        Of course north is up. Just look at a map, smart guy. Now, call your mom and apologize.

      • John Titor

        This is the goofy shit I had to read when I was a teenager. I can’t remember much of it but I know there was something in there about how if the world wasn’t six thousand years old the earth would be covered in four feet of human bones based on population growth or something.

      • Rhywun

        Wow, a surprising number of you have had… interesting upbringings.

        Mine was the complete opposite, at least when my mom was in charge rather than one of her various boyfriends.

      • Derpetologist

        The reading material I got from my dad was better. It included old school All About books from the 1950s and Mr Natural comics. Although he also gave me “Can Mormonism Be Prove Scientifically?”

        Man, that one was a hoot, a holler, and a stomp.

      • Old Man With Candy

        All About Dinosaurs was a book I had memorized.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Wow, a surprising number of you have had… interesting upbringings.

        Yeah. Seriously. I have a newfou d respect for my parents, as the only thing they do to embarras me is be Catholic and gluten-free.

      • jesse.in.mb

        My sister (a year younger) got an A+ and a blue ribbon in her science fair when she glued together two pieces of plexiglass plates with nickels as spacers and poured a mixture of sand into it to prove that geological striae were deposited by the great flood.

        That year I grew six tomato plants, three potted and three in hydroponic tanks and even though the three in hydroponics all fruited more, grew taller and looked overall healthier I got a C for not controlling for enough factors and for the testing period not being long enough (it was a little less than a month).

        Years later I was a fifth grade teacher at an evangelical school and they were going to flunk the only kid who did her own work because talking about antibacterial resistance showed “Darwinian thinking” and I threw them all out, gave her the blue ribbon and an A.

      • Derpetologist

        I nearly caused a fistfight in college during a Q&A session after giving a presentation on evolution. My offending remark was to respond to the question of “if there’s no god, where did the universe come from?” with “where did god come from? an un-created universe is just as plausible as an un-created god.”

      • John Titor

        Ok ok, you win most Jesusy childhood, it’s not a contest or anything…

        Sounds like your sister worked smart while you worked hard. Playing to your audience’s bias, has a future in marketing I’m sure.

      • jesse.in.mb

        She grew up to be an insurance salesperson, so pretty much, and sorry wasn’t trying to get competitive. Young-earth creationism sends me down a rabbit hole of memories.

        Did you know we can prove that God created the earth because bananas fit so nicely in our hands?

      • Number.6

        Surely, they also fit comfortably in the hands of the other large primates, and presumably the hominid skeletons that have been left behind to challenge our faith.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Surely, they also fit comfortably in the hands of the other large primates, and presumably the hominid skeletons that have been left behind to challenge our faith.

        Nobody ever even seems to get to that point. Or mention that said bananas are the heavily cultivated variety out of a pretty broad group of fruits, most of which aren’t as obviously well-suited to hands. Co-evolution or specific breeding programs never enter anyone’s mind. A store bought banana is proof that God loves us and potassium.

      • John Titor

        That first sentence was joking, but I hate emoticons so it’s hard to tell.

        Do you know that the Battle of Armageddon in Revelations is clearly the atheist Chinese invading the Middle East to destroy religion?

      • Number.6

        Look, guys, I was raised Church of England, so it’s not like I’m differentiated in any way from your average run-of-the-mill atheist.

      • jesse.in.mb

        My mother was on about Blood Moons recently, but nothing happened and now she’s on about how the Saudis are the villains of Revelations. It occurs to me I should be keeping a journal or something.

        I just keep smiling and telling her “I’m pretty sure the Bible says ‘no man knows the day nor the hour” and then she explains why THIS one knows.

      • Zunalter

        My offending remark was to respond to the question of “if there’s no god, where did the universe come from?” with “where did god come from? an un-created universe is just as plausible as an un-created god.

        Infinite causal regression?

      • DenverJ

        You know how they got 6000 years? Remember all those books that start “now, Joseph begat Simon, who begat the Hill, who begat Laverne and Shirley’? Well, some of those lists also give how old people lived for. So, you add up all those begat​s, and make a guess about the people whose agrees aren’t given, and presto! 6600 years from Adam to Donald Trump.

      • jesse.in.mb

        And you have no idea how old any of them where when they had their children. Clearly the earth is MUCH younger than the estimates.

      • DenverJ

        Look, Jesse, joesephus lived until he was 800. Because the atmosphere was like Venus, with all kinda of water. That’s what let little lizards grow into dinosaurs and let Joe Walsh live to be 800.
        And everybody knows that when you’re dying you get horny. So, Bo Jangles begat Noah when Bo Jangles was 324 years old.
        I mean, do you even math?

      • Number.6

        Dear Bog, those thinks make Erich von Daniken’s stuff look sane.

      • dbleagle

        As a geology student in 1980 we organized a Department wide party for the Earth’s Birthday. We used Bishop Usher’s computation of October 25, 4004bce, We also created two commemorative t-shirts. One had two lovelorn dinosaurs looking at each other across a creek and the saying “Stop Continental Drift” . The other had the periodic table with “The First Church of the Periodic Table” above and “Salvation is only Dollars Away” below.

        Needless to say it was a great party, but we won no friends from the evangelical organizations.

      • Number.6

        Ah, University of Manchester was far too staid and boring for that. We just went out and smashed up some limestone in North Yorkshire.

  7. straffinrun

    It was just a dream? Who shot JR Huma?

    • compgrokker

      No matter who it was, it was Bush’sTrump’s fault.

  8. Derpetologist

    truth is stranger than SugarFree

    Biology Prof: Trump Presidency Is So Traumatic It Will Change Human Genome Forever
    https://heatst.com/world/biology-professor-trump-presidency-is-so-traumatic-it-will-change-human-genome-forever/

    ***
    A biology professor has claimed that the mass trauma of Donald Trump’s presidency will bring about permanent changes to the human genome.

    Peter Ward, an academic at the University of Washington, predicted “an evolutionary consequence” because of the “stress” Trump’s term in the White House is causing the American population.

    He asserted that the process by which human genetics could change is analogous to post-traumatic stress disorder in soldiers or the the victims of domestic abuse.

    The unconventional view came in a discussion of human capacity to mutate with the science blog (and Gawker offshott) Gizmodo.

    Ward was one of seven academics asked to bring their expertise to bear on the question of whether and how X-Men-style “superhuman mutants” could develop.
    ***

    • Pomp

      😐

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Ward should go bugger a yak and see how that turns out.

    • Rufus the Monocled

      The comments section didn’t seem to notice. The ones I glanced over anyway.

    • jesse.in.mb

      I’m not sure his statement is that radical in terms of what they’re finding in epigenetics. An extended stress period could potentially leave heritable changes to epigenetic states if the Dutch and Swedes are to be believed. Now, I’d argue that this stress period is self or group induced rather than Trump induced.

      • Homple

        Trofim Lysenko, call your office.

    • westernsloper

      So Idiocracy will become real. Whatever dude. And for the record, you type like a fag.

    • AlmightyJB

      How do we know which papers are hoaxes?

      • Zunalter

        Compare them objectively to your subjective biases.

    • DenverJ

      My Spidey Sense is tingling

    • I. B. McGinty

      What’s going to happen to those of us that don’t give a shit? Genetically speaking that is.

      • DenverJ

        Oh, you’ll die right along with the rest of us: President Trump has declared war on Planet Earth, so you know, we’re all equally doomed.

      • Akira

        so you know, we’re all equally doomed.

        But women and minorities will be most affected, as always.

    • Zunalter

      So, what you are saying is that in a couple of generations, those addicted to outrage culture could actually be a different species? In an additional way, that is.

  9. SimonD

    Does it make someone a bad person if they spend five minutes laughing out loud at this

    …..asking for a friend.

    On a slightly more serious note, I always saw Madame Felony as more of an emperor lich than a Lovecraftian horror.

  10. Stinky Wizzleteats

    The last line of this piece is by far the most disturbing.

    • Galt1138

      Indeed. *shudder*

    • Zunalter

      I know, more backfat/tentacle talk, less 2020 pres run talk.

    • Rufus the Monocled

      “Brendon Cahill 6h ago

      The takeover of the advertising industry by identity politics is merely a reflection of this culture. The people who put together these ads are young, energetic, politically active, middle upper class, metropolitan, liberally educated people doing their bid to save the planet by making pepsi more into their image. When the inevitable fallout comes from this hamfisted and transparently stupid approach to politics mingling with the hard realities of life, the fellow radical lefties like this author want to distance themselves from it (most probably because of how daylight reveals the intense levels of cringe embodied in these worldviews). What’s next? “Shun the unbeliever!” lulz… The only psychological defense is to retreat back into the imaginary world of conspiracy theories and boardrooms stuffed with old white guys coming up with these ideas. I work in advertising and can guarantee you it was not the case. More likely to be one of your ‘woke’ friends trying to impress you and their bosses at the same time by fighting like crazy to get these horrific concepts passed. Why is it the same dream clients and products that only a middle upper class millennial dreams of working on that get these ads? Those are the same kids who pursue careers in advertising to explore their “creative side”. This is the logical byproduct of pop-politics as it eats itself… expect worse… way way worse… till it finally collapses in on itself from the sheer weight of it’s own delusions. Being woke is only step one… you have yet to swallow the red pill to make sense of the simulacra around you.”

      This guy gets it. He’s woke.

      • John Titor

        Yep. No cynical Don Draper-esque advertising prick would look at, say, Starbucks’ attempt to talk about race relations during coffee orders and consider it a good idea.

      • The Zenome Project

        Advertising firms full of young Reality Winners who think that being white is a form of terrorism and that Islam is good for the wimminz and is super-inspiring. And they think that the next generation actually wants to buy products from those ads? I don’t live with insane leftists, but I think not.

      • Number.6

        A marketing partner of the firm I work at once did some navel-gazing about how they could appeal to more minority clients.

        Seriously. I mean, fuck it, we’re a hedge fund. Surely the answer should be “go out and find some greedy black people who have a lot of cash“.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        This guy gets it. He’s woke.

        I met a guy in jail that made more sense than him. He said he was going to kill me and fuck my corpse. He was behind bulletproof glass and 300lbs of steel.

        I was the guard.

    • Rhywun

      “Advertisers used to wonder how a spot would play in Peoria [Illinois],” says Florida. “Now they wonder how it would play in Brooklyn.”

      God fucking damn it I’ve had it up to here with my city being the poster-boy for this shit. 96 percent of us don’t live in Williamsburg you know.

      • The Zenome Project

        They don’t get you, and they don’t want to get you. Urban leftists think that they’re aristocrats and that they are superior to us in every way, whether morally, financially, or intellectually. Revolting.

      • Chipwooder

        It’s sad, really. When I think of Brooklyn, I think of the Brooklyn of my grandparents’ day when they were growing up in Gerritsen Beach and Marine Park. Wherever they are now, I guarantee you they are just as sickened as you. Their Brooklyn was just normal Irish and German working class – my ancestors were a milkman, a bricklayer, a railroad brakeman, and a bunch of longshoremen.

        BTW, of course Richard Florida still gets interviewed for these things despite being mostly wrong.

    • Gilmore

      The whole purpose of progressivism is to create a mechanism by which adherents can declare themselves morally-superior to some other group.

      this necessitates constantly finding heretics among themselves; those who already reject them – e.g. the unenlightened deplorables who refuse to educate themselves – are already so inferior to everyone else that they’re socially useless; so they end up engaged in perpetual witch-hunts to find new people to declare impure.

      Note that the top comment of the piece engages in its own attempt at accusing the author of some heresy =


      Lenore89
      3h ago

      Since when did Caucasians start using the word “woke”?

      • The Zenome Project

        The left loves to cannibalize and eat their own because of whatever is the hot political philosophy of the month. I guess right now they’re still stuck on culturul appropreashunz!

      • Chipwooder

        I would bet my life that Lenore89 is as dark as a bottle of milk

      • Akira

        this necessitates constantly finding heretics among themselves

        Good. I hope they make their metaphorical tent smaller and smaller, and maybe “progressivism” will die out in my lifetime.

      • Zunalter

        Unfortunately, I suspect we haven’t even seen Derp’s final form.

    • Chipwooder

      I fervently wish someone uses the word woke in my presence, so I can then punch them in the face.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        This guy gets it.

      • DenverJ

        He’s pretty woke

  11. Ted S.

    I would have thought Michelle Obama was the princess of darkness.

    /ducking

    • Rhywun

      Bravo, you sick bastard.

    • Rufus the Monocled

      Noyce.

    • AlmightyJB

      I thought Michelle Obama was the princess of Kashyyyk.

  12. Derpetologist

    Evergeen College through the eyes of a non-traditional student: a 37 years old, gun-toting libertarian atheist who voted for George W. Bush. Twice.

    https://www.thecollegefix.com/post/33084/

    ***
    Indeed, the recent ruckus that has inflamed this 4,000-student public school is not mirrored in its environmentally friendly atmosphere and progressive vibe.

    I’m left wondering, where is the racism I keep hearing so much about? This place is so not racist. If it was any less racist, it could be the textbook example for MLK’s dream. It’s so far left its professors and policies often make Bernie Sanders look moderate.

    Yet I kept hearing about racist campus police, and racist professors, and racists campus policies, and institutional racism. Then I asked for specifics. Big mistake.

    The response I get in person and online can be summarized thusly: “Asking about racism is perpetuating racism.” “Seeking evidence is oppressive.”
    ***

  13. Brochettaward

    Copying straffinrun’s CNN link here, and highlighting the same portion:

    CORRECTION AND UPDATE: This article was published before Comey released his prepared opening statement. The article and headline have been corrected to reflect that Comey does not directly dispute that Trump was told multiple times he was not under investigation in his prepared testimony released after this story was published.

    Gist of the story is that Comey will say that his opinion of Trump’s intent is irrelevant and he’s unsure. Allows Mueller to keep going, but CNN leads with this dubious correct that still contradicts the actual text within their story that Comey in fact did tell Trump on three occasions that he was not the subject of any investigation.

    The media is doing their typical spin and Comey is trying to leave the obstruction issue open ended (for Mueller and to allow the media narrative to continue), but this is a guy who kept these remarks secret and did not report them to the DOJ. He made his opinion the only one that actually counted by doing so which undercuts his entire argument (plus his previous testimony as well as that of McCabe).

    This is all about the PR battle right now and what sort of dirt Mueller can dig up on Trump ‘associates’ like Flynn. So this likely doesn’t go anywhere unless they can get something far more serious. I obviously do not trust Mueller’s intentions here. I suspect this shit will linger for a long while as he drags his ass and because Comey wants it to, but Trump is going to come out of Thursday’s testimony with a win.

    • straffinrun

      They took down the original headline they had up. Rabbit hole your f*** ups, rinse and repeat.

      • Chipwooder

        They also took the Comey countdown clock off the screen of their programming. Sad!

    • BigGreg

      You shouldn’t wear skinny jeans if you don’t have skinny genes.

    • Number.6

      Not horrible at all, but I wouldn’t crawl over broken glass for her either.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Lame. Annie Lennox had higher hopes for you. Dashed.

      • Number.6

        It’s not her build that doesn’t work for me, it’s her body language. Not easy to explain, but plus-size models per se are often quite acceptable since I’m a little plus-sized too.

    • AlmightyJB

      Oh definitely would

      • NOT a Naked Intruder

        +sized WOULD

      • Swiss Servator

        Seconded. More than once.

  14. Gilmore

    OT
    (technically, nothing outside a porn parody of Human Centipede could possibly be “on topic”) =

    anyone ever pull the glass off an LCD monitor because of dust between the backlight and the screen?

    its not urgent, but its irritating. mostly in the lower 2 corners, there’s been a gradual buildup of visible grey dust-flakes, mostly noticible when googling and there’s a solid-white background.

    I suspect i’d probably break the fucking thing in the process, so am weighing whether to hold off another year until i buy a new one, or give it a go and try and clean it. curious if anyone else has tried it.

    • Rhywun

      I didn’t even know that was possible.

    • Number.6

      Canned air and patience. I wouldn’t try any kind of effort to split the layers.

    • jesse.in.mb

      I’ve seen a couple of monitors start going white in the corners, it looks like dust collecting until you get closer and see that it’s an area of pixel failure. At that point you probably need to replace the monitor or live with it.

      If it is something cleanable just make sure you disassemble in a very clean space lest you work dust deeper into the screen.

      • Gilmore

        no, its not pixel failure. its dust. the frame on the thing is loose and it has crept in from either the top or side seam.

        i suspect #6 is correct, and i should just find these seams and blast air in there and hope for the best. i expect the result will end up being “more dust where its more visible”

        So i guess the short answer here is “no” no one’s ever de-glassed a monitor.

      • AlmightyJB

        No one has time for menial tasks like that. Too many comments to be written.

      • Number.6

        I’ve seen it attempted a couple times, but less elegantly than the youtube video. The results were not encouraging.

    • AlmightyJB

      If it ain’t broke

    • The Elite Elite

      nothing outside a porn parody of Human Centipede could possibly be “on topic”

      Why did you make the suggestion? I’m not even going to look to see if that’s already been done.

      • westernsloper

        No kidding. Now I am mustering all strength to not search that.

    • DenverJ

      I’ve replaced the glass before. Depends on the model, but laptops aren’t made to be taken apart easily. It’s definitely not a tower.
      Usually, you have to take the whole thing apart, starting from the base and working towards the keypad. But not always. Google a YouTube. (That sentence would make no sense 10 years ago, crazy huh).
      Use an old debit card to work around any plastic case that is “popped” in, you know with the tabs that lock it in.
      Not rocket surgery, requires patience and a clean work area, oh, and a set of small screwdrivers. Take pictures as you go.
      The screen will be attached by a small ribbon cable.

      • DenverJ

        Wait, that was to replace the LCD. To take out the glass, is much easier. There’s probably two screws hidden under rubber plugs take those out. Then, use an old debit card or something like that to seperate the seam around the glass.
        Easy peasy

  15. Diane Reynolds

    Is this Sugarfree’s version of equal time?

  16. Ken Shultz

    The Democrats don’t have a deep bench.

    I suspect Bernie could beat Hillary next time. Liz Warren will need to make a move pretty soon, and she has all the same donors as Hillary, too.

    If Hillary ran again, Bernie might beat her for the nomination, but if Hillary won the nomination, my money would be on Trump to beat her again.

    If he beat when she had the White House behind her and they had pussy grabbing tape that came out the day before the debates, he should be able to knock her for a loop without those advantages.

    And he has the bully pulpit. And he’s not doing a terrible, awful, unbelievably bad job–unless you judge his performance by the quality of his tweets, which I don’t think most swing voters are likely to do.

    • The Zenome Project

      The best shot that the left has at winning an election is with Tulsi Gabbard, but the elites want to primary her instead because she doesn’t follow the usual war-mongering foreign policy of the consensus establishment. No way would she ever get superdelegate support.

      • dbleagle

        Gawd almighty ZARDOZ save us from that fate. Tulsi is my congresscritter and why she is better than our two non-sentient Senators Gabbard has no executive experience and only 3 years in the House. As a veteran she is decent on VA issues but is horrible on 1A, 2A, 4A, 5A, 8A, 9A and ACA issues. Plus she supports the entire “native hawaiian homelands bullshit.

    • AlmightyJB

      If the job market continues to bounce back and that starts being reflected in wages, that’s going to be HUGE for him.

    • DenverJ

      Hillary Clinton as Democratic nominee for president in 2020? Never gonna happen. It’s a pipe dream. Of course, i said Trump would never win, so what do i know? I just don’t see it though. And how old will she be? I know, Trump’s oldest than dirt, also.
      Weird times, man. But you’re right about the Dems: they have no back bench. They have a few blue States, and a minority in Congress, mostly old white people, even those who claim to not be white. Their base has become full on Communist, and, since the Republicans have been kicking their ass for the last 6-8 years, they have no fresh faces coming out of the States to run for the house or Senate.
      I sympathize with Republican rhetoric; but their bark is worse than their bite. I worry that without an effective opposition, even one full of fascists, the Republicans… Well fuck, of course they’re going to go full blown retard.
      Sigh. We should start a libertarian party.

  17. Slammer

    Short and sick. Just how I like it.

    One of your best

    • DenverJ

      Short and sick. Just how I like it.

      That’s what she said.

    • Rhywun

      “The ancient Egyptians were black people, not Arabs,”

      Say what?

      • Slammer

        We wuz kangz

      • AlmightyJB

        I thought they were aliens

      • BigGreg

        Ancient Jews were also black. So I’ve been told.

      • AlmightyJB

        Black people wouldn’t kill God

      • BigGreg

        No, those weren’t Jews. They were Jewish. As in, “you wish you were a Jew”. I swear to black Jesus a man told me that with a straight face. It was one of the few times in my life I was truly speechless. I couldn’t even get out a ” You’re a useless motherfucker, ain’t ya?”

      • AlmightyJB

        lol. That’s pretty stellar. Every once and a while you have a conversation like that where the person says something so profoundly stupid that you never forget it. That’s quite an accomplishment when you think about it.

      • DenverJ

        It’s pretty much my goal every day when i leave the house.

      • Brochettaward

        Afrocentrism. I actually had a black history professor (a white guy) who pushed it as legitimate despite DNA evidence and the opinion of actual Egytpologists. The biggest evidence? Egyptians used black for skin in their doodles.

        These same people are the types who argue that Cleopatra – who came from a Macedonian-Greek royal line – was black. They argue Jesus was black. They are also the same people who think Idris Elba should play in everything and that he was just great in his last role even though they didn’t like anything else about it.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Idris Elba should play in everything

        I absolutely believe this. But he has terrible taste in the movie roles he’s willing to take.

      • Akira

        The biggest evidence? Egyptians used black for skin in their doodles.

        Haha, does he think that the ancient Greeks were also black because they drew figures with black skin?

      • John Quincy Addingmachine

        And those are the only two choices, given the complex interactions of Mediterranean trading civilizations over thousands of years?

      • Rhywun

        Is it apropos to wonder, “who the fuck cares?”

      • John Titor

        Well, obviously black nationalists and afrocentrists.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        And Egyptologists.

      • John Quincy Addingmachine

        I don’t. An industry apparently does. We’re talking about it. Hey. the system works!

        Anyway, how are the cats doing?

      • DenverJ

        Meh, it’s interesting. I’m fascinating by ancient history. For instance, the idea that ancestors of the Israelites were actually one of the sea peoples? Or the history of how the eruption of a single volcano could completely destroy an advanced civilization and reduce the entirety of the classical world to a dark ages? Which might actually explain the sea peoples?
        Fascinating.

      • John Titor

        To be fair, they weren’t Arabs either.

        Nubians (who were black) had significant influence and were present in Egyptian society (including a ruling dynasty or two) but the Upper and Lower Egypt were primarily populated by Levantines.

        This year they completed a large DNA test of dozens of mummies that (unsurprisingly) confirmed the Levantine hypothesis.

    • Slammer

      Always having mummies in White wrappings…ugh

      • AlmightyJB

        Egyptian embalmers sooo racist

    • The Elite Elite

      More diversity means less white people. Didn’t you know?

    • AlmightyJB

      Derp speech way worse than hate speech. Also, would.

      • Number.6

        Agreed, and agreed. I think she’s more Berber than Akadian/Bedouin.

    • one true athena

      and yet you know if the mummy were played by, I dunno, Rihanna, all we’d hear from the same crowd is that “omg black woman is the villain! why couldn’t she have been the hero?!!??”

    • DenverJ

      Yeah, waaaaay too lazy to click. Lakewood what state? There’s, like, a hundred Lakewoods.

  18. Ken Shultz

    The topic on top becomes the new general topic thread, right? I mean, that’s the way we’ve always played before.

    Queensberry rules!

    Alright, well this is kind of amazing. You might need to google the headline.

    “The Herald Sun revealed today that the Islamic Council of Victoria wants young Muslims to have access to taxpayer-funded “safe spaces” in which they can make “inflammatory” comments.

    Premier Daniel Andrews slammed the Council’s call as “wrong”, saying the places would be a “hate space”.

    “There is no safe way to rail against the West,” he said.

    “It is wrong, it is not going to receive any state funding.

    “We will be having a very close look at the Islamic Council of Victoria’s funding in a broader sense because I am very troubled, very troubled, by the suggestion that we might have a space where people could be radical as part of a deradicalisation program.

    “We’ll be having a close look at the Islamic Council of Victoria’s funding and their approach to these matters in a boarder sense.

    “We will not be supporting this.”

    In a highly controversial submission to a parliamentary inquiry into freedom of religion, the Islamic Council of Victoria is demanding that funding for federal counter-terrorism and anti-extremism programs be diverted to create the refuges.

    “Muslim young people are feeling more emotionally overloaded. A safe space is needed for them to meet and talk about a range of issues in emotional terms, where they can be frank and even use words which in a public space would sound inflammatory,” the submission says.

    “That they cannot express irony, humour, anger or joy in words and facial expressions that would make them a target for ‘surveillance’ is a cause for despondency leading to mental health issues among many.””

    “‘Space to rage’: Victoria’s Islamic leaders call for taxpayer-funded refuges where youths can vent”

    http://www.heraldsun.com.au/

    It’s such a cluster-fuck.

    On the one hand, why are they getting taxpayer money in the first place? It gets real complicated over in Australian. My understanding is that they take care of equal treatment before the law by having the government help finance every religious school equally–along with public schools. So Muslim schools are taxpayer supported, as are Catholic schools, etc. Can’t discriminate! Meanwhile, they’re paying these guys to do counter-terrorism stuff, which just seems like it could only end in tears.

    Meanwhile, when I read what the Imam is saying, he has a good point about the hate speech laws in Australia. Who would have predicted that hate speech laws designed to protect the feelings of Muslims would someday cause Muslims to be worried about what they say?

    Well, anybody who’s every commented on this site, that’s who!

    Also, they’re using the term “safe space” in a different way than we’re used to. In the U.S., on college campuses, etc., a safe space is a place where people can’t say things that might hurt somebody’s feelings. What this Imam wants is a safe space where young Muslims can exercise free speech–where hate speech laws don’t apply!

    • Number.6

      “Here are the directions to your safe space”

      “This is a route map to Helmond Province!”

      “yep”

    • Gilmore

      “That they cannot express irony, humour, anger or joy in words and facial expressions that would make them a target for ‘surveillance’ is a cause for despondency leading to mental health issues among many.””

      “”but I WANNNA rant about jihaaaaaaad!!! IF I CANT IM GONNA GET ALL POUTY N SHIT””

      if the choice is between ‘muslims screaming about death to infidels’, and ‘jihadis with depression’, i’ll take door #2 bob.

      • BigGreg

        I don’t know. I don’t think I wanna live in a world where even the extremist are giant pussies.

      • Ken Shultz

        Cutting their funding if they’re going to use it for that is the right thing to do, but it’s too bad they needed to wait for something like this to cut Australian taxpayer funding for Imams who want a space so that kids can scream about how much they hate Australia.

        Good thing we don’t do anything like that here in America!

        Why if any of our colleges provided a safe space for students to go after average Americans talking about how much they hated America and Americans, etc., we’d cut that school’s funding in a heartbeat!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      The imam would have a good point about hate speech laws if he was pushing for their repeal. It looks like he actually wants a special favor for Muslims only. Fuck that. Also, these people presumably have homes, let them vent there.

      • Ken Shultz

        Well, making it taxpayer funded is the real problem.

        It is interesting that when you have hate speech laws, the term “safe space” starts to mean freedom from those laws.

        When you don’t have hate speech laws, “safe space” means a place where people can’t say things that hurt other people’s feelings.

        The situation seems to change the meaning of the word. The question of a safe space becomes “safe from what?”

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Safe from the oppressive laws they seem to have trumpeted in the first place.

      • Ken Shultz

        Funny how that works!

    • DenverJ

      In America, we used to call that the public square. Islam guys can come out and speak whatever hate they want. I’ll even fight to protect their right to say it. And, then, i can, in public, explain how they are wrong.
      See how it works?

  19. Heroic Mulatto

    I used to watch Disney cartoons as a child, and I always loved Donald Duck. And I don’t mean he was my favorite character, I mean I loved Donald Duck. Not sexually, of course, as I was around seven years old, but I definitely was fascinated with him to an unusual degree. I had told my parents I wanted to grow up to be a duck, and I would even walk around with my arms at my sides, just like a duck. I would eat bread and crackers as a snack, and would try to swim around in the community pool using just my feet, just like a duck would. Donald was my idol, and I wanted to be just like him. Well, the one obvious shortcoming that I had is that my voice wasn’t like a duck’s voice. Donald spoke in such a unique way, and surely this was the thing that I needed to emulate to be more like him. And then I had a moment of brilliance.

    My family’s dog ripped apart one of its toys, and my parents asked me to throw the scraps away. Buried in the pile of stuffing and cloth was the squeaker. I put it to my mouth and blew on it, and it made a loud squeaky sound. The light bulb clicked on it my head, and without hesitation I swallowed it. Luckily, but to my dismay, it didn’t get lodged in my throat and allow me to talk like a duck. However, I do remember passing it and seeing it floating in the toilet. When I flushed the squeaker down the toilet, I felt like I flushed my dreams of being a duck down with it.

    • Slammer

      I always wondered as a kid, “Why does he wear a shirt and no pants?”

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Because he’s a kinky motherfucker.

      • Pomp

        Daniel Tiger and Dad are always pantsless. Noticably absent is Dad Tiger’s wagging dong, which would make the so much more entertaining if the creators pretended the song was inconspicuous.

      • Pomp

        s/song/dong

      • Pomp
      • Slammer

        Olivia the Pig has Satanic feet/hooves

      • Pomp

        Holy crap that thing is terrifying. Reminds me of that spinning severed pig’s head from the NIN video for Closer.

      • Heroic Mulatto
      • DenverJ

        This place gets weird at night.

      • westernsloper

        Me too. Plus, hat but no shoes? Why?

      • jesse.in.mb

        Weird, I just assumed the top half of a duck is out of the water if it’s swimming. Now I need to rethink my assumptions.

    • Ken Shultz

      I used to have repeated nightmares about Yosemite Sam when I was six. He was coming after my mom. I’d beat the crap out of him, but I couldn’t hurt him because he was a cartoon.

      When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate. You get to jump on ships with burning fuses in your beard and laugh at all the twits? Hell, yeah, I wanna do that.

      I got older and found out that wasn’t a real thing–but Evel Knievel was real. How can there not be pirates in a world with Evel Knievel?

      I got a little older and went with punk rocker once I was 12. At the time, it was kind of like being a pirate. We even had a crew of merry men. We’d steal from the rich and buy beer for the poor. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I didn’t think copypasta would actually invoke a sincere response.

        I actually wanted to be Cyborg as a kid.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Kawaii!!!

      • AlmightyJB

        I think i was about 7 and the teacher showed the old 1923 version of Hunchback of Notre Dame to our class at school. I believe that is the first time I had nightmares over a fictional character.

      • Ken Shultz

        That was a freaky movie.

      • Number.6

        When that movie was released, it reportedly had people running out of the cinema in terror.

      • Ken Shultz

        Freaks was like that, too.

        I hunted it down because of the Ramones song, but Jesus, the last scene in that movie stuck with me. It’s like you can’t believe you’re seeing what you’re seeing at the end. I had to freeze it just to make sure I really saw what I thought I saw.

        And now that I saw it, I can’t unsee it.

        It was a really fucked up image, of her at the end, when she’s joined the show–what they did to her. As she sitting there trying to tell people what has happened to her and there’s just like clucking that can come out.

        I think part of it is that you don’t expect to see something like that coming from that era in film.

      • AlmightyJB

        I didn’t see freaks until a few years ago. Yeah, that was messed up.

      • Slammer

        The Elephant Man gave me nightmares. I went with my parents to the film, and it disturbed me so much they let me leave and walk around the mall until it was over.

      • Chipwooder

        The one that freaked me out the most was the headless horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. When we moved from NY to Virginia, we suddenly went from a dense suburb to a fairly rural one where there was nothing but woods behind our house. I remember how, when I was 7 or 8, I used to look out my bedroom window at night and imagine seeing the headless horseman riding out of the woods into our backyard.

      • Ted S.

        Yosemite Same is a butch lesbian trapped inside a man’s body. I mean, watch Hare Trimmed where he marries Bugs Bunny in drag.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Thus died HM’s fevered dreams of being Heroic Mallard.

    • Derpetologist

      True story: I swallowed a penny when I was 3 when I determined that the show must go on while trying to do a magic trick. I remember seeing it on an x-ray. It came out eventually, which is good because otherwise surgery was recommended. My dad had to inspect all my shit for a few days to make sure it came out.

      [cue Wonder Years theme song]

    • NOT a Naked Intruder

      HM, Don’t lose your dinosaur Duck.

  20. Brochettaward

    I know this has come up before, but Idris Elba really is incredibly overrated as an actor. It’s not even that retarded, smug progressives love him and suggest him for every role because he’s one of the four black actors they know by name. He can barely hide his accent or speak clearly in general (I can’t tell if that’s because he’s black or British – and I don’t want to know!). He was pretty good on The Wire, but not even close to the best actor or even written character on that show. Stringer Bell was bland until the show started to get more fantastical as time passed and had their dope dealing kingpin go to business school by night. I mean, he had so much potential if he didn’t get up in all that gang stuff! Poor Stringer!

    I’m not saying he’s bad. Just that…what the hell has he actually done to deserve even a fraction of the praise he’s received throughout his career while everyone else from The Wire gets forgotten and overlooked?

    • Slammer

      The guy from The Wire (their Lieutenant?) is really good as the LA Police Chief on Bosch. Pretty much the same character, though.

      • Gilmore

        Lt Daniels, played by Lance Reddick

        he was excellent on that show. jokey photo aside, he was great mostly because of his understated, ‘slow burn’ acting. he did a lot by doing very little.

      • Pomp

        He was on HBO’s Oz too. Remember, Jesse?

      • jesse.in.mb

        *perks up* are we talking about Chris Meloni’s nalgas again?

        Reddick was also in Fringe.

      • Pomp

        Vocab.added

      • jesse.in.mb

        Did you GIS it and get this? (SFW)

      • Pomp

        Kekeke, damn you paparazzo! No I didn’t happen to search Meloni, but he rules and is fit enough to make me feel like human garbage. *dribbles 7-11 nacho cheese & spicy beef topping on wife-beater, too apathetic to clean up*

      • jesse.in.mb

        Nicole sent this to me the other day. Neither of us had seen it previously.

      • Pomp

        I wear Keds. #therealmeloni

    • Juvenile Bluster

      Watch Luther.

      Elba’s one of my favorite actors out there right now, and mostly because of that show.

      • jesse.in.mb

        ^^This

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Agreed. It helps that he doesnt need to hide his accent.

        Plus the sadistic redhead is hot.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Ruth Wilson. I liked her in (and the first season of) The Affair.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Her name is mostly irrelevant. I have simple requirements:

        – Dangerous? Maybe.
        – Redhead? Oh yeah!
        – Will she murder me in my sleep? Nope. I’ll be wide awake.

        Now that I think about it, it doesn’t matter who plays Luther either.

    • AlmightyJB

      They were talking about him for the next Bond dude.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Kind of, Daniel Craig mentioned him in an off-handed way as a great choice and a bunch of people went “oh shit, he’d be great” and then a bunch of other people went “OMG NEGROES TAKING JOBS FROM WHITE AMERICANS” and lost their fucking minds. Elba says he’s flattered by the attention but not in talks with anyone and thinks he’s too old for the role anyway.

        The rumors apparently keep flaring up about it two years later though.

      • John Titor

        I would be fine with it if they had actually done the smart thing and made that fan-theory about how James Bond is just a codename like 007 for different operatives (explaining the actor and period changes) canon but Skyfall just had to screw that up.

  21. westernsloper

    As series of faint whimpering cries brought Huma near consciousness enough for her to snort out a hitch in her breathing. She reached out and touched a sweaty fold in Hillary’s luscious back-fat without really waking and fell back into a deeper cycle of sleep.

    Beautiful.

    I have three sweaty one dollar bills from my ball sweat soaked front pocket to offer if Huma, Hillary and the back fat end up on the presidential pillow humping couch for an orgy with the retarded sons, hat, hair, and Kelly Ann where they whip Jared with over cooked steak and make him eat two scoops of ice cream covered in ketchup while Ivanka rubs Donald’s polished cranium as she spins her head around on her unnaturally long neck.

  22. Timeloose

    Great modification of the scariest aspect of the Prince of Darkness movie. I think this one was much more frightening than the source material.

    • Galt1138

      Agreed. The Lovecraftian imagery was a very nice touch as well.

  23. Urthona

    I really love the editorial section of this newspaper. It’s different.

    • John Quincy Addingmachine

      You should check out the comics section!

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Outstanding obscure Futurama reference as screen name.

      • John Quincy Addingmachine

        Thanks, I will kill you filthy meat bag last.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Don’t trust you. Like your namesake, you’re likely promising more than you can deliver.

      • quincy

        Yeah, that’s about as long as I can stay in character.

  24. Juvenile Bluster

    It has now rained 14 inches here since Monday morning and they’re expecting 1-3″ overnight.

    I’m not sure I’m in good enough shape to kayak the 25 miles to work tomorrow.

    • Urthona

      It’s not the number of inches. It’s how you use them.

      • Gilmore

        It’s how you use them.

        (GOD perks up)
        “ah. good reminder.”
        (waves hand)
        “LET THERE BE AN OUTBREAK OF CHOLERA FROM OVERFLOWING SEWERS…. AND (FOR THE LULZ!) A FREAKOUT OVER ZIKA-BEARING MOSQUITOES”
        (sighs with satisfaction, goes back to playing xbox)

    • Rufus the Monocled

      14 inches? Still smaller than my (((dick))).

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Look, lately I’ve seen the conspiracy theorists in /r/incels figure out that (((we))) control sexual access to women. Keep this shit up and see where it gets you.

      • Rufus the Monocled

        Was that cultural appropriation?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        This is why I always put money in my tzedakah box.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Did… you just link to an H-game? I mean, a non-sexual part of an h-game, but…

      • John Titor

        Naw, Princess Maker’s pretty tame from what I’ve seen.

        She can grow up to be a whore however.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Ah. I usually assume those dating sims are h-games.

        (I swear, all I know about them are from watching non-sexual anime versions adapted from h-games, like Air/Kanon/Clannad)

  25. Gustave Lytton

    I’m gonna need more alcohol to choke down this story. I thought we’d put those Hillary and Huma stories behind us back at the old place. It’s like the Israelites bringing Egyptian sun god worshipping with them into Caanan.

  26. Derpetologist

    Cool and gloomy as usual here in Monterey. Most days, the place looks like the picture on the cover of The Fall of House of Usher.
    I like it.

    Question: is there a way to prevent a group of people from believing their shit doesn’t stink and using that as a reason to boss other people around? Historically, the only remedy is for like-minded people to arm themselves and band together for protection.

    All stupid ideas get discredited eventually, but never go away completely. Also, new stupid ideas, which are often just slightly different versions of old stupid ideas spring up to take their place.

    I’ve heard religion used as the answer to the “how do you stop people from being assholes” question, although religion can also be used as a reason to believe your shit doesn’t stink, so it’s neutral in my view.

    • straffinrun

      This is CuNNt.

    • Chipwooder

      And yet even she’s still not as bad as Barbara “Senator Ma’am” Boxer.

    • KSuellington

      I believe that looks like a traditional Irish wake if I’m not mistaken.

  27. Juvenile Bluster

    So the Cavs just played as well as they possibly could play… for 47 minutes, 15 seconds. And lost.

    • KSuellington

      They have no answer to the Warriors. Great game. Dubs end it Friday.

      • __Warren__

        Then after that the Showtime Lakers can reconstitute and play the Warriors. Of course GS will have to spot them like 60 points.

      • KSuellington

        The NBA is all over that idea.

    • DOOMco

      All that home advantage.

  28. The Fusionist

    Sorry I mocked you when you were getting mellower, SugarFree. Now you’ve stopped being mellow and gone back to…to whatever weird and scary place you started in. 🙁

  29. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Props to Sugarfree for ripping off one of my favorite schlock horror flicks, Prince of Darkness.

    You should have worked some tachyons and pre-biotic fluids in there though.

    • SugarFree

      I thought about having Hillary shoot a jet of green water at Huma’s mouth, but I figured that already happens pretty often.