Ask Animal!
Ask Animal
My colleagues ZARDOZ and STEVE SMITH have been offering advice and counsel to Glibs, lurkers, ladies and gentlemen and persons of irregular birth for some time now, so I thought I’d join the fun. However, just to set myself apart, instead of lifting advice requests from the papers I’ll present some that I’ve dealt with personally over the years.
All names have been changed to protect the… uh… correspondents.
Unfortunate Plans
Dear Animal –
My son is nineteen. His girlfriend is eighteen. They are both high school graduates. While we live in New Jersey, the kids have settled on the desire to move to California. I can’t blame them for this, as I lived in California as a young man and really enjoyed my time there. I do love New Jersey, as it is a settled, civilized place, but I can see the appeal of California as well.
What concerns me is that the two kids have reduced their personal belongings to what will fit in a knapsack each, and they plan to hitchhike cross-country to California.
Is this a good idea? What might go wrong with two teenagers hitchhiking from New Jersey to California? Should I try to talk them out of it?
Woolchester Cowperthingle, Crosspatch, NJ
Dear Woolly –
You should offer no resistance or criticism to your son’s and his girlfriend’s plans. This may come as something of a surprise to you, but your son and his girl are both idiots. Sometimes a young person just has to have the stupid beat out of them, and the fact that your son and his girlfriend think that California as it currently stands is a desirable place to move to indicates that they are in possession of more stupid than the usual run of American teenagers. In fact, I’m doubtful as to whether one cross-country trip will do the trick; you might suggest that if things in California don’t work out, they should hitchhike back home.
Still, if you are concerned for their safety, consider giving them the following pieces of wisdom for the road:
- Roadside ditches are not good places to sleep during thunderstorms.
- Never accept a ride from anyone named “Hatchet,” “Alley-Oop” or “STEVE SMITH.”
- You’re more likely to get rides if you look pathetic. Fortunately, after a day or two on the road this will be pretty easy for them.
I’d advise you to hold out hope that the kids will learn something from this experience, preferably before they hit the city limits, but as a wise man (me) once said, beauty is skin deep, but stupid goes clear to the bone.
Mule Deer?
Dear Animal –
My husband is fond of traveling around the country on hunting and fishing trips. He normally tells me all about his adventures when he returns, but on his last trip when he went hunting in Wyoming, he was very quiet when he returned home. I asked him how he did, and he would only say “I shot a mule, dear.”
Now I can understand why accidentally shooting a mule would be embarrassing, but should I be worried that he’ll have to compensate the owner of the mule? If so, should I encourage him to talk to me about this? How much is a mule worth? Or am I misunderstanding him?
- Roseanna Sparkwaite, Leaf Springs, Indiana
Dear Roseanna –
You didn’t misunderstand your husband. He shot a mule. In fact, this happens so often that many outdoorsmen and outdoor writers have invented a mythological beast called a “mule deer” to provide plausible deniability in the event someone accidentally spills out that they shot a mule. This conspiracy has gone so far that computer-generated images of the mythical “mule deer” often grace the covers of outdoor magazines. Don’t let your husband use this excuse; there’s no such thing as a mule deer.
The whole matter is rather perplexing, as a mule looks nothing like any game animal you’d normally encounter in the American West.
That being said: It’s understanding that your husband would be a little embarrassed about the whole matter, but you should gently encourage him to contact the owner of the animal and offer compensation.
Stealth Collecting
Dear Animal –
My wife is becoming annoyed with my passion for collecting old guns. I generally buy them at shows, estate sales and so on, and have amassed a collection of about sixty guns, which I keep in two safes in my basement workshop. After my last purchase, she advised me that “if I knew what was good for me, I wouldn’t buy any more guns for at least a year.”
Here’s my problem. My buddy is selling a Hiram McDonald-Berger shotgun, a very rare 12-gauge side-by-side made only in Sniffpiddle County, Indiana, for two years, from 1892 to 1894. Obviously, this is a very desirable piece and I really need it in my collection. How can I convince my wife to allow this purchase?
- Abner Postlewaite, Ironspot, OH
Dear Abner –
Your wife probably won’t convince easily. She has apparently hit the end of her tolerance with your collecting, so it’s best just to leave it alone for now; you should instead reflect on the famous old truism, “happy wife, happy life.”
That doesn’t mean you have to forgo the old shotgun, though. Here’s what you do:
Go to your local home-improvement store and buy these things:
- Light bulb.
- Lamp shade.
- Cheap indoor extension cord.
- If you don’t already have some, duct tape.
Now a bit of subterfuge is in order. Go to your buddy’s house and buy the shotgun, but before going home, insert a light bulb into one of the gun’s muzzles. Put the lampshade over the bulb. Cut off the socket end of the extension cord and tape the cut-off end to the barrel of the gun under the lampshade.
When you take the gun home, show it to your wife. Tell her “Honey, I found this old lamp at a garage sale. I’m going to take it down to my workshop and see if I can get it working.” Put the gun in the safe and never mention it again. If she asks about the lamp, tell her you couldn’t get it working so you threw it out.
A little white lie never hurt anyone, after all. Good luck.
Adventures in Housework
Dear Animal –
I’m a great music lover. I love music of all kinds, but especially classical music. I like listening to music while I do housework, generally majestic stuff like the 1812 Overture.
Since I love music so much, but have a hard time hearing it while the dishwasher is running or I am vacuuming, my husband bought me some great noise-cancelling headphones to use while doing housework. He’s been doing the same thing, and as a result we can each listen to our favorite music while getting chores done around the house.
But here’s the problem: Ever since I got these great noise-cancelling headphones, our vacuum cleaner isn’t working properly. Yesterday I ran it around the living room five times and could still see that the carpet wasn’t clean. Is there any way my new noise-cancelling headphones could interfere with the vacuum cleaner?
- Katie Limadally, Sudbury, ON
Dear Katie –
Make sure the vacuum is turned on.
Gary haz a sad. 🙁
That was silly!
Good work Animal
I do love New Jersey, as it is a settled, civilized place, but I can see the appeal of California as well.
??!?!?!?!?!
This may come as something of a surprise to you, but your son and his girl are both idiots. Sometimes a young person just has to have the stupid beat out of them, and the fact that your son and his girlfriend think that California as it currently stands is a desirable place to move to indicates that they are in possession of more stupid than the usual run of American teenagers.
Good advice.
When you take the gun home, show it to your wife. Tell her “Honey, I found this old lamp at a garage sale. I’m going to take it down to my workshop and see if I can get it working.” Put the gun in the safe and never mention it again. If she asks about the lamp, tell her you couldn’t get it working so you threw it out.
Hmm…. I was thinking find a better wife.
Make sure the vacuum is turned on.
HAH!
I call shenanigans. Nobody’s that stupi— Oh, wait.
I watched two different employees talk customers into believing they had a scheduled appointment with us when they didn’t.
One was intentional, one was just mistaken.
One of my daughters nearly convinced the other daughter that butterflies were carnivorous…
In Australia they probably are
Are you sure they aren’t?
Dear Katie –
Make sure the vacuum is turned on.
Perfect.
Make sure the vacuum is turned on.
I have an electric lawn mower. It is significantly quieter than the gas lawn mower it replaced. It is similar to an electric trimmer. It also has an electric start instead of a pull rope. They put in a safety so you must hold the start button, then pull back on the top bar to engage the motor. Their is a separate bar on the bottom for the wheels. The first time my wife tried to use it she didn’t know the startup procedure. She was outside for about 15 minutes before she came in to say it wasn’t cutting the grass.
We have trained air traffic controllers that will claim a system is out of service because they see a black screen. Good amount of work is just turning on a monitor.
Electric mower works great for me. Do the front yard on a single charge, then the next day do the back yard on a single charge – assuming I do it every 1-1.5 weeks. Will hit the backyard tomorrow after work. (day off today).
If the grass isn’t high and I limit the walk assist, I can do the whole yard on one battery. I have a second battery ready if needed. The gas mower could do the whole yard with gas to spare.
“I do love New Jersey, as it is a settled, civilized place”
wut
Well, when you use the european definition of civilized.
You don’t want to live in civilized places.
off course not. the food might have taste.
And someone might win the lottery without playing.
“I do love New Jersey”
Said no one ever.
Not even this guy?
Heh, the ancient times when SNL was still funny.
Highest taxes and worst drivers in the USA. And you can’t pump your own gas. And half of them have moved to Maryland. That accent… it’s disturbing.
“I do love New Jersey, as it is a settled, civilized place”
Endeavor to persevere.
It would be way more civilized if it took all the citified folks from the Twin Cities metro area and only the rare yardbirds were left to gambol about.
I realize back in the day young people needed to move to Cali to do porn but now a webcam and an onlyfans is all they need.
Let’s be fair Pie: there are plenty of European sluts whose greatest dream is still to fuck their way to the Golden State Promised Land. We can’t let their dream die.
Keep Prague Street porn in the streets of Prague!
Clearly the source of Chicago’s otherwise inexplicable gun violence problem. Do better, Sniffpiddlers.
I grew up in the county next to Sniffpiddle. The only interesting things to come from Sniffpiddle were the guns and Jim Jones.
Sniffpiddling definitely sounds like a Rule 34 candidate.
Oh, you must mean Cattywampus County. I grew up there too.
Is that next across from Kitty-corner Township?
Half way between there and Kookamonga.
Not Roosterpoot?
That’s in Kentucky. You just make a left up the holler after the red mailbox.
Post-Independence Day T&A.
https://archive.li/b9cPZ
I do love New Jersey, as it is a settled, civilized place,….
That’s one way to put it.
Must be the nice way to say ‘shithole’.
Animal advice is best advice.
The specificity of several of the questions makes me question the sorce. A little close mayhap, Mr Animal?
Ha. Well done.
A regular Patrick F. McManus, you are. I sure miss that guy.
They shoot canoes, don’t they?
I found myself hoping for a cameo from Rancid Crabtree.
I’ve got a pile of his books around here somewhere, I must find them.
” I generally buy them at shows, estate sales and so on, and have amassed a collection of about sixty guns”
Sixty? Amateur.
With that many guns, all the kids in the neighborhood will definitely shoot themselves.
you should instead reflect on the famous old truism, “happy wife, happy life.”
Kill wife, regret.
Don’t project.
Don’t connect.
Protect.
Don’t expect.
Suggest.
Nice story collection, Animal.
The lamp one sounds familiar.
My husband once bought a new guitar amp. He de-boxed it and left it in the garage to collect dust for a couple of weeks, then brought it in the house and announced he was going to see if “this old amp” still worked.
He didn’t confess until a couple of years later.
A quilting friend of my wife took all her new fabric purchases straight to the basement and left them there a few days. When she’d bring them upstairs her husband would say “did you buy MORE fabric?!”
I’m just bringing it up from the basement
This is why I store my yarn in those hanging shoe cubbyholes in a closet in the non-bedroom bedroom. Easily spirited away so no one is the wiser.
I also store it in various tote bags scattered here and there. (This is also why you can never have too many tote bags.)
One of the joys of being single is that I don’t need to justify my purchases or get permission.
I don’t have to justify my purchases, either.
I have to justify my purchases – to myself.
^^^This. Mr. Couple-Dozen-Guitars in the basement – and elsewhere around the house – has no room to talk about what I buy…but I have to rationalize it in my head. At this point, fear of impending inflation is my all-purpose excuse. ::thinks about impending delivery of more Duluth Trading clothes and two more pairs of shoes::
Wife and I absolutely made sure we would not do that as a married couple and it is refreshing and based on trust. We talk about when we need to tighten the belt and we adjust accordingly. I know it is fun to say we have to sneak in items we want, but yeah, I don’t want to live like that.
Usually it goes “hey are those new shoes? Do they work better than the last ones?” and that is it.
80 hours and $350 will get you from Newark to San Francisco by Amtrak.
Seems a bit wiser than hitchhiking and you still get to see the country and meet people.
Bus is even cheaper and a few hours quicker.
Slightly less stabby than hitchhiking and more stabby than the train that is for sure.
For some reason, I do not find being on a train or a bus as being any type of fun.
If I were to do a cross country again, I’d do the route 66 thing. Was just telling the wife I’d like to do that with her. I’ve done it many times, but most of the times I was not driving because I was a little kid.
I found the train track rhythm very pleasant. And the walking around when I pleased.
I had expected airline food to be what the dining car had on offer. I was pleasantly surprised to have a menu of delicious options to choose from.
I think mr Splosives and I were responsible for consuming all the gin in the Cafe car. You can drink a lot of Tanquery and Tonics in 58 hours…
True, but “train people” are a different breed, and you can get up and walk around. The Cafe car is always open and the dining car has good meals. And there are showers.
My favorite part of the Chicago to SF train trip was that the train went some places that no highways or other roads ran.
(Caveat on enjoying the journey: I had a nice room in the sleeper car. Much better than slumming it in coach.)
I did SF to LA when I was a young teen, visiting my sister when she lived up outside of the Bay. I enjoyed it. Got to sit with a nice family for lunch and dinner and that whole experience was obviously foreign to me.
If I were to ever do it though, I am not getting some seat and getting a sleeper but then your costs go way up for that.
I did SF to Seattle on Coast Starlight with a buddy about 30 years ago. He met some chick on the train and got laid in the washroom. She didn’t have a friend.
I’ve only done short trips on Amtrak, like less than 6 hours. But it was pretty nice.
I’d take the train over flying. I hate flying, especially in coach. After 6 hours or so, I’m ready to jump out of the flying tin can.
My 16 year old son was going to hitchhike from Central Texas to NJ in the summer. After a night in a cornfield, a couple days later he bought a bus ticket from somewhere in TX. A week later he borrowed money from his uncle to fly to Dallas, told his uncle that I’d repay him, which I did. He never did that again
Wife was just switching channels. She briefly stopped on the news while she checked the guide for something else. Some idiot fucking commie was blaming all of the crime in Chicago on out of state guns…especially those from Indiana.
Who cant see through that? Chicago doesnt have a gun problem, they have a people problem.
Goddamned gun-grabbers are more tiresome than the global warming crowd.
“Who cant see through that?”
Democrat voters.
Beetlejuice says all criticism of her is sexism and racism. I can’t even tell what sex that thing is. Like sex is the last thing you would think of looking at her. And I’m pretty sure the race is Beetlejuice, xe is from Beetlejuice.
Ghost guns!
Boo!
Gosh, who could have seen this coming? https://news.yahoo.com/news/newsom-needs-halt-transgender-mixing-201200699.html#click=https://t.co/kvdH4r9poM
Easily foreseen consequences are not unintended.
Who’d a thunk it?
I would think civil suits with multi-million dollar settlements to woman who have been raped in prison would shut this down. Then I remember…California judges. Shouldn’t there be a remedy in Federal court?
It still has to go through the 9th circuit court, which is entirely peopled with hard core commies.
Yeah, the Ninth Circus will go with whatever commies want.
I thought Trump was able to
get 10 seatspack the 9th with judges.Totally unpredictable.
Sorry, ladies – you have to take one for the greater good.
They only don’t like it because Transphobia you know.
This job I applied for within the agency is taking over a month for them to either conduct interviews or announce who they have selected. We are supposed to have strict timelines on how these work and they have blown that by a mile.
Already talking with wife if they overlook me and what our next steps will be taken. Mainly because my 2nd level manager is one who like to ‘develop’ people but then never utilizes that development. I think she is afraid of making a bad choice and she should. She made a horrible choice about 5 years ago that landed her in a shitstorm, which is a major thing considering we are FedGov.
I guess I will continue to wait.
You mean the wife who did your eyebrows?
The mustache suggestion I made will be helpful.
Lily Tang Williams on Communism
My story begins in Chengdu, China, at the dawn of the Cultural Revolution, an insanity that gripped millions of my countrymen. We were destitute, as were most Chinese during this period. We lived in a primitive worker’s row house by a river sharing one tarp-covered outhouse and one water faucet with eight families. We had a mud floor that, after occasional flooding, would sprout mushrooms.
She spoke at a Reopen NH event about Communist propaganda.
That wasn’t real Communism.
/sarc
They just had the wrong people in charge.
/Elena Kegan
*appointed by Barry Obama who is totally not a communist
No, she’s right. Real communists would have stood her and her family up against the wall for any inkling of thinking the Cultural Revolution was “insanity.”
Real communism requires men and women with the guts to liquidate every last person who harbors any doubts about the glorious life they are living under “real communism.” To date, men and women with such guts have failed to materialize. However, some are still working on it.
Everybody’s a comedian, dumping on NJ. Talk about “punching down”! I live here, goddammit!
…You’re not wrong.
Great stuff, Animal. Do the yutes of today still hitchhike?
I’m gonna give that “Tomorrow War” movie a chance today.
Even if it sucks, there will be Chris Pratt eye candy.