Black Lives Matter Splits Over Zebra Question

by | Aug 17, 2021 | Satire | 277 comments

OAKLAND – “What a lot of people are saying is that a zebra looks like a bunch of Oreos turned sideways, and that’s problematic” said Joanna Gambolputty, associate professor of African American Studies of African Americans at The African American University of California. “Furthermore, the word ‘zebra’ is ultimately from the Latin word for ‘wild horse’. Once again we see that what is European is automatically normal and good while what is African is exotic and dangerous. It’s no coincidence that old-fashioned prisoner uniforms had a pattern of black and white stripes. In the words of the great philosopher Matt Damon, this is intrinsically paternalistic” added Gambolputty.

Other prominent black academics weighed in on the controversy of whether zebras are black. Former Princeton professor Cornell West stated that “we must unconditionally love all our four-legged friends, even if they are in fact horses of one or more different colors. To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream of a nation where equines are judged not by the hue of their hides, but their win-loss record at the track.”

Elsewhere, zoos have added plaques to zebra exhibits to inform visitors that the stripe pattern is natural and not a racist conspiracy as suggested by Louis Farrakhan. According to Farrakhan, “our greatest scientist Yakub first bred the zebra to be the strongest and blackest horse ever, but the evil white man blasted the herd with a whiteness ray gun. Fortunately, the blackness of the zebras was so strong that they only turned half white. White people became so angry that they stopped riding his zebras and started riding horses instead, and they’ve been doing that ever since. Meanwhile our glorious African zebras are wild and free. Allah be praised.”

The controversy has caused the Black Lives Matter Movement to split into the Zebras Are Black Enough and Darker Than a Paper Bag Lives Matter factions, as well as the much smaller Why Are We Talking About Zebras faction. At the same time, the KKK has announced it will merge with the remainder of the unaligned Black Lives Matter movement to form Team Zebra. According to Alabama KKK Majestic Cyclops Cletus Spuckler “what we’ve realized is that deep down, we just want attention and the best way to get that is to show whites and blacks working together and getting along. It really blows people’s minds.”

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

277 Comments

  1. Drake

    I remember watching the Jefferson’s as a kid. George would openly call the neighbors’ interracial kid a zebra.

    • Animal

      Our two younger daughters once brought a friend over and introduced him as “Panda.” He was decidedly mixed-race, so we asked about the nickname. “What’s black, white, and Chinese?” he asked. “A panda,” I guessed. “My Dad is Chinese, and my mom is half black and half white.”

      He showed remarkably good humor about the whole thing. I ended up telling him the story behind my long-standing nickname, and he thought that was pretty funny, too.

      • Drake

        My son had a friend in high school. Half Asian, half black. Known as Blasian to everyone. Nice kid.

      • Chafed

        +1 Reno 911

    • MikeS

      Shut up you honkey!

      • MikeS

        Also, that zebra was kinda hot. I remember diggin’ her as a wee lad.

      • MikeS

        Should we be talking about this?

      • rhywun

        No.

      • Fourscore

        Not in mixed company. My mother thought a mixed marriage was one between a man and a woman

      • MikeS

        Add that episode to the long, long list of great comedy that couldn’t get made in current year.

      • rhywun

        Yup. Zowie.

      • MikeS

        Mmmm. Yes, prease.

      • MikeS

        After that link, I’m not quite mad about you, but close enough.

      • MikeS

        Are you trying to tell me something, Ted?

  2. Winston

    Where’s the satire?

    • Ozymandias

      Oh, that’s good, too, Winston.
      More of that, please. Less of… that other stuff.

      • Swiss Servator

        I am so drunk on Scotch I wanted to say, “no, fuck that guy.” but NAP…so, whatever.

        *pours one out for Afghan colleagues*

    • Ted S.

      RIght next to Brochettaward’s first.

  3. Ozymandias

    Derpy, I’m proud for you.
    I howled. You killed it. 1st paragraph is gold, Jerry! Gold!!
    Someone get this man an applause gif, for Justice’s sake!

      • Ozymandias

        No. That’s not quite being rickrolled, but…

      • Fourscore

        Not to be confused with another gift with a similar name but far more serious consequences

    • rhywun

      Agreed – home run.

      I LOL’ed at the title before even reading it.

      • Ozymandias

        If you’re applause lasts ten hours, call your doctor…

      • blackjack

        Because you might have just gotten the clap?

    • Mojeaux

      ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  4. LCDR_Fish

    reposting because I didn’t notice how late I was last thread …

    FWIW…based on discussions this afternoon (and because I was thinking about it after some previous discussions the last few weeks) – created a thread in the forum about church recommendations – for anyone interested.

  5. juris imprudent

    we just want attention

    AOC hit hardest. — NY Times headline

  6. DEG

    In the words of the great philosopher Matt Damon, this is intrinsically paternalistic

    I remember that video.

    To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream of a nation where equines are judged not by the hue of their hides, but their win-loss record at the track.”

    Beautiful.

    Excellent work.

  7. Winston

    https://babylonbee.com/news/new-zealand-to-sink-entire-country-into-the-sea-to-stop-single-case-of-covid

    WELLINGTON, NZ—After discovering a single case of COVID on the island of New Zealand, the country’s Prime Minister and Chief Muppet Jacinda Ardern has decided she will take no chances—electing to just sink the entire island into the sea to stop the spread.

    How can we have satire in a world where the Freedom Index still lists New Zealand as the freest country in the world with Hong Kong, Australia and Canada close behind?

    • juris imprudent

      It’s a mad world dude.

    • blackjack

      There’s one confirmed case, but they claim it’s domestically transmitted. Maybe wait until you find the other one first?

    • Swiss Servator

      Fuck you and your army of strawmen….yeah, I am drunk, what of it?

  8. Gadfly

    I legit LOL’d at this one. Kudos.

  9. Animal

    This is priceless. The only problem is that I can’t figure out if it’s satire or not. That line is getting blurrier day by day.

    Good stuff, Derp. Keep it up.

  10. MikeS

    According to Alabama KKK Majestic Cyclops Cletus Spuckler “what we’ve realized is that deep down, we just want attention and the best way to get that is to show whites and blacks working together and getting along. It really blows people’s minds.”

    Great closer. I ALOL’d.

    I also fear it may become true if we keep heading down this road.

  11. blackjack

    Darker Than a Paper Bag Lives Matter factions

    That’s gonna leave a medium brown mark, right there!

  12. Scruffy Nerfherder

    *applause*

    The Yakub references were particularly inspired.

    • Ozymandias

      Straight-up insane. shit. I had to look that up and…wow. Just…wtf??

      • MikeS

        Don’t believe the white-devil’s internet. It’s all part of their tricknology!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I believe it was our very own Sugarfree that introduced me to that nugget of insanity years ago.

      • blackjack

        HOLEE FUCk! Those guys are batshit insane. I guess it makes sense with everything else I’ve seen from them, but man. They recount this with a straight face? And people still join?

    • juris imprudent

      How did L. Ron Hubbard miss out on this, or, did he?

      • blackjack

        He rejected it as too unbelievable, Imma guess.

  13. blackjack

    Fucking feds just stretched out our mask mandate at work and the equally repulsive city council is voting to forcibly inject me with secret sauce, as we speak. They’re talking about giving me two weeks. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, just yet.

    • MikeS

      city council is voting to forcibly inject me with secret sauce, as we speak

      How do they propose to do it? Can’t pay your water bill until you prove you vax status?

      • Ted S.

        I believe blackjack works for the City of Los Angeles.

      • blackjack

        Yeah, they only pick on those they punish.

      • blackjack

        *those they CAN punish.

      • MikeS

        Ah, yes. For some reason I was thinking you were self-employed.

      • blackjack

        I was for most of my life, when I got my kid, I decided to be stable instead.

      • Q Continuum

        You started taking lithium?

      • blackjack

        I’ve know people who take lithium, none of them are what I’d call “stable.”

      • blackjack

        I literally just heard that song as musak at the Rite-aid on my way home just now. I didn’t realize that was the title.

      • MikeS
      • Mojeaux

        Yes, indeedie. ^5

  14. Q Continuum

    Derpy, I say this only half jokingly: you should seriously start submitting this shit to the Bee to try and get a job. You are just as good if not better than they are (and that’s saying a lot).

    • Fourscore

      He could start every morning out with a NYT headline and work from there

    • blackjack

      He is pretty good at it.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      IQ differentials probably explain most or all of his dating difficulties. “And I don’t eat meat, cuz I’m a veterinarian…”

      • Derpetologist

        This joke works on 2 levels – malapropism and non sequitur

        Someday I will post my theory of humor article.

        gist: the 2 most common kinds of joke are repetition and list-making

      • MikeS

        Holy balls. That’s a blast from the past.

      • rhywun

        I want to be a farmer now. ?

      • Hyperion

        I’ve wanted to be a farmer for years now. My city slicker wife don’t like it. OK, I’ll water the plants and feed the chickens every morning at 6am, whatever, at least we won’t starve as our betters have planned.

  15. Shpip

    Joanna Gambolputty, associate professor of African American Studies of African Americans at The African American University of California.

    Reminds me of Dr. Warren Fingeroot (forward to 3:05 if you don’t want to watch the whole thing).

    • straffinrun

      Derp distilled the madness in a potent essence with that. *Blows kiss* perfecto.

  16. juris imprudent

    Bwahahahaha – Derpy is barely ahead of the curve!

    Hanson said it is important to acknowledge the Sierra Club’s history with racism, with early board members serving alongside Muir like white supremacist Joseph LeConte and eugenicist David Starr Jordan. But he said casting Muir incorrectly is not only wrong but counterproductive for the environmental movement that is trying to deepen ties between conservation groups that have historically white memberships and environmental justice groups that represent communities of color.

    Muir was a religious zealot, and they sure managed to paper over that for all the Gaia-worshipping tree huggers.

    • rhywun

      OFFS.

      Stop Gaia, I want off.

      • Hyperion

        I wanted off a long long time ago.

        Let Me Off Here!

      • rhywun

        ? Love that song

  17. Hyperion

    Apparently one Sapporo is just not enough to instill some posting power after a 8:15am – 10pm work day.

    I’m pretty sure 61 year olds are not supposed to be doing this, but apparently my clients don’t have any senior hours available. Bigots.

    Best pop another Sapporo.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Sorry to read about your brother.

      • Hyperion

        Thanks, man.

      • DEG

        Sorry about your brother.

      • Hyperion

        Thanks, DEG.

      • Mojeaux

        I must have missed whatever happened to your brother, but I am sorry for you.

      • Hyperion

        Thanks. He be dead.

        Not too unexpected. His health was a total wreck for years now. He was only 71. I keep thinking people are not supposed to die at 71, but they seem to be dropping like flies lately.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Man? /looks down own shirt

        ? To brothers, even distant ones.

      • Hyperion

        Man, I dunno, that name is reeking of toxic masculinity. You may need to set me straight on that.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Young Ones reference (@ 32:51). Also a rough area (Ringo’s childhood neighborhood) of Liverpool and a then-recent site of rioting. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jGKVQNtkdzw

      • Hyperion

        I can’t make the connection. The only thing I know about Liverpool is that you can find Tape Monkeys there on the streets. Or so I have been told.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Cuz I goofed.

        Wish I’d visited Liverpool. Don’t think Lennon’s house had been (ate and) donated to the National Trust back then.

      • Hyperion

        “Aw heck. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZPZC12t7Yg

        Heh, I’m not sure if there’s an episode of Young Ones I have not seen.

        So, you Liverpoolens reallly watch Bastard Squad?

      • Hyperion

        lol

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Sapporo if that’s what you got, cheers!

      • Hyperion

        I love the stuff. I have Heineken also…

      • C. Anacreon

        Heineken?
        PABST BLUE RIBBON!

    • straffinrun

      You are correct. Of the 4 main beers here, Sapporo is the best.

      • MikeS

        High praise.

  18. Toxteth O'Grady

    Trump seems to have run out of hairspray (on Hannity).

    • Hyperion

      I know the guy is 75 years old. But c’mon man! Why can a billionaire not do something with that? Is it because the Hair must continue to exist? I’m fine with just Hats, NEEDS MOAR HATS!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ??‍♀️ Palm Beach humidity?

        We all know it’s white and sparse, dude. No shame in that.

      • Hyperion

        Humidity just makes my hair more wavy if I don’t keep it pretty short. I can’t really tell any other effect.

  19. Aloysious

    Is Cletus Spuckler going to hook up with the lovely and gracious Joanna Gambolputty?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

    • one true athena

      The Forbidden Zebra

  20. Yusef drives a Kia

    I just sat down and my back went crackle, crackle Pop! Now I’m stuck here for a while,

  21. Ownbestenemy

    Swissy and Ozy and anyone else

    When I copied the dont give a shit and said so says we all it was dismissive of the actual pain of the people that were there and are still there. Didnt mean to be so glib about it towards that.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      OBE, it’s a stressful time for all of us, you have the best of intentions Bro, I’m sure the Guys understand,

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        oops

    • Swiss Servator

      … I am still in pain. But I am a piece of first world problems shit compared to my guys…

      • Ownbestenemy

        Like we discussed at some point my orders and war was much different. I liken to the episode of MASH when the bomber pilot comes strolling in asking how to get to Tokyo to his wife and not miss dinner.

        Friends adjacent were lost and I have a very close friend that we have a monthly standing drink and moment for his supply team members lost to IEDs. I could absolutely never know what that is like except to just be there for him.

      • Ozymandias

        All good, OBE. No one here owes me any special treatment. It’s weird to watch, but the last time I was there was 15 years ago…
        And yet it remains such a huge part of my experience on this planet.
        I thought about your friend’s comment and I think a lot of it depends upon what what “your” war was – and I mean the generic “you”, not you-you.
        War is an incredibly personal and intimate experience, unique to each who goes through it.
        I spent more of my war with Afghans than with US troops, so for me they’re not “other” – hell, I was thinking about it and I’ve lived in Afghanistan longer than I lived in NYC, for example.
        (~15 months v. 10 months). I feel about Afghans about how I do about New Yorkers… and don’t ask me to expound upon that.
        But no need for apologies. Good faith is presumed here.

  22. Hyperion

    It is 4 U

    Yes, it is for you, you pussy, so keep your ass at home. The same reason your pussy ass comrades stayed at home when many of your brothers left for the new world.

  23. Fourscore

    For Swissy, OZY and all the others that spent time in the Middle East, I understand where you’re coming from. You did your job, you did your best and to see all that effort seemingly thrown away is heartbreaking. The unknown loss of your comrades, be they fellow Americans or Afghani or Iraqi, they are/were fellow soldiers. Those wounds will never completely heal .

    I occasionally look at photos of my VN counterparts, as close as brothers and will never know their fate. Can only hope they escaped the madness…even after 50 years I can’t forget…

    • Gustave Lytton

      They still live in your heart, 4X.

    • straffinrun

      I’d imagine people like Swiss knew long ago how this would end. That makes them fighting against barbaric warlords all the more impressive. I’m an ancap and wouldn’t go, but if the US is going to go on these doomed ventures, having some soldiers that refuse to commit atrocities and genuinely are trying to protect the weak is a silver lining.

      That being said, the lesson isn’t “Pull out better” but the old tried and true, “Don’t stick it in crazy.”

      • MikeS

        Oh, I think there’s room for both of those lessons (and many, many more) to be learned here.

      • straffinrun

        Honestly, I don’t see any way the US could’ve exited without a shit show occurring given the political atmosphere, party constraints and the rejection of American aims by the average Afghan. You can’t impose a desire for what we call freedom on people that simply don’t see it as a priority. It’s amazing that anybody has a desire for it anywhere. Shit, our own people don’t even put it very high on the list anymore.

      • MikeS

        I don’t disagree with any of that. But “pull out better” is still a lesson to learn here. Just two:

        1. Get all the Americans (and coalition partners) and our Afghani interpreters, scouts, etc. (read: collaborators) out before completely walking away.

        2. Give the Afghani security forces some fucking air support.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Leaving that air base was such a huge blunder and was the first indication of the rest of the story

      • MikeS

        Yeah. I’m no expert on military strategery, but that seemed to me (and many others from what I’ve read) like a huge fuck up.

      • straffinrun

        Once you start the preliminary steps to pull out, word gets out and the whole thing unravels. I don’t see any way to get around that. Sure, there are less terrible ways I suppose. But, if you end up with terrible choices, the lesson that needs to be learned is to be found in the steps that lead up to the terrible choice dilemma.

      • straffinrun

        And the main reason I’m pushing back on the “The pullout was botched” narrative is because I’ve seen neocons using it as get out of jail free card. “We could’ve won if Biden hadn’t done this.” That’s utter BS. You guys haven’t said that to be fair.

      • MikeS

        I don’t see any way to get around that.

        Force. Palin and simple, the one thing the Taliban had to respect was American force. When we started just driving away, they just followed in right behind us. It wasn’t like we were retreating and firing shots over our shoulders. The Taliban simply occupied wherever we had unoccupied.

        And keep in mind, we did this well before we even tried to get out the people we should have helped. As recently as the last few days, the Biden admin was still insisting that all Afghani nationals who wanted refugee status had to go through the fucking red tape. (while all but ignoring the southern US border) The recent numbers I saw were around 20,000 applied and 1200 approved. This is fucking disgraceful.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I’m still holding to the belief that some elements of the military and IC wanted this to go down just as badly as it did

      • MikeS

        That’s what I’m saying…this isn’t a binary choice.

        Yes, we shouldn’t have been there.

        Yes, we seriously fucked up the withdrawal.

      • straffinrun

        You wouldn’t have to worry about a fucked withdrawal if they hadn’t tried nation building in the first place. So, how isn’t “Don’t try it in the first place” not the main lesson? I’m assuming we’d agree on that and yet the entire right wing media is missing that point. I’m just asking for us as libertarians to put the main focus on where it belongs.

      • MikeS

        I’m still holding to the belief that some elements of the military and IC wanted this to go down just as badly as it did

        I wouldn’t be one bit surprised.

      • MikeS

        Because, Straff, those people are dying for no reason LITERALLY AS WE ARGUE ABOUT THIS. When this bloodbath shitshow has subsided, by all means, let’s start spreading around the blame. But at this moment in time, people who we made promises to are learning that we don’t keep those promises. Many of them with their lives. The entirety of the political pressure at this point should be focused on trying to change course and do what little we can to correct the wrongs of this withdrawal.

      • straffinrun

        Yes, people are dying. I don’t see any alternative to that being the case. Blame Biden for fucking it up. No problem with that. The assumptions are: it would’ve been better if we did [X] and that it was possible to do [X] regardless of the political reality in the US. Fine, you go speculate on that all you want. I’m taking this opportunity to point out you wouldn’t be here at all if you hadn’t done the thing before [X].

      • MikeS

        How far you want to take this? I say no Straff, why are you focusing on decisions made 20 years ago, when we should be focusing on decisions made 40 years ago when we were giving arms to the pre-ISIS while they fought against the USSR?

      • MikeS

        It’s two hours past my bedtime. You get the last word. But I think this bears repeating: The entirety of the political pressure at this point should be focused on trying to change course and do what little we can to correct the wrongs of this withdrawal.

      • straffinrun

        As far as I can. My goal is to not get stuck in another Vietnam, Iraq, Libya, Syria or Afghanistan. It wasn’t our lack of military strategy that ultimately made those wars failures, it was the slaying dragons overseas policy that did that.

      • straffinrun

        Last word? 20+ years married and I finally get that? ?. Have a good night, MikeS.

      • MikeS

        haha.! Excellent.

        (the other ones are paywalled)

      • Gustave Lytton

        Me too. Just the headlines alone crack me up.

      • MikeS

        Ah, yes. Just like some of the best Bee articles. The headline is all you really need. (and occasionally, that’s all they are)

    • Derpetologist

      Awesome. I got a Letter of Lateness once. Yes, that is actual disciplinary form in the Army.

      Next week sneak peak:

      Military Experts Stunned by Disastrous Land War in Asia

      ***
      “We thought it might work this time” said West Point LGBT Military Studies Professor Lieutenant Colonel Joanna Gambolputty. “No one could have predicted a land war in Asia could have ended badly, like some kind of classic blunder. My colleagues and I are truly shocked.” Gambolputty was asked about Vietnam, but replied while she enjoys the ice cream cake, she did not see the relevance of it to military matters.
      ***

      • Gustave Lytton

        Wow. I just got smoked for missing the start of formation. “Ain’t noone got time for typing a letter, now push Pvt Gustave. Make the ground move in China.”

      • Derpetologist

        I got my whole platoon smoked in basic for singing a cadence with the lyrics:

        ***
        ♫ They say that in the Army, the training’s mighty fine!
        ♫ SHARP and EO classes are not a waste of time!
        ***

        I was thereafter banned from leading formations. I also got fired from being squad leader after 1 day. The female soldiers were upset that I did not take the solemn duty of making sure battle rattle was dressed right dress dress seriously enough. The guys thought I was hilarious. On graduation day, one drill sergeant (female) said I was funny as shit and the other ( a female 5 ft nothing Puerto Rican) said in the days of yore, I’d have been beaten up. To that, I was tempted to respond that she would not have been in the Army in the days of yore, but sometimes it is best to let the Wookiee (or sometimes Ewok) win.

      • Gustave Lytton

        There was a no cadence rule outside the DFAC because either the 1SG or CSM’s office was nearby and he was tired of the noise. Well, towards the end of the cycle when we were self marching ourselves without a DS, our platoon guide, with the enthusiastic support of the entire platoon, had us singing cadences at full volume. We got smoked but we were moto and didn’t care. Ah, to be young and carefree again.

      • Derpetologist

        The best cadence I ever heard was to the tune of Pink Floyd’s We Don’t Need No Education:

        ***
        We don’t need no, basic training
        We don’t need no, NCOs…
        Round campaign hats, in the DFAC…
        Sergeant, leave them troops alone…
        Hey! Sergeant! Leave them troops alone!
        All in all, you’re just another shit NCO…
        ***

        That platoon got an epic smoking, though I remember seeing many drill sergeants excusing themselves to laugh in private.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Up in the morning, off to chow
        Gotta face the day somehow
        My DI he says, “Get up”
        I told my DI “Get —–”

        That worked exactly once.

  24. Hyperion

    Shapiro on Afghan US Withdrawal

    I’m unlike most people in that I don’t dislike the guy. He’s very sharp and very quick. Even while I dislike his neocon like stance.

    But, I have to ask. Is Ben using Botox?

    • Brochettaward

      But, I have to ask. Is Ben using Botox?

      This is Hyperion’s way of saying that he masturbated to Shapiro’s lips.

      • Hyperion

        This is Broketard’s way of saying ‘Hyperion firsts way more than me without even trying and then doesn’t even talk about it’.

    • PieInTheSky

      the freedom toons version is the best version of shapiro

  25. Chafed

    I believe Derpe actually quoted Louis Farrakhan.

  26. Gustave Lytton

    Even the milquetoast natives around here are getting restless.

    https://www.oregonlive.com/education/2021/08/gov-kate-brown-admonishes-school-leaders-who-plan-to-flout-state-mask-rules.html (paywalled but reader mode bypasses it)

    https://kval.com/news/local/were-not-walking-out-heated-coos-county-commissioners-meeting-ends-abruptly

    “The crowd today, actually, you know – I was scared for my safety when I left, and I don’t say that lightly,” Cribbins said. “The room just felt like a real mob mentality; it just felt physically unsafe to me.”

    GOOD. Now quit, you pussy. You should feel fear for crossing your bosses. You are the hired help.

  27. Derpetologist

    Tanzania’s govt post independence went into Yakub territory:

    skip to 10:37 mark

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V355OG77SQM

    I should add that many other parts of the film are extremely violent. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    • Hyperion

      Uhh, umm, did I just hear the words saying that ‘communist and liberal’ are new words in 1966? Wut?

      • Derpetologist

        In post-colonial Africa, they were new words to the locals.

  28. straffinrun

    Listening to Dave Smith now and it’s kind of creepy how he is making the exact same arguments regarding Afghanistan. Happy to be in tune with him, but it feels like I’m listening to myself.

    • straffinrun

      And, Swiss, this is amazing and heartbreaking:

      I am not going to stop caring about Waheed, my ‘terp and his family. Zabiullah and Jaweed, my Kabul guys. Kabir Ahmad, my Afghan lawyer friend. SGT Jalill, outside Bagram. Aziz, the guy who had me in for tea at noon during Ramadan, and I asked him – “Won’t this be trouble?” and he replied “Pffft. Mullahs.” while making a dismissive hand gesture. General Syed Kahli’s family (he got blowed up by a suicide bomber a while back). Engineer Zarar, who just wanted to build an 8,000 person stadium in Charikar so people could see sports and music and such?

      I can’t find out about any of them.

      I will give what I can to help get them out, one way or the other.

    • PieInTheSky

      straffinrun confirmed fascist

      • straffinrun

        Fascism of low expectations.

    • Ownbestenemy

      It’s always nice to hear another voice in the wilderness Straff. You arent wrong and others here arent wrong. Cant change the past and our only hope is that we dont go dicking around on grand adventures in the future to completely remove the conversations we are having today.

      That all said, what is happening today needs to be addressed the best we can. Dont care who gets the blame and I am positive this place lays it at the feet of most of our government and its operatives.

      So yes the lesson is dont stick it in crazy and then you wont have to beat her off with a bat when it all goes south.

      • straffinrun

        Whatever I say today has virtually no influence on how the Top Men implement plans in Afghanistan. I want to be part of a real anti war movement that rejects the BS. It’s always, “Yeah, those wars in the past were BS, but this time the reasons they gave us sound legit.” How many people today know that Americans were thrown in jail by their own government for simply opposing WWI? I can’t imagine a war that should’ve been opposed by Americans more than that one.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Agreed

    • KSuellington

      I can only imagine how I’d feel if I served over there. It’s weighing on me as well straff, and the double decade anniversary is coming up. It was a couple lifetimes ago that we went in there and even though we all could have imagined that it would come to no good, it came to worse than before in no time flat.

      • hayeksplosives

        I’m just a civilian but in the defense line of work, j have taken it upon myself to keep the reminders of what our guys and gals are doing, risking, sacrificing over there.

        As a manager I make sure my staff knows it too. I’m not in their face about it but I do provide clues and I do hire vets preferentially.

        About 10 years ago I started asking during hiring interviews if the candidate was comfortable using his/her talents and education to harm our enemies, whether that be their industry or their very lives.

        It helps narrow down the field of applicants.

        Whether you think we should be there or not, if you’re going to work in defense, you have to go all-in for our fighting men.

    • Ozymandias

      Straff – let me say this in some of our defense. I volunteered to go post 9/11 because to me, 9/11 felt like a legitimate causus belli. I thought what happened had to be answered.
      Okay, Ilyas Khel double-crossed us and bin Laden slipped away. I was all for punishing and leaving.
      But it became clear to me by 2006 we were being played -openly and obviously – by the Pakistanis and ISI – so I stopped going.
      I wanted us out and I saw instances of American lives lost because of political stupidity. It really was Vietnam redux.
      So, at some level, having some US presence there was a necessity for getting bin Laden. We should be able to execute a planned withdrawal.
      Pointing out that this was an epic fuckup is in no way detracting or even contradicting your point that we didn’t need fucking divisions and all of those fucking fobbits at Bagram and Qandahar.
      That the NeoCons are using this solely as an argument for forever war and/or to dunk on Biden also doesn’t make our point any less valid: we should be able to execute a fucking withdrawal, FFS.
      That’s just an absolute, professional military embarrassment. All I can say is, try to separate your desire to counter the Neocons from missing what we’re saying: this withdrawal is like being a stevedore and losing an entire ship’s cargo into the fucking drink while at the pier. That the ship shouldn’t have been there is really beside the point – which is one about the competency of those involved in executing one of the most basic tasks of a military – any military.

      • hayeksplosives

        Very well put.

      • straffinrun

        I think we understand each other’s point well enough. Thx.

  29. hayeksplosives

    Years ago, a Japanese company was scheduled to visit my then employer in Minnesota. Defense sector.

    The Japanese had a long list of demands/requests for their accommodations and preferences for their stay, their meals, their rental cars, etc. They had a product that they thought we couldn’t do without and were determined to make us sit up and beg (I felt).

    So I was a low level engineer just making sure the security checks and technical presentations were complete and in order, etc. But because I have two X chromosomes, the administrative assistants asked me to help with other things like ordering coffee, tea, snacks.

    And they asked me to estimate the number of guests and thus choose an appropriately sized conference room.

    I booked the “Iwo Jima” conference room.

    It still brings a smile to my face.

    • Gustave Lytton

      That reminds me that your old company used that naming scheme for rooms. Along with you interview question above, very good. Too often there’s a gloss and sheen to cover over the important aspects of a person’s work because it’s not the nice part. When I was younger (and dumber, but I’m still that), I used to think how I unfair washout/weedout hurdles were. Now, I think how unfair not having those are.

      ??

    • PieInTheSky

      I blame fossil fuels. Kabul is 100% green.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Smokey the Bear is CEO of Pacific Gas and Electric?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      ?

      Thanks for that

    • PieInTheSky

      Not much to do about it though.

    • rhywun

      Everyone fled the scene.

      And no one saw anything.

    • PieInTheSky

      All good Pinot Noir comes from Italy.

      • Gender Traitor

        But does Pinot Noir pair well with fajitas?

      • PieInTheSky

        never had one but sounds gross

    • PieInTheSky

      GMT is the one true time

      • UnCivilServant

        Why are you surrendering temporal authority to the limeys?

      • PieInTheSky

        they have the best roast beef

    • PieInTheSky

      Also good afternoon to you UCS

      • UnCivilServant

        How are things in your neck of the woods?

      • PieInTheSky

        Last day of excessive heat I hope. Also I am lazy at work but many I work with from Germany are on holiday. I am still not used to the concept of 4 consecutive weeks of holiday which many germans do.

      • UnCivilServant

        Four is just excessive.

        I get gratuitous amounts of vacation time, and that would use my entire annual accruals in one shot.

      • PieInTheSky

        Never took more than 2. I should try it sometimes maybe.

        Not this year though.

        Maybe if I win the lottery I can come for 3 weeks in the US

      • UnCivilServant

        There’s a lot to see here, and plenty of people who’d have recommendations on what’s worth spending the time on.

      • Tres Cool

        UCS will make you mac & cheese. I hear its good stuff.

      • rhywun

        I’ve never taken more than 1 week. Except that time I was stuck in China an extra day but traveling is more like work that vacay anyway.

        The 3 or 4 Eastern European colleagues I work closely with are entering their second round this year of two weeks off each. *sigh*

      • PieInTheSky

        only if it is Casu martzu cheese

      • UnCivilServant

        Not a chance in hell, Pie.

        All of my cheeses are free from insect larvae.

      • Sean

        @UCS, what’s your stance on Mimolette?

      • Sean

        Shame. I’m bug adverse, but Mimolette is good.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, U and Pie!

      Speaking of vacation, I’m once again in the position of needing to take another chunk of time off at least by mid-October to keep from maxing out at 240 hours. I’m thinking of taking next Tuesday through Friday off even though I don’t have any travel plans at the moment. I’d take Monday too, but we have at least two new hires starting that day, and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who knows how to set up new staff in the payroll system. I should train someone to back me up on that. (It would have to be my boss.)

      U, I just replied to your latest e.

      • Tres Cool

        Now just need tha A, E, and O

      • UnCivilServant

        I got your response (and answered), thank you.

        If you’re not going to the honey harvest that weekend, my planned road trip with my dad arrives in Dayton on the 18th of september. Though he may vote for the air museum over meeting random people he’s never interacted with.

      • Gender Traitor

        Honey Harvest is probably a bit far for us to venture this year, so I’m not counting on it. You and your dad would certainly be welcome at Chez GT/TT again (and the weather may be more temperate at Tranquility Base) or, if your dad is comfortable with the idea, we’d be happy to meet you for a meal some place convenient to wherever you’re staying.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ll raise the question with him, but don’t be surprised either way.

  30. Stillhunter

    I’m guessing this has been floated, but after seeing that Biden went on vacation, TMITE is suddenly turning against Biden and leaks of Harris openly discussing the 25th, I’m convinced the shitshow was planned. I’m not military, but I know the military has plans, for everything.

    The elites have shown they have no problem destroying millions (billions?) of lives to get what they want. You think a few more brown people dying is of any consequence to them?

    • Stillhunter

      I should clarify. I don’t think the military planned this. I meant they had a plan to leave and they were told to stand down.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Probably more the military was overridden because a wholesale evacuation along with destruction of munitions and equipment would have betrayed a profound lack of confidence in the Afghan government and armed forces, a lack of confidence that was completely warranted as it turns out. In other words, it was a simple but stupid political decision that blew up in their faces.

      • Stillhunter

        Why would they care about the optics?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Because they believed their own bullshit and thought they hadn’t built a castle made of sand. The State Department, the CIA, and the military have been blowing smoke up the politicians’ asset for twenty years on this one.

      • Stillhunter

        After all the bullshit we’ve been fed to cover up various stupidity you think they couldn’t have spun this?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Oh, absolutely it could be a plan but it can also be explained by good old incompetence and groupthink.

      • Stillhunter

        Unfortunately we’ll never know

      • Festus

        Biden welched the deal. They lost all respect for his word. relegating the pull-out to 9/11 aside from being such a cynical propaganda ploy insulted every Afghan that has seen their territory bombed to shit for the last 40+ years. No wonder the Army didn’t fight. “The last Chieftain offered two goats and you bring me this dancing boy?”

  31. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam

    whats goody

    • l0b0t

      I’ll tell ya what’s good. This letter I just got from NYS DMV. My driving license has been suspended since about 2015 for being unable to afford to pay a ticket (if the red-light camera pops you it’s $50; if a grumpy cop pops you it’s $375). Apparently the law has been changed and non-payment will no longer result in DL suspensions – my NY driving privileges have now been fully reinstated. HUZZAH for no longer fearing arrest after any traffic stop!

      • Ghostpatzer

        Hoorah!

      • Gender Traitor

        That’s wonderful news! I imagine that driving is less of a hassle – and thus the inability to do so more of an inconvenience – in your area than in the heart of the city. (Do you actually have places to park?)

      • l0b0t

        The outer boroughs are significantly easier for car owners than Manhattan. For us, during the Summer street parking is hard to come by due to the beach, but Fall/Winter/Spring sees the streets largely empty. Also, we have a driveway and all of the streets inside of our development are private, requiring a resident’s pass to avoid some very aggressive roam towing.

      • Festus

        Cool! Just got a second rebate check from my Government insurer yesterday because of Covid nonsense and buying votes. I’ll not complain. $73 buys a weekend’s worth of beer. Well, part of a weekend…

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Are you sure they don’t just let you keep your license but issue a bench warrant for arrest upon interaction later? How will they get people to pay tickets otherwise?

      • PieInTheSky

        wait you were driving with a suspended license? how very unlibertarian of you

      • rhywun

        Right? And he Zoomed himself doing it multiple times.

        *faints*

      • Festus

        He also worked un-masked. “I saw Peter behind the school and he was smoking!”

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        A Brady Bunch reference? left field!

        Growing Up Brady by Barry Williams is a fun read.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ?

        “Hot damn! No more sittin’ in the dirt at the drive-in!”

    • Gender Traitor

      Yo, homey! Check out the latest re: our planned Miami Valley Glib-together Saturday in the Forum. If as early as 4:00 or 5:00, couldja make it?

      • Tres Cool

        We have a forum ?

        Since I generally get-up around 2100, 4-5p is the beginning of peak slumber time. But Ill see what I can do.

        Sext me the details ?

      • Festus

        Oh you!

  32. Tres Cool

    IMO, one of the few times it’s worth it to watch the video.

    • Festus

      I bitched yesterday morning about violence porn but I would have watched the cop getting brushed aside by the ATV fellow. Just think of me as an inconsistent narrator.

      • Festus

        If the images were available…

      • Festus

        But you can still find more celebrity butthole images than you could shake a stick at. Feature that.

      • waffles

        As an American raised in the 90s I prefer graphic violence to sex.

      • Ghostpatzer

        Why not both?

    • rhywun

      Dog-bites-man story in that neighborhood.

      This one was a little more noteworthy.

      • Ghostpatzer

        Yikes!

        “The 37-year-old man was smashing car windows near 19th Street and Seventh Avenue when officers in a 10th Precinct patrol car spotted him, according to the sources.”

        I walked up Seventh Avenue every day on my way home from the office in the before times. Glad I am working remotely these days.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Rather terrifying to this Mannahattaphile.

    • PieInTheSky

      Brownsville … dangerous … this sounds racist

    • Fourscore

      Oh Crap!

  33. Festus

    Anyone have a handy link to Ozy’s interview? Google buried it in the algorithm. Everything that pops up on the first few pages is old stuff and banned notice stories.

    • Sean

      Look up thread. I reposted this morning.

      • Festus

        Thank you my Double-barreled Friend!

      • Festus

        Sometimes I get home late and miss some of the commentary.

  34. UnCivilServant

    Looks like we’re about to have a reply-all storm at work.

    Someone accidentally sent a message to an all agency mailing list, appologised, and now we’re getting the responses to the appology.

    I wonder when the ‘stop replying-all’ messages will start rolling in.

      • db

        Love it

    • rhywun

      I always giggle at those. Some people… ?

    • PieInTheSky

      I wonder when the ‘stop replying-all’ – then followed by Stop saying stop replying

      • waffles

        It requires a healthy chunk of narcissism to think that your reply is going to fix the issue and not just prolong it.

      • db

        See also, giving internet trolls a good talking-to.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Someone is wrong on the internet!

  35. waffles

    There’s a sizeable portion of the population that sees no problem whatsoever with what’s happening in Australia and New Zealand. “It’s a global pandemic, mate” rings hollow when your government is building internment camps.

  36. Trigger Hippie

    I love the Screen Rant Pitch Meeting. Here’s Ryan George ripping apart M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest crap fest:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fyXMyxkJQV4

  37. l0b0t

    Binge watching Perry Mason; the quality of guest stars is impressive – Clint Eastwood, James Coburn, Joan Collins, Max Showalter, etc.. Great stuff. Also, I appreciate the misogyny. SO many episodes are about industrial espionage, racketeering, blackmail, what have you, but the killer often turns out to be a jilted woman, enraged because the victim wouldn’t marry her.

    • UnCivilServant

      If you’re talking about the 1950s series, I agree, though it did have the predictable decline as the seasons wore on.

      I have to figure out where I left off with my watching.

      • l0b0t

        Yeah… I’m in season 5 where they introduce new regular David, a college student who wants to learn the law by helping out at Mason’s office.

    • Gender Traitor

      We’ve taken to watching The Untouchables over our Sunday brunch waffles & (turkey) sausage. Lots of familiar guest stars in most episodes.