Joemala: Episode 37

by | Aug 11, 2021 | Joemala | 287 comments

 

“They made me leave, Mama,” Andy said, sniffling, ”Those mean bitches stole my office.”

“There, there,” Nancy said, smoothing his greasy hair out of his red and swollen eyes.

“They just don’t understand that I’m Italian and emotional,” he sobbed, kneading her rot-black breasts with his sweaty hands. “This is just how I interact with people. All people!”

She shifted under his weight and a little piss dribbled out to stain her office chair.

“Even Joe told me to resign!’ Andy wailed.

“Fuck Joe,” Nancy said. “We should have never leth him be President.”

“Fuck Joe?” Andy asked, his tiny reptile mind struggling.

“He hasn’t come to meesh in years,” Nancy said angrily. “Years!”

“Why not, Mama?”

She looked out the thick Lexan of her office window and sighed. “He says I’m jush too old for him.”

Andy stood and looked down at her sitting in her office chair, legs splayed, her shar-pei body oozing through the armrests, thick grey thatch of pubic hair gone to obscene seed.

“How could anyone not want you?” Andy asked. “Just look at me!” he said wiggling to slap his limp penis side-to-side across his thighs. “I couldn’t get more hard than I am with you.”

“He saysh he likes them younger,” Nancy said morosely.

“Younger? Nonsense!” Andy said. “I’d shit on your chest any day!”

“You are sush a kind man, Andy,” Nancy said, struggling to force herself to blush, old blood pushing itself into her neck and face.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

287 Comments

  1. Yusef drives a Kia

    God help me, My Eyes are burning!

    • AlexinCT

      I have got Drain Bamage!

  2. Animal

    Note to self: Never eat just before reading a SugarFree post.

    • slumbrew

      Note to self, never eat _while_ reading a SugarFree post.

      Anyone want half a sandwich? I’ve lost my appetite.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Compartmentalization is the key.

      • juris imprudent

        Is that sorta like cow stomachs – where one can digest while the other is projectile vomiting?

  3. Ownbestenemy

    Andy stood and looked down at her sitting in her office chair, legs splayed, her shar-pei body oozing through the armrests, thick grey thatch of pubic hair gone to obscene seed.

    Lunch is served.

    • Nephilium

      Why is the scene from Kingpin coming to mind…

      • Bobarian LMD

        Is that in high rotation in your spank bank?

      • Nephilium

        /cues up the projectile vomiting scene

      • slumbrew

        “You musta jarred something loose in me, tiger!”

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Another day in Paradise.

    • Bobarian LMD

      It’s spelled Parasite.

      • db

        South Bronx Paradise Diet, Baby!

    • db

      Oh, think twice
      A single click–SugarFree’s Paradise
      Roll the dice
      It’s another day for you,
      SugarFree and you in Paradise.

  5. Scruffy Nerfherder

    I… uh…. um….

  6. Sean

    *runs back to AM links*

  7. DEG

    Hmm.

    Time for lunch.

  8. kbolino

    Barfman, where art thou in this, our hour of greatest need?

    • Swiss Servator

      Are you kidding? We are ALL Barfman right now.

  9. Ozymandias

    *Walks in whistling, looks around*

    Hey, what’s u-
    *Reads*
    GAHHH!

    *Runs from room, arms flailing*

  10. db

    “Nancy said, struggling to force herself to blush, old blood pushing itself into her neck and face.”

    oh yes

  11. Tundra

    Oh my.

    “Fuck Joe?” Andy asked, his tiny reptile mind struggling.

    So good. Thanks for the laughs as usual, SF!

  12. db

    I just saw the weirdest thing. There’s a thunderstorm going on right over my house, and as I often do, I have lightningmaps.org pulled up. It’s supposed to show lightning in as close to real time as possible, usually there’s a 2 second delay or so. I just saw the web site show a strike first, and then the sky lit up outside. There were no other strikes in proximity to that at the time.

    • Gustave Lytton

      *puts on insulated tin foil hat*

    • Ownbestenemy

      Maybe the nearby station picked up this

      A cloud to ground lightning strike begins as an invisible channel of electrically charged air moving from the cloud toward the ground. When one channel nears an object on the ground, a powerful surge of electricity from the ground moves upward to the clouds and produces the visible lightning strike.

      • db

        I was thinking something like that, or that there was a cloud-to-cloud discharge that happened nearly simultaneously and was picked up.

    • SandMan

      Just a glitch in the matrix. don’t be alarmed.

  13. mikey

    Nothing I can say.

    ‘cept maybe “Keep ’em coming.”

  14. Gustave Lytton

    Joemala went from Hammer Horror to slasher movie to Saw like depravity. This is not a badge of honor.

  15. WTF

    Oh…dear….GOD!!

    Nice work, SF.

  16. db

    Why would anyone let their child near Joe Biden, especially these days?

    • EvilSheldon

      People can rationalize anything if enough money, power, and social status is in play.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      Why would anyone let their kid go anywhere near Hollywood?

      • WTF

        Money, money, money, money!

    • Gadfly

      Some people love power more than they love their children.

    • WTF

      Cold snaps and droughts are due to global war…er, climate change!

      Don’t you even science, bro?

      • kbolino

        climate change

        There is a certain sophistic rhetorical genius to giving the same name to both cause and effect.

      • WTF

        Not only that, but whoever disagrees with your position is now a climate denier.

        Only an anti-science lunatic would deny that climate is a thing!

      • Fatty Bolger

        Similar to how somebody who vaccinated their kids, gets flu shots, but has reservations about the emergency COVID vaccines is an anti-vaxxer.

      • Sean
      • Fatty Bolger

        lmao that’s perfect.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        It’s sophistry the whole way down.

        See: Power + Privilage = Racism

      • Sean

        ??

  17. ron73440

    Horrifying…CHECK

    Disturbing…CHECK

    Plausible…CHECK

    Holy crap, that was so disturbing.

    I like it.

  18. LCDR_Fish

    2 threads behind Hayeksplosives – but Tucson is just up the road from Ft Huachuca, so probably some more developmental opportunities in the area as well.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Fort Huck-a-chucka, the unhappiest place on earth, save for Fort Drum or Fort Benning.

      • juris imprudent

        Ft. Bliss – perfectly ironic name.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Fort Leonard Wood would like a word.

        Fort Polk says “Sit down, you REMF ass tyros!”

      • UnCivilServant

        Look, Forts were placed in strategic locations, not places that are pleasant vacation spots.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Look, Forts were placed in strategic locations places no one wanted to actually live, not places that are pleasant vacation spots.

      • UnCivilServant

        What do you have against Fort Drum, other than it being in New York?

      • Bobarian LMD

        While being in NY is enough, it is the frozen armpit of NY.

  19. waffles

    So they quarantined reddit.com/nonewnormal which was some mild-mannered opposition to the vaccine mandates and such. They really can’t stand anyone counteracting the narrative can they? Gross.

    Also Nancy, disgusting. Thanks SF.

    • Akira

      They really can’t stand anyone counteracting the narrative can they?

      I’m not sure if they realize that when you try to exterminate opinions, it only drives them into underground enclaves where they become even more radical. I’m seriously worried that some unhinged moron is going to shoot up a vaccine drive or something and poison the whole cause of opposing mandatory vaccines.

      • UnCivilServant

        There are already people sabotaging vaccination sites in greece.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        It is just the way the Greek people demonstrate affection!

        Wait… are we not doing that this time?

      • rhywun

        Fuck.

        We really are doomed as a species, aren’t we.

      • Ted S.

        And Poland.

      • EvilSheldon

        I’d be surprised if someone hadn’t already floated that idea. Talk about a win/win…

      • Ownbestenemy

        FBI is currently in the process of finding their one outsider to be a part of the sting operations as we speak.

      • DEG

        And that someone might be a Fed.

      • CPRM

        “If you’re the only one in a room full of Right Wing extremists talking about murdering people, you might be a FED.”

        “If you get paid to talk people into doing stupid shit they’d never do otherwise, you might be a FED”

        “If you’re more concerned about Trump talking over America with an army drunk dads than you are about Biden’s son using money he got paid to peddle his father’s influence by foreign countries to liquor up and sex up an underage family member……you might be a FED!’

        I should be Jeff Foxworthy’s new manager.

      • wdalasio

        I’m not sure if they realize that when you try to exterminate opinions, it only drives them into underground enclaves where they become even more radical.

        I honestly don’t think they care. At this point I think they’d almost welcome the shooter. To justify a crackdown.

      • Akira

        At this point I think they’d almost welcome the shooter. To justify a crackdown.

        Oh heck yea they would. They’d get a whole fucking Christmas list out of that:
        – Reclassify the “vaccine hesistant” as domestic terrorists and turn the national security apparatus on them
        – Ban some more types of firearms
        – Require a vaccination card to buy whatever types of guns they haven’t banned yet

      • waffles

        Maybe they do realize that, maybe they don’t. But the absolute righteousness behind this censorship is something to behold. Disinformation is newspeak hell for whatever contradicts our official position of the day.

    • Nephilium

      You can’t just let people spout out realfact when it goes against the rightthink. It’s like shouting fire in a crowded theater!

  20. OBJ FRANKELSON

    Needs more lizard people: 4.5/5 stars.

    I don’t know if ‘enjoyed’ is an adequate superlative.

    Is there a word for reading on out of morbid curiosity?

    Nonetheless, it was good. *tips hat and then barfs in it*

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Why would anyone let their child near Joe Biden, especially these days?

    As an offering.

  22. rhywun

    OMG I’m trying to eat here.

    Tuna salad sandwich ?

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      The tuna salad is too moist. Pemican beef jerky would be more aprapos.

      • db

        *HURK*

      • SugarFree

        Yup. You have to chew on it a while to get it pliable.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Now I can’t get the image of Randy Savage going to town on Pelosi out of my head.

        Thanks a whole fucking lot.

      • Bobarian LMD

        “Ooh, yeah!”

      • SugarFree

        “BEEF AND SPICE!”

      • CPRM

        The British call that Bovril.

      • Bobarian LMD

        In a chunky sauce.

    • slumbrew

      The SugarFree Weight Loss Plan

    • Translucent Chum

      I’d say it’d be safe to strike tuna from Wednesday lunches.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    So- if youtube is going to muzzle Rand Paul because what he said is deemed to be “misinformation” shouldn’t they be obliged to offer up some sort of substantiation of that charge other than a mere barefaced appeal to authority?

    If masks really do make a meaningful difference, there should be plenty of hard evidence by now.

    Haha, just kidding.

    • db

      No, because 100% of people aren’t using them, or using them right, the data is all suspect. Trust us, if you all did what we say, it’d be fine. But for those evil noncompliers over there, they’re wrecking the whole thing. Blood on their hands!

      • Akira

        No, because 100% of people aren’t using them

        When people use this excuse with me, I always tell them, “If your plan doesn’t work without some unrealistic level of compliance, then it’s not a very good plan.”

      • juris imprudent

        “BUT I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU – DAMN YOU, DO WHAT I SAY” /the little fascist voice inside everyone with a plan

    • B.P.

      From the article you posted in the am links:

      “Paul falsely claimed in the removed video, “Most of the masks you get over the counter don’t work. They don’t prevent infection,” adding that “cloth masks don’t work.””

      “Falsely claimed”. “Without evidence.” Even my local news channels fling that shit around these days. I haven’t seen a single “falsely claimed” appended to the Russia collusion hoax, the innumerable lies routinely spewed by all of the people on the Right Side of History, etc. Media outlets have done incalculable damage to this country.

      • Fatty Bolger

        “Without evidence” my ass. There’s at least a dozen clinical trials to back that up. And none that prove the masks work (even the good ones).

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        There was an epidemiologist that specializes in viral transmission reduction measures who spoke out on this at the beginning. Her blunt statement was that masks don’t do anything and there’s a hundred years of evidence of such.

        Wish I could remember her name because they shut her up immediately.

    • Rebel Scum

      The masks say on the box they come in that they do not stop viral transmission. I suspect there is a legal reason for this…

      some sort of substantiation of that charge

      Lol. You jest, sir.

      • CPRM

        Don’t believe their lies, St Fauci says they work! Wearing an old T-shirt over your mouth is more effective than a Hazmat suit!

    • Akira

      shouldn’t they be obliged to offer up some sort of substantiation of that charge other than a mere barefaced appeal to authority?

      The same kinds of people who mock religious people* for “believing things without evidence” are also declaring that something MUST be true because the government said it was. When you ask them for actual proof, they just lambast you for “not believing in science”.

      * I’m nonreligious myself, and I’m so annoyed by those people that I don’t call myself atheist anymore.

      • kbolino

        Atheists have become so ridiculously obnoxious that they are making the strongest case I have ever seen for old-timey religion.

        The problem is that they have also been so paradoxically successful that there seem to be no more old-timey religions around, all of them having become degenerate or skinsuited.

      • UnCivilServant

        A new one will bubble out of the woodwork.

      • R C Dean

        Allahu Akhbar!

      • UnCivilServant

        *chambers round*

        Deus Vult!

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        there seem to be no more old-timey religions around

        *waves hands from that little inconspicuous church down the street*

        In reality, though, it has been damn hard to find a group of believers that aren’t one or more of:
        – median age above 75
        – increasingly woke
        – woefully superficial about their own beliefs
        – obsessed with the Christian top 40 chart
        – reacting to the liberalization of the American church by codifying 1950s aesthetic preferences as if they were written in scripture
        -completely unwilling to engage in community outside of the handful of sanctioned church events in the church building

      • waffles

        reacting to the liberalization of the American church by codifying 1950s aesthetic preferences as if they were written in scripture

        I’d be willing to compromise on this one if I get to be a fucking beatnik.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That has been our struggle. I don’t want 70 minutes of a Christian Rock band, 20 minutes of platitudes and superficial spirituality followed by another 70 minutes of the band playing.

        I also don’t want what I grew up in. I want somewhere that is going to help guide my growth in spirit.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        We went to the local Baptist church (without very high hopes, it was a last minute change of plans because we missed early service at another church), and it was 10 minutes of back patting about various programs that were going on, 20 minutes of unknown songs blasted at 110dB, 25 minutes of a superficial PowerPoint presentation citing more to sociology studies than scripture, and a 5 minute outtro song.

        How anybody can sit through that week after week, I don’t know. It’d be like a board game club spending every week going over the basic rules of Catan from a slightly different angle.

      • kbolino

        It’s not just the aesthetic preferences of the 1950s; the entire organization of society, culture, government, and the economy was revolutionary. That the mainstream right and left both view the 1950s as a conservative era is somewhat baffling. Nothing about the 1950s represents the carryover of previous traditions. Where you live, what constitutes a family, how you work, the nature of civic responsibility, the method of culture creation and transmission, what gets celebrated and what gets punished, who is considered right and how they obtain their authority; every single thing about the 1950s is at least somewhat alien from the perspective of the 1930s and utterly alien from the perspective of the 1910s and earlier.

        There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting hot rods, hot dogs, and hot babes, but when indulged to excess it’s still hedonic. Just because something happened in the past doesn’t mean it must be conserved.

      • Animal

        Atheists have become so ridiculously obnoxious

        Not all of us.

      • kbolino

        The problem with any generalization is there are always exceptions. If you are not he, then take no offense, for it was he I criticized and not you.

  24. Rebel Scum

    Gross…

    Beware the pediatric variant.

    Pediatric hospitals are filling with coronavirus patients as schools start opening amid the latest surge in infections, this one driven by the highly contagious delta variant. …

    The American Academy of Pediatrics sent a letter to acting FDA Commissioner Janet Woodcock last week, urging the agency to continue working aggressively toward authorizing vaccines for children under 12.

    “Simply stated, the delta variant has created a new and pressing risk to children and adolescents across this country, as it has also done for unvaccinated adults,” the letter says.

    Simply stated, no it has not created a new and pressing risk to children and adolescents across this country, as it has also done for unvaccinated adults.

    • Tundra

      It’s RSV.

      Dumbasses.

      • Rebel Scum

        Saw a video of a doc talking about that yesterday. A real doctor that sees patients and actually acknowledges the existing wealth of knowledge about coronaviruses that was mainstream in the medical community until the recent dark times.

      • Tundra

        Was it this one?

        He gives an excellent rebuttal to the fucking government shitheels.

      • db

        I’d like to get a copy of the flash drive he provided to the board, with the studies that he references…

      • Rebel Scum

        Yup.

      • CPRM

        Them kids is vaping, thats what the problem is.

      • rhywun

        Funny how that panic completely vanished.

      • juris imprudent

        Just waiting to be recycled when the current panic is exhausted.

      • l0b0t

        The market for THC cartridges is still trying to recover from that; they were very scarce and very expensive in NYC for quite a spell. They jumped from $30 up to $70 after the big panic and are only this year down to $45-$50.

    • Drake

      “Children’s hospitals in Tennessee will be full by the end of this week”

      Give me the winning lottery numbers while you have your crystal ball handy.

      • UnCivilServant

        Hopefully they match the ones on my ticket. I could use the boost to get moving.

    • R C Dean

      Pediatric hospitals are filling with coronavirus patients

      For starters, the number of children’s hospital beds is actually quite low. Tucson has two such operations, both embedded in bigger hospitals, and I would expect that the total bed count is around 40 (not including the NICUs).

      Not mentioned: how many children have actually been admitted to the hospital because they are sick with COVID.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    I’m seriously worried that some unhinged moron is going to shoot up a vaccine drive or something and poison the whole cause of opposing mandatory vaccines.

    That’s probably what they are hoping for.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      They got their first Reichstag fire, going for another would not be surprising.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      I dunno. They didn’t blink an eye killing hundreds of thousands by packing nursing homes with Covid and burying ivermectin as a treatment.

      If they thought they needed something like that to happen, I have no doubt it would be arranged. It’s becoming more clear that Jan 6th wasn’t exactly spontaneous.

      • Tundra

        I got mine from TS, by the way. Thanks for the recommendation.

      • waffles

        I’d be worried but my worry doesn’t change a damned thing.

  26. wdalasio

    shouldn’t they be obliged to offer up some sort of substantiation of that charge

    All of this has me thinking. A future Republican might be in a pretty interesting position. Social media has been pretty fast and loose with the “misinformation” charge. Including a lot of things that later get substantiated as true.

    I’m not advocating this. But, if a company is labeling things that are true as “misinformation”, it seems to me that the company itself has become guilty of misinformation. And note, this is strictly the liability of the company. It’s the company’s speech that amounts to misinformation.

    • Nephilium

      Just wait for them to claim to be entertainment companies instead of media companies.

      • db

        Clown Nose On

      • kbolino

        I searched on YouTube to find Jon Stewart’s appearance on CrossFire. It’s here if you really care to see it. But the comments, man. You can watch a narrative form, people being trained to accept the narrative, and then reinforcing their training upon each other. A psyop in one act, if you will.

        “This is more relevant in 2020 than it was in 2004” says one commenter. Yeah, perhaps, but not for the reasons you think.

      • grrizzly

        I watched it in 2004, despised Jon Stewart since then.

      • kbolino

        There are few who seem willing to accept that everyone on that screen is a villain.

      • grrizzly

        I always found Tucker Carlson good-looking. He has that going for him.

    • Rebel Scum

      “We regret to inform you that your account has been locked for violating our policy on misinformation by distributing misinformation about misinformation.”

      • juris imprudent

        Monty Python for the digital world.

    • R C Dean

      Interesting question: Would a social media company that said you were spreading misinformation be guilty of defamation?

      • Ownbestenemy

        In a sane, just world, that question would be asked in open court and determined. We do not live in any such world.

      • UnCivilServant

        In a sane, just world, the circumstance to ask the question would not have arisen.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        1) is labeling something as “misinformation” opinion? I’d argue against that, but I could see the court going either way.

        2) is the social media company publicly disseminating that information? I think this is where the defamation suit fails. Unless they broadcast that the person has been suspended for spreading misinformation (usually, it just says for “violating TOS”), I don’t think it’s gonna meet the dissemination element.

      • R C Dean

        is labeling something as “misinformation” opinion

        I think that’s the key question. Separating statements of “fact” from statements of “opinion” is, well, let’s just say its not obvious which is which.

        is the social media company publicly disseminating that information?

        I’d have to defer to the people who actually use social media. If they communicate to anyone other than you, its been disseminated for purposes of defamation law.

  27. Sensei

    And demonstrating Fedgov’s competence once again:

    NASA has a new challenge to reaching the moon by 2024: Its $1 billion spacesuit program

    NASA has been working on next-generation spacesuits, which act as mini spaceships that protect the astronauts from the vacuum of space, for 14 years, the IG said. In 2016, NASA decided to consolidate two spacesuit designs into a single program that it would oversee. By 2017, the agency had spent $200 million and since then has spent an additional $220 million, the IG found. While it took the program in-house, parts for the suits are still supplied by 27 contractors.

    Going forward, the space agency plans to spend $625.2 million more, the IG said. That would bring the total for design and testing to more than $1 billion through fiscal year 2025, “when the first two flight-ready spacesuits will be available,” the IG found. In addition to those two suits, the program would produce a demonstration suit that could be used at the space station, two “qualification” suits for testing of the life support system while being worn, and another suit “used to test the design and features of the spacesuit before astronauts wear it.”

    • UnCivilServant

      What new challenges have emerged that need a redesign? What’s preventing incremental improvements on the proven design? Why aren’t you paying me that money to design you a new one?

    • Ownbestenemy

      “NASA has been working on next-generation spacesuits, which act as mini spaceships that protect the astronauts from the vacuum of space…”

      *blinks* mini spaceships? Why writes this?

    • WTF

      Hasn’t NASA had space suits since the 1960s?

      • rhywun

        The cleaners lost them.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Those were Nazi space suits.

      • B.P.

        The frilled cravat and Beatle boots just don’t cut it for the modern space program.

    • Sean

      My shocked face: 😐

    • db

      interestingly, NPR is one of the outlets calling this out

      • waffles

        NPR on the drive in had a mini debunking of the delta is as contagious as chicken pox. So that’s something. I listen to NPR on my commute because I fancy myself an amateur kremlinologist.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I can’t do it. I start cursing and ranting at the radio within three minutes tops.

      • Zwak, jack off, all trades

        This.

      • db

        I can’t stand the smug tone of voice of every commentator on our local public radio stations. It’s like when the GF was in grad school and we would go to parties, and I was entirely surrounded by people who would just out of the blue say political and social things that belied great ignorance of the fact that it was possible that people existed that didn’t already agree with them. Nearly all of those gatherings was a painful exercise in tongue biting for me. Why would I listen, voluntarily, to a broadcast of the same bullshit?

      • waffles

        I’m single and being able to speak parseltongue can help me get laid.

      • juris imprudent

        But would you really wanna get laid by the typical woman listening to NPR? Wouldn’t that be like the feminist Catholic from yesterday?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The DNC has politicized all of the agencies. Why should the CDC be immune to this effect?

    • WTF

      I wonder if social media will flag their lies as misinformation.
      Actually, no don’t.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      RE: the Florida numbers. If a report is only for a single day rather than a 7 day average, it should be completely discounted. The media should know this, but they routinely ignore it and prefer to spread misinformation.

    • CPRM

      When my older brother and I got Chicken Pox in elementary school, we were the only 2 as far as I know, and my 2 sisters and my little brother didn’t get it either. So I don’t know that it is that contagious.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      I never caught the chicken pox, or if I did, it came and went so fast I didn’t notice. So yeah, maybe Covid is like the chicken pox.

    • Q Continuum

      “[the information] came from a graphic from The New York Times, which wasn’t completely accurate.”

      “Not completely accurate” = wrong. Say it was wrong.

  28. PutridMeat

    Some Wednesdays at 9AM God’s Time Zone, you wander in and read; Oh, that was entertaining. Good fun!

    This continues for a couple of weeks. You begin to relax.

    The, one week, Wednesday morning circles back, and you go on a pleasant walk through the glib neighborhood and… a fucking insane clown jumps out from behind the bushes and punches you repeatedly in the gut with his clowny clown gloves while kamal-ing maniacally and spitting into your open mouth.

    Shudder.

    • db

      “Okay, guy watching us from the bushes, you ‘make us into men.’ Should I get some lotion, or do you wanna use blood and clown paint for lube?”

    • Tundra

      *applause*

      I award you Comment of the Day, while noting that it was oddly specific.

      Well done!

    • SugarFree

      I have considered trigger warnings but I thought that would be infantilizing. And there is Glibs After Dark but people complain they miss out on stuff. (And GAD is really more Heroic Mulatto’s purview.)

      But, yeah, 9am would be pretty rough.

      • Gadfly

        The trigger warning for this one was the fact that the Glibertarians twitter account did not tweet about it, despite the fact it seems to tweet links to most articles posted here. I’m guessing they thought this would be too much for the Libertarian Party of Oregon, since it would have been 9am for them.

    • Bobarian LMD

      We all float down here.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      About right

    • Tundra

      Well executed.

  29. Bobarian LMD

    Point of order!

    Does anyone not believe Nancy dyes her pubes… or… god help me… keep them shaved?

    • slumbrew

      *huuurk*

    • Tres Cool

      Shaved ? They likely just fell out.

    • SugarFree

      Transplanted walrus whiskers.

      • db

        I was thinking porcupine

      • db

        Or, perhaps more appropriately, hedgehog.

  30. Gustave Lytton

    Mask mandate begins again on Friday. And the fucking idiots are cheering this on.

    • waffles

      Can you just, not mask?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Largely, no. More than enough people will go along with it that businesses won’t feel any loss from it but failing to enforce it will get enforcement action from state agencies (OSHA, liquor board, etc).

      • Rebel Scum

        Can you just, not mask?

        That’s been my policy. When maskurbation was in full swing here I never wore one. At one point I think I was the only person in the entire office building not wearing one.

      • Rebel Scum

        And I intend to remain defiant when that shit inevitably comes back this fall.

      • ron73440

        Right there with you.

        We have a mask mandate at work right now and no one has even mentioned it to me after successfully ignoring it the first time.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Their team is winning.

      That’s really all this is. They’re willing to self-flagellate so they can feel morally superior.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Keep backing people into a corner. Either they comply, find someway to avoid it, off themselves, or go postal. Probably more than a few would not be opposed to #4, for reasons.

        Fuck it, life insurance is paid up. Wonder what sort of reaction self-immolation on the steps of the state capitol would get? Probably not like Thích Quảng Đức.

  31. CPRM

    I haven’t gotten ear hair yet, but got nose hair in my mid 20s and that one LONG eyebrow hair in my mid 30s…now I just had a chest hair longer than the hair on my head. What the fuck is wrong with the human body!?

    • CPRM

      I didn’t even mention the back hair since my mid 20s…

      • UnCivilServant

        I am so sorry about the chemical burn. I sincerely thought it would grow back by now.

    • UnCivilServant

      What I’ve always wondered is why human head hair doesn’t have a set length that it grows to – unlike the hair of pretty much every other mammal in the world. The very fact that we need haircuts is an oddity.

      • Nephilium

        It does have a set length. It’s different for each person. When I had long hair, it grew down to about my waist and stayed there without any haircuts.

      • db

        can confirm. Mine gets about nearly halfway down my back and then starts breaking off/falling out.

      • Gadfly

        That’s still an oddity, as what possible use would such long hair concentrated at the head have?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Protection of the brain housing group.

        Gnarled up, matted hair would make a decent helmet/hat.

      • CPRM

        Because science?

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      My dad had a performance review where his boss finished up by saying “And shave your ears! You look like a goddamn werewolf” He probably could have won a lawsuit for that these days.

    • Tres Cool

      I make the argument that I have just as much hair now as I did 20 years ago, but it just packed-up and migrated to other parts of my body.

      • Tres Cool

        And my hairline isnt receding. I like fat women. Its “thigh burns”.

  32. blackjack

    Assholes at work want to mandate the contents of my bloodstream, but they can’t even schedule their propaganda presentation properly. I did find out that noncompliance is about 25 percent in my shop and 50 percent in the whole division.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      And that’s in LA.

      There are more of us than they want to admit.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I think that is nationwide, across all sectors of the economy. Informal gathering of data – we are probably also hovering between 30-50% haven’t gotten the shot.

      • R C Dean

        We’re around 30% noncompliant. And have been since probably March or April.

        Our mandate goes into effect in September.

        We have no clue how many people will quit.

      • Gadfly

        Why would hospitals be setting up a situation where they are purposefully losing workers if they are already understaffed?

    • Gustave Lytton

      There’s non compliance from even those who have gotten jabbed. Imagine that quaint notion that your medical records are absolutely no one else’s business.

      • Ownbestenemy

        ^^^ We discussed this among certain circles in the FAA that whatever outcome we have chosen, it isn’t their business. I mean, I am sure they will find a way for the flight surgeon to be somehow Supreme Commander and if we don’t give that information they will yank our medicals, but heh..all is grand.

      • blackjack

        No. They had the whole thing before we got there. I could have argued with thrm individually, but really i wanted to have the other holdouts hear.

    • Sean

      50 percent in the whole division.

      Solid #.

      They can’t fire 1/2 the staff.

  33. UnCivilServant

    I want to take a walk, but I’m staring at a forecast that has heat advisories and thunderstorm warnings.

    *blinks*

    91 thermometer, heat index 100, 55% humidity?

    Why do you hate me, August?

    • Brochettaward

      If it aint raining, you aint training. Stop being a pussy. Get your ass out there and walk. Heat stroke and thunder hardly kill anyone.

      • Ownbestenemy

        This is why Canada will almost be as good as Mexico someday.

    • waffles

      Well if it makes you feel better it’s even hotter here. I’m going to hydrate like crazy and get myself miserably sweaty. And I’m going to like it.

      • UnCivilServant

        No, it doesn’t. My problems are my own to sort out, and since you did nothing to wrong me, I do not have anything to gain from your suffering.

      • waffles

        I had a yoga teacher who said “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. She was right but sometimes hearing that was insufferable.

    • Tres Cool

      Around 90ºF here, and humidity in the 70% range.

      Good thing I have a fresh 30-pack. No plans on going outside till the sun is down.

    • UnCivilServant

      I made it a half mile out before the raining started. I made it back before the deluge, soaked with more sweat than my four mile walk yesterday.

      Ugh.

      So, one mile today.

      • Tundra

        Consistency is more important than the mileage. Good job.

  34. grrizzly

    LOL. Only 42% effective against Delta. That’s why vaccine mandates are essential.

    A new preprint study that raises concerns about the mRNA vaccines’ effectiveness against Delta — particularly Pfizer’s — has already grabbed the attention of top Biden administration officials.

    What they’re saying: The study found the Pfizer vaccine was only 42% effective against infection in July, when the Delta variant was dominant. “If that’s not a wakeup call, I don’t know what is,” a senior Biden official told Axios.

    • Ownbestenemy

      So because it is ineffective we need to be vaccinated to decrease our effectiveness of slowing its spread?

    • Gustave Lytton

      That’s for Pfizer. Moderna is showing much higher so if you didn’t get that one, prepare to roll up your sleeve.

      • grrizzly

        And Pfizer was the cool vaccine. Much cooler than Moderna.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The Moderna side effects makes your immune system strong. Science™️!

      • Brochettaward

        Weren’t they initially claiming that the vaccines still had like 90% effectiveness, despite the Israel study that initially found something similar to this one?

      • kbolino

        The effectiveness numbers vary based upon what is being defended against: death, severe illness, transmission to others, any kind of infection.

    • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

      “If that’s not a wakeup call, I don’t know what is,”

      A wakeup call for what, though? These people even talk like they’re in a cult. They say shit that appears to be English, but has no actual meaning. It’s so fucking Randian (Ayn, not Paul), I can’t stand it.

      • wdalasio

        At this point, I frigging give up. It’s a popular cult that is immune to reason and won’t tolerate questioning. The best I can hope for is that these neurotic sociopaths work themselves into such a lather about the bug that they give up on the “hybrid flex” model and make full-time work-from-home a permanent option. I live far enough in the boondocks that the lunacy isn’t universal around here and I can live something approximating a normal life if I don’t have to deal with the lunatics on a regular basis. At this point, I’m Team Delta.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        The best I can hope for is that these neurotic sociopaths work themselves into such a lather about the bug that they give up on the “hybrid flex” model and make full-time work-from-home a permanent option.

        That would be nice. I’m talking with a company about an open position, but they want it to be 50% WFH. Wouldn’t mind if it went to 100% telework with regular travel instead.

      • rhywun

        My company just sent out a notice that we can go to 2 days WFH.

        I haven’t been to the office in two months. The mothership in Cleveland was filling up slowly the last I heard, but my satellite office? Hardly anyone goes.

        And I’m pretty certain that lockdowns are coming so I’m not going to go in for now.

      • slumbrew

        We’re going full-on WFH, if you so desire. Some jobs will require going to the office (security-related stuff, I believe we have a SCIF, etc.), but 90% won’t.

    • Sensei

      From the same page:

      WH: Getting vaccinated “most important” step in hurricane preparedness

      Not having, water, food, gasoline other essential medication, survival supplies and the like.

  35. Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

    So I went to the local diner for lunch and I what’s the first thing I do when I get home? Read Joemala.

    Goodbye, eggs & bacon. It was fun while it lasted.

    • wdalasio

      What do they care? They have qualified immunity.

    • R C Dean

      There is, of course, approximately zero actual science on the effect of mRNA vaccines on fetuses.

    • rhywun

      I thought it wasn’t approved for under 12 years old? I guess it really is just a clump of cells.

  36. Zwak, jack off, all trades

    This post is an affront to Shar Pei’s everywhere.

    Well done sir. Well, done.

  37. Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

    I’m now sat on my couch watching some true crime show called “Crazy, Sexy, & Deadly”.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Did they get the story right?

      • Draw Me Like One of Your Tulpae, Jack

        I see the crazy part, and apparently a jury found her deadly. As to the other, no idea. Nobody looks good in interrogation room lighting.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Ryan_Poston

      • Tres Cool

        I think I found your problem, lady- “Although she was read her Miranda rights, Hubers voluntarily spoke to police”.

      • Ownbestenemy

        She ain’t too bad looking. Crazy, but eh, you only live once.

      • UnCivilServant

        you only live once

        All the more reason to make it last.

      • Tres Cool

        That theory could soon be proven by dating her. But I concur. Likely wood.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Ugh, know what irks me, besides what Tres pointed out, was how the cops say stuff like “That isn’t what a [insert person] here would do”. The fact that they are allowed to say that and probably did in court is just bullshit.

  38. grrizzly

    And in local news.

    The city of Somerville is moving to require all people wear face coverings in indoor public settings regardless of whether they have been vaccinated against the coronavirus, according to a city press release Wednesday.

    The mandate will be considered by the Board of Health at a meeting on August 19. If approved, the mandate would take effect Friday, Aug. 20.

    • kbolino

      There’s been no action by my local government w/r/t private businesses yet, but local gov’t buildings require masks at all times again, and some stores have already changed their signage to either “recommended” or “required” “regardless of vaccination status”.

      The best part is nobody can articulate a very good reason why. I’ve seen “delta variant”, “for the children”, and “breakthrough infection” as the given justifications but they’re entirely speculative and entirely devoid of context.

      The goal is to see who will comply and who won’t.

      • Nephilium

        One local news site is helpfully providing a list of businesses I’ll be avoiding.

      • Ownbestenemy

        So all the businesses ‘comply’ with Nevada fake law dictate. However, they comply with signs outside on the doors. I have seen more ‘wear if you want, don’t wear if you don’t” going on now.

    • slumbrew

      JFC.

    • Rebel Scum

      But you have to get the jab so we can go back to normal so we can’t go back to normal.

    • Q Continuum

      IDGAF what they say or do, I’m not wearing a fucking mask.

    • Brochettaward

      The attempts to discredit those who point out the open border nonsense during a pandemic are so pathetic. I don’t see anyone trying to attack Canada’s current border policies, to start with. Second, no one is saying that the border is the reason for covid outbreaks. They are saying it is a contributing factor that makes no sense if you are so worried about covid. People traveling here legally are subjected to all sorts of bullshit, but you are a racist fear monger if you point out that an open border with Mexico is a bad idea during all of this. They hold up a strawman, as is typical of “fact checkers,” and then do a half-assed job knocking it down.

  39. DEG

    Philly reintroducing Lil Rona Panic Measures

    Philadelphia is now requiring masks in all public areas of buildings in the city, at unseated outdoor gatherings of more than 1,000 people, and in indoor businesses and institutions, unless staff and patrons can confirm they’re vaccinated. In restaurants and bars, staff must all be masked and diners must wear masks to their tables to eat or drink, when they can remove them.

    • Ownbestenemy

      “must wear masks to their tables to eat or drink, when they can remove them.”

      Still gets me every time that people buy into that bullshit.

    • Sean

      Not surprised. Fuck Philadelphia.

      Let’s see how much people follow the rules…I’m thinking maybe 50%.

      • DEG

        I found out about the changes from a post to Derpbook by a brewery with a taproom in Philly.

        “Due to new Philly regulations, we will require proof of vaccination in order to enter our Philly locations”.

        Response was mixed but more on the side of “I won’t patronize your business again.”

      • Sean

        Good.

    • Rebel Scum

      unless staff and patrons can confirm they’re vaccinated

      I identify as quadruple vaxed so it’s all good.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Hmm..I am going to tattoo my vax status on my nut sack then. Verify away boys and girls

      • UnCivilServant

        I got the Wuhan Vax. It’s still got the best immunity protection of any option on the market.

  40. limey

    Even so, they always shift the goalposts slightly, don’t they. Covid-positive people being bussed around the country at the taxpayers’ expense really is fantastically hypocritical, but in their minds, the deplorables are blaming immigrants for the “covid surge” rather than just calling out the feds and TMITE for being hypocritical tyrants.

    Don’t forget about this lawsuit; Laredo v DHS.

    • limey

      Dang it – supposed to be a reply to GL.

    • Ozymandias

      And Lloyd Austin flat out said that military members are property.
      “No informed consent for you.”
      Holy fuck.

    • Ownbestenemy

      “Under no circumstances will Marines be compelled to take a potentially hazardous vaccination that the FDA won’t even fully endorse,” Gen. Berger told Austin. “You are a coward and a traitor, manipulated by people pushing bad policy on the men and women who provide security to our nation. Neither you nor your puppet president has authority to enforce such a policy.”

      Wow…I am assuming he will be removed for insubordination but hell ya! Ooorah!

    • grrizzly

      Fake news.

      • Ownbestenemy

        So sad…so so sad I fell for it.

        twitter.com/CMC_MarineCorps/status/1341421889525342209

      • Ozymandias

        Looks like you’re right.
        What in the fuck?

      • db

        The whole point is probably to see which Marines share this on social media approvingly, and then refer them for discipline.

      • Ownbestenemy

        ^^^ Yep

    • Sensei

      “They’re incapable of making informed decisions. So we, their leaders, make the big decisions they cannot,” Austin said. “Biden and Harris are in charge, not individual soldiers.”

      Unreal.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Hot damn, no mincing of words here.

      “Under no circumstances will Marines be compelled to take a potentially hazardous vaccination that the FDA won’t even fully endorse,” Gen. Berger told Austin. “You are a coward and a traitor, manipulated by people pushing bad policy on the men and women who provide security to our nation. Neither you nor your puppet president has authority to enforce such a policy.”

    • R C Dean

      Pretty sure its satire. In other “news” from that site:

      A military tribunal on Thursday convicted former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on charges of murder, conspiracy to commit murder, accessory to murder, child trafficking, endangering a minor, treason, and sedition.

      The two male, one female panel of officers cast a unanimous verdict shortly after Vice Adm. John G. Hannink, who prosecuted the military’s case against Clinton, showcased his final witness for the prosecution, Clinton’s former strategist and lover, Huma Abedin.

      In exchange for leniency and a plea deal, Abedin testified she and Clinton had “shared” underage children with her estranged ex-husband, Anthony Weiner. Pressed to clarify her definition of the word “shared,” Abedin qualified her answer by saying they had “practiced” lewd and lascivious behavior on underprivileged minors Clinton had imported into the United States.

      The Bee may not be only source of lurkers here.

  41. waffles

    “If you try to forcibly vaccinate even one of my Marines, you better come armed,” Gen. Berger said, and hung up the phone.

    BASED

    • The least-interesting BEAM in the world™

      If only it were true.

  42. westernsloper

    This is poetic brilliance of the disgusting yet remaining most likely true. Love it!