“Perjury?!? I’d never perjure myself!” Donald yelled into his hair.
“You cannot testify before Congress, Donald,” the hair replied calmly, “It’s a perjury trap.”
“Cowardly Comey can’t get away with this,” Donald grumbled, “I have to testify.”
“Donald,” the hair said warningly. He looked at the hat lying on his side on the President’s desk.
“Are you going to chime in here?” the hair asked. The hat groaned. A spent needle hung from his discolored bill.
“I am the most truthful President in the history of the entire world ever,” Donald insisted, “I’ve never told a lie.”
“Just put me back on,” the hair said.
“I’ ve got tapes!” Donald insisted. It was the hair’s turn to groan.
There was a firm knock on the door of the Oval Office.
“Someone fucking answer that!” Donald yelled.
The knock came again.
“Really? Nobody? Nobody is going to answer that? Am I the President or fucking what?” Donald held up his hands and mugged for a camera that wasn’t there. “Come in, it’s OPEN!”
A lean guy with a bushy beard pushed the door open. He was all in spandex and had on a helmet.
“Hey, uh, am I in the right place?” he asked.
“Come in, come in,” Donald said, “And shut the door. Steve might try to come in.”
The young man came in the Oval Office, the bicycle he pushed along beside him clicking loudly.
“He’s like Pigpen,” Donald said, “You know Pigpen, right? Peanuts? You read Peanuts?”
“What the fuck is this?” the hair yelped.
“Uh, yeah,” the man said. He looked door at his phone. “I’m looking for someone called, uh, Maggie?”
“MAGA,” the hat croaked. “He’s here to see me, Donald,” he said and louder for the courier, “Yo, over here.”
The man leaned his bike on the humped out couch and went over to the hat.
“How much you got?” the hat asked weakly.
“You fucking didn’t,” the hair said.
“You ordered eight grams, man,” the courier said.
“Uh, yeah, right,” the hat muttered, “How much?”
“You already paid through the app,” he said, setting packets of glassine envelopes in front of the hat.
“Cool, cool,” the hat said, “Nice working with you. I tipped you, right?”
“Yeah,” the courier said. He backed away to his bicycle, never taking his eyes off of Donald or the hat. “You guys have a blessed day.”
When the door closed, the hair exploded, “You just ordered heroin delivered to the White House?!?”
“It’s not like I can go out and get in,” the hat said.
“We are all going to jail,” the hair wailed.
“I’m going to testify,” Donald said again.
“They will catch you in a lie,” the hair hissed.
“I have never told a single lie,” Donald said, “Anyone that thinks I am less than 100% always truthful all the time is a Hillary voter. They voted for Hillary.”
“Don’t say her name in here!” the hair screamed.
“That which is unelected can fundraise eternal,” the hat moaned, “And with strange aeons , even that fat witch may rise infernal.”
oooooo….. shades of Agile Cyborg at the end
“”That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die.””
Yeah, Scruffy, what Gilmore said. [smdh]
he’s not wrong. AC’s style could be described as Lovecraftian/Blake-porno-fan-fic
i think you put more of a “Terry Southern/Pynchon”-spin on things.
I try for strum and drang and end up mired in pathos.
Its a fine line.
Too much kirsch in the fondue
Strum and Drang?
I was into them before they were cool.
I don’t spell Nazi too good.
It is a helluva band name.
First album? Mine Camp.
*hangs head in shame*
Why couldn’t you quote Dan Brown or someone erudite like that?
Shades of Hamilton Jordan.
Damn, the hat is getting into heroin now? He’s really hit rock bottom
Did I misgender the hat? It’s a ‘he’, right?
Are we sure the hat self-identifies as male?
Are you kidding? The hat identifies as the king shit alpha male of whatever room it occupies.
The hat groaned. A spent needle hung from his discolored bill.
Awesome.
Sounds like someone missed Episode #47.
Unfortunately, I have to work too. I’ve grown accustomed to eating
“I’ve grown accustomed to keeping my meals down” is also an acceptable response.
Educate yourself, bro.
https://www.glibertarians.com/2017/05/perhaps-all-pleasure-is-only-relief/
I apologize for my ignorance. Please forgive me
STEVE HIDING UNDER DESK THE WHOLE TIME
STEVE SMITH KNOW ABOUT SECRET BACKDOOR IN OVAL OFFICE, WINK WINK!
IS PRONOUNCED ‘OFFAL OFFICE’!
IT AM OFFAL ORIFICE, SHITLORD!
NO ONE “LET” STEVE SMITH IN, FORCED ENTRY ONLY
STEVE SMITH ALWAYS BEEN PARTIAL TO “SPACE INVADERS”.
STEVE SMITH HAVE OWN GAME, NOW RAPESQUATCH 3 OUT.
The game is a tie-in with the movie, RAPESQUATCH 3: THE RAPENING.
THERE AM NO MOVIE, JUST STEVE WAITING FOR YOU TO ENTER DARKENED AUDITORIUM.
No, no, no. You’re thinking of the new Universal Studios attraction, “THE SQUATCHRAPING WORLD OF STEVE SMITH™ – ANAL ALLEY™”. Which is, granted, pretty what you described.
Still better than Disney World.
The opioid crisis has reached the Whitehouse. We’re doomed. This is the way it ends, the planet baking from global warming while Donald plays the fiddle, on heroin.
Meanwhile, Hillary keeps having this dream….
The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty years of Clintonian slumber
Were vexed to nightmare by a perjuring idiot,
And what rough beast, her hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Washington to be crowned?
Hair falls apart. The Bosley cannot hold.
Is it just me, or does the pic for the Sunday evening links look like Mitch McConnell in a dress?
It was just you, but now I can’t unsee it. Thanks.
Bitch McConnell.
Memory Hole Alert:
One year ago, an Islamonutter murdered 49 people in Orlando. Odd that this anniversary isn’t being noted in the Narrative Media, isn’t it?
I would say that it might be because Omar’s motive is just a total mystery, but I suspect that its because his motive is actually perfectly clear and obvious.
Totes a gay guy who wasn’t made to feel comfortable coming out in our patriarch run society.
also, Shitlord.
Depends on which narrative media. It’s at the top of the front page of CNN.com, but it’s nowhere to be found on MSNBC.
Fair point. There are some articles out there. I skimmed the NYT, and it was human interest stuff, with no context of other Islamonutter attacks. The did at least mention “inspired by ISIS” or somesuch.
And it was on The Today Show, my barometer for white middle America.
I’ve seen a number of tweets commemorating the event by conspicuously, one might even say deliberately, refusing to identify the killer or his motive.
The victims fit within the narrative, the killer/motive do not. In 25 years maybe we float the idea that it was some right-wing neocon out for hate.
I live in Orlando. Even a cursory notice of local media has Pulse events mentioned.
Of course, that doesn’t invalidate your larger point.
“One year after the atrocity at Pulse, many questions remain unanswered”
Not to ruin a nice conspiracy theory, but as I type this CNN has dedicated approximately 1/3rd of its homepage to this anniversary.
What would they have to do for you to consider them “noting” this anniversary? 1/2 the page? The whole page?
That’s odd. I just went to CNN, and out of all the stories linked there, two were on the Orlando shooting, and neither was really flagged or highligted. They must have moved on.
The Twitter ecosystem around Trump consists of bottom-feeders desperately trying to claw their way up.
No different than Twitter as a whole, then?
Oh, this is way more pathetic. It’s all about the people who obsessively track Trump’s tweets and try to get top response.
Spoiler: They’re pretty much all progressive journalist hacks.
Or politicians and media as a whole really.
Like the commentariat here, then?
*ducks*
Hey now, I prefer hanging out here at the bottom, shitposting, thank you very much!
We’re dingleberries that way.
How DARE YOU compare us to Twitter! We run a respectable outlet here for Zardoz jokes, Rape Sasquatches and my increasing sad attempts to shock and disgust!
It’s hard to stay dialed to 11 all the time, SF.
Try fucking up some links, just to get your groove back.
And y’all are going to really feel it when I sue this place for defamation on behalf of my father-in-law, who is named Steve Smith and, to my knowledge, is neither a rapist nor a sasquatch.
(really, my wife once walked by why I was reading a page full of STEVE SMITH jokes and asked me WTF was going on. She laughed once I explained it)
There is verified story of the OG Steve Smith wandering around an LA Reason meet-up, asking anyone without their handle on their nametag if they were “SugarFree.”
Diabetics, the most dangerous game…
It is now my life goal to get you and STEVE in the same room together.
If nothing else you should never have want of source material again.
STEVE SMITH SAY IT ABOUT TIME YOU GET INTO FAMILY BUSINESS.
She laughed once I explained it
Oh…there’s an explanation?
Steve Smith is apparently a lefty buddy of Matt Welch who would end up on the H&R threads and argue with people. Eventually someone found a photo of him online, where he looked like a shaved sasquatch, and Sugarfree/Warty developed the rich backstory of STEVE SMITH, the Rapesquatch. Here’s a thread where Welch challenges people to meet the real Steve Smith on a Reason cruise.
So, for a fee, TSTMNBN would trap you on the high seas with an angry rapesquatch? And they wonder why their numbers are down.
STEVE SMITH HAVE OWN IDEA OF GOOD COCK-TAIL PARTY!
We should make a page on this site that explains the memes/references for people who weren’t on TSTSNBN for quite so long.
We take submissions…
We take submissions…
Give us your safe-word and put on this dog-collar.
I try for strum and drang and end up mired in pathos.
The banjo is a surprisingly fickle instrument.
Finally, a euphemism.
Nice hat. +1 Ministry.
I’m gone on vacation for a week, and what do I find when I come back? A new SF story, and STEVE SMITH as a contributor now? These are interesting times, no doubt.
Also, SF, please keep the grotesque coming, it really is a little bit of madness in a too dull world.
Don’t worry. If I stop, the ghosts will eat me.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U3yuFlvRyqM
Appropriate
Also I always figured it was less so ghosts and more a lovecraftian brain tumor
Has anyone posted anything about Puerto Rico wanting to become a state so they can get bailed out of their economic woes? 97% voted for statehood in their recent non-binding vote.
Just think about that.
+ 2 more Democrat Senators
+ 3,679,644 more commies
Yeah!
The turn out was 22% and most other parties boycotted the voting. Epic fail, Puerto Rico. Epic fail
I’m not really sure why it matters. They’re already US citizens and so they can all just move to FL anytime they want to. I’m not sure how much of an upgrade that is. Maybe since Honduras isn’t completely empty yet, Puerto Rico will be the first totally abandoned slice of Terra that we libertarians can move into and take over to form Libertopia.
+1 terra nullis
Adding a state would require redesigning the flag. I shudder to think what the TOP MEN and their committees of loyal SJW art majors would come up with.
Rampant unicorn on a rainbow background surrounded by 51 gender pronouns.
I actually think you have nailed it there.
I’m imagining 86,000 drunk rednecks being asked to rise and remove their MAGA hats for a giant version of that flag to be unfurled over a football field on a Saturday afternoon in August. Then I imagine D.C. burning to the ground by Sunday night. And now I don’t mind the idea of redesigning the flag so much.
Something red with a gold hammer and sickle comprised of 51 stars?
You thought of that as well, huh.
“Bigby’s Supplicating Palm” would feature strongly in any flag submission.
This seems like something they could come up with.
Shape the stars like a hammer and sickle?
On the plus side, it couldn’t be worse than Canada’s flag. A maple leaf- what a joke
I can take it or leave it.
Historically, states have been added in pairs, so ideally, you’d want to identify a second state to be adopted at the same time.
I know 60 million people in just one new state is rather a lot and might require some further legislation to subsequently subdivide it, but there are a fair number of ‘settlers’ that would support the UK as the other candidate.
Some of the inhabitants have a latent desire for freedom and adherence to the concept of the US Constitution too.
What state was paired with Oklahoma? Or Utah, Colorado, or Nebraska?
Ha! Too late limey, we don’t want you back.
We should give them a good ass kicking if they even think of it.
I only want the pissed-off, fightin’ drunk kind of Brits, not the Hugh Grant kind.
I’d let Farage in. Maybe a few others snarky smartass types.
I’d be down with Farage, some of the other UKIP people and maybe some sane Tories, but the rest of the island is one bad day away from electing a raving socialist who makes Sanders look like Joe McCarthy.
How about a few thousand “Millwall Men”?
Just as long as it’s NOT Canada. *shudder*. I’d take Cuba first, as least it’s a warm place to vacation and not as many commies as our neighbor to the north.
The limeys? They somehow figured out how to make Theresa May PM. Crikey, NO!