Allamakee County Chronicles XXX – Necessaries

by | Nov 29, 2021 | Environment, LifeSkills, Outdoors, Pastimes, Yoots | 130 comments

Allamakee County Chronicles XXX – Necessaries

Note:  A preview from my upcoming autobiography, Life’s Too Short to Smoke Cheap Cigars (Or to Drink Cheap Whiskey.)

Sometimes It Just Hits You.

Some things in life are inescapable; death, taxes, and ridding yourself of the malodorous assimilated residue of the digestive process, not to mention the accumulation of liquid waste byproducts of the renal process.

Most folks these days, in our increasingly urbanized population, don’t really give these necessities much thought.  One has a nice, clean, warm room with fixtures intended for this purpose, and when such becomes necessary, one uses them, and that’s that.

But rural life sometimes presents other challenges, and sometimes those challenges are due to the fact that other animals have the same necessary actions, and many of them don’t always use convenient locations.  That is to say, of course, convenient for people – for the animals, it’s all about convenience.

Take cows, for instance.  To a cow, the world is just one giant bathroom, and they comport themselves accordingly, and often, copiously.  More on that in a moment.

For Example:

I recollect one time, on a sunny January day with temperatures hovering at about ten below, when my old buddy Jon and I decided to go afield early in the morning to hunt foxes and coyotes.  At the last moment Jon’s father decided to join us.  He was an old Navy veteran, very salty, a great bullshitter and all-around entertaining old fellow.  That morning, we arrived at a stretch of woods that had yielded for us in the past on similar forays for furbearers, and as we dismounted from Jon’s ancient Dodge van, his dad announced the need to get rid of some of the coffee he had swilled on the drive out to the hunting grounds.  “I’ll just be a minute,” he said, stepping over to the fencerow.

Bear in mind that we were all three dressed for the weather, with woolen long johns, heavy jeans, long flannel shirts, all surmounted by heavy insulated coveralls, parkas, and thick gloves.

As Jon and I waited, we were entertained by his father’s muttered curses, accompanied by a cacophony of zips and snaps.  It took longer than a minute, but finally, the old guy came back, ready to hunt.  He made a pithy and earthy observation: “It ain’t easy to take a piss when you’re wearing six inches of clothes and you’ve only got three inches of pecker.”

Jon and I thought it best not to reply.

Livestock

Cow Patty.

Various animals are, of course, bound by the same metabolic laws as humans.  But their byproducts are varying in amount and content.  Horses are best known for the “road apples” they leave behind, the aura they admit being mild and grassy.  The outputs, of course, match the inputs; you can’t have one without the other.  There’s an old story about a guy who was looking for a place to board his horse.  In conducting his research, the horseman was told “the price ranges from twenty-five cents to a dollar a day, but no matter what, you’re entitled to the manure.”  (This was in a time when both a dollar and manure had some value, unlike now, when only manure has any real value, despite Congress producing it in vast amounts.)

So, he goes off to a big, prosperous farm and asks the cost of boarding his horse.  “A dollar a day,” the farmer tells him.  “But I’m entitled to the manure?”

“Yes,” the famer says.

Our intrepid caballero then visits a slightly more run-down farm, where he is informed that the price is fifty cents a day.  “But I’m entitled to the manure?”

“Yes,” the second farmer replies.

Wondering now if he can find someplace really cheap, he visits at last a really broken-down old homestead, where he is informed that the price is ten cents a day.  “But I’m entitled to the manure?”

“Son,” the farmer informs him, “at ten cents a day, there ain’t gonna be any manure.”

Cattle, on the other hand, produce immense amounts of various substances, none of which are pleasant.  I have it on good authority that if one completely disregards several rules of safe gun handling and discharges a 12-gauge round into a fresh cow pie at about a 45-degree angle, the resulting spray of cow manure will cover the pant legs of a hunting partner standing a good six feet away.  Mind you, I would never engage in such a stunt personally.

When it comes to the vileness of secretions, though, swine hold the prize.  And the fun thing about swine is this:  A lot of farmers keep their hogs in indoor pens, from which the manure is hosed out into holding tanks, thence to be used for fertilizer.  Nowadays I understand most of these tanks are enclosed, but back in the day some farmers just shoveled it into a pit.  In the sweltering summer sun, it wasn’t unusual for the manure pit to have a dry crust form on the surface, which crust looked remarkably like just honest old bare dirt.

You can probably work out the obvious practical joke here for yourselves, but it generally started with the assurance, “Oh, you can just walk right on across the bare dirt there.”

This One Time:

Back to us humans.

It’s generally not a clever idea to drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of really hot Tex-Mex late in the night before you have an early morning duck hunt planned.

The actual by-gosh Big Marsh.

A few miles north of the little eastern Iowa town of Parkersburg lies Big Marsh, a big expanse of swampy terrain open to the public for hunting and fishing.  Some great duck hunting was to be found there, and while we frequently used boats and decoys, it wasn’t uncommon to simply don chest waders and explore the marsh on foot, jump shooting as you went.  The water could be up to waist-deep, but that was seldom a problem.

Unless you had drank a lot of beer and eaten a lot of really hot Tex-Mex the night before.

On the morning in question, I was solo, with my usual partners in mischief hors de combat from the previous evening’s festivities.  Not being faint of heart, I stuck to my plan, which had my bleary-eyed self essaying forth into the single-digit temperatures of Big Marsh, clad in heavy clothing topped off with the aforementioned chest waders and a heavy parka.

I was a good couple of hundred yards into the marsh, wading through waist-deep waters, through an old stand of half-dead willows, when the Tex-Mex hit me.  The incipient emergency announced itself, as such things often do, with a copious amount of borborygmi and a warning shot of flatus.

Consider for a moment the state of the twenty-two-year-old me, waist deep in water, encased up to the armpits in insulated rubber, with a heavy parka on.  Consider that there is only one place for the vile, eye-watering emissions described to exit, that opening being right under my chin.  I took that for the warning that it was and started examining my options.

My truck was too far away.  It had taken me almost an hour to get where I was.  The dike that blocked in the water to form the marsh was likewise too far away for the present emergency.  I had one option:  A large, dead willow, maybe a foot through at the trunk, was a few paces away through the muddy marsh water.  I headed that way, breaking a skim of ice that covered the frigid waters.

Willows aren’t the best climbing trees in the best of circumstances.  These weren’t the best of circumstances, but I managed to scramble up and onto a large branch high enough to clear the dark waters of the marsh.  Hoping no one was around to watch (and laugh) I managed to shed my parka, hanging it on the stub of a limb a bit higher up.  Another stub branch served to hang my shotgun by its sling; a sling on a pump shotgun may seem a bit unusual to many shooters, but it’s right handy when you’re packing duffels of decoys out into the marsh or trying to take a dump from six feet up a shaky dead willow tree.

Now for the waders.  This was to prove the real challenge.  These were the sort of waders that had detachable suspenders.  Reaching behind me while crouched on a shaky tree branch while suffering abdominal spasms wasn’t easy, but I finally managed to unhook the suspenders, back and front.  I didn’t want them to fall into the icy water into which I would soon be relieving myself, so I stuffed them into a parka pocket.

At this point I was in imminent danger of an embarrassing incident if I didn’t get waders, trousers, and underwear out of the way quickly, so I grabbed the tree trunk with one hand, dropped clothing to my ankles with the other, and leaning backwards so that the orifice in question was well away from my clothing, I let fly.

In winter.

If I were anyone but me at that moment, I wouldn’t have wanted to be in that area.  This being a family-friendly site prevents me from describing this incident in fullest detail, but I will say that several early-flying flocks of ducks made wide detours to bypass the area, and at least two muskrats swam rapidly away; one climbed up on a tussock of reeds and dry-heaved until he passed out.  As for me, I think it’s fair to say that I passed everything I had eaten for the previous two weeks, and those of you familiar with some particular aftereffects of very hot Tex-Mex will appreciate that, after a few moments, I felt very much like the exhaust nozzle on an Atlas rocket.

Finally, it ended.  I looked down at the cold water.  There was a slick of… well, let’s just say that once clothing and waders were back in place, I was required to wade a few yards from the tree and vigorously slosh around in the icy water to remove any residue from my waders.

My innards were still protesting.  Suddenly, the prospect of roast duck didn’t seem like such a high priority.  I headed for my truck.  The ducks would be there another day.

These Days

Growing older comes with its own issues.

While I tend to indulge in fewer late nights with lots of beer and Tex-Mex, there are other issues, such as having what beers I do drink pass through faster.  This can be something of an issue when, say, in elk camp, where one has to climb out of a sleeping bag, pull on boots and walk a good distance from the tent before initiating micturition.

Still, as with all things, these matters are relative.  As long as I don’t have to climb out of waist-deep water into a dead tree in zero-degree temps and drop chest waders, I won’t worry too much.  As for passing this wisdom on to the next generation – well, who am I do deprive them of the sorts of adventures detailed above?

About The Author

Animal

Animal

Semi-notorious local political gadfly and general pain in the ass. I’m firmly convinced that the Earth and all its inhabitants were placed here for my personal amusement and entertainment, and I comport myself accordingly. Vote Animal/STEVE SMITH 2024!

130 Comments

  1. Shpip

    That is to say, of course, convenient for people – for the animals, it’s all about convenience.

    One of the nice things about being a guy — the world is your urinal.

  2. Yusef drives a Kia

    Well that was a crappy story, thanks Animal!

  3. Tundra

    …one climbed up on a tussock of reeds and dry-heaved until he passed out.

    I’m dying!

    Great story, Animal. AS a reformed duck hunter I can confirm the many truths herein.

    Thanks!

  4. Mojeaux

    I had a dream last night that involved seeing a piece of paper on TV and it saying “Allamakee County” on it. Get out of my head, Animal.

      • Mojeaux

        Okay, Ted’S.

    • Animal

      I can neither confirm nor deny any possible possession of any alleged telepathic ability.

  5. Sean

    Toilet humor never goes out of style.

    • Ozymandias

      It is pretty universal, so it has that going for it.

      • SDF-7

        Everybody poop jokes?

  6. Ozymandias

    Well-told story, Animal. It seems that hunting, farm life, and the military are all good for several of these “hard-earned lessons” that simply “cain’t be lurnt” any other way.
    I was out on the wife’s family farm this past weekend for Turkey Day and reminded of this fact while walking the back 40 with the lovely lady.
    In my head I was trying to think up sufficient excuses to abandon our leisurely stroll for a VFR direct flight-plan back to the blessed confines of running water and flushing toilets.
    Fortunately, at that moment, Fate intervened on my behalf: we met up with the kids fishing in the pond and the dog stepped in a mess of cockleburs, requiring us to commandeer the golf cart and bring him back up to the house.
    YES!! I silently huzzahed, despite the poor dog’s misfortune.
    Also, we hadn’t had TexMex and beers the night before so my peristalsis didn’t have anywhere near the same urgency as your sitch, Animal. (And no muskrats were harmed in my case).
    The 12 gauge into cow patty is pretty funny. And this line is my favorite:

    …those of you familiar with some particular aftereffects of very hot Tex-Mex will appreciate that, after a few moments, I felt very much like the exhaust nozzle on an Atlas rocket.

    • Animal

      Thanks Ozy. Can confirm on all three of those sources for “hard-earned lessons.” And good on you for exposing those kids to a clean, healthy outdoor lifestyle, even if sometimes poop is involved.

  7. DEG

    As for passing this wisdom on to the next generation – well, who am I do deprive them of the sorts of adventures detailed above?

    🙂

  8. EvilSheldon

    The only thing worse than chest waders, is when nature calls while you’re zipped up in a 7mm wetsuit, 10 meters down in a quarry. Lessons learned…

    • Ozymandias

      womp, womp, womp.
      I ALWAYS ensure I am, ahem, completely empty before I zip into a wetsuit. You can’t win that race.

    • Animal

      OK, yes, that would be worse.

      • EvilSheldon

        On the plus side, wetsuits are pretty easy to sanitize.

        It seems like there’s a market for water-tight drop flaps…

      • Ozymandias

        When we were transiting the North Atlantic on my Med Float, we were doing some operations over water that required the use of dry suits for all pilots. For those not in the know, it’s basically a giant piece of rubber, with slightly flexible rubberized holes for feet and hands to stick out of. The suits are custom fit so that they are snug enough that you maintain some circulation in the extremities, but water cannot get in. Allegedly, they will keep one alive for longer if you have to ditch in the brutally cold waters of the North Atlantic. As one might imagine, going to the bathroom is… not an option inside a dry suit in the confines of the cockpit of a helicopter. Smart pilots (a) eat wisely during that transit, and (b) have trained themselves adequately to control their bladders. The alternatives are not pleasant to consider, especially while living aboard a ship.
        “Water water everywhere… and not a drop to [shower]” is not an uncommon occurrence at sea.

  9. The Other Kevin

    I always, always go to the bathroom before a game. So does a teammate of mine, and that trip to the bathroom is named after him. When that visit causes you to miss the pre-game meeting, it’s called a “Kevin”.

    • Sensei

      I’m assuming with the crew you play hockey with there may be varying degrees of personal choice about when and how to go.

      • The Other Kevin

        Rule #1, do not shit in the locker room bathroom. Which is why I was late to the aforementioned meeting. We do have a lot of bathroom stories. One is about a rink in Detroit, that has short concrete walls between the toilets instead of walls. If the doors are open, you can sit on the toilet and look through the locker room and watch a game on the ice.

    • Ed Wuncler

      When I was doing cross country and track/field in high school I was told two things when I joined the team: Do not eat a heavy meal right before the meet and make sure that you’re hydrated enough to run the race but not too hydrated where you want to take a giant piss during a relay.

    • Ownbestenemy

      One of the better bits in Letterkenny and when I played, I always used the bathroom prior to a game. You don’t want the shit literally knocked out of you on a big hit.

  10. db

    Very many out-loud laughs were experienced.

    Great story!

  11. JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

    Wisecracks from salty old guys and fecal stories remind me of a couple comments from my dad in his last months as I was changing his diaper. “I bet you always knew I was full of shit” and “You heard of the Mother Lode? Well this is the Father Load”.

    • whiz

      My MIL may be wearing adult diapers at some point — I’m using those lines on her. She has a great sense of humor and would enjoy them, too.

    • Zwak, sensual panzer

      Having had to go through the same with my father in his last months, I am full of understanding.

  12. Ownbestenemy

    I feel like I have let my kids down by not getting them to the family farms in their youth. Cowpies, electric fences, and so hot that a quick dip in the irrigation canal is warranted and probably parasitic.

  13. l0b0t

    Hey! We’re getting our first snowfall of the Winter… lousy Yankee weather.

    • DEG

      We had ours over the weekend. Just enough to coat the grass. The ground is too warm for it stick around for much longer.

      Northern NH has been getting snow since early November.

      • Not Adahn

        Yesterday’s stuck around. MY driveway was juuuust warm enough to melt some of the snow so that the rest formed and unscrapeable layer this morning.

        It’s coming down now, I guess I should fill and test the snowblower.

    • Animal

      What have you been waiting for? We’ve had snow on the ground for over a month.

    • Tundra

      70 and sunny here. ?‍♂️

    • db

      We got close to 3 inches on Saturday night, which promptly melted completely (except for shaded areas on north-facing hills). Then last night we got about 3/4 of an inch, which also melted.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’m gonna try and play a few holes before the next wave comes in, maybe a 2 hour window starting now, then 3-6″ expected

    • juris imprudent

      A few stray flakes along the Mason-Dixon too.

      • Sensei

        Maybe the first day or so…

    • db

      very relaxing

  14. Fourscore

    Great story, Animal. I’ve been trying to repress most of those things but you renewed my memory.

    Allamakee can’t be too far from Podunkville.

    Bess Truman has a story about Harry and the use of certain expressions.

    Thanks for the memories

  15. Sean
  16. Sean

    https://nypost.com/2021/11/26/woman-shoots-her-vagina-in-cam-sex-crotch-shot-gone-wrong/

    Uhm….How did this get by and not get posted? Or if it was, I missed it.

    “The female had shot herself in the vagina accidentally,” paramedic Brittany Rivers reportedly told responding police officers of the incident, which reportedly occurred on the morning of Nov. 9 at a residence in Thomaston, per a report by the Upson County Sheriff, the Smoking Gun reported.

    • Not Adahn

      That would seem to be a rather fatal location, if she was using it as cam girls use objects.

      • UnCivilServant

        There are trajectories where it might take out a kidney and exit the back. Survivable but not good. Definately a darwin award winner, since the womb is toast.

      • UnCivilServant

        Immediately after the accident, Daman was rushed to the Upson County Sheriff’s Office, where a helicopter flew her to a Macon hospital. She was discharged this week.

        Heli ambulance and three weeks in the hospital.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Her cam girl cash flow better have been on point cause that is a pretty penny she will get slapped with.

      • rhywun

        Maybe it is insured.

      • Not Adahn

        Lloyds of London does that sort of thing IIRC.

      • UnCivilServant

        Do you think she had enough foresight to get insurance? She didn’t even have to foresight to check if it was loaded.

    • db

      I saw that the other day–thought someone here commented on it.

      It’s one of those things that just sounds too awful to contemplate.

      • Ownbestenemy

        She was metaphors about guns and a phallus a little too seriously.

    • Shpip

      The absolute worst kind of vaginal discharge.

    • Ted S.

      Did drugs fall out of her ass too?

  17. ron73440

    In the sweltering summer sun, it wasn’t unusual for the manure pit to have a dry crust form on the surface, which crust looked remarkably like just honest old bare dirt.

    On our Dairy farm, we had a manure pit. The smell when we loaded it and spread over the fields would travel for miles.

    Once a calf got stuck and my step-dad and I had to go through the crust and pull her out.

    We had to strip down and hose each other off before we could go shower. Worst I have smelled in my life.

  18. Not Adahn

    I keep hearing about the excretory pain of eating spicy foods, and I can only conclude that either you are all defective, or I have a superpower.

    My body digests capsaicin. It does not pass through me. I eat Indian food at “native” level and Thai at “let’s fuck with the farang” level. And yet my bowel movements are as mild as if I were Amish.

    • ron73440

      I keep hearing about the excretory pain of eating spicy foods, and I can only conclude that either you are all defective, or I have a superpower.

      #METOO

      • Sean

        I am the king of capsaicin!

        No issues for me either.

        Gonna have some new super hot pepper varieties next season.

    • slumbrew

      You are some sort of mutant. Or callused.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      You must be part avian.

    • db

      That’s interesting. For me it’s intermittent. Probably about 70% of the time, eating very spicy foods results in a Johnny Cash song the next day, while the other 30%is more smooth jazz.

      I love Thai food, but for some reason, it blows through me like it’s on a timer. I have to make sure I’m near a bathroom within an hour of eating most Thai curries.

      • Tres Cool

        + Ring of Fire

    • Ownbestenemy

      Depends on the spice for me really. I can chomp down some well made spicy food and usually goes well in the end. Others, especially if it is on the greasier side, my body does not like.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      That was the case for me too until I hit about forty but now spicy hot food results in a scorched anus.

      • ron73440

        I’m 50 and spiciness doesn’t affect me, but since my gall bladder was removed, sometimes I have to play BEAT THE CLOCK.

        Spoiler alert: I’ve never lost, but it is not a fun game to play.

    • rhywun

      I don’t eat top-level spice but I have never had that sort of problem with anything I’ve eaten that I can recall, TBH.

    • Mojeaux

      I have never really gotten the joke about having the runs after eating Taco Bell. Not SPICY, but the same joke.

      I have only begun eating spicy foods as my taste buds change, so I don’t know how spicy is spicy. Whatever I have eaten, I have not had AOF (ass on fire) from it.

      • Ozymandias

        In China there are these vegetables that are long shoots, plain white to tan in color, and they’re commonly added to huo guo (hot pot). The Chinese nickname for them (translated) is “see you tomorrows.” You get no guesses as to why that is.

  19. Sensei

    It’s called JournoList 2.0

    Inside the ‘Misinformation’ Wars

    On Friday afternoons this fall, top American news executives have dialed into a series of off-the-record Zoom meetings led by Harvard academics whose goal is to “help newsroom leaders fight misinformation and media manipulation.”

    Those are hot topics in the news industry right now, and so the program at Harvard University’s Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy drew an impressive roster of executives at CNN, NBC News, The Associated Press, Axios and other major U.S. outlets.

    • Gender Traitor

      I’m sure Fox’s invite just got lost in the mail.

    • ron73440

      Harvard academics whose goal is to “help newsroom leaders fight misinformation and media manipulation.”

      They misspelled conduct

    • Tulip

      This is how you know it’s propaganda

    • rhywun

      A handy list of media outlets to ignore.

    • Ed Wuncler

      “help newsroom leaders fight misinformation and media manipulation.”

      The lack of accountability or self awareness is defining. These assclowns are continuing Goebbels’ legacy of being propagandists and most likely had that meeting because they are concerned about their turf being invaded by independent journalists and podcasters like Rogan and Rekeita Law. They are slowly losing their grip on being the sole arbiters of news, so now they adopting the, “If they ain’t us, then they are organs for misinformation,” mindset.

      • Sensei

        They really are shining examples of projection.

      • Ed Wuncler

        I think the best part is that these organizations have been caught in a million lies especially and not once have they even considered that they should stop lying. The real purpose of these meetings were to restrict the ability of alternative new sources exposing their lies. You can bet your ass that their lobbyists are in DC lobbying for that right now.

      • Gustave Lytton

        See also Facebook begging for regulation.

    • ron73440

      “Some media outlets publish these same fake stories … stories that just aren’t true, without checking facts first,
      Unfortunately, some members of the media use their platforms to push their own personal bias and agenda to control exactly what people think.
      This is extremely dangerous to a democracy.”

      • rhywun

        “But enough about us.”

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      But it becomes a conspiracy theory when saying there is any sort of organization and coordination involved among the organs of the Cathedral.

  20. rhywun

    Mayor de Blasio reinstates mask advisory as NYC braces for Omicron

    No.

    I am done playing your stupid games.

    • ron73440

      I don’t understand the mask thing.

      When I said to my mom they don’t work, I might as well said the sun rises in the west.

      Any scientific study shows they are ineffective, the ones that claim otherwise are either cherry picked dates or talking about droplets.

      • rhywun

        I don’t understand the mask thing.

        “Something must be done. This is something.”

      • Sensei

        Winner.

        Plus you get to show support for “Team”. Plus. if they were actually effective you can be pretty much sure that some on Team Red would be shitting all over them because their team isn’t in charge.

      • Not Adahn

        Absolutely.

        “What about masks should we wear masks?”

        “No, masks have not been shown to work.”

        “What about masks? I’ve got to do something. I’ll start wearing masks.”

        People started wearing masks, articles on how to make your own masks started getting published, and only THEN did Fauci jump in front of the parade to tell people to start wearing them. And then went with the “we were telling a Noble Lie when we said they didn’t work earlier.”

      • ron73440

        I kind of get that part, but when people in general seem to believe in the tiger repelling rock, it hurts my brain.

      • rhywun

        I know. I used to think I was cynical… turns out I wasn’t cynical enough.

      • ron73440

        I used to think I was cynical… turns out I wasn’t cynical enough.

        I have said that to my wife more times than I can count.

        Also : “I don’t understand people.”

      • grrizzly

        A large majority of people are incapable of rational thinking.

      • Ozymandias

        We’re not “rational” animals, despite the lie we tell ourselves. We’re rationalizing animals.
        Science is/was a methodology for helping combat that, but how many people well and truly act completely “rational” in all things? 0.00 to as many significant digits as you want to go. (Put a bar over the zero for the nerds).
        Even the greatest scientists act irrationally about shit outside of their specialties. The problem is that we lie to ourselves about this fact and that’s why people are confused and confounded. Their reasons are TEH SCIENCE(!!) and your reasons are superstitious gibberish.
        Actually, tune in tomorrow at 11 for my article that is related to this exact subject.

      • DEG

        Actually, tune in tomorrow at 11 for my article that is related to this exact subject.

        Sounds interesting.

        I see the paperback version of your new book is now available on Amazon.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        Also, every study is in a lab environment, with perfect conditions; every mask is perfectly in place, always being worn, and so on. In the real world, where people breathe, slip in under their noses, wear idiotic pieces of cloth that do absolutely nothing, and other issues of compliance, but don’t look at real-world examples which show zero effect of the damn things. Nor do they contemplate any damage from wearing them, such as developmental damage in kids, lack of social trust in adults, and destroying risk management strategies.

        But Rhywun is right, “something must be done (at the taxpayer’s expense.)”

  21. DEG

    OT: Preliminary injunction in some states against Biden’s medical worker vaccine mandate

    A federal court in Missouri blocked the Biden administration from enforcing a vaccine mandate for health-care workers in 10 states.

    The preliminary injunction by the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Missouri marks the first victory for opponents of the mandate, which requires health-workers to be vaccinated by Jan. 4, 2022.

    The lawsuit is one of four challenges the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services faces against the rule. More than half of states are now involved in one of the challenges, which all claim the mandate will exacerbate staffing shortages. A federal judge in Florida declined to block the rule in a separate suit.

    Legal observers have said the mandate is on firm footing because the Medicare agency has the right to govern the rules facilities must follow if they want funding.

    But U.S. District Court Judge Matthew Schelp said that the CMS vaccine mandate is most likely an overstep of the agency’s authority. “The nature and breadth of the CMS mandate requires clear authorization from Congress—and Congress has provided none,” he said.

    • Gustave Lytton

      GFY. CMS may claim it has powers but it doesn’t have rights.

      • DEG

        I figured that’s what you meant.

        I have the same message for folks pushing vaccine mandates.

    • Ozymandias

      DEG – you beat me to posting it. I just finished reading the decision. Another great legal beatdown. Yes, I know, they lean on the “it’s only the STATES that can mandate vaccines!” as part of the decision, but again, there really is a significant difference between federal compunction and state compunction. You can always leave a state that sucks – it’s much harder to flee the country. That is (of course) exactly why Team Blue/Progressive/Covidiots want to make everything a federal issue – is so that they can control it from the comforts of DC. The other great part is that this was a single federal judge in Missouri on a TRO motion shutting the whole thing down. My prediction is that this isn’t coming back, either. So that leaves the federal employee and military mandates still standing, although the military mandate has had some bites taken out of it, too.

      • grrizzly

        A Missouri judge beats a Hawaii judge.

      • DEG

        That’s a low bar.

      • Zwak, sensual panzer

        Maybe they need a bigger bar?

      • juris imprudent

        I hate to say it, but doesn’t PREP Act give them some basis (not that I would mind the striking down of that act)?

  22. Mojeaux

    WHYYYYYY? /Nancy Kerrigan

    Why can’t I have snow? Huh? Huh? Freaking 60F today, going up to 70s this week.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Yeah I don’t think we are going to get our one snow day here in Vegas this year.

    • Tundra

      Are you nuts? You’ll get your snow. Revel in the warmth while you can!

      • Mojeaux

        Are you nuts?

        Is this a rhetorical question?

  23. Ownbestenemy

    Which one of you is watching Rekeita interview right now and commented “Eldritch Catastrophe​no step on snek”

  24. Ownbestenemy

    I thank people like Ozy for moving things like this

    https://abcnews.go.com/Health/live-updates/coronavirus/?id=81441585#81447706

    The White House’s Office of Management and Budget is telling federal agencies they should hold off on suspending or firing federal workers for not complying with the vaccine mandate until after the holidays, according to a memo obtained by ABC News.

    Just last week I got my guidelines and dates for disciplining any unclean…so…thanks Ozy for your pressure!

    • Ownbestenemy

      Also, no news agency doesn’t ask FedGov to unravel this statistic

      Ninety-two percent of federal workers have already had at least one vaccine dose, according to the Office of Management and Budget. The federal workforce’s compliance rate stands at 96.5%, meaning employees have had at least one vaccine dose or have a pending or approved exception or extension request.

      Mash everything together and look! *96.5%!

      *When we add one-shot personnel or those waiting for exceptions and extensions….lol

      • Tundra

        And yet more and more of my friends are being subject to their company’s mandate. WTF is going on?

      • Ozymandias

        It’s amazing how influential the media is. By refusing to cover any of the administration’s legal losses, a lot of people are just in the dark and have no idea that the Biden mandates are actually getting crushed in court.

      • Ownbestenemy

        There are people that still believe they need to sanitize their packages and have those stupid plexiglass shields up even though they have been completely disproven. Selective reporting is fucking dangerous.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I wonder if the White House even knows how many of federal workers are fully vaccinated with both doses. Or maybe they do know, and that’s why they’re sticking to the single-dose numbers.

        They absolutely do know, our attestation had it documented and they can only assume the one-shot persons cause we don’t have to report it unless we are in progress of becoming a sheep.

      • Sean

        They absolutely do know

        Oh really? PA gov admitted days ago, that their # was off by a million. A MILLION too many.

  25. Ozymandias

    Selective reporting is fucking intentional and dangerous.

    FTFY. 😉

    • Ownbestenemy

      In other words, we will purge harder

    • Sensei

      It gets even better.

      Agrawal: Our role is not to be bound by the First Amendment, but our role is to serve a healthy public conversation and our moves are reflective of things that we believe lead to a healthier public conversation. The kinds of things that we do about this is, focus less on thinking about free speech, but thinking about how the times have changed. One of the changes today that we see is speech is easy on the internet. Most people can speak. Where our role is particularly emphasized is who can be heard. The scarce commodity today is attention. There’s a lot of content out there. A lot of tweets out there, not all of it gets attention, some subset of it gets attention. And so increasingly our role is moving towards how we recommend content and that sort of, is, is, a struggle that we’re working through in terms of how we make sure these recommendation systems that we’re building, how we direct people’s attention is leading to a healthy public conversation that is most participatory.

      EmTech Stage: Twitter’s CTO on misinformation

      • Ed Wuncler

        They are testing the waters for when they either completely do away with the 1st Amendment or whittle away at it until it’s incredibly toothless. You get people used to the idea that you’re not free to say anything and that “bad” opinions and their proponents needs to be purged from the public square, you’ve created an opening for authoritarians to get rid of the freedom of speech.

      • Tundra

        They’ve been trying to do that forever. I think weirdly that the internet will ultimately prevent it. There are too many ways to torpedo the narrative.

        That doesn’t mean that the sheep won’t bleat, of course, but it does suggest that complete control is impossible.

      • Ed Wuncler

        Some days I’m as optimistic as you are but other days, especially after hanging around family and friends this past weekend, I’m not as optimistic because they are begging to be controlled and not only controlled but destroy those wo think differently .

      • Tundra

        Fucking government was jailing reporters and contentious objectors in WWI and stuffing Americans in concentration camps in WWII. This is as old as time. The internet at least gives us a fighting chance.

      • Ed Wuncler

        The Progressives and tech oligarchs are working hand in hand to destroy the freedom of speech and they are playing the long game. They know that they can’t come right out and say that government need to amend or get rid of the first amendment, so the tech oligarchs (with the blessing of the Progressives) are doing the dirty work of purging disagreeable opinions from the public square and hiding behind the, “We’re a private entity, so we can serve or deny service to whomever we want.” It’s fucking genius and shows that Progressivism and big oligarchic corporations need each other to survive.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        In other words, content management to suit their preferences.

        I don’t see how this is anything but editorial action on their part.

      • Ownbestenemy

        A move to force FedGov to regulate?

    • juris imprudent

      Could not possibly care less, twitter is a sewer.

    • Sean

      How dare you call crack smoking pedos “evil & corrupt”!

      How dare you!!!!

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