Joemala: Episode 53

by | Jan 5, 2022 | Joemala | 221 comments

 

“And we’re finished upgrading the defensive perimeter around the White House itself. Mr. President, we are ready for whatever Donald Trump tries to throw at us,” the general said.

Joe looked at him and smiled and General Milley smiled back and this went on for a few more seconds.

“You can go, General,” Finnegan said.

“Isn’t he going to dismiss me?” Miley asked.

Joe’s grin widened and widened. His dry lips began to crack.

“Please go,” Finnegan said quietly.

General Milley stood, gathered up his skirts in a huff, and stalked out of the room.

“Don’t a-a-a-a-ask, don’t tell,” Joe said as she dabbed blood from his lip.

“You helped end that policy, Grandpa,” she said.

“I love you, Jill,” Joe said, a shaking hand cupping Finnegan’s left breast.

“I’m Finnegan, Grandpa,” she said.

“You’re very pretty,” he said in a hoarse whisper. “But what is this place?”

“We’re in the White House set we use for television appearances.”

“This isn’t the White House?” Joe asked in surprise, his balding eyebrows trying to creep up the botox-paralyzed skin of his forehead.

“It’s just a place for you to be more… Presidential,” she said, backing away from his frail kneading of her breast.

“I don’t like being President,” Joe said. “I thought it would be more fun. And that nurse you hired is a real bitch to me.”

“Nurse?” Finnegan asked. “I’m your nurse.”

“No, no, the other one, the…” Joe moved his hands around trying to find a word. “The mean one, the one that looks like a horse, you know, big teeth, and I think she’s going to bite me when she laughs.”

“I’m not sure…” Finnegan began.

“The BLACK one!’ Hunter said, springing from behind the Jen standee.

Joe tried to touch his nose and mumbled, “Bingo!”

“Ka-ma-la!” Hunter sang.

“How do you keep getting in here?!?” Finnegan screamed.

“I sell clean urine to Secret Service agents,” Hunter said. “And I need a place to lie low for tomorrow. I can’t get caught out on the streets. I might end up in a riot or as a guest on The Joe Rogan Show.”

“Stay away!” she said, “You might have Omicron!”

“Baby girl, I’ve had them all,” Hunter said. “And all the vaccines. I put the fourth booster right in my ol’ man-dick.” Finnegan snorted in disgust.

“I’m boostered,” Hunter said in a strained high voice and grabbing his crotch, “I’m clean, mean, and ready to party.”

“Don’t do that,” Finnegan said, backing Joe’s Rascal away from Hunter. “It’s not funny.”

“You used to think it was funny when you were a kid,” Hunter said, smiling, one of his veneers falling away.

“I’m not 20 anymore,” she said and faded into the studio wings.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

221 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    You can’t always First when you want
    You can’t always First when you want
    But if you try sometime you find
    You First when you need

  2. Animal

    “Baby girl, I’ve had them all,” Hunter said.

    “He’s had the clap so many times it’s basically applause.”

  3. ron73440

    “I don’t like being President,” Joe said. “I thought it would be more fun. And that nurse you hired is a real bitch to me.”

    “The BLACK one!’ Hunter said, springing from behind the Jen standee.

    Joe tried to touch his nose and mumbled, “Bingo!”

    Why does this seem realistic?

    Another excellent entry.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Why does this seem realistic?

      Black arts. Scryed from the entrails of interns.

  4. slumbrew

    General Milley stood, gathered up his skirts in a huff, and stalked out of the room.

    Excellent.

    • Ghostpatzer

      +1 Don’t ask, don’t tell

    • EvilSheldon

      Damn, I missed that the first time…

  5. The Other Kevin

    “Don’t do that,” Finnegan said, backing Joe’s Rascal away from Hunter.

    It’s these little subtle details that get me.

    • CPRM

      FAKE NEWZ! Joe has a Hoveround!

      • CPRM

        (a Rascal has controls in front of the ‘driver’, meaning only they can control it, while a Hoveround has controls on the armrest, meaning anyone walking aside can also control it need be.)

  6. Tundra

    General Milley stood, gathered up his skirts in a huff, and stalked out of the room.

    Perfect.

  7. Not Adahn

    Hunter said, smiling, one of his veneers falling away.

    If he’d spend some of his meth money one better cosmetic dentistry…

  8. Rebel Scum

    Hawt.

  9. CPRM

    “You used to think it was funny when you were a kid,” Hunter said, smiling, one of his veneers falling away.

    “I’m not 20 anymore,” she said and faded into the studio wings.

    20 seems old for Hunter’s preferences.

    • slumbrew

      Again, Finnegan is Hunter’s daughter, right? ‘Cause, gross.

      • CPRM

        That’s the only part you find gross?

      • slumbrew

        No, it just adds next-level grossness.

  10. Swiss Servator

    I have a feeling of … unease, after reading this.

    • Animal

      In other words, a typical SugarFree Wednesday.

  11. Count Potato

    ““No, no, the other one, the…” Joe moved his hands around trying to find a word. “The mean one, the one that looks like a horse, you know, big teeth, and I think she’s going to bite me when she laughs.”

    “I’m not sure…” Finnegan began.”

    I wasn’t sure either. Could have been AOC.

    • Bobarian LMD

      I don’t believe the control team would let any member of The Squad within a 100M of Joe.

    • Urthona

      Could it be because it wasn’t incited or planned?

      Just spitballing here.

      • The Other Kevin

        Just like anything else with Trump. They’re SURE in their hearts there was a major crime. I mean, just look at the guy! Obviously guilty! The evidence is right here… hang on… wait, I’m sure I’ll find it, just give me a sec…

      • Urthona

        There’s not a shred of evidence that this was incited or planned, so our government isn’t governmenting hard enough. Obviously.

      • Lackadaisical

        Some serious gulag archipelago vibes.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        The Feds have homefield advantage and yet, nothing.

      • Necron 99

        Ray Epps probably knows who planned what he incited, but apparently the FBI doesn’t like investigating themselves.

      • juris imprudent

        FBI: We don’t know of any Ray Epps, and even if we did, we wouldn’t admit it. You can just trust us.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Or that there was even a coup?

    • The Other Kevin

      The talking point I see is how few (if any) people have been convicted. And they never mention how many people have been sitting in solitary confinement for a year without being charged with anything.

      • juris imprudent

        I think they’ve been charged, just not tried. I mean, it isn’t like they have a right to a speedy trial or anything.

    • Rebel Scum

      The hundreds of people being held in solitary confinement for trespassing could not be reached for comment.

      • wdalasio

        That’s probably the biggest reason I have for no longer taking the libertarian leadership seriously. For the most part, all I hear from them on the topic sounds a lot like “Nothing to see here! Move along!”.

        What the hell is the point of libertarianism if you’re going to be okay with political prisoners likely put there through entrapment? Once you’ve signed off on that one, all of the rest of it sounds pretty much like aesthetics.

      • Tundra

        What the hell is the point of libertarianism…

        I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately.

      • Rebel Scum

        “You hyper-individualist, white, selfish, society-hating libertarians are the bane of democracy.” – Joy Reid

        (see below)

      • Tundra

        She sounds nice.

  12. juris imprudent

    General Milley stood, gathered up his skirts in a huff, and stalked out of the room.

    Winner!

    • Fourscore

      “his balding eyebrows trying to creep up the botox-paralyzed skin of his forehead.”

      My fave

    • Urthona

      CRT is a myth. It went to the janitorial slush fund.

      • The Other Kevin

        It is a myth. I’m sure if you go to any of those schools, you won’t find a single class titled “Critical Race Theory”, and you won’t find a single book with “Critical Race Theory” on the cover. So there’s your proof.

  13. Rebel Scum

    Company canceled the holiday party (again..) due to flu season the Moronic variant. And I saw someone get sent home for being “exposed” to someone who probably “tested positive”. I know for a fact that the individual who “tested positive” is triple vaxxed.

    I remain one of few that do not participate in the resurgent practice of the shame muzzle. I am the resistance.

    • Urthona

      Is there a valid societal reason at this point for people to avoid Covid?

      I would think more healthy people in the workforce getting covid — though it sucks for the individual — is overall a benefit to society. Since we now know the vaccine has little to no effect on the spread.

      • Tundra

        I’m actually surprised at how many people in my sphere have it right now. Symptomatic, even. Some vaxxed, some not.

        Lab. Leak.

      • The Other Kevin

        Just in my experience over the last month or so, I know lots of people who have it, and whether you get it or not and the severity seems to have nothing to do with vaxxed, unvaxxed, or boosted.

      • Urthona

        I mentioned before where everyone at a particular event I was at got Covid, and most people were vaccinated. Many had boosters. That was enough to certainly crush my faith in the vaccine’s ability to prevent the spread.

        I have no idea if it helps lessen the severity. Everyone had non-serious cases, but the odds are great than 99% that they would have anyway.

      • The Other Kevin

        Joe Biden’s claim that a vaccine will keep you from getting sick, keep you out of the hospital, and keep you from spreading it has been proven 100% wrong. All of us are seeing this. And yet he and a lot of other Dem governors and mayors keep pushing vax mandates and passports as if it were true. I’m hopeful that reality will finally cause them to relent. The CDC just changed their quarantine rules, and that was due to people saying “Screw it, I’m not staying home for 10 days when I don’t feel sick”.

      • Urthona

        And the 5 days is still excessive in my opinion. Not really based on science. If you test negative and have no symptoms I’d wait about a day. I mean seriously.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        I will try saying “I got infected for the good of society in December,” but I doubt it will work.

      • Urthona

        I know, but how does excessively slowing the spread — assuming any of these ideas work — have any societal benefit at this point? We’re not waiting for a vaccine. We’re not flattening the curve. The vaccine doesn’t stop it.

        Covid has to move to its natural and stable endpoint now.

    • rhywun

      I got an email this morning that someone in my office (that I don’t go to) “tested positive”. I didn’t know these emails were a thing, and I’m going to hazard a guess that way more than one person got the plague in the last few weeks and the smart ones stayed home and kept their traps shut about it.

      • Urthona

        My wife’s company is now trying to make her take a booster.

        She, along with myself, got Covid like 2.5 weeks ago. That’s gonna suck. I told her to delay as long as possible.

      • Urthona

        Especially since I believe having had covid may make the immune response more severe. Not sure there’s strong evidence of this, but it seems like that.

      • Lackadaisical

        There’s definitely a time period after a positive test you’re not supposed to take it, even according to CDC. please look it up before letting her get another shot

      • Certified Public Asshat

        I think even the CDC says wait 3 months post infection.

        WHO is 6 months.

      • Urthona

        Thanks. Good to know.

      • Ted S.

        We had one person test positive about a year ago. I found out about it because I was working overtime, and when I got into the office at 4AM, all the lights were on and doors open in a way they shouldn’t be. There was a printout of the email up on the wall for the people whose jobs don’t involve actually being on a computer.

        I was this-close-to-having-a-panic-attack-nervous that they’d close the facility down or something untli the supervisor came in and told the couple of close contacts they should go get tested, while people like me who pretty much never got within six feet of the infected person were basically ignored.

    • Drake

      My wife has been sick for a couple of days. It hasn’t affected me yet. In a couple of weeks we’ll go get the antibody test.

  14. DEG

    General Milley stood, gathered up his skirts in a huff, and stalked out of the room.

    Heh.

    “I sell clean urine to Secret Service agents,” Hunter said. “And I need a place to lie low for tomorrow. I can’t get caught out on the streets. I might end up in a riot or as a guest on The Joe Rogan Show.”

    Brilliant!

    • Swiss Servator

      Where would Hunter get clean urine?

      • Not Adahn

        He knows people.

      • Swiss Servator

        Strippers? His dealers?

      • JG43

        The strippers kids of course

      • Not Adahn

        Heeeey, a new income stream for Rufus!

      • kinnath

        Buys it wholesale in bulk quantities. Sells it retail to offset his drug consumption.

      • juris imprudent

        Irony par excellence.

    • db

      …police say one of the suspects – who was armed with a shotgun – got in the victim’s vehicle.
      But as he drove off, the Lyft driver – who police say has a valid permit to carry – fired his gun at the carjacker.

      That is what will put this guy in prison.

      • Sean

        Doubtful.

        They already gave him the “valid permit” cover and called him the victim.

        I’ll be absolutely shocked if that changes.

      • db

        I guess it just depends on how much pressure there is on the prosecutor to press charges. Shooting at a fleeing person, even if they just attacked you, is almost certainly not eligible for a self-defense claim.

      • Sean

        He wasn’t “fleeing”. He was still in the process of committing a felony.

      • db

        It’s still likely not self defense. He was leaving the scene of a crime, not attacking someone. That’s a bad shoot (legally), no matter what.

      • Rebel Scum

        And in control of a deadly weapon. And that car is the Lyft driver’s property and livelihood.

        We really need to change the perception and law of self-defense regarding property. Don’t want to get ventilated? Don’t steal.

      • db

        I’m not making a statement about what I think should happen in this situation. I’m making a statement about my opinion of what the law is. I’m all for people being armed and defending themselves and (to a more limited extent) their property. Shooting someone as they’re trying to get away from you and not a threat is questionable, IMO.

        Shooting the other guy in the car who tried to hit him is self defense, though. However, from what I’ve learned recently, even police are trained not to shoot at operators of moving vehicles. The likelihood that shooting the driver would prevent you from getting hit is pretty low. Better to focus your energy on jumping out of the way. If the guy persists in trying to kill you with the car, you’re still a lot more maneuverable than the car.

      • EvilSheldon

        None of that makes any difference, and I’m not real sanguine about using deadly force to protect property. Even mine.

      • juris imprudent

        Did you not read “PHILADELPHIA” – that fuckwad DA will want to make an example of this guy. Unless by chance he’s black.

  15. Rebel Scum

    Joyless Reid is still a dishonest cunte.

    Joy Reid is back with her racist antics claiming white Christians threaten American ‘democracy.’

    The left sounds more nazi-esque by the day. They are collectivist bedfellows, of course.

    • Tundra

      Good. I hate democracy.

      Yay white Christians!

    • Ownbestenemy

      Wait…she said it’s… “extreme man-libertarianism, its Any-randism mixed with Fascism plus a Brazil and Moscow chaser” What the fuck does that even mean?

      • Ghostpatzer

        extreme man-libertarianism, its Any-randism mixed with Fascism plus a Brazil and Moscow chaser

        Did Rand identify as XY? Xe must have been ahead of xer time.

      • juris imprudent

        Hope to god it means she is stroking out as she tweets.

      • Rebel Scum

        Her buzzword generator is malfunctioning.

        But everyone knows that libertarianism and fascism go together like peas and carrots.

  16. Lackadaisical

    This is great and disturbing as usual. Thanks SF.

  17. l0b0t

    SugarFree, this was brilliant as always. Milley’s skirts was my favorite bit.

    I just got back from taking son to the pediatrician. A few years ago, their doc’s office was subsumed into a local hospital chain. On this visit none of the 4 regular MDs are there, just docs rotating in from the hospital out in Lawn Guyland. The 30 something year old smoothbrain we were forced to deal with was patently useless. Background – Monday son goes to school and throws up; I take him home and he is fine the remainder of the day. Tuesday, he goes to school and throws up 3 times (and a fourth while I’m picking him up). He seems fine for the remainder of the day but his mom gives him a ChiComPox test anyway, he is negative. His teachers think he is faking it. I’m doubtful, as his teachers this year are fucking nitwits who didn’t like his sister when they taught her 4 years ago. Also, I’ve been sick for 12 days now: sore throat, sinus congestion, very wet cough (no ChiComPox symptoms) except for Sunday when I couldn’t even hold down liquids. At the doc’s office, I relay all of this and he says “Well, right now, we just assume everyone has Covid until they prove otherwise. We’ll give the boy a Covid test and you all can go home. We’ll call you with the results and if its negative, he can go to school tomorrow.” Needles to say, the test is negative, but the boy does have, to my experienced dad eyes, some slight inflammation in his throat and nostrils. But he doesn’t have the ChiComPox so that’s that. Useless as tits on a boar hog, these modern Mengeles.

    • db

      I love the whole “if your son is really sick, as long as it’s not COVID, he’s free to go to school and infect his classmates with whatever that shit is.”

      • Urthona

        Even though that other shit is statistically more dangerous than Covid.

    • Sensei

      With apologies to our doctor Glibs – your generic GP is an expert at memorization and not much else. They match symptoms to the established flow chart and don’t really think. Classic book smart only.

      The good ones have the same flow charts memorized, but actually probe and ask pointed questions. They are the ones that make the “amazing” diagnosis because they decided to spend another minute with the patient and use their heads. They are rare and I’m thankful for them.

    • invisible finger

      “right now, we just assume everyone has Covid ”

      That’s some great doctoring right there.

      • Sean

        Science!

      • db

        I thought they always assumed lupus?

      • DEG

        So what you’re saying is, is that they don’t use WebMD?

      • Swiss Servator

        “WebMD says….cancer.”

    • Rebel Scum

      Well, right now, we just assume everyone has Covid until they prove otherwise.

      Look at me! I’m ‘doctor-ing’!

    • DEG

      Sorry l0b0t. I hope every gets well soon. And that you can find better doctors.

    • db

      They have to find out whether the shooter used hollow point bullets filled with extra hate.

      • DEG

        I’d expect that in Jersey but not in York County.

    • Rebel Scum

      To test for convid.

    • juris imprudent

      Not even Korean!

    • rhywun

      To see if he had the ‘vid.

    • Ghostpatzer

      He died of lead poisoning. No autopsy needed.

      • Swiss Servator

        Heart attack…9mm heart attack.

  18. grrizzly

    I have an annual physical scheduled in June, 6 months from now. Today I got a message from the doctor’s office that my appointment has to be rescheduled since the doctor will not be in the office, but will be doing virtual appointments.

    This is nuts. Why are they moving everything to virtual for the things that are supposed to happen in six months?

    • Tundra

      Money. They can see many more people this way. An already useless system is about to get worse.

      Find a cash-only functional doc. There appear to be many fleeing corporate medicine.

    • Ownbestenemy

      So do you spread your cheeks to the camera and shove a finger up your butthole?

      • Tundra

        Only for money.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Jack Murphy, is that you???

    • Rebel Scum

      Seems to me that a physical is best performed in person. But what do I know?

      We’d better ask Dr. Jill.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I mean, it is in the name of the procedure, but I am with you, what do we know?

    • Drake

      Hold your phone against your chest so he can hear your heart?

      • Rat on a train

        Now for a hernia check.

    • Ted S.

      This is nuts.

      How’s he going to cup your nuts to test for a hernia?

    • Ownbestenemy

      I really want them to go through with it. They are pushing to deny a private citizen from running for president when they have done nothing (at least haven’t been proven) that disqualifies them and then this. Try to invoke that amendment.

      • The Other Kevin

        “Stood idly by.” So if you were a Republican, and didn’t vociferously condemn this on Twitter loudly enough, you should be barred from holding office.

      • Rat on a train

        You must not only condemn, but also use the correct verbiage.

      • EvilSheldon

        Pounding the table is pretty much all they got…

    • The Other Kevin

      As CNN put it, they are asking voters “to punish Republicans who have either aided Trump’s anti-Democratic maneuvers or stood idly by as his allies took hold of the party” that day.

      At this point you might find more voters who think we’d be better off if that “insurrection” had succeeded.

      • Rat on a train

        “Do you want ants?”

      • Ownbestenemy

        Asking voters is one thing. Have at it. Elias is taking about invoking 14th Amendment, Section 3.

      • juris imprudent

        He can’t trust voters – so he has to make sure they only have Democrat-approved choices.

      • Ed Wuncler

        “No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?”

        That’s the modus operandi of the Modern Left.

    • kbolino

      Outlawing the Republican Party would be the best thing to happen to it since Lincoln got shot. All the grifters and beltway insiders would be forced to jump ship lest their paychecks get cut off. Naturally, this won’t happen, because the Republicans are the designated losers, more useful to keep around than get rid of, at least for now.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Outright outlawing yeah. But string up a handful with the Jan 6 committee? They would do that in a heartbeat.

      • kbolino

        Yeah, it’s Buckley denouncing the Birchers redux. This time the notion that the left gets to set the right’s standards is explicit.

      • juris imprudent

        No, the idiot fringe of Democrats believe it is better to have one single party, controlled of course by a cabal of left-wingers – for democracy!

      • kbolino

        This, they already have.

      • Ed Wuncler

        The Dems want a PRI situation where they had nearly 7 decades of power in Mexico. They don’t want to outlaw the opposition, they just want to make it harder for the opposition to win and fill the bureaucracy with their supporters.

      • kbolino

        Elaborating on my comment above, they’re already here.

        The Democrats control the civil service and have now for decades. They don’t have PRI levels of control over the political apparatus but that’s not very impactful because the political apparatus has been rendered mostly inert.

        One need only look at how the Republicans “fumbled” DHS into a Democratic hotbed to understand how they have completely lost. CIS, CBP, FEMA, ICE, TSA, and the USCG all under one umbrella. A natsec right-winger’s wet dream. Now almost entirely staffed by blue voters from NoVa and their AFL-CIO–unionized pets.

      • Ed Wuncler

        That’s why any President who even attempts to tame the civil service will get destroyed. Donald Trump who didn’t do much but was perceived as a threat, had the full weight of the civil service against him. You would think that the GOP leadership might have the sense to fight the civil service but won’t because it benefits them and gives them an out when they are required to make tough decisions.

      • ron73440

        I don’t think Ron Paul in his prime would be able to fight against all the bureaucrats and their petty fiefdoms.

      • Ed Wuncler

        You need a GOP Congress that was on board with gutting out the civil service but it’s more likely that I would get a BJ from a top tiered porn star.

      • kbolino

        Even the Dems cannot muster the power to do it, not that they would want to anymore. To get as much power as he had, FDR had to get rid of a lot of Democrats. From 1932–1938, as many Democratic seats turned over to new Democrats (169) as Republican seats turned over to Democrats (166).

    • juris imprudent

      Irish don’t binge drink, they have a very moderate consumption rate – it’s continuous.

      • Ownbestenemy

        They binge sober. That is the real danger.

    • Urthona

      I can foresee no negative consequences for this.

    • invisible finger

      You’ll know it’s bad when a Catholic resorts to Bushmill’s.

    • rhywun

      Ah, the wonders of socialized medicine.

      Here, citizen. Have some broccoli. Or else.

    • kbolino

      But why?

    • Sean

      No.

    • Not Adahn

      If it had a voice-changing feature, I could see buying one.

      Anton Ego from Ratatouille, s’il vous plait.

    • Rat on a train

      Vader mask or nothing.

      • Swiss Servator

        “You had a normal voice!”

        “I have altered my voice. Pray I do not alter it further!”

    • rhywun

      it’s the wrong move for a mask which people may opt to buy to feel a little more safe during a pandemic

      Oh fuck off.

      I congratulate them for their ability to separate stupid people from their money.

  19. Ghostpatzer

    We interrupt your regularly scheduled nutpunches for something completely different and totally SFW.

    Life imitates PornHub?

    • Ownbestenemy

      She isn’t that bad looking so I am assuming step-sister is smoking hot.

    • Sensei

      Waiting for the movie version.

      “I was going out to lunch with his mom because it was her birthday and I wanted to celebrate it with her,” said Copenhagen. “And that’s when the stepsister (a high school student named Ashley) sent me the SnapChat.”

    • juris imprudent

      Social media is the sewer of the human soul.

      • db

        cloaca populorum

    • Ownbestenemy

      I mean, he wasn’t banging his sister, just the step.

    • LCDR_Fish

      102 IBUs? F that noise.

    • db

      “Recommended for Invalids”

  20. pistoffnick

    “I’m clean, mean, and ready to party.”

    To quote one of my deer hunting buddies: “I’m waxed, vaxxed, and ready to climax!”

    • slumbrew

      “You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

    • Fourscore

      Good luck to your buddy, have him try Remer first, then Outing if he strikes out. Small gene pool in any case.

    • Urthona

      Not exactly the best choice. Goldfish are from Asia.

      • Ghostpatzer

        And I’m sure the CCP already has a monopoly on spice production. It’s looking grim.

      • slumbrew

        What you did there is seen.

      • Rat on a train

        Shootings are up in DC.

      • EvilSheldon

        Please, please don’t try to use a tampon as first aid for a gunshot wound…

    • db

      Might as well keep a bunch under your dresser…

      • Rat on a train

        Next to some mascara?

      • db

        This guy knows what I’m talking about

    • invisible finger

      They’ll try all sorts of bribery to increase attendance.

  21. Not Adahn

    Coming home from the park, there is a Sheriff’s car parked in the nosy neighbor’s driveway. Lily did not like it. I’m so proud of her.

    • Rat on a train

      That could get you arrested.

  22. Rebel Scum

    It’s only a flesh wound.

    Armor of a French soldier wounded by a cannonball at the battle of Waterloo in 1815 (which marked the end of Napoleon)

  23. Mojeaux

    I need to vent.

    In order to lose weight and feel good, I have to eat low-carb. However, all this meat and eggs are irritating my ulcers and now I’m just low-key nauseated. But! I am also hungry. I’m going to have to resort to chicken broth to stay on plan and not irritate my ulcers. I don’t know what protein shakes would do to me.

    Ulcers are scheduled to come out 2/22/22, but until then…

    ???

    • slumbrew

      That sucks. At least relief is in sight.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      I take it cheese or nut butter wouldn’t be any better.

      • Mojeaux

        Cheese is fine. I think peanut butter is fine, but I forgot we had some. Thanks!

    • Sean

      https://lovegoodfats.com/

      They make delicious things. I don’t know if they’re ulcer compatible.

      The bars are great. The nut bars are a tad chewy. Microwave them for ~15 seconds.

      • Mojeaux

        I have tried those, on your rec. I did not like them.

      • Sean

        Huh. Sorry.

        We go through a lot of them.

        We do these too: https://tastecando.com/

      • Gender Traitor

        I’m fond of the Atkins Protein Wafer Crisps (have only found in peanut butter flavor so far) and the Atkins Protein shakes. I get the Mocha Latte iced coffee ones, though I understand those may be verboten. Freeze just long enough to make them slushy. ?

      • LCDR_Fish

        I’ve seen a few different wafers now, but only tried the chocolate ones so far – not bad for “comparatively healthy” chocolate bars.

    • Tundra

      Sorry, that really sucks.

      As part of your recovery, it may be worthwhile testing your response to different carbs. I found that “safe” carbs were often way harder on me than the dangerous ones. Sweet potatoes spiked my glucose into the stratosphere while bananas did very little. There is no one size fits all in nutrition. From Robb Wolf:

      “You may want to roll me in honey and bury me in an ant hill for what I’m about to say, but here goes: What constitutes the “normal” or optimal feeding state for any given person varies. It depends on their genetics, stress levels, sleep status, exercise, gut health and of course, their food, both in terms of amount and type.”

      There are people that absolutely have to adhere to a keto or carnivore diet. Most other people can thrive with some variation. The hard part is figuring it out.

      • Mojeaux

        Well, I’ve done this before, but the last time I was successful was a loooooooong time ago. I am falling into those (good) habits but right now I can’t eat the way that was successful for me before. I’m even taking Protonix. I may have to take up with the Carafate again, but the way and frequency it’s dosed is quite burdensome.

        FWIW, I had a problem with beef (my faborite LC food) while I was pregnant both times.

        I just need to get through to Feb 22 without losing my damned mind.

      • Tundra

        i’ve found that my gut has changed over time. I used to eat a spinach salad for lunch every day – until I couldn’t anymore.

        Are you taking any supps? Any probiotics?

      • Mojeaux

        Just multivitamin and my normal meds, which include Protonix. This is all ulcer-related and I hope I can go back to what worked for me in my 30s.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Raw spinach is bad for one anyway, no? Oxalates.

      • Tundra

        It can be. That’s the point. We are all special snowflakes who change with time. Which makes it a motherfucker to find the best food combos.

    • LCDR_Fish

      Would have thought protein shakes would have been pretty mild on the ulcers comparatively speaking – I love the Atkins standard ones (esp all the new coffee themed ones).

      As far as the Atkins frozen meals, the Mongolian Beef (with riced cauliflower) and Beef Merlot (with broccoli) ones are amazing.

      I’ve been staying on soft stuff – soup, (non-low carb – ramen, etc) just to avoid irritating my mouth – it’ll be easier to get back on the date next week when I get back on the evening shift.

      • Mojeaux

        I’m going to get some protein powder when I take XY to work today. I may get an Atkins starter pack. Depends on carb count (and other sugar alcohols).

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        My mom’s new dentist sends her home with soft foods like noodle soup, applesauce, and Muscle Milk, which is kind but puzzling. Don’t they think she can choose her own groceries? Aren’t carbs what got her in the chair?

      • Mojeaux

        My dentist hands out homemade choco chip cookies after your visit. The first time, I was like, “Wait, what? A dentist’s office is giving out sugar?”

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ?‍♀️

  24. LCDR_Fish

    Well…looks like my gum graft is taking. One more follow-up next month to confirm. Will probably aim for another of these sometime this year.

    Driving round trip from Colonial Beach to Charlottesville and back – interesting. A LOT of trees down all over – really nuts in some areas. Road conditions really vary by county.

    Westmoreland County, Orange, Greene, Albemarle, Madison and Culpeper all did a great job on most of the roads that I drove on/observed. King George wasn’t quite as good. Stafford county had some issues – but wow. Spotsylvania county and Fredericksburg had a lot of issues getting the roads clean – even driving back hours later. The worst section was definitely route 3 between Fredericksburg and the Sheetz at the corner of Rte 20 and Rte 3. That had some really bad spots – although admittedly tracking on 511virginia.org last night, they were dealing with downed trees in the road until pretty late last night. Rte 3 is a major 4 lane road (2 lanes each way). Orange county did an amazing job on Rte 20 and the town roads, etc – most of which were smaller, less frequently used 2 lane roads.

    • Rat on a train

      What route did you use to get to Charlottesville? We normally use VA-208 to I-64, but that might not be good right now.

      I’m still waiting for VDOT to clear our roads in the Massaponax area. US-1 and US-17 are probably good, but many back roads are still not plowed. My family is staying with us to enjoy some electricity. South Spotsy is still a mess. The last time I checked Louisa county still has 80%+ without power.

      • LCDR_Fish

        The same one I *normally* do – 205 to 3 to 20 to 33 to 29.

        Granted, if I go to church, I go south on 15 in Orange instead of staying on 20 South – and head through Gordonsville on 231.

      • Rat on a train

        Ugh, Plank Road

      • LCDR_Fish

        I 64 looks clear on 511virginia.org but I didn’t really feel like taking that route (via 301).

  25. Rebel Scum

    The Democratic Party?

    As the one year anniversary of the Jan. 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol nears, there’s still a very clear and present threat to our democracy.

    • rhywun

      There is going to be an awful lot of butt-hurt in November. Do they even see it coming?!

      • Sensei

        Don’t underestimate the stupidity of the Republicans.

    • db

      Yeah, they say fascism is coming, but they can’t really see it because it’s overtaking them from behind while they look to their adversaries.

    • Rat on a train

      It is supposed to be a capitol D. Republicans are a threat to Democracy.

    • wdalasio

      Yeah, I’m supposed to be terrified of the threat to democracy posed by the party that isn’t holding political prisoners who may likely have been set up, demanding I have a drug injected into me on penalty of having my ability to earn a living ruined, colluding with massive corporations to silence anyone challenging their views, and conducting political purges in the military.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        ? ? ?

        (? ? ? and ? ?)

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        (uh, ?)

    • rhywun

      Please hit Washington. Beijing would be nice, too.