Joemala: Episode 54

by | Jan 12, 2022 | Joemala | 147 comments

 

Joe awoke in the hyperbaric chamber, the pure oxygen flooding his veins with fire, unused parts of his brain blossoming into semi-life.

“Where am I?” he asked, the external speaker crackling.

“You’re on Air Force One,” Kamala said, looming into his viewport. “You’re Joe Biden, the President of the United States and I am your Vice-President, Kamala Harris.”

“I know all of that, Jack,” Joe snapped. “I’m light-headed and woozy and I need a phosphate to settle my stomach.”

Kamala worked the controls on the side of the chamber and Joe smiled.

“That feels good,” he said, eyelids heavy and happy.

“Too much, too much,” Kamala muttered to herself and upped the methadrine flow.

“I need you sharp, Joe, real sharp,” she said into the microphone.

“Why? Why?” Beads of sweat stood out on his forehead.

“We going to Georgia, Joe.”

“The Devil went down to Georgia!” he astonished.

“It’s alright,” she cooed as she worked her phone.

 

 

“I taste metal and cold,” Joe whispered.

Kamala made the medication adjustment and frowned.

“He was looking for a soul to steal,” Joe said, tears welling up his eyes. He took a deep, rattling breath and coughed, blood-flecked septum splashing against the viewport.

“We are going on a Civil Rights walking tour, Joe,” she said.

“I know what’s good for the South, and good for the Negro and good for the Black in the South,” Joe said. “Superpredators. I have to protect them from themselves.”

“No, this is the voter turnout push, Joe,” she said and winced. “But don’t say that, of course.”

“Say what?”

“Historic, Joe. Voting Rights. Republicans bad.” Kamala bit her lip and sent a jolt of electricity through the reinforcement system.

“I was at Selma,” Joe said. “I was bitten by a firehose.”

The plane thunked and shuddered as the landing gear deployed.

“Fuck it, close enough,” she said as felt the plane begin to descend.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

147 Comments

  1. Old Man With Candy

    “Fuck it, close enough,”

    Fiction is realer than reality.

    • juris imprudent

      We make our own reality?

  2. db

    Are you on the side of Jefferson Davis? Bull Connor?

      • CPRM

        You mean, Democracy!?

      • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

        You mean Our Democracy.

      • juris imprudent

        That lives in the Great Temple of Democracy (just like it is labeled on the maps).

  3. Swiss Servator

    “I was at Selma,” Joe said. “I was bitten by a firehose.”

    Didn’t he actually say that?

    • WTF

      It does sort of seem like SugarFree is just transcribing events at this point, doesn’t it?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Again, I’ll point out that he uses dark arts to scry these tellings from the entrails of his interns.

        “He hath harnessed the shadows that stride from world to world to sow death and madness.”

      • mexican sharpshooter

        That’s not true. The pancreas harvesting rumors however are true,

      • db

        The sheer insulins of these blatantly false accusations is heartbreaking.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Don’t sugarcoat it.

      • db

        It just tears my gut out.

      • juris imprudent

        Shivers in memory of the story of the librarian of rare books.

    • CPRM

      No, Selma Hayek hit him with her pantyhose.

      • Tundra

        Lucky!

      • CPRM

        Turns out he was just watching Desperado, but he didn’t know the difference.

      • Bobarian LMD

        It’s good to be King President!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      No, it think it was “I fought off a firehose named Frosty Nozz with a rusty safety razor and a crabpot float.”

      • Bobarian LMD

        The firehose bit him while he was spraying it into the crowd?

  4. Rebel Scum

    “Fuck it, close enough,” she said as felt the plane begin to descend.

    Good enough for government work.

  5. Tundra

    “I know what’s good for the South, and good for the Negro and good for the Black in the South,” Joe said. “Superpredators. I have to protect them from themselves.”

    That’s his career in one sentence. Brilliant!

    • WTF

      He marched with Cornpop!

  6. Not Adahn

    v. mean indeed.

  7. DEG

    Kamala bit her lip and sent a jolt of electricity through the reinforcement system.

    Hmm… a shocker from a sex shop?

    “Fuck it, close enough,” she said as felt the plane begin to descend.

    Nice.

    • Tres Cool

      As I recall, The Shocker only requires 3 fingers. Unless Ive been doing it wrong.

      • Tres Cool

        Wow.
        That site is very….comprehensive.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Minimum. Minimum of three fingers.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Better? than the Shocker

  8. juris imprudent

    From the dead-thread (and LoveConstitution):

    Trump is going to blow any other Republican away in Primary. DeSantos might be good but he is untested outside Florida and Trump’s election will literally cause Lefties to go all Jonestown on themselves.

    You might recall that it wasn’t just lefties that Jonestowned themselves with Trump, so did a fair portion of the Republican Party. Or did you fail to notice that there was no grand Republican agenda in the 2017-18 timeframe? That Trump, and the Congress not really beholden to him, didn’t follow through on any of his campaign agenda? You think that would be any different a second time around?

    Enjoy the Democrats suffering in the coming mid-terms.

    • CPRM

      The motivation of every teen pregnancy, “This will piss X off!”, should never be a motivation for any mature adult.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Sometimes you just have to take what you can get, though.

    • DEG

      Or did you fail to notice that there was no grand Republican agenda in the 2017-18 timeframe?

      I noted the Establishment had an agenda:

      Fuck Trump.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        Pretty much. Kemp and McConnell intentionally handed GA to the Dems on a silver platter.

      • Raven Nation

        In 2018 or 2020? I’d say Trump deserves some blame for GA.

      • juris imprudent

        Yeah, that’s right – they were the ones telling Republicans not to vote, that it was no point. JFC

      • grrizzly

        I recall Trump having a campaign event with the two GA Republican candidates before their runoff election.

        Or are saying that not every Trump supporter was super enthusiastic about voting in the state that successfully fortified the presidential election just a few weeks earlier?

      • juris imprudent

        Ah you’re right, it was Powell and Wood who were making the pitch to not vote. Trump suffers because of that association.

  9. UnCivilServant

    Why do people use CAPSLOCK for shift?

    I run into it most with indian consultants. It only really annoys me when I have to do a shared screen session and they go and screw up my keyboard

    • Nephilium

      Because it’s like cruise control for COOL?

      • Old Man With Candy

        They are doing the needful.

      • Tres Cool

        Kindly

  10. Rebel Scum

    Awkward…

    “Do you want to be the side of Dr. King or George Wallace?

    In 1973, Biden bragged that Wallace considered him “one of the outstanding young politicians of America.” (He made up a story about winning a Wallace award.) In 1975: the “Dem Party could stand a liberal George Wallace”

    • WTF

      I’m pretty sure King’s desire that people be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin is considered racist now.

      • hayeksplosives

        That thought has occurred to me many times.

        If it were not such a famous quote, I’m sure it would be ascribed as racist if some random senator said it.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      From the federal guidance

      Link

      Specifically, the LEA plan must address the extent to which it has adopted policies, and a description of any
      policies, on each of the CDC’s recommendations on: universal and correct wearing of masks; modifying facilities to
      allow for physical distancing (e.g., use of cohorts/podding); handwashing and respiratory etiquette; cleaning and
      maintaining healthy facilities, including improving ventilation; contact tracing in combination with isolation and
      quarantine, in collaboration with the State, local, territorial, or Tribal health departments; diagnostic and screening
      testing; efforts to provide vaccinations to school communities; appropriate accommodations for students with
      disabilities with respect to health and safety policies; and coordination with State and local health officials.

      • invisible finger

        What a joke. Everybody just makes calls until they hit the right person that can authorize a check getting cut.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      I just received notice that my school is requiring boosters. I have just a single virtual class left this summer after 4 years of fulltime coursework and expenses.

      It’s enraging. I’m going to see if I can have the booster waived if I promise to never set foot on campus (wasn’t planning to anyways). Religious and medical exemptions are no longer accepted since I got the J&J.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The video goes even deeper. They’re claiming hospitals received financial incentives in excess of $300K per COVID patient early on in the pandemic. Seems to be sourced from this.

        https://www.beckershospitalreview.com/finance/state-by-state-breakdown-of-federal-aid-per-covid-19-case.html

        Below is a breakdown of how much funding per COVID-19 case each state will receive from the first $30 billion in aid. Kaiser Health News used a state breakdown provided to the House Ways and Means Committee by HHS along with COVID-19 cases tabulated by The New York Times for its analysis.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That money was dependent on following the NIH guidelines, of course.

        Now we all know why hospitals have been fighting ivermectin so hard.

      • Plisade

        A mass murderer behind every bush.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s an incredible morass of perverse incentives. 20% bonus for remdesivir, $50K bonus per patient over a certain number of admissions…

        Simply mind-boggling.

      • hayeksplosives

        Foreseeable consequences are not unintended.

      • WTF

        They literally killed people for money. I don’t see any other way to look at it.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s exactly what they did.

        Much like “Protect and Serve,” the Hippocratic Oath appears to be a total sham.

  11. slumbrew

    “I was at Selma,” Joe said. “I was bitten by a firehose.”

    Bravo.

  12. Rebel Scum

    “Calling out my lies is just politicizing the soyance.”

    Fauci Appears on CNN to complain about Sen. Rand Paul’s questioning.

    “It clearly is politically motivated. He’s raising money for his campaign by making me the villain, he calls me a polarizing figure”

    • Tres Cool

      I hope Preet is taking notes, because I mentioned it before. That narcissistic garden-gnome should be drawn & quartered, 1 limb at a time.
      Thanks to his BS predictions about HIV, he ruined the 80s-90s (and lots of raw sex) for me. Fuck Fauci.

    • Tres Cool

      I have no idea why, to me, Fauci sounds like Christopher Walken.
      I need another beer.

  13. UnCivilServant

    Oh for *bleep*’s sake.

    Now the DBAs are whining at me because one of their boxes that I’ve never had access to is down.

    Talk to datacenter hosting. They can push the button and reboot it. I can’t.

  14. rhywun

    In case you were wondering who was responsible for the maintenance of that building in the Bronx where a fire killed 19 people recently – nobody was.

    • UnCivilServant

      So Twin Parks would try a new approach, known as “scattered-site,” to integrate the project residents into the larger community:

      That explains those random needl-e like apartment buildings I see that jut out of the surrounding neighborhood with no rhyme or reason as to why they’d have a skyscraper among 3-4 story buildings.

      • rhywun

        That’s where the poor door is.

    • Ed Wuncler

      The residents’ attitudes toward the open space seem split. Lo-Yi Chan recalls that from the beginning people threw debris out of their windows, and it even had a name: “air mail.”

      This isn’t surprising because when someone doesn’t have a personal or monetary stake in something, they have no problem with wrecking it or letting it fall apart. All the taxpayer’s money can be thrown at solving poverty and it won’t mean a damn thing because the government is basically incentivizing people to not have a stake in anything which means that no one will be incentivized to maintain whatever they are given.

      • WTF

        We just need New Soviet Man and all will be Utopia!

      • Bobarian LMD

        Tragedy of the Commons 2: Pyrotechnic Boogaloo!

      • rhywun

        There is that, but I think there’s more to it.

        I pay rent in a six-story apartment building but nobody throws shit out the window here. *If* this behavior really is something that is common enough to earn a nickname as noted in the article… well, I hate to say it, but some folks just don’t know to behave.

      • Ed Wuncler

        It’s a hard truth. My parents live in a predominantly black neighborhood on the Southside of Chicago, and one thing I love about the our little area is that most of the people are either civil servants or professionals so they do what they can to maintain the neighborhood. But it is an uphill battle to maintain the neighborhood because there are some people who live there and who come in from other neighborhoods that gives no fucks and will throw trash or wreck shit.

        But that’s by design though. The policies of the Left over the past 50 years have been slowly taking any sort of accountability and ownership away from the black community and when you mix that with the government schools and programs that disincentives hard work and independence, you get shit like what happened in NYC or any inner city.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      So kind of like that building in the UK that burned a few years ago.

      • WTF

        For that one for a renovation they used a cheap cladding on the outside that was flammable in addition to the way it was installed causing a chimney effect which caused the entire building to go up in flames.

      • Tres Cool

        I was thinking insulation had a role too. But you’re right- it went up like a July 4th fireworks fountain.

      • Tres Cool

        “This was due to the building’s cladding and the external insulation, since the air gap between them enabled the stack effect. ”
        I was kinda right.

    • hayeksplosives

      That is depressing.

      The comments are a bit harsh but not inaccurate for the most part.

      • rhywun

        I don’t read the comments there even though I follow that site.

        Not that they’re especially bad or anything; I just don’t have that many hours in the day.

    • WTF

      You might think the Israelis would be a little more cautious about that sort of thing, given what happened in the 1930s and 40s.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They’ve always had a sense of duty to Israel that far exceeds our own “patriotism.”

        It was only a matter of time before it was exploited in such a way.

    • Rebel Scum

      This time the Jews are going to genocide themselves.

      • Tres Cool

        That would be quite the plot twist.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Now that’s self hating.

    • rhywun

      They’re not that far ahead of the bluest cities in the US, in terms of how tight the screws have been turned.

    • Rebel Scum

      That is why we urge you to take effective action against disinformation and misinformation

      I can only interpret this as the desire to have YT ban all MSM and 99% of politicians.

      • R C Dean

        See, I took it as the desire to ban everyone except MSM and 99% of politicians. Almost every example they give is information contrary to the Narrative.

  15. Ownbestenemy

    This seems a bit…chilling. Got to admit, it has me second guessing my religious accommodation request and what I will be entering into the system.

    https://www.federalregister.gov/documents/2022/01/11/2021-28135/privacy-act-of-1974-system-of-records

    CATEGORIES OF RECORDS IN THE SYSTEM:

    The employee religious exception request information and records may contain some or all of the following records: Religious accommodation requests, including Request for a Religious Exception to the COVID-19 Vaccination Requirement form, notes, religious affiliation, or records made during consideration of requests, and decisions on requests. These records may contain general personal data, including but not limited to the employee’s, detailee’s, contractor’s, consultant’s, intern’s, applicant’s or volunteer’s name, date of birth, religion, alias, home address, telephone number, age, and email address, telephone number, job title, email address, work address, and program office to which the employee is assigned.

    • Sean

      This seems a bit…chilling.

      That’s the point.

      • hayeksplosives

        Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof

        Congressshall make no law….

        Unelected bureaucrats with pens and phones, on the other hand…

      • db

        I’m getting more and more curious about what exactly the SCOTUS is doing with regard to the mandate cases in front of it…

      • UnCivilServant

        If they can’t punt, they’ll fail their duty.

      • db

        I just think it’s interesting that both parties in both cases claimed immediate action was necessary (either affirm or overturn the mandate authority) and SCOTUS is taking plenty of time. Could it be they’ll string it out to a real decision in a few months? What happens to the mandates in the interim? The two cases are from opposite sides: the OSHA case is coming to the SCOTUS as a challenge against an overturning of an anti-mandate decision by a lower court, and the Medicare/Medicaid case is a challenge by the government against a successful overturning of a mandate.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Drag it out, find a way to kick it back down to the 6th and hope they ‘rule’ correctly so they can’t be arsed with it

      • db

        At this point, I’d hope that SCOTUS would have the balls to make a real ruling. The current political climate makes it really unlikely that an attempt by Biden to pack the court would be successful, and it would almost certainly be received badly by independents, which he desperately needs in November.

      • DEG

        Tomorrow is an opinion day according to the calendar at SCOTUS blog.

        I haven’t seen any news in public places. Someone on a anti-lockdown/anti-mask mandate group I’m on on facebook claims to have an inside source that a ruling will come tomorrow. I’m taking that with a grain of salt, though there is an opinion day tomorrow.

        We’ll see.

      • Urthona

        Ok. In the meantime, millions of Americans are dying in the streets because they won’t approve the Biden vaccine mandate that was based on now debunked science.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Jeff Childers (coffee and covid) said a SCOTUS clerk reached out to him to make a procedural amendment to his amicus brief. Evidently this is highly irregular and would point to an opinion being so imminent that such things didn’t get passed through the usual channels.

      • grrizzly

        https://twitter.com/Leftylockdowns1/status/1481287265338937349

        Word is that we’ll have decisions on OSHA and CMS vaccine mandate cases tomorrow. OSHA mandate is likely to be struck down, albeit possibly w/ a concurrence allowing Biden admin to try to formulate a narrower rule that SCOTUS finds more palatable, & CMS mandate will prob stand.

      • Ownbestenemy

        “We aren’t making it a law, we are just gathering potentially hundreds of thousands of records to keep them safe”

        I get confused on these though – is it just the Court Services and Offender Supervision Agency? Or will all executive branch agencies utilize this? Reading it is is just that agency. Our agency created an inhouse repository, so I already knew they would be keeping my data.

  16. hayeksplosives

    I love the Fauci text message bit.

    Nicely done overall, as usual Sir!

  17. Rebel Scum

    “We can’t win a fair election.”

    SEN. SCHUMER admits that nuking the Senate is just about Democrats winning elections:

    “They’re saying things like ‘I’ll lose my election if the legislature is allowed to do this in my state’”

    “We’ll lose our majority”

    • The Other Kevin

      Campaigning used to be about satisfying to your own base, but also convincing people who are independent or on the other side they they should vote for you. But now anyone who disagrees with the Democrats are the enemy, insurrectionists, white supremacists, etc. So this is all they have.

      • hayeksplosives

        They are treading on thin ice with the labeling of non-Democrat voters.

        Hillary lost largely because she called half the nation “deplorable.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      $10.18/lb for chicken?

      Holy moly…

    • Ownbestenemy

      Oh good lord! This is why I buy whole chickens now. Usually 5 at a time and butcher the pieces I want. Makes the chicken ~$.89-$.99/lb.

      • hayeksplosives

        I assume it is a temporary shortage. Normally the shelves here are well-stocked, even though we are a “rural” community. Most other meat pieces are up over last year, but that was ridiculous.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      Stop your complaining. You should be thankful. Those high prices just show how strong the economy is. Praise Biden!

      • hayeksplosives

        I wonder if the folks celebrating their minimum wage hike to $15/hr (California) are now puzzled why they are still struggling to get by.

      • Bobarian LMD

        McDonalds new $15 Value Menu!

    • The Other Kevin

      I know they have almost all the media on their side, but there’s a limit to the number of people you can convince that water isn’t wet.

    • Gender Traitor

      I’ve seen chicken coops at Sam’s Club within recent memory.

      Just sayin’.

      • Tres Cool

        Ive thought about keeping a few here at the Palatial 2X-Wide™ for the AIGS and occasional Sunday dinner.

    • robodruid

      As someone who has 150 + chickens, one pregnant mini cow, 10+ sheep.
      It does take some time.
      I love it

    • robodruid

      As someone who has 150 + chickens, one pregnant mini cow, 10+ sheep.
      It does take some time.
      I love it

      • Tres Cool

        So nice, you said it twice.

      • Rebel Scum

        Those chicken prices are nuts.

    • JaimeRoberto (shama/lama/ding dong)

      Those prices are crazy. You’re really getting screwed by Big Meat.

  18. Ownbestenemy

    Its brisket prep day. Gotta do some trimming and then wrap it for a day. Then for the long smoke. No occasion, I just want to smoke some meat.

    • Tres Cool

      Phrasing ? Are we even doing that anymore ?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Men are allowed to say we like to play with our meat.

      • Tres Cool

        I beat my dick so much, it thinks Im Chris Brown.

      • SugarFree

        “I beat my meat like it owes me money.”

      • Tres Cool

        “Like it stole my bike”

      • juris imprudent

        “like it’s my red-headed step-child.”

      • Sean

        Whelp, that got out of hand quickly.

      • rhywun

        Slippery when wet

      • Tundra

        Lol.

        You People never disappoint.

      • Zwak, All dressed up in his ridiculous seersucker suit

        Life is hard and then you beat it.

    • Ted S.

      How fat is that woman?

  19. hayeksplosives

    I’m in an all-day design review (dialed in from home).

    Why do people still use the term “view graph”? It sounds hokey AF.

  20. wdalasio

    That Trump, and the Congress not really beholden to him, didn’t follow through on any of his campaign agenda? You think that would be any different a second time around?

    Honestly, at this point, I don’t know. At this point, I’m mostly concerned about not living under an authoritarian regime targeting me as a subversive or suspect. I really didn’t see anything coming out of Donald Trump doing that. And the GOP establishment was happy enough to let the authoritarians have free rein. I believe, even if only for his own self-preservation, a re-elected Donald Trump is going to try to undermine their authority. Maybe DeSantis is a better means to that end. But, I could see why someone may voice doubts.

    • juris imprudent

      How about instead of fixating on the president, thus perpetuating that cult of personality, we think more about someone who’s election we have a lot more say in? Like your Congressional representative – every two years, like clockwork. Throw some wrenches into the perpetual incumbency. Don’t even have to wait for the next presidential election!

      • Tundra

        I agree. Every freedom we’ve seen exercised happened via action on a local level.

      • hayeksplosives

        Unfortunately many of the most outrageous power grabs that were made in the name of Covid were executed by unelected officials like county health commissioners or state medical blah blahs we didn’t even know existed until 2020.

        How do we hold those types accountable?

      • db

        I’ve been voting in every election I had the opportunity to for nearly 30 years and I pay just as much attention to congressional representatives. The choices are still controlled by the establishment parties. In order to have any control in the system that surrounds us, it seems one has to actually run for office, or at least become active in a major party. Few of us have the time or, frankly, the stomach for that.

      • db

        I’m not arguing that focusing on the President is correct, but imagining that you have any control over this careening short bus is insane.

      • R C Dean

        I’m done with electoral politics for the foreseeable. The Dems are execrable, the Repubs are useless at best. I see no movement in a direction I want from any politician blessed by the national parties, with vanishingly few exceptions.

        And electoral politics is largely irrelevant to our true rulers in the administrative state and the various oligarchs (other than as a convenient clearinghouse for graft).

        The options are fight, submit, withdraw. I’m withdrawing.

      • hayeksplosives

        I’m still going to vote, and I’ll still end up voting R most of the time.

        The most important thing I can do in my local non-town is vote to make sure it stays unincorporated so we can continue being as free as possible.

        Nevada gained a new US congressional district due to the 2010 census. The map of the districts as they will be implemented in 2023 shows that they drew the districts in such a way that no fewer than 3 of our total of 4 CDs include a slice of the Las Vegas metro, thus making them Democrat-dominated by default! I’d like to see all of Vegas divided into 2 CDs only, and not overlapping into the vast rural and small towns that make up vast areas of land.

        https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nevada%27s_congressional_districts

        Most of Nevada is deep red, but Vegas has the usual city disease and wants more government handouts.