Ode to SEA SMITH

by | Mar 18, 2022 | Cryptids, Music | 234 comments

Dear The Powers That Be,

Enclosed please find the third and final[1] installment of my series on Cryptid supplication. As usual if you would run this by His Monsterousness prior to publication I’d appreciate it. I own a boat and do venture forth on the surface of the waters and I’d really like to avoid trouble of the “AND BY TROUBLE MEAN” sort.

With Much Grovelling,

Richard

 

— • —

 

Row, row, row your boat.
Gently down the stream.
Snap! Glug, glug, glug.
SEA SMITH is not a meme.

Row, row, row your boat.
Gently down the stream.
Snap! Glug, glug, glug.
SEA SMITH just broke your beam.[2]

Row, row, row your boat.
Gently down the stream.
Snap! Glug, glug, glug.
Your orifice is ream(ed).

Row, row, row your boat.
Gently down the stream.
Snap! Glug, glug, glug.
No one can hear you scream.

Row, row, row your boat.
Gently down the stream.
Snap! Glug, glug, glug.
He’s a nightmare not a dream.

 

— • —

 

Footnotes:

[1] “But what about SPACE SMITH,” I hear you cry. Don’t be ridiculous. SPACE SMITH doesn’t exist. I mean, consider the existence of the asteroid belt and hope like hell that SPACE SMITH doesn’t exist.

[2] A surprisingly large number of gun collections have been lost this way.

About The Author

Richard

Richard

234 Comments

  1. AlexinCT

    OK, I get the message….. Sea Smith is looking for date night..

    • Richard

      Woo-hoo! The coveted Friday evening time slot! Always an honor.

      I’d like to thank my agent, my parents, The Powers That Be, and, of course, SEA SMITH, without whom none of this would be possible.

      • TARDis

        Ok, which one of the drunken PTB are you? Friday evening time slot is for losers, what with all the zooming going on.

        Nice poem though. Glug glug indeed.

      • rhywun

        Some of us winners prefer the written word.

      • Ted S.

        ^^^
        THIS.

      • MikeS

        #metoo

        But, I gave in and joined the Zoom for something to do.

      • rhywun

        I’ve enjoyed it sometimes but it’s quite demanding of one’s attention. I need to multitask.

      • MikeS

        It helps when a few people do all the talking.

      • Brochettaward

        I wonder who those or rather…that person could be….

        But they don’t really exist because I’m not there. For the world is but an illusion, a canvas upon which I First.

      • Mojeaux

        Me too, but I play simple games like Jewel Quest or solitaire.

      • Chafed

        Rhywun gets it.

      • Richard

        No P at all, although I will admit to D. I’m shooting for the site’s highest article/comment ratio. It would help is TPTB would actually publish it.

      • R.J.

        You’re doing alright with 133 right now. When Bethannica was on with me, we got to 450 ish for one post on Thursday. It helps to have a post partner.

      • Mojeaux

        Friday evening time slot is for losers, what with all the zooming going on.

        I have before proposed that there be no Friday evening time slot because they are not well attended and so makes the author of the post feel bad.

      • Animal

        *Belches loudly*

        *Waved a drunken thumbs-up*

      • MikeS

        I get the allure, but it is frustrating that all these Glibs are ignoring the site.

        And yet, I gave up and joined.

      • Mojeaux

        it is frustrating that all these Glibs are ignoring the site.

        How many people are out doing fun things on Friday and Saturday nights and ignoring the site AND the Zoom? If I didn’t have to work, I’d be out with my husband.

      • MikeS

        Are you arguing with me just to argue?

        Before the Zoom, people would be on here typing words if they were free. Now some of them don’t because they say words out loud on Zoom.

      • Mojeaux

        Are you arguing with me just to argue?

        No. I just think there shouldn’t be a Friday night or Saturday night post, the way there isn’t one on Sunday.

      • MikeS

        I just wish people Zooming would pay even passing attention to the site.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        I only type on the zoom. And I only type on the Friday evening post.

      • MikeS

        For some reason I can’t get this drilled into my thick skull…why are you on perma-mute?

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        Distrust of both Zoom (Chinese ties) and you reprobates (also possible Chines ties). Also I can’t get zoom to work with the headset and camera that I have.

      • MikeS

        Isn’t Cirrus Chinese owned?

      • MikeS

        Shit. I’m not normally a doxxer.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        No worries, I have doxxed myself here several times. (see upcoming articles)

        Yes, Cirrus is owned by a Chinese company who is owned by a Chinese company who is owned by the Chinese military and it causes me endless amounts of agony.* I have chosen my daughter’s and my son’s tuition over my morals. Fortunately the daughter graduates in a year and the son graduates in 3 years. I hope to have saved a significant amount of “FUCK You” money by then.

        *I have met many wonderful Chinese people in my previous job and this job. I have no problem with them. It is their government I have a problem with.

      • rhywun

        Cirrus, like, the banking network? *clueless*

        I’ve been to China and the people were amazing. I feel so bad for them.

      • MikeS

        Airplane company

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        No Cirrus, the aircraft company. https://cirrusaircraft.com/.

        If I had Elon Musk type of money, I would buy them and make them private, It would make my job infinitely easier.

        Alas I have no where near that money.

      • tripacer

        Airplanes with parachutes

      • rhywun

        My current company went private after they canned me for no good reason and re-hired me recently.

        So much better.

      • rhywun

        *before* they rehired me

        I need another drink

      • rhywun

        Or just make it an open post.

        It’s not like that many people are zooming; I’ve never seen more than ten or so at one time. Usually it was five or six when I was on.

      • MikeS

        17 right now

      • Chafed

        Good luck getting a word in.

      • MikeS

        I barely did. Even now down to 7 it’s tough.

      • R.J.

        I would have zoomed for the first time in a long time if it weren’t for this never ending, purgatory road trip. I haven’t said hello in a while.

      • Tundra

        I only had a couple minutes to talk, but it was great.

        We are all lucky to have all this insanity.

    • Sean

      You people are weird. I like that.

      Good mornin.

  2. Yusef drives a Kia

    Umm,
    Tall Cans?

  3. Richard

    And edits too! Making for a more perfect article. Thank you my unknown benefactor.

    • Zwak,The Baddest Johnny on the Apple Cart

      Beam is a measurement of the width of a boat.

      Just thought you might want to know.

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        I most certainly am not.

  4. Richard

    Is anyone here of an age where you remember 1970’s PBS kid shows?

    Zoom zoom zooma zoom!
    We’re gonna zooma zooma zooma zoom!
    Come on give it a try!
    (something something something)* Why!
    We’re going to teach you to fly! High!
    Come on and zoom!
    Come on and zoom zoom!
    Come on and zoom!
    Come on and zoom zoom!
    (audio fade)

    * I really suck at understanding song lyrics and I never could figure out what these words were.

    Of course multiple generations of the Zoom show opening lyrics are well documented on the Internet. What I find fascinating is that none of them have any resemblance to what I just typed. From this I conclude that I have the only clear memory and everyone else is just making it up.

    It has not escaped me that my memory of the lyrics is something that a drug dealer might tell you at a party.

    • R.J.

      That is shockingly historically accurate!

    • rhywun

      Send a SASE to something something Boston Mass 02134.

      • Richard

        I just now got this. LOL!

    • tripacer

      3-2-1 CONTact
      It’s the reason
      it’s the answer
      That everything happens
      CONTACT

      • MikeS

        The Bloodhound Gang was a favorite of mine as a kid.

      • tripacer

        Me too. I have at least 2 late 80’s 321Contact magazines around here somewhere. I still reference Mathnet from Square One TV almost weekly when I’m troubleshooting airplane mechanical troubles. “Let’s play, “What do we Know?””

    • The Gunslinger

      Well you know my name is Simon
      And the things I draw come true…

      • rhywun

        Best part of Cap’n Kangaroo.

      • MikeS

        I remember watching the Cap’n, but I don’t remember Simon

      • rhywun

        I looked it up. Apparently it really was a British import with the original narration dubbed by the Cap’n. I don’t remember any narration; I just remember the drawerings.

      • rhywun

        And the tune, of course.

      • MikeS

        And cheeky monkey’s, I assume?

      • rhywun

        That came later.

    • Chafed

      That’s the way I remember it. I hated that show and that song.

    • R.J.

      FISH GOOD FRIEND OF SEA SMITH. DO ZARDOZ WORK TEACHING PENIS IS EVIL

      • Richard

        LOL!

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      ‘Tis rumored there will be a special guest!

      I swear, if it’s Tonio in a leprechaun costume, I’m going to demand a refund!

    • R.J.

      When does it start?

      • MikeS

        37 minutes ago

      • Brochettaward

        If The Bro isn’t there, did it ever really start?

        No. The answer is no.

      • Richard

        You firsted my of my earlier articles. I was annoyed at the time but then I came to understand that it was my life’s finest achievement. And no-one will ever know.

      • MikeS

        ?

  5. rhywun

    I mean, consider the existence of the asteroid belt and hope like hell that SPACE SMITH doesn’t exist.

    Thanks for the nightmare fuel. ?

  6. Richard

    If I was one of the TPDB the refund evalutation committee would be composed of STEVE SMITH, ZARDOZ, and SEA SMITH. Perhaps you should just continue to pay the monthly fees like the rest of us.

    • Richard

      That was supposed to be a reply to trshmnster. I’m not threading good.

  7. Richard

    Of course an article like this involves extensive research. Did you know that there are many verses to Row, row, row your boat? I didn’t.

    • UnCivilServant

      Well, you need to get your triremes to Troy somehow, And filling the time with song is about as good as you can hope for.

      • Ted S.

        I’m not certain I want to send triremes up the Hudson.

      • UnCivilServant

        Then what? Carry them overland and route down the Mohawk?

      • rhywun

        Too many New Yorkers tonight. What the hell.

      • rhywun

        Speaking of which, there was some fun convo during one of the many interminable meetings I had today, where everyone was bitching about taxes, even my crazy boss-boss in Texas. I was the only New Yorker on the line, so I got to play the put-upon victim.

      • Ted S.

        We have the good sense not to be on the Zoöm.

      • MikeS

        I typically wouldn’t say you are correct, but you are correct. There is currently a heated discussion about whether Star Wars is Science Fiction or Fantasy.

      • MikeS

        Oh…now it got better.

      • Ted S.

        Eddie Muller would say it’s noir.

      • Lackadaisical

        ‘I typically wouldn’t say you are correct, but you are correct. There is currently a heated discussion about whether Star Wars is Science Fiction or Fantasy.’

        History, obviously.

        ‘Oh…now it got better.’

        Tig ol’ biddies?

      • rhywun

        Tig ol’ biddies?

        Guessing Q has that covered below.

      • MikeS

        Eddie Muller can’t say three sentences without saying “Noir”.

      • Ted S.

        Tig ol’ biddies?

        Are they Mike S’s titties?

      • MikeS

        Don’t be jelly, Ted’s

      • Gustave Lytton

        Eddie Muller would take 30 minutes of rambling to get to that point.

      • Hyperion

        It’s bitties.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        There are NO titties that I would turn down.*
        I am drawn toward the big uns, but as I learnt in my first marriage, Biggus tittius don’t necessarily make make a pleasant life.
        Henceforth I am a universitarian regarding titties. I love ALL the titties.

        *well I would turn down MikeS and Kissinger and Mr. Moobs*

  8. Richard

    I gotta go. My Internet access is literally running out on me.

    The Zoom party must be sump’tin. No doubt there’ll be a vauge, hazy description by tomorrow morning.

  9. hayeksplosives

    I’m currently on the One True Timezone visiting family, but I’m dead tired after last night’s shenanigans and they have all gone to bed too, so I don’t want to wake them up by talking loudly into my laptop pc on Zoom.

    I shall read the comments and go to bed as soon as my wine is finished.

  10. Hyperion

    WHY EVEYONE TALK ABOUT SEA? SPACE > SEA!

    • hayeksplosives

      Speaking of space, I received this message from a colleague via text (no citation):

      Interesting development on the ISS. The new Russian crew that just docked today are wearing bright yellow outfits with blue stripes. Not 100% sure, but it’s probable this is a massive fuck you to Putin ? Well, not much he can do about it. Hopefully he’ll catch a bullet before these dudes return, or it could get awkward for them.

      • Hyperion

        I just hope that activism has not spread to space, it’s horrible enough as a terrestial phenomenon.

      • R.J.

        Maybe they weee colorblind and wanted to do yellow with black stripes to honor Bruce Lee from “Enter the Dragon.” That could get awkward later.

  11. Hyperion

    Anyone on here still awake, you geriatric sidewalk rollers?

    • MikeS

      No.

      • Hyperion

        lying sidewalk rollers.

    • pistoffnick the refusnik

      I ain’t rollin’, I pimpin’!*

      *not really, I don’t believe in slavery*

      • AlexinCT

        The love of a pimp is very different than that of a square, yo.

    • Hyperion

      I just had a question for some of you experts. Earlier today, Tulip mae a commment that referred to that movie ‘Slingblade’. I realized that I have never watched that. Anyone have any idea where I can stream that? It’s not available on Netflix or Amazon.

      • Chafed

        HBO Max or Amazon Prime.

      • Hyperion

        Shit, I don’t want a sub for HBO.

      • Hyperion

        I mean that sucks. I’d pay $20 to just watch the film now. Am I living in a simulation of the former Soviet Union or what?

      • Hyperion

        Not available on Prime.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        I like them French fried ‘taters.

        I like a nice Bush.

    • rhywun

      Barely. It’s been a rough week.

      • Hyperion

        I know, this week is fucked up, right? I have 3 days 2x a year besides my vacation and sick days, and what they call floating holidays, and those 3 days I have to take or lose them, they can’t accrue. So anyway, I only had one left and took it today because I just could not deal with more shit in one week. And even my wife took this afternoon off and she NEVER misses work, I mean not ever.

      • rhywun

        It doesn’t help that my boss has been out for a week and a half and I have to interact much more with my crazy boss-boss who I am normally shielded from thank god because he is such a crazy micromanager and stop calling me all the time dammit.

      • Hyperion

        Ugh… I feel for you on that one. I normally enjoy being shielded most of the time as well.

  12. Zwak,The Baddest Johnny on the Apple Cart

    Damnit. I am going out of town tomorrow for 3-4 weeks. I have been planning it for months, hotels are booked, other people’s schedules are part of this. And wouldn’t you know it, but part of an electrical circuit in the house has gone out. I hate leaving stuff like this to the wife, but she is telling me to go, enjoy my trip. I feel guilty about leaving, grateful I have a wonderful wife, stressed about the house now, happy I have plenty of money to pay an electrician, irritated because I am pretty good with electricity (up to 460VAC), and eager to put this behind me.

    Fuck.

    • pistoffnick the refusnik

      *Not willing to deal with much above 120 VAC*

      *saw a guy killed in China with high voltage, granted there was a puddle of water involved and lax safety features…*

      • UnCivilServant

        This reaffirms my biases regarding chinese industry.

      • Hyperion

        Amazon will now cancel you.

    • hayeksplosives

      Maybe send a trusted neighbor or friend to hang out with her when the electrician comes out to make sure she doesn’t get fooled/financially swindled and is safe?

      • Gender Traitor

        …or, if you don’t trust any of your neighbors or friends, leave her with a taser?

      • hayeksplosives

        I’m thinking the “swindle” odds are much much greater than the physical threat odds.

        Kind of like when a woman takes her car to the shop vs when a man does. The unscrupulous guys assume she’s an easy mark and try to sell all kinds of unneeded repairs and maintenance. If a dude is around, they don’t usually try.

      • Zwak,The Baddest Johnny on the Apple Cart

        I am completely confident in this electrician, Mike. I have used him a few times, and he trusts my work well enough to sign off on shit for me when I do new work. So no issues there, but I just hate leaving this up to her. Not that she is incompetent or anything, she is sharp as a tack but she has a full-time career. It’s kinda like whenever I cook, she will walk up, stir the pot and add some spices. Not because I cannot cook, but she simply cares more than I do.

        Does that make sense?

  13. Trigger Hippie

    Deep Thoughts by Jackoff Handy:

    I smoke weed. Four days ago my financial situation reduced me to scraping for resin. While doing so I decided to forgoe smoking before sleep. Bad idea. I forgot how vivid, nightmarish, fucked up my dreams can be without the Devil Weed.

    … I’m a single man. Haven’t been in a serious relationship with a woman in over five years. After such a span of time one’s sexual urges tend to…go sideways. After what I precieced as a particularly(yet perfectly legal) odd disire this week I kinda sorta woke up around 5am, then fell into that weird not quite awake yet not fully asleep zone.

    I looked to my lower left field of vision. There squatting before me was my mirror image bathed in the absence of light. Not dark skinned or dark hued, Just the sins of me staring back me. We all have the inherent Flight or Fight reflex…my Night Terror response to that dream was to grab my Sin/Ego by the head and throat and scream “FUCK OFF!!” before pleading to the God I’m kinda sympathetic towards to helpe save me from myself….

    Haven’t felt the least bit lustful since then. I’m not saying there’s a god willing to forgive and transfer my most shameful urges towards itself for the sake of my soul. Just saying I’m grateful for this brief respitefrom lust. Hell, I’m damn near looking forward to the day my balls shrivel up and die. One less thing to worry about.

    • pistoffnick the refusnik

      Three years for me. I’m sorry for your (and my) plight.

    • Hyperion

      Drugs are bad, mmkay?

    • hayeksplosives

      You successfully resisted a succubus, or Lilith.

      Good on you.

    • groat scotum

      I have a small baggy of weed dad gave me because he doesn’t smoke. He was given it by a renter as thanks for snaking a pipe. The thing is, I don’t smoke, either. I’ve smoked, and I’ve enjoyed smoking, but I don’t own any of the paraphernalia. So I have a small bag of pot and no idea how to consume it.

      • Hyperion

        The ‘smoking’ thing may be a clue. I mean you can roll it up in a paper… well, probably not and I bet you don’t have a pipe. You can bake it in some brownies, but if it’s not really good it won’t do anything to you. Get a friend to give you a pipe or roll you up one.

      • groat scotum

        I mean that’s the thing, it’s always been a drug I’ve enjoyed being passed around. Somebody else lays the infrastructure, I enjoy the benefit.

        Actually, I’m that way about cigarettes. I love taking smoke breaks with smokers when we’re out drinkinig. I love smoking down an inch of cigarette. But I’ve never been a smoker, I don’t buy packs, I find the habit repellant.

        I’d be lying if I said I don’t enjoy walking through a cloud of secondhand, though.

      • pistoffnick the refusnik

        love smoking down an inch of cigarette.

        The last few inches of a cigar are the best for me. It’s fire, and heat and rawness. Perfection.

      • Hyperion

        When I smoked weed, I was sort of like I am with alcohol. I’d enjoy doing it with others, but if no one else wanted to, that didn’t stop me from doing it alone. Smoking is bad for your health, so I’d highly recommend vaping it instead. Cooking it will work if it’s really good, but I’ll warn you, it will really fuck you up, lol.

      • rhywun

        Somebody else lays the infrastructure, I enjoy the benefit.

        That’s my drug experience, too.

      • groat scotum

        I have three very memorable experiences smoking weed: One, I’m smoking with my girlfriend and my brother. My brother didn’t especially like my girlfriend, but was humoring me. I come up with a half dozen really clever app ideas that somebody should totally create. She was a coder.

        Second time: I was very drunk and had smoked weed from the aquamarine glass pipe my brother kept. It was a very lonely, very insecure time of my life, and so I found myself curled up and a little feverish, trying to get some sleep before work the next day. I was tracking moonlight across my bed. I convinced myself it’s a tether to rescue me from the infinite recursive spiraling black hole of consciousness I was falling into. The moonlight was my totem, and if I stayed within it I was safe.

        The third time was pretty tame, and was only a few years ago. I smoked some and found myself sliding down the stucco wall, trying very hard to not pass out.

        Actually, a fourth time: my girlfriend (the same one in story 1) and I smoked at a party. We found a guest bedroom and passed the fuck out. She was a veteran smoker and I was not, so I can only assume my lethargy infected her.

      • Hyperion

        I can relate as I have 3 memorable experiences of it as well. The first time, I think I was 17, I smoked it with a couple of older friends, we were in one of their rooms at their home and listening to Blue Oyster Cult and the song was Wings Wetted Down. It was a fantastic experience for me. After that, we went downstairs in his parent’s home, they had retired for the evening and we watched the movie ‘Creature from the Black Lagoon’. I don’t remmeber ever laughing that much in my entire life.

        I think that led to my next remembered experience, I got sort of addicted to weed. I remember I’d wake up in the middle of the night at like 4am and fire up a pipe I left on my nightstand filled with weed. I’d do this every night, I’d smoke like 5-6 times a day.

        The 3rd experience I remember, I was probably about 21 years old, I had some very good quality weed and I was watching the video Jazzing in Bluejeans by David Bowie. After that I guit weed and never used it again.

      • groat scotum

        That is a deep cut. I’m not BOC spelunker by any means but this is long lost

      • Hyperion

        I can still remember it, we were smoking this weed, my friend said it was Vietnamese and I wasn’t feeling anything and he said ‘Don’t worry, that’s normal, but you’ll probably feel this because it’s really good’, and we were listening to this BOC album and like all of the sudden I’m high. It’s hard to describe. Like my wife has never smoked weed and she asked me what it’s like and I really cannot decribe it, it’s nothing like alcohol, it’s a totally cebebral thing.

      • groat scotum

        The funny thing is dad was a colossal smoker in his day… he quit when the pressure of having kids and a wife and home to look after got too much. So he gives it to me, who has none of those worries, and I don’t smoke.

      • CatchTheCarp

        You mean you never smoked weed from a cardboard tube with an aluminum foil screen?

    • rhywun

      over five years

      LOL beginner

  14. hayeksplosives

    Linguistic pet peeve of the day:

    Misuse of the word decimate.

    The Romans used to punish a group of soldiers who’d failed badly or mutinied or conspired to treason by choosing one tenth of the group by lot, then having the remaining 9/10th of their comrades execute them. This was an effective deterrent, as no soldier wanted to be on either end of that situation.

    Nowadays “decimate” is used in place of “devastate”, “greatly reduce”, “overwhelm”, or even “obliterate” (which is absolute).

    When I read that a particular animal species or group or whatever has been “utterly decimated “ I think “10% isn’t so bad.”

    Just learn some vocabulary, people.

    “My, you look eloquent tonight.”

    ?

    • MikeS

      Kinda like people assuming the modern definition of “stoic” defines “Stoicism”.

      /drunk

      • Tundra

        ^^^

    • rhywun

      Meanings change, or multiply. Doesn’t faze me, and you can’t stop it.

    • UnCivilServant

      That’s the problem with language – the vulgate drifts.

    • straffinrun

      I only left a 10% tip and the waiter was decimated.

      • straffinrun

        Or

        Instead of calling it “circumcision”, let’s call it “decimation”.

      • Tres Cool

        I don’t remember my circumcision but I know it hurt like hell.
        I couldn’t walk for a year!

    • groat scotum

      Dubious.

      I’ve always read that as an adverb for being doubtful. Someone is dubious of something.

      Something might be done dubiously.

      But as an adjective, it always bugs me. And I’m not sure I’m being needlessly picayune or if my reasoning is in fact dubious.

      The parcel is not dubious, it lacks the cognitive capacity to be dubious, it may be a suspicious parcel, but dubious?

      • groat scotum

        I think reasoning being dubious is in fact a proper use of dubious as an adjective. Rendering the rest of my specious argument equally dubious.

        I don’t know what my original argument was. It seemed important at the time.

    • Not Adahn

      But that begs the question of whether the dictionary definition is to be relied upon, irregardless of common usage. To really be fair it’s something I can’t get over.

      • rhywun

        *snort*

        FWIW, my dictionary has the common usage before the literal usage.

  15. straffinrun

    Anyone wanna nonconform with me_

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m not going to conform to your nonconformist ways.

    • MikeS

      Yes, but I don’t want to conform with your nonconformistism.

    • rhywun

      Your punctuation scares and confuses me.

      • straffinrun

        My keyboard shifts between English and Japanese for no freaking reason sometimes.

      • Hyperion

        It’s sort of like my pr0n channel xhamster sometimes switches to Italian, wtf is up with that?

    • R.J.

      *Gasp
      An underscore!

  16. R.J.

    Has anyone eaten at Foo Sackly’s Chicken Fingers?

    • groat scotum

      I wouldn’t admit it if I had.

      • R.J.

        Such an odd name. Just drove by it. All those poor chickens with no fingers…

      • UnCivilServant

        You gots to use all the parts ‘cept the cluck.

      • groat scotum

        Oh jeez, that’s a real place

      • R.J.

        Yes. It is real, and I pass it a couple of times a year.

    • rhywun

      Not Egg Sackly, no.

    • Hyperion

      Is that the same company as Balmer’s Chicken, Chicken, and Trout Soul Food Chiken?

      • R.J.

        Pretty sure it’s an independent eatery. It’s pitch dark so I didn’t grab a picture. I got some pics of the Alabama tunnel at night, which is right before Foo Sackly’s

      • Hyperion

        R.J., do you know where I can stream the film Slingblade? I really want to watch that, have never seen it.

      • Chafed

        Didn’t like my answer?

      • Hyperion

        Well, I would have except your answer is wrong. It’s not available on Prime and I don’t want a HBO sub to just watch one film.

      • R.J.

        Oof! Let me look around. First thought would be Pluto, after that you may have to rent it via Amazon Prime.

      • R.J.

        Damndest thing. It’s unavailable on Prime or Apple. Somebody has it locked behind a paywall. Might be Peacock. Honestly I’d rather drink gasoline than watch Peacock with all those damn commercials.

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, I don’t get it, I’ll pay to watch it…

      • Hyperion

        Apparently the most banned film in history. WTF, it offend some wokesters?

        Ukraine is no reason to start a war, but this is. Let me watch the film or die you commie pigs.

    • Hyperion

      When are they changing the name to BSPN?

    • hayeksplosives

      Ok, Groomers.

      Why do they hate children?

  17. hayeksplosives

    This dude claims to be concerned about children’s mental health but also:

    “New woke NYC health commissioner sparks fury as he orders under-fives to be masked FOREVER and says his four-year-old isn’t ‘safe’ without one”

    https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10629055/NYC-health-commissioner-sparks-fury-says-kids-five-remain-masked-INDEFINITELY.html

    “’First they came for Critical Race Theory, now they’re coming for mental health and suicide prevention programs when we are literally in the midst of a national children’s mental health emergency? Absurd doesn’t begin to define this logic,’ he tweeted in November 2021.”

    • rhywun

      This guy is worse than the last one. Where do they find these freaks?

      The health expert also said he doesn’t plan to drop the city’s workplace vaccine mandate anytime soon

      I’m not buying that this actually exists for anyone other than basketball and now baseball players. I have seen zero evidence that such a policy is enforced anywhere.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ah, he’s an epidemiologist.

      I was wondering why he’s totally nuts.

  18. Hyperion

    I want to kill commies and see their corpses rotting in the streets. I didn’t want war, they made me do it.

  19. groat scotum

    I could use some help.

    Someone I know needs help with this alcoholism.

    He’s in denial on account of nobody really cares for him.

    • Hyperion

      Alcohol is a really shitty drug and it has this stigma and special place in society that makes it so much worse. You see, it’s just another form of addcition, but it gets a glorified term becasuse most of our leaders are addicted to it. Alcoholism is a false term, addiction is the proper term and the cure is the same as for other drug addction, but addicts to the drug suffer more and unneccesarily becaue they are not allowed to be addicts, but special peoples who can never be cured of addicton bedause so many politicians are addicted to that shit. There is a special place in hell for ploliticians.

      • groat scotum

        I think maybe you and I need a heart to heart.

    • groat scotum

      He’s going to pretend none of this happened and really, none of it ever did.

      • Hyperion

        Can he afford to not work for a while?

      • groat scotum

        Some dumb shit needs to whatever it takes to get his dumb shit life in order, and not pollute his recreational life with his horseshit nonsense.

  20. groat scotum

    Evidently if I don’t dose myself with 100mg of blessed benadryl, I get the sleepless hell ending

    • groat scotum

      All my stupid social trespasses tonight? It’s because I was very tired. Prove it otherwise.

      • Lackadaisical

        Loving the new handle.

        I’m no expert but used to struggle with drinking too much. It helped me to have a wife and son. It just doesn’t seem like an option anymore to get that drunk.

        Part of it is admitting like you are that alcohol isn’t all that great. For me it was like flipping a switch. Suddenly I could control myself after having a few drinks whereas before I had to keep drinking until oblivion. Try just taking a break from drinking at all. I’m assuming you don’t drink everyday and won’t go into withdrawal. You may also want to do some therapy, sounds gay but it helped me control my anger. I got a make therapist. I thought that was better than a female, or maybe I just got lucky. Literally just like taking to someone but not having to worry as much about their reaction. Sounds dumb and I’m not sure why that helps, but it seems to.

      • Lackadaisical

        Part of what I looked about the therapy was he’d ask questions that made me realize my situation wasn’t so bad also. If I’m not nearly as bad as other people, then it seemed like my problem could be solved. I didn’t have to be how I was.

        Going back to picking a therapist, my particular therapist was very much like myself in life situation and everything. I don’t know if there is any research on that, being able to identify with your therapist may be good or bad.

        Point being, whatever is making you suffer in you life has a solution and you can take that solution to improve things. There’s no shame in that.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Be careful with that stuff.

      Overdoses cause hallucinations and prolonged use affects your short term memory.

      I had to quit using it because I couldn’t stay focused on a task anymore.

  21. Yusef drives a Kia

    We are playing a tournament today, and since we play in all conditions, today’s forecast,
    Light rain early…with snow showers for the afternoon.
    Temps nearly steady in the mid to upper 30s.
    Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 90%.
    What a delightful day!

  22. UnCivilServant

    I’m annoyed at the loss of 24-hour establishments. How am I supposed to find bad food prepared by someone else if the restaurants and stores are all closed?

    • Tres Cool

      That made me think that I could actually go for some Waffle House now.

      • UnCivilServant

        The establishment I’m trying to patronize opens at 7. They’re supposed to be 24/7

      • Tres Cool

        I think it goes back to the main closing-down theory that CoVID is really mostly active at night. So no more 24/7 anything.
        Speaking as someone that works nights, on my “days” off I wouldn’t mind being able to go to a WalMart, Meijer, or even the aforementioned Waffle House with hardly anyone else around.
        Now I still have to live by your normie time.

      • Ted S.

        I think the Hannafords here stopped being 24/7 before covid. I’m guessing it had to do with the wage inflation Andrew Cuomo inflicted on the state.

    • Not Adahn

      I should really write to the CEO of Whataburger to pelad for one to open up here.

      • UnCivilServant

        Going to change careers and run a fast food place?

      • Not Adahn

        Too risky. I got a good gig going.

      • Tres Cool

        Oh, what Id give to have a Whataburger within a reasonable distance from me.
        Hell, they closed all the local Sonic franchises in this area, too.

      • Timeloose

        I looked into this after moving back from TX to the NE. I talked to a franchise owner of several successful DD and Baskin Robbins. There needs to be a supply chain with restaurants all along it for them to be profitable.

  23. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam
    whats goody yo

  24. Tres Cool

    From comment #23

    |Someone I know needs help with this alcoholism.

    “Alcoholism is the only disease that you get yelled at for having” -Mitch Hedberg

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      They didn’t find me obviously,
      Covfefe!
      Sup?

      • Tres Cool

        HEY YUFUS!

        Tall CANS!

    • Lackadaisical

      There are plenty I see everyday. Usually 65+ (sorry oldies), going under the speed limit in the left lane. To find them just drive around your nearest pharmacy, won’t take long.

      • Sean

        Pick up trucks do not belong in the left hand land either.

        I’ve got a festering hatred of suvs too…

      • Tulip

        I love my Rav 4.

      • Sean

        ?

    • Not Adahn

      That just proves that checkpoints prevent drunk driving!

      • Tres Cool

        But not the other offenses?
        And I’ve always wondered, since I’ve been in possession of a driving license since 2 days after my 16th birthday: when you get stopped for no license/suspended/expired…do they give you a ticket and let you drive off ? Or make a licensed passenger drive? Or make you walk while the vehicle is towed?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The latter two

        I got stopped in California for not having a CA DL. I had put it off because registering my vehicle was going to cost me $600 for a smog impact fee.

        Fortunately I had a coworker with me and the cop let him drive it. Otherwise it was going to be tow time and even more fees.

        It was about then I started realizing how the State punishes poor people.

    • Ted S.

      Our piece of shit governorette apparently extended the state of emergency to April 15. I assume it’ll get extended again.